Eugene David
...The One-Minute Pundit

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    • THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
    I know more than you.
    I make lots more money than you.
    I'm smarter than you.
    I'm sexier than you.
    I appear on TV all the time.
    I work ten minutes a day.
    I rule the universe.
    I'm going to live forever.
    You are an idiot.

    THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
    A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.

    THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
    I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
    --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.

    THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
    News isn't news when we don't report it.

    PERMALINKS:

    THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY

    THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY

    AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!

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    Sunday, February 18, 2007

    Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

    On the cover of THE WORLD'S LEADING NEWSR -- you know: "Men and Depression." That means we must be LOSING everywhere else in the world! Let's see:

    Nope -- "Exclusive access" to THE WORLD'S OLDEST ADOLESCENT! JonBoy has perfected the art of being a newsrag editor: he obviously thought an interview with this once-"brilliant" world leader turned miscreant would bore the American Gothic readers in the heartland (wherever that is), so he bores us with another SERVICE feature! I think JonBoy would give us ALL BRITNEY ALL THE TIME! if he thought it could pay. God knows enough editors do.

    Well, there's one saving grace -- we make him look like DUBYA on the cover!

    Elsewhere in our xenophobic edition -- let me guess -- TV IS BETTER THAN EVER!!!!! Am I right?

    It's our leading PR executive Devin...

    RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    It's dangerous to make broad generalizations about TV versus film without sounding as though you're comparing apples and tubas....

    But hey, tubas are delicious! A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to DEVIN!

    Figures Tuba Man would rhapsodize over Lost -- as its audience is plunging through the floor, perhaps in part because of the GENIUS that made it ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME.

    Soon it'll be summertime, and the annual march of the sequels will resume. "Spider-Man 3." "Shrek 3." The third "Pirates of the Caribbean." The fourth "Die Hard." The fifth "Harry Potter."

    If that list excites you, there's probably a simple explanation: you're 12.

    Or A NEWSRAG PR EXECUTIVE -- as we'll find out when you inflict us with AT LEAST ONE COVER STORY. We'll be WAITING.

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