Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

"Robbie speaks his mind and is edgy and we were looking for someone like that to fit the brand. He himself has said that he no longer takes drugs."

Ulli! You've just earned an HONORARY CHAIRMANSHIP of the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS!

P. S. He worked for P&G and "Wrigley Jr." so he's EMINENTLY qualified.

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

I agree political writing is getting worse -- how could it not be with ANN!!!!!!!!!! and KOS!!!!!!!!!! -- but if only The Econowiz offered more than right-wing examples.

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

We've found a GAWDAWFUL "BLOG" -- and natch, it's run by an AD TRADE RAG.

This is what makes me mad: I have a one-man operation, and VNU runs dozens of rags including The Hollywood Stenographer with tens of thousands of employees -- these clowns also own the Nielsen numerical magic works -- and it calls this piece of junk a "BLOG." Sorry, it's just ANOTHER PAGE ON YOUR INFERIOR BIGMEDIA WEB SITE.

Posted 4:07 PM by Gene

Some kids boasted of their not-non-alcoholic drinking parties on the Web.

STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID.

Posted 4:03 PM by Gene

The cretins at THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS' bash had "a cigar and cognac luncheon"!

Isn't that being UN-PC?

No, it was sponsored by Yahoo!, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Posted 3:54 PM by Gene

I don't have to be told my blog is another tree falling in another abandoned forest, but to discern a difference between blogs that "matter," blogs that "really matter" and blogs that "really really really" matter stretches credulity.

And yes, I believe Bloglines can't count either.

Posted 3:31 PM by Gene

Ah-NULT signed a bill regulating video-game sales in California with crossed fingers behind his back and re-election at his front.

At several stores in San Francisco, the issue of selling M-rated games to minors appeared to be so touchy that store managers declined to answer questions and ordered a reporter to leave.

TRANSLATION: Many retailers sell the games to minors.

Posted 2:26 PM by Gene

Oh-oh:

"Barbour for President" bumper stickers that suddenly appeared in the Washington area were designed by one of Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour's top political operatives.

Barbour has become a presidential possibility for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination thanks to his handling of Hurricane Katrina on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. His performance compared favorably with disaster management in neighboring Louisiana.

The problem is, Lousiana after the hurricane might make ANYONE look good.

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

Behind the scenes, a half-dozen aides to Senate Democrats - speaking on condition of anonymity to protect their jobs - admit that they are enjoying watching the GOP's right wing beat up the president. None will say whether their bosses feel the same way - or might be insincere when they heap praise on Miers and call her critics unfair.

CONFIRM JUDGE STEALTH!

Posted 1:39 PM by Gene

Don't believe the hype?

From the LALATIMES?

Posted 1:30 PM by Gene

Speaking of bad news, the bad news is -- Delphi, the auto parts supplier, has filed for bankruptcy, as expected.

The worse news is:

GM could also be liable for up to $10 billion to cover the costs of Delphi retiree pension, health care and benefits if the company went bankrupt, part of the agreement to spin off the parts supplier in 1999.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Here's something ELSE for you to finance!!!!!

Posted 1:25 PM by Gene

"The bad news for Tom DeLay is that he might get indicted. The good news is that he would be prosecuted by Ronnie Earle."

Yep, sounds like a joke all around.

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

Alleged Bali bombing mastermind Noordin Mohamed Top narrowly escaped capture Friday after he fled a remote village hours before a pre-dawn raid by anti-terror police on his hideout, police said.

Why when I read things like this do I suspect such folk have help from FRIENDS?

Posted 1:10 PM by Gene

I don't KNOW -- it looks as if THE SLUMP may be getting WORSE!!!!!

P. S. I'm guessing The Gospel would be a con-SER-va-tive movie but it's about BLACKS.

Posted 1:08 PM by Gene

Veteran Hollywood filmmaker Robert Greenwald is turning to a new distribution model -- church groups -- for his latest film, Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price.

On Nov. 13, hundreds of mostly progressive Protestant churches, not cinemas, will open their doors for screenings of....

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, how did RETAILING become POLITICAL?

Posted 12:12 PM by Gene

Prescriptions of mood-altering drugs to kids go UP, prescriptions of mood-altering drugs to kids go DOWN.

Maybe our doctors should go see a doctor.

Posted 11:01 AM by Gene

And elsewhere (speaking of kingdoms) Little Malcolm boasts of the places where he eats. Really Malcolm, it is never enough to show off your wealth, is it.

Posted 10:58 AM by Gene

If Content Is King, Are Consumers Royalty?

No, we're mere peasants as usual -- but if we're a NEWS HACK like PETER we might wiggle our way into the palace as a COURT JESTER, getting laughs and applause from NICK DORKEN.

Posted 9:22 AM by Gene

The thought must take hold: will THE WINDY CITY be the happy beneficiary of RIOTS?

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

And speaking of press releases, here's one for ERR AMERICA!

BUT:

Limbaugh still has about 14.75 million listeners, according to Talkers Magazine. Hannity has about 13 million.

Even the most successful liberal hosts, such as Schultz, Miller and Franken, don't come close yet. None made the top 30 talk radio shows as ranked by Talkers Magazine. [LAST TWO GRAFS.]

Still, KnightRidder did ITS duty. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD (POLITICAL DIVISION) TO STEVE!

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

After the confidential admission of defeat by one of the holy cockroaches can there be any doubt "stories" about their fighting "pronouncements" are nothing but PRESS RELEASES?

If you didn't have press releases you wouldn't have the PRESS.

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

If this purported threat on New York's subways was of so little credibility to the feds why were so many people involved?

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

Here's news: VeriSign is buying Weblogs, that blog pinger that has trouble keeping track of the pings. If a VeriSign can pay $2.3 million for it, think how much it would pay if it WORKED.

Posted 6:09 PM by Gene

A P-Ulitzer winning ad-blurbist trips, stumbles and falls over the truth:

In December 1948, the renowned broadcaster Edward R. Murrow went on the air to denounce the Red-hunters of the U.S. government who had hounded his friend and mentor Laurence Duggan, a former State Department employee, to suicide.

One can almost imagine the drama: The distinguished newsman, once the voice of blitzed London, hair slicked back, a nub of cigarette in his hand radiating vapors, face as rigid as an Old Testament elder, using that deep voice and crooning rhetoric to lambaste the puny minds of the House Un-American Activities Committee that had so besmirched Larry's good name that the man had leapt in despair from a 16th-floor window.

But you won't find it in "Good Night, and Good Luck," George Clooney's mounting of the dramatic confrontation between the estimable Murrow and the abrasive junior senator from Wisconsin, Joseph McCarthy.

One can readily see why. Duggan, as it turned out, was a Soviet spy, code-named "19," then "Frank" and finally "Prince."

He was, moreover, one of many Soviet spies embedded in the U.S. government at the time.

And:

Murrow -- he must have had a sense of humor somewhere, huh? -- seems more like John Brown than anyone else, a moral reformer who is never less than 100 percent buttoned down. He looks like the kind of guy who never goes to the bathroom. There's something actually rather dislikable and creepy about someone who takes himself this seriously, and Clooney never lets us see another Ed Murrow. Did the guy drink, joke, pinch bottoms, get angry, root for a ball team, love his kids, read the funnies? You won't find out here.

AND:

We see the reluctant Murrow interviewing Liberace on his other network show, the showbiz-themed "Person to Person," and he asks him if there's a Mrs. Liberace in the near future. Oh, no, replies the sequined pianist, I haven't met the right gal yet. Strathairn, off the television camera, gives a little pained look, as if he realizes that while he crusades for the truth on "See It Now," here on "Person to Person" he's just another liar and fraud, playing a hoax on the public.

And, in the end, a BITTER IRONY:

The movie might have been much more interesting if Clooney had made "Good Night, and Good Luck" -- the title is Murrow's famous sign-off, which probably isn't so famous anymore -- more like "Person to Person" and less like "See It N ow." [SIC]

This ad-blurbist indicts his FELLOW TRUTH TELLERS more than he knows.

We once revered Ed Murrow, and then we too found out about Person to Person, and his brief thought of running for the Senate, and his mistresses (like Marlene and Tallulah and Slick's favorite grandam Mrs. Harriman -- well, he was EXTREMELY handsome); what's more he inspired whole generations of mini-Murrows who inherited his pomposity but not the saving grace of his humility -- HHHHWWWALTER CRRRRONKITE, LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNCORP, THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY. People are less likely to revere whatever's left of his memory when it's misused for two-left-footed propaganda.

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Ole Danbolt Mjoes, the Nobel Committee chairman, denied that prize was a veiled criticism of Washington. "This is not a kick in the legs to any country," he said.

There you go Ole, telling a fib again. You're lucky you're not Pinocchio, or Jimmah would have to cut down your nose and donate the lumber to Habitat for Humanity.

And Dr ElBaradei also played down any suggestion that the decision was politically inspired and said that he had received a congratulatory telephone call from Condoleezza Rice, the US Secretary of State.

"I don’t see it as a critique of the US," he said. "We had a disagreement before the Iraq war - honest disagreement. We could have been wrong; they could have been right."

Happily they were wrong and WE were right -- and I WON $1.3 MILLION! DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

Hey YOUR HOLINESS PINCH! SURE we should have run an article with THIS column?

A Ticket to Bias

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

FORMER CONGRESSMAN COMMIE DELLUMS RUNS TO SUCCEED MAYOR FRUITS-'N'-NUTS IN OAKLAND!

Wasn't breaking wind in the House of Ill Repute enough?

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES need a break from all the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of DUBYA, from all that ANNNNNNNNNNNNGER, SO:

Jessica Biel named sexiest woman alive

TRANSLATION: In five years we won't know who she is either.

If NEWS HACKS devoted half the time they spend on publicity reporting the news THEY MIGHT HAVE A BETTER REPUTATION.

Posted 4:51 PM by Gene

For once the Lord Goddess Oprah solves a crime rather than causing one.

Posted 4:48 PM by Gene

Republicans extend a House vote to help their industry friends, and the Dems SCWEAM an' CWY and TWOW a TANTWUM:

Several Democrats protested that the vote was being held open. "I am informed that every member of Congress who is in town has voted," Democratic whip Rep. Steny Hoyer of Maryland said at one point, when the tally was 210 yes, 214 no.

House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi also complained, saying the proceedings were bringing "dishonor to the House."

Hey Minority Leaders Babs, between Jim "P-Ulitzer" Wright and Rosty you know something about dishonor yourselves -- not that the Republicans haven't LEARNED.

Posted 11:48 AM by Gene

OR:

The White House is a house of pain, and the news class is taking every opportunity to remind us of this fact and, let's face it, to celebrate the downturn. You can't go anywhere in the media without stumbling on an extended discussion of exactly how awful things are for President Bush, how deeply unpopular he's become, how chastened and timid he is, how tattered his record, how dark and dreary the prospects for the rest of his term. The tone is measured, but between the lines you can sense the barely concealed glee....

Journalists as a group have center-liberal tendencies, but in the end, our chief allegiance is not to any political party. We are the party of scandal, failure, ignominy, embarrassment, and tragedy. The more of these horrors afflicting this or any other White House, the better for us.

Hey, the more CONSERVATIVE and REPUBLICAN the president is, the better for YOU!

Posted 11:43 AM by Gene

ROMY's dancing on his desk:

CBS Poll: BOTTOM DROPS OUT FOR PRESIDENT, AND 6 IN 10 WANT OUT OF IRAQ, NOW!!!!!!!!!!

MEDS!! Somebody get Greg his MEDS!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

As the city responded Friday to a potential terrorist threat in its subways, a section of Penn Station was shut down during the morning rush hour as emergency workers in hazardous materials suits investigated a reported toxic substance left in the Manhattan transit hub.

The unidentified substance was inside a soda can found lying near an ATM and the ticket windows in Penn Station, said Amtrak spokeswoman Marcie Golgoski. The can was removed from the facility for testing by the city Department of Environmental Protection, she said.

Probably orange soda.

Posted 11:24 AM by Gene

Old Media's Lame-Duck Days

How many TV shows play on the Web? How many movies? Well of COURSE they can be downloaded illegally, but most people have more sense (assuming most people who watch TV and movies have ANY sense). Well yes, lots of people download songs, but far more people buy them on CDs. Sorry, the WEB still wages its REVOLUTION with pea shooters.

Posted 11:20 AM by Gene

Have the holy cockroaches ever thought of want ads?

I see another future Web zillionaire (this one runs Technorati, which never links to my posts) says 70,000 new blogs are being launched every day -- of which half are SPAM BLOGS (he doesn't say that), and less than FIVE PERCENT will get updated regularly (if PubSub is to be believed; and it uses strange numbers too).

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

To serve in Congress, or even as president, there is no requirement for scholarship and brilliance. For good reason. It is not needed. It can even be a hindrance, as we learned from our experience with Woodrow Wilson, the most intellectually accomplished president of the 20th century and also the worst.

1. TRICKY DICK didn't need brains to screw up too -- although I guess he wasn't as bad as WILSON because he didn't institute an INCOME TAX, booooooooooooooooooooo! 2. Did George "My Business is My Business" Will collaborate on this?

Posted 9:13 AM by Gene

Former FBI Director Decries Clinton Morals

This is news?

Louis Freeh, the FBI director appointed by President Clinton, says his relationship with his boss fell apart because Clinton's "closets were full of skeletons."

Clinton's spokesman said Freeh's account was "a total work of fiction."

Couldn't they both be right?

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

Not everyone is pleased with the new winner of the Jimmy Carter Memorial Nobel Prize:

Terumi Tanaka, secretary-general of Hidankyo, which represents Japanese survivors of the 1945 U.S. bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hidankyo and founder Senji Yamaguchi, a 74-year-old survivor of Nagasaki, had also been nominated: "It's very disappointing. We had hoped that if we were able to win the award, it would give us a big boost and provide great encouragement for 'hibakusha' (atom bomb victims) who are growing old." Asked what he thought of the award being given to the IAEA and ElBaradei, he said: "It's not an organization that has conducted peace activities. It is very disappointing."

That's putting it mildly.

Posted 8:52 AM by Gene

Are corporations fundamentally psychopathic organizations that attract similarly disposed people?

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE, GE BANCORP, BUGMEISTER BILL'S BUGDOM, YAHOO!!!!! and ESPNCORP say YES.

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

A Palestinian leader quoted George W. Bush as saying God told him to invade Iraq, but said he did not take the U.S. president's comment literally and saw it only as a reflection of his faith and commitment.

Is he running for president?

Posted 8:17 AM by Gene

"Advertising is becoming digital, personal and controllable," said Peter Sealey, the former CMO of Coca-Cola Co. and now CEO of Los Altos Group Inc. "These three trends are like a tsunami sweeping away our historical model."

TRANSLATION: WE STILL WANT TO FINANCE JUNK TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

Dubya celebrates Bill "Bach's B-Minor Mass is My Friend" Buckley's creation -- and not once does he give evidence that he's ever actually read it. Indeed it sounds as if someone's coached him in all the right phrases. This "speech" gives painful evidence of the dyslexic in the White House, and for the rag to boast of it is a pitiful thing, like an ugly girl boasting she's been kissed.

I appreciate Dr. Kissinger, and Dusty Rhodes and Ed Capano, as well. It's good to see you all.

Yes, PodPerson, I can see why you left ONE LAUREATE off your list.

Posted 6:51 AM by Gene

JOKE OF THE YEAR: Guess who won the Jimmy Carter Memorial Nobel Good Intentions Award -- the guys who RID NUKES FROM IRAN!

Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhere, THE INVENTOR OF DYNAMITE is laughing too.

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

I'd like to read some of DR. EVIL's secret memos boasting how he'd positioned his TOXIC ALPHABET SOUP as a MARKETING TOOL. That eternal FRAUD would make SNIDELY WHIPLASH look like a piker.

"The strategy for every film is to make it available to as wide an audience as possible. Anybody who purposely tries to narrow an audience is being self-defeating."

"If that line don’t fetch them, I don’t know Arkansaw!"

And a special NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to JIMMY!

Posted 6:34 AM by Gene

DeLay accuses Earle of taking corporate funds

Come on, SNIDELY, we've heard that he-did-it-so-I-can-do-it defense from your friends. Besides, you make him look like a PIKER.

Posted 6:31 AM by Gene

GE Bancorp commits good corporate citizenship -- at the point of a gun.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

An intercepted letter from Osama bin Laden's deputy to the al Qaeda leader in Iraq complains that the terrorist network is short of cash and faces defeat in Afghanistan, a Pentagon spokesman says.

Perhaps International A.N.S.W.E.R. can hold a fundraiser -- or the SAUDIS.

Posted 6:16 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE hires lobbyists.



Yep, I guess they're not so warm and fuzzy anymore.

"Clearly, they have tremendous resources to influence policymakers," says Jeff Chester, the head of the Center for Digital Democracy, an online watchdog. "I do worry that Google will simply become part of the advertising and media lobby in Washington."

I think it already got there.

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

In more wagering news, we would wager President Rove gets indicted, but we can't say what the hell for.

Will he cite executive privilege?

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

Keyword Prices Trending Down

So why will G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE be worth $1,000 a share in three months?

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

Syndicate Reacts to Leak of George Will's Column to a Blog

I thought he wrote with a quill pen!

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

Dubya may be a weak president, but he's strong on one thing: saying "I know something you don't."

Stealth judges, stealth operations -- TRUST US.

Which did not prevent Sen. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH of Illinois from complaining Dubya didn't say when he'd withdraw from Iraq. ASS.

Posted 3:41 PM by Gene

Here's another problem with the ad-blurbists falling in love with HBO: they get the industry's Xerox copier going...and it's low on toner...and the glass plate's smudged with too many people duplicating their behinds on it.

"Predictable...painful puns...inane..." This was a MASTERWORK?

Posted 3:06 PM by Gene

Bill Clinton: U.S. Likely to Lose in Iraq

But because NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! broke it first, we don't break something NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! broke first.

Within two days smiling HACKS will make this INESCAPABLE.

We may presume too that Slick knows a lot, seeing as he's been out of office oh, only close to five years.

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

Whoooooooooooooops! I guess the praise for St. Edward of Murrow ISN'T unanimous.

And Jack, I used the phrase first.

Posted 1:33 PM by Gene

And speaking of ASWIA, it's holding a drunken orgy in suburban Phoenix (they wouldn't mind if you said it; they're nonjudgmental), and the head honcho, who happens to run P&G's department for sticking the company's middle finger in our eye, is delivering a speech telling his buddies how they can waste more of their customers' money on offensive TV, empire building and stupid marketing schemes! Can't wait for ADAGE'S VIDEO!

Posted 1:25 PM by Gene

Here's another policy matter where we're so well served by the CROSSFIRE. Con-SER-va-tives believe the answer to selling to kids is anything goes and caveat emp-TOR. Liberals trot out the raging anti-Semitic abortion-for-any-reason-at-any-time dimwits of the United Social Club of Some Gay Preacher. WHY MUST WE ALWAYS FACE TWO WRONGS?

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

We must ask a question: is the GENIUS of [C]RAP behind the huge boom in record sales? WE know [C]RAP IS GENIUS; we have it from no less authorities than the VOLOKHEADS. [C]RAP must be GENIUS because anyone can do it; it is as widespread as influenza in 1918. So we know it's...CATCHY. Plus it...SAYS SOMETHING. (What it says we will not be foolish enough to guess, as what one BRILLIANT [C]RAPPER tends to sound just like THE NEXT; but they must ALL be saying SOMETHING BRILLIANT. Besides, we've heard Hitler's [C]RAPS.) Anybody can do [C]RAP, so anybody must be buying it. RIGHT?

We may wonder too if the noble and enlightened POLITICS of our GREATEST ARTISTES are behind this sales SURGE. After the GREAT [C]RAPPER Kenya East-West-North-South (or wherever) called DUBYA a GREAT PRESIDENT his sales SOARED BY TWO-THIRDS! And the Rolling Geezers -- all their leading Depends user Mr. Jagger had to do was say NEO-CON and he sold ZILLIONS! (We still think he thinks it's a drug -- but his heart's in the right place.) All told we're in a PLATINUM AGE OF MUSIC -- WITH PLATINUM SALES!!!!!

Posted 10:51 AM by Gene

Two excellent stories from the Hollywood Stenographer: first, recorded, er, NOISE sales are down over ten percent thus far this year! Second, fewer "scripted" shows are being made! That's bad news for show-biz union members -- and it also means more lousy "REALITY" shows -- but hey, anything to keep THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS at bay!

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

Great: two HYPERMEGALOMANIACS had an ARGUMENT, and thanks to that they'll screw up high-tech for years.

LORD STRINGER and BUGMEISTER BILL, that is. BRING BACK THE DUEL!

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The TWXSTERS are burning money on BLOGS.

Yes, perhaps this is the next G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE! Then again it might be the next ABOUT.COM.

Uh, you REALLY think you'll get back to $90 a share with this?

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

And speaking of IRRITATION, the MICKEY D'S of NPR-FLAVORED TONY HIGH-PROFIT COFFEE gets a lot of FREE and ANNOYING PUBLICITY for "REVOLUTIONIZING" THE RECORDED-SOUND BIZ. BUT:

So as not to intimidate customers, no Starbucks branch stocks more than 20 CDs and most have only two or three on the counter, nestling next to the biscotti.

Meaning if you're serious about music, the TONY MICKEY D'S is the LAST place you'll want to go. Just because two or three albums have become best-sellers does not mean this outfit's turning the biz on its head; but this sort of DRIVEL will happen when NEWS HACKS DON'T FREQUENT BARS ANY MORE.

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

Hmmm, here's a point: Dubya's stealth justice may have to repeatedly recuse herself on NATIONAL SECURITY GROUNDS.

Good thinkin' AGAIN, President Rove!

Posted 8:08 AM by Gene

Another ugly new building sprouts in Arabia -- it suggests a missile silo for Osama -- and we wouldn't hear of it except that a CERTAIN DUBIOUS "MAGNATE" has "LENT HIS NAME" to it.

To paraphrase Edison, news hackery is ten percent FABRICATION, twenty percent EXAGGERATION and two thousand percent IRRITATION.

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

Does anything happen in the Beltway besides Show-and-Tell?

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

The sports scribblers are congratulating themselves for selling the game back, but it is in their interest to manufacture excitement with their press passes, and no sport can survive long term with a fan base of half-a-million.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

So, Al Gore's crew hired a spy for the White House.

Not the first, nor the last.

Two points: 1. The HACKS will play down the Gore angle; and 2. The Internet's inventor probably thought him some sort of minority outreach official.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Again, we need no proof SNIDELY WHIPLASH is unequalled for SLEAZE. The question is whether SLEAZE is ILLEGAL. But his con-SER-va-tive defenders who say "everybody does it" or "it's just campaign fundraising" miss the point. Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but all its centuries have NOT made it an HONORABLE one.

Posted 4:49 PM by Gene

Two teeny-weeny record labels have turned out anthologies of Broadway songwriters that will sell a thousand copies combined and remind us again the musical's dead, as if we needed it. Harvey Schmidt composed The Fantasticks in 1959; his last show (not counting several miscarriages) was Celebration in 1969. Charles Strouse wrote Bye Bye Birdie in 1960; his last hit was the aggressively mediocre Annie in 1977; his last eight shows have run a combined 105 performances. Jerry Herman isn't here, but he should be; his last show was the badly dated La Cage aux folles in 1983. Schmidt was born in 1929; Strouse in 1928, Herman in 1933. We do not forget the recently deceased Fred Ebb's partner John Kander (born in 1927), nor Jerry Bock (born in 1928), nor Sheldon Harnick (born in 1924). Anthologies like these are depressing because not only do they tell us how our cultural stock has depleted itself, they tell us that the musical is of another age, and possibly another galaxy.

Posted 2:58 PM by Gene

HHHHWWWWALTER CRRRONKKHITE thinks the public is "IGNORANT."

We must be; for decades we were stupid enough to believe him THE MOST TRUSTED MAN IN AMERICA.

Posted 2:55 PM by Gene

Gisela Zetsche, wife of incoming DaimlerChrysler Chairman Dieter Zetsche, received a $500 fine and was ordered to pay $2,500 in court cost Wednesday as her sentence for throwing an loud, late-night house party at her Bloomfield Township home in June that involved underage drinking.

You would think the wife of an auto company exec would know better, but, as with so many things nowadays, you would probably think wrong.

Posted 1:18 PM by Gene

MODO JOINS THE READER BOYCOTT OF TIMESREJECT!

WAY TO GO!!!!!

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Posted 11:57 AM by Gene

TIME WARNER DECREES A NEW BIG STAR!!!!!

Who?

And here's another one, with the tongue-tripping name of -- CHIWETEL EJIOFOR!

Famous as Cary Grant, SURE.

Where do these scribblers GET these ideas? From PRESS AGENTS?? (Oh. They ARE press agents.)

Posted 11:47 AM by Gene

And speaking of believe it or not, here come the PRINCE and the DUCHESS!

PLUS they're on a MEDIA BLITZ! Married life will never be the same.

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

Honda Designs Car Friendly for Dogs

HONDA DISCRIMINATES AGAINST CATS!

(Just kidding.)

Posted 11:09 AM by Gene

Ooooh, the folk at BookStandard.com are mad because some VETERANS are cutting up "PERVERTED BOOKS" -- and "[w]ho's going to criticize a veteran's organization?"

It would help to know what books they're cutting up, but we'll say this, as we said before: every time we see such stories we think of TIME WARNER, SUMNER, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and their HEAVY-DUTY LITERARY MANGLING. Nobody EVER cries CENSORSHIP at THEM. Coming out at little people, however misguided they are, is another way for BIG MEDIA to SLAM the TITANIUM-GLOVED STAINLESS-STEEL FIST in our FACES.

Posted 10:58 AM by Gene

THE CURRENT MOST E-MAILED ITEM AT PAPEROFRECORD.COM:

Serious Riders, Your Bicycle Seat May Affect Your Love Life

Posted 10:01 AM by Gene

Old OMBUDSMEN never die -- they just become PERFESSERS, or go to PBS.

Posted 9:44 AM by Gene

Imagine HBO without its fawning ad-blurbists. See anything?

But changing tastes may also explain "Curb's" decline. We may now be in a period when viewers are less willing to invest in a quirky comedy just because critics wax warmly over it....

TRANSLATION: The RUBES may be getting wise.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

ANOTHER EXCELLENT JOB BY ANGRY NEWS HACKS:

Five weeks after Hurricane Katrina laid waste to New Orleans, some local, state and federal officials have come to believe that exaggerations of mayhem by officials and rumors repeated uncritically in the news media helped slow the response to the disaster and tarnish the image of many of its victims.

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

MORE NEWS FROM THE THEA-TAH:

SINCE most New Yorkers probably won't get near the sold-out revival of "The Odd Couple," here are some frontline reports from yesterday's invited dress rehearsal:

* Matthew Broderick, who's been struggling with his lines, flubbed only three yesterday. But the producers weren't taking any chances: They've planted a script girl in the front row.

Now that he seems finally to be getting off script, tension between him and director Joe Mantello should ease up.

* Nathan Lane performed with a big bandage on his finger. He apparently slammed his hand in a door in his apartment.

* Neither Broderick nor Lane is giving what at this point could be called a "deep" performance. "It's pretty much the Matthew and Nathan show all over again," said a person who attended the dress rehearsal.

* The scene stealers are Jessica Stone and Olivia d'Abo, who play the Pigeon Sisters. They got more laughs than Lane and Broderick.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

HILLARY HOLLYWOOD FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:18 AM by Gene

Oh, the pleBEians:

That in the end is the bitter lesson for Murdoch: Having designed a memorial that insists on taking us by the hand and leading us through its site, he's not in a very good position to complain when people judge it in less than sophisticated ways.

TRANSLATIONS: STUPIDS can't ever appreciate ART. Maybe if the ARTISTS weren't so SUPERIOR to us the STUPIDS wouldn't see a conspiracy against their taste.

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

This week The Cute Little Pink Paper spends SIX PAGES on THAT MARTYRED REPORTER.

DOES ANYBODY CARE?

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

Let's see: con-SER-va-tives defended price gouging. When do they defend excessive bank fees?

DOW 36,000!!!!! The world awaits!

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

More EXCELLENCE IN LEGISLATING from CONGRESS:

Bankruptcy Filings Soar In Advance of New Law

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

Here's my suggestion of what to do with Lenin's corpse: take it on a Ripley's Believe It or Not! kind of farewell tour, the proceeds to pay for a memorial to his victims on the site of his tomb, then bury it in that secluded place next to his mother, where neither he nor his terrorist legacy can do any harm.

"It is time to get rid of this horrible mummy," said Valeriya Novodvorskaya, head of the Democratic Union, a small reform party. "One cannot talk about any kind of democracy or civilization in Russia when Lenin is still in the country's main square."

She added: "I would not care even if he were thrown on a garbage heap."

Neither would I, but I thought it could do a little good.

Posted 7:22 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: George "My Business is My Business" Will opposes the Stealth Candidate because Dubya rammed through CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM.

To which we have three little words: OH, SHUT and UP.

Posted 6:50 PM by Gene

It is increasingly obvious our moviemaking hero in Texas is indicting a HAM SANDWICH.

Which doesn't make THE SANDWICH KOSHER.

Posted 6:45 PM by Gene

There comes a time in a sex symbol's life when she must rely on brains -- only to discover she hasn't any.

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE has made Taiwan a province of China.

I thought Jerry "SIEG HEIL" Yang ran YAHOO!

P. S. ON A HAIR-SPLITTING TECHNICALITY.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Workers may have accidentally cut or crushed the section of foam that broke off Discovery's fuel tank during its launch two months ago - a mishap that threatened the safety of the astronauts and grounded the shuttle fleet.

GROUND THE ORBITING JALOPY PERMANENTLY!

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, a Nevada Democrat, thanked Bush for accepting his recommendation to consider Miers for the high court.

"But let me make clear that I have not endorsed this nomination," Reid said in a Senate speech. "It would be entirely premature of me to do so."

Party pooper!

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

What is with this sudden desire to redesign Web sites? First Town Hall, then WEEKLYSTANDARD.COM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, now UselessNews.com. I still can't get used to the story placement in the first. These sites spent a lot on the redesigns (witness the prominent placement of a mention for something called Management Information Consulting Inc. on RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S site), but redesign for its own sake (or worse, to try to MONETIZE a Webasset) can only irritate long-term users.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Once again -- NO COLYUMNISTS on PAPEROFRECORD.COM's MOST-E-MAILED LIST!

How 'bout some POP-UPS, PINCH?

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

News to get con-SER-va-tives excited:

New Orleans to lay off up to 3,000

In fairness, here's a chance for government to prove it can lay off large numbers and prosper. But if we know Lousiana, somebody will think up a corrupt way around it -- and if we know DUBYA, he'd finance ALL THE LOST JOBS if he could...as might be seen by the URL.

Posted 2:06 PM by Gene

Bush Preparing for Greenspan Successor

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just kidding.)

Posted 2:00 PM by Gene

I had meant to post this yesterday, but the death of Nipsey Russell, another of the fine black comedians in the line stretching back to the immortal Bert Williams, and coming hard on the death of Don Adams, reminds us not only aren't getting any younger, we seem to be growing old faster.

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

From his prison cell, Islamic cleric Abu Bakar Bashir — the group's alleged spiritual leader — said in a statement that the attacks were a sign of God's displeasure with the Indonesian government.

Why won't the DEVIL shut his mouth?

By the way, who wants to bet a few people are turning the other way in the prison?

Posted 11:44 AM by Gene

"Am I still a conservative? Proudly so."

How about a left-handed conservative?

OH. That was your FATHER. Forgive us! We'd mistaken you lately!

Posted 10:57 AM by Gene

And in more FUTURE SAINTHOODS, the EDWARD R. MURROW of COMEDY ZINGED THE MAGAZINE BIZ -- for $150,000 (PLUS an extra $100,000 in COSTS) -- and may now see PART OF HIS MAMMOTH FEE WITHHELD because he WASN'T SUPPOSED TO!

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSIE'S NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPHEW!!!!! Wanna make a MOVIE about it?

"The biggest frustration was how poorly prepared he was. He didn't know where to go, and the only thing to do was get nasty or toss it to the audience."

Do EDWARD R. MURROWS of COMEDY have A CODE OF ETHICS?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!

Posted 10:18 AM by Gene

How many could do what Bill Watterson did -- resist turning his comic strip into a PROPERTY, especially in this media-and-Internet-mad age?

Some things are worth more than money.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

MICKEYMOUSE NIXON may be gone, but KIM carries his valentines around next to her heart, or wherever they deserve to be.

How many times must we tell these clowns to SHUT UP?

P. S. In a photo credit at the bottom Stale.com refers to his successor as "Bob Igery." Good luck, UB!

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

Well! SOMEBODY on the left discovers the WHINY DEMOCRATIC CRY-BABIES don't make themselves ELECTABLE merely by blasting the OTHER GUY.

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

For what it's worth I thank Josh's Camera Phone Blog for permalinking to me -- that's probably my first. Twenty or more such links and I might be in business.

Posted 8:44 AM by Gene

Rather than get an article honestly chronicling the circulation of magazines, we get a suck-up telling us how wonderful the TWXSTERS are -- and of course in PC JERNALIST fashion he refers to the company as "TIME INC."

What is the point of trade Web sites is all they do is toady?

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

Hmmm, maybe ST. EDWARD of MURROW WASN'T the SECOND COMING?

But no one had troubles with Murrow's other CBS program, a celebrity interview show called "Person to Person" in which he famously asked the then secretly gay pianist Liberace when he would marry and was told when the right girl came around. [NEXT-TO-LAST GRAF.]

Good night, and (COUGH! COUGH!!) good luck.

Posted 8:39 AM by Gene

If G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE plays tricks again with my hits today, I'm leaving. Just now we got another reminder of how SLOW its blogging disservice was for MONTHS. We think the J. Edgar Hoovers of Mountain View got the message, but we must wonder, as they insist their 800-pound gorilla is unlike other such gorillas. Pardon us for thinking all big businesses are alike.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

More good nooz from the Daily Nooz! We got Bill Bennett fired from a job!

If it's any consolation he's getting undeservedly creamed for what he deserved to get creamed for several years ago -- his UNHURTFUL GAMING ADDICTION. It doesn't make the current affair more appetizing, but it is a kind of consolation.

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

This is strange: THE DONALD wants to build a slot-machine parlor on the site of a former rail-car factory -- and GOV IS OPPOSED?

And the SKOOL DISSTRIKT will build a SKOOL to train the "employees!" GO FOR IT DONALD! This would be RENDELLISM at its FINEST!!!!!

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

CHEAP CHANNEL's boss lobbied con-SER-va-tives to allow his company to buy MORE stations!

We can imagine the warm glow this would-be monopolist must have engendered in people whose back-of-the-head goal is a one-company state. It may almost have been enough to make them forget Dubya appointed a STEALTH LIBERAL.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

There is still much to learn about Harriet E. Miers, but in naming her to the Supreme Court, President Bush revealed something about himself: that he has no appetite, at a time when he and his party are besieged by problems, for an all-out ideological fight.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY WE WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

Looked at another way, the choice is much harder to explain. In selecting Ms. Miers, Mr. Bush stepped deeper into a political thicket that had already scratched up his well-tended image of competence....

Who says hacks can't be poets?

Posted 6:27 PM by Gene

HED OF THE DAY:

Tour boat raised from lake Jump fuels fears of inflation.

I would make fun of this, but I think I'll lay off for good taste's sake.

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

Embattled Rep. Tom DeLay is indicted on a new charge of money laundering by a Texas grand jury, AP reports. [CNN]

It's TIME...for YOU...to GO.

Posted 6:16 PM by Gene

I'm not a big fan of Michael "OUTSOURCE" Dell either, but I think I'd take his critics more seriously if half of them knew how to SPELL.

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

This is why I find G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE such a pain: it's like a great big smiley face in the sky, something as much beyond control and complaint as the weather, and subject solely to its own less-than-pure whims, and nothing bad will ever happen to it again.

Yes, I CAN see G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE as TIME WARNER TIMES 100.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Exasperating stories like this give it to us both ways. We know something's amiss in this MEGA-PLATINUM AGE OF ENTERTAINMENT, and in response we get PROFESSIONAL SOCIAL-SCIENCE NINNIES WHO MUST QUANTIFY EVERYTHING, answered by TOADIES FOR ZILLION-DOLLAR MEDIA COMPANIES WHO MUST PULL ANOTHER MORE-ROYALIST-THAN-THE-KING DEFENSE.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE!!!!! Are you PLAYING TRICKS with my HITS AGAIN?

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

We sympathize with a department-store manager wanting to build employee loyalty, but how much loyalty can he build in a company whose predecessors closed hundreds of stores and fired thousands of workers, and that seems to exist only for its REAL ESTATE?

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

It's official: ST. WARREN declares, if we MUST have another Republican president, let it be -- BOOBS McKEATING!!!!!

The HACKS like BOOBS because he SUCKS UP TO THEM. PERIOD.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

Where might Google go next?

UP.

CEO Steve Ballmer vowed to kill Google in an obscenity-laced tirade late last year....

If you took obscenities out of the techie's vocabulary he'd never speak again. And we suspect STS. LARRY and SERGEY have dared speak them too.

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

Well, there's Mitt Romney -- but would he fall into the category of "sound-alike governors"?

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

Will America ever have an intelligent president again? Never mind a Renaissance man, or a man who could write -- an intelligent, forthright president? Consider the next election's crop: Machiavelli's mistress, Dr. George W. Bush, Richard Leftwing Nixon. You'd like to imagine Giuliani's up to it but can he handle the minutiae of the job? That's one thing that's gotten Dubya down. Sound-alike governors, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! -- will America ever have an intelligent president again?

Posted 1:51 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE!!!!! Are you PLAYING TRICKS with my HITS AGAIN?

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

Good could still come of recognizing the reality that Roe is not going to be overturned—if both sides would only channel all the energy they have so long poured into fighting each other into actually preventing unwanted pregnancies and caring for unwanted children. Plan B, anyone?

You mean teaching kids how to have SAFE SEX?

I guess that's how you make the big bucks writing for TOILETBOWL.COM.

Posted 1:36 PM by Gene

"Often the most satisfying theatre is the sparsest."

You mean the shows attended by three people?

"If you can get a star, preferably from TV or the movies, and especially if they are willing to take their clothes off - you are guaranteed a hit."

Even if they look like a pile of lard?

"You want something that works as a theatrical experience, as opposed to imitating a karaoke bar or a hit movie."

I'm surprised the cast of MONTY PYTHON'S BLAZING SADDLES doesn't encourage the audience to SING ALONG.

Posted 12:06 PM by Gene

What did I say over a month ago?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NEW ORLEANS MAY NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!" warned National Hurricane Center Director Max Mayfield.

Spare us the melo, Max. Nawlans hasn't been the same since SATCH left.

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

Hurricane Katrina had a surprising effect on U.S. factory activity in September, the Institute for Supply Management reported Monday.

Instead of depressing activity, there was a rush of new orders from manufacturers concerned about losing supplies. In addition, prices shot up as those manufacturers appeared willing to pay top dollar for the goods they needed.

Does anyone in the professional-tea-leaf-reading business KNOW anything?

Posted 11:10 AM by Gene

Another ombudsman says goodbye:

Ombudsmen have no authority. They can't force the paper to do anything. What we can do, as The Post's first ombudsman, the late Richard Harwood, once wrote, is make editors and reporters think about what they do.

It is very hard to measure whether any of this has any real impact.

No it isn't. We'd wager in your whole tenure your circulation has gone down. Which proves that though an ombdusman may not have an impact, the HACKS DO.

Posted 10:57 AM by Gene

Says former Texas Republican Chairman Fred Meyer: "The President doesn't make any big decisions without chatting with her."

Well, maybe she isn't THAT bad.

On the other hand she represented Bugmeister Bill and ESPNCORP. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh welllllllllllllll....

Posted 10:42 AM by Gene

Who is Samuel Bodman and what does he know about gas prices?

Oh, he's the ENERGY SECRETARY. So was that guy who looked like a corner butcher. What did he know?



T-H-R-O-T-T-L-E-B-O-T-T-O-M.

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

The president has only very rarely sought out the best person for the job. Conservatives have expressed unhappiness with the nomination of Julie Myers for the top immigration enforcement slot, but there are dozens and maybe hundreds of similarly troubling choices, from the cabinet on down.

Again and again, George Bush has announced bold visionary policies - and again and again he has entrusted the execution of those policies to people who do not believe in them or even understand them. This is most conspicuously true in foreign policy, but it has been true in domestic policy as well. The result: the voice is the voice of Reagan, but too often the hands are the hands of George HW Bush.

I think Dubya made the hard core VERY mad!

Posted 9:29 AM by Gene

This is what happens when you follow ROMY -- you DON'T SKIP to the NEXT PAGE:

On Thursday, Book World Editor Marie Arana, noting that she had been "a Young Republican at 15, a marching SDSer at 20, and roundly disgusted by the blue-team, red-team political dialogue by the time I turned 30," criticized an article on what was called a "stealth evangelism" festival by saying: "The elephant in the newsroom is our narrowness. Too often, we wear liberalism on our sleeve and are intolerant of other lifestyles and opinions. . . . We're not very subtle about it at this paper: If you work here, you must be one of us. You must be liberal, progressive, a Democrat. I've been in communal gatherings in The Post, watching election returns, and have been flabbergasted to see my colleagues cheer unabashedly for the Democrats."

WwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwELL!!!!!

Tim Graham, a PATRIOTIC GORER, linked to this.

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

I think Dubya just made the HARD-CORE MAD!

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

When not vouching for FREEDOM FIGHTERS, the REUT's hacks do a little daydreaming on the hammock. Bono, Bob Geldof -- typing what you want is the LIFE of RILEY!

Now get some shuteye, fella; you'll need it for the press releases ahead.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

Lady Thatcher? SLEAZE? Heaven forfend!

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

Shucks, maybe ANGER isn't all it's CRACKED UP to be.

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

Another stealth candidate -- another stealth LIBERAL?

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

Boy HOWIE HAIRSHIRT didn't need his COFFEE today to write another hundred thousand words; it seems his paper's CRITIQUING itself -- with OUTSTANDING RESULTS:

The rhetoric heated up when Pearlstein wrote that Post staffers should "admit that a lot of what we do, and how we do it, is driven by a notion of good journalism that has more to do with 'dominating' a story and keeping up with the competition or, on occasion, winning prizes, than it does with what our readers need and want. . . . Too many of our stories . . . [have] 'obligation' written all over them."

Pearlstein called for a smaller, edgier paper and complained that the opinion pages have become "too tame, too predictable, too R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-L-E and, at times, downright boring."

TRANSLATION: If careful, we'll become the HOWARD DEANS of PRINT: with PREDICTABLE results for the C-I-R-C-U-L-A-T-I-O-N! (Nothing but UP, right ST. WARREN?)

And in further outstanding news, which ROMY didn't notice:

The straight-shooting Associated Press is trying to reinvent itself with a pilot program called "asap," a print and online service aimed at 18-to-34-year-olds that has attracted 200 newspaper clients so far. The stories bristle with voice and attitude: a multimedia presentation on "Reggaeton, a hybrid of Spanish rap and reggae"; "Small, sleek and so, so sexy: An ode to the Corvette"; "Idiot in the Kitchen," the culinary misadventures of a writer married to a professional cook; and a look at a book by baseball star Jose Canseco's ex-wife that provides "vivid descriptions of his cheating, sexual preferences and even his -- yikes! -- private parts."

Isn't this glorified celebrity news and filler? Not when we're the STRAIGHT-SHOOTING AP -- and the STRAIGHT-SHOOTING HOWIE HAIRSHIRT!

Look out! He's got a GUN! BLAM!!!!!

Whew! The bullet took a 90-degree angle.

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Someone has written another Future Shock, for business, and every businessman will talk about it, and no one will read it, and the incompetents will muddle through as before.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

The goody-goodies are now trying to rid us of new-car smell, because it has POISONS. BUT:

Getting all the smell out, however, is still a tall order. Simply filling up the gasoline tank contributes to VOC [volatile organic compounds] levels. (THIRD-TO-LAST GRAF.)

The best-laid plans of mice and goody-goodies....

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

HOW TO WRITE OBITUARIES: There were surely a lot of puzzled looks in America's luxury news suites when August Wilson died. August who? A playwright. Who? Well, he was AFRICAN-AMERICAN. Ohhhh. And he won a P-ULITZER. NOW the incandescent bulb shone over the ignoramuses. That's SURELY a MARK of EXCELLENCE. But August WHO? At least in this instance they weren't alone. Who was August Wilson? All I know is he wrote very long plays about what was once called the black experience. That the news will engender floating question marks over people's heads is a measure of how the theater has become a hermetically sealed land of navel-gazing. Even twenty-odd years ago we knew who Tennessee Williams was when he died. Never again will playwrights capture the public imagination, because today they work in the intellectual equivalent of a clothes closet, sharing their imaginations only with the few who can be bothered to rummage through them.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

On this historic day when ESPNCORP gets a new CEO, we've developed a new name for him: UB Iger.

Posted 7:00 PM by Gene

That's what they pay him half of Fort Knox for:

MITCH ALBOM: Study proves it: Men don't wash in the washroom.

Posted 3:36 PM by Gene

We wonder that ST. WARREN hasn't ordered His Heaven to use Stale.com as a breeding ground for new disea -- WRITERS. You'd think they'd have ultra respect for someone like David Edelstein, who combines logorrhea, pretension and pandering in equal unpalatable dollops. Apparently ANGRY JAKE has instituted a [C]RAP column, and going by this our writer should be elevated to the Post POST HASTE! He might out-Edelstein Edelstein.

Posted 3:23 PM by Gene

Somebody tries to shut down glorified whorehouses in Seattle, but so long as the ghost of William O. "Thoreau" Douglas flies over the land, and so long as there are buttinskys to be snobs over the peons, and ANGRY CRUSADING NEWS HACKS, there will be the whorehouses.

And hermetically-sealed judges. Here's betting before year's end NEW CHIEF NINE FINGER will drive conservatives BANANAS. I can understand why Little Cry-Baby Richard called him smugly upper-class (as if Cry-Baby's ever suffered). Has he ever stepped foot outside of a courtroom?

Posted 1:53 PM by Gene

I'M THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER, DAMMIT!

You WERE.

Posted 1:45 PM by Gene

It used to be one knew show-biz faces instantly. THE POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! put this on its home page, and it doesn't identify this quite attractive young woman, and I don't have the foggiest clue who she is! We wouldn't make that mistake with SOPHIA, that's for sure.

Posted 1:22 PM by Gene

The next approaching fad: DOMINOES.

And flagpole sitting and marathon dancing and....

Posted 1:04 PM by Gene

Sorry, as we said, it's ANOTHER LOUSY WEEKEND FOR THE CONSPIRACY -- DOWN OVER 25 PERCENT!!

HA HA HA!!!!!

And next week probably won't be much better -- DESPITE GENIUS.

People don't want to see HUMBERT HUMBERT's take on Oliver Twist either.

P. S., LORD STRINGER: It's a SONY!!!!!

Posted 11:03 AM by Gene

SHUCKS, life seems to be returning to New Orleans sooner than the HACKS had hoped.

Well, we can always drown our sorrows in the HEROIC TALES of ROSIE'S NEPHEW.

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

We wonder why broadcasters don't get out of the kiddie-TV biz altogether, but Kellogg's has $10 sugared cereals to sell, and Mickey D's must clog America's arteries, so the bad continues.

P. S.



The end result of that Looney Tunes publicity stunt. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Posted 10:34 AM by Gene

Muslims 'not behind Bali blasts'

TRANSLATION: Clouds not behind the rain.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Pat Knight will follow father as coach of Texas Tech

Does the son get to inherit his TANTRUMS?



Now this we'd pay to see: both of them blowing a fuse in the SAME GAME!

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

HED OF THE DAY:

'10th planet' gets a moon Another boost to Xena, blow to Pluto.

I'm sure Pluto is QUITE crestfallen.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

You're a news hack. Imagine two women running for president. One's also black. Whom do you root for? Of course -- THE DEMOCRAT!

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in ST. WARREN'S HEAVEN, we puff SNIDELY WHIPLASH's crusading enemy -- or to put it another way, SNIDELY has met his SNIDELY.

I guess all that experience in INSURANCE taught ST. WARREN two wrongs DO make a right!

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

RENDELLISM AT WORK (or, KNIGHTRIDDER PLAYS GEORGE F. BABBITT -- AGAIN):

The number of nonprofit arts and cultural groups in Philadelphia and its four surrounding Pennsylvania counties nearly doubled in the last 10 years, rising from 523 in 1995 to 999 in 2004. Their gross receipts: more than $1 billion a year. [Emphasis added.]

And how many businesses have fled Philadelphia in the last ten years?

"There is more cultural vibrancy possibly than ever before!"

TRANSLATION: There are more mimes than ever before. If our CULTURE is so VIBRANT why has the FORREST THEATER (which is surely an INTERGRAL part of our CULTURE machine) remained DARK for MONTHS? And why hasn't the BOYD THEATER been renovated yet? I thought this was supposed to be an engine to allow for more janitors and waiters and bellhops and maids to fuel the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY, EDDIE!

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

"If Iran's case is sent to the Security Council, we will respond by many ways, for example, by holding back on oil sales or limiting inspections of our nuclear facilities."

Oooooh, like, scare us!

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

The TWXSTERS seem to recognize people aren't reading their rag (how would they? Many of them wind up in RECEPTION ROOMS), and have tweaked their Web site to be a bit more busy. Same old garbage but at least they've spruced up the can.

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

Well we're glad to see you're doing YOUR patriotic duty, Dave, plugging one of the GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. You seem to be a master of the clever word too; where Eleanor can use words like MODERATE, you use words like HOT. But we have news for you: Kill Bill 3 (or whatever) was supposed to be one of the best and smartest movies of the year too -- and it's fizzling at the B. O. You suffer from the same disease as David "Platinum" Bianculli: you've been at one job too long. Why is this not a problem in YOUR biz, Dave?

"Good Night" arrives, post-Katrina, at what feels like a watershed moment in the relationship between the press and the presidency, and a turnaround in the public's attitude toward TV news.

TRANSLATION: THINGS ARE GOING OUR WAY AGAIN -- AND ROSIE'S NEPHEW MADE THIS MOVIE JUST FOR US!!!!!

Oh ST. WARREN, why should we PAY to read this?

Posted 8:52 AM by Gene

War, storms, leak probes—and a growing array of ETHICS CLOUDS. [SIC]

Hey MR. MARK! Have you been reading our blog? Not likely -- we don't think we've ever seen anyone from TOILETBOWL.COM as a visitor -- but thanks for copying our CAPS. This means the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL REPUBLICAN PARTY's headed to ruin! RIGHT?

Couldn't you have found another organ to write a service feature on? The stomach, or the liver? Certainly not the BRAIN.

P. S. You keep up this kind of EXCELLENT work, Jonny, and we MAY make fun of your hair!