THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, April 26, 2003
Speaking of publicists, no one would have noticed the death of one Barney Oldfield at 93 except that he was an aide to Ike during the war and did press work for the likes of "Errol Flynn, Elizabeth Taylor and Ronald Reagan."
To me, that's a charmed life.
To me, that's a charmed life.
Friendly parental "advice" from Tribune Company: don't see The Real Cancun with your child. Especially if he's in it.
Not that the parents have to worry. The AOL film, despite HEAVY promotion from publicists like Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein, is bombing at the B.O., contrary to his undoubtable CW belief that low-budget films must always be profitable.
Not that the parents have to worry. The AOL film, despite HEAVY promotion from publicists like Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein, is bombing at the B.O., contrary to his undoubtable CW belief that low-budget films must always be profitable.
Hello! HELLO! Mr. Gates? Howell Raines. YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM! I'M AS FAMOUS AS YOU! Listen, do you know of anyone working on time machines? I'm trying to get myself transported back to 1969 and hello? HELLO?!?
I would bet the links between Irag and Osama are tenuous, not the strong bonds of evil between al Qaeda and the stone-age Taliban. Nevertheless, the links grow more conclusive; only the DYKEs would dismiss them.
Sounds like Fred "The Ac-TOR" Thompson dropped the ball on the Mata Hari biz.
I'm glad he's back in Hollyweird now.
I'm glad he's back in Hollyweird now.
Surprise, surprise. Saddam bought off news hacks too. And Dr. Wiretap got five grand for his legal-defense fund.
Who else is on the list?
Who else is on the list?
I recall during the Trenting how conservatives oozed rapturous at the thought of Don Nickles as majority leader. Now Bob Novak says he was the leading traitor behind the tax-cut deal.
These folks can never get things right, can they.
These folks can never get things right, can they.
U.S. media mock Toronto
After what your nation's holier-than-thou rulers screeched about us, you're lucky it's just Toronto.
After what your nation's holier-than-thou rulers screeched about us, you're lucky it's just Toronto.
Okay Howell, which side do we take this time -- the lawyer for terrorists? (In Howell's world, they can only take one side. At least CUNY Law School's dean is taking the right side.)
How long before The Osama Channel and all of Saddam's other media mouths start calling this "the American puppet government in Iraq"?
Listen cretins, you had your home-grown Saddam for over twenty years. That god failed.
Listen cretins, you had your home-grown Saddam for over twenty years. That god failed.
Big Bird pens a tell-all.
And despite all those years on Sesame Street, he couldn't do it himself. He needed a ghost.
And despite all those years on Sesame Street, he couldn't do it himself. He needed a ghost.
Ramsey Clark's Strange Political Odyssey
Ramsey Clark's STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE.
Oh well, he served in LBJ's cabinet with the man Bob "The Crackpot" Dornan always used to call Robert STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE MacNamara. And of course we must not forget the other long-running pestilences to emerge from those disastrous days: Jack the Wizened Prune and Bill "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, I am God" Moyers.
(Don't ask me why that heading appears only on the front page, not the story. Maybe they knew people would make fun of him.)
Ramsey Clark's STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE.
Oh well, he served in LBJ's cabinet with the man Bob "The Crackpot" Dornan always used to call Robert STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE MacNamara. And of course we must not forget the other long-running pestilences to emerge from those disastrous days: Jack the Wizened Prune and Bill "The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, I am God" Moyers.
(Don't ask me why that heading appears only on the front page, not the story. Maybe they knew people would make fun of him.)
You can be sure the INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY, which could not (and would not) stop Saddam and his evil, will throw a tantrum to end all tantrums that WE will conduct war-crimes trials.
Back in the crib, crybabies.
Back in the crib, crybabies.
Friday, April 25, 2003
A nation that commits a million abortions a year without second thoughts yet finds it in its soft heart and mushy head to bury its pets in cemeteries, compete with flowers and toys.
Ick.
Ick.
The Toady Brothers want to put out an issue of Spy's Greatest Hits.
Can't you let sleeping dogs lie?
Can't you let sleeping dogs lie?
It's NEWSMAX (and it's also Don "The Tired-Poor-Blooded-Pundit's-Best-Friend" Imus), but here it is: Paul "Conason-of-a-B" Begala gets less face time on CNN, and he likens Dubya to Kim Jong Il.
What are you waiting for, Eason? CANCEL HIM!
What are you waiting for, Eason? CANCEL HIM!
We still aren't sure what destroyed Columbia, and already NASA wants to send another crew up in one of its orbiting jalopies. PLEASE!
And as proof of their bet-hedging, they haven't named a time. Great.
And as proof of their bet-hedging, they haven't named a time. Great.
RUPERT!!!!!!!!! says Reuters, the "they're not terrorists, they're freedom fighters!" news agency, is "in retreat."
It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of hacks.
It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of hacks.
Rummy says some of the high-mucky-muck ex-Iraqis in custody are talking.
I'll bet they have lots to say.
I'll bet they have lots to say.
The tire-necklace lady and ex-wife of the Conscience of the World is sentenced to prison for fraud. How becoming.
The story was broken several days ago by the Telegraph, and I'd ignored it in part because of the libel suit, and Andy "Compulsion" S.'s doubts, but now it's starting to smell big-time. If true, this account of how Iraq allegedly paid $10 million to a British MP testifies to one of the greatest outrages since World War II. I'm not sure I wouldn't execute this man for treason.
The nice thing about the Iraq war is that it kept needless stories like this off the tabloids' front pages. I'd almost be for another war if it would do it again.
It's NEWSMAX, but apparently the reporter who quoted Sen. Dennis Day is married to John "Trust Me! I'm Joosh!" Kerry's campaign manager.
And let us not forget, the AP (where the reporter works) is run by Curley.
And let us not forget, the AP (where the reporter works) is run by Curley.
NYUK! NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!
Hmmm, Saddam pulled off at least 66 successful assassinations.
Dyke, you hear that Dyke? Dyke? DYKE!!!!!!!!!!
Dyke, you hear that Dyke? Dyke? DYKE!!!!!!!!!!
Contrary to widely circulated reports, O.J. Simpson said Thursday he won't be the star of a reality television show, but might consider becoming a news commentator for actor Robert Blake's murder trial.
Well, if anyone knows anything about MURDER, it's OJ.
Who ya gonna commentate for, Juice? The Osama Channel?
Well, if anyone knows anything about MURDER, it's OJ.
Who ya gonna commentate for, Juice? The Osama Channel?
Hey Rummy, take it from us, you're not the only one who doesn't want the ya-yas running Iraq.
But will the General pull a Carteresque end-around? Here's hoping not.
But will the General pull a Carteresque end-around? Here's hoping not.
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Cosseted collegiate eggheads are still applying a jackhammer to the First Amendment. That FIRE (I'm surprised our usually reliable news hacks didn't call the group CONSERVATIVE) is suing Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania, a boonies kind of state school, proves it can happen anywhere.
Sorry Dickie V, this and "glory" go hand in glove.
Sorry Dickie V, this and "glory" go hand in glove.
After chasing away untold millions of baseball fans and opening the floodgates of greed (not to mention inventing the SELIG SIGN®), Bud "Zelig" Selig, Bill Gates without the brains, announces he will finally QUIT -- in 2006.
Who's the man who'll be worse than Zelig?
Who's the man who'll be worse than Zelig?
"I'm not truly embarrassed that, you know, President Bush is from my state, that's not really what I care about....It was the wrong wording with genuine emotion and questions and concern behind it...."
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh....
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh....
Saddam may have executed 300,000 Shi'ites. Meantime, his son Uday lived a life of "heroin, pornography, [and] guns."
Good going, Dyke!
Good going, Dyke!
Oooh, a TRIB paper told one of its writers to stop blogging because he was -- COMPETITION. OOOOOOOOoooooooooooh. "There are 325 other people here who could create similar [Web sites] for themselves," the editor screamed. 325 sites to one -- yours. That's no contest.
Another reason not to trust the establishment press.
Another reason not to trust the establishment press.
Gov. Pataki wants to build the Shards fast.
Well, given that the site's still a hole in the ground now, at least the Gov's sending a statement that he won't tolerate inaction much longer.
Well, given that the site's still a hole in the ground now, at least the Gov's sending a statement that he won't tolerate inaction much longer.
Knowing the JERKS who kowtow to Sum -- er, who write show-biz news, when this hack at the Journals died, the hack at the Times was saying, "Whew! Still safe."
Show-biz news hacks wouldn't report the truth if the Lord God commmanded them to. They'll toady until the last days.
And a hack el supremo celebrates fifty years at that home of empty blurbs, Variety. Army wouldn't last that long now. He'd already have been through three executive jobs.
Show-biz news hacks wouldn't report the truth if the Lord God commmanded them to. They'll toady until the last days.
And a hack el supremo celebrates fifty years at that home of empty blurbs, Variety. Army wouldn't last that long now. He'd already have been through three executive jobs.
A BBC Dyke (that's his last name) blasts FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!News and Cheap Channel for -- guess.
Hey Dyke, you were the international voice of the antiwar movement, and one of your former stars is at The Osama Channel. SHUT UP.
Hey Dyke, you were the international voice of the antiwar movement, and one of your former stars is at The Osama Channel. SHUT UP.
The leftists are laughing: Half of Cuba's population must be informers. Could they be liberated even if they were liberated?
It's so bad there that members of an anti-U.S.-embargo group quit en masse.
It's so bad there that members of an anti-U.S.-embargo group quit en masse.
When someone mentions a "public health crisis" -- in this case, an increase in traffic-ralted deaths -- the cure ends up being worse than the disease. What shall we ever do? Ban SUVs? Ban alcohol? How do we ever get to ZERO traffic deaths, o wizards of public policy?
Perhaps all those signs of "Down down U.S.A." and all those true believers butchering their heads prompted it, but a "leading" Iraqi imam seems ready to admit common sense into his newly freed republic. So maybe we won't have QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Variation 72.
Andy S. is obsessing over Sen. Dennis Day. Maybe he thinks he can pull off another Trent. But then Bill Frist hasn't exactly been the Boy Wonder of the Senate, has he, and even if we get Dennis to resign (and wouldn't that be a politically-correct resignation, Andy? I thought you didn't like those things), we'd still have Sen. Ossified Kleagle. Okay, OKAY Andy, Dennis is a HOMOPHOBE, but if every American were called upon to quit a job for evil thoughts, we'd be all unemployed. Cut the comedy, Andy. You're too good at it.
So much of America's public life has become a Hobson's choice. The proposed asbestos trust fund sounds like a boondoggle or fraud in the making, but where we once believed in God, we believe in lawyers. Oh well....
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Another form of Rendelling is to get some big movie star or burgeoning media maven to make a grandiose promise of building a movie studio. Hey, that's the ticket to hiring more high paid janitors, launderers, bellhops...So why is Toronto abandoning its efforts to build one? Mayors who pursue such pipe dreams should ask themselves, do they really need half-block-size warehouses that will sit vacant most the time? We already have too many of those in our ghettos.
I think we just found Congressman Weathervane a campaign slogan:
TAX 'N' SPEND!! TAX 'N' SPEND!!
Only in the loony land of the Beltway would a man like Weathervane be lauded for boldness, applauded as a hero.
Or as a colleague at Washington Post Magazine wrote, "AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES." (They editorialize, we remind.)
TAX 'N' SPEND!! TAX 'N' SPEND!!
Only in the loony land of the Beltway would a man like Weathervane be lauded for boldness, applauded as a hero.
Or as a colleague at Washington Post Magazine wrote, "AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES." (They editorialize, we remind.)
Travel Holiday, a descendant of the long-demolished Curtis empire, is being folded by Hachette (gesundheit!), the Saddam-related French media empire.
You must ask yourself, how many magazines could fold without anyone noticing -- or caring? Half? Three-quarters? I wouldn't want to guess. Travel Holiday's surely one of them, except to its staffers.
You must ask yourself, how many magazines could fold without anyone noticing -- or caring? Half? Three-quarters? I wouldn't want to guess. Travel Holiday's surely one of them, except to its staffers.
What do Elvis impersonators, catfish health, tattoos, a statue of the Roman god Vulcan, and the Pennsylvania Trolley Museum have in common?
Two guesses. One upper and one lower.
Two guesses. One upper and one lower.
As we secure the loot in Iraq we should pay mind to a word that begins with the letter C, that goes naturally with oil companies -- besides Cheney.
Ka-CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Dickie V, I think we found something less about glory than Hoops City, rrrrrr-in-a-soycle!
Hey Dickie V, I think we found something less about glory than Hoops City, rrrrrr-in-a-soycle!
La Belle Fatso's facing an unauthorized hatchet job on Showtime (as opposed to her E!!!!! network show, which was authorized). Among the juicier tidbits: "the breast king of Houston" gave her a pair of "stacked" implants, and carrying all that weight around caused so much pain she got addicted to Vicodin. And this charmer: "Anna once slipped [her eighty-something personal U.S. Mint J. Howard] Marshall a Valium when he didn't want to go shopping with her at Harry Winston. Once Marshall 'didn't know where he was,' according to his private nurse, Anna went inside the store and splurged on over $1 million in jewels."
Hardy har har!
Hardy har har!
Those that have long thought eBay stock was too expensive have been chronically wrong because the growth has been so strong, says Christa Sober, analyst with Thomas Weisel Partners.
The news hacks' pounding of the table that helped bring on the Internet bubble has not entirely gone away. It will return, when conditions are right -- with a vengeance.
The news hacks' pounding of the table that helped bring on the Internet bubble has not entirely gone away. It will return, when conditions are right -- with a vengeance.
THE STRANGE, TWISTED WORLD OF SHOW-BIZ: when a conservative goes after his enemies, it's McCARTHYISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the record industry goes after students, it's profits.
VICIOUS HAND-TO-HAND STREET FIGHTING WILL...er, we underestimated the strength of the Shi'ites.
This is the same company that gave us THE BLAME GAME BEGINS and AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES.
This is the same company that gave us THE BLAME GAME BEGINS and AN ARROGANT BLUNDER FOR THE AGES.
Through much of radio's history, and in the early days of television, sponsors had the guts to put their names up front: The Texaco Star Theater, The Colgate Comedy Hour, The Admiral Broadway Revue. Now they're doing the same thing -- but they're not upfront. Why? Because (as always) the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers wants to finance junk television -- without taking responsibility for it. We can never hope for even the slightest improvement to the medium (assuming improvement is possible) so long as the members think sponsoring bad TV is an OBLIGATION.
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
Those who believe Iraq cannot democratize must agree: even a half-democratic Russia is better than the Soviet Union.
Susan Sontag says: "I'm absolutely in favor of military intervention to stop genocide."
And besides, Bill has such sexy eyes.
And besides, Bill has such sexy eyes.
Fill in the blank: "Infinity targets testy Stern for mainline advertisers..."
Who don't give a damn about testy listeners.
Who don't give a damn about testy listeners.
Let's give a Bronx cheer to that radio dolt who'll
Sell millions of boxes of his Whole-Grain Total.
(That's a slant rhyme, you see. Slant rhymes give poetry character. I'm the Charles Kuralt of poesy.)
Sell millions of boxes of his Whole-Grain Total.
(That's a slant rhyme, you see. Slant rhymes give poetry character. I'm the Charles Kuralt of poesy.)
Yes, you're right Richard, conservatives have RUPERT!!!!!!!!!! But your side has Pee-tah, and Peter, and Robert "Beat Me" Fisk -- in spades. SHUT UP, RICHARD.
In its early manifestations the Ford Thunderbird was one of the most memorable cars ever made. Everyone knows the short sleek look of the beginning, but I like the '58, which made it a real cruising automobile; the '62, the perfect convertible, a vision in ovals; even the '64 with those unique square tail lights. Then the American auto industry started building look-alike clunkers, and the Thunderbird became just another car. Recently Ford tried to revive it, but after the initial "buzz" (I hate that word; it's made for news-hack dishonesty) sales petered out, and now the company's discontinuing it. There'll never be another great looking car -- from Detroit or anywhere else.
It's a shame a Frank Loesser isn't around to write, say, "The Ballad of Ronald Young." Welcome home, soldier!
I wish I could remember the writer who coined the thought, "Organizations not explicitly conservative will turn liberal over time." Nowhere is this more true than with charitable foundations, founded by frugal, conservative men or their offspring, engaged in loony-leftist social engineering. Think The Ford Foundation for one. (Although to be sure, Henry Ford wasn't conservative, he was an ill-educated reactionary bigot.) So the news that one of the biggest foundations has seen its investments plummet can only be good news.
Thanks, Blogger, for bringing up someone else's page when I click "View Web page"!
Another thoughtcrime, about to be duly punished by news hacks.
I find it hard to take Rick Santorum seriously because he looks like Dennis Day -- a boyish, goofy look -- and I expect to hear him break out any moment in "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." Honestly Howells, I think there are more worthy opponents for your zeal. If only they weren't all CONSERVATIVES.
I'm sorry that most of my opening posts are about news hacks, and seem of an obsessive nature, but with news hacks, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
I find it hard to take Rick Santorum seriously because he looks like Dennis Day -- a boyish, goofy look -- and I expect to hear him break out any moment in "When Irish Eyes are Smiling." Honestly Howells, I think there are more worthy opponents for your zeal. If only they weren't all CONSERVATIVES.
I'm sorry that most of my opening posts are about news hacks, and seem of an obsessive nature, but with news hacks, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.
It is true that we helped replace the Shah with the Ayatollah Koo-koomeini, and we could be doing the same thing in Iraq -- but all that talk of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has severely damaged these clowns' ability to be believed.
Now Dubya is about to go beyond eeeeeeeeeeeevil: He's going to start his campaign next year around 9/11 anniversary time.
Sic 'em Howell -- with an Augusta! HA HA HA!
Sic 'em Howell -- with an Augusta! HA HA HA!
Let's see: 400,000 Arabs live in metropolitan Detroit. Two men with "photocopies of immigration papers" are being held on suspicion of wanting to blow up a busy Detroit-area bridge.
Nah, no connection.
Nah, no connection.
Count on some of Patrick's (would-be) friends to start another TREND: stupid baby-naming.
Another tear-out-your-hair-in-frustration column by Patrick "The Mogul's Friend" Goldstein. It has become virtually as impossible to get show-biz news hacks and their ad-blurb copywriter brethren to say a bad thing about their biz -- even in the most obvious of circumstances -- as it is impossible to get the loony leftists to say a good thing about Dubya. It's all sales, and doing favors, and hooking that job. I'm tired of getting toadying with my Web surfing.
NEWS HACKS STRIKE AGAIN: Buried deep in this story about "spoofing" is the implication that the thoughts of one of those "activists" spoofed, a professor with "controversial" "pro-Palestinian views," may not be that different from the faked thoughts on the e-mailed spoofs. Why should reading a simple story require your own detective work? And why must everything news hacks do rely solely on trust?
Monday, April 21, 2003
I can recall when some especially lunkheaded news hacks in Lancaster, P-A did a banner headline calling Carl Lewis LEGENDARY. Well, we all know what happened to LEGENDARY Welch, and now LEGENDARY Lewis has joined him in the annals of dubiousness.
Another kind of Rendelling is to aggressively push for gambling. Gambling will pay for anything and everything. (Ed wanted a riverboat casino here in Philadelphia.) Bankrupts, divorces, suicides -- they're just weaklings. WE NEED THE DOUGH!!!!!
Disney wears the public affronts of its Arthouse Films unit like a badge of honor. So it will be interesting to see what Mickey Mouse Michael does with this one: does he release it through "another company" (as he's done before), or does he take the heat and win himself another badge?
Let me guess: Yes, the show will take the angels' side, and no, the members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers won't pull out, because they desperately want to be "hip." Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!
LINE OF THE WEEK, about a Hank Williams Sr. revue (from John Simon, who else?):
There’s not enough cheatin’ heart and way too much bleatin’ throat.
Sorry Mr. Simon, I very much like Hank. But this is still a good line.
There’s not enough cheatin’ heart and way too much bleatin’ throat.
Sorry Mr. Simon, I very much like Hank. But this is still a good line.
PARAGRAPHS OF THE WEEK:
American and European intellectual elites were not moved to action when 182,000 Kurds — a people who trace their history back more than 3,000 years — were slaughtered by Saddam Hussein.
The chattering classes hardly flinched when Saddam drained the wetlands of southern Iraq, destroying the environment of the Marsh Arabs and, with it, a 5,000-year-old way of life.
But now they’ve got their dander up: Iraq’s antiquities have been vandalized.
That the Iraq National Museum was looted is, of course, a tragedy. But isn’t it curious that the same people who now insist that U.S. Marines should have used lethal force to protect cuneiform tablets were, just a few weeks ago, arguing that only non-military actions were appropriate to stop Saddam’s looting of billions of dollars worth of oil wealth — not to mention his mass murders of ancient peoples?
This from a former New York Times correspondent. Must've been too conservative.
American and European intellectual elites were not moved to action when 182,000 Kurds — a people who trace their history back more than 3,000 years — were slaughtered by Saddam Hussein.
The chattering classes hardly flinched when Saddam drained the wetlands of southern Iraq, destroying the environment of the Marsh Arabs and, with it, a 5,000-year-old way of life.
But now they’ve got their dander up: Iraq’s antiquities have been vandalized.
That the Iraq National Museum was looted is, of course, a tragedy. But isn’t it curious that the same people who now insist that U.S. Marines should have used lethal force to protect cuneiform tablets were, just a few weeks ago, arguing that only non-military actions were appropriate to stop Saddam’s looting of billions of dollars worth of oil wealth — not to mention his mass murders of ancient peoples?
This from a former New York Times correspondent. Must've been too conservative.
What does it say that The Disney Network won a ratings slot yesterday with a nearly 50-year-old movie -- The Ten Commandments? It says TV ratings stink, or TV programs stink. Or maybe both.
Oh oh! Alan Greenspan may be mortal!
But I guess Wall Street's said the same thing these last few years.
But I guess Wall Street's said the same thing these last few years.
And speaking of the Barney, it does seem highly odd that any "mainstream" Protestant denomination would convict any minister of anything. After all, Catholic clerics prove you can have a good time wearing a collar.
Oooooooooh. Six Congressmen live in quarters financed by a secretive Christian group. BAAAAAD.
Now if Barney Frank started a...never mind.
Now if Barney Frank started a...never mind.
Here's news to make my day -- rap: IN TROUBLE! BUT, this is the Boston Globe (A NEW YORK TIMES COMPANY), and if it had any say this junk would be so "edgy" and anti-Semitic and hate-filled -- though it's impossible how it could be any more so -- that it would...win raves from the likes of Renee Graham. QED.
I've a suspicion business travel is to the lower-level executive what Chevy Chase Syndrome (i.e., showing off at the Super Bowl and the Olympics) is to the CEO: a flaunting of purpose and a thorough waste of time and money that doesn't produce anything. Will the world be a worse place with fewer flights? Maybe these paper pushers can get some work done.
Well, well! Iraq "destroyed" its WMDs before the war began. One could either say likely story or we were right all along. I prefer we were right all along.
I also wish I knew why the flip side of QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and THE BLAME GAME BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is ADVERTISING. The SOLE purpose of this story is to sell a movie. That much is obvious from the mere presence of Jack the Wizened Prune's sidekick Paul Dreck. These stories are as egregious and superfluous as the LALA Times's on the little girl who died from a hospital's errors, and like QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the news hacks won't stop producing them, and THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THEM! That's why people hate news hacks: they're almost always wrong and frequently irresponsible, and neither God nor man can halt the flow of their noxious verbal sludge.
The same nincompoops who find it in their wallets to finance The Osama Channel and Hezbollah TV have actually decided they don't want to fund reality TV? MadAve and its clients need a visit to a psychiatrist. They're supposed to waste money on bad TV. It's their constitutional duty. It's written into their corporate charters. THIS IS UN-AMERICAN!!!!!
One reason Ed Rendell is now our governor is that he had a master plan -- to convert every second-tier office building in Philadelphia into apartments. The city's hemorrhaging jobs, so he brings us just what we need -- apartments. Now some clown is about to engage in major-league Rendelling by converting an office complex in Frisco, 88% occupied, into apartments. The neighborhood is said to be (overused news-hack word here) HOT. It's a dumb idea. WHY?
I've said it before, but I wish I knew why news hacks must inflict private tragedies on us. Yes, yes, it's a story about hospital errors, but this ground has been covered before -- remember the teenage girl with the botched transplant at Duke? That wasn't too long ago -- and more such repetitive stories won't prevent more errors or bring back those who died, and there's already enough heartbreak in our lives. This is like piling Ossa on Pelion. We don't need it.
Sunday, April 20, 2003
As a business scandal, HealthSouth is the best of all possible worlds: it combines Enroning, Welching, insider trading, government fleecing, celebrity worship, and a personality cult (sorry hard-core conservatives, NOT JUST COMMUNISTS DO IT). The next time a knee-jerk of the greed persuasion like Jim Glassman chants the code phrase FREE ENTERPRISE, say "Enron." OR "HealthSouth."
There'll always be an England, and there'll always be a New York Times.
"Ze Unitedd States has 5% of ze glllobal popula-cion, so it's nawt up to zem to manage ze worrrld. Maybe one day zey shood understand and accept zat.
"After all, more peopll in ze worrrrld speak FRRRENCH!"
"After all, more peopll in ze worrrrld speak FRRRENCH!"
Now the news hacks have their memo with which to flog a dead horse!
Uh, scribblers, do you think maybe there are more important things to do in war than protecting museums?
Uh, scribblers, do you think maybe there are more important things to do in war than protecting museums?
The continuing saga of Mata Hari and her sex slaves provides a strong case for implementing the death penalty in the most severe espionage cases. While these traitors are alive, they can still do damage -- even from prison.
Meantime, the Mata appeals to Howell for help. He's above seducing.
Meantime, the Mata appeals to Howell for help. He's above seducing.
The Cannes Film Festival should be a REAL love-in this year: their weasels and ours. The stench could do far more harm than Saddam's WMDs.
Did people yearn for Hitler to return from the bunker? He must have had fans in his hometown too.
Sacked? or executed?
I can hear the cry from Bentonville now: "Execute them! EXECUTE THEM!!!!!" (They never did care for human rights.)
This will happen when a third of our economy is at stake. How did we let Wal-Mart grow so big?
I can hear the cry from Bentonville now: "Execute them! EXECUTE THEM!!!!!" (They never did care for human rights.)
This will happen when a third of our economy is at stake. How did we let Wal-Mart grow so big?
Jack the Wizened Prune gets two million federal bucks (from which corrupt senator?) to make screens flicker so evil pirates can't record their images with camcorders.
Want to bet audiences start complaining of eye strain? Oh, I forgot. Moviegoers are blind.
Want to bet audiences start complaining of eye strain? Oh, I forgot. Moviegoers are blind.