THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Microsoft Sends Out Feelers to Facebook: Report
A fool and His money -- no. Money to burn -- no. Money isn't every -- Oh, we'll think of something.
A fool and His money -- no. Money to burn -- no. Money isn't every -- Oh, we'll think of something.
The Pentagon readied people and equipment for an aid mission to cyclone-stricken Myanmar, but the top U.S. diplomat in the Asian nation said its military junta was "paranoid" about accepting American help.
What did we say the other day?
What did we say the other day?
And remember further: there is no reason to think the DO-NOT-CALL LAW's impact can't spread to the Web -- if we're to judge from the frequent POSs like THIS.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to the ASSPRESS!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to the ASSPRESS!
The owner of the Star Tribune has informed investors that it has written down the value of its $100 million investment in the newspaper by 75 percent to reflect deteriorating conditions since the purchase in March 2007.
Remember -- when we hear of more such tales of woe -- blame it on the
DO-NOT-CALL LAW.
Remember -- when we hear of more such tales of woe -- blame it on the
DO-NOT-CALL LAW.
Cerberus Capital Management, the US private equity group, said it has had talks with China’s sovereign wealth fund about possible co-operation.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
After one performance we don't suppose anyone will call the people behind this one George and Ira.
But then how do they differ from the people who write the Muzak for Branson East's hits?
But then how do they differ from the people who write the Muzak for Branson East's hits?
The difference between PILLHEAD deking the Democratic primaries and THE GREATEST INTERVIEWER EVER running America is...NONE. They both have it in for democracy -- and the people.
Gore ties cyclone to warming
ME!!!!! ME!!!!! ME!!!!!
When Yahoo! goes KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! like this we can imagine no new low we wouldn't want its stock to hit.
ME!!!!! ME!!!!! ME!!!!!
When Yahoo! goes KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! like this we can imagine no new low we wouldn't want its stock to hit.
AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!
© 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy. [SIC!!!!!]
NOW you've done it! This is worse than ticking off the Paper of Re-CORD!
© 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Learn more about our Privacy Policy. [SIC!!!!!]
NOW you've done it! This is worse than ticking off the Paper of Re-CORD!
Shucks, you mean G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE and Stevedom won't merge to create the first $1 TRILLION market-cap company?
Android Arriving
Yes, to manage it.
Android Arriving
Yes, to manage it.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
In my quest to build a first-class DVD collection I have come across one of SLIME's screwiest innovations: Cliffs Notes movies. Yes, movies packaged with Cliffs Notes. There are nine titles, and judging by the selection these aren't necessary the most Cliffs Notesiest -- nor the best; but then we're limited to the movies SLIME distributes on DVD, namely FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the outfit that MUST call itself MGM. When B&N had a recent sale I bought two of them: Jane Eyre (the 1944 version) and Inherit the Wind, the latter somewhat difficult because it is from that pill Stanley Kramer, he who thought he could be less of a pill directing slapstick, and it is something of a lecture, and it was written by Lawrence and Lee, those limousine liberals nonpareil, and it does have Gene Kelly as Mencken; but it also has two solid old tubthumpers in Spencer Tracy and Fredric March, and fact is I've only torn the shrink wrap off maybe half-a-dozen of the dozens of titles I've purchased as I'm still waiting to get a TV.
And the best part is, if the movie's no good I can still crib from the Cliffs Notes.
Unfortunately, no Cliffs Notes came with The Nutty Professor (wrong company). At least they could have delved into the history of France.
And the best part is, if the movie's no good I can still crib from the Cliffs Notes.
Unfortunately, no Cliffs Notes came with The Nutty Professor (wrong company). At least they could have delved into the history of France.
Speaking of:
Feldstein Says U.S. Economy `Sliding' Into Recession
Pardon us, Marty, but hasn't the country slid into recession for the past eighteen months? When will you Ouija-board manipulators finally get it right?
Feldstein Says U.S. Economy `Sliding' Into Recession
Pardon us, Marty, but hasn't the country slid into recession for the past eighteen months? When will you Ouija-board manipulators finally get it right?
It's official: Citi's chairman says THE CRISIS IS OVER!!!!!
Sir Win also defended the world's major banks against criticism from billionaire investor Warren Buffett that they are growing too big to manage effectively.
Sir Win said that the success of all companies "ultimately comes down to management" regardless of size.
Thus exempting St. Warren of Buffett.
Sir Win also defended the world's major banks against criticism from billionaire investor Warren Buffett that they are growing too big to manage effectively.
Sir Win said that the success of all companies "ultimately comes down to management" regardless of size.
Thus exempting St. Warren of Buffett.
The Media Center of the Universe is a hotbed of piracy.
Would that count as an instance of rebellion?
(Via ShowBizData)
Would that count as an instance of rebellion?
(Via ShowBizData)
ANALYST WARNS OF OIL AT $200 A BARREL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Overemphasis added)
Mr Murti’s warnings carry weight in the oil market after he correctly predicted in March 2005 when oil traded at about $55 a barrel that prices could suffer a “super-spike” to $105 a barrel.
The warning in 2005 was criticised as “self-serving” because Goldman Sachs is one of the largest Wall Street investment banks trading oil and it could profit from an increase in prices.
The criticism forced the bank’s then chief executive – Henry Paulson – to defend the bullish report. Mr Paulson is now US Treasury secretary.
Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!
Mr Murti’s warnings carry weight in the oil market after he correctly predicted in March 2005 when oil traded at about $55 a barrel that prices could suffer a “super-spike” to $105 a barrel.
The warning in 2005 was criticised as “self-serving” because Goldman Sachs is one of the largest Wall Street investment banks trading oil and it could profit from an increase in prices.
The criticism forced the bank’s then chief executive – Henry Paulson – to defend the bullish report. Mr Paulson is now US Treasury secretary.
Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Another reason we desperately need SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS: The SUPERPROFESSOR has an exclusive!!!! brought to us by MS. SOUTH PARK:
Fred Thompson [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
will not be John McCain's veep. An Insta-interview.
05/05 03:24 PM
Wow! And to think NewsMAX!!!!! reported that only...a week ago!
MORE SCOOPMAKING WHERE THAT CAME FROM, SUPERPROF!
Fred Thompson [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
will not be John McCain's veep. An Insta-interview.
05/05 03:24 PM
Wow! And to think NewsMAX!!!!! reported that only...a week ago!
MORE SCOOPMAKING WHERE THAT CAME FROM, SUPERPROF!
• Myanmar regime slow to OK foreign aid for cyclone victims
TRANSLATION: We're so paranoid we'll do it ourselves!
Although the outlook is changing, if you read the story.
TRANSLATION: We're so paranoid we'll do it ourselves!
Although the outlook is changing, if you read the story.
The Post-American World
As China and Russia rise, where does that leave the United States?
I thought America was already dead.
Or taken over by the Japanese twenty years ago.
This is all because we lost Afghanistan on Annie Leibovitz' watch.
P. S. We couldn't find that famous cover of Japan gobbling up America, but we did find this:
And you wonder why people don't read newsrags anymore.
As China and Russia rise, where does that leave the United States?
I thought America was already dead.
Or taken over by the Japanese twenty years ago.
This is all because we lost Afghanistan on Annie Leibovitz' watch.
P. S. We couldn't find that famous cover of Japan gobbling up America, but we did find this:
And you wonder why people don't read newsrags anymore.
Speaking of EHDYUKAYSHUN, Romy and some "former Fortune staffer" dust off that old failed magic trick about getting INSTEETOOTS UV HYER LURNING to take over the news biz, which would merely formalize its effete snobbery -- and if we know the most successful of these like HAHVAHD MUTUAL FUND they won't want to invest in a FAILING business.
"I don't want to be the dummy that says, 'I don't know how to do that,' " says country star Gretchen Wilson from her Wilson County home, which sits on 400 acres they call Wilson Mountain. "And I certainly don't want her to think you can be this successful without an education."
These are among the first reasons given for why, at 34, the "Redneck Woman" finished high school.
Ah, but you can be successful! Lots of famous people who did good flunked something. They weren't "dummies". That they succeeded was all the more testimony to their spirit. I think we do overvalue the worth of an EHDYUKAYSHUN.
(Via ASSPress)
These are among the first reasons given for why, at 34, the "Redneck Woman" finished high school.
Ah, but you can be successful! Lots of famous people who did good flunked something. They weren't "dummies". That they succeeded was all the more testimony to their spirit. I think we do overvalue the worth of an EHDYUKAYSHUN.
(Via ASSPress)
Sunday, May 04, 2008
In fairness to THE CONSPIRACY, its co-conspirators are merely playing to a very weak strong suit. Which would you rather see: Cary Grant or some non-entity in an electronic suit portraying a CGI superhero? Sophia Loren or -- I forgot, there are no Sophia Lorens anymore. Nor Cary Grants, nor Ernst Lubitsches, nor Herman Mankiewiczs, and maybe that's the point: with no Cary Grants or Sophia Lorens the biz has to put something on the screen, just for self-preservation, though it be a pile of horseleavings; and the ever-improving technology guarantees it will be nothing but comic books, and its ever-improvement makes the horseleavings ever more aromatic. That doesn't mean we have to play an AD-BLURBIST like A.O. and pretend they smell like roses. What always strikes us about the stupid movie audience and the effete snobs is how they stand so religiously close to the piles and breathe deep. Their behavior primes us for ever-increased disgust; if the chances for show-biz' product improving is zero, these zeros make the chances less-than.
We've issued variations on this flat, tiresome theme again and again, which certainly doesn't ameliorate our disgust.
Even the table-pounding advertorial writers had to admit attendance was down markedly this week, and they can make a zillion excuses, and it won't be that way next week with another cartoon coming on, but this trend may not be short-term, and we would like to believe some outliers among the movie morons have finally gotten the message.
We've issued variations on this flat, tiresome theme again and again, which certainly doesn't ameliorate our disgust.
Even the table-pounding advertorial writers had to admit attendance was down markedly this week, and they can make a zillion excuses, and it won't be that way next week with another cartoon coming on, but this trend may not be short-term, and we would like to believe some outliers among the movie morons have finally gotten the message.
An admission (gulp) from a leading blogger:
If the respective left and right blogospheres had any real say in things, would we be looking at a McCain vs. Obama contest in November? Or McCain vs. Hillary? We would not. It would be Giuliani vs. Edwards, or maybe Romney vs. Dodd. The blogosphere is good at raising modest sums of money, and it likewise plays a modest role at the congressional level, but its influence on the national stage appears to be pretty close to nil. That was true in 2004, when Kerry won the Democratic nomination, and it appears to still be true four years later.
If the respective left and right blogospheres had any real say in things, would we be looking at a McCain vs. Obama contest in November? Or McCain vs. Hillary? We would not. It would be Giuliani vs. Edwards, or maybe Romney vs. Dodd. The blogosphere is good at raising modest sums of money, and it likewise plays a modest role at the congressional level, but its influence on the national stage appears to be pretty close to nil. That was true in 2004, when Kerry won the Democratic nomination, and it appears to still be true four years later.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
What is Chris Orr but a male Ms. Travers?
I'm surprised she hasn't gotten down on her hands and knees too.
I'm surprised she hasn't gotten down on her hands and knees too.
Shucks, if only those EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Republicans wouldn't bring up THE P WORD.
And as two of the three people we interview are Democrats it must have been a good cry.
And as two of the three people we interview are Democrats it must have been a good cry.
Can someone tell me why the same self-important edi-TORS who scratch themselves on their massive backs with awards for lockstep knee-jerk thinking are so exercised about altering photos in women's magazines?
Speaking of THE IMMORTAL:
The Post reported on April 22 that Redstone has privately expressed frustration with CBS' performance, and he has made his thoughts known to Dauman, who is said to be angling to oust Moonves and then merge CBS and Viacom into a single company which he would then run. [!!!!!]
Just one problem: SUMNER's honorary mentor, Adolph Zukor, lived to be 103.
The Post reported on April 22 that Redstone has privately expressed frustration with CBS' performance, and he has made his thoughts known to Dauman, who is said to be angling to oust Moonves and then merge CBS and Viacom into a single company which he would then run. [!!!!!]
Just one problem: SUMNER's honorary mentor, Adolph Zukor, lived to be 103.
Meantime the movie geeks and comic-book fans are excited because their 95% masterwork is doing BETTER THAN EXPECTED!!!!!!!!!! While the old coot SUMNER knows how to massage expectations we tallied up those weekend speculations and they seem to be somewhat behind last year's statistical hooey, meaning (apart from the obvious advantage of not hearing PAUL DRECK speak of RECORDS!!!!!) that maybe -- and God knows we read too much into this -- maybe the Civil War and the Os-CAR® debacle started a small part of the fillum audience into THINKING, and perhaps chipped them away from the popcorn restaurants, however CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED the comic-book movies.
To be sure, the comparisons may be better next week, and there is no guarantee the show-biz sycophant-typists still can't get their way, but the public isn't that stupid, though moviegoers are.
(Via the ultrageeks at HSX.com)
To be sure, the comparisons may be better next week, and there is no guarantee the show-biz sycophant-typists still can't get their way, but the public isn't that stupid, though moviegoers are.
(Via the ultrageeks at HSX.com)
Friday, May 02, 2008
Stale.com, which has suddenly taken an unhealthy interest in horse racing, tells us of some sheikh who supposedly spent a billion trying to win the Derby when for just forty bucks he could have gotten a hat, and the cigar-chewers who will go down to the track until the biz gets it in its head to tear down most of its grandstands, which may cause problems of its own.
Couldn't we take an interest in a sport that's not quite so smelly -- like BRIDGE?
Couldn't we take an interest in a sport that's not quite so smelly -- like BRIDGE?
FCC: Telepictures Productions' TMZ Is a News Program
Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
As Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger continues to say publicly that he will hold the line against new taxes, his administration is laying the groundwork for a possible tax increase.
Administration officials are soliciting advice from business groups and other special interests on how to propose billions of dollars in tax hikes that could help close a budget shortfall the governor now says is as large as $20 billion.
Is he still sexy?
Administration officials are soliciting advice from business groups and other special interests on how to propose billions of dollars in tax hikes that could help close a budget shortfall the governor now says is as large as $20 billion.
Is he still sexy?
The bad news for Gekko Kudlows: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL GUVMENT's putting limits on credit-card fees.
The good news for Gekko Kudlows: WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
The construction and manufacturing sectors continued to shed jobs in April, but less cyclical sectors such as education offset these declines.
Maybe big guvment isn't so bad after all -- if you're Gekko Kudlow.
The good news for Gekko Kudlows: WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
The construction and manufacturing sectors continued to shed jobs in April, but less cyclical sectors such as education offset these declines.
Maybe big guvment isn't so bad after all -- if you're Gekko Kudlow.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Home Depot to close 15 underperforming US stores
...while opening 55 new ones, meaning Babbittry is safe -- for now.
...while opening 55 new ones, meaning Babbittry is safe -- for now.
AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!
FORT HOOD, Texas (AP) -- A jury has acquitted an Army sergeant who shot an Iraqi insurgent.
There is just no getting these COLD-BLOO...these soldiers to pay the price!
FORT HOOD, Texas (AP) -- A jury has acquitted an Army sergeant who shot an Iraqi insurgent.
There is just no getting these COLD-BLOO...these soldiers to pay the price!
Barbara Walters reveals affair with senator
We're not surprised: Baba Wawa has romanced her subjects for decades.
We're not surprised: Baba Wawa has romanced her subjects for decades.
Okay: Which will reach idiotic new highs again first because the people who've driven up corn and oil need something else to be psychotic about: Stevedom or the DalaiLamadom?
Obama says public tired of hearing about his former pastor
So are we, but neither pastor nor The Messiah will shut his trap.
So are we, but neither pastor nor The Messiah will shut his trap.
We think we figured why Jut-Jaw needs so many people. Say he has a tech crew of 20 -- cameramen, video people, audio, lighting. A make-up staff of five. His musicians are what, ten? The people who gather the guests, ten. Director, assistants to the director, producer, assistants to the producer, assistants to Jut-Jaw -- we'll say 15. Stage managers and their staff, ten.
JUT-JAW NEEDS 130 WRITERS!
JUT-JAW NEEDS 130 WRITERS!
Time to Hit the Brakes on Bus Cliche? (Home-page link)
No, because this is at least the second article we've seen suggesting this -- and God knows how many, many, MANY more there've been where those came from.
And what news hack can function without his clichés, verbal and otherwise?
No, because this is at least the second article we've seen suggesting this -- and God knows how many, many, MANY more there've been where those came from.
And what news hack can function without his clichés, verbal and otherwise?
"Beautiful Downtown Burbank" is getting lots of super-expensive office space. Why?
The ratio of support staff to the number of people who actually perform in and produce some television shows, for instance, has doubled or even tripled in the last decade, said Muhlstein, an entertainment industry specialist with Cushman & Wakefield who negotiated the NBC deal.
"The typical talk show starring one person, like 'Ellen,' has 150 support staff," Muhlstein said. "Jay Leno has 200."
How many did Jack Paar need?
The ratio of support staff to the number of people who actually perform in and produce some television shows, for instance, has doubled or even tripled in the last decade, said Muhlstein, an entertainment industry specialist with Cushman & Wakefield who negotiated the NBC deal.
"The typical talk show starring one person, like 'Ellen,' has 150 support staff," Muhlstein said. "Jay Leno has 200."
How many did Jack Paar need?