Posted 8:26 PM by Gene

Back in '74, Andreas van Kuijk, needing kuijk cash to help Kirk Kerkorian finance another six hotels on the Vegas Strip, released an all-talking record album of his cash cow Elvis in concert -- all-talking so he could chisel Elvis's piano-banging hacks and his tone-deaf label RCA out of royalties. Supposedly the King (who unfortunately started to resemble a cow at this time) got mad, though most likely he never did as his career was beyond caring. Since then the album, acclaimed as the worst of all time, has spawned four bootleg kissin' cousins, meaning over three hours of this sucker supposedly having fun on stage, and God knows how many more lurk in vaults and bedrooms. For the Elvis impersonators these should be the veritable motherlode. Anyone can do "Hound Dog"; who can do Elvis forgetting the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" in Pontiac, Michigan on New Year's Eve? There are so many shticks here the impersonator wouldn't even have to know how to sing. The first-rate Elvis impersonator must do the following:

Introduce yourself as Johnny Cash, Dean Martin, anyone to make people forget it's you in that skin-tight jump suit that's about to rip.

Remember that every audience is the most incredible, and to tell them that with a mix of unction and disdain.

Force J. D. Sumner to make an ass of himself singing as low a note as possible.

Make fun of your backing crew's names. "That's Tutt and that's Schiff. Tutt Schiff any way you look at it." (SIC!)

Announce at least three times during every concert variations on, "You know what I can't do?" -- followed by a ten-chord piano vamp and a rimshot, followed by, "Sing and drink water at the same time." (He sometimes called it "wawa.")

Remind the screaming ladies demanding a kiss that you passed the "creeping crud" onto one of them the night before.

Mock the screaming ladies by letting loose with a wild yakety-yak noise, and hope it's them you're imitating.

Drop the names of the half-a-dozen bigwigs in the audience who are paying you tribute though some of them don't seem so big anymore.

Sing a haunting blues called "Well Well Well Well Well Well Well", which somehow Elvis didn't have the brains to copyright after van Kuijk issued the album.

If you're desperate, mention van Kuijk by his pseudonym. That's always good for a laugh. (Evidently people held van Kuijk in contempt long before anyone knew who he was.)

Remind the patrons that Bob Dylan slept in your mouth.

And don't forget, if you're adding sound effects, as you should -- the polite applause is for Vegas. The screaming ladies are for the road.

And of course you can't be an Elvis impersonator in good standing unless you know the name of van Kuijk's production company, the one that herded its cash cow all across America (but NOT overseas. Wonder why?): All Star Shows. How apt.

P. S. Van Kuijk originally issued this on his one-shot Boxcar label before RCA foolishly acquired it. The man had some imagination, didn't he?

(Originally posted at 12:25 p. m.; moved so I could try to forget the civil war of talk that commenced yesterday)