THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, August 16, 2003
This should be fun: A reporter for the Beeb's going to sue BLUNDER for its story claiming the august news service scotched an al-Qaida investigation.
How do you root between villains?
How do you root between villains?
3000 dead in France from the heat -- but the wine will be perfect.
"'If you want me to try to your (media) products, then you should pay me.'" [Emphasis added.]
AMEN to that.
AMEN to that.
A JACK masterpiece about skateboarding emerged from the theaters in a body cast. Did it ever occur to The Conspiracy that skateboarders probably won't show for a movie on their own because they don't have any money?
Whatever happened to Tiger Woods®?
Who is St. Warren of Buffett more like: The Great and Powerful Oz, or HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey?
St. Warren of Buffett says Californians pay too little in property taxes.
Okay, St. Warren, since Ah-NULT has made you an honorary Californian, why don't you chip in?
Meantime THE POWERFUL CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE RULES COMMITTEE makes some phone calls and discovers he isn't that powerful.
The nice thing about the California recall is that everyone is making an ass of himself.
Okay, St. Warren, since Ah-NULT has made you an honorary Californian, why don't you chip in?
Meantime THE POWERFUL CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE RULES COMMITTEE makes some phone calls and discovers he isn't that powerful.
The nice thing about the California recall is that everyone is making an ass of himself.
Baylor's ex-coach took a page from Lefty Driesell's playbook -- only this guy told his players to talk to the police.
Lying isn't everything -- it's the only thing.
Lying isn't everything -- it's the only thing.
Several weeks after lgf announced it, Idi Amin finally kicks the bucket in that Saudi hospital.
May he shine shoes for Hitler and Stalin forever.
May he shine shoes for Hitler and Stalin forever.
Friday, August 15, 2003
A low-level food-fight: Kinsley.com's partisan crank Timothy Noah's on Ah-NULT's backside for not fully renouncing his praise of Kurt Waldheim, and Professor coproduction Roger L. Simon calls Noah a "troll."
As Vir-GIN-ia said, "Could we now go back to talking about something more interesting?"
As Vir-GIN-ia said, "Could we now go back to talking about something more interesting?"
I'll say it again: If ASWIA ever comes to its senses and decides to move its money out of increasingly bad and anti-social network TV and into targeted value-added Web advertising we'll hear less talk of paid content.
Slasher pictures are another pleasant diversion for which news hacks bear some responsibility. Even before he discovered the joys of infinite wealth at Disney praising nearly all movies (but especially his employer's) I recall how the late Gene "He Lived in an $8.25 Million Co-Op" Siskel distinguished between "good" slasher movies and "bad" slasher movies. The bad slasher movies, he opined, were the ones where women got killed. We now know where Roger "All Thumbs" Ebert got his compassion for the underprivileged Mumia Jamal. The more these idiots talked up certain movies once, like gross-out comedies, the more they're talking them down now -- to cover their odiferous tracks.
And Rob Lowe has signed up!
The next thing you know we'll hear Dick Clark's the campaign manager. Is he a Democrat?
The next thing you know we'll hear Dick Clark's the campaign manager. Is he a Democrat?
Now Ah-NULT has signed George Shultz. At first I thought he thought he had a foreign policy. Or maybe it was the tiger on his tail.
Blogging is talking to yourself at the water cooler.
Somebody gets arrested for blowing up infidels. Had he been chosen he could have gotten 72 Helen Thomases.
In this regional blackout the real test of news hacks will be if they can inspire riots. Thus far there have been none, and with power slowly returning to the afflicted region the prospect seems ever less likely. But panics are third only to fiction and advertising on the list of the news biz' leading products, so we must keep the wary eye open.
The Professor was in full news-gathering mode last night!
Just one problem: what good is blogging when the lights are out?
Just one problem: what good is blogging when the lights are out?
$1 million a year -- and "Duhhhhhh" Jesse isn't ready for prime time?!?
LIT-tle JEFFFFFFFF-rey! Time to do some WELCHING!
LIT-tle JEFFFFFFFF-rey! Time to do some WELCHING!
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Jack Shafer of Kinsley.com is having a field day with anecdotal reporting writ large. In defense of news hacks (!!) I'll say just because the reporting is superficial (as it almost always is) doesn't mean the trends aren't real -- and Kinsley.com is often the waterbug of Web news itself. (And no, no pun intended.)
The T word must inevitably come up with a story like this, but as this appears not to be T-word related, one must ask, does our nation's electrical supply have enough redundancy?
I hope the cable news hacks aren't trying to inspire a national panic, which would be their usual MO. The only good thing is, most of their target audience won't see it.
I hope the cable news hacks aren't trying to inspire a national panic, which would be their usual MO. The only good thing is, most of their target audience won't see it.
No matters what happens to the bloated International Obscure Sports Festival and Paid CEO Vacation Jaunt, it will never go out of business so long as it's owned by GE Bancorp.
News hacks in St. Paul are excited that 16,000 people attended the local Nitwits Nudism and Navel-Staring Festival. (I've been to ArtsJournal.com again grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!) WELL, 16,000 people is the equivalent to TEN sellouts on Broadway, and forty-thousand admissions wouldn't fill two days' worth of screenings at a gigaplex. But because Ed Rendell and the news hacks are enamored over such artistic onanism, we're stuck with it -- until somebody points out these naked theatre emperors are wearing threadbare clothes.
The clowns of professional college sport, whose bosses raise tuition by the double-digits every year, can moan about increasing "expenses" until Astroturf freezes over, but when your football team turns a nearly $22 million profit on over $28 million in revenues I say you're doing pretty good on the indentured servants.
When will professional college athletes demand profit sharing?
When will professional college athletes demand profit sharing?
Popular culture is awash with irresistible rats
And unpopular news hackery is awash with resistible dolts.
Has Trib Hartford Edition thought of selling space to writers instead?
And unpopular news hackery is awash with resistible dolts.
Has Trib Hartford Edition thought of selling space to writers instead?
Now EisnerCorp Network News is saying the missile sting wasn't much, which shouldn't surprise me either.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
A New York Times reporter and photographer, following up on a story about lost boaters at Kennedy International Airport, were themselves picked up by police Wednesday.
I guess the security works now.
I guess the security works now.
I suppose we should be charitable and hope it works, but this Lockerbie deal sounds like one big potential if-and-and-but, with Libya being the only real winner. In short, something GENERAL will take endless credit for.
Do the British betting houses make odds on things like how long the syphilitic Moammar keeeps his word?
Do the British betting houses make odds on things like how long the syphilitic Moammar keeeps his word?
Ah-NULT has hired St. Warren of Buffett.
He bought and held and bought and held. Why does that qualify him to know anything?
He bought and held and bought and held. Why does that qualify him to know anything?
If a conservative acts like a conservative, liberals make fun of him. If a conservative acts like a liberal, liberals make fun of him (especially in stories with asterisks*).
Whenever Kinsley.com runs something like this, Michael smirks.
Whenever Kinsley.com runs something like this, Michael smirks.
I see ESpeed, the electronic bond trader, is near a year-long high. This would interest few outside Wall Street but that ESpeed is a division of Cantor Fitzgerald, the old-line trading house nearly destroyed in the World Trade Center. That this firm could come back after such a catastrophe should hearten all of us.
Sorry, Osama, you lost.
Sorry, Osama, you lost.
Saudi Arabia relies greatly on its population of 6 million expatriate workers, including about 35,000 Americans and about 30,000 Britons, in its communications, power, technology, banking and other sectors. The kingdom counts on many U.S. experts for its oil industry.
What if they all got out of there?
What if they all got out of there?
I never really thought a la carte would have much sway in cable, given its logistical challenges and the -- SYNERGY. But now the word's being bandied about a little more. I know this: if a la carte becomes the cable menu of choice a lot of channels might go down the drain. For our national sanity, that would be a good thing.
I see Rush has been backpedaling on his Ah-NULT business. You'd think making a billion a year he'd realize he can say anything he wants. Heck, most talk-show hosts usually do anyway.
What's the word I'm looking for -- disingenuous?
What's the word I'm looking for -- disingenuous?
Hype blamed in box office bombs! [sic]
That's another way of saying, news hacks buttering up their connections and looking for work are to blame for box-office bombs.
That's another way of saying, news hacks buttering up their connections and looking for work are to blame for box-office bombs.
Speaking of predictions, so much for all those who said Slick would stay away from the Typhoid Mary of politics.
One thing is clear: This race will be fought in the sewer.
One thing is clear: This race will be fought in the sewer.
Less than a week and Ah-NULT -- or rather, his wife -- is shuffling the campaign team.
Looks like my two other predictions are slowly coming to pass.
Looks like my two other predictions are slowly coming to pass.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Christopher Hitchens makes some valid points against Daniel Pipes, but is blunted by the medium -- the always snarky Kinsley.com.
lgf must be having a football.
UPDATE: Looks like I was wrong about lgf. As I learned through him, Dubya's appointing Daniel Pipes through the backdoor.
lgf must be having a football.
UPDATE: Looks like I was wrong about lgf. As I learned through him, Dubya's appointing Daniel Pipes through the backdoor.
I sat at my desk all day because of this worm -- and my computer wasn't even infected.
Oh well, I work for GOV-ment.
P. S. My computer at work has Windows NT. My computer at home as Windows ME. So much for upgrades.
Oh well, I work for GOV-ment.
P. S. My computer at work has Windows NT. My computer at home as Windows ME. So much for upgrades.
"My immediate reaction was `YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!'" [UnTimesian overemphasis added.]
I think Jessica "Rife" Reif Cohen's about to POUND THE TABLE!!!!!
I think Jessica "Rife" Reif Cohen's about to POUND THE TABLE!!!!!
It's close to official -- the blunderbuss Big Five of Music are about to become the Big Four -- ALL foreign-owned.
How do you like THAT competition, Robert J.?
By the way, Robert J., this is the THIRD time Warner Music has attempted a merger -- first with PolyGram, then with EMI. THAT'S COMPETITION!!!!!!
How do you like THAT competition, Robert J.?
By the way, Robert J., this is the THIRD time Warner Music has attempted a merger -- first with PolyGram, then with EMI. THAT'S COMPETITION!!!!!!
That's what you get for having the bones in your thumbs fused UP: Gene Siskel's widow is asking $8.25 million for their co-op apartment.
Who says flattery doesn't pay?
Who says flattery doesn't pay?
WORST MAY BE AHEAD IN BASRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll give credit to the Professor: as he says, between Ah-NULT and Kobe, the idiot hacks might forget all about QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- sort of. (I don't give news hacks that much credit for forgetfulness.) He's also coined a new term -- "Sept. 10 mode." That's what the hacks have been in since the war ended.
I'll give credit to the Professor: as he says, between Ah-NULT and Kobe, the idiot hacks might forget all about QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- sort of. (I don't give news hacks that much credit for forgetfulness.) He's also coined a new term -- "Sept. 10 mode." That's what the hacks have been in since the war ended.
Monday, August 11, 2003
"If you look at journalism from a standpoint of helping to inform citizens in a democracy and all the reasons there's a First Amendment (guaranteeing free speech) -- it [the free news tabloids] certainly doesn't do a hell of a lot for that."
What have your monolithically-controlled local monopolies done for it lately?
What have your monolithically-controlled local monopolies done for it lately?
EisnerCorp Network News runs ANOTHER offensive mea-culpa -- this time dumping JACK's Alphabet Soup, which as a paid member of his conspiracy it is RESPONSIBLE FOR.
Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassman must be having a spasm: a jury's ruled that Bill the Entomologist got some specimens from a university and a competitor without their permission.
You may win in court -- but we rule 624 UNIVERSES BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
You may win in court -- but we rule 624 UNIVERSES BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
As WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! proves, outrageous PR is not the sole property of conventional media. Some hack at Wired.com proves it further by insisting video-games now rival Citizen Kane. There's just one catch -- and you wonder why any self-respecting Devin clone would write this:
Yes, the game business is increasingly reliant on movie licenses and sequels. It is less willing to take big risks, particularly in themes or audiences.
This is Orson Welles?
Yes, the game business is increasingly reliant on movie licenses and sequels. It is less willing to take big risks, particularly in themes or audiences.
This is Orson Welles?
So why is people watching less network news bad? I can think of three reasons it's good: 1) People hate the corporate owners; 2) People know they're going to get a heavy dose of spin liberally seasoned with PR, and 3) People who want to be well-informed turned to the Web long ago.
I would think of something original to say now that Joe Biden's not running for the White House, but somebody stole it.
The same AOL that has accounting problems, that will probably ditch the AOL from the corporate name to make people forget the accounting problems, now insists people are dying to pay for its Webzines, and said so to the paid Wall Street Journals -- after magazine publishers were accused of faking their circulations!
That load of crock is so heavy it's already halfway to China.
That load of crock is so heavy it's already halfway to China.
The kind of story that makes news hacks glad to be alive: Two insufferable jerks who've never known a bad day in their lives, Nixon (just call him by his last name) and Jerry Dreckmeister, are about to sign a deal to let them void more dung, er, product on the public, which the news hacks can turn into deathless masterpieces.
Aren't you glad you lunch at Morton's, Laura?
Aren't you glad you lunch at Morton's, Laura?
The good news is, the Liberian strongman Charles Taylor is stepping down. The bad news is, he's being replaced by his vice-president -- Moses Blah.
Daniel Gordon, former chief energy trader for Merrill Lynch & Co., is being investigated for embezzling $43 million from the world's largest securities firm in 2000 by disguising the theft as an energy trade....
At this level what's the difference between a trade and a theft?
At this level what's the difference between a trade and a theft?
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Another magical GoogleBlogger error message:
550 Could not open: No space left on device
I guess there is no space left in your puny heads.
550 Could not open: No space left on device
I guess there is no space left in your puny heads.
Another approved Professor blog mentions someone named "Krugman" 61 times. Isn't this, uh, a little much?
(Oh well, the previous week he mentioned someone named "Krugman" 79 times. We're going to have to work harder on this.)
(Oh well, the previous week he mentioned someone named "Krugman" 79 times. We're going to have to work harder on this.)
In more great news about big business -- er, free enterprise, Bob 'n' Dick, America's software firms know how to treat their customers RIGHT!
Militant Islamic Meeting Draws Sparse Crowd in Indonesia
Hmm, maybe the "any-publicity-is-good-publicity" gag doesn't work with holy cockroaches anymore -- or maybe they're just lying low, waiting to kill more infidels.
Hmm, maybe the "any-publicity-is-good-publicity" gag doesn't work with holy cockroaches anymore -- or maybe they're just lying low, waiting to kill more infidels.
Hey kids! (That includes you, Robert J. "Competition" Samuelson -- and you too, Dick "Free Enterprise" Armey! Very definitely!) Guess what I learned! There's a cookies-'n'-crackers duopoly in the supermarket! It's controlled by Altria Motive Foods and Kellogg's, and the latter is so proud of its name it doesn't even mention it on packages of Keebler, Cheez-it, Hydrox, Famous Amos, Murray -- guess they figure when they raise prices every half (to pay their dues as proud members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers) they don't want people to know who did it! Gosh do I love big business, Bob and Dick!
Nation giggles as state recall runs riot; Complexity of race reveals California's multifaceted identity
The nation giggles not because of California's multifaceted identity, but because California's just plain weird.
When was the last time anyone giggled at Pennsylvania?
The nation giggles not because of California's multifaceted identity, but because California's just plain weird.
When was the last time anyone giggled at Pennsylvania?
I wish I knew why the Professor and his coproductions are so excited about Ah-NULT, much as many Freepers used to get their juices flowing over Jim "Ferret Hair and Sewer-Rat Ethics" Traficant. Part of it is surely his celebrity; the rush of adrenalin from 100 million hits every ten minutes can give you a sense of camaraderie; part of it must be he's a liberal Democrat registered Republican, quite appealing to that subspecies of political lizard called the libertarian (with whom the Professor belongs, though he knows the word has a ring to it, so he calls himself "anti-Idiotarian," which I don't think will ever grace any self-respecting party); part of it is definitely the idea of influencing an election. The problem is, we've had enough practical jokes in politics lately, of which this is but the latest, and often the punchline is for the practical joke to leave office in disgrace.
The nice thing when The Gliberal writes is, I get to use the Find function in IE (it's in the Edit menu) to see how many times he'll use the word "Bush," or "Dubya," or "conservatives," or "evil." Today he used "Bush" five times, and the others zero, but there's always hope, especially for the last one.
Thought you were writing a column on THE ARTS, Gliberal!
Thought you were writing a column on THE ARTS, Gliberal!
Prisons are a breeding ground for holy cockroaches, so we can understand why politically obtuse types might keep the Raid under lock and key.
This looks like a job for -- SUPERHOOPER!!!!!
This looks like a job for -- SUPERHOOPER!!!!!