Posted 12:50 PM by Gene

After the inspiration behind the MASSACRE RALLY I came up with an equation to measure the tedium in news reporting. Now, in the wake of THE GREATEST SPORTS ACHIEVEMENT IN HUMANKIND'S HISTORY, I have come up with a new equation:

[(R * O * W / N) * S] / I = LD

in which, for a given story, R is the number of reporters covering it; O is the number of media outlets covering it; W is the number of words they cover it with; N is the news factor (which given a SUPER BORE is close to zero); S is the show-biz suck-up factor (a VERY large number for the BORE); and I is the total number of insights produced through all the reporters and media outlets and words (certainly less than five, which is generous), and the result is LD -- LOUD and DUMB. I am proud to say I may have been the first writer in America to call the SUPER BORE a MAJESTIC WORK OF GREATNESS because I have become increasingly agitated by the instant clichés LOUD, DUMB WRITING produces. The divisor N approaches the infinitesimal when the subject is SUPER BORE ADS. Then the LOUD and DUMB become a roar so deafening it can almost be heard in Berlin at 3 a.m., when the BORE reaches its fever pitch, to an audience of tens of thousands.

Of course this equation also applies to stories about the godforsaken primaries. We have had little news about them or the candidates. Why should we? To figure what they'll be like as president is Ouija-board-rending speculation. But when did ignorance ever stop a news hack? So, he attempts find earth-shattering consequence in the most mind-numbingly minute details, resulting in kazillions of LOUD and DUMB WORDS, and an increase in mental-ward populations.

Today through Mr. Teachout I discovered this sobering study documenting the young's growing aversion to reading. While we must view such a study with a certain skepticism given information overload -- and that, after all, involves reading, however garbled -- we cannot doubt that our press consumption constitutes an ever-bulkier cross between cotton-candy and bubble gum, and in devising the term GIGO the computer dweebs devised wisdom for the ages, which with the press shows up in ever LOUDER, DUMBER WRITING -- and in a very good reason for refusing to read.

(Updated at 6:15 p. m. today to reflect my ignorance of math, among other things.)

(Further corrected 10/5/2008; "the infinitesimal" replaced "infinity". Stupido!)