THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I find small talk difficult. Does that make me a genius with Asperger's?
Buried in a Michael Ledeen commentary on NRO is this juicy little morsel about the koo-koomeinis next door to Iraq (and I found it only after surfing littlegreenfootballs.com):
(Revolutionary Guards officers were recently informed that a nuclear test is in the works later this summer)
The liberation of Iran is next!
(Revolutionary Guards officers were recently informed that a nuclear test is in the works later this summer)
The liberation of Iran is next!
With the way the kids run the professional college basketball teams it's a wonder more head coaches don't turn to drink.
I don't think this is Glory City, Dickie V!
I don't think this is Glory City, Dickie V!
Now Saddam -- whatever's left of him -- is turning to pen-palling, just like his comrade-in-arms Osama.
Anything for a job.
Anything for a job.
Loudmouth, who tried unsuccessfully to turn himself in to U. S. forces in Iraq, is being offered a job on a satellite-TV station in Dubai!
You're on your way to stand-up-comedy stardom!
You're on your way to stand-up-comedy stardom!
The knives are being sharpened: Former Warners and now Yahoo! exec Terry Semel's being rumored as a replacement for Mickey Mouse Michael.
Somebody! ANYBODY!!
Earth-to-Corporate-Board-Members Alert: This company puts out cinematic trash -- and the board's worried it runs reality TV? The next time you reflect on the stock price maybe you'd better head to the nearest mirror.
Somebody! ANYBODY!!
Earth-to-Corporate-Board-Members Alert: This company puts out cinematic trash -- and the board's worried it runs reality TV? The next time you reflect on the stock price maybe you'd better head to the nearest mirror.
Sumner Lays an Egg? Some high-profile rags have turned down the chance to run excerpts from Sen. Rodham's excus -- memoirs. If they don't want to print them, why should we want to read them?
If this means getting five thousand Devins to write a hundred thousand plugs, NEWSPAPERS DON'T NEED MORE "BUZZ."
An amazing story: hundreds of worms sent up on Columbia have been found -- alive.
To be precise, their great or great-great-grandchildren. Amazing.
To be precise, their great or great-great-grandchildren. Amazing.
Rep. Curt Weldon has a point. And the point is ultimately this: yes, the Russians were @#$%^& on Iraq -- and they also have the world's second largest arsenal of nukes. A good reason to keep a calm head.
More holy cockroaches -- trapped! In Pakistan.
Including the possible mastermind of the USS Cole bombing.
Including the possible mastermind of the USS Cole bombing.
Libya has "accepted responsibility" for the Lockerbie bombing. Whether this is true contrition or mere Yasserspeak remains to be seen.
It's not a hopeful sign when Libya issues a statement via Reuters.
It's not a hopeful sign when Libya issues a statement via Reuters.
Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Grant Tinker.
Wrongo, Brian. Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Alfred E. Neuman. If you could get it to work right.
Wrongo, Brian. Try to design a TV executive from scratch and the prototype would resemble Alfred E. Neuman. If you could get it to work right.
Bill the Entomologist, fresh from daydreaming of Universal Music domination, wants to take over our newspapers.
Go for it, Bill! If anyone can get fewer people to read papers, YOU can.
Go for it, Bill! If anyone can get fewer people to read papers, YOU can.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Here's an oddball (and expected) juxtaposition on USA Okay's Web site: a story from Curley (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) headlined that Sen. Dennis Day's "leadership job" is "not in peril" (with that sly manner of today's Goebbelses in implying that his job is in peril), followed by another headline (to another story from Curley) that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's "regime change" remarks are "just a quip."
In the magical, mystical world of news hacks even the most innocent of things becomes grounds for suspicion. And news hacks are the last people I'd call innocent.
In the magical, mystical world of news hacks even the most innocent of things becomes grounds for suspicion. And news hacks are the last people I'd call innocent.
Says one of the "stars" of The Real Cancun in a vicious two-page "ADVERTISEMENT"-sluggable suck-up by some overly ambitious apparatchik named Stein, the Devin of AOL Time Warner Magazine: "I'd rather be known for this instead of being smart or something....There's a million people who are smart. There's only 16 of us who were in Cancun together."
Which may be nine more than went to see the movie.
KING RICHARD!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TO DROP AMERICA ONLINE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?!?!?
Which may be nine more than went to see the movie.
KING RICHARD!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US TO DROP AMERICA ONLINE SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT?!?!?
Warren Buffett Media Company may take over Dow, Jones!
What happened to that company is a story of unimaginable catastrophe, and though I hold the Journals in low regard for their Certs (or unlobotomized schizophrenic) view of the news, the company's still a big force, and should be, testimony to the grand human spirit of perseverance. But the company thought the way to redo its biz was to give the Journals a facelift, and that didn't work because they didn't need it, it was their Skull-and-Bones-exclusive Web site. I don't know how to fix the Journals other than to have them give up Certs, but do that and Al Hunt or Paul Gigot throws a tantrum to end all tantrums (though the news hacks will only hear that overexposed punditface Hunt out, natch), and there's blood on the floor an inch thick. The next best step is to fix the Internet approach: stop charging for the news, and instead start a premium-priced real-time subscription service based solely on statistics that would be to the Web what the Bloomberg Box is to stock brokerages, with an emphasis on broadband customers. That would bring ad revenues into the Journals in droves, plus you could make bigger bucks dispensing financial stats. Without boldness I see more floundering, as Dow, Jones has done for years.
What happened to that company is a story of unimaginable catastrophe, and though I hold the Journals in low regard for their Certs (or unlobotomized schizophrenic) view of the news, the company's still a big force, and should be, testimony to the grand human spirit of perseverance. But the company thought the way to redo its biz was to give the Journals a facelift, and that didn't work because they didn't need it, it was their Skull-and-Bones-exclusive Web site. I don't know how to fix the Journals other than to have them give up Certs, but do that and Al Hunt or Paul Gigot throws a tantrum to end all tantrums (though the news hacks will only hear that overexposed punditface Hunt out, natch), and there's blood on the floor an inch thick. The next best step is to fix the Internet approach: stop charging for the news, and instead start a premium-priced real-time subscription service based solely on statistics that would be to the Web what the Bloomberg Box is to stock brokerages, with an emphasis on broadband customers. That would bring ad revenues into the Journals in droves, plus you could make bigger bucks dispensing financial stats. Without boldness I see more floundering, as Dow, Jones has done for years.
Speaking of megalomania, Eric Alterman goes on and on and on about Slick Willie's loose samurai sword, the despicable Sidney Blumenthal, and I would not take note but for the good line he gets off about Walter Winchell: "That famous Internet typist."
There seem to be quite of few of them, though, last I noticed.
There seem to be quite of few of them, though, last I noticed.
MEGALOMANIA'S BACK AT THE OLYMPICS!
I can't wait for our national show of ATTITUDE.
I don't think this is about glory EITHER, Dickie V!
I can't wait for our national show of ATTITUDE.
I don't think this is about glory EITHER, Dickie V!
"It has been a brutal couple of years economically for newspapers."
Well let's see, Bill, first you give us mountains of junk news in a sleepwalk before the biggest single news story since we atom-bombed Japan hits you and us on the head with a two-by-four, then you give us QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, then you try giving us more junk news, then you give us more QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meantime the Web is eating your lunch and -- You expect us to pay for YOUR news, Billy?
Well let's see, Bill, first you give us mountains of junk news in a sleepwalk before the biggest single news story since we atom-bombed Japan hits you and us on the head with a two-by-four, then you give us QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, then you try giving us more junk news, then you give us more QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meantime the Web is eating your lunch and -- You expect us to pay for YOUR news, Billy?
That's a good line, Jerry! Calling the Dixie Chicks "French hens"! Why did it have to be you, Jerry?
Iraqi lawyer who helped rescue Jessica Lynch granted asylum
Good for him! And good for our government to recognize this brave gentleman's actions.
Good for him! And good for our government to recognize this brave gentleman's actions.
For the first time since The Willie, a suspicious-sounding business transaction involving China gets a second look by our government.
Imagine The Cleaning Lady and Uncle Bernie all over this one!
Imagine The Cleaning Lady and Uncle Bernie all over this one!
"It's difficult to hear this story without smirking."
One suspects in the Guardian's case the smirking owes less to the lead singer showing up drunk and rolling on the floor (and the fans suing for damages) than to the band's (get ready) "ANTI-ABORTION LYRICS." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Take out that business and it's difficult to hear this story without smirking.
One suspects in the Guardian's case the smirking owes less to the lead singer showing up drunk and rolling on the floor (and the fans suing for damages) than to the band's (get ready) "ANTI-ABORTION LYRICS." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Take out that business and it's difficult to hear this story without smirking.
Let us hope the Arab nations can be shamed, but I wonder; their peoples have backed Hitler for going on seventy years.
Oooooooooooh, one of Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) hacks is suggesting TINY TOM may not win reelection -- because of his courageous stand on the war?!? Shocking.
General JR. is starting to show his true colors again, as we always expected he would: mostly GREEN.
Big Al's campaign is doomed. Rep. Harold Ford of Tennessee is backing -- John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry.
Give him a broadside, Al! Honky! JEW-LOVER!!
Give him a broadside, Al! Honky! JEW-LOVER!!
With our move to CATARRH we effectively end our military presence in Saudi Arabia.
Goodbye and good riddance. Just hope the yayas don't get the weapons we've given them when they overturn the ruling poohbahs.
Goodbye and good riddance. Just hope the yayas don't get the weapons we've given them when they overturn the ruling poohbahs.
Monday, April 28, 2003
"We're not going to pay for [the] elimination of nuclear weapons programs that never should have been there in the first place."
How refreshingly different from The Willie.
How refreshingly different from The Willie.
This is what the Legendary Welch crowd, the great mass of corporate Babbitts, calls "progress": Turn every last acre of farmland into Mallopia, and then plunk people down in cars on highways for hours to get there. It is not progress to build in inner cities, or let people work and shop close to home, or to spend on mass transit (the hard-core conservative has a word for that: BOONDOGGLE), but it is progress to destroy our cities, ruin our meadows, waste our resources, and injure our psyches -- all in the damfool name of "progress."
(And how appropriate that Little Jeffrey, whose company screamed out of New York to escape NIG -- er, taxes, is among the Forbes slideshow's sponsors.)
(And how appropriate that Little Jeffrey, whose company screamed out of New York to escape NIG -- er, taxes, is among the Forbes slideshow's sponsors.)
We would all want to be nude all the time if God had made us all look like Botticelli's Venus, or Michelangelo's David, but sorry, I suspect He had a reason for aging -- and for not covering us with fur.
The publishing industry's version of bondage: When will someone tell these high-powered clowns that practically every big-ticket ghosted autobiography of the last twenty years (which is to say, every big-name autobiography) has bombed? Who wants to read someone skim over his life -- in someone else's words? (And with Sen. Rodham, that pronoun definitely applies.)
THE MAN, with help from King Richard, tried to fight Internet piracy. Well guess what happened HA HA HA HA HA!
We'll see. I get more spam on my Hotmail account than anywhere else, and I've noticed they spammers have been upping the volume on Yahoo! -- and these companies and AOL say they're fighting spam? WE'LL SEE.
The bad news: McDonald's profits were up, largely on currency valuations. The good news: same-store sales were down -- again.
I don't want to mock the many tens of thousands of dedicated Mickey D employees, but between your company and GM, you spend far more time with your damfool advertising than you do on the product, and so long as you do that you deserve lower sales.
I don't want to mock the many tens of thousands of dedicated Mickey D employees, but between your company and GM, you spend far more time with your damfool advertising than you do on the product, and so long as you do that you deserve lower sales.
Another dark day for hard-core conservatives: Not only will America's leading stockbrokers have to pay a $1.4 billion settlement for touting dubious stocks, the Feds have banned the superdupersalesmen -- er, analysts Jack Grubman and Henry Blodget from the biz.
I can hear the Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassmen now: WHO TOLD INVESTORS THEY HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM??? I say, WHO TOLD THESE SUPERDUPERSALESMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONFLICTS OF INTEREST THAT BORDERED ON THE CRIMINAL???
I can hear the Jim "Dow 36,000" Glassmen now: WHO TOLD INVESTORS THEY HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM??? I say, WHO TOLD THESE SUPERDUPERSALESMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONFLICTS OF INTEREST THAT BORDERED ON THE CRIMINAL???
THE GLIBERAL STRIKES AGAIN: Howell instructs him (or better still, The Gliberal instructs himself; he knows what Howell thinks, and he thinks it too) to call that @#$%^& museum looting a "catastrophe" that without a doubt (Frank's too much the shyster writer to say it out loud) thoroughly VOIDS our victory. Gliberal, you're not that original: this is just another case of -- QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I repeat, American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers: Does America need four full-time over-the-air commercial TV networks?
If our purpose is to finance bad TV and rub our corporate power in people's faces, or if you're Bill "The Mensa Man" Carter, the answer is obvious.
If our purpose is to finance bad TV and rub our corporate power in people's faces, or if you're Bill "The Mensa Man" Carter, the answer is obvious.
Oh, boy: We're moving air operations to CATARRH, the state-oil-company-run poobahdom, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.
What's the diff between CATARRH and Saudi Arabia? CATARRH's a lot smaller.
What's the diff between CATARRH and Saudi Arabia? CATARRH's a lot smaller.
Wait a second! Mr. You're-a-Jew-So-You-Don't-Exist says he's alive.
I like that fourth paragraph though. Always trying to revive QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last I heard people were tearing down Saddam posters.
I like that fourth paragraph though. Always trying to revive QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last I heard people were tearing down Saddam posters.
Siiiiiiigggggghhhhhh, the mouthpiece of the faux-Christians who've condemned untold children to death with their quack healing theories paints Corrie and Company as martyrs.
It appears the faux-Christians don't care if they put their paper out of business and hundreds of decent people out of jobs. THEY'D RATHER BE RIGHT.
It appears the faux-Christians don't care if they put their paper out of business and hundreds of decent people out of jobs. THEY'D RATHER BE RIGHT.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Great. Two Peronists -- one the former president Carlos Menem, who sued the New York Times for libel after it implicated him in a coverup of the Jewish Community Center bombing -- will duel in a runoff in Argentina.
The only difference I see is, will it be 200-percent inflation, or 300 percent?
The only difference I see is, will it be 200-percent inflation, or 300 percent?
And then there are the Olympics, which aren't helped by the news that LEGENDARY Lewis did performance-enhancing dope. Figures.
Not too long ago, reading a headline like "Millwood has no-hitter through eight" on CBS Sportsline, I'd have rushed to the TV to watch (I was a Phillies fan). But after strikes, greed, municipal shakedowns, city councilmen shot in the rear, Albert "Attitude" Belle, Barry "Even MORE Attitude" Bonds, GEORGE, juiced baseballs, Zelig, Selig Signs®, the 2002 All-Star Game, ephedra, immortal announcers like Tim Mc-CAR-VER, FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!® BOXES®, and so on and so forth, I couldn't care less anymore.
P. S. He got his no-hitter. Whoopee.
P. S. He got his no-hitter. Whoopee.
A guy who wears a tiger tattoo on his butt may have made a few phone calls.
It's those phone calls that make the good guys look like bad guys.
It's those phone calls that make the good guys look like bad guys.
Washington Post ARROGANT BLUNDER Magazine is reporting that Saudi Arabia is actually detaining a diplomat who may have funneled money to al-Qaida, but that's not as important as putting one of America's most obnoxious new press agents on the career fast track.
I find it disturbing that no one I know has cracked open a book of poetry in decades and that I, who once spent countless hours reading contemporary poets like Lowell and Berryman, can no longer even name a living poet.
What? You're forgetting The Bard of Whole Grain Total!
What? You're forgetting The Bard of Whole Grain Total!
This might be a bear of a bear market: The Cleaning Lady may be nominated to the NYSE board.
I'd long any company in China.
I'd long any company in China.
Look over your shoulder, George Galloway: You may be prosecuted for treason.
You deserve it, if you did it.
You deserve it, if you did it.
GOD INTERVIEWS -- JESUS!!!!!
(I'm very sorry for being sacrilegious on a Sunday morning, but I don't which is worse: Bill Moyers as the Lord, or Barry Diller as the Second Coming. The Bible says beware of false prophets, but that's a little difficult to do when certain people are God.)
(I'm very sorry for being sacrilegious on a Sunday morning, but I don't which is worse: Bill Moyers as the Lord, or Barry Diller as the Second Coming. The Bible says beware of false prophets, but that's a little difficult to do when certain people are God.)
Good idea, General. Let's get the Iraqis together to decide their fate -- with our firm hand at the tiller.
In the golden age of pounding the table (QUALCOMM AT $10,000 A SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!), news hacks always spoke of cable companies in terms of market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, blahblahblahblah, and nothing about their notorious service. This no doubt confirmed in the minds of the Robertses, the Rigases, the Armstrongs, the Dolans, the Malones, etc., etc., etc., that cable TV's only business is producing numbers. WELL, Mayor Daley of Chicago signed an ordinance, and one of Concast's [sic] every four Windy City customers is getting a government-mandated rebate for poor service. Knowing news hacks, it won't be long before we're back to market cap per subscriber, cash flow per subscriber, etc., ETC.
Saturday, April 26, 2003
Speaking of publicists, no one would have noticed the death of one Barney Oldfield at 93 except that he was an aide to Ike during the war and did press work for the likes of "Errol Flynn, Elizabeth Taylor and Ronald Reagan."
To me, that's a charmed life.
To me, that's a charmed life.
Friendly parental "advice" from Tribune Company: don't see The Real Cancun with your child. Especially if he's in it.
Not that the parents have to worry. The AOL film, despite HEAVY promotion from publicists like Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein, is bombing at the B.O., contrary to his undoubtable CW belief that low-budget films must always be profitable.
Not that the parents have to worry. The AOL film, despite HEAVY promotion from publicists like Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein, is bombing at the B.O., contrary to his undoubtable CW belief that low-budget films must always be profitable.
Hello! HELLO! Mr. Gates? Howell Raines. YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM! I'M AS FAMOUS AS YOU! Listen, do you know of anyone working on time machines? I'm trying to get myself transported back to 1969 and hello? HELLO?!?
I would bet the links between Irag and Osama are tenuous, not the strong bonds of evil between al Qaeda and the stone-age Taliban. Nevertheless, the links grow more conclusive; only the DYKEs would dismiss them.
Sounds like Fred "The Ac-TOR" Thompson dropped the ball on the Mata Hari biz.
I'm glad he's back in Hollyweird now.
I'm glad he's back in Hollyweird now.
Surprise, surprise. Saddam bought off news hacks too. And Dr. Wiretap got five grand for his legal-defense fund.
Who else is on the list?
Who else is on the list?
I recall during the Trenting how conservatives oozed rapturous at the thought of Don Nickles as majority leader. Now Bob Novak says he was the leading traitor behind the tax-cut deal.
These folks can never get things right, can they.
These folks can never get things right, can they.
U.S. media mock Toronto
After what your nation's holier-than-thou rulers screeched about us, you're lucky it's just Toronto.
After what your nation's holier-than-thou rulers screeched about us, you're lucky it's just Toronto.
Okay Howell, which side do we take this time -- the lawyer for terrorists? (In Howell's world, they can only take one side. At least CUNY Law School's dean is taking the right side.)
How long before The Osama Channel and all of Saddam's other media mouths start calling this "the American puppet government in Iraq"?
Listen cretins, you had your home-grown Saddam for over twenty years. That god failed.
Listen cretins, you had your home-grown Saddam for over twenty years. That god failed.
Big Bird pens a tell-all.
And despite all those years on Sesame Street, he couldn't do it himself. He needed a ghost.
And despite all those years on Sesame Street, he couldn't do it himself. He needed a ghost.
Ramsey Clark's Strange Political Odyssey
Ramsey Clark's STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE.
Oh well, he served in LBJ's cabinet with the man Bob "The Crackpot" Dornan always used to call Robert STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE MacNamara. And of course we must not forget the other long-running pestilences to emerge from those disastrous days: Jack the Wizened Prune and Bill "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, I am God" Moyers.
(Don't ask me why that heading appears only on the front page, not the story. Maybe they knew people would make fun of him.)
Ramsey Clark's STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE.
Oh well, he served in LBJ's cabinet with the man Bob "The Crackpot" Dornan always used to call Robert STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE MacNamara. And of course we must not forget the other long-running pestilences to emerge from those disastrous days: Jack the Wizened Prune and Bill "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, I am God" Moyers.
(Don't ask me why that heading appears only on the front page, not the story. Maybe they knew people would make fun of him.)
You can be sure the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY, which could not (and would not) stop Saddam and his evil, will throw a tantrum to end all tantrums that WE will conduct war-crimes trials.
Back in the crib, crybabies.
Back in the crib, crybabies.
Friday, April 25, 2003
A nation that commits a million abortions a year without second thoughts yet finds it in its soft heart and mushy head to bury its pets in cemeteries, compete with flowers and toys.
Ick.
Ick.
The Toady Brothers want to put out an issue of Spy's Greatest Hits.
Can't you let sleeping dogs lie?
Can't you let sleeping dogs lie?
It's NEWSMAX (and it's also Don "The Tired-Poor-Blooded-Pundit's-Best-Friend" Imus), but here it is: Paul "Conason-of-a-B" Begala gets less face time on CNN, and he likens Dubya to Kim Jong Il.
What are you waiting for, Eason? CANCEL HIM!
What are you waiting for, Eason? CANCEL HIM!
We still aren't sure what destroyed Columbia, and already NASA wants to send another crew up in one of its orbiting jalopies. PLEASE!
And as proof of their bet-hedging, they haven't named a time. Great.
And as proof of their bet-hedging, they haven't named a time. Great.
RUPERT!!!!!!!!! says Reuters, the "they're not terrorists, they're freedom fighters!" news agency, is "in retreat."
It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of hacks.
It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of hacks.
Rummy says some of the high-mucky-muck ex-Iraqis in custody are talking.
I'll bet they have lots to say.
I'll bet they have lots to say.
The tire-necklace lady and ex-wife of the Conscience of the World is sentenced to prison for fraud. How becoming.
The story was broken several days ago by the Telegraph, and I'd ignored it in part because of the libel suit, and Andy "Compulsion" S.'s doubts, but now it's starting to smell big-time. If true, this account of how Iraq allegedly paid $10 million to a British MP testifies to one of the greatest outrages since World War II. I'm not sure I wouldn't execute this man for treason.
The nice thing about the Iraq war is that it kept needless stories like this off the tabloids' front pages. I'd almost be for another war if it would do it again.
It's NEWSMAX, but apparently the reporter who quoted Sen. Dennis Day is married to John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's campaign manager.
And let us not forget, the AP (where the reporter works) is run by Curley.
And let us not forget, the AP (where the reporter works) is run by Curley.
NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!
Hmmm, Saddam pulled off at least 66 successful assassinations.
Dyke, you hear that Dyke? Dyke? DYKE!!!!!!!!!!
Dyke, you hear that Dyke? Dyke? DYKE!!!!!!!!!!
Contrary to widely circulated reports, O.J. Simpson said Thursday he won't be the star of a reality television show, but might consider becoming a news commentator for actor Robert Blake's murder trial.
Well, if anyone knows anything about MURDER, it's OJ.
Who ya gonna commentate for, Juice? The Osama Channel?
Well, if anyone knows anything about MURDER, it's OJ.
Who ya gonna commentate for, Juice? The Osama Channel?
Hey Rummy, take it from us, you're not the only one who doesn't want the ya-yas running Iraq.
But will the General pull a Carteresque end-around? Here's hoping not.
But will the General pull a Carteresque end-around? Here's hoping not.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Cosseted collegiate eggheads are still applying a jackhammer to the First Amendment. That FIRE (I'm surprised our usually reliable news hacks didn't call the group CONSERVATIVE) is suing Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania, a boonies kind of state school, proves it can happen anywhere.
Sorry Dickie V, this and "glory" go hand in glove.
Sorry Dickie V, this and "glory" go hand in glove.
After chasing away untold millions of baseball fans and opening the floodgates of greed (not to mention inventing the SELIG SIGN®), Bud "Zelig" Selig, Bill Gates without the brains, announces he will finally QUIT -- in 2006.
Who's the man who'll be worse than Zelig?
Who's the man who'll be worse than Zelig?
"I'm not truly embarrassed that, you know, President Bush is from my state, that's not really what I care about....It was the wrong wording with genuine emotion and questions and concern behind it...."
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh....
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh....
Saddam may have executed 300,000 Shi'ites. Meantime, his son Uday lived a life of "heroin, pornography, [and] guns."
Good going, Dyke!
Good going, Dyke!
Oooh, a TRIB paper told one of its writers to stop blogging because he was -- COMPETITION. OOOOOOOOoooooooooooh. "There are 325 other people here who could create similar [Web sites] for themselves," the editor screamed. 325 sites to one -- yours. That's no contest.
Another reason not to trust the establishment press.
Another reason not to trust the establishment press.
Gov. Pataki wants to build the Shards fast.
Well, given that the site's still a hole in the ground now, at least the Gov's sending a statement that he won't tolerate inaction much longer.
Well, given that the site's still a hole in the ground now, at least the Gov's sending a statement that he won't tolerate inaction much longer.
Knowing the JERKS who kowtow to Sum -- er, who write show-biz news, when this hack at the Journals died, the hack at the Times was saying, "Whew! Still safe."
Show-biz news hacks wouldn't report the truth if the Lord God commmanded them to. They'll toady until the last days.
And a hack el supremo celebrates fifty years at that home of empty blurbs, Variety. Army wouldn't last that long now. He'd already have been through three executive jobs.
Show-biz news hacks wouldn't report the truth if the Lord God commmanded them to. They'll toady until the last days.
And a hack el supremo celebrates fifty years at that home of empty blurbs, Variety. Army wouldn't last that long now. He'd already have been through three executive jobs.
A BBC Dyke (that's his last name) blasts FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News and Cheap Channel for -- guess.
Hey Dyke, you were the international voice of the antiwar movement, and one of your former stars is at The Osama Channel. SHUT UP.
Hey Dyke, you were the international voice of the antiwar movement, and one of your former stars is at The Osama Channel. SHUT UP.
The leftists are laughing: Half of Cuba's population must be informers. Could they be liberated even if they were liberated?
It's so bad there that members of an anti-U.S.-embargo group quit en masse.
It's so bad there that members of an anti-U.S.-embargo group quit en masse.
When someone mentions a "public health crisis" -- in this case, an increase in traffic-ralted deaths -- the cure ends up being worse than the disease. What shall we ever do? Ban SUVs? Ban alcohol? How do we ever get to ZERO traffic deaths, o wizards of public policy?
Perhaps all those signs of "Down down U.S.A." and all those true believers butchering their heads prompted it, but a "leading" Iraqi imam seems ready to admit common sense into his newly freed republic. So maybe we won't have QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Variation 72.
Andy S. is obsessing over Sen. Dennis Day. Maybe he thinks he can pull off another Trent. But then Bill Frist hasn't exactly been the Boy Wonder of the Senate, has he, and even if we get Dennis to resign (and wouldn't that be a politically-correct resignation, Andy? I thought you didn't like those things), we'd still have Sen. Ossified Kleagle. Okay, OKAY Andy, Dennis is a HOMOPHOBE, but if every American were called upon to quit a job for evil thoughts, we'd be all unemployed. Cut the comedy, Andy. You're too good at it.
So much of America's public life has become a Hobson's choice. The proposed asbestos trust fund sounds like a boondoggle or fraud in the making, but where we once believed in God, we believe in lawyers. Oh well....
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Another form of Rendelling is to get some big movie star or burgeoning media maven to make a grandiose promise of building a movie studio. Hey, that's the ticket to hiring more high paid janitors, launderers, bellhops...So why is Toronto abandoning its efforts to build one? Mayors who pursue such pipe dreams should ask themselves, do they really need half-block-size warehouses that will sit vacant most the time? We already have too many of those in our ghettos.
I think we just found Congressman Weathervane a campaign slogan:
TAX 'N' SPEND!! TAX 'N' SPEND!!
Only in the loony land of the Beltway would a man like Weathervane be lauded for boldness, applauded as a hero.
Or as a colleague at Washington Post Magazine wrote, "AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES." (They editorialize, we remind.)
TAX 'N' SPEND!! TAX 'N' SPEND!!
Only in the loony land of the Beltway would a man like Weathervane be lauded for boldness, applauded as a hero.
Or as a colleague at Washington Post Magazine wrote, "AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES." (They editorialize, we remind.)
Travel Holiday, a descendant of the long-demolished Curtis empire, is being folded by Hachette (gesundheit!), the Saddam-related French media empire.
You must ask yourself, how many magazines could fold without anyone noticing -- or caring? Half? Three-quarters? I wouldn't want to guess. Travel Holiday's surely one of them, except to its staffers.
You must ask yourself, how many magazines could fold without anyone noticing -- or caring? Half? Three-quarters? I wouldn't want to guess. Travel Holiday's surely one of them, except to its staffers.
What do Elvis impersonators, catfish health, tattoos, a statue of the Roman god Vulcan, and the Pennsylvania Trolley Museum have in common?
Two guesses. One upper and one lower.
Two guesses. One upper and one lower.
As we secure the loot in Iraq we should pay mind to a word that begins with the letter C, that goes naturally with oil companies -- besides Cheney.
Ka-CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Dickie V, I think we found something less about glory than Hoops City, rrrrrr-in-a-soycle!
Hey Dickie V, I think we found something less about glory than Hoops City, rrrrrr-in-a-soycle!
La Belle Fatso's facing an unauthorized hatchet job on Showtime (as opposed to her E!!!!! network show, which was authorized). Among the juicier tidbits: "the breast king of Houston" gave her a pair of "stacked" implants, and carrying all that weight around caused so much pain she got addicted to Vicodin. And this charmer: "Anna once slipped [her eighty-something personal U.S. Mint J. Howard] Marshall a Valium when he didn't want to go shopping with her at Harry Winston. Once Marshall 'didn't know where he was,' according to his private nurse, Anna went inside the store and splurged on over $1 million in jewels."
Hardy har har!
Hardy har har!
Those that have long thought eBay stock was too expensive have been chronically wrong because the growth has been so strong, says Christa Sober, analyst with Thomas Weisel Partners.
The news hacks' pounding of the table that helped bring on the Internet bubble has not entirely gone away. It will return, when conditions are right -- with a vengeance.
The news hacks' pounding of the table that helped bring on the Internet bubble has not entirely gone away. It will return, when conditions are right -- with a vengeance.
THE STRANGE, TWISTED WORLD OF SHOW-BIZ: when a conservative goes after his enemies, it's McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the record industry goes after students, it's profits.
VICIOUS HAND-TO-HAND STREET FIGHTING WILL...er, we underestimated the strength of the Shi'ites.
This is the same company that gave us THE BLAME GAME BEGINS and AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES.
This is the same company that gave us THE BLAME GAME BEGINS and AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES.
Through much of radio's history, and in the early days of television, sponsors had the guts to put their names up front: The Texaco Star Theater, The Colgate Comedy Hour, The Admiral Broadway Revue. Now they're doing the same thing -- but they're not upfront. Why? Because (as always) the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers wants to finance junk television -- without taking responsibility for it. We can never hope for even the slightest improvement to the medium (assuming improvement is possible) so long as the members think sponsoring bad TV is an OBLIGATION.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Those who believe Iraq cannot democratize must agree: even a half-democratic Russia is better than the Soviet Union.
Susan Sontag says: "I'm absolutely in favor of military intervention to stop genocide."
And besides, Bill has such sexy eyes.
And besides, Bill has such sexy eyes.
Fill in the blank: "Infinity targets testy Stern for mainline advertisers..."
Who don't give a damn about testy listeners.
Who don't give a damn about testy listeners.
Let's give a Bronx cheer to that radio dolt who'll
Sell millions of boxes of his Whole-Grain Total.
(That's a slant rhyme, you see. Slant rhymes give poetry character. I'm the Charles Kuralt of poesy.)
Sell millions of boxes of his Whole-Grain Total.
(That's a slant rhyme, you see. Slant rhymes give poetry character. I'm the Charles Kuralt of poesy.)
Yes, you're right Richard, conservatives have RUPERT!!!!!!!!!! But your side has Pee-tah, and Peter, and Robert "Beat Me" Fisk -- in spades. SHUT UP, RICHARD.
In its early manifestations the Ford Thunderbird was one of the most memorable cars ever made. Everyone knows the short sleek look of the beginning, but I like the '58, which made it a real cruising automobile; the '62, the perfect convertible, a vision in ovals; even the '64 with those unique square tail lights. Then the American auto industry started building look-alike clunkers, and the Thunderbird became just another car. Recently Ford tried to revive it, but after the initial "buzz" (I hate that word; it's made for news-hack dishonesty) sales petered out, and now the company's discontinuing it. There'll never be another great looking car -- from Detroit or anywhere else.
It's a shame a Frank Loesser isn't around to write, say, "The Ballad of Ronald Young." Welcome home, soldier!
I wish I could remember the writer who coined the thought, "Organizations not explicitly conservative will turn liberal over time." Nowhere is this more true than with charitable foundations, founded by frugal, conservative men or their offspring, engaged in loony-leftist social engineering. Think The Ford Foundation for one. (Although to be sure, Henry Ford wasn't conservative, he was an ill-educated reactionary bigot.) So the news that one of the biggest foundations has seen its investments plummet can only be good news.
Thanks, Blogger, for bringing up someone else's page when I click "View Web page"!
Another thoughtcrime, about to be duly punished by news hacks.
I find it hard to take Rick Santorum seriously because he looks like Dennis Day -- a boyish, goofy look -- and I expect to hear him break out any moment in "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." Honestly Howells, I think there are more worthy opponents for your zeal. If only they weren't all CONSERVATIVES.
I'm sorry that most of my opening posts are about news hacks, and seem of an obsessive nature, but with news hacks, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
I find it hard to take Rick Santorum seriously because he looks like Dennis Day -- a boyish, goofy look -- and I expect to hear him break out any moment in "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." Honestly Howells, I think there are more worthy opponents for your zeal. If only they weren't all CONSERVATIVES.
I'm sorry that most of my opening posts are about news hacks, and seem of an obsessive nature, but with news hacks, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
It is true that we helped replace the Shah with the Ayatollah Koo-koomeini, and we could be doing the same thing in Iraq -- but all that talk of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has severely damaged these clowns' ability to be believed.
Now Dubya is about to go beyond eeeeeeeeeeeevil: He's going to start his campaign next year around 9/11 anniversary time.
Sic 'em Howell -- with an Augusta! HA HA HA!
Sic 'em Howell -- with an Augusta! HA HA HA!
Let's see: 400,000 Arabs live in metropolitan Detroit. Two men with "photocopies of immigration papers" are being held on suspicion of wanting to blow up a busy Detroit-area bridge.
Nah, no connection.
Nah, no connection.
Count on some of Patrick's (would-be) friends to start another TREND: stupid baby-naming.
Another tear-out-your-hair-in-frustration column by Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein. It has become virtually as impossible to get show-biz news hacks and their ad-blurb copywriter brethren to say a bad thing about their biz -- even in the most obvious of circumstances -- as it is impossible to get the loony leftists to say a good thing about Dubya. It's all sales, and doing favors, and hooking that job. I'm tired of getting toadying with my Web surfing.
NEWS HACKS STRIKE AGAIN: Buried deep in this story about "spoofing" is the implication that the thoughts of one of those "activists" spoofed, a professor with "controversial" "pro-Palestinian views," may not be that different from the faked thoughts on the e-mailed spoofs. Why should reading a simple story require your own detective work? And why must everything news hacks do rely solely on trust?
Monday, April 21, 2003
I can recall when some especially lunkheaded news hacks in Lancaster, P-A did a banner headline calling Carl Lewis LEGENDARY. Well, we all know what happened to LEGENDARY Welch, and now LEGENDARY Lewis has joined him in the annals of dubiousness.
Another kind of Rendelling is to aggressively push for gambling. Gambling will pay for anything and everything. (Ed wanted a riverboat casino here in Philadelphia.) Bankrupts, divorces, suicides -- they're just weaklings. WE NEED THE DOUGH!!!!!
Disney wears the public affronts of its Arthouse Films unit like a badge of honor. So it will be interesting to see what Mickey Mouse Michael does with this one: does he release it through "another company" (as he's done before), or does he take the heat and win himself another badge?
Let me guess: Yes, the show will take the angels' side, and no, the members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers won't pull out, because they desperately want to be "hip." Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!
LINE OF THE WEEK, about a Hank Williams Sr. revue (from John Simon, who else?):
There’s not enough cheatin’ heart and way too much bleatin’ throat.
Sorry Mr. Simon, I very much like Hank. But this is still a good line.
There’s not enough cheatin’ heart and way too much bleatin’ throat.
Sorry Mr. Simon, I very much like Hank. But this is still a good line.
PARAGRAPHS OF THE WEEK:
American and European intellectual elites were not moved to action when 182,000 Kurds — a people who trace their history back more than 3,000 years — were slaughtered by Saddam Hussein.
The chattering classes hardly flinched when Saddam drained the wetlands of southern Iraq, destroying the environment of the Marsh Arabs and, with it, a 5,000-year-old way of life.
But now they’ve got their dander up: Iraq’s antiquities have been vandalized.
That the Iraq National Museum was looted is, of course, a tragedy. But isn’t it curious that the same people who now insist that U.S. Marines should have used lethal force to protect cuneiform tablets were, just a few weeks ago, arguing that only non-military actions were appropriate to stop Saddam’s looting of billions of dollars worth of oil wealth — not to mention his mass murders of ancient peoples?
This from a former New York Times correspondent. Must've been too conservative.
American and European intellectual elites were not moved to action when 182,000 Kurds — a people who trace their history back more than 3,000 years — were slaughtered by Saddam Hussein.
The chattering classes hardly flinched when Saddam drained the wetlands of southern Iraq, destroying the environment of the Marsh Arabs and, with it, a 5,000-year-old way of life.
But now they’ve got their dander up: Iraq’s antiquities have been vandalized.
That the Iraq National Museum was looted is, of course, a tragedy. But isn’t it curious that the same people who now insist that U.S. Marines should have used lethal force to protect cuneiform tablets were, just a few weeks ago, arguing that only non-military actions were appropriate to stop Saddam’s looting of billions of dollars worth of oil wealth — not to mention his mass murders of ancient peoples?
This from a former New York Times correspondent. Must've been too conservative.
What does it say that The Disney Network won a ratings slot yesterday with a nearly 50-year-old movie -- The Ten Commandments? It says TV ratings stink, or TV programs stink. Or maybe both.
Oh oh! Alan Greenspan may be mortal!
But I guess Wall Street's said the same thing these last few years.
But I guess Wall Street's said the same thing these last few years.
And speaking of the Barney, it does seem highly odd that any "mainstream" Protestant denomination would convict any minister of anything. After all, Catholic clerics prove you can have a good time wearing a collar.
Oooooooooh. Six Congressmen live in quarters financed by a secretive Christian group. BAAAAAD.
Now if Barney Frank started a...never mind.
Now if Barney Frank started a...never mind.
Here's news to make my day -- rap: IN TROUBLE! BUT, this is the Boston Globe (A NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY), and if it had any say this junk would be so "edgy" and anti-Semitic and hate-filled -- though it's impossible how it could be any more so -- that it would...win raves from the likes of Renee Graham. QED.
I've a suspicion business travel is to the lower-level executive what Chevy Chase Syndrome (i.e., showing off at the Super Bowl and the Olympics) is to the CEO: a flaunting of purpose and a thorough waste of time and money that doesn't produce anything. Will the world be a worse place with fewer flights? Maybe these paper pushers can get some work done.
Well, well! Iraq "destroyed" its WMDs before the war began. One could either say likely story or we were right all along. I prefer we were right all along.
I also wish I knew why the flip side of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and THE BLAME GAME BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is ADVERTISING. The SOLE purpose of this story is to sell a movie. That much is obvious from the mere presence of Jack the Wizened Prune's sidekick Paul Dreck. These stories are as egregious and superfluous as the LALA Times's on the little girl who died from a hospital's errors, and like QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the news hacks won't stop producing them, and THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THEM! That's why people hate news hacks: they're almost always wrong and frequently irresponsible, and neither God nor man can halt the flow of their noxious verbal sludge.
The same nincompoops who find it in their wallets to finance The Osama Channel and Hezbollah TV have actually decided they don't want to fund reality TV? MadAve and its clients need a visit to a psychiatrist. They're supposed to waste money on bad TV. It's their constitutional duty. It's written into their corporate charters. THIS IS UN-AMERICAN!!!!!
One reason Ed Rendell is now our governor is that he had a master plan -- to convert every second-tier office building in Philadelphia into apartments. The city's hemorrhaging jobs, so he brings us just what we need -- apartments. Now some clown is about to engage in major-league Rendelling by converting an office complex in Frisco, 88% occupied, into apartments. The neighborhood is said to be (overused news-hack word here) HOT. It's a dumb idea. WHY?
I've said it before, but I wish I knew why news hacks must inflict private tragedies on us. Yes, yes, it's a story about hospital errors, but this ground has been covered before -- remember the teenage girl with the botched transplant at Duke? That wasn't too long ago -- and more such repetitive stories won't prevent more errors or bring back those who died, and there's already enough heartbreak in our lives. This is like piling Ossa on Pelion. We don't need it.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
As a business scandal, HealthSouth is the best of all possible worlds: it combines Enroning, Welching, insider trading, government fleecing, celebrity worship, and a personality cult (sorry hard-core conservatives, NOT JUST COMMUNISTS DO IT). The next time a knee-jerk of the greed persuasion like Jim Glassman chants the code phrase FREE ENTERPRISE, say "Enron." OR "HealthSouth."
There'll always be an England, and there'll always be a New York Times.
"Ze Unitedd States has 5% of ze glllobal popula-cion, so it's nawt up to zem to manage ze worrrld. Maybe one day zey shood understand and accept zat.
"After all, more peopll in ze worrrrld speak FRRRENCH!"
"After all, more peopll in ze worrrrld speak FRRRENCH!"
Now the news hacks have their memo with which to flog a dead horse!
Uh, scribblers, do you think maybe there are more important things to do in war than protecting museums?
Uh, scribblers, do you think maybe there are more important things to do in war than protecting museums?
The continuing saga of Mata Hari and her sex slaves provides a strong case for implementing the death penalty in the most severe espionage cases. While these traitors are alive, they can still do damage -- even from prison.
Meantime, the Mata appeals to Howell for help. He's above seducing.
Meantime, the Mata appeals to Howell for help. He's above seducing.
The Cannes Film Festival should be a REAL love-in this year: their weasels and ours. The stench could do far more harm than Saddam's WMDs.
Did people yearn for Hitler to return from the bunker? He must have had fans in his hometown too.
Sacked? or executed?
I can hear the cry from Bentonville now: "Execute them! EXECUTE THEM!!!!!" (They never did care for human rights.)
This will happen when a third of our economy is at stake. How did we let Wal-Mart grow so big?
I can hear the cry from Bentonville now: "Execute them! EXECUTE THEM!!!!!" (They never did care for human rights.)
This will happen when a third of our economy is at stake. How did we let Wal-Mart grow so big?
Jack the Wizened Prune gets two million federal bucks (from which corrupt senator?) to make screens flicker so evil pirates can't record their images with camcorders.
Want to bet audiences start complaining of eye strain? Oh, I forgot. Moviegoers are blind.
Want to bet audiences start complaining of eye strain? Oh, I forgot. Moviegoers are blind.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
In theory, women's skirts and pants with a very low waistline (or in the words of C. David Heymann, Liz Taylor's biographer, garments that begin just above the "dorsal-cleavage" zone) should be a visual feast for sex-starved men like me. Surely if a woman like, say, Lillian Russell in her prime (the 19th-century sex symbol whom Mark Twain said he'd prefer "sleeping with stark naked" over "U. S. Grant in full-dress uniform"), accoutred this way she'd form a train without a caboose. Unfortunately too many women wish to prove that in their accessories women are men with high heels. And a woman's behind is no fun without curves.
A CONUNDRUM FOR THE AGES: Saddam Hussein had vile tastes in art -- fantasy-fiction-cover paintings depicting angry big-breasted women slaying dragons. This lizard would embarrass lounge lizards. BUT...fantasy fiction is a division of POP CULTURE. And as tiresome hacks from Ty "MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!" Burr to Robert "Over the" Hilburn to Stephen "Quarter-of-a-Century" Holden NEVER cease to tell us, POP CULTURE is ONE MASTERPIECE AFTER ANOTHER. So...
Let us proclaim Saddam Hussein A PATRON OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!
Let us proclaim Saddam Hussein A PATRON OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!
Ashtrays sculpted to resemble the heads of Pol Pot(R), the infamous 'Brother Number One' of the Khmer Rouge, and 'Brother Number Three' Khieu Samphan(L) are seen on a shop shelf in this file photo taken March 5, 2003. The ashtrays, the brainchild of an enterprising Phnom Penh shopkeeper, sell for $3.80 each and are designed to remind the international community that the surviving leaders of the ultra-Maoist regime have yet to stand trial for the genocide of 1.7 million Cambodians.
Maybe International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S. can buy some and hand them out as gifts during their next Bush=Hitler rally.
How many times do I have to SAY it, Dickie V, IT'S NOT FOR THE GLOOOOOOOORYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Saddam's little gift to the peace movement: By eliminating all traces of WMDs he'd cue the weenies and the Howells to scream the war was unjustified. But how to explain all those missing POWs? I still think a government-in-exile is possible, but a more likely thought is Saddam and his henchmen knew a bad thing when they saw it.
I don't know which is funnier: That Howard "Gay Marriage and Only Gay Marriage" Dean polls 19 percent (once 22 percent!) in New Hampshire, or that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry has the lead.
Either way, it's a laff riot for the Republicans.
Either way, it's a laff riot for the Republicans.
Friday, April 18, 2003
If we have trouble with Arabic, think of the trouble we could have with Korean.
AS PREDICTED, Howell is looking for a smoking gun, and he's brought in Ed Meese's name for that extra soupcon of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. I don't like these well-heeled Cheneyesque Bakeresque we'll-do-anything-for-a-buck firms either, but there may be no avoiding them in rebuilding Iraq. Besides, if you want scandal, harken back an administration.
In another New York Post story that should be slugged "ADVERTISEMENT," a certain shock jock -- you know, the one whose friend called up CNN during the LAX shooting as an eyewitness, claiming the shootist yelled, "ARTIE STOLE MY JOB"? -- anyway, a CERTAIN SHOCK JOCK spouts off about the FCC. Which reminds us: it's been seven months and GENERAL JR. hasn't done a thing about Opie and Anthony, or Twilight Zon, or Viacom. What's up, Gen? Preparing to issue that $10,000 fine?
Only in Washington does treason pay so well. Or rather that form of treason called high-powered lawyering. The hard-heartedness on display at many of Washington's "finest" firms would break drill bits on oil wells; precisely this sort of unspeakable pragmatic money-grubbing forces you to view Dick Cheney from the corner of your eye. Of course Papa's aide-de-camp the "Honorable" Jim Baker is among the enemy Saudis' friends. Here's one reason we can't celebrate too hard about winning in Iraq, proper and just though it was; we won for elements of a ruling class that would scotch the whole thing if the retainer was right.
Forbes has run a series of its patented puff pieces about eBay, much as Business Week ran puff pieces about GE before one of its most "talented" writers got a job transcribing Legendary Welch's excuses -- memoirs. From a strictly knee-jerk conservative standpoint (and from a business standpoint too) it's a phenomenal success; this relic of the Internet bubble is here to stay. On the other hand, having shopped many times on eBay, I feel at best an ambiguous relationship to it, one that can sour into thoughts of homicide. I like getting things at a discount, but there's a lot of greed for sale, and every time you bid you're going into a jungle, and it's easy to get sniped, or nibbled to death -- or scammed; and eBay's customer service makes Mickey D's look like a paragon of excellence. eBay may be here to stay, but it may not be here to be liked. I can't believe Meg "Pronounced 'Mug'" Whitman's hubris won't come back some day to haunt her -- as with her former boss Mickey Mouse Michael. Some people do lead charmed lives. But then, so did Mickey Mouse Michael.
A lot of news hacks are jumping up and down with glee over the anti-U.S. protest in Baghdad. There are no doubt many Saddam sympathizers left in Iraq, and there are lots of Muslims. Peace will be hard, but not as hard as if we hadn't fought the war in the first place.
So the Feds take care of ONE porn spammer. A hundred new weeds will grow in his place.
First, it fires 1,000 in its music business. Now Sony is "cutting costs" in movies.
Why did Akio Morita get into these businesses? Synergy?
Why did Akio Morita get into these businesses? Synergy?
More evidence linking Saddam to terrorists. Can there be any doubt now?
Nonetheless, if the Howells have their way, all we'll ever think about is their @#$%^& museum.
Nonetheless, if the Howells have their way, all we'll ever think about is their @#$%^& museum.
In his 28 years at Westbury High School, first as a teacher and then as principal, Pless Dickerson has shown a knack for connecting with teens, former students say.
Maybe that's the problem. Where we should be educating, we're "connecting."
Maybe that's the problem. Where we should be educating, we're "connecting."
Next time, if we really want to make an impact, let's protest around the WTC site. Then we'll make the case for moral equivalence!
Astonishing that a story like this can be printed without the magical H word popping up: HOMOPHOBIA.
But then by turning AIDS from a public-health problem to a political story, news hacks helped worsen the epidemic. Thanks as always for your perfect wisdom!
But then by turning AIDS from a public-health problem to a political story, news hacks helped worsen the epidemic. Thanks as always for your perfect wisdom!
Thursday, April 17, 2003
In fairness though, ArtsJournal also found this one: You'd think with bar codes on every book somebody could tally publishing sales the way SoundScan compiles record sales. Instead we're stuck with thirty best-seller lists using twenty different methodologies -- and tons of book-business PR. WHY?
The clowns who choose ArtsJournal's stories always look for one designed to make you mad for no reason, and today they chose a dinger. To wit: About two-thirds of all movies are R-rated, but they turn in less than a third of the total box office. So what does some movie-ad-blurb copywriting IMBECILE essentially want? He wants more R-rated movies -- because they're "EDGIER"!!!!!
Since news hacks are NEVER wrong (like Michael Moore), it NEVER occurs to them (especially after Iraq) that they're NEVER wrong about practically EVERYTHING.
Since news hacks are NEVER wrong (like Michael Moore), it NEVER occurs to them (especially after Iraq) that they're NEVER wrong about practically EVERYTHING.
Bill and Mike Magazine must be running out of bytes when one of its staffers writes a long piece about TV-news theme music.
Already I can hear Howell screaming, "What's with Bush and Bechtel? WHAT'S WITH BUSH AND BECHTEL?!?"
No doubt partly inspired by Eason Jordan (and Ted) HBO has postponed Oliver "Conspiracy Theory" Stone's hagiography of Castro until it can get away with it.
What? You show umpteen variations of EW! YUCK! GROSS!, and you won't show THIS?!?!?
What? You show umpteen variations of EW! YUCK! GROSS!, and you won't show THIS?!?!?
In other news cribbed from Romenesko, news hacks in Washington State staged an arson.
Why didn't you burn down the paper?
Why didn't you burn down the paper?
Idiot news hacks will go so far in winning the Pulitzer they'll put footnotes in their stories.
Next: Cliff's Notes for newspapers.
Next: Cliff's Notes for newspapers.
A NASCAR fan faces up to a year in prison for flooding Fox Entertainment with more than a half-million e-mails because he was angry the network aired a Boston Red Sox game instead of an auto race....
Sounds like a Freeper.
Sounds like a Freeper.
Michael "I am God" Moore, who is never wrong, says the Human Error Network amplified the booing in its clip of his Oscar® acceptance speech.
What? Someone has a louder mouth than YOU?
What? Someone has a louder mouth than YOU?
"How US Media Served War Propaganda,"
STEEEEEEEEERIKE ONE!
written by Rob Kennedy of Deutsche Presse-Agentur,
STEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO!
and posted on Arab News.
STEEEEEEEEERIKE THREE YERRRRROUT!!!!!
STEEEEEEEEERIKE ONE!
written by Rob Kennedy of Deutsche Presse-Agentur,
STEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO!
and posted on Arab News.
STEEEEEEEEERIKE THREE YERRRRROUT!!!!!
Was the ignoble tragedy that wiped the smile off our victory (and put a grin on Howell), the looting of Iraq's National Museum, an inside job? Or an outside inside job?
Once again, Dickie V, IT'S NOT GLORY: the newly-crowned head coach at NC wants some of his Kansas recruits to follow.
Kansas, North Carolina, it's just a uniform, right?
Kansas, North Carolina, it's just a uniform, right?
I think the New York pols have a good idea. Tax Honorary Mayor Mike alone and you solve the state's and the city's budget woes.
Once again, Dickie V, college is not about glory: Texas A&M will offer engineering degrees in the enemy petroleum-company-governed poobahdom of CATARRH, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.
The Chinese Mata Hari wrecked several of our spying operations.
Meantime, news hacks have found an angle: They're playing up that she was a REPUBLICAN FUNDRAISER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meantime, news hacks have found an angle: They're playing up that she was a REPUBLICAN FUNDRAISER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
It's a wonder someone didn't think of this scam before -- printing fake bar codes to slap on store items. Naturally, "anti-capitalist" (i.e., Bush=Hitler) "activists" seem most enthusiastic for it. They should be; you have to economize when you live under a rock.
Now Italy wants Abu Abbas. Yeah. We extradite him to Italy, they extradite him to freedom. They've done it before.
Sumner renames TNN Spike TV. As in Jones? Or DOG?? Down, Sumner!
When Artie Sulzberger JR. says his paper will continue to report the news "without fear or favor," he really means: HOWELL IS A LAW UNTO HIMSELF!
More evidence the war worked: a prominent Egyptian dissident told a Chicago audience, "All dictators [are now] on notice that if they do not reform, they will be subject to similar unpleasant predicaments like Saddam Hussein.''
Now it's official we've won the war; Gov has lowered the terror alert to yellow.
Vocal mellifluousness in broadcast announcers is inversely proportional to physical attractiveness. So this story says. Although in my experience ugly voices and ugly faces go together. Remember the most irritating promo man in TV history, the late Ernie "The Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuve Boat" Anderson? A fat slob. And if I were a woman I wouldn't want to be on a blind date with Casey "Shaggy" "Mondayat87centralonNBCeeeeeeee" "My Religion Right or Wrong and Never Wrong" Kasem. (Not that he's mellifluous; he's closer to miseriferous.)
Nirvana comes to conservatives: Pfizer is now one of the world's largest corporations by market cap.
Today, Viagra, tomorrow...brave new world!
Today, Viagra, tomorrow...brave new world!
The right hand of the right-hand party doesn't know what the left hand of the right-hand party is doing.
We're lucky Sen. Frist is leaving that august outhouse, otherwise someone might have to root through his closets.
We're lucky Sen. Frist is leaving that august outhouse, otherwise someone might have to root through his closets.
Yet more evidence that corporate sports sponsorship is a waste of money. If an ever-bigger chunk of Kemper's money weren't going into the purse it would still sponsor this golf tournament. There comes a time when sanity must override vanity.
A flight risk? I'd worry she'd seduce another FBI agent.
Experiments on Monkeys Zero in on SARS Cause
I'm surprised Howell isn't complaining they're experimenting on monkeys.
I'm surprised Howell isn't complaining they're experimenting on monkeys.
AFTRA, the union of $1 million-an-episode non-actors and $1 million-a-year local news 'dos, is boycotting Cheap Channel in New York.
The war begins! ha ha ha.
The war begins! ha ha ha.
It's not $10 million for Slick or $8 million for Ms. Rodham, but the Diz's deal with Karenna has a typical -- smell.
The networks are going back to sitcoms full-bore.
Network executives like beating their heads against the wall. That's how they get so intelligent.
Network executives like beating their heads against the wall. That's how they get so intelligent.
The League of Nations's stand (no doubt): The Palestinians say Abu Abbas's arrest violates the Camp David accords.
Leaving aside that they were signed by the Willie, someone must tell the Palis again and again:
Leaving aside that they were signed by the Willie, someone must tell the Palis again and again:
YOUR SIDE LOST.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
AS I'VE SAID, open your mouths, celebrities, and you close our wallets.
And this is Sumner's VH1 talking.
And this is Sumner's VH1 talking.
Despite the most intense efforts of Catholic leaders to bury their heads in the sand, the priests-'n'-pedophilia scandal just won't quit.
The weenie Sen. Fitzgerald from Illinois decides not to seek hereditary status -- er, reelection.
BRING BACK CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN!
BRING BACK CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN!
Burger King's in worse shape than McDonald's. Despite new ownership trying to fix it up I wonder if the burger chains are so undifferentiated, are so linked by their gastronomic mediocrity and bad upkeep and obsessive advertising, as to all be in permanent decline. (Wendy's has escaped this by going upscale, but a few false steps by Uncle Dave's survivors and they'll be in the leaky S. S. Hamburger too.)
I'm shocked! SHOCKED! A "Christian" rock band uses four-letter words and takes Christ's name in vain during an Entertainment Weekly (or EW!) interview. "Christian" music has become just another avenue for no-talents who'd otherwise be playing the Great White circuit to get a contract and exposure; their Christianity is a gimmick, just like the bumps and grinds of the overaged strippers who taught Gypsy Rose. But then ever since the hack Ralph Carmichael created the world of junk Christian pop with its equivocal, secular lyrics and sappy sing-songy melodies ("Youuuuuuuuuuu liiiiiiiiiiiight up myyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiiiife....") the music has been in a downward spiral. Taking a few lousy records off the Christian bookstores' shelves won't solve the rot at its heart. As for cynics who will say the band did it to get greater exposure, they're getting greater exposure in a lesser market. (Linked on Romenesko; I might not have found it otherwise. Thanks for once, Jim!)
It's The Washington Times, but it seems CNN got its news on Iraq from The Loudmouth.
If this weren't a CONSERVATIVE story Eason Jordan would resign.
If this weren't a CONSERVATIVE story Eason Jordan would resign.
The news hacks anoint another hero in academe.
Don't these idiots realize by turning their parchments into preachments they risk the livelihoods of thousands of printers and secretaries and truck drivers and delivery people who don't earn six digits and the right to plant their feet on their desks all day? And with their huge losses of recent years these quack pseudo-religionists should be the last to take their readers for granted.
Don't these idiots realize by turning their parchments into preachments they risk the livelihoods of thousands of printers and secretaries and truck drivers and delivery people who don't earn six digits and the right to plant their feet on their desks all day? And with their huge losses of recent years these quack pseudo-religionists should be the last to take their readers for granted.
Days after Steve "Sumner" Jobs announces he wants to rule the universe (or at least the Universal Music), here comes an inconvenient report charging his company honors the Arab boycott of Israel. I guess in the Arab world "Think Different" means thinking like everyone else.
Next time, Steve, follow IBM's old motto: "Think."
Next time, Steve, follow IBM's old motto: "Think."
Roy Williams celebrates his loss in the College Basketball for Dummies final by taking the job at NC.
Wasn't it a "dream job" for the last guy too?
Wasn't it a "dream job" for the last guy too?
I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY
Tell that to the judge.
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY
Tell that to the judge.
Monday, April 14, 2003
Tim Russert did pop the question to Rummy -- is Cuba next? -- and he said no, but didn't completely rule it out.
Justice Kennedy -- a liberal -- speaks out against choosing Federal judges based on "litmus tests"? Hmmmm.
First, it's war movies. Next, it's musicals. Next, it'll be historical pageants. Everything Hollywood touches turns to dud. Why make such movies knowing they've already been made, the old ones are far better, and the new ones will irredeemably stink?
Here's one (perhaps the only) instance of the antiwar kooks getting it right: why must Tony Blair lick up to RUPERT?
How debased have we come when we shrug our shoulders like the Vichys at AK-47s in schools?
Proof the BBC is biased: Frank "The Gliberal" Rich loves it, giving the FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS motto as the reason.
Well whadya know? Some investors are alleging AOL bigwigs engaged in insider trading. How else could they have engineered the deal of the ages?
The "major combat" is over, in far less than the months, years, decades, centuries, millennia so many predicted.
The Three Stooges don't get the laughs the way they used to. Especially from soccer moms.
As is painfully clear from the story of a writer who discovered "the other side," America's effete snobs have built themselves a Berlin Wall of the mind to protect their ignorance.
A true-believing hack who ghosted Paul "Ol' Man Stalin" Robeson's autobiography has died.
No doubt what he left out was far more than he put in.
No doubt what he left out was far more than he put in.
Unless he gets his monopolistic -- er, competitive juices flowing soon, the Feds may view John "The Don" Malone's media company as a mutual fund.
A Mafia boss running a mutual fund? That's a laugh.
A Mafia boss running a mutual fund? That's a laugh.
"For those who care intelligently about the security of the country, it's just not safe yet to vote Democratic."
Will it ever be?
Will it ever be?
Sunday, April 13, 2003
As the great Jack Paar would say, "I kid you not": Here's a web site called www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com.
Amazing!
Amazing!
Death can concentrate a soldier's mind wonderfully. Especially when he doesn't want to fight.
The longer the Pope lingers, the more his reputation suffers. With his stern challenge of European communism he was one of the few heroes of recent history, but in the last year he went stone deaf over pedophilia among his American clerics, and then he came out with the antiwar nuts. Now, with Iraq decided, the Pope speaks in platitudes. John Paul seems unable to realize no Pope can speak with authority on war after the Vatican's shameful reticence during the Holocaust. This is the tragedy of a man ossifying in office.
Another reason I could scream at liberals (and why the antiwar protestors will protest until hell freezes over): Conservatives mustn't have a "litmus test," but liberals can. Only they needn't call it a litmus test.
This from the mouth of John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh" Kerry, who's established himself in short order as one of the most conniving men in American politics.
This from the mouth of John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh" Kerry, who's established himself in short order as one of the most conniving men in American politics.
Sports hacks like the multi-millionaire "Morrie" "Conversations with Myself" Albom (apologies to Bill Evans) are screaming McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at Baseball's Hall of Fame. To which I say, look at Mr. Arrogant Blunder, then look to Augusta National, and then SHUT UP.
NewsMax (no one else seems to be reporting this) states that we've captured less than a third of the number of POWs we detained during Gulf War I. Mr. Arrogant Blunder of Newsweak would say the soldiers are in hiding. I say The Iraqis had no fight in them.
Gen. Garner (remember that name) gets off to the right start. I just hope his offer doesn't include Democrats (chuckle chuckle).
Shucks, here we stick our necks out for one of the greatest causes in American history, Howell, and what does it get us? A crowd of maybe 100? A congresspoop named Maloney? We were supposed to storm the gates of Augusta National with our righteous indignation! Even Je$$e didn't show! What happened? One thing's foreordained: we'll never read about it in the Times.
I wonder if SuperRummy gave thought to looting before the operation. The sooner we get a handle on it the less damage to our aims. Trouble is, this seems to be far down his agenda.
Now it's a "template server." Is there a day when something doesn't go wrong with Blogger?
Here's betting publishing isn't restored until tomorrow -- or maybe Tuesday. Or maybe -- I can't even get my page up. This will be a long time fixing itself. (We can't count on Google's three interns doing anything.)
Here's betting publishing isn't restored until tomorrow -- or maybe Tuesday. Or maybe -- I can't even get my page up. This will be a long time fixing itself. (We can't count on Google's three interns doing anything.)
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Guess which of the AXIS OF LOSERS helped Saddam gain intelligence.
Hint: it wasn't France. It wasn't Germany. It wasn't even Belgium. Guess.
Hint: it wasn't France. It wasn't Germany. It wasn't even Belgium. Guess.
What happened to the National Museum of Iraq is very sad, but to keep things in perspective (a word Howell hates: perspective), Saddam Hussein pillaged his people for over two decades.
Howell gets exercised over imported fluid-filled yo-yos.
Hey Howell, how many people have been injured by delivery people throwing the Sunday Times on their stoops?
Hey Howell, how many people have been injured by delivery people throwing the Sunday Times on their stoops?