THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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SARAH SILVERMAN!!!!!: I just found out that embedding feces deep into the roots of a shag rug is on my dog's Bucket List.
PATTON OSWALT!!!!!: I disagree with Werner Herzog declaring a "Holy War" on yoga, but would love to watch him wage it.
JONAH HILL!!!!!: It's so awkward running into my ex-girlfriend. It's come to the point where I find myself avoiding sitting in my car outside of her house.
SETH "YUM!" MacFARLANE!!!!!: Now that we've seen his birth certificate, I want to see proof that President Obama is black.
BILLY "OSCAR®!!!!!" CRYSTAL!!!!!: Filed my taxes today, can't believe there's still a deficit.
JIMMY FALLON!!!!!: A shelter put a dog named Twitter up for adoption. While their dog, MySpace, was “taken to a farm to run & play forever.”
ERIC SEVAREID!!!!!: If anyone in President Donald Trump's cabinet isn't pulling their weight, he won't hesitate to say, "You are the weakest link, goodbye!"
SHANA ALEXANDER!!!!!: [SUMNER insiders will get THAT joke.] I just saw a guy get his nutz banged in a movie! I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE! Please do that joke ALL THE TIME Hollywood! Ha ha ha.
WAIT!! What do you mean the club's closing? We just got started!