Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

A puff piece, but we'll forgive it as it's a sad puff piece: it's about an actual performing big band playing before audiences smaller than itself. Maybe there's a reason: it does the artsy-craftsy stuff ("Well, it's sort of like in between Buddy Rich and something really modern"). There could be an audience for big-band, but we're so far removed from that music's height it's inconceivable how, and there are the unions, and the lack of good venues -- and what's more, with jazz dead, those who persist at it are musical archeologists excavating the same old fossils; we must include, I fear, these guys. One should pat these guys on the back for soldiering on, but you wonder if some gaggle of jazzsters with a little imagination, and few comely songbirds up front, and no fear of PLAYING FOR THE AUDIENCE -- or for DANCING -- mightn't do better.

P. S. This is from NIGHTLINE. We can guess what LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM's favorite music is: the BOSS -- and THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.

Posted 4:41 PM by Gene

ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS has stopped production of the ROAD KILL CANDY -- problem is, I suspect there'll be lots of stale "flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels, complete with tire treads" trading on EBAY for YEARS to come.

The JACKASSES have heard the news.

Hey MORONS! I wouldn't sit on that stale candy too long -- DICK GEPHARDT ISN'T SELLING.

Posted 4:22 PM by Gene

Well look who showed up at the Pope's bedside -- Mr. Law of Boston!

Are we sure that was such a good idea letting him in?

Posted 4:04 PM by Gene

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH:

An Indian teenager from one of the country's most backward states appears to have fooled governments, the media and even the president into believing he had topped the world in a NASA science exam.

In a country hungry for international recognition, 17-year-old Saurabh Singh was feted as a national hero after announcing he had won NASA's International Scientist Discovery examination, which he said he took at Oxford University.

The Uttar Pradesh state government rewarded him with a 500,000 rupee ($11,500) prize and more than 100 members of the state's upper house each donated a day's salary to him....

[His] certificate, a copy of which was obtained by Reuters, declared "You are the member of NASA" (sic) and is signed by Singh and "Chief of NASA, Cin K. Kif" -- NASA's former administrator was Sean O'Keefe. It also lists the name of Singh's father, common practice in Indian documents.

Well, he does have a future in PHISHING.

Posted 3:59 PM by Gene

Why I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV CVS:

1. At some stores you have to show PHOTO ID to use a CREDIT CARD; and

2. The cashier doesn't say "thank you" after completing the sale.

LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUV you, CVS!

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

Alas and alack, another LEGENDARY recording studio SHUTS down, made obsolete by home recording and no-tal -- CHANGES IN THE INDUSTRY.

Posted 12:31 PM by Gene

DAY MAIT MEE GUVFNOR, DEEDN'T DAY?

Posted 12:27 PM by Gene

Six Figures? Not Enough!

Should such a story REALLY appear in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD?

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

Egypt's Mubarak Calls for Democratic Election Reforms

Like a capo asking for election reforms for the next capo.

Let us not forget how this capo got into the league of heads of state -- through an assassination.

(Better hed: Mubarak orders election reform)

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

On our way to one big national fee collector Bank of America lost info on, oh, only 1.2 million customers.

Nice to know your big local fee collector can do something like that -- sort of like the federal government.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

I've devised a new means of discerning Toenail.com articles: read the one-sentence bio at the end. AS IN:

John Swansburg is a senior editor at Legal Affairs magazine.

ENOUGH ABOUT THE OSCARS®!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

We need heroes; an age is poorer without them. Real heroes do not trumpet their heroics to every NEWS HACK. But in the absence of truly honorable public figures all this age has are manufactured heroes, people who've grown popular with NEWS HACKS for no better reason than the itch of mutual backscratching, and they're always calling them CLASS ACTS as a kind of carny-mirror image of their own classlessness. How many times did they make vile odors proclaiming LEGENDARY WELCH a CLASS ACT? One imagines them calling MR. MEAN BUSINESS a CLASS ACT. Bad writers, bad musicians, bad doctors, bad politicans, bad CEOs (that's redundant), anyone can become a CLASS ACT if he's done something SEXY, once.

In no realm of society do we have more CLASS ACTS that in the ATTITUDE BIZ of SPORTS. The wizards of scribbling can take an essential nothing like MJ and make him irreplaceable as the universe. For years JOHN CHANEY was such an immortal; he had thousands of flacks proclaiming forever he was a CLASS ACT in professional college basketball, perhaps not the flattery the hacks intended it to be. While still a coach he had the FLOOR of his home court named for him -- a foolish presumption he was as good as the gift, but then foolishness and college reside in unholy matrimony. What this CLASS ACT did the other night was not very worthy of a CLASS ACT, but it fit in quite well in the fantasy world of Vitaledom, where jerks can do anything to win and have a human foghorn yell AWWWWWWWWWESOME, BABY, and soon after feign shock at the corruption. The only solace to this story is that it is highly unlikely anyone will ever call JOHN CHANEY a CLASS ACT again, but let us never underestimate the venality of SPORTS TYPISTS.

I have amended THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

Who says NRO can't fantasize?

Curtis Edmonds: Christo’s art is conservative. 02/25 9:55 a.m.

So what does that make Hilton Kramer? A COMMIE?

John Meroney: Howard Hughes was a determined anti-Communist. 02/25 3:14 p.m.

He was also a determined grower of fingernails and collector of bottles with his own bodily fluids.

Posted 2:25 PM by Gene

Speaking of STERNO, and SPIN, and TWXSTERS:

: MediaWeek reports on a survey of Stern fans to find out how many are planning to make the switch. 22 percent said they are definitely getting Sirius; 41 percent were still deciding. IF THOSE NUMBERS WORK OUT, THE DEAL WORKS WELL FOR SIRIUS AND STERN!!! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Unfortunately, Billboard's writer takes a slightly DIFFERENT look -- in the following graf:

When asked if they knew what it cost to subscribe to Sirius, almost half (49 percent) of the listeners weren't aware of the $12.99 fee, compared to 39 percent who were. When told that they would have to pay for hardware and a monthly subscription fee, only 7 percent said they would subscribe to Sirius, while 44 percent said they wouldn't. Half were undecided.

Congratulations, STERNO. You've done what I knew from the POWER LINE clowns most SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS had in them -- an ability to SPIN as fast and furiously as any NEWS HACK. You've also made me do what I've never done before: ACTIVELY MISTRUST A BLOGGER. I've been reading less and less of you market-leading morons for weeks; this only CINCHES it.

Posted 2:18 PM by Gene

Weeks after committing itself bravely and nobly to the cause of ADULT ENTERTAINMENT, a bankrupt pile of assets decides there is such a thing as BAD PUBLICITY after all.

GOD!!! STERNO!!!! GLIBERAL!!!!!

Posted 1:51 PM by Gene

ALTRIA MOTIVE FOODS, proud member of the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS, the same company that made LOUD NOISES about DECREASING the PORTIONS in its JUNK FOOD, makes "ROAD KILL" CANDY.

WILLFULL CORPORATE IGNORANCE MOVES TO A HIGHER ROAD -- er, PLANE!

Posted 10:50 AM by Gene

Great writers think alike.

MOVIES WILL NEVER GET BETTER SO LONG AS THE HACKS WHO TOADY AND RAVE UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER SCRIBBLE WITH JACKBOOTS ON.

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

I don't see ANY DIFFERENCE, GOD, between You and Your DEMAGOGUING and PATRIOTIC GORE and his DOUBLE-STANDARDS. You BOTH HATE THE PUBLIC.

ANOTHER ALTERNATIVE RAG. WHERE do you FIND these things, ROMY? In a DUMPSTER?

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Get Frank Rich on the Op-Ed page, or fire him.

Well put -- especially THE LATTER.

Even if I agree with Rich, which I do with alarming regularity....

See your doctor, Hans.

By the way -- what IS The Rake?

Oh. It's an ALTERNATIVE RAG. Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

Posted 9:05 AM by Gene

I'd like WALLSTREETJOURNALS.com to be free too, despite what its schizophrenia might do to my nerves -- but it won't happen, because Dow Jones bought Marketwatch to...why DID it buy Marketwatch?

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

Yesterday I quoted from a writer who accused the news biz of incompetence and invention in gushing over a suddenly favorite show-biz property. Today, sharing a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award with an aspiring typist named HART, a PROUD NEUHARTHIAN named MOORE alleges that $34 billion is spent annually in New York and California on film production. This is the sort of figment RENDELLS use to justify tax giveaways; in the end, WE TAXPAYERS pay for BAD MOVIES. Happily when the HACKS do the TOTAL NEUHARTH they can NEVER say anything BAD about SHOW-BIZ.

Such STENOGRAPHY explains why NEWSPAPERS ARE NO LONGER WORTH PAYING FOR.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

Pentagon reports fewer U.S. casualties

Okay HACKS, time for your BEST Yosemite Sam routine:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:34 AM by Gene

And speaking of THE PAPER OF RE-CORD, it's on the warpath today:

The operation seemed likely to intensify questions about John Paul II's ability to continue to lead the church.

So! The time has come to push the Pope right on outta there. I know! Let's appoint our own Pope: Andrew I -- as in Greeley! He'd be the first Pope to take his orders from a REAL God. By faith in THE PAPER OF RE-CORD are ye saved!

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

R. EMMETT goes into FULL GLIBERTARIAN MODE over VIDEO GAMES. He suggests we not ban the games but instead go after the "root causes" of juvenile psychopathy. Wait! Isn't this the same sort of con-SER-va-tive who made raucous fun of LIBERALS when they suggested we go after the ROOT CAUSES of TERRORISM because "terrorists are depraved on accounta they're deprived"? This is a thoroughly disingenous argument because R. knows the causes of violent youth crime are largely beyond our control; happily this gives us an excuse not to even "prune the branches."

Honestly R., between this and your REAGAN gags you CAN be annoying.

P. S. I know, I KNOW, R. didn't WRITE it, but as with THE PAPER OF RE-CORD I see no difference between the people who run the joint and those who write in its name.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

HUBRIS from the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER for the LITTLE GUY:

Though John Paul addresses the "Internet," the Latin word for blogging has not yet been invented.

I believe His Holiness has more pressing matters on his mind.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

As this press release happily fails to mention it wasn't too long ago that the former sex symbol and full-time political consultant Jessica Lange played Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Now she's AMANDA WINGFIELD. Just as I suspect she wasn't sexy enough for the former she may be TOO SEXY for the latter.

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Because they're both LOUDMOUTHS?

(A brief-as-possible glance at the last graf reveals this is typically TOENAIL.COM ironic -- meaning I'm right.)

Posted 3:31 PM by Gene

Speculation, to be sure, but the Pope may have pneumonia.

The world should brace itself for the coming of a whiff of white smoke.

Posted 3:15 PM by Gene

Have our reporters, editors and critics become so mathematically ignorant that a patently inflated figure like this no longer leaps out and demands authentication? Or have they become so accustomed to hearing the unvarnished truth from Hollywood flacks that they no longer bother to vet what they're told before shoveling it into print?

HOW ABOUT BOTH?

Posted 1:16 PM by Gene

WOULD HUNTER S. THOMPSON HAVE DONE THIS?

Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week's edition of The Chowchilla News than he'll ever need.

The 35-year-old Chowchilla resident went around town Wednesday morning and purchased every copy he could in an attempt to suppress news of his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession.

"I have a whole garage full of newspapers," he said.

And now THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHO YOU ARE -- thanks to ROMY.

Posted 1:09 PM by Gene

Who says the AAAAAAAAAAAATTITUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE BOYS OF B-BALL can't wend their way to NHL-style oblivion? The league puts down too many bucks? A LOCKOUT could take care of THAT. The TV AUDIENCE seems to be HELPING.

Posted 9:18 AM by Gene

And Krispy Kreme has played such successful tricks with ITS numbers the GUVMENT is now giving it even more of THE EYE.

Well, anything beats bugs in the doughnuts.

Posted 9:07 AM by Gene

SUMNER has taken an $18 BILLION CHARGE for GOODWILL, meaning even more than ever MEDIA COMPANIES ARE FULL OF FINANCIAL HOT AIR.

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

A musical GENIUS nicknamed HEAD is leaving heavy metal to make -- we shall presume -- CHRISTIAN metal.

Deaf people have never had it so good.

Posted 8:49 AM by Gene

Another professional college hoops team wants to build a Taj Mahal -- and Bill Walton comes to the rescue:

"What's wrong with Pauley? Nothing that good teams won't change. I've generally found that good players and good coaching guarantee a good atmosphere. There is no place on earth like Pauley Pavilion because of those championship banners. It's like the Boston Garden. Everybody complained about the old locker rooms and bathrooms, but everybody wanted to play at Boston Garden."

When Walton was reminded the old Garden is gone, razed to build a fancy, new place, Walton muttered, "And how many championships have the Celtics won in the new place?"

The answer is none.

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

A country that can tolerate a million abortions a year will tolerate thousands of dead in inner-city streets. That's the new American motto: Out of Sight, Out of Mind.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Speaking of ROMY:

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A MAN USING A FAKE NAME, WITH DUBIOUS JOURNALISM CREDENTIALS, WAS ABLE TO CLEAR THE WHITE HOUSE’S EXTENSIVE SECURITY SCREENING PROCESS AND GAIN SUCH CLOSE ACCESS TO YOU AND YOUR STAFF FOR SUCH AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME??? HAVE THERE BEEN OTHER, SIMILAR BREACHES OF SECURITY AND JOURNALISM STANDARDS????? WE APPRECIATE YOUR PROMPT ATTENTION TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER!!! WE URGE YOU TO ORDER A FULL INQUIRY SO THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW THE FACTS!!!!!

I think Dubya should order a full inquiry of Congress myself.

Love your reporting, SHTROOOOP. You quote FOUR DEMOCRATS and ZERO REPUBLICANS. That's FAIRNESS.

Posted 8:29 AM by Gene

Will ABC's Jennings look for Big Foot on his next special?

He has only to search his MOUTH.

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

An astonishing admission from deep within the bowels of RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S JUNK FACTORY:

There is...a powerful economic reason that movies aren't very good anymore: They don't have to be.

Edward Jay Epstein's book, sadly, sounds like a variation of BISKINDISM -- the SYSTEM is responsible, therefore NO ONE is responsible -- therefore MOVIES WILL CONTINUE TO STINK.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Maybe that ENTREPRENEUR should stick with -- er, AMERICAN football.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

As Playbill.com has no hot flashes on risible revivals, we turn to the new site The Book Standard, which has launched a weekly feature of movie deals that promises to be risible on its own account. For starters:

Hot off Gap ads and Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker will produce and star in the adaptation of Maria de los Santos’s Love Walked In, to be published by Dutton in December ’05. The story follows a 31-year-old café manager in Philadelphia who becomes attached to the 11-year-old daughter of her new beau. Paramount bought the rights in a pre-empt. Michael London and Parker will co-produce.

Reese Witherspoon is set to produce and star in Universal’s London Is the Best City in America—about a woman who dumps her fiancé and proceeds to work in a bait shop and produce a documentary about the wives of fishermen—to be adapted by Gwyn Lurie from Laura Dave’s novel. Mandalay Pictures and Type A’s Witherspoon & Jennifer Simpson will produce.

Matthew McConaughey and Penélope Cruz lead Ascendant Pictures’ adaptation of Joe Coomer’s novel The Loop, in which lonely highway patrolman McConaughey is inspired to search for his long-lost parents after meeting sexy librarian Cruz. (Cruz has also played a sexy nun, in Almodóvar’s 2002 All About My Mother.) S.R. Bindler will write and direct, and will be joined by producers McConaughey, Mark Gustawes, Bruce Heller, David Koplan, Gus Gustawes and Chris Roberts.

In short: ANOTHER argument for aliteracy.

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

As THE NEW YORKER would have said before it became THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST MAGAZINE, "THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND":

WRITTEN MINISTERIAL STATEMENT

Department for Constitutional Affairs

The Marriage between HRH The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles

The Lord Chancellor:

"In the light of recent interest in the law surrounding Royal marriages, I am making this statement to set out in more detail the view that has been taken by the Government on the lawfulness of the proposed marriage between the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles.

"The Government is satisfied that it is lawful for the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, like anyone else, to marry by a civil ceremony in accordance with Part III of the Marriage Act 1949.

"Civil marriages were introduced in England by the Marriage Act 1836. Section 45 said that the Act:

'… shall not extend to the marriage of any of the Royal Family'.

"But the provisions on civil marriage in the 1836 Act were repealed by the Marriage Act 1949. All remaining parts of the 1836 Act, including section 45, were repealed by the Registration Service Act 1953. No part of the 1836 Act therefore remains on the statute book.

"The Marriage Act 1949 re-enacted and re-stated the law on marriage in England and Wales. The Act covered both marriage by Church of England rite, and civil marriage. It did not repeat the language of section 45 of the 1836 Act. Instead, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act says that:

'Nothing in this Act shall affect any law or custom relating to the marriage of members of the Royal Family.'

"The change of wording is important, and the significance is not undermined by the fact that the 1949 Act is described as a consolidation Act. The interpretation of any Act of Parliament, even when it consolidates previous legislation, must be based on the words used in the Act itself, not different words used in the previous legislation.


"In our view, section 79(5) of the 1949 Act preserves ancient procedures applying to Royal marriages, for example the availability of customary forms of marriage and registration. It also preserves the effect of the Royal Marriages Act 1772, which requires the Sovereign's consent for certain marriages. But it does not have the effect of excluding Royal marriages from the scope of Part III, which provides for civil ceremonies. As the heading to section 79 indicates ("Repeals and savings") it is a saving, not an exclusion.

"We are aware that different views have been taken in the past; but we consider that these were over-cautious, and we are clear that the interpretation I have set out in this statement is correct. We also note that the Human Rights Act has since 2000 required legislation to be interpreted wherever possible in a way that is compatible with the right to marry (article 12) and with the right to enjoy that right without discrimination (article 14). This, in our view, puts the modern meaning of the 1949 Act beyond doubt."

Posted 11:37 AM by Gene

Why is it that the prime aim of European foreign policy is to stick it to US?

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

Hell NO! If we have to we'll build our OWN missile defense!

EH?

Hey PAUL! Maybe you can use all those unemployed GOONS.

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

NHL SEASON CANCELLATION COSTS $400 MILLION IN AD REVENUE

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, all that money that won't go into LUXURY BOXES -- and the wallets of GOONS.

Posted 11:03 AM by Gene

Jumping up and down with GLEE at SLASHDOT:

jflint writes "Here is a site with over 80 screenshots (claiming more to come) that shows the story line of the upcoming Star Wars Episode 3. Some of the screenshots have French subtitles in them." These shots -- especially the space battle scenes -- certainly make it look more worthwhile than the two prior episodes.

GEORGE!! GET OUT THE IPO!!!!!

Posted 10:59 AM by Gene

Is GONZO turning into the JOHNNY CARSON of JERNALISM -- someone THE NEWS HACKS WON'T ALLOW TO DIE?

Jon Friedman has quickly established himself as the Mr. CW of Media News. Here's betting he winds up at BLUNDER -- or USAOKAY!!!!!

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

THE LORD GOD PINCH HUFFS:

On the charge of liberal bias, Sulzberger laughed.

"I hear more complaints that the newspaper is in the pocket of the Bush administration than that it is too liberal," he said.

Maybe You should stop having stroke-feigning contests with THE GLIBERAL.

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

Whenever a story's subheded "Special to..." or "For," alarm bells ring and warning lights flash. It is usually the work of a freeloader -- freeLANCER looking for work, but not any work; it must be work in which he can be somebody's FRIEND, a big and famous or powerful person's FRIEND, therefore making him the reader's ENEMY.

Hugh Hart, you're this week's winner of the NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD.

Well whadya know -- the toady has HIS OWN WEB SITE -- ON-LINE RESUME -- AND CV! Looks like he's more than ready to NEUHARTH BIG TIME!

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

Lou Dobbs is mad as hell.

OoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooh, does that mean the next time a CEO's on his show he MAY ask a TOUGH QUESTION?

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

We must be careful, OMERTA, when we accuse relatives of public figures of WAR PROFITEERING; after all, you SCRIBBLERS don't exactly STRUGGLE to MAKE ENDS MEET, especially in those disciplines that demand TOADYING.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, the Queen is snubbing the Prince's wedding. What shall he do?

Go on as usual, being the once-and-future prince -- er, the future KING.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Fatuous sales -- ANALYSTS have long likened HP's printer biz to P&G's new razor biz -- it makes money off the sucke -- blades. Given this (and given the late, great CARLY) the idea that HP would program a secret mandatory expiration date into its printer cartridges does not surprise me.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Liberals and news hacks will BOOOOOOOOOOO and HISSSSSSSSSSSSS at the Republicans' largesse, but having all the money in the world means nothing if you don't have good candidates -- and especially if you waste it (as political parties will) on ANNOYING ADS.

That John Kerry nearly beat Dubya is proof enough.

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

Those concerned that turning Toenail.com's keys from the Master of 26 Universes to a mere God would reduce its blather quotient need not have worried: St. Warren's new cherubim seem intent on being more gaseous than ever.

Posted 1:21 PM by Gene

This year's OSCARS® may bomb with the audience, but at least they'll be SOCIALLY AWARE.

If you want to send a message, use THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.

Posted 12:23 PM by Gene

In answer to a question about presidential speechwriters, Alterman revealed he once wrote a speech for President Bill Clinton -- a one-minute talk for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. "I did it because I wanted Bill Clinton to refer to Bruce Springsteen as 'The Man.' And he did, I got Bill Clinton to call Bruce Springsteen 'The Man.'"

Flacks will be flacks.

Posted 11:50 AM by Gene

Survey sez: Barely half of parents care if kids try pot

Why should they? They don't seem to care about anything else.

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

Europe doesn't have to worry about religion. The HOLY COCKROACHES have PLENTY of it.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

Chris Rock wants to clarify what he meant when he said straight men don't watch the Oscars. "I did not say that. I said only gay people watch the Tonys," he joked Monday during an appearance on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno."

TRANSLATION: IT'S STILL FIVE ARTHOUSE DOGS -- AND YOU'LL STILL GET RECORD LOW RATINGS.

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

"It really hit home this past year that viewers in America are changing quite a bit — what they want to see is different, and that's been a problem with our show," pageant president/CEO Art McMaster told The Post yesterday.

"We were live on a Saturday night, and in the first 15 minutes, 42 of the contestants exited stage left," McMaster said. "That doesn't really help us when America wants to get to know everyone.

"That's what it's really all about — getting to know the ladies more than just the 10 final contestants," he said. "We have to show their backgrounds, their strengths, their fears and ambitions, so there's a connection between the TV set and America.

"We want to move into the reality world and have four to six lead-in shows to get to know the contestants.

"But that's definitely up to the networks. We've thrown it out to them that we're interested."

TRANSLATION: WHERE'S THE CYANIDE?????

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Hunter demanded his ashes be shot out of a cannon.

I think there was a reason G.B. made you a CARTOON CHARACTER, Hunt.

Meantime NEWS HACKS are doing AN AWFUL LOT OF MOURNING for ONE OF THEIR OWN, but if they didn't they wouldn't be NEWS HACKS.

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

JONAH (!!!!!) SAYS:

I think it's time to remind some people that bloggers aren't a race or a religion....[I]t increasingly seems that bloggers, as a group, don't like criticism period.

I think STERNO ought to demand a ten-percent tithe myself.

Posted 6:53 AM by Gene

Prepaid cards that unlock one of the raunchiest X-rated sites on the Internet are being peddled by bodegas and newsstands across the city - even to underage kids, the Daily News has learned.

Hey, that's how the PORNMEISTERS get their AUDIENCE.

A good thing, right GLIBERAL?

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

The fool druggie hack Hunter S. Thompson killed himself because CONSERVATISM was "SWEEPING THE COUNTRY."

Possibly this was an excuse for what this story describes as his myriad health problems; but we've been told this by a "foreign editor" of National Public TalkRadio (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP), so it must count as definitive.

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

Is the Eczema Beast any relation to Mr. Toenail?

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

The idea of putting Ray Charles on the $10 bill isn't really that much stupider than the R. EMMETT-approved ideas of putting Reagan on the ten, or Reagan on the dime, or (for that matter) Reagan on MT. RUSHMORE. Indeed, as you say Pat, someday we may be able to print our own currency legally, putting any face we want to on the smackeroos. By that time, of course, it truly will be funny money.

Posted 8:00 PM by Gene

Neither Kyoto nor all the treaties in the world will mean a thing so long as the politically correct countries of the world -- er, DEVELOP.

Posted 7:55 PM by Gene

TV muzak is clearly the tsunami of the future in retailing, and surely for many customers about as welcome as one; but at least it offers THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS an excuse not to finance JUNK TELEVISION -- as if.

Now here's the $64,000 question: will the captive audience pay heed to the commercials? I wonder.

Posted 2:37 PM by Gene

Another supremely annoying story -- but this one has a happy ending:

Nevertheless, the episode did not produce winning ratings for the Fox series, as it came in a distant fourth in the Nielsens with a 5.8/9. ABC won the 8:00 p.m. hour with a 10.3/16 for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

The problem with publicity stunts like this is that no matter how hard you try to avoid them, they pop up in your face. And there are many times when it seems the news is full of nothing but such publicity stunts. In the end, as with other acts of table pounding, the public can be trusted to know better, even if their media superiors do not.

Posted 12:28 PM by Gene

Please, pretty please -- one good lockout deserves another, and the PRIMA DONNAS OF AAAAAAAAAAAAATTITUUUUUUUUUUUDE as richly deserve a lockout as they are rich. Please, PLEASE!

Posted 10:20 AM by Gene

Was I the only person who, upon learning of Sandra Dee's death, scratched his head and exclaimed, "Who?" All I knew of her was as some sort of teen idol and the punchline in a song from the immortal Grease. Even seeing her in still pictures she didn't ring a bell. In that sense she was a precursor of this MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT, a cute but unmemorable face who, by dint of luck or trends, became what the flacks at USAOKAY!!!!! must call a "star." This is one reason, of course, why MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!

Posted 10:15 AM by Gene

John Raitt was more than (as the dutiful indifferent moronic TWXSTERS must refer to him) BONNIE'S FATHER; he was at the center of, in many ways the personification of the Rodgers and Hammerstein era, a virile leading man with a strong memorable baritone. Yes, there was a time when Broadway not only turned out masterworks, but the men and women to perform them. Raitt, Alfred Drake, Mary Martin, Barbara Cook -- it all seems like eons ago, which it was, an era as hopelessly gone as the stupors of Hunter Thompson's drug-befuddled mind. But high-schools still do Carousel, while it is quite unlikely that in time Thompson's works will stir other than historians.

Posted 10:11 AM by Gene

It is surprising Hunter S. Thompson did not succumb to his demons long before his suicide. All I can imagine with him is a left-wing Tom Wolfe on drugs who didn't write novels nor wore white suits. But such was his age; while other times left Shakespeares, his left phrasemakers. RIP.

Posted 12:51 PM by Gene

HOWARD's issued His official denial. Okay Howard, maybe it wasn't insider trading, but You boasted how You launched SIXTY MINUTES II, and You've boasted of Your palsy-walsy with ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, so please forgive me if I'm just a little, well, skeptical.

As for this something called, uh, "BuzzMachine" -- I don't know why Howard has to use an assumed identity.

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

My last comment for today on SNL:

In "Of Thee I Sing," I believe that we discover the happiest and most successful native music-stage lampoon that has thus far come the way of the American theatre.

--The critic and editor George Jean Nathan, in a foreword to the first printed edition of the work.

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(Wintergreen looks out the window, through which is visible the panorama of Washington, with Washington's Monument prominent in the foreground)

WINTERGREEN: What a country -- what a country! Jenkins, what monument is that?

JENKINS: Grant's Tomb.

WINTERGREEN: Oh, yes. Well, what's on the schedule this morning? Ah, here we are! (Takes up some letters) Tell the Secretary of the Navy to scrap two battleships.

JENKINS: What?

WINTERGREEN: Scrap two and build four. Disarmament.

JENKINS: Yes, sir.

WINTERGREEN: Cablegram to the President of San Domingo: "Congratulations on beginning your second day in office. That's five I owe you, and will bet you double or nothing on tomorrow."

JENKINS: Yes, sir.

WINTERGREEN: Tell the Secretary of War to stand ready to collect that bet.

JENKINS: Yes, sir.

WINTERGREEN: Letter to the Friars' Club, 48th St., New York City. "Dear Brother Friars: Regret very much I cannot take part in this year's minstrel show. Owing to conditions in the South, I do not think it would be wise for me to black up." (Looks through the pile of letters) I get the lousiest mail for a President!

--Dialogue from Of Thee I Sing, the first musical to win the P-Ulitzer Prize in Drama. (George Gershwin, who wrote the only good [a VERY good] thing about this show [ditto his brother Ira], did not win a prize, in no small part because the P-Ulitzer judges were tone-deaf.)

Walter Duranty DID win a P-Ulitzer that year, for Fiction -- Correspondence.

(The above excerpts are from the Library of America's Kaufman & Co.)

P. S. from THE MASTER:

Our tastes greatly alter. The lad does not care for the child's rattle, and the old man does not care for the young man's whore.

The nice thing about being in the NEWS BIZ is you never have to GROW UP.

Posted 11:24 AM by Gene

CNN PLANS SHAKEUP AT HEADLINE

The seventh such shakeup in the last three years.

But who's counting?

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

St. Warren has found another excuse for the news biz' malaise: it's "lifestyles so cram-packed they leave little time for the daily paper."

It probably has nothing to do with having to pay for writers sounding as though they're cribbing off their fellow writers. (He uses the word "hip" too!)

And remember -- IT DEFINITELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BIAS.

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

All is not right in this world. A man uses the words DANGEROUS, COOL and HIP in an AD BLURB, and he's still just a TV WRITER?????

Back to the NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

Admit it, when you watch Alycia Lane deliver the evening news on Channel 3, you're not thinking about her intellect.

It doesn't cross your mind that she holds a master's degree from one of the top journalism schools in the nation.

Having a MASTERS in JERNALISM is evidence of BRAINS?

Posted 9:18 AM by Gene

Another question from THE PAPER OF RE-CORD that answers itself:

When the Readers Speak Out, Can Anyone Hear Them?

The answer, of course, is a resounding NO. To be sure this applies to the whole NEWS BIZ, which has taken such great pride in dismissing the peasants with an arrogant wave of the hand and a thumbing of the nose, and now reaps the rewards for it; but if THE PAPER OF RE-CORD can't hear the complaints even after L'AFFAIRE BLAIR, will it ever hear them? That we are dealing with INSTITUTIONAL DEAFNESS was revealed when THE PAPER OF RE-CORD COMPANY bought the junk property ABOUT.COM for no better reason than that Dow Jones overpaid for a piece of bird droppings in MARKETWATCH. If Pinch is unwilling to listen to the skeptics among His SHAREHOLDERS, why should He listen to MERE READERS?

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

The test of a knee-jerk hermetically-sealed demagogue like THE GLIBERAL is to get him to talk of WOODSTER the PERV. Among the first words out of his mouth would be some variation of JUDGMENTAL (although quite possibly the word wouldn't come up because GLIB knows it has a smell among some readers) and PRUDE. Well, Mia Farrow's back in the news, and she reminds us that those who looked slightly the other way at the WOODSTER had something more than PRUDERY in mind.

One other mode of defense might be for THE GLIBERAL to say, "What are Mia's motives?" That's easily answered: What were the WOODSTER's motives in buggering his adopted daughter?

P. S. This story reminds us that for many years because of villains like the WOODSTER, and HOWARD, and THE DONALD, and GEORGE, and the MIDTOWN MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, we held New York in unbridled scorn. Then came 9/11. We should never forget that obscenity; but now, perhaps, the time has come to hold New York in its former scorn again.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

As we saw from last week, we cannot turn to Mr. Mark's RAG without expecting him to play mind games on his readers. Not wanting to read it, we still cannot help wondering how he can work a seemingly uncontroversial issue as autism to his advantage. (Probably he's gotten a PC take on ABORTION into it, somehow.) Happily there are other tricks we can play on our readers -- we can call Larry Summers (or as one of Mr. Mark's drones must call him on the home page and the story subhed, Larry Summer) "heavy-handed" without asking on whom he's laying the heavy hand...and we can do what we do best, get our top-flight press agent Devin to annoy the living bejesus (pardon, bewarren) out of our readers with a "hilarious" sales pitch. Who needs God on Sunday mornings when you have THE GOSPEL OF MR. MARK?

Really, if medical researchers want to do something, they could do worse -- far worse -- than study the brains of BLUNDER'S STAFF. It might not cure AUTISM, but it could hold the key to a cure to MASS STUPIDITY.