Posted 6:52 PM by Gene

When will we learn that tax breaks, under whatever guise they're presented, are just another means of redistributing wealth?

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

New Products Offer Radiation Protection Against Dirty Bombs

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

And in yet another NEWS HACK waste of time....

Or as they said on September 10, "OSAMA -- NO!! STOOOOOOOOOOPID -- YES!!!!!"

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

"I can assure you Ted, all those wells...."

Some scientists are as bad as NEWS HACKS; they can't stop preening or politicking.

Posted 12:18 PM by Gene

A movie company is conducting an experiment to see whether a film can be a hit with an audience comprised solely of New York Times readers.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

In the classic Kaufman-and-Hart comedy The Man who Came to Dinner, an MD pesters the wheelchair-bound great man Sheridan Whiteside with a manuscript the size of the Manhattan telephone directory -- Forty Years an Ohio Doctor (or Forty Years Below the Navel, as Whiteside must put it).

This guy must be related.

Posted 6:15 AM by Gene

Does anyone remember Son of Sam's memoirist Dick Schaap? Does anyone remember how you couldn't stop him from yapping that Charlie Hustle ought to be in THE HALL? I suspect that hack must be doing somersaults in his grave.

Posted 4:08 PM by Gene

Our THIRD example of NEWS HACKS burying bad news. As you know, THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT (last sentence drum roll please):

Attendance last week was 13,659, less than capacity.

TRANSLATION: When the greatest players in THE GREATEST MUSICAL OF ALL TIME are gone, attendance will fall off a cliff.

Posted 3:43 PM by Gene

"pretentious windbag," "sleazy," "pompous," "grotesque"

One pretentious windbag, William F. "ROLL OVER, BEETHOVEN" Buckley, deserves another.

P. S. May we presume NewsMax!!!!!!!!!!!! runs The New York Observer's letters to the editor -- just in case? (It runs on Wednesdays.)

Posted 3:37 PM by Gene

Translation: this takes 10,000 WORDS of stultifyingly KEE-YUTE writing, and after 1,000 the reader will cry UNCLE!!!!!!!!!

Posted 3:27 PM by Gene

More wasted bandwidth:

U.S. Says Plane Scare Apparently False Alarm

I'm certainly feeling secure, aren't you?

Posted 3:03 PM by Gene

Another story that buries the unpleasant truth: The senior CLUNKER BROTHER got a good thing going with Jann "THE HIP TOTALITARIAN" Wenner's PR rag; now top Chevy executives can go all around DEE-troit yelling, "I'M FRIENDS WITH (FILL IN THE BLANK WITH A ONE-HIT WONDER) AND YOU'RE NOT!!!!!" (Talk about CHEVY Chase Syndrome!) Unfortunately, Celine the Screecher put the screeching brakes on Daimler's sales, and this brilliant campaign may not be doing Chevy a favor either, as revealed in the LAST PARAGRAPH:

Chevrolet, which has lost share in the car segment....

Better to make "friends" with no-talents than to help sales, right CLUNKER BROTHER? LET THEM EAT JOBS!

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

The former Mr. MRS. SLUT.

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

THE BRAIN AND THE KAHUNA ALERT: YAHOO! FIGHTS GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$200 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!

Posted 1:38 PM by Gene

With all due respect, does The Red Planet have anything other than rust and ice caps?

Posted 1:36 PM by Gene

I don't know who the Producers Guild of America is, but I see all five of my best-picture OSCAR® nominees are on their list! (They cheated, though, by adding a sixth. Pfffffffffffft!)

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

Another sales pitch: you have to go all the way down the article to find Sir Schlockintosh's production of Oliver! which is playing these parts is (clear the throat here) "of the 'bus and truck' variety," but then the author is a rock-music-ad-blurb copywriter, so we can expect lots of hip-hopping around the truth.

I mention this show because another central tenet of Rendellism is filling the theaters with bus-and-truck-company productions as that allows the local hotels and eateries to hire more of the maids, janitors, bellhops and dishwashers that will fuel a city's economy.

Posted 1:04 PM by Gene

America is winning one war decisively in the Middle East, the one to turn Saudi Arabian children into couch potatoes. A survey by Merlin, an American consumer research firm, found that Saudi children watch an average of 3.1 hours of TV per day on weekdays and 4.9 hours on weekends. While families tend to have six or seven members and at least two televisions, most children watch programs with siblings or parents. Only 19 percent indicated that they watch television alone. Kids tend to favor such programming as the Disney channel, while parents prefer American movies with subtitles. They're apparently learning things from cable, too. Saudi children are increasingly adopting habits and mannerisms of Western culture, including tattoos, baseball caps and baggy jeans.

But do they still believe in JIHAD?

Posted 12:51 PM by Gene

SUBHEAD OF THE WEEK:

this is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a pegboxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg boxthis is a peg box

I think we get the message.

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

And speaking of junk news, Princess Di is alleged to have believed Bonnie Prince Charlie was out to kill her, proof those two royal airheads were made for each other.

Posted 12:42 PM by Gene

Graydon Suckup may think he is ohhhhhhhh sooooooo smart launching his tirade against Honorary Mayor Mike, except for two things: 1. Mike IS the honorary mayor of New York, and 2., the last I looked, he is still the principal owner of Bloomberg L.P.

Posted 12:36 PM by Gene

And as I said yesterday, we need look no further for junk news than the new Internet bubble about to be fueled by our favorite search-engine company. And Google celebrated last night by taking down Blogger for several hours -- and posting this error message for the grumbling faithful:

Due to planned maintenance, Blogger will be unavailable for a few hours starting at 11pm (Pacific) on Wednesday, November 12.

Thanks for your patience.

$100 BILLION FOR GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 12:32 PM by Gene

The last time I recall so much junk news was before 9/11. NEWS HACKS are directly culpable for that catastrophe because they did next to no reporting on the holy cockroaches, reporting that might have saved lives. Instead, it was all panem et circenses, with the self-serving justification that it made money. Sorry, if there's another Osama out there, I WANT TO KNOW. I do NOT want to know about publicity-seeking crocodile feeders, or "lost" lottery tickets, or the Former MRS. SLUT, or any one of your other favorites. I WANT NEWS, NOT PR.

Posted 7:33 PM by Gene

INTERNET BUBBLE TWO BEGINS!!!!!

Wanna bet Google lays off the whole staff of Blogger? (Although things couldn't be much different if it did.)

Gotta say it again: I'm waiting for IPOs of BLOGS.

Posted 7:24 PM by Gene

What's the difference between Sharialand and Democratic Kampuchea?

One thing's certain: in Democratic Kampuchea, they didn't wear mini-skirts either.

Of course, to news hacks, the people who institute these legal tantrums are CONSERVATIVE.

Posted 7:18 PM by Gene

NO YOU SHOULDN'T.

Posted 7:14 PM by Gene

Raise the white flag and play "Taps": by sending police into its schools, New York City is admitting public education has mortally failed.

Posted 7:08 PM by Gene

How soon we forget: the invaluable New Republic was for years a tool of Soviet Communism, and it took many, many years for the stain to go away.

Posted 7:05 PM by Gene

Looks like the Buttmen, Dow 36,000 and "Barney Fag" Armey wrote some of these new overtime regs. Lower a worker's pay and then add overtime to equal his former salary -- GREAT IDEA! The knee-jerk hard-core conservatives are drooling over this one!

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Today's Doonesbury Flashback Strip: My bad dad.

Translation: G. B.'s taking another one of his many, MANY vacations, so join us in a blast from the past as the Doone blasts Adolf W. Sr. (No, I didn't read it, and I'm not going to. Doonesbury's the Mallard Fillmore of the left.)

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

CIA says tape was bin Laden

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Posted 11:47 AM by Gene

At the theaters, attendance was down 4.25%. Box office was down to an estimated $9.275 billion, compared to $9.317 billion in 2002, despite a 4% rise in ticket prices, according to box-office tracker Exhibitor Relations. The trend in theaters was still more sequels and more comic books. In 2002, six of the top-ten movies were sequels: The number two hit, Pirates of the Caribbean by The Walt Disney Co., was based on a theme park ride, and another, Finding Nemo, the year's top hit by Disney and Pixar, was a cartoon. This is one more sequel than appeared in the top ten a year ago. Just five years ago there was not a single sequel in the top ten, according to data provided by Boxofficemojo.com.

At MPAA, Progress is Our Most Important Product!

Posted 9:09 AM by Gene

The future of the British Vicarage and Tea Time Club is being determined by BLOGS!

It's a good thing PROF's an agnostic or we'd never hear the end of it.

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

A funny thing happened on the way to a national bank: customers.

Don't the Buttmen and Dow 36,000s and "Barney Fag" Armeys realize most folks root for the little guy?

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

I know the news hacks are chuckling, and flashing the dollar signs in their eyes, but what if the groom had Johnnie Cochran?

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

Another favorite pastime of America's STOOPIDS: paintball.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

No. 1/2! (Sorry.)

OR:

"Co-No. 1! Co-No. 1!"

Posted 6:17 AM by Gene

DUHHHHHHHHH, DAMN!'s the man in 200, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, 4.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

And on the subject of heroes, if the world could have the same ecstatic feeling that overwhelms The Osama Channel studios every time those truthtellers remaster a tape, we'd be in nirvana.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Good news on the Mideast human rights front: Jordanians can still name kids after their heroes.

Posted 2:41 PM by Gene

Looks like International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S. will be having a busy time of it this year: on the 19th (MLK's b'day) they're staking out Madison Square Garden (rather as an al-Qaeda member would, one suspects) in the hopes they can someday spit on our soldiers as we force them home, rather like the good ol' days of Vietnam; and on March 20 they're rallying to end (among other things) THE JEWS' OCCUPATION OF ISRAEL!

Each marching step is one closer to the gates of Hell.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

Report: Royal dog to see psychologist

AND THE ROYALS SHOULD...never mind.

Posted 10:28 AM by Gene

More than a hundred people at Cornell University watch space rover land on Mars

And if I know the folks at Ithaca, THEY were THERE.

Posted 9:50 AM by Gene

Another mark of Rendellism, besides building all sorts of hotels and restaurants to lure hundreds of bellhops and busboys and waitresses and maids: building superexpensive condos. This serves the double wonderful function of making housing unaffordable in on one of the few inhabitable sections of a city, while the ghettoes -- well, we all know what the GHETTOES deserve.

Before the entertainment ad-blurb copywriters existed, the newspapers had real-estate whoring. Here's ANOTHER aspect of the news industry that should go to Jupiter.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

Any marriage involving Madame Publicity Stunt will DEFINITELY be a practical joke.

Are they making odds at the sports books?

THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!, People rag -- who else "LEARNED" this?

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

NASA: 'We're back'

No you're not. There's still the little matter of the Orbiting Jalopy (a year ago next month, remember) and the added matter of what you're going to do when even you decide you can't fly the Jalopy any more. No, you're definitely not back.

Posted 7:46 PM by Gene

As juxtaposed on Yahoo! News's front page:

Study: Football Hits Similar to Car Crashes

BCS Won't Consider Football Playoff System

There must be a connection.

Posted 7:02 PM by Gene

Speaking of the Clunker Brothers, remember how DaimlerCorp aimed that ad campaign for Dodge penises -- er, SUVs at the URBAN AUDIENCE (wink wink)?

Well guess what? DaimlerCorp's in trouble again, for discriminating against -- the URBAN AUDIENCE (wink wink)!

Posted 6:47 PM by Gene

Looks like the senior Clunker Brother wants to bring back...



...the 1950 Chevy pickup!

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Congressman Ralph Hall's switching parties is not a little unlike Roy Disney switching sides after he helped turned his company into a soulless monster.

Posted 3:16 PM by Gene

And speaking of SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVES (which is to say, speaking of slobs), DOES PETE DESERVE TO BE IN THE HALL?!?!?

I say, once a slob, ALWAYS a slob.

Posted 2:53 PM by Gene

This past week Andy's guest host has been Danny, and he does the sort of thing that PROF and his other co-productions do: 1-and-2-and-this-stat-and-that-stat and -- a kind of David S. "As In Sominex" Broder with extra adjectives. The guy no doubt pulls down 20 million hits a second on his regular site. As Vir-GIN-ia said, "Without newspapers, most bloggers have nothing to write about." And as I said, WITH newspapers....

BRING BACK SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVES!!!!!

Posted 1:28 PM by Gene

Poll: Fourth of Public Doubt Beef Safety

Translation: News hacks aren't working hard enough.

Posted 1:23 PM by Gene

"I CAN ASSURE YOU IT’S NOT SADDAM WHO’S THREATENING TO BOMB AIRPLANES, IT’S AL-QAIDA. WE’VE NOT PAID ATTENTION TO AL-QAIDA. WE’VE SPENT $160 BILLION, LOST OVER 400 SERVICEMEN, AND WOUNDED AND PERMANENTLY MAIMED OVER 2,000 PEOPLE BECAUSE WE PICKED THE WRONG TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SEND IN KOFI ANNAN!

Posted 12:55 PM by Gene

Dubya's new trick is to raise and lower the budget at the same time.

Posted 6:22 PM by Gene

OH-oh, Vir-GIN-ia risks EXCOMMUNICATION:

[W]ithout newspapers, most bloggers have nothing to write about.

WITH newspapers....

Posted 6:13 PM by Gene

U.S. denies troops defiled Baghdad mosque

The next Iraqi Museum non-story for news hacks to chew on for months?

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

We may have to call President DAMN! "Shoeleather."

Why? BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS EATING IT.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Innocent until proven guilty -- or until we get our $50 million in the TOSTITOS BOWL.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Why couldn't one of Bill's BUGS strike when Kinsley.com's movie-ad-blurb copywriter is typing

3,451 WORDS

for his latest rave?

Posted 2:27 PM by Gene

No, we're using the relief planes to smuggle in THE MOSSAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 2:20 PM by Gene

One of the longest running cliches among NEWS HACKS is that ONCE UPON A TIME rock-music ad-blurb copywriting was MAGICAL. I suspect if a half-dozen typical specimens from this golden age could be exhumed the result could hardly be less pleasing if they were corpses. That said, is there any form of ad-blurb copywriting that DOESN'T REEK?

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

Now another cry from the left field stands: WE WANT McCLELLAN! WE WANT McCLELLAN!

We're gonna getta lotta lecturing before this one's through.

Posted 11:02 AM by Gene

Now the cheerleading builds to a deafening fever pitch:

WE WANT KOOK! WE WANT KOOK!

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

Everyone seems agreed now that the Times exaggerated on the big payment to Wacko, but whether it did or not is moot as our media are so bribe- and kickback-prone, and so overwhelming is the culture of news-hack backscratching, the best bribes don't even require money.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

Christmas May Not Be Necessary

NOW he tells us.

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

reposnded

Either PROF INC.'s spellcheck wasn't on or he was using BUZZ INC.'s.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

"A victory for Dean is a defeat for us. We must do all we can to hype his opponents or we go down in flames. And Wesley is the man!"

And all the while they're thinking, sighhhhhhhhhhhhh, if only Rep. Cowface Flipflop could be president.

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

FUMBLERS, BUMBLERS and INCOMPETENTS DO IT AGAIN:

Air France's groundings were a mistake
Report: Passenger matching suspected terrorist name was a child

AND THEY'LL KEEP ON DOING IT AGAIN UNTIL THEY GET IT RIGHT!!!!!

Posted 6:31 AM by Gene

Now the NEWS HACKS are trying to dump on President DAMN! by portraying him as -- a POLLUTER.

I smell a plot.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some clowns at the former French water works are planning a dirty-music channel.

Go for it! It's only our money.

OR:

"It was not our intention to cause offense to Muslims; as Mr. Hooper says, Islam is a religion of peace. Therefore we are withdrawing the video from our rotation, and offer our deepest apologies."

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

What's wrong with buying votes? Nothing, in the sordid twisted world of the Buttman Institute; after all, as this wonk says, when Republicans do it it can "save" us money! (Not that they've been saving us much money lately.) So it's a little disappointing to hear this glibertarian conclude that bribery might be illegal. They may have to reprogram you, guy. Better repeat The Glibertarian's Creed: IF IT MAKES MONEY, IT'S LEGAL.

Posted 2:19 PM by Gene

Here's why when people think of Philadelphia, if they ever think of Philadelphia, they conjure a fifth-rate ghetto populated by Frank Rizzos gorging themselves on cheesesteaks and Tastykakes: I've been trying to watch the Mummers Parade -- you know, the fat drunks with the parasols and the sequins, who play "Oh Dem Golden Slippers" in the string bands -- and I've given up. The "parade" consists of people standing around waiting for a signal to march, and there's a LOT of standing around; I'd rather be a panhandler. It starts at dawn and it ends at 9 p.m., the people still standing. Given that such logistical nightmares as the Tournament of Roses Parade and Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade run like clockwork in around three to four hours, there's no excuse for this. But that's Philly, the City with Attitude.

Posted 1:23 PM by Gene

Reuters has another tantrum:

Mad Cow-Hit U.S. Wants World to Buy Its Beef NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:20 PM by Gene

British Airways Cancels Flight to D.C.

Now who'll NewsMax blame for this one?

Posted 1:08 PM by Gene

GoogleBlogger has a hangover today.

Posted 1:07 PM by Gene

Some top Dems get U.S. campaign cash
5 Democratic candidates, LaRouche split $15 million

What's the difference between a Democratic presidential candidate and Lyndon LaRouche?

I know teach! Lyndon LaRouche went to JAIL!

Posted 12:52 PM by Gene

British spies warned of U.S. plans to invade Arab states

And knowing the incompetent Nixon, if he'd done it we'd be ruled by the Saudis today -- and Israel probably wouldn't exist.

Posted 12:47 PM by Gene

U.S. Prepares for Risky Iraq Troop Rotation

OOOOOOOOOH!!!!! Does "risky" mean something will -- go wrong? Does that mean another dose of -- QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Of course this is another non-story, but the news hacks will grasp at any straws.

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

I tried to think of something profound to say for my first entry of the new year, but I figured people wouldn't read it anyway.