Posted 7:58 PM by Gene

I find small talk difficult. Does that make me a genius with Asperger's?

Posted 6:35 PM by Gene

STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

Buried in a Michael Ledeen commentary on NRO is this juicy little morsel about the koo-koomeinis next door to Iraq (and I found it only after surfing littlegreenfootballs.com):

(Revolutionary Guards officers were recently informed that a nuclear test is in the works later this summer)

The liberation of Iran is next!

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

With the way the kids run the professional college basketball teams it's a wonder more head coaches don't turn to drink.

I don't think this is Glory City, Dickie V!

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Now Saddam -- whatever's left of him -- is turning to pen-palling, just like his comrade-in-arms Osama.

Anything for a job.

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

Loudmouth, who tried unsuccessfully to turn himself in to U. S. forces in Iraq, is being offered a job on a satellite-TV station in Dubai!

You're on your way to stand-up-comedy stardom!

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Now's the time to put some truth in Scott Fitzgerald's old bromide that there are no second acts in American lives.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

The knives are being sharpened: Former Warners and now Yahoo! exec Terry Semel's being rumored as a replacement for Mickey Mouse Michael.

Somebody! ANYBODY!!

Earth-to-Corporate-Board-Members Alert: This company puts out cinematic trash -- and the board's worried it runs reality TV? The next time you reflect on the stock price maybe you'd better head to the nearest mirror.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Sumner Lays an Egg? Some high-profile rags have turned down the chance to run excerpts from Sen. Rodham's excus -- memoirs. If they don't want to print them, why should we want to read them?

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

If this means getting five thousand Devins to write a hundred thousand plugs, NEWSPAPERS DON'T NEED MORE "BUZZ."

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

An amazing story: hundreds of worms sent up on Columbia have been found -- alive.

To be precise, their great or great-great-grandchildren. Amazing.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Rep. Curt Weldon has a point. And the point is ultimately this: yes, the Russians were @#$%^& on Iraq -- and they also have the world's second largest arsenal of nukes. A good reason to keep a calm head.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

More holy cockroaches -- trapped! In Pakistan.

Including the possible mastermind of the USS Cole bombing.

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

PLAGIARISTS! PLAGIARISTS!

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

Now Virginia beats its head against a wall fighting spam.

Better have the aspirin ready.

Posted 6:19 AM by Gene

What? The Republican governor of New York threatens to veto a bill that raises taxes? Shame!

Posted 6:14 AM by Gene

Libya has "accepted responsibility" for the Lockerbie bombing. Whether this is true contrition or mere Yasserspeak remains to be seen.

It's not a hopeful sign when Libya issues a statement via Reuters.

Posted 6:12 AM by Gene

Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Grant Tinker.

Wrongo, Brian. Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Alfred E. Neuman. If you could get it to work right.

Posted 6:08 AM by Gene

Bill the Entomologist, fresh from daydreaming of Universal Music domination, wants to take over our newspapers.

Go for it, Bill! If anyone can get fewer people to read papers, YOU can.

Posted 6:04 AM by Gene

The company named for a toy firm and once run by a Jimmy Durante lookalike with expensive tastes in umbrella stands is doing more -- er, accounting.

Posted 8:13 PM by Gene

Howell! I think we've found another cause.

Posted 8:10 PM by Gene

Palestinians celebrate their new government.

Posted 7:03 PM by Gene

I think I'm beginning to understand why Andy S. has this thing against Paul "Economists Don't Lie Except When They're Conservative" Krugman.

Posted 6:30 PM by Gene

Here's an oddball (and expected) juxtaposition on USA Okay's Web site: a story from Curley (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) headlined that Sen. Dennis Day's "leadership job" is "not in peril" (with that sly manner of today's Goebbelses in implying that his job is in peril), followed by another headline (to another story from Curley) that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's "regime change" remarks are "just a quip."

In the magical, mystical world of news hacks even the most innocent of things becomes grounds for suspicion. And news hacks are the last people I'd call innocent.

Posted 6:15 PM by Gene

Says one of the "stars" of The Real Cancun in a vicious two-page "ADVERTISEMENT"-sluggable suck-up by some overly ambitious apparatchik named Stein, the Devin of AOL Time Warner Magazine: "I'd rather be known for this instead of being smart or something....There's a million people who are smart. There's only 16 of us who were in Cancun together."

Which may be nine more than went to see the movie.

KING RICHARD!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TO DROP AMERICA ONLINE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?!?!?

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

Warren Buffett Media Company may take over Dow, Jones!

What happened to that company is a story of unimaginable catastrophe, and though I hold the Journals in low regard for their Certs (or unlobotomized schizophrenic) view of the news, the company's still a big force, and should be, testimony to the grand human spirit of perseverance. But the company thought the way to redo its biz was to give the Journals a facelift, and that didn't work because they didn't need it, it was their Skull-and-Bones-exclusive Web site. I don't know how to fix the Journals other than to have them give up Certs, but do that and Al Hunt or Paul Gigot throws a tantrum to end all tantrums (though the news hacks will only hear that overexposed punditface Hunt out, natch), and there's blood on the floor an inch thick. The next best step is to fix the Internet approach: stop charging for the news, and instead start a premium-priced real-time subscription service based solely on statistics that would be to the Web what the Bloomberg Box is to stock brokerages, with an emphasis on broadband customers. That would bring ad revenues into the Journals in droves, plus you could make bigger bucks dispensing financial stats. Without boldness I see more floundering, as Dow, Jones has done for years.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Speaking of megalomania, Eric Alterman goes on and on and on about Slick Willie's loose samurai sword, the despicable Sidney Blumenthal, and I would not take note but for the good line he gets off about Walter Winchell: "That famous Internet typist."

There seem to be quite of few of them, though, last I noticed.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

MEGALOMANIA'S BACK AT THE OLYMPICS!

I can't wait for our national show of ATTITUDE.

I don't think this is about glory EITHER, Dickie V!

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

"It has been a brutal couple of years economically for newspapers."

Well let's see, Bill, first you give us mountains of junk news in a sleepwalk before the biggest single news story since we atom-bombed Japan hits you and us on the head with a two-by-four, then you give us QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, then you try giving us more junk news, then you give us more QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meantime the Web is eating your lunch and -- You expect us to pay for YOUR news, Billy?

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

That's a good line, Jerry! Calling the Dixie Chicks "French hens"! Why did it have to be you, Jerry?

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Another holy cockroach -- TRAPPED! In Iraq.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

Iraqi lawyer who helped rescue Jessica Lynch granted asylum

Good for him! And good for our government to recognize this brave gentleman's actions.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

For the first time since The Willie, a suspicious-sounding business transaction involving China gets a second look by our government.

Imagine The Cleaning Lady and Uncle Bernie all over this one!

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

"It's difficult to hear this story without smirking."

One suspects in the Guardian's case the smirking owes less to the lead singer showing up drunk and rolling on the floor (and the fans suing for damages) than to the band's (get ready) "ANTI-ABORTION LYRICS." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Take out that business and it's difficult to hear this story without smirking.

Posted 7:00 AM by Gene

Let us hope the Arab nations can be shamed, but I wonder; their peoples have backed Hitler for going on seventy years.

Posted 6:57 AM by Gene

Oooooooooooh, one of Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) hacks is suggesting TINY TOM may not win reelection -- because of his courageous stand on the war?!? Shocking.

Posted 6:31 AM by Gene

General JR. is starting to show his true colors again, as we always expected he would: mostly GREEN.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Big Al's campaign is doomed. Rep. Harold Ford of Tennessee is backing -- John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry.

Give him a broadside, Al! Honky! JEW-LOVER!!

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

With our move to CATARRH we effectively end our military presence in Saudi Arabia.

Goodbye and good riddance. Just hope the yayas don't get the weapons we've given them when they overturn the ruling poohbahs.

Posted 6:44 PM by Gene

"We're not going to pay for [the] elimination of nuclear weapons programs that never should have been there in the first place."

How refreshingly different from The Willie.

Posted 6:22 PM by Gene

This is what the Legendary Welch crowd, the great mass of corporate Babbitts, calls "progress": Turn every last acre of farmland into Mallopia, and then plunk people down in cars on highways for hours to get there. It is not progress to build in inner cities, or let people work and shop close to home, or to spend on mass transit (the hard-core conservative has a word for that: BOONDOGGLE), but it is progress to destroy our cities, ruin our meadows, waste our resources, and injure our psyches -- all in the damfool name of "progress."

(And how appropriate that Little Jeffrey, whose company screamed out of New York to escape NIG -- er, taxes, is among the Forbes slideshow's sponsors.)

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

We would all want to be nude all the time if God had made us all look like Botticelli's Venus, or Michelangelo's David, but sorry, I suspect He had a reason for aging -- and for not covering us with fur.

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

The publishing industry's version of bondage: When will someone tell these high-powered clowns that practically every big-ticket ghosted autobiography of the last twenty years (which is to say, every big-name autobiography) has bombed? Who wants to read someone skim over his life -- in someone else's words? (And with Sen. Rodham, that pronoun definitely applies.)

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

THE MAN, with help from King Richard, tried to fight Internet piracy. Well guess what happened HA HA HA HA HA!

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

We'll see. I get more spam on my Hotmail account than anywhere else, and I've noticed they spammers have been upping the volume on Yahoo! -- and these companies and AOL say they're fighting spam? WE'LL SEE.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

We told you so.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Why is it that when the media make news, it's usually buried?

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

The bad news: McDonald's profits were up, largely on currency valuations. The good news: same-store sales were down -- again.

I don't want to mock the many tens of thousands of dedicated Mickey D employees, but between your company and GM, you spend far more time with your damfool advertising than you do on the product, and so long as you do that you deserve lower sales.

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

Another dark day for hard-core conservatives: Not only will America's leading stockbrokers have to pay a $1.4 billion settlement for touting dubious stocks, the Feds have banned the superdupersalesmen -- er, analysts Jack Grubman and Henry Blodget from the biz.

I can hear the Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassmen now: WHO TOLD INVESTORS THEY HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM??? I say, WHO TOLD THESE SUPERDUPERSALESMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONFLICTS OF INTEREST THAT BORDERED ON THE CRIMINAL???

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

From bad novels to godawful newspapers to prolix sentences in legal decisions, what we have here is a failure to communicate.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Why must classical music be "cool"?

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

THE GLIBERAL STRIKES AGAIN: Howell instructs him (or better still, The Gliberal instructs himself; he knows what Howell thinks, and he thinks it too) to call that @#$%^& museum looting a "catastrophe" that without a doubt (Frank's too much the shyster writer to say it out loud) thoroughly VOIDS our victory. Gliberal, you're not that original: this is just another case of -- QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

I repeat, American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers: Does America need four full-time over-the-air commercial TV networks?

If our purpose is to finance bad TV and rub our corporate power in people's faces, or if you're Bill "The Mensa Man" Carter, the answer is obvious.

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Oh, boy: We're moving air operations to CATARRH, the state-oil-company-run poobahdom, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.

What's the diff between CATARRH and Saudi Arabia? CATARRH's a lot smaller.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Wait a second! Mr. You're-a-Jew-So-You-Don't-Exist says he's alive.

I like that fourth paragraph though. Always trying to revive QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last I heard people were tearing down Saddam posters.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

We'll be in Iraq a lot more than a year.

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

Siiiiiiigggggghhhhhh, the mouthpiece of the faux-Christians who've condemned untold children to death with their quack healing theories paints Corrie and Company as martyrs.

It appears the faux-Christians don't care if they put their paper out of business and hundreds of decent people out of jobs. THEY'D RATHER BE RIGHT.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

How do you sing "Happy Birthday" to a dead man?

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

Later today, Curley (NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!) and his forces mourn over what went right.

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

Rummy and the troops celebrate victory!

Posted 8:04 PM by Gene

Great. Two Peronists -- one the former president Carlos Menem, who sued the New York Times for libel after it implicated him in a coverup of the Jewish Community Center bombing -- will duel in a runoff in Argentina.

The only difference I see is, will it be 200-percent inflation, or 300 percent?

Posted 4:28 PM by Gene

And then there are the Olympics, which aren't helped by the news that LEGENDARY Lewis did performance-enhancing dope. Figures.

Posted 4:14 PM by Gene

Not too long ago, reading a headline like "Millwood has no-hitter through eight" on CBS Sportsline, I'd have rushed to the TV to watch (I was a Phillies fan). But after strikes, greed, municipal shakedowns, city councilmen shot in the rear, Albert "Attitude" Belle, Barry "Even MORE Attitude" Bonds, GEORGE, juiced baseballs, Zelig, Selig Signs®, the 2002 All-Star Game, ephedra, immortal announcers like Tim Mc-CAR-VER, FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!® BOXES®, and so on and so forth, I couldn't care less anymore.

P. S. He got his no-hitter. Whoopee.

Posted 4:04 PM by Gene

These former Iraqi POWs seem happy.

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

A guy who wears a tiger tattoo on his butt may have made a few phone calls.

It's those phone calls that make the good guys look like bad guys.

Posted 12:53 PM by Gene

B movies never went away. They just became overproduced, oversold A movies.

Posted 12:26 PM by Gene

Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER Magazine is reporting that Saudi Arabia is actually detaining a diplomat who may have funneled money to al-Qaida, but that's not as important as putting one of America's most obnoxious new press agents on the career fast track.

Posted 12:20 PM by Gene

I find it disturbing that no one I know has cracked open a book of poetry in decades and that I, who once spent countless hours reading contemporary poets like Lowell and Berryman, can no longer even name a living poet.

What? You're forgetting The Bard of Whole Grain Total!

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

This might be a bear of a bear market: The Cleaning Lady may be nominated to the NYSE board.

I'd long any company in China.

Posted 8:06 AM by Gene

Look over your shoulder, George Galloway: You may be prosecuted for treason.

You deserve it, if you did it.

Posted 8:04 AM by Gene

Judicial Watch -- wins a case?!? Sheesh.

Posted 7:56 AM by Gene

GOD INTERVIEWS -- JESUS!!!!!

(I'm very sorry for being sacrilegious on a Sunday morning, but I don't which is worse: Bill Moyers as the Lord, or Barry Diller as the Second Coming. The Bible says beware of false prophets, but that's a little difficult to do when certain people are God.)

Posted 7:39 AM by Gene

Good idea, General. Let's get the Iraqis together to decide their fate -- with our firm hand at the tiller.

Posted 7:36 AM by Gene

SuperRummy, I don't think you're paying attention in Afghanistan.

Posted 7:34 AM by Gene

College Republicans? In BERZERKLEY?!? Sheesh!

Posted 7:25 AM by Gene

In the golden age of pounding the table (QUALCOMM AT $10,000 A SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!), news hacks always spoke of cable companies in terms of market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, blahblahblahblah, and nothing about their notorious service. This no doubt confirmed in the minds of the Robertses, the Rigases, the Armstrongs, the Dolans, the Malones, etc., etc., etc., that cable TV's only business is producing numbers. WELL, Mayor Daley of Chicago signed an ordinance, and one of Concast's [sic] every four Windy City customers is getting a government-mandated rebate for poor service. Knowing news hacks, it won't be long before we're back to market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, etc., ETC.

Posted 7:28 PM by Gene

Speaking of publicists, no one would have noticed the death of one Barney Oldfield at 93 except that he was an aide to Ike during the war and did press work for the likes of "Errol Flynn, Elizabeth Taylor and Ronald Reagan."

To me, that's a charmed life.

Posted 7:19 PM by Gene

Friendly parental "advice" from Tribune Company: don't see The Real Cancun with your child. Especially if he's in it.

Not that the parents have to worry. The AOL film, despite HEAVY promotion from publicists like Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein, is bombing at the B.O., contrary to his undoubtable CW belief that low-budget films must always be profitable.

Posted 6:07 PM by Gene

Hello! HELLO! Mr. Gates? Howell Raines. YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM! I'M AS FAMOUS AS YOU! Listen, do you know of anyone working on time machines? I'm trying to get myself transported back to 1969 and hello? HELLO?!?

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

I would bet the links between Irag and Osama are tenuous, not the strong bonds of evil between al Qaeda and the stone-age Taliban. Nevertheless, the links grow more conclusive; only the DYKEs would dismiss them.

Posted 2:26 PM by Gene

Well, we may not have saved the treasures, but we did save the lions.

Posted 2:17 PM by Gene

Sounds like Fred "The Ac-TOR" Thompson dropped the ball on the Mata Hari biz.

I'm glad he's back in Hollyweird now.

Posted 1:55 PM by Gene

Surprise, surprise. Saddam bought off news hacks too. And Dr. Wiretap got five grand for his legal-defense fund.

Who else is on the list?

Posted 1:51 PM by Gene

I recall during the Trenting how conservatives oozed rapturous at the thought of Don Nickles as majority leader. Now Bob Novak says he was the leading traitor behind the tax-cut deal.

These folks can never get things right, can they.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

U.S. media mock Toronto

After what your nation's holier-than-thou rulers screeched about us, you're lucky it's just Toronto.

Posted 7:35 AM by Gene

Robert Mugabe, who would be the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY's favorite leader if Fidel hadn't come first, shows more of his unique nobility.

Posted 7:29 AM by Gene

Okay Howell, which side do we take this time -- the lawyer for terrorists? (In Howell's world, they can only take one side. At least CUNY Law School's dean is taking the right side.)

Posted 7:25 AM by Gene

How long before The Osama Channel and all of Saddam's other media mouths start calling this "the American puppet government in Iraq"?

Listen cretins, you had your home-grown Saddam for over twenty years. That god failed.

Posted 7:22 AM by Gene

Big Bird pens a tell-all.

And despite all those years on Sesame Street, he couldn't do it himself. He needed a ghost.

Posted 7:19 AM by Gene

YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA....

Posted 7:16 AM by Gene

Another rapper makes a successful career move.

Posted 7:11 AM by Gene

Ramsey Clark's Strange Political Odyssey

Ramsey Clark's STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE.

Oh well, he served in LBJ's cabinet with the man Bob "The Crackpot" Dornan always used to call Robert STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE MacNamara. And of course we must not forget the other long-running pestilences to emerge from those disastrous days: Jack the Wizened Prune and Bill "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, I am God" Moyers.

(Don't ask me why that heading appears only on the front page, not the story. Maybe they knew people would make fun of him.)

Posted 7:06 AM by Gene

You can be sure the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY, which could not (and would not) stop Saddam and his evil, will throw a tantrum to end all tantrums that WE will conduct war-crimes trials.

Back in the crib, crybabies.

Posted 6:23 PM by Gene

Really? I thought the war ended weeks ago.

Shows some people are behind the times.

Posted 6:00 PM by Gene

A nation that commits a million abortions a year without second thoughts yet finds it in its soft heart and mushy head to bury its pets in cemeteries, compete with flowers and toys.

Ick.

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

SUVs would be perfectly safe -- as would all automobiles -- if they didn't have one weakness: drivers.

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

The Toady Brothers want to put out an issue of Spy's Greatest Hits.

Can't you let sleeping dogs lie?

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

It's NEWSMAX (and it's also Don "The Tired-Poor-Blooded-Pundit's-Best-Friend" Imus), but here it is: Paul "Conason-of-a-B" Begala gets less face time on CNN, and he likens Dubya to Kim Jong Il.

What are you waiting for, Eason? CANCEL HIM!

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

We still aren't sure what destroyed Columbia, and already NASA wants to send another crew up in one of its orbiting jalopies. PLEASE!

And as proof of their bet-hedging, they haven't named a time. Great.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

RUPERT!!!!!!!!! says Reuters, the "they're not terrorists, they're freedom fighters!" news agency, is "in retreat."

It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of hacks.

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

Oh, OH! File sharing may be legal!

HIT THE ROAD, JACK!

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Rummy says some of the high-mucky-muck ex-Iraqis in custody are talking.

I'll bet they have lots to say.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

Two Navy ships come home!



HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

The tire-necklace lady and ex-wife of the Conscience of the World is sentenced to prison for fraud. How becoming.

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

The story was broken several days ago by the Telegraph, and I'd ignored it in part because of the libel suit, and Andy "Compulsion" S.'s doubts, but now it's starting to smell big-time. If true, this account of how Iraq allegedly paid $10 million to a British MP testifies to one of the greatest outrages since World War II. I'm not sure I wouldn't execute this man for treason.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

The nice thing about the Iraq war is that it kept needless stories like this off the tabloids' front pages. I'd almost be for another war if it would do it again.

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

It's NEWSMAX, but apparently the reporter who quoted Sen. Dennis Day is married to John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's campaign manager.

And let us not forget, the AP (where the reporter works) is run by Curley.

NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

Posted 6:15 AM by Gene

Hmmm, Saddam pulled off at least 66 successful assassinations.

Dyke, you hear that Dyke? Dyke? DYKE!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:12 AM by Gene

Contrary to widely circulated reports, O.J. Simpson said Thursday he won't be the star of a reality television show, but might consider becoming a news commentator for actor Robert Blake's murder trial.

Well, if anyone knows anything about MURDER, it's OJ.

Who ya gonna commentate for, Juice? The Osama Channel?

Posted 6:10 AM by Gene

Hey Rummy, take it from us, you're not the only one who doesn't want the ya-yas running Iraq.

But will the General pull a Carteresque end-around? Here's hoping not.

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Cosseted collegiate eggheads are still applying a jackhammer to the First Amendment. That FIRE (I'm surprised our usually reliable news hacks didn't call the group CONSERVATIVE) is suing Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania, a boonies kind of state school, proves it can happen anywhere.

Sorry Dickie V, this and "glory" go hand in glove.

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

After chasing away untold millions of baseball fans and opening the floodgates of greed (not to mention inventing the SELIG SIGN®), Bud "Zelig" Selig, Bill Gates without the brains, announces he will finally QUIT -- in 2006.

Who's the man who'll be worse than Zelig?

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

Nope, no "glory" here.

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

"I'm not truly embarrassed that, you know, President Bush is from my state, that's not really what I care about....It was the wrong wording with genuine emotion and questions and concern behind it...."

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh....

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

MR. YOU'RE-A-JEW-SO-YOU-DON'T-EXIST IS IN CUSTODY!!!!!

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

Saddam may have executed 300,000 Shi'ites. Meantime, his son Uday lived a life of "heroin, pornography, [and] guns."

Good going, Dyke!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Oooh, a TRIB paper told one of its writers to stop blogging because he was -- COMPETITION. OOOOOOOOoooooooooooh. "There are 325 other people here who could create similar [Web sites] for themselves," the editor screamed. 325 sites to one -- yours. That's no contest.

Another reason not to trust the establishment press.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Gov. Pataki wants to build the Shards fast.

Well, given that the site's still a hole in the ground now, at least the Gov's sending a statement that he won't tolerate inaction much longer.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

MR. YOU'RE-A-JEW-SO-YOU-DON'T-EXIST MAY BE IN CUSTODY!!!!!

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Knowing the JERKS who kowtow to Sum -- er, who write show-biz news, when this hack at the Journals died, the hack at the Times was saying, "Whew! Still safe."

Show-biz news hacks wouldn't report the truth if the Lord God commmanded them to. They'll toady until the last days.

And a hack el supremo celebrates fifty years at that home of empty blurbs, Variety. Army wouldn't last that long now. He'd already have been through three executive jobs.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

A BBC Dyke (that's his last name) blasts FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News and Cheap Channel for -- guess.

Hey Dyke, you were the international voice of the antiwar movement, and one of your former stars is at The Osama Channel. SHUT UP.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

The leftists are laughing: Half of Cuba's population must be informers. Could they be liberated even if they were liberated?

It's so bad there that members of an anti-U.S.-embargo group quit en masse.

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

When someone mentions a "public health crisis" -- in this case, an increase in traffic-ralted deaths -- the cure ends up being worse than the disease. What shall we ever do? Ban SUVs? Ban alcohol? How do we ever get to ZERO traffic deaths, o wizards of public policy?

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

Perhaps all those signs of "Down down U.S.A." and all those true believers butchering their heads prompted it, but a "leading" Iraqi imam seems ready to admit common sense into his newly freed republic. So maybe we won't have QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Variation 72.

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Andy S. is obsessing over Sen. Dennis Day. Maybe he thinks he can pull off another Trent. But then Bill Frist hasn't exactly been the Boy Wonder of the Senate, has he, and even if we get Dennis to resign (and wouldn't that be a politically-correct resignation, Andy? I thought you didn't like those things), we'd still have Sen. Ossified Kleagle. Okay, OKAY Andy, Dennis is a HOMOPHOBE, but if every American were called upon to quit a job for evil thoughts, we'd be all unemployed. Cut the comedy, Andy. You're too good at it.

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

So much of America's public life has become a Hobson's choice. The proposed asbestos trust fund sounds like a boondoggle or fraud in the making, but where we once believed in God, we believe in lawyers. Oh well....

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

The Dilbert of funeral directors has a -- defender?!?

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Another form of Rendelling is to get some big movie star or burgeoning media maven to make a grandiose promise of building a movie studio. Hey, that's the ticket to hiring more high paid janitors, launderers, bellhops...So why is Toronto abandoning its efforts to build one? Mayors who pursue such pipe dreams should ask themselves, do they really need half-block-size warehouses that will sit vacant most the time? We already have too many of those in our ghettos.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

I think we just found Congressman Weathervane a campaign slogan:

TAX 'N' SPEND!! TAX 'N' SPEND!!

Only in the loony land of the Beltway would a man like Weathervane be lauded for boldness, applauded as a hero.

Or as a colleague at Washington Post Magazine wrote, "AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES." (They editorialize, we remind.)

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

Saddam's chief military spy surrenders!

He'll need those worry beads.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

Travel Holiday, a descendant of the long-demolished Curtis empire, is being folded by Hachette (gesundheit!), the Saddam-related French media empire.

You must ask yourself, how many magazines could fold without anyone noticing -- or caring? Half? Three-quarters? I wouldn't want to guess. Travel Holiday's surely one of them, except to its staffers.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

What do Elvis impersonators, catfish health, tattoos, a statue of the Roman god Vulcan, and the Pennsylvania Trolley Museum have in common?

Two guesses. One upper and one lower.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

As we secure the loot in Iraq we should pay mind to a word that begins with the letter C, that goes naturally with oil companies -- besides Cheney.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

Next stop -- Iran?

Also, d'you think the New York Post gave that big play to the story of the larcenous soldiers because one of FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News's employees got caught with some Iraqi loot?

Posted 4:51 PM by Gene

Ka-CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Dickie V, I think we found something less about glory than Hoops City, rrrrrr-in-a-soycle!

Posted 7:00 AM by Gene

La Belle Fatso's facing an unauthorized hatchet job on Showtime (as opposed to her E!!!!! network show, which was authorized). Among the juicier tidbits: "the breast king of Houston" gave her a pair of "stacked" implants, and carrying all that weight around caused so much pain she got addicted to Vicodin. And this charmer: "Anna once slipped [her eighty-something personal U.S. Mint J. Howard] Marshall a Valium when he didn't want to go shopping with her at Harry Winston. Once Marshall 'didn't know where he was,' according to his private nurse, Anna went inside the store and splurged on over $1 million in jewels."

Hardy har har!

Posted 6:56 AM by Gene

Oops! I guess the lure of all that money under Saddam's mattresses was too much for a few.

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

Those that have long thought eBay stock was too expensive have been chronically wrong because the growth has been so strong, says Christa Sober, analyst with Thomas Weisel Partners.

The news hacks' pounding of the table that helped bring on the Internet bubble has not entirely gone away. It will return, when conditions are right -- with a vengeance.

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

THE STRANGE, TWISTED WORLD OF SHOW-BIZ: when a conservative goes after his enemies, it's McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the record industry goes after students, it's profits.

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

VICIOUS HAND-TO-HAND STREET FIGHTING WILL...er, we underestimated the strength of the Shi'ites.

This is the same company that gave us THE BLAME GAME BEGINS and AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES.

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

Through much of radio's history, and in the early days of television, sponsors had the guts to put their names up front: The Texaco Star Theater, The Colgate Comedy Hour, The Admiral Broadway Revue. Now they're doing the same thing -- but they're not upfront. Why? Because (as always) the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers wants to finance junk television -- without taking responsibility for it. We can never hope for even the slightest improvement to the medium (assuming improvement is possible) so long as the members think sponsoring bad TV is an OBLIGATION.

Posted 6:14 AM by Gene

It's official: the Vichys will pay for backing the Nazis.

Posted 6:12 AM by Gene

U. of I. students name 'Deep Throat'

So?

Posted 6:30 PM by Gene

Those who believe Iraq cannot democratize must agree: even a half-democratic Russia is better than the Soviet Union.

Posted 6:26 PM by Gene

Susan Sontag says: "I'm absolutely in favor of military intervention to stop genocide."

And besides, Bill has such sexy eyes.

Posted 6:19 PM by Gene

After Alan's brief brush with mortality, Dubya reaffirms his immortality.

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

Fill in the blank: "Infinity targets testy Stern for mainline advertisers..."

Who don't give a damn about testy listeners.

Posted 5:55 PM by Gene

THE NEWT returns.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Let's give a Bronx cheer to that radio dolt who'll
Sell millions of boxes of his Whole-Grain Total.

(That's a slant rhyme, you see. Slant rhymes give poetry character. I'm the Charles Kuralt of poesy.)

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Another chapter of Profiles in Courage.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Yes, you're right Richard, conservatives have RUPERT!!!!!!!!!! But your side has Pee-tah, and Peter, and Robert "Beat Me" Fisk -- in spades. SHUT UP, RICHARD.

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

In its early manifestations the Ford Thunderbird was one of the most memorable cars ever made. Everyone knows the short sleek look of the beginning, but I like the '58, which made it a real cruising automobile; the '62, the perfect convertible, a vision in ovals; even the '64 with those unique square tail lights. Then the American auto industry started building look-alike clunkers, and the Thunderbird became just another car. Recently Ford tried to revive it, but after the initial "buzz" (I hate that word; it's made for news-hack dishonesty) sales petered out, and now the company's discontinuing it. There'll never be another great looking car -- from Detroit or anywhere else.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Berlin, 1936. Havana, 2012.

How do you say "Sieg Heil" in Spanish?

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

Wee whont zee oilllll! WEE WHONT ZEE OILLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

It's a shame a Frank Loesser isn't around to write, say, "The Ballad of Ronald Young." Welcome home, soldier!

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

I wish I could remember the writer who coined the thought, "Organizations not explicitly conservative will turn liberal over time." Nowhere is this more true than with charitable foundations, founded by frugal, conservative men or their offspring, engaged in loony-leftist social engineering. Think The Ford Foundation for one. (Although to be sure, Henry Ford wasn't conservative, he was an ill-educated reactionary bigot.) So the news that one of the biggest foundations has seen its investments plummet can only be good news.

Posted 7:00 AM by Gene

Thanks, Blogger, for bringing up someone else's page when I click "View Web page"!

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

Another thoughtcrime, about to be duly punished by news hacks.

I find it hard to take Rick Santorum seriously because he looks like Dennis Day -- a boyish, goofy look -- and I expect to hear him break out any moment in "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." Honestly Howells, I think there are more worthy opponents for your zeal. If only they weren't all CONSERVATIVES.

I'm sorry that most of my opening posts are about news hacks, and seem of an obsessive nature, but with news hacks, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

It is true that we helped replace the Shah with the Ayatollah Koo-koomeini, and we could be doing the same thing in Iraq -- but all that talk of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has severely damaged these clowns' ability to be believed.

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

Now Dubya is about to go beyond eeeeeeeeeeeevil: He's going to start his campaign next year around 9/11 anniversary time.

Sic 'em Howell -- with an Augusta! HA HA HA!

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

Let's see: 400,000 Arabs live in metropolitan Detroit. Two men with "photocopies of immigration papers" are being held on suspicion of wanting to blow up a busy Detroit-area bridge.

Nah, no connection.

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

Count on some of Patrick's (would-be) friends to start another TREND: stupid baby-naming.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Another tear-out-your-hair-in-frustration column by Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein. It has become virtually as impossible to get show-biz news hacks and their ad-blurb copywriter brethren to say a bad thing about their biz -- even in the most obvious of circumstances -- as it is impossible to get the loony leftists to say a good thing about Dubya. It's all sales, and doing favors, and hooking that job. I'm tired of getting toadying with my Web surfing.

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

I can think of a few "horse's hindquarters" among your friends.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

NEWS HACKS STRIKE AGAIN: Buried deep in this story about "spoofing" is the implication that the thoughts of one of those "activists" spoofed, a professor with "controversial" "pro-Palestinian views," may not be that different from the faked thoughts on the e-mailed spoofs. Why should reading a simple story require your own detective work? And why must everything news hacks do rely solely on trust?

Posted 7:32 PM by Gene

I can recall when some especially lunkheaded news hacks in Lancaster, P-A did a banner headline calling Carl Lewis LEGENDARY. Well, we all know what happened to LEGENDARY Welch, and now LEGENDARY Lewis has joined him in the annals of dubiousness.

Posted 6:26 PM by Gene

Another kind of Rendelling is to aggressively push for gambling. Gambling will pay for anything and everything. (Ed wanted a riverboat casino here in Philadelphia.) Bankrupts, divorces, suicides -- they're just weaklings. WE NEED THE DOUGH!!!!!

Posted 6:22 PM by Gene

Disney wears the public affronts of its Arthouse Films unit like a badge of honor. So it will be interesting to see what Mickey Mouse Michael does with this one: does he release it through "another company" (as he's done before), or does he take the heat and win himself another badge?

Posted 6:18 PM by Gene

Let me guess: Yes, the show will take the angels' side, and no, the members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers won't pull out, because they desperately want to be "hip." Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Posted 6:13 PM by Gene

The deNazification of Bob "The Crying Cad" Greene begins.

Posted 6:09 PM by Gene

LINE OF THE WEEK, about a Hank Williams Sr. revue (from John Simon, who else?):

There’s not enough cheatin’ heart and way too much bleatin’ throat.

Sorry Mr. Simon, I very much like Hank. But this is still a good line.

Posted 6:01 PM by Gene

PARAGRAPHS OF THE WEEK:

American and European intellectual elites were not moved to action when 182,000 Kurds — a people who trace their history back more than 3,000 years — were slaughtered by Saddam Hussein.

The chattering classes hardly flinched when Saddam drained the wetlands of southern Iraq, destroying the environment of the Marsh Arabs and, with it, a 5,000-year-old way of life.

But now they’ve got their dander up: Iraq’s antiquities have been vandalized.

That the Iraq National Museum was looted is, of course, a tragedy. But isn’t it curious that the same people who now insist that U.S. Marines should have used lethal force to protect cuneiform tablets were, just a few weeks ago, arguing that only non-military actions were appropriate to stop Saddam’s looting of billions of dollars worth of oil wealth — not to mention his mass murders of ancient peoples?

This from a former New York Times correspondent. Must've been too conservative.

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

What does it say that The Disney Network won a ratings slot yesterday with a nearly 50-year-old movie -- The Ten Commandments? It says TV ratings stink, or TV programs stink. Or maybe both.

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

Oh oh! Alan Greenspan may be mortal!

But I guess Wall Street's said the same thing these last few years.

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

The only thing to make the stupids' -- MARTYRS' work complete is a seal of approval from International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S.

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

And speaking of the Barney, it does seem highly odd that any "mainstream" Protestant denomination would convict any minister of anything. After all, Catholic clerics prove you can have a good time wearing a collar.

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Oooooooooh. Six Congressmen live in quarters financed by a secretive Christian group. BAAAAAD.

Now if Barney Frank started a...never mind.

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

Here's news to make my day -- rap: IN TROUBLE! BUT, this is the Boston Globe (A NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY), and if it had any say this junk would be so "edgy" and anti-Semitic and hate-filled -- though it's impossible how it could be any more so -- that it would...win raves from the likes of Renee Graham. QED.

Posted 6:59 AM by Gene

I've a suspicion business travel is to the lower-level executive what Chevy Chase Syndrome (i.e., showing off at the Super Bowl and the Olympics) is to the CEO: a flaunting of purpose and a thorough waste of time and money that doesn't produce anything. Will the world be a worse place with fewer flights? Maybe these paper pushers can get some work done.

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

The time is right. Let's end the sanctions against Iraq now.

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Well, well! Iraq "destroyed" its WMDs before the war began. One could either say likely story or we were right all along. I prefer we were right all along.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

I also wish I knew why the flip side of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and THE BLAME GAME BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is ADVERTISING. The SOLE purpose of this story is to sell a movie. That much is obvious from the mere presence of Jack the Wizened Prune's sidekick Paul Dreck. These stories are as egregious and superfluous as the LALA Times's on the little girl who died from a hospital's errors, and like QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the news hacks won't stop producing them, and THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THEM! That's why people hate news hacks: they're almost always wrong and frequently irresponsible, and neither God nor man can halt the flow of their noxious verbal sludge.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

A town older than Chicago? Like wow.

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

The same nincompoops who find it in their wallets to finance The Osama Channel and Hezbollah TV have actually decided they don't want to fund reality TV? MadAve and its clients need a visit to a psychiatrist. They're supposed to waste money on bad TV. It's their constitutional duty. It's written into their corporate charters. THIS IS UN-AMERICAN!!!!!

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

One reason Ed Rendell is now our governor is that he had a master plan -- to convert every second-tier office building in Philadelphia into apartments. The city's hemorrhaging jobs, so he brings us just what we need -- apartments. Now some clown is about to engage in major-league Rendelling by converting an office complex in Frisco, 88% occupied, into apartments. The neighborhood is said to be (overused news-hack word here) HOT. It's a dumb idea. WHY?

Posted 6:19 AM by Gene

I've said it before, but I wish I knew why news hacks must inflict private tragedies on us. Yes, yes, it's a story about hospital errors, but this ground has been covered before -- remember the teenage girl with the botched transplant at Duke? That wasn't too long ago -- and more such repetitive stories won't prevent more errors or bring back those who died, and there's already enough heartbreak in our lives. This is like piling Ossa on Pelion. We don't need it.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

As a business scandal, HealthSouth is the best of all possible worlds: it combines Enroning, Welching, insider trading, government fleecing, celebrity worship, and a personality cult (sorry hard-core conservatives, NOT JUST COMMUNISTS DO IT). The next time a knee-jerk of the greed persuasion like Jim Glassman chants the code phrase FREE ENTERPRISE, say "Enron." OR "HealthSouth."

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

...The former Iraqi science minister....

Posted 3:34 PM by Gene

Now we've got Saddam's son-in-law!

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

When you make a boo-boo in business, call it a "work in progress."

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

German spies offered help to Saddam in run-up to war

HEIL HITLER!

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

There'll always be an England, and there'll always be a New York Times.

Posted 7:55 AM by Gene

"Ze Unitedd States has 5% of ze glllobal popula-cion, so it's nawt up to zem to manage ze worrrld. Maybe one day zey shood understand and accept zat.

"After all, more peopll in ze worrrrld speak FRRRENCH!"

Posted 7:50 AM by Gene

Now the news hacks have their memo with which to flog a dead horse!

Uh, scribblers, do you think maybe there are more important things to do in war than protecting museums?

Posted 7:40 AM by Gene

The continuing saga of Mata Hari and her sex slaves provides a strong case for implementing the death penalty in the most severe espionage cases. While these traitors are alive, they can still do damage -- even from prison.

Meantime, the Mata appeals to Howell for help. He's above seducing.

Posted 7:32 AM by Gene

The Cannes Film Festival should be a REAL love-in this year: their weasels and ours. The stench could do far more harm than Saddam's WMDs.

Posted 7:27 AM by Gene

Did people yearn for Hitler to return from the bunker? He must have had fans in his hometown too.

Posted 7:25 AM by Gene

Sacked? or executed?

I can hear the cry from Bentonville now: "Execute them! EXECUTE THEM!!!!!" (They never did care for human rights.)

This will happen when a third of our economy is at stake. How did we let Wal-Mart grow so big?

Posted 7:22 AM by Gene

Jack the Wizened Prune gets two million federal bucks (from which corrupt senator?) to make screens flicker so evil pirates can't record their images with camcorders.

Want to bet audiences start complaining of eye strain? Oh, I forgot. Moviegoers are blind.

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

Let us listen very hard when an Iraqi exile criticizes government by Cheney.

Posted 6:00 PM by Gene

In theory, women's skirts and pants with a very low waistline (or in the words of C. David Heymann, Liz Taylor's biographer, garments that begin just above the "dorsal-cleavage" zone) should be a visual feast for sex-starved men like me. Surely if a woman like, say, Lillian Russell in her prime (the 19th-century sex symbol whom Mark Twain said he'd prefer "sleeping with stark naked" over "U. S. Grant in full-dress uniform"), accoutred this way she'd form a train without a caboose. Unfortunately too many women wish to prove that in their accessories women are men with high heels. And a woman's behind is no fun without curves.

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

A CONUNDRUM FOR THE AGES: Saddam Hussein had vile tastes in art -- fantasy-fiction-cover paintings depicting angry big-breasted women slaying dragons. This lizard would embarrass lounge lizards. BUT...fantasy fiction is a division of POP CULTURE. And as tiresome hacks from Ty "MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!" Burr to Robert "Over the" Hilburn to Stephen "Quarter-of-a-Century" Holden NEVER cease to tell us, POP CULTURE is ONE MASTERPIECE AFTER ANOTHER. So...

Let us proclaim Saddam Hussein A PATRON OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

What do Gerhard Schroeder and Sgt. Schultz of Hogan's Heroes have in common?

They know nut-TINK!

Posted 1:45 PM by Gene

If they can't get them from there, there's always the junior highs (yeech).

Posted 12:01 PM by Gene

Ashtrays sculpted to resemble the heads of Pol Pot(R), the infamous 'Brother Number One' of the Khmer Rouge, and 'Brother Number Three' Khieu Samphan(L) are seen on a shop shelf in this file photo taken March 5, 2003. The ashtrays, the brainchild of an enterprising Phnom Penh shopkeeper, sell for $3.80 each and are designed to remind the international community that the surviving leaders of the ultra-Maoist regime have yet to stand trial for the genocide of 1.7 million Cambodians.

Maybe International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S. can buy some and hand them out as gifts during their next Bush=Hitler rally.

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

How many times do I have to SAY it, Dickie V, IT'S NOT FOR THE GLOOOOOOOORYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Posted 9:59 AM by Gene

Saddam's little gift to the peace movement: By eliminating all traces of WMDs he'd cue the weenies and the Howells to scream the war was unjustified. But how to explain all those missing POWs? I still think a government-in-exile is possible, but a more likely thought is Saddam and his henchmen knew a bad thing when they saw it.

Posted 7:09 AM by Gene

And we've got a man with keys to the mattresses.

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

I don't know which is funnier: That Howard "Gay Marriage and Only Gay Marriage" Dean polls 19 percent (once 22 percent!) in New Hampshire, or that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry has the lead.

Either way, it's a laff riot for the Republicans.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Our soldiers find $650 million stuffed under one of Saddam's mattresses.

Posted 7:02 PM by Gene

THE MAN needn't worry; he knows instinctively AOL will cover for him.

Posted 7:00 PM by Gene

If we have trouble with Arabic, think of the trouble we could have with Korean.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

AS PREDICTED, Howell is looking for a smoking gun, and he's brought in Ed Meese's name for that extra soupcon of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. I don't like these well-heeled Cheneyesque Bakeresque we'll-do-anything-for-a-buck firms either, but there may be no avoiding them in rebuilding Iraq. Besides, if you want scandal, harken back an administration.

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

In another New York Post story that should be slugged "ADVERTISEMENT," a certain shock jock -- you know, the one whose friend called up CNN during the LAX shooting as an eyewitness, claiming the shootist yelled, "ARTIE STOLE MY JOB"? -- anyway, a CERTAIN SHOCK JOCK spouts off about the FCC. Which reminds us: it's been seven months and GENERAL JR. hasn't done a thing about Opie and Anthony, or Twilight Zon, or Viacom. What's up, Gen? Preparing to issue that $10,000 fine?

Posted 3:44 PM by Gene

Only in Washington does treason pay so well. Or rather that form of treason called high-powered lawyering. The hard-heartedness on display at many of Washington's "finest" firms would break drill bits on oil wells; precisely this sort of unspeakable pragmatic money-grubbing forces you to view Dick Cheney from the corner of your eye. Of course Papa's aide-de-camp the "Honorable" Jim Baker is among the enemy Saudis' friends. Here's one reason we can't celebrate too hard about winning in Iraq, proper and just though it was; we won for elements of a ruling class that would scotch the whole thing if the retainer was right.

Posted 3:26 PM by Gene

Forbes has run a series of its patented puff pieces about eBay, much as Business Week ran puff pieces about GE before one of its most "talented" writers got a job transcribing Legendary Welch's excuses -- memoirs. From a strictly knee-jerk conservative standpoint (and from a business standpoint too) it's a phenomenal success; this relic of the Internet bubble is here to stay. On the other hand, having shopped many times on eBay, I feel at best an ambiguous relationship to it, one that can sour into thoughts of homicide. I like getting things at a discount, but there's a lot of greed for sale, and every time you bid you're going into a jungle, and it's easy to get sniped, or nibbled to death -- or scammed; and eBay's customer service makes Mickey D's look like a paragon of excellence. eBay may be here to stay, but it may not be here to be liked. I can't believe Meg "Pronounced 'Mug'" Whitman's hubris won't come back some day to haunt her -- as with her former boss Mickey Mouse Michael. Some people do lead charmed lives. But then, so did Mickey Mouse Michael.

Posted 3:18 PM by Gene

A lot of news hacks are jumping up and down with glee over the anti-U.S. protest in Baghdad. There are no doubt many Saddam sympathizers left in Iraq, and there are lots of Muslims. Peace will be hard, but not as hard as if we hadn't fought the war in the first place.

Posted 9:59 AM by Gene

An Iraqi envoy gives up the...er, ghost.

Posted 9:42 AM by Gene

The opaque Chinese Communist Party vows a "transparent" war on SARS.

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

Could John "The Candidate" Edwards campaign without help from his fellow lawyers?

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

So the Feds take care of ONE porn spammer. A hundred new weeds will grow in his place.

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Whatsa matter, Al? Got something to hide?

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

They waged war against our war. Now they're waging war against our peace.

JACQUEASSES.

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

He's here! He's there! He's EVERYWHERE!

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

First, it fires 1,000 in its music business. Now Sony is "cutting costs" in movies.

Why did Akio Morita get into these businesses? Synergy?

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

More evidence linking Saddam to terrorists. Can there be any doubt now?

Nonetheless, if the Howells have their way, all we'll ever think about is their @#$%^& museum.

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

In his 28 years at Westbury High School, first as a teacher and then as principal, Pless Dickerson has shown a knack for connecting with teens, former students say.

Maybe that's the problem. Where we should be educating, we're "connecting."

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

Next time, if we really want to make an impact, let's protest around the WTC site. Then we'll make the case for moral equivalence!

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

Astonishing that a story like this can be printed without the magical H word popping up: HOMOPHOBIA.

But then by turning AIDS from a public-health problem to a political story, news hacks helped worsen the epidemic. Thanks as always for your perfect wisdom!

Posted 7:52 PM by Gene

FLASH! "TERRORISM THREATS AND HOSTILITIES CAUSE STRESS!"

Where would we be without PR Newswire?

Posted 7:48 PM by Gene

UN Inspectors Could Be Back in Iraq in Weeks, Blix Says

Oh, NO! Back to square one!

Posted 6:05 PM by Gene

In fairness though, ArtsJournal also found this one: You'd think with bar codes on every book somebody could tally publishing sales the way SoundScan compiles record sales. Instead we're stuck with thirty best-seller lists using twenty different methodologies -- and tons of book-business PR. WHY?

Posted 6:01 PM by Gene

The clowns who choose ArtsJournal's stories always look for one designed to make you mad for no reason, and today they chose a dinger. To wit: About two-thirds of all movies are R-rated, but they turn in less than a third of the total box office. So what does some movie-ad-blurb copywriting IMBECILE essentially want? He wants more R-rated movies -- because they're "EDGIER"!!!!!

Since news hacks are NEVER wrong (like Michael Moore), it NEVER occurs to them (especially after Iraq) that they're NEVER wrong about practically EVERYTHING.

Posted 5:55 PM by Gene

Bill and Mike Magazine must be running out of bytes when one of its staffers writes a long piece about TV-news theme music.

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

Sounds like the Beltway Sniper Jr. misses his rifle.

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Already I can hear Howell screaming, "What's with Bush and Bechtel? WHAT'S WITH BUSH AND BECHTEL?!?"

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

No doubt partly inspired by Eason Jordan (and Ted) HBO has postponed Oliver "Conspiracy Theory" Stone's hagiography of Castro until it can get away with it.

What? You show umpteen variations of EW! YUCK! GROSS!, and you won't show THIS?!?!?

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

In other news cribbed from Romenesko, news hacks in Washington State staged an arson.

Why didn't you burn down the paper?

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

Idiot news hacks will go so far in winning the Pulitzer they'll put footnotes in their stories.

Next: Cliff's Notes for newspapers.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

A NASCAR fan faces up to a year in prison for flooding Fox Entertainment with more than a half-million e-mails because he was angry the network aired a Boston Red Sox game instead of an auto race....

Sounds like a Freeper.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Michael "I am God" Moore, who is never wrong, says the Human Error Network amplified the booing in its clip of his Oscar® acceptance speech.

What? Someone has a louder mouth than YOU?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

"How US Media Served War Propaganda,"
STEEEEEEEEERIKE ONE!
written by Rob Kennedy of Deutsche Presse-Agentur,
STEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO!
and posted on Arab News.
STEEEEEEEEERIKE THREE YERRRRROUT!!!!!

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

After Eason's confession and the deaths of Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope and the Pope AOL should rename CNN the Human Error Network.

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Was the ignoble tragedy that wiped the smile off our victory (and put a grin on Howell), the looting of Iraq's National Museum, an inside job? Or an outside inside job?

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

Hey, with Bill the Entomologist, King Richard, spam, flame mail, DOS attacks, pop-up ads and Debka, you aren't missing much.

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

TRENT LOTT FOR SENATE MAJORITY LEADER!

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

Once again, Dickie V, IT'S NOT GLORY: the newly-crowned head coach at NC wants some of his Kansas recruits to follow.

Kansas, North Carolina, it's just a uniform, right?

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

Faced with KABOOM!, an Arab dictatorship turns on a dime.

Posted 6:19 AM by Gene

I think the New York pols have a good idea. Tax Honorary Mayor Mike alone and you solve the state's and the city's budget woes.

Posted 6:14 AM by Gene

Once again, Dickie V, college is not about glory: Texas A&M will offer engineering degrees in the enemy petroleum-company-governed poobahdom of CATARRH, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.

Posted 6:10 AM by Gene

The Chinese Mata Hari wrecked several of our spying operations.

Meantime, news hacks have found an angle: They're playing up that she was a REPUBLICAN FUNDRAISER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

It's a wonder someone didn't think of this scam before -- printing fake bar codes to slap on store items. Naturally, "anti-capitalist" (i.e., Bush=Hitler) "activists" seem most enthusiastic for it. They should be; you have to economize when you live under a rock.

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Now Italy wants Abu Abbas. Yeah. We extradite him to Italy, they extradite him to freedom. They've done it before.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Sumner renames TNN Spike TV. As in Jones? Or DOG?? Down, Sumner!

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

When Artie Sulzberger JR. says his paper will continue to report the news "without fear or favor," he really means: HOWELL IS A LAW UNTO HIMSELF!

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

More evidence the war worked: a prominent Egyptian dissident told a Chicago audience, "All dictators [are now] on notice that if they do not reform, they will be subject to similar unpleasant predicaments like Saddam Hussein.''

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Now it's official we've won the war; Gov has lowered the terror alert to yellow.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

Vocal mellifluousness in broadcast announcers is inversely proportional to physical attractiveness. So this story says. Although in my experience ugly voices and ugly faces go together. Remember the most irritating promo man in TV history, the late Ernie "The Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuve Boat" Anderson? A fat slob. And if I were a woman I wouldn't want to be on a blind date with Casey "Shaggy" "Mondayat87centralonNBCeeeeeeee" "My Religion Right or Wrong and Never Wrong" Kasem. (Not that he's mellifluous; he's closer to miseriferous.)

Posted 8:13 AM by Gene

Nirvana comes to conservatives: Pfizer is now one of the world's largest corporations by market cap.

Today, Viagra, tomorrow...brave new world!

Posted 8:01 AM by Gene

The right hand of the right-hand party doesn't know what the left hand of the right-hand party is doing.

We're lucky Sen. Frist is leaving that august outhouse, otherwise someone might have to root through his closets.

Posted 8:00 AM by Gene

Yet more evidence that corporate sports sponsorship is a waste of money. If an ever-bigger chunk of Kemper's money weren't going into the purse it would still sponsor this golf tournament. There comes a time when sanity must override vanity.

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

A flight risk? I'd worry she'd seduce another FBI agent.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Experiments on Monkeys Zero in on SARS Cause

I'm surprised Howell isn't complaining they're experimenting on monkeys.

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

AFTRA, the union of $1 million-an-episode non-actors and $1 million-a-year local news 'dos, is boycotting Cheap Channel in New York.

The war begins! ha ha ha.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

It's not $10 million for Slick or $8 million for Ms. Rodham, but the Diz's deal with Karenna has a typical -- smell.

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

Come hell or high water, we'll tell the cowboys how to run the peace.

Sez who?

Posted 6:36 AM by Gene

The networks are going back to sitcoms full-bore.

Network executives like beating their heads against the wall. That's how they get so intelligent.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

The League of Nations's stand (no doubt): The Palestinians say Abu Abbas's arrest violates the Camp David accords.

Leaving aside that they were signed by the Willie, someone must tell the Palis again and again:

YOUR SIDE LOST.

Posted 6:52 PM by Gene

Yahoo's losing Koogle
'Cause people like Google.

Or something.

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

The same pretentious overrated school that brought us "a million Mogadishus" is preparing an encore tomorrow -- starring Edward Said!

Posted 6:32 PM by Gene

If the war in Iraq brought one leading terrorist to justice, it was right.

And we got a big one.

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

People aren't sneering at the thought of recalling Gray Davis anymore.

Posted 6:12 PM by Gene

AS I'VE SAID, open your mouths, celebrities, and you close our wallets.

And this is Sumner's VH1 talking.

Posted 6:04 PM by Gene

Sieg errr....

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

HEADLINE OF THE DAY:

Cheesecakes Recalled for Undeclared Nuts

Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

Despite the most intense efforts of Catholic leaders to bury their heads in the sand, the priests-'n'-pedophilia scandal just won't quit.

Posted 5:57 PM by Gene

The weenie Sen. Fitzgerald from Illinois decides not to seek hereditary status -- er, reelection.

BRING BACK CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN!

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

Burger King's in worse shape than McDonald's. Despite new ownership trying to fix it up I wonder if the burger chains are so undifferentiated, are so linked by their gastronomic mediocrity and bad upkeep and obsessive advertising, as to all be in permanent decline. (Wendy's has escaped this by going upscale, but a few false steps by Uncle Dave's survivors and they'll be in the leaky S. S. Hamburger too.)

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

David Duke begins federal prison sentence

And not a moment too soon.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

I'm shocked! SHOCKED! A "Christian" rock band uses four-letter words and takes Christ's name in vain during an Entertainment Weekly (or EW!) interview. "Christian" music has become just another avenue for no-talents who'd otherwise be playing the Great White circuit to get a contract and exposure; their Christianity is a gimmick, just like the bumps and grinds of the overaged strippers who taught Gypsy Rose. But then ever since the hack Ralph Carmichael created the world of junk Christian pop with its equivocal, secular lyrics and sappy sing-songy melodies ("Youuuuuuuuuuu liiiiiiiiiiiight up myyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiiiife....") the music has been in a downward spiral. Taking a few lousy records off the Christian bookstores' shelves won't solve the rot at its heart. As for cynics who will say the band did it to get greater exposure, they're getting greater exposure in a lesser market. (Linked on Romenesko; I might not have found it otherwise. Thanks for once, Jim!)

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

The HERO of the LA rebellion does it again.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Eason Jordan digs his hole deeper and deeper.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

The first phone call after the divorce.

Posted 4:56 PM by Gene

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

It's The Washington Times, but it seems CNN got its news on Iraq from The Loudmouth.

If this weren't a CONSERVATIVE story Eason Jordan would resign.

Posted 6:19 AM by Gene

The news hacks anoint another hero in academe.

Don't these idiots realize by turning their parchments into preachments they risk the livelihoods of thousands of printers and secretaries and truck drivers and delivery people who don't earn six digits and the right to plant their feet on their desks all day? And with their huge losses of recent years these quack pseudo-religionists should be the last to take their readers for granted.

Posted 6:14 AM by Gene

Days after Steve "Sumner" Jobs announces he wants to rule the universe (or at least the Universal Music), here comes an inconvenient report charging his company honors the Arab boycott of Israel. I guess in the Arab world "Think Different" means thinking like everyone else.

Next time, Steve, follow IBM's old motto: "Think."

Posted 6:08 AM by Gene

Roy Williams celebrates his loss in the College Basketball for Dummies final by taking the job at NC.

Wasn't it a "dream job" for the last guy too?

Posted 6:05 AM by Gene

They were looking for Robert Fisk! (chuckle chuckle)

Posted 6:03 AM by Gene

I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY

Tell that to the judge.

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

Tim Russert did pop the question to Rummy -- is Cuba next? -- and he said no, but didn't completely rule it out.

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

THE AP PUBLICIZES WWW.WELOVETHEIRAQIINFORMATIONMINISTER.COM!!!!!

I KID YOU NOT!

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

You could say he was guilty as sinning with 72 virgins.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

What's wrong with this, Vichys? It's just the Bastille all over again.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Justice Kennedy -- a liberal -- speaks out against choosing Federal judges based on "litmus tests"? Hmmmm.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

First, it's war movies. Next, it's musicals. Next, it'll be historical pageants. Everything Hollywood touches turns to dud. Why make such movies knowing they've already been made, the old ones are far better, and the new ones will irredeemably stink?

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Here's one (perhaps the only) instance of the antiwar kooks getting it right: why must Tony Blair lick up to RUPERT?

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

So much for Hollywood's conservative TRUE BELIEVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

How debased have we come when we shrug our shoulders like the Vichys at AK-47s in schools?

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Proof the BBC is biased: Frank "The Gliberal" Rich loves it, giving the FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS motto as the reason.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Well whadya know? Some investors are alleging AOL bigwigs engaged in insider trading. How else could they have engineered the deal of the ages?

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

The "major combat" is over, in far less than the months, years, decades, centuries, millennia so many predicted.

Posted 7:02 AM by Gene

The Three Stooges don't get the laughs the way they used to. Especially from soccer moms.

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

As is painfully clear from the story of a writer who discovered "the other side," America's effete snobs have built themselves a Berlin Wall of the mind to protect their ignorance.

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

A true-believing hack who ghosted Paul "Ol' Man Stalin" Robeson's autobiography has died.

No doubt what he left out was far more than he put in.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

Unless he gets his monopolistic -- er, competitive juices flowing soon, the Feds may view John "The Don" Malone's media company as a mutual fund.

A Mafia boss running a mutual fund? That's a laugh.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

"For those who care intelligently about the security of the country, it's just not safe yet to vote Democratic."

Will it ever be?

Posted 6:45 PM by Gene

As the great Jack Paar would say, "I kid you not": Here's a web site called www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com.

Amazing!

Posted 1:04 PM by Gene

"Cattle prods, branding irons, meathooks and manacles...."

Posted 1:02 PM by Gene

Death can concentrate a soldier's mind wonderfully. Especially when he doesn't want to fight.

Posted 12:50 PM by Gene

Powell: Iraqis will choose their own leaders

Let us hope the Iraqis have leaders to choose from.

Posted 12:30 PM by Gene

The longer the Pope lingers, the more his reputation suffers. With his stern challenge of European communism he was one of the few heroes of recent history, but in the last year he went stone deaf over pedophilia among his American clerics, and then he came out with the antiwar nuts. Now, with Iraq decided, the Pope speaks in platitudes. John Paul seems unable to realize no Pope can speak with authority on war after the Vatican's shameful reticence during the Holocaust. This is the tragedy of a man ossifying in office.

Posted 12:13 PM by Gene

The friend of Mr. Arrogant Blunder and Co. also had his own Stasi.

Posted 11:07 AM by Gene

Another reason I could scream at liberals (and why the antiwar protestors will protest until hell freezes over): Conservatives mustn't have a "litmus test," but liberals can. Only they needn't call it a litmus test.

This from the mouth of John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh" Kerry, who's established himself in short order as one of the most conniving men in American politics.

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

This thoroughly disproves the cliche that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Posted 9:15 AM by Gene

Sports hacks like the multi-millionaire "Morrie" "Conversations with Myself" Albom (apologies to Bill Evans) are screaming McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at Baseball's Hall of Fame. To which I say, look at Mr. Arrogant Blunder, then look to Augusta National, and then SHUT UP.

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

NewsMax (no one else seems to be reporting this) states that we've captured less than a third of the number of POWs we detained during Gulf War I. Mr. Arrogant Blunder of Newsweak would say the soldiers are in hiding. I say The Iraqis had no fight in them.

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

"AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES."

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Gen. Garner (remember that name) gets off to the right start. I just hope his offer doesn't include Democrats (chuckle chuckle).

Posted 7:42 AM by Gene

Shucks, here we stick our necks out for one of the greatest causes in American history, Howell, and what does it get us? A crowd of maybe 100? A congresspoop named Maloney? We were supposed to storm the gates of Augusta National with our righteous indignation! Even Je$$e didn't show! What happened? One thing's foreordained: we'll never read about it in the Times.

Posted 7:37 AM by Gene

I wonder if SuperRummy gave thought to looting before the operation. The sooner we get a handle on it the less damage to our aims. Trouble is, this seems to be far down his agenda.

Posted 7:32 AM by Gene

Why shouldn't Broadway talk to itself? It has no one else to talk to.

Posted 7:31 AM by Gene

Now it's a "template server." Is there a day when something doesn't go wrong with Blogger?

Here's betting publishing isn't restored until tomorrow -- or maybe Tuesday. Or maybe -- I can't even get my page up. This will be a long time fixing itself. (We can't count on Google's three interns doing anything.)

Posted 8:05 PM by Gene

Guess which of the AXIS OF LOSERS helped Saddam gain intelligence.

Hint: it wasn't France. It wasn't Germany. It wasn't even Belgium. Guess.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

Given the newly-marrieds' native lands I'd say the groom was the commoner.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

What happened to the National Museum of Iraq is very sad, but to keep things in perspective (a word Howell hates: perspective), Saddam Hussein pillaged his people for over two decades.

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

Howell gets exercised over imported fluid-filled yo-yos.

Hey Howell, how many people have been injured by delivery people throwing the Sunday Times on their stoops?