Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

Sorry to Volokh, but today, Philadelphia is in MOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRNING. And that, to be sure, is largely the MEDIA HACKS' FAULT. I'd be surprised if the CRETINOUS KNIGHTRIDDERITES don't print EVERY PAGE IN BLACK. And for a city to be in MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUURRRRRRRRRRNING is largely the fault of THE SIX-DIGIT SCRIBBLERS and their partners in greed the HAIR-SPRAY DRENCHED DO'S. I suspect a comparison between this EPOCHAL DISASTER and, say, the IMMORTAL 1960 TRIUMPH would be instructive. Back in those days the hacks were content with maybe two days of coverage and some straight analysis of the game. Since then, however, a deadly conceit has taken hold of the media -- that they must be PROFIT CENTERS, and everything they do must be measured in terms of how much they PLEASE THE CUSTOMERS -- the same customers we've BIASED and SLANTED out of EXISTENCE. As the NEWS HOLE decreases (the inevitable result of slanting our papers into oblivion) the possibilities for crowd-pleasin' mischief increase. This is even more true with DO's, whose programs went from fifteen-minute rip-'n'-reads to two-hour POLICE BLOTTERS. What time to fill! What space! And how shall we fill it? Not with news, that's asking too much. We'll fill it with what -- THE PUBLIC WANTS! With what -- MAKES US MONEY! Hence ten weeks of SATURATION COVERAGE, millions of words of IDLEST SPECULATION AND HUMBUG, photos enough to WALLPAPER a ROOM, hacks flashing their expense accounts like THE DONALD flashing his AMEX PLATINUM CARD, endless resumes for BRISTOL, CHEERLEADING AND MORE CHEERLEADING. THIS is why I dreaded a win: all that cheerleading builds up expectations to such a pitch it can only lead to release in rioting -- especially in a city with little self-esteem (a situation surely not helped by COURAGEOUS SCRIBBLERS and DO'S). Perhaps nothing would have come of it other than one big party for days on end -- an irksome enough prospect to one across the street from a RENDELI -- but why should we always have to play Russian roulette with NEWS HACKS?

And the utter irony is that for all this placating, for all this condescending, for all this kowtowing, NEWS HACKS do not stop the hemorraging of readers, the deepening of distrust among viewers. To them the night-and-day RAH-RAH is but one more reason to suspect every last NEWS HACK's motivation, and to be sure that, in the end, the BIZ only has it IN for us.

As for NEXT time, I shall be prepared: not only will I have a television -- it is no fun following the GREATEST CONTRIBUTION TO MAN'S WELFARE AND CULTURE on the Web -- but the weekend of the TRIUMPH I may rent a hotel room in a distant city and spend two days there so I don't have to share in the DRUNK -- the CELEBRATION.

One last thought: How can news hacks who must always ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT ROOT for the HOME TEAM so blithely wish us ill in IRAQ?