Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

For my first permalink I am introducing (drum roll, please):

THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.

These are the code words and phrases (and misspellings) that the hacks never stop using, that can act like novocain on your mind or a dentist's drill on your nerves, a secret of the hacks' invincible power, words they would not stop using if H. W. Fowler and E. B. White came down from the heavens to scold them, words whose very usage means the writer is engaged in salesmanship or dishonesty, or both. I've given some of the definitions before -- too many times before -- but they're worth repeating, as God knows the hacks will keep repeating the words.

HISTORIC: 1. An event that may never have happened before, but since we're too lazy to look these things up we'll automatically assume it's the first time. 2. Good (when applied to politically-correct groups only). 3. THANK GOD FOR MY PRESS PASS!!!!! (see CLASSIC [2].)

HISTORY: 1. The last hundred years. (Usually applied to stories alleging climate change.) 2. As far back as we can get away with hyperbole. (Usually applied to stories touting movie box office.)

ALL-TIME: Something involving dollars that isn't adjusted for inflation. See HISTORY [2].

RECORD: See ALL-TIME and HISTORY [2].

LEGENDARY: 1. Somebody who's been around a long time whom we like. 2. Somebody who's been around long time who's getting rewarded for having been around a long time. 3. In business, a long-running monster whose every utterance is a pink slip (i.e., LEGENDARY Welch). (But see LEGENDARY GENIUS [2] for an exception.)

ICON: 1. Someone who came out of nowhere, who deserves to go back to nowhere, who's lasted more than his allotted fifteen minutes of fame.

ICONIC: A movie or TV show or rock band we REALLY like.

REIMAGINED: The same old wine in the same new bottles.

LEGACY: Extending someone's fifteen minutes of fame to thirty.

CLASS ACT: A bad guy with good press. (Usually typed by SPORTS HACKS to describe the ATTITUDINAL flavor of the month.)

MAJOR: 1. Minor. 2. Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.

HIP: 1. Something bad (usually pop-cultural) done by young people, and embraced by aging boomer news hacks to show they're with-it. 2. See HOT (3).

COOL: See HIP.

QUIRKY: A pop-culture artifact that makes no sense and would cause offense to many, but because we're in the news biz, and our favorite pastime is sticking it in our readers' eyes, that means we REALLY like it.

EDGY: Similar to quirky, but more likely to have an ATTITUDE, and that means the news hacks are even more apt to like it.

DARK: Similar to edgy, except (in the case of a movie) photographed in the dark, or (in the case of a song) sung in a minor key and full of ATTITUDE.

SUBVERSIVE: Similar to "edgy" only it REALLY sticks it to conservatives.

DANGEROUS: See SUBVERSIVE.

CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED: We like it. Often used when someone else doesn't like it (see also CONTROVERSIAL, CONSERVATIVE).

LANDMARK: 1. See CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. 2. See HISTORIC (2).

MILESTONE: 1. See LANDMARK. 2. See GRIM, with which this word is used when describing auto-accident fatalities, or when we're at war.

BUZZ: The usual gang of idiots REALLY likes it and is preparing to plug the living daylights out of it.

MODERATE: 1. A liberal.

CENTRIST: Same as MODERATE, but usually applied to someone who's just right of PROGRESSIVE.

PROGRESSIVE: An off-the-chart liberal who doesn't sound so bad.

BIPARTISAN: 1. A liberal we can hide behind. 2. An incompetent Republican.

CONSERVATIVE: A Nazi. Can be interchangeably used with Roman Catholics, Iranian mullahs, or Tom DeLay.

NEO-CONSERVATIVE: Some Jew at a think tank who got us into a lousy war.

NAZI: An Israeli, or George W. Bush.

HARD-LINER: See CONSERVATIVE.

MODERATE MUSLIM: An Islamist.

MILITANT: A terrorist in sheep's clothing.

SOURCE: Someone a news hack cites when he wishes to express an opinion.

FORMER: A credited SOURCE who's flattered to think he's in the loop.

RETIRED: See FORMER.

FAIRNESS: 1. Tilting the tables to favor PC special interests. 2. The veneer of impartiality news hacks apply to stories to make them seem less partisan.

OBJECTIVITY: See FAIRNESS (2).

PARTISAN: Conservative.

JOURNALIST: A news hack with pretensions.

DIVERSITY: Total political conformity.

CONTROVERSIAL: 1. We like it, but the public doesn't. 2. The wrong thing happened, but we try to spin the story so that people will think it was the right thing (i.e., the OJ verdict). 3. Meretricious. (And NO hacks, it does NOT mean "meritorious.")

TRAGEDY: 1. Something bad that happens to private citizens that you have to work up a pretense of compassion over lest people think you a cold-blooded hard-hearted thoroughly cynical misanthrope. 2. See GRIM. 3. See DISASTER.

GRIM: Something bad happens to the good guys, and news hacks are happy.

BLEAK: See GRIM.

DEFEAT, usually preceded with MAJOR: Our side wins.

HOT: 1. Cold soon enough. 2. Something that should never have been heated up. 3. Someone's pickpocketing for realtors.

STEAMY: An actress with pancake breasts takes her clothes off.

RIGHT: A crime. Applied to graffiti, panhandling, very public mental illness, or anything committed by a member of a PC group.

GENIUS: 1. An extremely popular no-talent. Usually applied to rappers, as they share our artistic ambitions and immortality. 2. Obscenely rich. 3. A CEO wasting vast sums on hubris (see also SYNERGY). 4. A CEO with very good luck.

LEGENDARY GENIUS: Bob Dylan (see GENIUS [1]) or Warren Buffett (see GENIUS [2]).

COURAGE: Treason we like.

CONSCIENCE: THE ENEMY sees the light.

TABOO: The Comstocks don't want you to have a good time.

BUFFET: The correct spelling of Warren Buffett's last name.

MINELLI: The correct spelling of Liza Minnelli's last name.

DISINTERESTED: Uninterested.

ACTOR: An actor of either sex.

CULT: 1. An acquired taste very few people acquire, but as the very few people are a tightly-knit group including news hacks, that makes their taste VERY good. (See also, "People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." [Abraham Lincoln.]) 2. A sewer smell that news hacks and publicists turn into Airwick.

RENAISSANCE: Upscale bars emerge in a seedy part of town, frequented by people like us who drink.

SYNERGY: In the media business, annoying people to death for a profit.

CLASSIC: 1. Something pop-cultural we REALLY like that's been around for a LONG TIME -- like twenty years. 2. A blowout until the last five minutes, when the other team rallies for victory. 3. A new pop culture artifact we REALLY like (usually applied with INSTANT).

INFAMY: Something that causes your team to lose, especially in the Super Bowl/NBA finals/World Series/Stanley Cup finals, etc.

PATRIOTISM: Loving your country ironically.

CLOSURE: Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup for the soul.

HEALING: See CLOSURE.

RESPECTED: We like its politics.

ESTEEMED: We like his politics.

TOLERANCE: Forcing our political enemies to think like us -- preferably in the print equivalent of a reeducation camp. (See DIVERSITY; see also Tom Lehrer, "National Brotherhood Week.")

INNOCENCE: Something that happened a LONG TIME AGO that we don't remember.

DISASTER: 9/11.