THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
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Saturday, April 19, 2003
In theory, women's skirts and pants with a very low waistline (or in the words of C. David Heymann, Liz Taylor's biographer, garments that begin just above the "dorsal-cleavage" zone) should be a visual feast for sex-starved men like me. Surely if a woman like, say, Lillian Russell in her prime (the 19th-century sex symbol whom Mark Twain said he'd prefer "sleeping with stark naked" over "U. S. Grant in full-dress uniform"), accoutred this way she'd form a train without a caboose. Unfortunately too many women wish to prove that in their accessories women are men with high heels. And a woman's behind is no fun without curves.
A CONUNDRUM FOR THE AGES: Saddam Hussein had vile tastes in art -- fantasy-fiction-cover paintings depicting angry big-breasted women slaying dragons. This lizard would embarrass lounge lizards. BUT...fantasy fiction is a division of POP CULTURE. And as tiresome hacks from Ty "MOVIES ARE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!" Burr to Robert "Over the" Hilburn to Stephen "Quarter-of-a-Century" Holden NEVER cease to tell us, POP CULTURE is ONE MASTERPIECE AFTER ANOTHER. So...
Let us proclaim Saddam Hussein A PATRON OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!
Let us proclaim Saddam Hussein A PATRON OF GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!
Ashtrays sculpted to resemble the heads of Pol Pot(R), the infamous 'Brother Number One' of the Khmer Rouge, and 'Brother Number Three' Khieu Samphan(L) are seen on a shop shelf in this file photo taken March 5, 2003. The ashtrays, the brainchild of an enterprising Phnom Penh shopkeeper, sell for $3.80 each and are designed to remind the international community that the surviving leaders of the ultra-Maoist regime have yet to stand trial for the genocide of 1.7 million Cambodians.
Maybe International S.T.A.L.I.N.I.S.T.S. can buy some and hand them out as gifts during their next Bush=Hitler rally.
How many times do I have to SAY it, Dickie V, IT'S NOT FOR THE GLOOOOOOOORYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Saddam's little gift to the peace movement: By eliminating all traces of WMDs he'd cue the weenies and the Howells to scream the war was unjustified. But how to explain all those missing POWs? I still think a government-in-exile is possible, but a more likely thought is Saddam and his henchmen knew a bad thing when they saw it.
I don't know which is funnier: That Howard "Gay Marriage and Only Gay Marriage" Dean polls 19 percent (once 22 percent!) in New Hampshire, or that John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry has the lead.
Either way, it's a laff riot for the Republicans.
Either way, it's a laff riot for the Republicans.
Friday, April 18, 2003
If we have trouble with Arabic, think of the trouble we could have with Korean.
AS PREDICTED, Howell is looking for a smoking gun, and he's brought in Ed Meese's name for that extra soupcon of EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL. I don't like these well-heeled Cheneyesque Bakeresque we'll-do-anything-for-a-buck firms either, but there may be no avoiding them in rebuilding Iraq. Besides, if you want scandal, harken back an administration.
In another New York Post story that should be slugged "ADVERTISEMENT," a certain shock jock -- you know, the one whose friend called up CNN during the LAX shooting as an eyewitness, claiming the shootist yelled, "ARTIE STOLE MY JOB"? -- anyway, a CERTAIN SHOCK JOCK spouts off about the FCC. Which reminds us: it's been seven months and GENERAL JR. hasn't done a thing about Opie and Anthony, or Twilight Zon, or Viacom. What's up, Gen? Preparing to issue that $10,000 fine?
Only in Washington does treason pay so well. Or rather that form of treason called high-powered lawyering. The hard-heartedness on display at many of Washington's "finest" firms would break drill bits on oil wells; precisely this sort of unspeakable pragmatic money-grubbing forces you to view Dick Cheney from the corner of your eye. Of course Papa's aide-de-camp the "Honorable" Jim Baker is among the enemy Saudis' friends. Here's one reason we can't celebrate too hard about winning in Iraq, proper and just though it was; we won for elements of a ruling class that would scotch the whole thing if the retainer was right.
Forbes has run a series of its patented puff pieces about eBay, much as Business Week ran puff pieces about GE before one of its most "talented" writers got a job transcribing Legendary Welch's excuses -- memoirs. From a strictly knee-jerk conservative standpoint (and from a business standpoint too) it's a phenomenal success; this relic of the Internet bubble is here to stay. On the other hand, having shopped many times on eBay, I feel at best an ambiguous relationship to it, one that can sour into thoughts of homicide. I like getting things at a discount, but there's a lot of greed for sale, and every time you bid you're going into a jungle, and it's easy to get sniped, or nibbled to death -- or scammed; and eBay's customer service makes Mickey D's look like a paragon of excellence. eBay may be here to stay, but it may not be here to be liked. I can't believe Meg "Pronounced 'Mug'" Whitman's hubris won't come back some day to haunt her -- as with her former boss Mickey Mouse Michael. Some people do lead charmed lives. But then, so did Mickey Mouse Michael.
A lot of news hacks are jumping up and down with glee over the anti-U.S. protest in Baghdad. There are no doubt many Saddam sympathizers left in Iraq, and there are lots of Muslims. Peace will be hard, but not as hard as if we hadn't fought the war in the first place.
So the Feds take care of ONE porn spammer. A hundred new weeds will grow in his place.
First, it fires 1,000 in its music business. Now Sony is "cutting costs" in movies.
Why did Akio Morita get into these businesses? Synergy?
Why did Akio Morita get into these businesses? Synergy?
More evidence linking Saddam to terrorists. Can there be any doubt now?
Nonetheless, if the Howells have their way, all we'll ever think about is their @#$%^& museum.
Nonetheless, if the Howells have their way, all we'll ever think about is their @#$%^& museum.
In his 28 years at Westbury High School, first as a teacher and then as principal, Pless Dickerson has shown a knack for connecting with teens, former students say.
Maybe that's the problem. Where we should be educating, we're "connecting."
Maybe that's the problem. Where we should be educating, we're "connecting."
Next time, if we really want to make an impact, let's protest around the WTC site. Then we'll make the case for moral equivalence!
Astonishing that a story like this can be printed without the magical H word popping up: HOMOPHOBIA.
But then by turning AIDS from a public-health problem to a political story, news hacks helped worsen the epidemic. Thanks as always for your perfect wisdom!
But then by turning AIDS from a public-health problem to a political story, news hacks helped worsen the epidemic. Thanks as always for your perfect wisdom!
Thursday, April 17, 2003
In fairness though, ArtsJournal also found this one: You'd think with bar codes on every book somebody could tally publishing sales the way SoundScan compiles record sales. Instead we're stuck with thirty best-seller lists using twenty different methodologies -- and tons of book-business PR. WHY?
The clowns who choose ArtsJournal's stories always look for one designed to make you mad for no reason, and today they chose a dinger. To wit: About two-thirds of all movies are R-rated, but they turn in less than a third of the total box office. So what does some movie-ad-blurb copywriting IMBECILE essentially want? He wants more R-rated movies -- because they're "EDGIER"!!!!!
Since news hacks are NEVER wrong (like Michael Moore), it NEVER occurs to them (especially after Iraq) that they're NEVER wrong about practically EVERYTHING.
Since news hacks are NEVER wrong (like Michael Moore), it NEVER occurs to them (especially after Iraq) that they're NEVER wrong about practically EVERYTHING.
Bill and Mike Magazine must be running out of bytes when one of its staffers writes a long piece about TV-news theme music.
Already I can hear Howell screaming, "What's with Bush and Bechtel? WHAT'S WITH BUSH AND BECHTEL?!?"
No doubt partly inspired by Eason Jordan (and Ted) HBO has postponed Oliver "Conspiracy Theory" Stone's hagiography of Castro until it can get away with it.
What? You show umpteen variations of EW! YUCK! GROSS!, and you won't show THIS?!?!?
What? You show umpteen variations of EW! YUCK! GROSS!, and you won't show THIS?!?!?
In other news cribbed from Romenesko, news hacks in Washington State staged an arson.
Why didn't you burn down the paper?
Why didn't you burn down the paper?
Idiot news hacks will go so far in winning the Pulitzer they'll put footnotes in their stories.
Next: Cliff's Notes for newspapers.
Next: Cliff's Notes for newspapers.
A NASCAR fan faces up to a year in prison for flooding Fox Entertainment with more than a half-million e-mails because he was angry the network aired a Boston Red Sox game instead of an auto race....
Sounds like a Freeper.
Sounds like a Freeper.
Michael "I am God" Moore, who is never wrong, says the Human Error Network amplified the booing in its clip of his Oscar® acceptance speech.
What? Someone has a louder mouth than YOU?
What? Someone has a louder mouth than YOU?
"How US Media Served War Propaganda,"
STEEEEEEEEERIKE ONE!
written by Rob Kennedy of Deutsche Presse-Agentur,
STEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO!
and posted on Arab News.
STEEEEEEEEERIKE THREE YERRRRROUT!!!!!
STEEEEEEEEERIKE ONE!
written by Rob Kennedy of Deutsche Presse-Agentur,
STEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO!
and posted on Arab News.
STEEEEEEEEERIKE THREE YERRRRROUT!!!!!
Was the ignoble tragedy that wiped the smile off our victory (and put a grin on Howell), the looting of Iraq's National Museum, an inside job? Or an outside inside job?
Once again, Dickie V, IT'S NOT GLORY: the newly-crowned head coach at NC wants some of his Kansas recruits to follow.
Kansas, North Carolina, it's just a uniform, right?
Kansas, North Carolina, it's just a uniform, right?
I think the New York pols have a good idea. Tax Honorary Mayor Mike alone and you solve the state's and the city's budget woes.
Once again, Dickie V, college is not about glory: Texas A&M will offer engineering degrees in the enemy petroleum-company-governed poobahdom of CATARRH, home of holy cockroaches and The Osama Channel.
The Chinese Mata Hari wrecked several of our spying operations.
Meantime, news hacks have found an angle: They're playing up that she was a REPUBLICAN FUNDRAISER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meantime, news hacks have found an angle: They're playing up that she was a REPUBLICAN FUNDRAISER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
It's a wonder someone didn't think of this scam before -- printing fake bar codes to slap on store items. Naturally, "anti-capitalist" (i.e., Bush=Hitler) "activists" seem most enthusiastic for it. They should be; you have to economize when you live under a rock.
Now Italy wants Abu Abbas. Yeah. We extradite him to Italy, they extradite him to freedom. They've done it before.
Sumner renames TNN Spike TV. As in Jones? Or DOG?? Down, Sumner!
When Artie Sulzberger JR. says his paper will continue to report the news "without fear or favor," he really means: HOWELL IS A LAW UNTO HIMSELF!
More evidence the war worked: a prominent Egyptian dissident told a Chicago audience, "All dictators [are now] on notice that if they do not reform, they will be subject to similar unpleasant predicaments like Saddam Hussein.''
Now it's official we've won the war; Gov has lowered the terror alert to yellow.
Vocal mellifluousness in broadcast announcers is inversely proportional to physical attractiveness. So this story says. Although in my experience ugly voices and ugly faces go together. Remember the most irritating promo man in TV history, the late Ernie "The Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuve Boat" Anderson? A fat slob. And if I were a woman I wouldn't want to be on a blind date with Casey "Shaggy" "Mondayat87centralonNBCeeeeeeee" "My Religion Right or Wrong and Never Wrong" Kasem. (Not that he's mellifluous; he's closer to miseriferous.)
Nirvana comes to conservatives: Pfizer is now one of the world's largest corporations by market cap.
Today, Viagra, tomorrow...brave new world!
Today, Viagra, tomorrow...brave new world!
The right hand of the right-hand party doesn't know what the left hand of the right-hand party is doing.
We're lucky Sen. Frist is leaving that august outhouse, otherwise someone might have to root through his closets.
We're lucky Sen. Frist is leaving that august outhouse, otherwise someone might have to root through his closets.
Yet more evidence that corporate sports sponsorship is a waste of money. If an ever-bigger chunk of Kemper's money weren't going into the purse it would still sponsor this golf tournament. There comes a time when sanity must override vanity.
A flight risk? I'd worry she'd seduce another FBI agent.
Experiments on Monkeys Zero in on SARS Cause
I'm surprised Howell isn't complaining they're experimenting on monkeys.
I'm surprised Howell isn't complaining they're experimenting on monkeys.
AFTRA, the union of $1 million-an-episode non-actors and $1 million-a-year local news 'dos, is boycotting Cheap Channel in New York.
The war begins! ha ha ha.
The war begins! ha ha ha.
It's not $10 million for Slick or $8 million for Ms. Rodham, but the Diz's deal with Karenna has a typical -- smell.
The networks are going back to sitcoms full-bore.
Network executives like beating their heads against the wall. That's how they get so intelligent.
Network executives like beating their heads against the wall. That's how they get so intelligent.
The League of Nations's stand (no doubt): The Palestinians say Abu Abbas's arrest violates the Camp David accords.
Leaving aside that they were signed by the Willie, someone must tell the Palis again and again:
Leaving aside that they were signed by the Willie, someone must tell the Palis again and again:
YOUR SIDE LOST.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
AS I'VE SAID, open your mouths, celebrities, and you close our wallets.
And this is Sumner's VH1 talking.
And this is Sumner's VH1 talking.
Despite the most intense efforts of Catholic leaders to bury their heads in the sand, the priests-'n'-pedophilia scandal just won't quit.
The weenie Sen. Fitzgerald from Illinois decides not to seek hereditary status -- er, reelection.
BRING BACK CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN!
BRING BACK CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN!
Burger King's in worse shape than McDonald's. Despite new ownership trying to fix it up I wonder if the burger chains are so undifferentiated, are so linked by their gastronomic mediocrity and bad upkeep and obsessive advertising, as to all be in permanent decline. (Wendy's has escaped this by going upscale, but a few false steps by Uncle Dave's survivors and they'll be in the leaky S. S. Hamburger too.)
I'm shocked! SHOCKED! A "Christian" rock band uses four-letter words and takes Christ's name in vain during an Entertainment Weekly (or EW!) interview. "Christian" music has become just another avenue for no-talents who'd otherwise be playing the Great White circuit to get a contract and exposure; their Christianity is a gimmick, just like the bumps and grinds of the overaged strippers who taught Gypsy Rose. But then ever since the hack Ralph Carmichael created the world of junk Christian pop with its equivocal, secular lyrics and sappy sing-songy melodies ("Youuuuuuuuuuu liiiiiiiiiiiight up myyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiiiife....") the music has been in a downward spiral. Taking a few lousy records off the Christian bookstores' shelves won't solve the rot at its heart. As for cynics who will say the band did it to get greater exposure, they're getting greater exposure in a lesser market. (Linked on Romenesko; I might not have found it otherwise. Thanks for once, Jim!)
It's The Washington Times, but it seems CNN got its news on Iraq from The Loudmouth.
If this weren't a CONSERVATIVE story Eason Jordan would resign.
If this weren't a CONSERVATIVE story Eason Jordan would resign.
The news hacks anoint another hero in academe.
Don't these idiots realize by turning their parchments into preachments they risk the livelihoods of thousands of printers and secretaries and truck drivers and delivery people who don't earn six digits and the right to plant their feet on their desks all day? And with their huge losses of recent years these quack pseudo-religionists should be the last to take their readers for granted.
Don't these idiots realize by turning their parchments into preachments they risk the livelihoods of thousands of printers and secretaries and truck drivers and delivery people who don't earn six digits and the right to plant their feet on their desks all day? And with their huge losses of recent years these quack pseudo-religionists should be the last to take their readers for granted.
Days after Steve "Sumner" Jobs announces he wants to rule the universe (or at least the Universal Music), here comes an inconvenient report charging his company honors the Arab boycott of Israel. I guess in the Arab world "Think Different" means thinking like everyone else.
Next time, Steve, follow IBM's old motto: "Think."
Next time, Steve, follow IBM's old motto: "Think."
Roy Williams celebrates his loss in the College Basketball for Dummies final by taking the job at NC.
Wasn't it a "dream job" for the last guy too?
Wasn't it a "dream job" for the last guy too?
I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY
Tell that to the judge.
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY
Tell that to the judge.
Monday, April 14, 2003
Tim Russert did pop the question to Rummy -- is Cuba next? -- and he said no, but didn't completely rule it out.
Justice Kennedy -- a liberal -- speaks out against choosing Federal judges based on "litmus tests"? Hmmmm.
First, it's war movies. Next, it's musicals. Next, it'll be historical pageants. Everything Hollywood touches turns to dud. Why make such movies knowing they've already been made, the old ones are far better, and the new ones will irredeemably stink?
Here's one (perhaps the only) instance of the antiwar kooks getting it right: why must Tony Blair lick up to RUPERT?
How debased have we come when we shrug our shoulders like the Vichys at AK-47s in schools?
Proof the BBC is biased: Frank "The Gliberal" Rich loves it, giving the FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS motto as the reason.
Well whadya know? Some investors are alleging AOL bigwigs engaged in insider trading. How else could they have engineered the deal of the ages?
The "major combat" is over, in far less than the months, years, decades, centuries, millennia so many predicted.
The Three Stooges don't get the laughs the way they used to. Especially from soccer moms.
As is painfully clear from the story of a writer who discovered "the other side," America's effete snobs have built themselves a Berlin Wall of the mind to protect their ignorance.
A true-believing hack who ghosted Paul "Ol' Man Stalin" Robeson's autobiography has died.
No doubt what he left out was far more than he put in.
No doubt what he left out was far more than he put in.
Unless he gets his monopolistic -- er, competitive juices flowing soon, the Feds may view John "The Don" Malone's media company as a mutual fund.
A Mafia boss running a mutual fund? That's a laugh.
A Mafia boss running a mutual fund? That's a laugh.
"For those who care intelligently about the security of the country, it's just not safe yet to vote Democratic."
Will it ever be?
Will it ever be?
Sunday, April 13, 2003
As the great Jack Paar would say, "I kid you not": Here's a web site called www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com.
Amazing!
Amazing!
Death can concentrate a soldier's mind wonderfully. Especially when he doesn't want to fight.
The longer the Pope lingers, the more his reputation suffers. With his stern challenge of European communism he was one of the few heroes of recent history, but in the last year he went stone deaf over pedophilia among his American clerics, and then he came out with the antiwar nuts. Now, with Iraq decided, the Pope speaks in platitudes. John Paul seems unable to realize no Pope can speak with authority on war after the Vatican's shameful reticence during the Holocaust. This is the tragedy of a man ossifying in office.
Another reason I could scream at liberals (and why the antiwar protestors will protest until hell freezes over): Conservatives mustn't have a "litmus test," but liberals can. Only they needn't call it a litmus test.
This from the mouth of John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh" Kerry, who's established himself in short order as one of the most conniving men in American politics.
This from the mouth of John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh" Kerry, who's established himself in short order as one of the most conniving men in American politics.
Sports hacks like the multi-millionaire "Morrie" "Conversations with Myself" Albom (apologies to Bill Evans) are screaming McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at Baseball's Hall of Fame. To which I say, look at Mr. Arrogant Blunder, then look to Augusta National, and then SHUT UP.
NewsMax (no one else seems to be reporting this) states that we've captured less than a third of the number of POWs we detained during Gulf War I. Mr. Arrogant Blunder of Newsweak would say the soldiers are in hiding. I say The Iraqis had no fight in them.
Gen. Garner (remember that name) gets off to the right start. I just hope his offer doesn't include Democrats (chuckle chuckle).
Shucks, here we stick our necks out for one of the greatest causes in American history, Howell, and what does it get us? A crowd of maybe 100? A congresspoop named Maloney? We were supposed to storm the gates of Augusta National with our righteous indignation! Even Je$$e didn't show! What happened? One thing's foreordained: we'll never read about it in the Times.
I wonder if SuperRummy gave thought to looting before the operation. The sooner we get a handle on it the less damage to our aims. Trouble is, this seems to be far down his agenda.
Now it's a "template server." Is there a day when something doesn't go wrong with Blogger?
Here's betting publishing isn't restored until tomorrow -- or maybe Tuesday. Or maybe -- I can't even get my page up. This will be a long time fixing itself. (We can't count on Google's three interns doing anything.)
Here's betting publishing isn't restored until tomorrow -- or maybe Tuesday. Or maybe -- I can't even get my page up. This will be a long time fixing itself. (We can't count on Google's three interns doing anything.)