Posted 10:05 PM by Gene

NEWSRAG EDITING MADE E-Z: JonBoy has put the Britneyclones on the domestic cover (no .jpg yet, but that's the story), which gives us an excuse to be sensational and deny it at the same time. (I guess that's why we put it in the HEALTH section?) And what cover story is complete without the idiotic nonjudgmental closing graf?

And even if our adolescents pick up a few tricks from the Brit Pack, we have a big head start on them. We begin to teach our kids values while they're still in diapers. "Kids learn good morals and values by copying role models who are close to them," says Michele Borba, author of "Teaching Moral Intelligence." Experts say that even the most withdrawn teens scrutinize their parents for cues on how to act. So watch your behavior; don't gossip with your friends in front of the kids and downplay popularity as a lifetime goal. Parents need to understand and talk about the things that interest their kids—even if it's what Paris is wearing—without being judgmental. That makes it easier for kids to open up. "The really subtle thing you have to do is hear where they are coming from, and gently direct them into thinking about it," says Borba. That means these celebrities gone wild and all their tabloid antics can be teachable moments. Lesson No. 1: wear underwear.

TRANSLATION: Throw up your hands and bury your head in the sand. Hey! But at least it's DOING SOMETHING.

In the Europe edition we have a story on the continent's abandoned churches -- lots of them -- with this opening graf:

For the muslims [SIC!!!!!] of Clitheroe, collective worship has never been easy. It's been 40 years since the first Asians settled in the little town close to England's industrial heartland, but the 300-strong community has struggled ever since to find a suitable site for a mosque. No longer. In December the town council finally approved plans for the conversion of a handsome but derelict structure: a disused Methodist chapel. "There is a feeling of overwhelming relief and joy," says Sheraz Arshad, a local Muslim leader. "Just because it looks like a church, there's no reason why it can't be used as a mosque."

After that we read no further.

And the Asian and Latin American editions have a story on ultra-cheap PCs for the Third World, surely an inside joke given our SYNERGISTIC PARTNERSHIP.

JONBOY HITS THE TRIFECTA!

P. S. Great cover guys. (It just posted.) I could do that with my eyes closed -- and I guess you did, also.

P. P. S. at 8:55 a. m. on 2/5: They fixed that lower-case letter in a hurry!

Posted 6:55 PM by Gene

Let us hope, for the human race's sake, there will always be differences between men and women.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

I think we know where the Bugmeister's going to rake in most of his dough:

My somewhat older laptop had trouble with Vista itself, never mind the gadgets. At a creaky 18 months old, it didn't have the power to run anything but basic Vista, and it did that in fits and starts and very slowly. Worst of all, when I tried to roll the machine back to XP, I discovered that, once you do a full upgrade, Vista cannot be uninstalled. All you can do is reformat the hard drive, lose all your data and programs and reinstall XP all over again. Seeking confirmation of this from the Microsoft Website, I discovered the company was at that point charging $245 per incident for a support call.

In fairness to the Bug, I've been playing with His Office 2007 for a few days, and I must confess I think He has a winner there. The ribbons are far easier to work with than the old menu system. (Of course it helps that I paid $0 for it, but I still think it's an improvement.)

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

WHY INSTANT CULTURE WON'T WORK: Anyone can strum a gheetar. (Judging from the recorded-sound biz' masterpieces, anyone does.) What's important is what goes into the gheetar. The early rock acts at least had the stimulus of the old blues kings, or the rockabilly types, or (in The Beatles' case) the English music hall. Today's gheetar strummers have only other gheetar strummers, who got their inspiration from other cruddy rock acts. In short, we have garbage-in-garbage-out, and that's why pop "music" is now doomed to stink forever.

Posted 2:29 PM by Gene

ANNOYING: When something (usually relating to what used to be called "morals") bugs some people for cause we news hacks can easily label the bugged as CONSERVATIVES, and strongly hint-hint that said conservatives are the kind of people who don't like to see others having a good time. Nor does it help that the conservative quoted here is named Gelernter, and obviously related to the famous Yale professor. Here's another reason the business's circ is slipping out from underneath it: it always makes fun of a good chunk of its readers, who happen to be a good chunk of US.

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

In the old days, when a politician's most ferocious enemy died, he might have let out a few choice expletives in private and then forgotten about it. Today I learned that Dubya issued "a statement" (no doubt not written by him) mourning the death of Molly Ivins, which, in its own way, confirmed her nickname for him: Shrub.

Posted 12:45 PM by Gene

LAST GRAF (and please note this IS a SLIME property):

An image of two polar bears apparently stranded on melting ice off Alaska was used around the world yesterday to illustrate the dangers of climate change. These bears, however, were photographed in 2004, late in the summer when the ice melts naturally, and are thought to have swum safely to another ice floe. Disappearing sea ice is the bears’ greatest threat, and the IPCC predicts that it could disappear by the end of the century. However, as such strong swimmers, it is almost impossible for polar bears to be stranded on a breakaway ice floe. It is far more likely that this pair were just taking a breather.

We don't know what to think of global warming, but can we really expect the same AUGUST BODY that gave us ZIONISM IS RACISM to be definitive on anything except rotten judgment?

Posted 11:38 AM by Gene

The idea that the calamity of Woodrow Wilson's last months in office, of a president living in seclusion and his wife governing the country, is a thing of the past is a delusion. Few knew of FDR's grave heart problems or JFK's manifold illnesses until years after the fact. Indeed Laura's secret surgery and the spell cast over Vice-President BIG OIL's buckshot friend indicate the powers upstairs may still have enough wherewithal to keep us in the dark about their frailties.

Posted 11:18 AM by Gene

I view the VIACON-YouTube shouting match as nothing more than another tantrum between two huge media tyrannies. SUMNER wants to protect His fortune; the Dalai Lamas of Mountain View want to protect Theirs. The theft of intellectual property rights seems almost secondary here. With luck both tyrannies will make enough enemies among the people as to lose business, though I doubt it.

Posted 11:13 AM by Gene

Speaking of the Paper of Re-CORD, I smell another J'ACCUSE coming:

Number of People Stopped by Police Soars in New York

No. 1., it's a big city. No. 2., it's an unsafe city. No. 3., can you blame the police after what's happened the last six years?

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

At one point during the interview, Mr. Simpson says: “As things got heated, I just remember Nicole fell and hurt herself. And this guy kind of got into a karate thing.” It was then, he says, that “I remember I grabbed the knife.” Later, asked about whether he had taken off a glove before handling the knife, Mr. Simpson says, “You know, I had no conscious memory of doing that, but obviously I must have because they found a glove there.”

I want the news hacks of the world to continue to insist O. J. was innocent for PC reasons.

Posted 11:07 AM by Gene

More earth-shattering news from the ASSPress:

Federline 'Sorry' About Super Bowl Ad

Posted 10:49 AM by Gene

I'M MORE ANTI-WAR THAN YOU!

That's the spirit Hill -- GET MAD!

And here's a classic exhortation from Sen. Sandinista:

“Bipartisanship to me does not mean getting Democrats to agree with Republican principles!” Chris Dodd said. “It means getting Republicans to agree to Democratic principles!”

I do believe Sandy just waved bye-bye to his own chances. But don't tell that to Sandy.

(Via AmSpec)

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

So! eBay has stopped auctions of those non-existent "implements" in digital war-and-witchcraft games. That $100 billion number sounds like a "Hi Mom!" moment (Ed Castronova? Meet PERFESSER THOMPSON!), but no doubt lots of people spend inordinate time playing these games that go in circles and lead nowhere. When archaeologists look back at this sad and shriveled age they will scratch their heads and wonder how so many could have wasted so much time in make-believe.

One thing's clear: if they ever get to the level of a real scam the Congressional hearings will be ridiculous.

And this, of course, largely involves SONY, the company that proudly gave the world ATRAC and ROOTKITS, and that seems managed with its head firmly up its behind.

P. S. PERFESSER CASTRONOVA is an economist, NATCH, and apparently he's spent lots of time making Hi Mom! moments:

His paper on Norrath, a fictional planet in the EverQuest universe, Virtual Worlds: A First-Hand Account of Market and Society on the Cyberian Frontier (2001) is available on SSRN. It claims, for example, that Norrath has a GDP per capita somewhere between that of Russia and Bulgaria, higher than that of China and India, and that a unit of EverQuest currency is worth more than the Yen or Lira.

Now what this guy needs is a special cell phone surgically stitched to his face, with immediate access to every news hack -- just like PERFESSER THOMPSON.

Posted 6:05 PM by Gene

Mario's now retracted fears of Europeans LAUGHING at us are nothing compared to what the rest of the world does with the SUPER BORE EVERY year, when it's sound asleep during the game -- and wakes up rolling its eyes.

Posted 5:55 PM by Gene

How apt that Stephen King is moving into comic books. He should have started there in the first place.

"These comics aren't junk food; they're more like delicacies," King said. "Sushi for the mind, if you like. You have to teach yourself how to read 'adult comics,' which are actually comic/novel hybrids...."

Sounds like sushi and bubble gum for the mind.

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

Another mea culpa from SLIME: His writer moans at all the amateur culture that's ruining the country. First off, the "professionals" have forsaken their calling by putting out their own brand of rank amateurism; anyone who can compare the "best" of today favorably with the best of seventy years ago is an ad-blurbist or looking for work, or both. (That this clown praises TV commercials is a solid clue.) Second, there have been amateur hours before: SLIME's contest's antecedents date back at least to vaudeville and beyond. Does anyone remember (for an example) Tommy Dorsey's amateur song-writing contest, forced on him by a snit between ASCAP and the burgeoning BMI? The country survived. Third, which is worse: that rank amateurs "rule the culture" or that the professionals have lowered their own standards? I say lowering the standards prepared the ground for these Visigoths, who merely took advantage of the widening breach in high-tech's wall. At any rate, it begs the question: our culture stinks regardless of its provenance. It might be more than the paid status of its creators.

Posted 1:42 PM by Gene

How well is the recorded...sound biz doing? Diana Ross can't sell.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

Da Bears got a taxpayer-financed spaceship that ruined a classic venue. The Colts moved in the dead of night from Baltimore.

WHO CARES WHO WINS?

Posted 12:02 PM by Gene

So! Dubya's big gasohol push may lead to higher food prices; but it will help where it can help best -- in CONGRESSPOOPS' CAMPAIGN CHESTS!

Who knew corn was so profitable?

Posted 11:59 AM by Gene

MORE CEO LUXURY-BOX NEWS: The big A-B is using the game to sell Bud Light (it "led all domestic light beers by growing shipments 4% during 2006, according to a Beer Marketer's Insights estimate") (!), Bud ("which saw shipments slide 5.8% during 2006"), and Bud Select (whose "sales fell by double digits last year").

Good luck with all those animals! Pfffffffffffffffffffft!

Posted 10:09 AM by Gene

Calm thinking at NRO:

The Crucible in Boston [Mario Loyola]

I THINK THE BOSTON AUTHORITIES SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES!! THEY MISTOOK OBVIOUS TOYS FOR BOMBS AND SENT THE ENTIRE CITY INTO A PAROXYSM OF WAR-ON-TERROR PARANOIA!! AND NOW THEY'RE TAKING OUT THEIR FRUSTRATIONS BY LYNCHING TWO QUASI-HIPPIES WHO QUITE ARE QUITE RIGHTLY MOCKING THEM AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO THINKS THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG!!!

REPORTS THAT THOSE GUYS HELD BACK FROM EXPLAINING THE PROVENANCE OF THE GADGETS ARE SERIOUS IF THEY KNOWINGLY HELD BACK FOR ANY SIGNIFICANT LENGTH OF TIME. BUT THE MAIN POINT IS THAT BY THE TIME THEY FIGURED OUT THAT IT WAS ALL THEIR FAULT, THE AUTHORITIES HAD ALREADY CAUSED A CITY-WIDE PANIC OVER FUNNY-LOOKING GADGETS THAT LOOK EXACTLY NOTHING LIKE A BOMB!!!!

WHETHER THOSE GUYS DID ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR, THE BOSTON AUTHORITIES SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR TURNING THE UNITED STATES INTO A PLANETARY LAUGHING-STOCK!!!!! THE EUROPEAN PRESS IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS!!!!! NORMALLY WORLD OPINION CAN COOK IN ITS OWN STEW AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, BUT I'M GOING TO BE TRAVELING ABROAD SOON AND I REALLY HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING INCIDENT!!!!!!!!!!

02/02 08:46 AM [Overemphasis added]

Mario also uses Democrat as an adjective. NUF SAID.

P. S. at 1:30 P. M.: Super Mario changed his mind. He must have gotten e-mails.

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

The infernal SAMMY GLICKMAN! is giving THE GREATEST DIRECTOR EVER the NEW DR. EVIL "HUMANITARIAN" AWARD, which by rights given its name should be 1. A pile of soiled diapers, 2. Title to a toxic-waste site, or 3. Getting locked up in a room to watch every winner of the RAZZIE AWARDS.

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

"We cannot, we should not, we must not permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons."

Another trick question, Hill: How would you cannot, should not, must not permit it?

(Via NewsMax!!!!!)

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

"A pile of steamed buns!"

Sounds good -- but couldn't this "establishment" critic have chosen a more apt metaphor?

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Abe "JFK" Lincoln is the new stealth candidate.

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

FORBES BLASTS A MERGER?!?!?

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Speaking of THE GAMES, London 2012 has tripled in cost -- and it's still five years away!

TAX AND LOTTERY DOLLARS TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

The latest gimmick in the consumer electronics biz is the "smart TV." Leaving aside whether this is an oxymoron, the Bugmisters have tried to mate TVs and computers for several decades, and we suspect they'll be at it for a while yet.

Some day, however, high-definition resolution may change as technology evolves. But incremental improvements will increasingly matter less, says Crutchfield's Simon. Most people can't tell the subtle differences between high-end TV technologies. "Your eyes are only so good," he says.

You mean raw sewage can only smell so many ways?

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

What do President Gore and PILLHEAD have in common?

A JOKE.

(Latter link via MediaBistro)

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

Speaking of the greatest gathering of CEOs this side of THE GAMES, or a Federal pen:

Super Bowl XLI
Tank Johnson Rests His Case
After a week of explaining multiple arrests, Bears' defensive tackle has nothing left to say. [Home-page squib]

Somebody! ANYBODY!

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

What is the difference between the Super Bowl and a shredder?

We doubt the money the CEOs throw at it can tell.

OR:

Consumers will probably remember the incident that made them cringe more than they will any larger marketing message.

TRANSLATION: THE PUBLIC BE DAMNED!!!!! I HAVE MY LUXURY BOX!!!!!!!!!!

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

We hope PINCH didn't run this for the usual PC reasons, but his writer reminds us there's a dreadful price to pay in pro football, something the millionaire jackasses of the media will not remind us of on Sunday night.

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

Dubya burnishes his reputation, again:

The Bush administration has failed to carry out the September 11 Commission's recommendations aimed at improving the American intelligence network, panel members said.

The nation's 16 spy agencies are still slow to share information and there's no evidence that it's easier to move money and personnel among the agencies, members of the September 11 Commission said. The most visible accomplishment of the current director of national intelligence, John Negroponte, has been to amass a staff of more than 1,300, they say.

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

The latest gag with the hacks is to speak of a "generation gap" regarding the TWXSTERS' promotion. This is just another tiresome variation on the OJ shtick where the hacks said, "If you're white he's guilty and if you're black he's innocent." Fortunately the law enforcement types (who will be facing down the O word -- overreact -- for weeks) are standing firm. This was just an idiotic stunt, and this is just hacks once again calling a spade a diamond, a heart, a club, a pitchfork, a dagger, or a shovel.

Posted 7:31 PM by Gene

You can't accuse Sarah Silverman of being annoying: That's her whole shtick.

You could say the same of Stale.com and its writers, one of whom uses 709 words to get to this punchline.

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

Or so profitable!

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

Flu rating system unveiled Similar to storm rankings.

TRANSLATION: The Feds are COLOR-CODING epidemics.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Okay everybody -- repeat after me! One, two, three:

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

(Of course I could have said SLASHDOT.)

P. S.

Jamie Tedford, senior vice president for Hub ad agency Arnold Worldwide, said Interference’s effort has morphed into a successful viral campaign online. “It spread more rapidly because of the controversy, but the fact that it has become a controversy has contributed to its success,” he said.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

The Senate has voted to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour over two years.

LARRY KUDLOW! THE ECONOMY IS RUINED!!!!!

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Hip-hopping crack kingpin guilty, faces death penalty

Another [C]RAPPER makes a BRILLIANT career move.

McGriff, who was acquitted on lesser drugs and weapons charges, looked back and smiled at his supporters when the verdict was issued.

He agrees.

McGriff succeeded in making a straight-to-video film, “Crime Partners 2000,” that featured Ja Rule, Snoop Dogg and Ice-T. The movie, about two hit men, was released in 2001.

For an ex-convict to produce a film is “an achievement,” said defense attorney David Ruhnke.

“They will never take that away from him.”

1. Tell that to hordes on YouTube. 2. He can boast about it in the inferno. (Link added)

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

We wonder if Jake wrote this piece because he had nothing better to do, or maybe he was behind on his quota. "He's Winning -- Here's How to Beat Him" on the home pages fades into "The Two Clocks: Getting Iran wrong, again", which is framed by "Democracy building is failing in Iraq. But it could work in Iran" on the window. (Why not seven or eight other heds?) Jake suggests we stop the "brinkmanship" and agree to some sort of deal whereby Nukeman stops his uranium enrichment (in public, no doubt), setting up a "long palaver" to follow (what have we had these last three years?) that would lead to Iran abiding by treaties (in public, no doubt), then Jake says we're on the wrong side, that Carter helped bring in the holy flamethrowers and Jeane Kirkpatrick helped bring down Communism, and there's this opponent of Nukeman who hates our foreign policy, and....

I just learned CVS sells 120-count aspirin bottles for ninety-nine cents. Here's one use.

P. S. And as if on cue:

Ahmadinejad Defiant on Nuke Program

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

THE POLITICO MAKES NEWS AGAIN, disclosing that the Congressional Hispanic Caucus has a double standard toward women!

Really, I'm not sure why this is so earth-shattering. Haven't Congresspoops called each other names before? And it's not like the names they call the PUBLIC.

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

LAST TWO GRAFS:

As the delegates hold their evening session, the Eiffel Tower, other Paris monuments and concerned citizens in several European countries were expected to switch off their lights for five minutes to call attention to energy conservation, heeding a call by French environmental campaigners.

Some experts said that while well-intentioned, turning the lights out could actually consume more energy than it would conserve by requiring a power spike when the lights turn back on - possibly causing brownouts or even blackouts.

Thanks again, ASSPress!

Posted 11:24 AM by Gene

Two fake pipe bombs found not part of marketing stunt

Does it occur to the MORONS who are saying HIP that something like the TWXSTERS' stunt COULD have served as a distraction to a REAL disaster? How many of these MORONS would have been laughing and putting on their blasé routine THEN?

I think that's what gets me about all this idiot HIP talk -- it's a handmaiden of the PC movement, another way to force conformity of thought and laxity of values.

Posted 10:51 AM by Gene

What's the difference between models and prostitutes except most of the latter don't pose for a camera?

Posted 10:43 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: THE "HIP" CROWD WATCHES TOO MANY CARTOONS.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

And in more recorded...SOUND news:

CD sales lousy in January

GOOD!

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

Any city with armies of homeless on the street will probably not know about stupid senseless movie promotions, nor will it have the brains to care.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

What the world is waiting for: a ghosted memoir by the mall-building tycoon Mr. Taubman, who spent time in prison for price-fixing auctions at Sotheby's.

I'm sure we will all be -- scintillated.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

The police talk to The World's Oldest Adolescent -- again!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH DA DUT DUT!

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

Well! Here's another music the LEGENDARY DAVISES and CHEAP CHANNELS killed: the blues. Not that melisma-laden "urban" treacle or [C]RAP, the BLUES, as in B. B. King blues, as in Ray Charles blues, as in Robert Johnson blues. Of course the blues would be dead because at its best it's raw and powerful, and the P&Gs and the recorded-sound biz Mafiosi don't want anything powerful, unless it's musical Ex-Lax to relieve people of their dough.

Posted 8:52 PM by Gene

We would say Al Franken has his work cut out for him as there are already enough comedians in the Congress, but we'll let it pass.

Posted 8:38 PM by Gene

Conservative bloggers sometimes exaggerate and write that so-and-so "slammed" the troops, and then you follow the link and read the comments in context and find out they're not that bad — usually it's a garden-variety criticism of how the war is being managed or, at worst, a "botched joke".

BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM, MICHELLE, HUGH THREESEATS, SAM LITTLE -- oh, no, no one that I can think of.

Posted 8:09 PM by Gene

BLITHERING IDIOT TWXSTERS ORCHESTRATED A BOMB SCARE TO PROMOTE THE CARTOON NETWORK!

SLIME AND O. J., THE WII WATER STUNT, THIS -- IS THERE NO DEPTH TO WHICH THESE FRAUDS WILL GO?



THE SAME TO YOU, KING RICHARD! I THINK THIS ENDS YOUR MAYORAL CAMPAIGN.

P. S. BOSTON.COM is reporting some dimwit with A GUERILLA MARKETING COMPANY has been arrested. (Link here)

P. P. S. Infernal Slashdotters are taking the TWXSTERS' side, which proves the only differences between Slashdotters and FREEPERS are LIBERTARIANISM and LINUX. All right, your fool devices didn't look like bombs -- but damnit there are enough people with tech skills and your weenie attitude who'd pull a stunt exactly like this. Anyone for THE UNABOMBER? Why must the world revolve around your sci-fi and your cartoons? As for the notion these were dorks who overreacted -- okay -- but where did American Airlines Flight 11 come from?

P. P. S. Blithering idiotic guerilla marketing firm is called -- get this -- INTERFERENCE. How convenient: ITS SITE ISN'T WORKING. Also the promotion was for a TIE-IN MOVIE.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

SEPTEMBER, Newt? Your fellow Republicans need you now! Con-SER-va-tives need you now! Joke writers and editorial cartoonists need you NOW!

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

A lot of news hacks presume the downfall of their business just -- happened. It's a systemic thing. More people are getting their news from the Web. The Do-Not-Call Law hurt. Kids don't know how to read. Perhaps it's all these things. Perhaps getting the news from the Web is so much more convenient than leafing through tons of newsprint. And then again it might be the content. Just possibly. When Mort Zuck has the gall to run tripe like this and this you wonder what some readers may think. Perhaps they reflexively roll their eyes and grimace, or figure insults to their intelligence are like City Hall -- you can't fight them. But one thing is certain: some readers -- maybe not very many, maybe not enough to matter at the honor box, but some -- remember they were insulted. And they take it out the best way they know how: by not buying newspapers, and possibly even not frequenting their Web sites. And if they do continue to force themselves into their embrace -- and many of us have no choice but to surf as many sites as we can to be well-informed -- they spread the contempt to the whole business, like a thin greasy coat of grime. We note DA NOOZ used to be owned by TRIB, and by Robert Maxwell. We wonder how the fraction of His investment He'd earn back in a sale would compare to, say, PINCH's. We suspect it's a topic MORT does not like thinking about. We suggest His readership should remind him.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO MORT ZUCK!

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

As he moved from trading post to trading post, all the floor brokers and their assistants stopped work and started cheering and applauding.

And I mean loud applause and huge cheers.

Still, even Bush's words on pay were met with complete silence from the business crowd he addressed.

We don't know what Greed-is-Good and Ben were up to with their respective spins. Greed wants to spin Dubya as a savior; Ben wants to spin him as a nincompoop. The truth, one suspects, lies between these two goalposts. Wall Street has a reason for cheering Dubya. It also has a reason to keep silent about excessive CEO pay.

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

Venezuela? ZIMBABWE WITH OIL!

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

The bad news: PEOPLE WARNER did better than expected. Pfffffffffffffft!

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

We can see why THE LORD GOD PINCH is outsourcing: He's written down the value of His New England papers by $814 MILLION. Ouch!

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Hey Jonny Hairshirt! Maybe we wouldn't have such an awful letdown about our favorite CELEBRITY BUSINESS NEWS BEAUTY if we hadn't built her and her network up in the first place.

SHUT UP, JONNY HAIRSHIRT!

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Sad nostalgia in Branson East, for a tourist trap called Sardi's:

The banquettes were always packed with celebrities: Zero Mostel, Ethel Merman, Richard Rodgers, Arthur Miller, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Barbra Streisand, Lauren Bacall, Katharine Hepburn, all made Sardi's their second home.

Celebrity caricatures, the restaurant's calling card, still adorn the walls. (Most, though, are copies; the valuable originals are kept in vaults.)

Leonard Lyons, the legendary Post columnist, table-hopped every night, collecting tidbits and anecdotes ("without taking notes," says Gelb). Robert Preston held court at the bar after performances of "The Music Man."

After a couple of glasses of white wine, recalls a Broadway old-timer, Maureen Stapleton sometimes wandered out into the middle of 44th Street and talked to God. "How could I let Max go?" she once asked the Lord after she'd split from her husband, Max Allentuck [sic]

Happily the joint made ONE MILLION BUCKS in December -- THE BEST IN ITS HISTORY!!!!! -- with "boisterous families on their way to "Mary Poppins" or "The Lion King"...fortifying themselves with plates of cannelloni"!!!!! That's the spirit!!!!! Who needs Zero, or MM, or Liz, or Robert Preston -- or the theater?

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

CITIGROUP's pouring moneydown a rath -- INVESTING IN THE MOVIE BIZ!

Maybe we could get MONEY HONEY® to STAR in one of them!

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

This nascent fad of viewer-produced commercials will go nowhere because 1.) The ads rely too much on buzz and not enough on the sales pitch, 2.) They'll get buried by the professional junk, and 3.) If one proves really good and memorable (doubtful, unless the hacks go into their Ein-Volk-Ein-Reich-Ein-Führer mode), every last consumer marketer will rush to make them, creating an advertising implosion.

It's also a crutch. Why can't the ad biz make decent ads anymore? We have a reason: it's even more self-obsessed than the rest of BIGMEDIA.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

LALA, in a further move to prove its hipness and irrelevance, is lobbying for THE WORLD'S GREATEST COMEDIAN to emcee the Os-CARS®.

TRANSLATION: In the name of attracting stupid teens to the show these toadies want to create a second MTV Movie Awards. Isn't one enough?

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

Oops, "There She Is" done gone and went south, and not to Oklahoma.

Viacom-owned CMT picked up the rights to run the pageant in 2006 and 2007, with the option to renew through 2011. The network has not yet decided whether it will exercise that option, according to a spokesperson.

Face it, beauty pageants are finis because they've become reality shows, and you can hardly distinguish them otherwise. Their attraction, such as it was, vanished when they pulled the plug on Bert Parks and the live orchestra.

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

Say it isn't so, Paper of Re-CORD -- you're outsourcing jobs to INJA?

This should not hurt its self-righteousness one iota.

Posted 6:59 AM by Gene

When will clowns learn you do not predict Fidel's death prematurely?

We don't know Fidel's health, we don't know what terrorists are doing -- wouldn't you say we're in a pretty pickle?

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

Sidney Sheldon, the Aaron Spelling of words, who went from the prolific hackwork of movies to the prolific hackwork of TV to the prolific hackwork of potboilers, has died. RIP.

Posted 6:11 PM by Gene

The ROOTKIT MUSIC CO. may have settled with the government, but we wonder if it can ever settle in the court of public opinion.

Posted 6:04 PM by Gene

LEGENDARY WELCHING LIVES: Yes, we know it's Consumer Reports, and it might still want to hold its head a little low after the car-seat fiasco, but it's run an article blasting the airline business for outsourcing maintenance, and runs a chart linking the increased outsourcing to increased cancellations. When LEGENDARY ran the show he let loose a lot of bean counters who were even more serious about running America into the ground than he in the name of inflated CEO wages, and thus we got the panacea of outsourcing, and the screwups attendant thereto.

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

The usual tantrum throwers are mad because Dubya has signed a directive taking greater control about how the White House "implements policy". We have never liked Dubya's secrecy kick, and everything about top-level Republicans is about doing favors for the kind of people who helped it lose the midterms; but this can cut both ways, and we suspect if Hill's prez she'll do the same sneaky thing for her friends -- and we'll hear no complaining from DRUMMERS.

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Does anyone other than the usual onanistic pundits and bloggers give a tinker's damn about the Libby case? It's a veritable three-ring circular argument, and hacks of all sorts make us spin already.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

Vista may be (as the CW has it) a fait accompli for being automatically offered with new computers, but this is the third time the Redmond monolith has made a big push for a new OS in twelve years, and forgive us for not thinking the third time the charm, but rather three strikes and you're out -- no matter how beautiful it is.

(We shouldn't sneer too much; we just got a free copy [or rather a product key enabling a download] of Office 2007 Professional for participating in a promotion. I'd rather have it than the OS. Now I won't have to worry about that part of the upgrade -- until the next planned obsolescence.)

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

How fitting: A scholarship for veterinary medicine is the least the racing business can do.

I could not resist posting this picture.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

CURT SCHILLING FOR SENATE -- against MONSIEUR HEIN-TZZZ?

I think he's underestimating all those ketchup bottles.

Posted 9:47 AM by Gene

BUGMEISTER BILL'S PEARL OF WISDOM NO. 2:

Planned obsolescence is good for you.

Posted 9:43 AM by Gene

"Congratulations? It was unintentionally successful," Sahakian said. "She lied to me. She falsified records, knowing my cutoff for single women is 55….I don't think the last chapter has been closed, either. She could die 10 years from now. What will happen to the children?"

We ask again: Just because science says you can do something does it mean science says you should?

Posted 9:39 AM by Gene

Who would have thought: The FRENCH are more sympathetic to us than DEMOCRATS?

We'll take friends wherever we can get them.

Posted 9:25 AM by Gene

The Spy Who Glowed becomes target practice!

By the way, whatever happened to him?

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Time to make up your minds, con-SER-va-tives: Is Rudy kosher, or is he not?

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

An insider offers a post-mortem on Sundance, which as the great Robert says isn't a market, it's a FESTIVAL:

Longtime visitors to Park City become so inured to its drawbacks that sometimes a newcomer has to point them out. A visitor from Europe, who had never been here before, was appalled by the poor projection in the makeshift theaters annually installed in the Yarrow and Racquet Club. Will this ever be remedied?

No, because then the crowds couldn't give all those STANDING O'S.

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

Okay con-SER-va-tives, repeat after me:

Reid's Whitewater

Con-SER-va-tives continue to deny their party lost because of ITS corruption.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Bloggers are glorified ward leaders.

FURTHER TRANSLATION: Bloggers weren't important when they didn't take OUR side.

(Via TownHall.com, which for some reason refused to give the source)

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

If the Protestants and the Catholics can come to terms in Northern Ireland, why can't the Sunnis and the Shiites?

There are reasons, mostly beginning with the letter I.

Posted 8:13 AM by Gene

A man who was drummed out of the securities biz says the "brilliant vaudeville comic" JIM! BOOM! BOOM! CRAMER! is an ass.

We'll take that as definitive.

Posted 7:35 PM by Gene

Despite "(this magazine has a contractual relationship with the Fox News cable network to jointly produce the show Forbes on Fox)", Little Malcolm runs a surprisingly hard-nosed piece on SLIME's dreams of Web domination, with terms like "Bubble 2.0" and a few reminders of His VISIONARY failures. When will Wall Street's cretins see there's precious little gold in the Web's fool's gold?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Burning question among the SUPERINTELLECTUALS of the WEB:

Is Opra [SIC!!!!!] and [SIC!!!!!] Dr. Phil Gay?

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

First Big Pharma had one excuse for mergers -- it was doing well! Now it has another excuse for mergers -- it's doing ROTTEN!

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

ONE MORE YEAR* for BARRY BONDS* to BREAK* the RECORD*!

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

CALAMITY: The TWXSTERS may obliterate B. S. DEFENDER'S LEGACY: There's TALK of PEOPLE WEEKLY and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MERGING!

What will his ego do?

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 4:51 PM by Gene

BUGMEISTER BILL PEARL OF WISDOM NO.1:

The best idea is always somebody else's.

Posted 3:08 PM by Gene

3,310 WORDS ON THE PHENOMENON OF THE CENTURY, THE BIG O (or rather one of the TWO BIG O's), and it boils down to THIS:

Glenn Garvin, television writer for the Miami Herald, says most of America isn't paying attention. "Olbermann is a media cause célèbre and a popular flop," Garvin wrote in an e-mail interview. "To me, he's simply the flip side of Bill O'Reilly, a guy rewriting the wires and sprinkling it with random political rants, better gag lines, but a more predictable point of view."

Further defying the notion of a full-fledged youth revolution is the matter of the age of "Countdown's" audience. MSNBC has made much of Olbermann's pull with younger viewers. Among the ratings coups last year was "Countdown" moving past CNN into second place among the cable news networks for viewers age 25 to 54. Its own research, however, shows the median age of the "Countdown" viewer at 59. If nothing else, the numbers show just how tiny the younger audience is for even the hippest cable television news.

Will you hacks (writing for JERNALISM REVUES or otherwise) please stop wasting millions of words restating the obvious?

(Via the usual Romy, who'd have used millions of words too)

Posted 2:05 PM by Gene

A small brigade of megalomaniacs engages in civil warfare to see WHOSE LOGO appears on the front of some MOVIES.

Do any of these imbeciles (and we include LUKE SPIELBERG) care what kind of PRODUCT they turn out? We can guess the answer.

Posted 1:10 PM by Gene

We are very sorry to hear that Barbaro has been put down. We wonder if all the noble effort to save his life was really worth it, whether the humane thing to do would have been just to euthanize the horse then and there at Pimlico. One might be forgiven for thinking the money factor but in this case given the horse's supreme belovedness that was surely the last concern. And beloved he deserved to be; Barbaro showed the kind of personality and spunk known to homo sapiens, and if his dreadful tale can improve the lot of race horses -- the tracks are starting to use using more horse-friendly synthetic turfs in no small measure as a result -- so be it.

P. S. I have struggled to get this in decent shape because it's so easy to sound like an idiot on something like this, as if I'm never an idiot on anything.

Posted 11:20 AM by Gene

ASTONISHING: P&G and UNILEVER are AVOIDING the SUPER BOWL this year, with this dire consequence:

(Yes, really, there won't even be a terrible Gillette commercial.)

GADZOOKS!

Posted 10:56 AM by Gene

"The solution is to bring solutions and be very practical," said Rep. Kay Granger of Texas, the Republican Conference vice chairman. "Let them know we listened and we're making some changes."

Freshman members agree.

"We have to show the American public that we can get things done," said Rep. Mary Fallin of Oklahoma. Voters "want to see Congress work on real solutions to real problems."

And with such bold, innovative thinking the Republicans should regain the House in...when?

Posted 10:20 AM by Gene

WAIT a second: We KNOW Sen. Hole-in-the-Bagel's OUR kind of Republican, but isn't all the campaigning in our company reserved for Lenny? Doesn't HE get the first shots?

Posted 9:20 AM by Gene

It just occured to me that when that dimwit at NRO screamed THERE ARE NOT 46 MILLION UNINSURED!!!!!!!!!! he forgot that THE DUHB screamed when his health insurer nearly doubled the cost of his coverage. People worry about health insurance for good reasons -- because of the expense both ways, and because it's nowadays something too easily taken away.

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

The Big C? LOGROLLING?

Who WOULD have guessed?

(Via the usual Romy, who is astonished too)

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

Sen. Chuck Schumer sponsored 184 bills last year, plus he successfully coordinated his party's efforts to retake the Senate and held more press conferences than anyone would care to count.

On top of all that, he wrote a 265-page book.

Why doesn't he run for president?

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Fr. Robert Drinan, the news hacks' kind of Catholic, has died. To the extent any Congressman can be remembered (few deserve to be) with Drinan it will not be for his "courageous" stands on topics like THE WAR and abortion (moderate = pro-choice; better update THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY) but because Pope John Paul II told him to quit his job, presumably because he wasn't that Catholic. Such are the perils of taking courageous stands on the issues, and of siding with the angels. RIP.

I realize how sour this sounds but when news hacks do a favor it turns the recipient into a caricature.

Posted 9:31 PM by Gene

Yes, I think it's hard not to like a man like this.

Posted 9:30 PM by Gene

We stumbled on this by accident, but how many smaller towns like Shreveport have gone zillions into debt to build convention centers that end up drawing nobody, all so they can make up for the industry and retailing that Corporate America has resolutely decided will never locate there again?

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Clinton: Bush should withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq before leaving office

Okay, Hill, here's your first trick question: What makes you think Dubya will withdraw them? Here's your second trick question: When would you withdraw them? Here's your third trick question: How?

Yes, the race is on.

Posted 3:15 PM by Gene

We wonder if a certain prominent Paramount executive would have typed this diatribe if his nominal boss SUMNER were in MSOs. Such writing is at best phony-baloney -- at best -- because it lets the author grudgingly and falsely admit to how much his show-biz stinks while he continues to kiss every last rear end he can get his fat lips on.

SHUT UP, PETER BART!

Posted 12:00 PM by Gene

If NANCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wants to be speaker for one term here's something she MUST push VIGOROUSLY: a LAW against RACIAL PROFILING.

Posted 10:58 AM by Gene

Another lemming enters the race: former Gov. Huckabee of -- ARKANSAS, who gets a royal endorsement from -- well, you can guess:

This one went over well — introducing his tax philosophy: "I think Steve Forbes was right..."

MS. TRAVERS ought to run his campaign!

Posted 10:44 AM by Gene

Saudi Officials Seek to Temper the Price of Oil

I am sure we appreciate that favor, O holy enemies of THE LETTER X. (But not EXXonMobil?)

The Saudis appear to be rediscovering that painfully high energy prices take a profound toll on the global economy, which in turn reduces demand for their oil.

We thought you guys sorta liked blowback!

Posted 10:37 AM by Gene

An Iranian nuclear agency official has denied claims made by a top lawmaker that the Islamic Republic had begun installing 3,000 centrifuges at an uranium enrichment plant, Iran's state-run news agency reported late Saturday.

Hossein Simorgh, spokesman of Iran's Atomic Energy Organization public relations department [SIC].... (Emphasis added)

NUF SAID.

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

DA POST!!!!!!!!!! recalls the smashes of 2006 that had fans in the dozens -- like The Long Weekend, whose "sexual and bodily humor" was so "outrageous" the film's producer got "calls" (from whom? his mother?), and Rank (!!!!!), which despite glorious raves from the likes of DA POST!!!!!!!!!! earned only $2,485, which would seem to indicate most of DA POST!!!!!!!!!!'s subscribers can't read. Or maybe they can.

We say it again: most movies are made for NOBODY -- and that's how the industry wants it.

P. S. Not to fret, though: Zyzzyx Road is 8,265 in ALL-TIME DOMESTIC!

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

Is it me or is the ASSPress turning into the public relations office of the Miss Vegas -- er, America Pageant?