Posted 1:06 PM by Gene

Without having to READ it, and we haven't (though we provide the link as a public disservice), let's see if we can WRITE a PAPER OF RE-CORD editorial -- from the mouth of THE LORD GOD PINCH HIMSELF:

The Schiavo Case

Death oughta be a convenience. If you're a vegetable, you're a vegetable. Vegetables are dead. (Except at the Four Seasons, haha.) But these LOONEY-RIGHT NAZ -- temper, Art -- THESE BUSH-HIT...oh, these ultra, er RE-PUB-LI-CANS were trying to interfere in a PERSONAL, PRIVATE MATTER. Government has no business in the bedroom, the hospice, wherever people want to conveniently die. But when our FELLOW MAN, PERSON may blow POISONS into our face like somebody did the other day, and kill THOUSANDS WITH THEIR SECOND-HAND SMOKE, then GOVERNMENT HAS THE...DAMN, we can't keep pulling these gags on the public forever. I know damn well what circulation's been telling me. Of COURSE we're not going to admit it's shrinking! We're THE PAPER OF RECORD! I'LL BE DAMNED IF ANYONE TELLS ME WHAT WE OUGHT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO THINK! Oh, the HELL with it! WE'RE THE TIMES, AND WE'RE BETTER THAN ANYBODY. Jayson was just race and jealousy. Let's see, vegetables -- hey Miriam, call up and ask what the most expensive thing on the menu is today! That's all right, they'll -- I'LL pay for it.