THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, August 23, 2003
Newsday's idea of a joke:
The words "fair and balanced" can be used to describe a few good things in this world: The Encyclopedia Britannica; the open phones show on C-SPAN. The average American newspaper on a very good day.
Without reading the story (and I don't intend to) I know exactly what you're going to say. I don't like RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! myself -- one reason is that HIS properties are observing a veritable blackout on NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE's defeat -- but when HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE all but admits the news biz is liberal, I don't like you either.
The words "fair and balanced" can be used to describe a few good things in this world: The Encyclopedia Britannica; the open phones show on C-SPAN. The average American newspaper on a very good day.
Without reading the story (and I don't intend to) I know exactly what you're going to say. I don't like RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! myself -- one reason is that HIS properties are observing a veritable blackout on NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE's defeat -- but when HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE all but admits the news biz is liberal, I don't like you either.
A star Ohio State running back has a rap sheet in the making, and you can bet the Buckeye fans are ticked -- because now THEY WON'T WIN THE NATIONAL TITLE THIS SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The notorious sex-offending priest John Geoghan has been killed in prison.
That his victims have been magnanimous at the news says something for them. I do not know that I would have been so magnanimous -- toward him, or the church that wouldn't stop him.
That his victims have been magnanimous at the news says something for them. I do not know that I would have been so magnanimous -- toward him, or the church that wouldn't stop him.
The professional college sports arms race won't stop, for three reasons: 1) It's financed by state legislators, especially in the football- and basketball-mad south and midwest, who view getting the team to a championship as a patriotic duty; 2) it's financed by college students, whose tuitions will never stop going up; and 3) it's financed by cable subscribers, whose rates will never stop going up.
Better be careful with that queer ideology. It's not that much of a long walk from the notion that the Bible says gay sex is ALL RIGHT!! to liberation theology's notion that God is a Communist, and it isn't much of a long walk from there to Osama's notion that the Koran says destroying the World Trade Center is okay. But the "if-it-feels-good-do-it" ethic seems all the rage in religion these days. I wonder how God feels.
Some hack named Rutten ties himself into such knots proving Hollywood is not liberal he may have to work in a freak show. Yes, Hollywood has had more than its share of reactionary cranks, but they're virtually all in the past, and the overwhelming ethos of the biz is liberal -- how can it not be with SYNERGY? And hasn't The Human Rope heard the acronym RINO? Yes, "everybody does business with everybody" (said the famed bootlegger Joseph P. Kennedy, who had his mistress Gloria Swanson get an abortion -- great choice of experts, Tim!), but as the continuing harangues over The Ten demonstrate, in politics Hollywood never forgets.
Absolutely nothing has changed. Nothing. NOTHING.
These news hacks are getting cleverer and cleverer at saying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These news hacks are getting cleverer and cleverer at saying QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 22, 2003
It's official: Dubya's appointed Daniel Pipes. Take THAT, Ted!
Here's another story I can be of two minds of: ExxonMobil (oh I love DilbertSpell!) should have been punished severely for its gross negligence regarding the Valdez, but there is no doubting some civil judgments are excessive. This is nonetheless happy news for the whole FREE ENTERPRISE caveat emptor Buttman and "Dow 36,000" crowd, which makes ExxonMobil's victory slightly sickening.
Lou Dobbs has BACKBONE (pffh-hh-hh)! I would be a little more impressed, however, if Paul Bedard hadn't punctuated his name "Dobb's" or written, "[H]e might not have know." Ah the life of a great reporter, linked by WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!
Why should a country that is third-world in important ways be in space exploration?
Better news: the country was in a deal with Ukraine -- home of Chernobyl. What a joke.
Better news: the country was in a deal with Ukraine -- home of Chernobyl. What a joke.
FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News's Web site isn't reporting on its great victory in a New York courtroom -- but it is getting the troops excited because that Alabama judge has been "suspended."
I'm of two minds about this business. I understand why that judge is taking a stand: the government too often is the adversary of religion, aided by groups who've lately shown a blind eye to the SUPERHOOPERS. But as Rush's brother has written, he's a judge, and he should obey the law. What's more, that monument of his is sort of tacky looking. This all reminds us why Tom Lehrer thought Alabama would get the bomb.
I'm of two minds about this business. I understand why that judge is taking a stand: the government too often is the adversary of religion, aided by groups who've lately shown a blind eye to the SUPERHOOPERS. But as Rush's brother has written, he's a judge, and he should obey the law. What's more, that monument of his is sort of tacky looking. This all reminds us why Tom Lehrer thought Alabama would get the bomb.
HA HA HA HA!!!!! A judge rules against RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Not that it matters. The public has ruled against them already.
Not that it matters. The public has ruled against them already.
Speaking of blondes, am I the only male unimpressed with Anna in her sports bra? She doesn't seem to have much upstairs, and what's more, her face would hardly launch 20 dinghies.
We should not be surprised that the awful Baghdad bombing may have been an inside job. So much of what the League of Nations does is an inside job.
One more thing on SLUT-LIT: such masters (or should I say MSters) of the form as Helen Fielding and Candace "EW! YUCK!! GROSS!!!" Bushnell may think they're marvelously new as they wallow in their royalties, but Anita Loos did it first, and the only real difference is that Miss Loos couldn't use all the trendy four-letter words. And I might add, she was at least as unfunny.
Paul Krugman says Ah-NULT's "description of the state economy is pure fantasy."
We'll take that as definitive from YOU.
We'll take that as definitive from YOU.
You're a loony leftist in Hollywood. You love the Palestinians. Some Palestinians love movie piracy.
Whose side do you take?
Whose side do you take?
"HIP" (another word in THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) meets children like two cars meeting in a fender bender.
Imagine all the four-star drivel that wouldn't get published if people were told they couldn't throw political tantrums in a paper. Okay, for the umpteenth time, Bob Hope wasn't good in his later years, but the next time, could you use a punching bag instead of your readers?
I'VE BEEN AT ARTSJOURNAL.COM AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'VE BEEN AT ARTSJOURNAL.COM AGAIN GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I am willing to forgive a Kathy Boudin for killing two police officers, provided she shows unremitting remorse and penance. The problem is the big-media culture which prizes ATTITUDE and sticks the finger in our faces every day, and whose partisans would turn her case into another cause celebre given the chance -- and their politics.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Over sixty years ago, the British showed their stuff in the Blitz. Today, they show their stuff on the beach.
Our beloved Secretary of State in magnificent oratory sure to resound through the ages:
The end of the road map is a cliff that both sides will fall off!
Usually the end of a road map is an edge that leads to paper cuts. But what does GENERAL know? He drives in limos.
The end of the road map is a cliff that both sides will fall off!
Usually the end of a road map is an edge that leads to paper cuts. But what does GENERAL know? He drives in limos.
Al Arabiya (an Osama Channel clone) introduces a new group of heroes: The Armed Vanguards of the Second Muhammad Army!
What's more, they call the League of Nations "Crusaders"! I guess the members never heard of Kurt Waldheim or Zionism=Racism.
What's more, they call the League of Nations "Crusaders"! I guess the members never heard of Kurt Waldheim or Zionism=Racism.
The documentary "Stoked: The Rise and Fall of Gator" traces the ill-fated career of Mark Rogowski, a legendary skateboarder now serving 31 years in prison for rape and murder.
First LEGENDARY Lewis, then LEGENDARY Welch, now a LEGENDARY skateboarder. What did he do? Put rockets on his skateboard? Float in the air for ten minutes?
First LEGENDARY Lewis, then LEGENDARY Welch, now a LEGENDARY skateboarder. What did he do? Put rockets on his skateboard? Float in the air for ten minutes?
More high-tech waste in government: Facial-recognition cameras are an invasion of privacy -- and besides, THEY DON'T WORK.
Hardy-har-har!
Hardy-har-har!
Rush endorses the Republican who's not a Reagan -- because he's a Reagan!
How do you say that again -- disingenuous?
How do you say that again -- disingenuous?
The Arabs speak into two tongues, again. (Caveat: This is David Horowitz' FrontPage Magazine.)
For my first permalink I am introducing (drum roll, please):
HISTORIC: 1. An event that may never have happened before, but since we're too lazy to look these things up we'll automatically assume it's the first time. 2. Good (when applied to politically-correct groups only). 3. THANK GOD FOR MY PRESS PASS!!!!! (see CLASSIC [2].)
HISTORY: 1. The last hundred years. (Usually applied to stories alleging climate change.) 2. As far back as we can get away with hyperbole. (Usually applied to stories touting movie box office.)
ALL-TIME: Something involving dollars that isn't adjusted for inflation. See HISTORY [2].
RECORD: See ALL-TIME and HISTORY [2].
LEGENDARY: 1. Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like. 2. Somebody who's been around long time who's getting rewarded for having been around a long time. 3. In business, a long-running monster whose every utterance is a pink slip (i.e., LEGENDARY Welch). (But see LEGENDARY GENIUS [2] for an exception.)
ICON: 1. Someone who came out of nowhere, who deserves to go back to nowhere, who's lasted more than his allotted fifteen minutes of fame.
ICONIC: A movie or TV show or rock band we REALLY like.
REIMAGINED: The same old wine in the same new bottles.
LEGACY: Extending someone's fifteen minutes of fame to thirty.
CLASS ACT: A bad guy with good press. (Usually typed by SPORTS HACKS to describe the ATTITUDINAL flavor of the month.)
MAJOR: 1. Minor. 2. Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
HIP: 1. Something bad (usually pop-cultural) done by young people, and embraced by aging boomer news hacks to show they're with-it. 2. See HOT (3).
COOL: See HIP.
QUIRKY: A pop-culture artifact that makes no sense and would cause offense to many, but because we're in the news biz, and our favorite pastime is sticking it in our readers' eyes, that means we REALLY like it.
EDGY: Similar to quirky, but more likely to have an ATTITUDE, and that means the news hacks are even more apt to like it.
DARK: Similar to edgy, except (in the case of a movie) photographed in the dark, or (in the case of a song) sung in a minor key and full of ATTITUDE.
SUBVERSIVE: Similar to "edgy" only it REALLY sticks it to conservatives.
DANGEROUS: See SUBVERSIVE.
CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED: We like it. Often used when someone else doesn't like it (see also CONTROVERSIAL, CONSERVATIVE).
LANDMARK: 1. See CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. 2. See HISTORIC (2).
MILESTONE: 1. See LANDMARK. 2. See GRIM, with which this word is used when describing auto-accident fatalities, or when we're at war.
BUZZ: The usual gang of idiots REALLY likes it and is preparing to plug the living daylights out of it.
MODERATE: 1. A liberal.
CENTRIST: Same as MODERATE, but usually applied to someone who's just right of PROGRESSIVE.
PROGRESSIVE: An off-the-chart liberal who doesn't sound so bad.
BIPARTISAN: 1. A liberal we can hide behind. 2. An incompetent Republican.
CONSERVATIVE: A Nazi. Can be interchangeably used with Roman Catholics, Iranian mullahs, or Tom DeLay.
NEO-CONSERVATIVE: Some Jew at a think tank who got us into a lousy war.
NAZI: An Israeli, or George W. Bush.
HARD-LINER: See CONSERVATIVE.
MODERATE MUSLIM: An Islamist.
MILITANT: A terrorist in sheep's clothing.
SOURCE: Someone a news hack cites when he wishes to express an opinion.
FORMER: A credited SOURCE who's flattered to think he's in the loop.
RETIRED: See FORMER.
FAIRNESS: 1. Tilting the tables to favor PC special interests. 2. The veneer of impartiality news hacks apply to stories to make them seem less partisan.
OBJECTIVITY: See FAIRNESS (2).
PARTISAN: Conservative.
JOURNALIST: A news hack with pretensions.
DIVERSITY: Total political conformity.
CONTROVERSIAL: 1. We like it, but the public doesn't. 2. The wrong thing happened, but we try to spin the story so that people will think it was the right thing (i.e., the OJ verdict). 3. Meretricious. (And NO hacks, it does NOT mean "meritorious.")
TRAGEDY: 1. Something bad that happens to private citizens that you have to work up a pretense of compassion over lest people think you a cold-blooded hard-hearted thoroughly cynical misanthrope. 2. See GRIM. 3. See DISASTER.
GRIM: Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
BLEAK: See GRIM.
DEFEAT, usually preceded with MAJOR: Our side wins.
HOT: 1. Cold soon enough. 2. Something that should never have been heated up. 3. Someone's pickpocketing for realtors.
STEAMY: An actress with pancake breasts takes her clothes off.
RIGHT: A crime. Applied to graffiti, panhandling, very public mental illness, or anything committed by a member of a PC group.
GENIUS: 1. An extremely popular no-talent. Usually applied to rappers, as they share our artistic ambitions and immortality. 2. Obscenely rich. 3. A CEO wasting vast sums on hubris (see also SYNERGY). 4. A CEO with very good luck.
LEGENDARY GENIUS: Bob Dylan (see GENIUS [1]) or Warren Buffett (see GENIUS [2]).
COURAGE: Treason we like.
CONSCIENCE: THE ENEMY sees the light.
TABOO: The Comstocks don't want you to have a good time.
BUFFET: The correct spelling of Warren Buffett's last name.
MINELLI: The correct spelling of Liza Minnelli's last name.
DISINTERESTED: Uninterested.
ACTOR: An actor of either sex.
CULT: 1. An acquired taste very few people acquire, but as the very few people are a tightly-knit group including news hacks, that makes their taste VERY good. (See also, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." [Abraham Lincoln.]) 2. A sewer smell that news hacks and publicists turn into Airwick.
RENAISSANCE: Upscale bars emerge in a seedy part of town, frequented by people like us who drink.
SYNERGY: In the media business, annoying people to death for a profit.
CLASSIC: 1. Something pop-cultural we REALLY like that's been around for a LONG TIME -- like twenty years. 2. A blowout until the last five minutes, when the other team rallies for victory. 3. A new pop culture artifact we REALLY like (usually applied with INSTANT).
INFAMY: Something that causes your team to lose, especially in the Super Bowl/NBA finals/World Series/Stanley Cup finals, etc.
PATRIOTISM: Loving your country ironically.
CLOSURE: Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup for the soul.
HEALING: See CLOSURE.
RESPECTED: We like its politics.
ESTEEMED: We like his politics.
TOLERANCE: Forcing our political enemies to think like us -- preferably in the print equivalent of a reeducation camp. (See DIVERSITY; see also Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week.")
INNOCENCE: Something that happened a LONG TIME AGO that we don't remember.
DISASTER: 9/11.
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.
These are the code words and phrases (and misspellings) that the hacks never stop using, that can act like novocain on your mind or a dentist's drill on your nerves, a secret of the hacks' invincible power, words they would not stop using if H. W. Fowler and E. B. White came down from the heavens to scold them, words whose very usage means the writer is engaged in salesmanship or dishonesty, or both. I've given some of the definitions before -- too many times before -- but they're worth repeating, as God knows the hacks will keep repeating the words.HISTORIC: 1. An event that may never have happened before, but since we're too lazy to look these things up we'll automatically assume it's the first time. 2. Good (when applied to politically-correct groups only). 3. THANK GOD FOR MY PRESS PASS!!!!! (see CLASSIC [2].)
HISTORY: 1. The last hundred years. (Usually applied to stories alleging climate change.) 2. As far back as we can get away with hyperbole. (Usually applied to stories touting movie box office.)
ALL-TIME: Something involving dollars that isn't adjusted for inflation. See HISTORY [2].
RECORD: See ALL-TIME and HISTORY [2].
LEGENDARY: 1. Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like. 2. Somebody who's been around long time who's getting rewarded for having been around a long time. 3. In business, a long-running monster whose every utterance is a pink slip (i.e., LEGENDARY Welch). (But see LEGENDARY GENIUS [2] for an exception.)
ICON: 1. Someone who came out of nowhere, who deserves to go back to nowhere, who's lasted more than his allotted fifteen minutes of fame.
ICONIC: A movie or TV show or rock band we REALLY like.
REIMAGINED: The same old wine in the same new bottles.
LEGACY: Extending someone's fifteen minutes of fame to thirty.
CLASS ACT: A bad guy with good press. (Usually typed by SPORTS HACKS to describe the ATTITUDINAL flavor of the month.)
MAJOR: 1. Minor. 2. Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
HIP: 1. Something bad (usually pop-cultural) done by young people, and embraced by aging boomer news hacks to show they're with-it. 2. See HOT (3).
COOL: See HIP.
QUIRKY: A pop-culture artifact that makes no sense and would cause offense to many, but because we're in the news biz, and our favorite pastime is sticking it in our readers' eyes, that means we REALLY like it.
EDGY: Similar to quirky, but more likely to have an ATTITUDE, and that means the news hacks are even more apt to like it.
DARK: Similar to edgy, except (in the case of a movie) photographed in the dark, or (in the case of a song) sung in a minor key and full of ATTITUDE.
SUBVERSIVE: Similar to "edgy" only it REALLY sticks it to conservatives.
DANGEROUS: See SUBVERSIVE.
CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED: We like it. Often used when someone else doesn't like it (see also CONTROVERSIAL, CONSERVATIVE).
LANDMARK: 1. See CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. 2. See HISTORIC (2).
MILESTONE: 1. See LANDMARK. 2. See GRIM, with which this word is used when describing auto-accident fatalities, or when we're at war.
BUZZ: The usual gang of idiots REALLY likes it and is preparing to plug the living daylights out of it.
MODERATE: 1. A liberal.
CENTRIST: Same as MODERATE, but usually applied to someone who's just right of PROGRESSIVE.
PROGRESSIVE: An off-the-chart liberal who doesn't sound so bad.
BIPARTISAN: 1. A liberal we can hide behind. 2. An incompetent Republican.
CONSERVATIVE: A Nazi. Can be interchangeably used with Roman Catholics, Iranian mullahs, or Tom DeLay.
NEO-CONSERVATIVE: Some Jew at a think tank who got us into a lousy war.
NAZI: An Israeli, or George W. Bush.
HARD-LINER: See CONSERVATIVE.
MODERATE MUSLIM: An Islamist.
MILITANT: A terrorist in sheep's clothing.
SOURCE: Someone a news hack cites when he wishes to express an opinion.
FORMER: A credited SOURCE who's flattered to think he's in the loop.
RETIRED: See FORMER.
FAIRNESS: 1. Tilting the tables to favor PC special interests. 2. The veneer of impartiality news hacks apply to stories to make them seem less partisan.
OBJECTIVITY: See FAIRNESS (2).
PARTISAN: Conservative.
JOURNALIST: A news hack with pretensions.
DIVERSITY: Total political conformity.
CONTROVERSIAL: 1. We like it, but the public doesn't. 2. The wrong thing happened, but we try to spin the story so that people will think it was the right thing (i.e., the OJ verdict). 3. Meretricious. (And NO hacks, it does NOT mean "meritorious.")
TRAGEDY: 1. Something bad that happens to private citizens that you have to work up a pretense of compassion over lest people think you a cold-blooded hard-hearted thoroughly cynical misanthrope. 2. See GRIM. 3. See DISASTER.
GRIM: Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.
BLEAK: See GRIM.
DEFEAT, usually preceded with MAJOR: Our side wins.
HOT: 1. Cold soon enough. 2. Something that should never have been heated up. 3. Someone's pickpocketing for realtors.
STEAMY: An actress with pancake breasts takes her clothes off.
RIGHT: A crime. Applied to graffiti, panhandling, very public mental illness, or anything committed by a member of a PC group.
GENIUS: 1. An extremely popular no-talent. Usually applied to rappers, as they share our artistic ambitions and immortality. 2. Obscenely rich. 3. A CEO wasting vast sums on hubris (see also SYNERGY). 4. A CEO with very good luck.
LEGENDARY GENIUS: Bob Dylan (see GENIUS [1]) or Warren Buffett (see GENIUS [2]).
COURAGE: Treason we like.
CONSCIENCE: THE ENEMY sees the light.
TABOO: The Comstocks don't want you to have a good time.
BUFFET: The correct spelling of Warren Buffett's last name.
MINELLI: The correct spelling of Liza Minnelli's last name.
DISINTERESTED: Uninterested.
ACTOR: An actor of either sex.
CULT: 1. An acquired taste very few people acquire, but as the very few people are a tightly-knit group including news hacks, that makes their taste VERY good. (See also, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." [Abraham Lincoln.]) 2. A sewer smell that news hacks and publicists turn into Airwick.
RENAISSANCE: Upscale bars emerge in a seedy part of town, frequented by people like us who drink.
SYNERGY: In the media business, annoying people to death for a profit.
CLASSIC: 1. Something pop-cultural we REALLY like that's been around for a LONG TIME -- like twenty years. 2. A blowout until the last five minutes, when the other team rallies for victory. 3. A new pop culture artifact we REALLY like (usually applied with INSTANT).
INFAMY: Something that causes your team to lose, especially in the Super Bowl/NBA finals/World Series/Stanley Cup finals, etc.
PATRIOTISM: Loving your country ironically.
CLOSURE: Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup for the soul.
HEALING: See CLOSURE.
RESPECTED: We like its politics.
ESTEEMED: We like his politics.
TOLERANCE: Forcing our political enemies to think like us -- preferably in the print equivalent of a reeducation camp. (See DIVERSITY; see also Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week.")
INNOCENCE: Something that happened a LONG TIME AGO that we don't remember.
DISASTER: 9/11.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Most news stories could be written by computer, or in one's sleep, which is why I avoided the sad tale of the man caught covering a baseball game from home. Nonetheless it proves for all time that it takes little work to be a news hack -- and less brains.
Yes, Kofi wanted tighter security -- so long as it wasn't U. S. security.
With the League of Nations, hubris must always rank above life.
With the League of Nations, hubris must always rank above life.
Lately something has tried returning from the dead in Chicago. You may remember it -- Mayor Jane Blues, the Honorary Blues Brother.
Please, go back to the oblivion from whence you came, Blue.
Please, go back to the oblivion from whence you came, Blue.
So much of Ah-NULT's campaign is "closed to reporters" and "no comment." We want you to pull that gag as GOVERNOR, Ah-NULT.
And it's bad enough that news hacks are conformists; worse, they're well-paid conformists. Robert Scheer, the tantrum-throwing leftist scribbler, always screams about the little guy, and thinks the little guy can't be taxed enough; but it turns out he owns three houses worth at least $1.2 million and owes taxes on them. The crowd in Animal Farm would be pleased.
And how did I find out about Robert Scheer? Through the Professor. With their devotion to the machine and what the late Michael Kelly called their "template" we can't count on news hacks for the truth; but how can we get the truth on the Web when it's so diffuse? Who can locate embarrassing facts like these? Editors -- like the Professor. Plus ca change....
And how did I find out about Robert Scheer? Through the Professor. With their devotion to the machine and what the late Michael Kelly called their "template" we can't count on news hacks for the truth; but how can we get the truth on the Web when it's so diffuse? Who can locate embarrassing facts like these? Editors -- like the Professor. Plus ca change....
Linda, you are a big windbag -- but isn't that what RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pays you to be? Isn't that what news hacks are supposed to be? And isn't that why people are slowly abandoning the papers, because they're finding it's the only way to take the air out of you windbags -- and even that doesn't work because you get pumped up from somewhere else?
Sorry, this is the second story today that repeats the cliche that movies in the seventies were better than ever -- the second of five hundred if I wanted to look. I HATE NEWS HACKS!!!!!
Sorry, this is the second story today that repeats the cliche that movies in the seventies were better than ever -- the second of five hundred if I wanted to look. I HATE NEWS HACKS!!!!!
This is the problem with ad-blurb copywriters: They see something in a loft, with an audience of six, and they like it, and because they share the same hermetically-sealed mindset as the audience of six, and further because the luck of the draw has enabled them to write in public, they think the whole world will like it. Sorry, Maddy (why must the hacks have such cute names?), those "blue-rinse" musicals will be around long after the score of the last Nitwits Nudism and Navel-Staring Festival masterpiece crumbles to archival dust.
I've been at ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I've been at ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Authors may think they're "getting back at the system" -- and Martha Grimes is by all accounts a good writer (I don't read mysteries) -- but the system is omnipotent and has so many defense mechanisms that even homicidal anger can rebound to its advantage.
When Brent "My Favorite Martian" Scowcroft, who kissed the Chinese Communists' feet after Tiananmen and told Papa not to go after Saddam, suggests anything, it can safely be ignored.
Unless he suggests it to THE FIXER, because he'll tell Dubya -- and he might believe it.
Unless he suggests it to THE FIXER, because he'll tell Dubya -- and he might believe it.
And sure enough, after yesterday's Baghdad bombing, the 56,287,387th rendition of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The most obvious sign a news hack's about to sell something or dump a big ugly bucket of CW on you is when his byline reads "For" or "Special to." That means the paper's assigned a talentless free-lancer to think up filler but who instead of thinking ends up writing, resulting in the most egregious folderol and you feeling slimy for hours.
Mahmoud's going to take their tricycles away -- and replace them with mountain bikes (when no one's looking).
In LALALand, car chases are down, which means the local TV stations will have to lay off half their work force.
And when I brought up the story there was an ad for Jaguar.
And when I brought up the story there was an ad for Jaguar.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Study: Satellite TV Costs Trailing Cable
I've got the solution, King Brian and King Richard: raise your rates!
I've got the solution, King Brian and King Richard: raise your rates!
The House Judiciary Committee has tentatively scheduled hearings next month into the fairness of the Bowl Championship Series, SportsLine.com has learned.
Uh, DON'T YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO?!?!?
Hey MR. NO-SPIN SPIN ZONE, all this talk about YOUR LAWSUIT is going to make us as angry as all this talk about Kobe or Laci Peterson -- and I've a sneaky hunch that was the point.
I don't know, and given that I'm still sending out bills with Audrey Hepburn's face on the postage, I don't care.
P. S. In trying to find a good image of the Audrey stamp I came across an Ain't It Cool News clone whose moron-IQ-level posters agree it's freaky. Hey morons, so are most of the @#$%&* movies you tout via instant messaging.
Gasp! A Times reporter says the war was -- JUSTIFIED!!!!!
Howell would have given new meaning to the phrase "eating the guy alive."
Howell would have given new meaning to the phrase "eating the guy alive."
On a day of two horrific suicide bombings, the lead in Kinsley.com:
What Lies Beneath: My perverse obsession with metal detectors.
My guess is, either the Kinsley.com folk can think only PC on the bombings -- or another bug has struck Microsoft.
What Lies Beneath: My perverse obsession with metal detectors.
My guess is, either the Kinsley.com folk can think only PC on the bombings -- or another bug has struck Microsoft.
Catholic conservatives are right to be suspicious when the liberals gather, for all they talk about is economic rights, which provides a perfect cloak for buggery.
People listen to Mozart solely because they've heard if you listen to Mozart your IQ goes up 100 points, which is a very bad reason to listen to music, and sure enough, they discard Mozart because it's "depressing." (Has anyone stopped to think how many of today's pop masterpieces combine a funereal tempo and a minor key?) Likewise with educational toys. Kids aren't stupid, and from behind the bright colors and cute features, they can smell the castor oil.
I can think of some good reasons for Ah-NULT's high negatives, Bill: 1) He's in show-biz, which ever more people LUUUUUUUUVE, and he's starred in very violent movies. 2) He's a Republican and a liberal Democrat in one body. 3) He's trading on his name recognition. 4) He hasn't opened his mouth once on the issues, leading people think him a stealth candidate. 5) He's wealthy, and we know from Honorary Mayor Mike what very wealthy men in office can be like. Yes, I think Ah-NULT deserves those high negatives.
So much for the peace of paper.
In a normal world, on a day like this, people would think all militant Arabs can do is bomb. But in a world of news hacks, professors, Cholly Rangels, Colins, and JACQUEASSES, somehow the bomber isn't at fault.
In a normal world, on a day like this, people would think all militant Arabs can do is bomb. But in a world of news hacks, professors, Cholly Rangels, Colins, and JACQUEASSES, somehow the bomber isn't at fault.
Lord Koppel of Eisner got hoaxed. Apparently he still doesn't know. I suspect his legions of interns and clerks soon will.
WARNING: The article contains quotes from one Robert Thompson, who masquerades as a professor.
WARNING: The article contains quotes from one Robert Thompson, who masquerades as a professor.
Here the Morroccans have already sentenced four terrorists to death over the Casablanca bombings, and we knot the pretzel ever tighter about the holy cockroaches' -- rights.
I wonder how the oh-so-very-PC curators at the Smithsonian tap-danced their way around the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of the Enola Gay.
To them I remark: Someone would have gotten the bomb anyway, most likely someone that perhaps in your darkest hour of self-preservation you might not like; and Harry S had to choose between several hundred thousand civilian dead (plus a few of our POWs) versus untold casualties in a Japanese invasion. He chose right. Nuff said.
To them I remark: Someone would have gotten the bomb anyway, most likely someone that perhaps in your darkest hour of self-preservation you might not like; and Harry S had to choose between several hundred thousand civilian dead (plus a few of our POWs) versus untold casualties in a Japanese invasion. He chose right. Nuff said.
Monday, August 18, 2003
How can you tell the news salesmen and job hunters are in a really good mood when they run show-biz press releases, especially about the invented figures called "grosses"? Because they headline with really bad puns.
Good news for the Professor, who's been pounding away at this story: Those Algerian hostages he's mentioned for weeks have been freed. (Good news for them too, it goes without saying.)
The heavily-manufactured "revival" of the Rat Pack, that ne-plus-ultra of laziness and self-indulgence, might not have happened but that we're living in ENTERTAINMENT'S PLATINUM AGE.
So typical of Kinsley.com: the teaser head beats the article. "Pull the Plug on This Movie" promises vitriol and delivers the blurbist David Edelstein in almost apologetic tones desperately wanting to like a picture, but somehow constrained here, as if he's afraid to say something insulting -- like most of the ad-blurb copywriters. I've got a better idea than David's brain mush: Pull the plug on Kinsley.com.
Though I am sympathetic to the idea of an art based on traditional precepts of beauty, I doubt this will get very far, because 1) most modern artists are uneducated, stupid, and PC, and 2) when, say, a Goya or a Sir Joshua Reynolds or a John Singer Sargent painted portraits their subjects usually wore becoming clothes. Who can find beauty in somebody wearing T-shirt and tattoos?
Another one of those stories that news hacks report as a joke ends with this interesting aside:
Smith said grief counselors were on hand but that the fair continued after the incident.
WHAT DO GRIEF COUNSELORS DO?!?
Smith said grief counselors were on hand but that the fair continued after the incident.
WHAT DO GRIEF COUNSELORS DO?!?
Attacks in Iraq May Be Signals of New Tactics
Then again, they may be a signal that, having had poor luck killing our soldiers lately (shucks), they'll go after whatever they can go after.
I suspect a chart would show that since the much-mourned Saddam brothers got their 72 Helen Thomases or whatever, our casualties have gone down. More bad news for Reuters.
Then again, they may be a signal that, having had poor luck killing our soldiers lately (shucks), they'll go after whatever they can go after.
I suspect a chart would show that since the much-mourned Saddam brothers got their 72 Helen Thomases or whatever, our casualties have gone down. More bad news for Reuters.
REUTERS IS MAD. It wants an INQUIRY into the ASSASSINATION of its AWARD-WINNING CAMERAMAN. Of course, Reuters can get mad in other ways too: by doubling the number of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stories, by doubling the number of stories about our war dead, by doubling the number of stories on our incompetence, by doubling the number of prayers that our soldiers die in combat, and by just being the general useless pain where the sun don't shine that only NEWS HACKS can be.
One other thing. What would make Reuters madder: If a cameraman died at the hands of the Palestinians, or if he died at the hands of the Israelis? I don't mean to sound uncaring for the cameraman or his family, but these are, I repeat, NEWS HACKS, and as Ernie Pyle teaches us, they've died in military conflicts before.
One other thing. What would make Reuters madder: If a cameraman died at the hands of the Palestinians, or if he died at the hands of the Israelis? I don't mean to sound uncaring for the cameraman or his family, but these are, I repeat, NEWS HACKS, and as Ernie Pyle teaches us, they've died in military conflicts before.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
"How in a consolidated radio environment, where ... news departments have been eliminated from virtually every radio station, do we still have any mechanism for actually giving news?"
"Aiyf peepl want neews abahyut blackayouts they c'n always read eiyt eiyn th' papers!!" -- Lowsy Mays.
I think [the blackout] points out that you can never rely on a few media to do the job."
"And that's why we have such tre-MEN-dous -- DIVERSITY!!!!!" GENERAL JR. or Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson.
"Aiyf peepl want neews abahyut blackayouts they c'n always read eiyt eiyn th' papers!!" -- Lowsy Mays.
I think [the blackout] points out that you can never rely on a few media to do the job."
"And that's why we have such tre-MEN-dous -- DIVERSITY!!!!!" GENERAL JR. or Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson.
GoogleBlogger's been reasonably civilized these past two weeks, so what do I find? It's chopping entries out of my archives -- and I can't restore them!
Way to go, GoogleBlogger!
Way to go, GoogleBlogger!
Another full-blown blackout in New York is a question of when -- not if, according to utility experts....
The city's had three blackouts in 38 years, and some "expert" would say if?
The city's had three blackouts in 38 years, and some "expert" would say if?
Speaking of David v. Goliath, Consumers Union's top honcho mentions precisely that duo in complaining he'll have to spend millions fighting off Suzuki's lawsuit on the Samurai, still very much in the courts. Honest, I wonder where David went. Yes, Suzuki is a multi-billion company, 20%-owned by the tone-deaf managers of GM -- and Consumer Reports is one of America's leading magazines, and its publisher has easy access to the vast news media when it issues warnings. And perhaps CU is in trouble because it can never fully escape its New Deal and labor-union beginnings, or its friend-of-the-court alliance with the left, or its well-established biases -- CR is one important reason its boomer following thinks Japanese cars are better; it has also spoken out against SUVs. That said, Suzuki would have been better off admitting its fault and building a better SUV than throwing a decade-long tantrum.
By the way, have you been to the CHEAP's Web site lately? Oooh! I'm warm all over. "Unlocking Autism!" "Miami Police Assistance!" "$ for Diabetes Research!" "Spring Food Drive!" "Corn to Soldiers!" "Fighting Racism!" "CLEAR CHANNEL CARING FOR OUR COMMUNITIES!!!!!"
Just like some sort of space aliens. Caring for the communities -- while destroying them.
Just like some sort of space aliens. Caring for the communities -- while destroying them.
MORE FREE ENTERPRISE AT WORK: Today I was in a Rong-Aid -- the one where the imbecile clerks laughed at me (I'm forgiving, or stupid), the one that plays a radio station, a CHEAP CHANNEL, on its PA (annoying -- and illegal), and said Rong-Aid and CHEAP CHANNEL station subject me to an AOL Boobs 'n' Braves Channel, er, TBS Superstation ad for A PIECE OF JUNK, and at the end of said ad came the following friendly reminder: "Brought to you by Verizon." Which means many things: Verizon doesn't care what it spends its customers' money on, AOL cut a deal with Verizon and CHEAP CHANNEL to save money promoing the PIECE OF JUNK, and on and on and on. Already I can hear some idiot spokespoop mumbling, "Well we paid for Verizon Hall!" Yeah -- and you probably got more in tax breaks than you donated. Sorry morons, in most of your markets, you're still REGULATED, and the fact that you take pride in financing a PIECE OF JUNK on television tells me you want to waste OUR MONEY.
"Amin was a gifted man."
Gifted at genocide, gifted at decapitations, gifted at eating....
What if he hadn't been gifted?
Gifted at genocide, gifted at decapitations, gifted at eating....
What if he hadn't been gifted?
Another Devin (under what rock does BLUNDER find all these slugs?) says movies may now improve.
I can think of one reason movies may never improve: BLUNDER.
I can think of one reason movies may never improve: BLUNDER.
Holy cockroaches school their kids in ignorance.
Make that boys; girls deserve to be ignorant and unlearned.
Make that boys; girls deserve to be ignorant and unlearned.
Yes, the EU is suffering a crisis of values, as its smug dismissal of everything American proves; but so is the Catholic church, starting not least with its unwillingness to confront the evil within, and further evidenced by its condemning homosexuality and war in Iraq in the same breath without the slightest sense or nuance. The Pope served a magnificent historical purpose, but it has come time for him to step aside for a new Pope to confront a new century.
A grand jury has found scapegoats for the CRETINS' Fireworks Show, but when there are scapegoats, there may not be justice.
When a Gershwin or a Cole Porter died, everyone knew who he was, and what he wrote. When a Web site headlines, "Marvin Gaye songwriter dies," you go, HUH?
QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Version 483.04, Build 12.
When will these news-hack idiots realize we don't believe a word in these stories because they've been at their QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gag since before the war? And how does such automatic disbelief help the "free" press, or the truth?
When will these news-hack idiots realize we don't believe a word in these stories because they've been at their QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gag since before the war? And how does such automatic disbelief help the "free" press, or the truth?