THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Saturday, April 24, 2004
A thought just occured to me: are Rep. Cowface Flipflop and Rev. Racecard STILL RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
Well wouldn't you know: YES and YES.
Well wouldn't you know: YES and YES.
Being MR. TRENDY I'm surprised SUPER CHICKEN doesn't renounce Israel's right to exist.
Hey CLUCKCLUCK! Wasn't your nation once run by a FASCIST?
Hey CLUCKCLUCK! Wasn't your nation once run by a FASCIST?
Bush's strength surprises some pollsters
TRANSLATION: We've been reading so many NEWS HACKS ELECTING DIPPITY-DO! before the election we didn't know our rear ends from a poll in the ground.
Even in solidly Democratic states, challenger appears weak
TRANSLATION: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da dut dut!
TRANSLATION: We've been reading so many NEWS HACKS ELECTING DIPPITY-DO! before the election we didn't know our rear ends from a poll in the ground.
Even in solidly Democratic states, challenger appears weak
TRANSLATION: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da dut dut!
The OBSESSION of NEWS HACKS to DESTIGMATIZE PORN has gotten a BOOST from the HIV CRISIS even though in most industries spreading diseases is NOT a boost. This is the exact same seven-digit-news-hack thumbing-the-nose-in-the-air mindset that made GRAFFITI ART, and gave us MASTERPIECES on every building and subway train.
Notice that the allegedly POST-HOWELL TIMES puts this in the "FASHION AND STYLE" SECTION. DOES ANYONE EDIT THIS PAPER?
Notice that the allegedly POST-HOWELL TIMES puts this in the "FASHION AND STYLE" SECTION. DOES ANYONE EDIT THIS PAPER?
The Times goes RAH! RAH! again. That word "DIVERSITY" proves HOWELL will NEVER die.
I should have known that biz with the "BAD SONGS" was a VIACON MARKETING STUNT.
From now on when I make booboos and correct them I'll note it for the record. CASE IN POINT: in an entry from yesterday I incorrectly identified SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE as a GRAND WIZARD. Being KLEAGLE was ossification enough.
I changed this error as I've changed errors before but I may leave them up in the future.
I changed this error as I've changed errors before but I may leave them up in the future.
We'll never know exactly what caused the North Korean catastrophe: the closest witnesses are all dead, and even if people who knew survived, they'd be executed as ENEMIES OF THE DEAR IMMORTAL LEADER for knowing too much. And the truth, one suspects, is nearly as volatile a thing as what blew too many Koreans up. As I said, this will not be a Chernobyl, partly because Chernobyl was NUCLEAR, and partly because there were DISSIDENTS in the Soviet Union, unlike THE WORKERS' PARADISE, which no doubt has a meat-grinding machine nearly as efficient as Hitler's.
One other thing: I do not expect any "international organization" within a STONE'S THROW of the LEAGUE OF NATIONS to tell us the whole truth -- and that INCLUDES the International Red Cross.
Why am I thinking after the cleanup things will return to EXACTLY AS THEY WERE BEFORE?
Zimbabwe Finance Minister Arrested for Corruption
It's a wonder the WHOLE GOVERNMENT isn't locked up -- starting from the TOP.
It's a wonder the WHOLE GOVERNMENT isn't locked up -- starting from the TOP.
I don't care how good an athlete Lance Armstrong is -- and he's the MJ of his sport -- the POSTAL QUAGMIRE's sponsorship of his racing reminded us that not only is advertising often a total waste of money, not only is it often spent solely to justify top executives taking grand tours and browbeating subordinates, but here was one of the most slothful of government organizations doing it BIG TIME. Of course the marketing-HIP Wrong-Address Guys were among the financiers of AUDREY'S MONSTER, a box-office pancake. If people remember the sponsorship at all it will be with a laugh.
While many news hacks smirked and said, "Serves the guy right for quitting his day job," CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges managed to find us a true -- HERO. A MOTHER TERESA.
Who needs scandals in the news biz when you've got CURLEY? (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
P. S. NO, I will NOT apologize. Here's Andy "Where's My Meds?" Rooney from two weeks ago:
Treating soldiers fighting their war as brave heroes is an old civilian trick designed to keep the soldiers at it.
One must charitably suppose Andy was being ironic; he served in the war and worked on Stars and Stripes. But he's also a NEWS HACK, a SUPERZILLIONAIRE NEWS HACK, he works for VIACON, he works in a notoriously LIBERAL division of VIACON, and he was dictating a piece urging us to cut and run from Iraq. We know what cynics NEWS HACKS are; we know of their depthless contempt for the audience disguised as PUBLIC SERVICE, and of their predilection for black humor behind the curtain, much of which they play out on US. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Who needs scandals in the news biz when you've got CURLEY? (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
P. S. NO, I will NOT apologize. Here's Andy "Where's My Meds?" Rooney from two weeks ago:
Treating soldiers fighting their war as brave heroes is an old civilian trick designed to keep the soldiers at it.
One must charitably suppose Andy was being ironic; he served in the war and worked on Stars and Stripes. But he's also a NEWS HACK, a SUPERZILLIONAIRE NEWS HACK, he works for VIACON, he works in a notoriously LIBERAL division of VIACON, and he was dictating a piece urging us to cut and run from Iraq. We know what cynics NEWS HACKS are; we know of their depthless contempt for the audience disguised as PUBLIC SERVICE, and of their predilection for black humor behind the curtain, much of which they play out on US. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Friday, April 23, 2004
IF THE NINCOMPOOPS OF THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS ARE SO MAD ABOUT PAYING SO MUCH MONEY FOR SO LITTLE WHY DO THEY SO READILY PAY FOR IT?
Income and lifestyle needs aside, the truly serious writers and artists out there should consider where their true interests lie in the Bono/Golden Globe controversy. They should understand (and many do) that this claim of a constitutionally protected pants-drop is simply a race to the bottom that is sucking all the available capital out of the entertainment system and increasingly investing it in junk guaranteed to enrage the majority in what, alas, is still a democracy. If broadcasters and cable networks couldn't slip in f-words and f-scenes to make ends meet, they'd have to try harder to "create" something new that would hold large audiences.
WHY couldn't this run somewhere other than the WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS' REVIEW?
WHY couldn't this run somewhere other than the WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS' REVIEW?
Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! STERNO'S GONE WITHOUT MENTIONING HIS SAINT FOR TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signs of life in STERNO? Or just a relapse?
Signs of life in STERNO? Or just a relapse?
The EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Ariel Sharon will not rule out a hit on YASSIR.
Yassir is the fount from which all curses flow.
GENERAL's probably hiding in his bunker.
Yassir is the fount from which all curses flow.
GENERAL's probably hiding in his bunker.
Kerry Says Religion Shouldn't Be an Issue in U.S. Politics
...unless some HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL...oh, never mind.
...unless some HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL...oh, never mind.
From TODAY'S Times site:
I think we have a LONG way to go before the HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL WORLD accepts OH-SO-SOPHISTICATED ADULT MOVIES.
P. S. None of IMMORTAL JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP? Or do you prefer RAMEN?
I think we have a LONG way to go before the HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL WORLD accepts OH-SO-SOPHISTICATED ADULT MOVIES.
P. S. None of IMMORTAL JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP? Or do you prefer RAMEN?
If Bush loses WSJ, he loses 'Upperville'
Actually with the Journals he'd have to lose East Upperville and West Upperville, both very shady precincts. Now is he campaigning in your town, SOB -- LOWERVILLE?!?
Actually with the Journals he'd have to lose East Upperville and West Upperville, both very shady precincts. Now is he campaigning in your town, SOB -- LOWERVILLE?!?
Will THE SAVIOR OF MAN SURVIVE KOFIGATE?!?!?
Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abracadabra, alakazam! The TWXSTERS vie to turn "$900 million in cash by 2006" into -- BILLIONS IN DEBT!!!!!
To be borne by their shareholders and RATEPAYERS.
To be borne by their shareholders and RATEPAYERS.
Saudis Support a Jihad in Iraq, Not Back Home
And we may be sure they support jihads in every nation that doesn't worship the stone age.
One reason a former NFL star died in Afghanistan is that you jerks SMILED ON 9/11.
And we may be sure they support jihads in every nation that doesn't worship the stone age.
One reason a former NFL star died in Afghanistan is that you jerks SMILED ON 9/11.
THE FORCES OF REACTION FORCE THEIR OBSOLETE RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC VIEWS ON POLITICIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you nominal Catholics don't like it, JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH.
If you nominal Catholics don't like it, JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH.
Imagine a multi-zillionaire news hack ditching his job to serve in the military.
You can't? I can't either. This guy did. Patriotism is a little more than a slogan.
You can't? I can't either. This guy did. Patriotism is a little more than a slogan.
Oops! Coors' photo used in Klan story
New York Times runs wrong picture with murder report
But to this day, at the biggest tower of babble there ever was, they STILL don't know about SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE -- and WOULDN'T CARE IF THEY DID.
New York Times runs wrong picture with murder report
But to this day, at the biggest tower of babble there ever was, they STILL don't know about SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE -- and WOULDN'T CARE IF THEY DID.
There would be no democracy today in Japan, South Korea, Italy, or Germany without the Americans' defeat of fascists and Communists.
HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE will NEVER admit to this. He thinks it came from the Tooth Fairy.
HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE will NEVER admit to this. He thinks it came from the Tooth Fairy.
Some guy named Neal Snuze or whatever hyperventilates: today, smut -- TOMORROW, POLITICS. This is a reasonable fear; but liberals already do a bang-up job using media to censor political enemies. The alternative here is to do nothing, which guarantees the torrent of raw show-biz sewage becomes more inescapable and more toxic.
SECONDHAND SMOKE POSES HEART ATTACK RISK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I see Lenny leaning back in his expensive leather chair, propping his feet up on an expensive mahogany desk, and drawing a nice long puff of smoke from a superexpensive, superstinky ceegar, which he promptly wafts into the nearest intern's face, no-smoking ordinances notwithstanding?
Why do I see Lenny leaning back in his expensive leather chair, propping his feet up on an expensive mahogany desk, and drawing a nice long puff of smoke from a superexpensive, superstinky ceegar, which he promptly wafts into the nearest intern's face, no-smoking ordinances notwithstanding?
I understand what would prompt people to take pictures of caskets of our war dead -- at its best a profound respect and admiration for their sacrifice; but I can also understand what prompts Rummy to go lock-the-doors-and-bar-the-windows nuts, too: the prospect of these photos being hijacked by HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE and Co. for the sole purpose of MAKING HASH OF OUR WAR EFFORTS.
P. S. I'm very sorry you lost your job, and you meant well; but HHHWALTER and his boys do NOT mean well.
P. S. I'm very sorry you lost your job, and you meant well; but HHHWALTER and his boys do NOT mean well.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
I'm in a rotten mood because I just learned the Teamsters who work at the local Coke bottler went on strike, and they're the Rambos of the unions, meaning they'll be out for weeks. Oh well, Pepsi for the duration (bleaaah).
This is how bereft of inspiration NEWS HACKS are: in a sales pitch for a new production of one of HERR SONDHEIM'S MASTERPIECES Der Times unearths a Tom Lehrer lyric for the hed. The Ben Brantleys will be hugging themselves all through the production, and it closes in two months.
That WONDERFUL press release comes as the ill-begotten revival of Gypsy posts a closing notice after losing roughly half of its $8 million cap. I roll my eyes as it's de facto become some sort of GAY musical thanks to Mama Rose (and the title character too), quite unfortunate as it's a first-class show about a stripper's rise to stardom, and in Gypsy's day, stripping was a HETERO thing.
Did anybody other than John Simon note that the Divine Miss P. has a striking facial resemblance to the Ethereal Miss L.? I should like to have seen her as GYPSY, not Mama Rose.
That WONDERFUL press release comes as the ill-begotten revival of Gypsy posts a closing notice after losing roughly half of its $8 million cap. I roll my eyes as it's de facto become some sort of GAY musical thanks to Mama Rose (and the title character too), quite unfortunate as it's a first-class show about a stripper's rise to stardom, and in Gypsy's day, stripping was a HETERO thing.
Did anybody other than John Simon note that the Divine Miss P. has a striking facial resemblance to the Ethereal Miss L.? I should like to have seen her as GYPSY, not Mama Rose.
I've a hunch most of the CLOWNS who've started a NEW BUBBLE in eBAY are the outfit's SELLERS.
I'd love -- HATE to see a downturn.
I'd love -- HATE to see a downturn.
The sound of Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pervades the holy Times editorial offices:
IF CONSTITUENTS DO NOT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's like the Times saying, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THAT EVERY NEWS HACK IN AMERICA CRIBS OFF OF US, START YOUR OWN PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF CONSTITUENTS DO NOT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's like the Times saying, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THAT EVERY NEWS HACK IN AMERICA CRIBS OFF OF US, START YOUR OWN PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems that little bit of control-room and accounting legerdemain is but a small part of the TWXSTERS' plan to waste tens of millions of subscriber dollars giving TBS a facelift.
Let's see it backfire, as it most certainly will.
Let's see it backfire, as it most certainly will.
All that gas and oil weren't headed for THE PEOPLE.
I'm betting this is the only picture we see of the calamity. I'm also betting we don't hear about this after tomorrow, so ruthless is The Supreme God's dictatorship and so incurious are NEWS HACKS. That and the military angle guarantee this is no Chernobyl. But we WILL hear about WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone for SATELLITE IMAGERY?
I'm betting this is the only picture we see of the calamity. I'm also betting we don't hear about this after tomorrow, so ruthless is The Supreme God's dictatorship and so incurious are NEWS HACKS. That and the military angle guarantee this is no Chernobyl. But we WILL hear about WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone for SATELLITE IMAGERY?
Here's another reason NEWS HACKS could put on the P. R. MEL routine with blood and gore and screaming and we would NEVER believe them: THE REUT J'ACCUSES ISRAEL OF USING HUMAN SHIELDS -- possibly the first time the term has appeared in a REUT dispatch.
Back to the future in "jazz," and the future is seventies pimps-'n'-pushers noodling -- with extra ATTITUDE.
When will the boys realize they're playing a dead horse? (Courtesy the sometimes VERY irritating ArtsJournal.com.)
When will the boys realize they're playing a dead horse? (Courtesy the sometimes VERY irritating ArtsJournal.com.)
Saudi Arabia's top cleric said on Thursday the people behind a suicide car bombing in Riyadh would "burn in hell" for killing innocent Muslims....
WHAT? THEY don't get 72 virgins?
WHAT? THEY don't get 72 virgins?
And speaking of "What's good for Time Warner...", David "Platinum" Bianculli (he earns that nickname because when he scribbled for The Philadelphia Inquirer he proclaimed we live in "a platinum age of television" -- TWICE) is shocked! SHOCKED! that his BELOVED Slutsville has been hopelessly and irreparably RUINED. We need a half-million dollar ad-blurb COPYWRITER to inform us what common sense already did: THIS MADE NO SENSE. Either show it unedited or don't show it at all -- and in this case, I vote for the latter.
And as I've noted before, the TWXSTERS are doing this LARGELY OUT OF ACCOUNTING.
P. S. Famous last words:
[T]he idea of sticking up for swear words and flashes of breast may seem like a stupid thing to do.
But if USA OKAY'S painful self-flagellation says anything, it's that YOU NEWS HACKS ALWAYS DO STUPID THINGS.
And as I've noted before, the TWXSTERS are doing this LARGELY OUT OF ACCOUNTING.
P. S. Famous last words:
[T]he idea of sticking up for swear words and flashes of breast may seem like a stupid thing to do.
But if USA OKAY'S painful self-flagellation says anything, it's that YOU NEWS HACKS ALWAYS DO STUPID THINGS.
With every new paper flagellating itself in public the very showy exposing of scars gets harder and harder to believe. This self-flagellation must count as the phony-baloneyest thing to run in USA OKAY since Andy "Seller" Seiler's press releases for Showgirls. We peons must believe news hacks will come clean, but that would baffle an army of sandblasters. No, NEWS HACKS WILL NOT CHANGE because 1. Many make too much money; 2. They're out to "change the world" -- and big egos accompany their desire; 3. THE BIZ IS HOPELESSLY LIBERAL, and proud of it, and has devised strategems worthy of Foggy Bottom to deny it; 4. What's good for Time Warner is good for America; 5. It's easy to hide untruth in a paper: just write badly and quote "sources"; 6. The sheer MEGATONNAGE OF VERBIAGE prevents wholesale reform; it's like trying to desalinize an ocean. USA Okay's already put too much sodium chloride in our psychic wound.
Epitaph of a writer:
F. Scott Fitzgerald moved to Hollywood for easy money, but material in a new archive reveals he worked hard, toiling away on now-forgotten movies. [Front-page tease]
He bet on the wrong horse: the books lived. His story should teach MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS that SOME THINGS AREN'T IMMORTAL.
Now only FOUR died.
It's a good thing our military doesn't use WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS or they'd REALLY be in the soup.
It's a good thing our military doesn't use WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS or they'd REALLY be in the soup.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Our guy's a SUPERPATRIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And he "SPOKE FLUENT FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Caution: that second link's a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
And he "SPOKE FLUENT FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Caution: that second link's a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
In Spite of Media Coverage, Widespread Belief in Weapons of Mass Destruction and Iraqi Links to Al Qaeda Remain Virtually Unchanged
Shucks, NEWS HACKS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?
Better improve our ETHICS.
Shucks, NEWS HACKS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?
Better improve our ETHICS.
I mentioned DDT A WEEK before you did, Vir-GIN-ia, but I don't get a hundred billion trillion kazillion hits.
Legendary movie studio Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer is in advanced talks to be bought by Sony....
Fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE....
P. S. REUT!!!!! That LEGENDARY studio isn't MGM, it's UNITED ARTISTS! It changed the name because HEAVEN'S GATE STUNK UP THE GYM!
Fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE....
P. S. REUT!!!!! That LEGENDARY studio isn't MGM, it's UNITED ARTISTS! It changed the name because HEAVEN'S GATE STUNK UP THE GYM!
Will someone tell me why a DUMMY who makes LOTS OF MONEY gets himself arrested for GAMBLING?
Possibly because he's used his house as in indoor shooting gallery.
Possibly because he's used his house as in indoor shooting gallery.
Here's another chance for NEWS HACKS to march with the forces of right, and to demonstrate no matter how hard and show-offishly they talk of making themselves better, to paraphrase the title of a song by Kern and Hammerstein, We Suits Us Fine.
See ya on the Mall -- with (fill in the blank with a number followed by at least six zeroes) other people!
See ya on the Mall -- with (fill in the blank with a number followed by at least six zeroes) other people!
I must pay more attention to Romenesko's excessively selective Letters page (no conservatives or people making under $250,000 a year, please). The writers are just as excessively self-centered: one complaining about the roof-raising "scandal" that THE WHITE HOUSE DAY-CARE CENTER MUST SUBMIT QUESTIONS TO DUBYA IN ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!; another from the "entertainment editor and movie critic, Buffalo Alternative Press" about USA Okay's crossword puzzles (hey buddy, consider yourself lucky that you got to speak to executive assistants); more head-beatings against walls about the bosses of USA Okay's executive assistants -- in short, if you want to know what most news hacks are not-thinking, turn to Romenesko's Letters page.
Lord Koppel of ESPNdom says St. Edward of Murrow put grease on the slippery slope that led to THE DONALD being a cast member of the TODAY SHOW.
As I've said, NEWS HACKS CAN TALK REFORM UNTIL THE SKY TURNS GREEN WITH PINK POLKADOTS AND IT WON'T HAPPEN.
As I've said, NEWS HACKS CAN TALK REFORM UNTIL THE SKY TURNS GREEN WITH PINK POLKADOTS AND IT WON'T HAPPEN.
PROF caused another INSTASPIKE® when a co-production suggested Congresspoops were engaged in a conspiracy to permanently defang broadcast decency standards. To paraphrase the Coca-Cola executive Donald Keough after New Coke failed, they're not that dumb and they're not that smart. Besides, I wonder how seriously we can take anything from THE LESS-THAN-WORK-SAFE SUPERBLOGGER.
Pentagon Deleted Rumsfeld Comment
Remark to Saudi About War's Certainty Is Not in Internet Transcript of Interview
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! A PAGE-ONE CONSPIRACY!! LET'S SIC WOODY AND BERNIE ON THE CASE TO BRING DOWN A PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remark to Saudi About War's Certainty Is Not in Internet Transcript of Interview
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! A PAGE-ONE CONSPIRACY!! LET'S SIC WOODY AND BERNIE ON THE CASE TO BRING DOWN A PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if he really wants to make it big in the NPCAA, Little John will make sure none of his kids graduate -- while huffing and puffing about RACE PREJUDICE.
Who wants to wager DICKIE V writes his column in GHOST CITY, man?
Who wants to wager DICKIE V writes his column in GHOST CITY, man?
Looks like our friends at The Osama Channel & Co. want to win this war!
ELVIS LIVES! (And so does "Col." "Tom" "Parker.")
ELVIS LIVES! (And so does "Col." "Tom" "Parker.")
And at the GE Bancorp Obscure Sports and Sappy Featurettes Orgy:
There is not a track, or a field, or even any seats, inside Olympic Stadium.
Maybe we can use CGI when we air the thing, right, LITTLE JEFFREY?
Here's betting Bancorp's subsid postpones it a year, whatever some of the formerly Goodthings people think.
There is not a track, or a field, or even any seats, inside Olympic Stadium.
Maybe we can use CGI when we air the thing, right, LITTLE JEFFREY?
Here's betting Bancorp's subsid postpones it a year, whatever some of the formerly Goodthings people think.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
After some DEEP SOUL SEARCHING, USA Okay's editor called it a day.
Every last editor of every last paper could retire and we couldn't take it seriously so long as NEWS HACKS SPIN AND SELL. And if HOWELL's departure effected nothing at the TIMES, the departure of every last editor at every last paper would effect nothing either.
HMMMMMMM, I didn't know this: Jack Kelley, the scapegoat here, "CO-AUTHORED [GHOSTED?] TWO BOOKS" with SOB. THIS IS THE FOUNDER'S BABY AS MUCH AS IT IS ANYBODY'S.
Every last editor of every last paper could retire and we couldn't take it seriously so long as NEWS HACKS SPIN AND SELL. And if HOWELL's departure effected nothing at the TIMES, the departure of every last editor at every last paper would effect nothing either.
HMMMMMMM, I didn't know this: Jack Kelley, the scapegoat here, "CO-AUTHORED [GHOSTED?] TWO BOOKS" with SOB. THIS IS THE FOUNDER'S BABY AS MUCH AS IT IS ANYBODY'S.
"When John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison, he didn't even flinch. This guy asks people he's made fun of to help him. I call him Coward Stern.
OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!! And what does that make HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS?!?
OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!! And what does that make HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS?!?
Heinz Co. proving to be an election-year benefit for President Bush
Just because YOU have the NAME doesn't mean the NAME wants to have YOU.
Just because YOU have the NAME doesn't mean the NAME wants to have YOU.
Iraqi leaders set up tribunal to try Saddam Hussein and other Baathist regime members, Iraqi Governing Council says. [Original "Breaking News" hed]
Maybe THIS will put the brave REBELS in their place.
Maybe THIS will put the brave REBELS in their place.
"It seems to me that people want two things: one, to live forever; and two, to do no work."
I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
Great: California guvments will "regulate" porno-movie "workplaces."
Three questions:
1. Why should guvment regulate porno movies when it's the biz' very nature to encourage unsafe sexual practices?
2. Since part of porno's "charm" is unprotected sex, won't that drive guvment protections out of the racket anyway?
3. Do these people merit guvment protections given their "JOBS"?
Three questions:
1. Why should guvment regulate porno movies when it's the biz' very nature to encourage unsafe sexual practices?
2. Since part of porno's "charm" is unprotected sex, won't that drive guvment protections out of the racket anyway?
3. Do these people merit guvment protections given their "JOBS"?
In more NEWS from the IMMORTAL JACK'S CONSPIRACY, HOWIE'S remaking PORKY'S.
Two things: 1. YOU AIMING THIS AT THE UNDER-17 CROWD, HOWIE? THAT'S YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE!, and 2. We sharing with STERNO?!?
P. S.:
Not to be an ass but...
: Wired reports on Bloggercon and got this wrong:
Another journalist, Jeff Jarvis, former Sunday editor of the Daily News....
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Blogging has its LIMITS, ass! (And I'm not going to take the bait on your LAST line.)
P. P. S. I've been trying to stay away from other people's blogs on purpose. I want this to be MY blog, not someone else's.
Two things: 1. YOU AIMING THIS AT THE UNDER-17 CROWD, HOWIE? THAT'S YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE!, and 2. We sharing with STERNO?!?
P. S.:
Not to be an ass but...
: Wired reports on Bloggercon and got this wrong:
Another journalist, Jeff Jarvis, former Sunday editor of the Daily News....
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Blogging has its LIMITS, ass! (And I'm not going to take the bait on your LAST line.)
P. P. S. I've been trying to stay away from other people's blogs on purpose. I want this to be MY blog, not someone else's.
He says TeREEsa and she says TeRAY-zah!
She says TeRAY-zah and he says TeREEsa!
TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah!
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!!
Of COURSE it's from NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She says TeRAY-zah and he says TeREEsa!
TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah!
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!!
Of COURSE it's from NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey DICK! DICK "SYNERGY" CORLISS! HEY STERNO! HEY EVERYBODY AT TIME WARNER!!!!! TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REPEAT AFTER ME AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, OKAY READY, SCREAM:
GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!
GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!
With that story of the holy beatings, and the story of the arrests, I don't think the timing of THIS story was quite right.
Ho-hum, men beat women in the HOLY LAND of oil and terrorism.
Knowing the very HOLY men there this event will probably encourage MORE holy beatings.
And I've a hunch the lady can expect even HOLIER HOLY beatings.
P. S. One of CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges describes Saudi Arabia as "conservative." TRANSLATION: DUBYA BEATS HIS WIFE!!!!!
Knowing the very HOLY men there this event will probably encourage MORE holy beatings.
And I've a hunch the lady can expect even HOLIER HOLY beatings.
P. S. One of CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges describes Saudi Arabia as "conservative." TRANSLATION: DUBYA BEATS HIS WIFE!!!!!
The League of Nations' HQ is falling apart, AWWWWWWWWWW.
I have an idea, Mr. Save-the-World Nobel: sell the old hovel (it'll make SUPERB luxury condos) and BUILD A NEW HQ -- in Kinshasa, Khartoum, Nouakchott (that's a coastal town, and the name almost looks like New York) -- or your favorite and mine, RIYADH! Maybe we can devise a FOOD-for-BRIBERY campaign to build it! Oh, we already did.
And speaking of The REUT, here's some show-biz PUFFERY AND bad grammar therefrom:
Pitt Now Happy He Forced to Quit Smoking for 'Troy'
Does the clown who wrote this hed work for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) on the side?
Pitt Now Happy He Forced to Quit Smoking for 'Troy'
Does the clown who wrote this hed work for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) on the side?
Not content to rule the world with biased reporting, CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges announce they're starting a FINANCIAL NEWS SERVICE, presumably to inspire depressions. Alas, if I know my business stories, all we'll get out of this is the usual statistical junk and puff pieces.
UPDATE: Isn't Stoogedom a non-profit collective? Isn't it going up against The REUT, which last I heard was a for-profit biz? Will CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) get tax breaks for trying to put The REUT out of business? Not that we'd disapprove.
UPDATE: Isn't Stoogedom a non-profit collective? Isn't it going up against The REUT, which last I heard was a for-profit biz? Will CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) get tax breaks for trying to put The REUT out of business? Not that we'd disapprove.
Monday, April 19, 2004
Shucks, INJUSTICE prevails in TEX-ASS.
I will admit, GERRYMANDER is one of the most loathsome words in our language.
I will admit, GERRYMANDER is one of the most loathsome words in our language.
I'm surprised the HACKS aren't plastering this story about these BRAVE DESERTERS who are doing what some of DIP's friends did.
Another "teacher" to would-be news hacks sez, in another of the industry's tiresome efforts at IRONY:
Savvy news consumers are certain of two things:
• The press is biased. Most often we hear that the press has a liberal bias. Those who are dismayed by the gobbling up of news organizations by ever-larger conglomerates are convinced the press has a conservative bias.
Translation: Since the press is conservatively AND liberally biased, it cancels out. Sorry CHUMP, just because the Times and NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are both biased doesn't negate the overwhelming LIBERAL bias in your biz. GET IT? LIBERAL.
• The press's only concern is the bottom line. Editors therefore use two criteria to judge the newsworthiness of a story or photo: Will it sell papers? Will it make their advertisers happy?
How do I know THIS is actually TRUE: Simple: 1. GanNETt and SOB; 2. The "news"weeklies and People rag; 3. Real-estate sections; and 4. YOUR ENDLESS SHOW-BIZ PR.
As for the bottom line:
...[S]ince so little of the money being raked in by the media moguls trickles down to the newsroom, it is hard to fathom why journalists would devote themselves to making their employers rich.
Hey CHUMP, maybe the AVERAGE news hack doesn't rake in big bucks, but enough of you do -- Mr. BROKAW's GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN will not have to live in a ghetto -- as to make us scorn your objectivity, your writing, your devotion to the human race, and your SANITY.
Or to quote the worn-out line attributed to Shaw: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH."
Savvy news consumers are certain of two things:
• The press is biased. Most often we hear that the press has a liberal bias. Those who are dismayed by the gobbling up of news organizations by ever-larger conglomerates are convinced the press has a conservative bias.
Translation: Since the press is conservatively AND liberally biased, it cancels out. Sorry CHUMP, just because the Times and NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are both biased doesn't negate the overwhelming LIBERAL bias in your biz. GET IT? LIBERAL.
• The press's only concern is the bottom line. Editors therefore use two criteria to judge the newsworthiness of a story or photo: Will it sell papers? Will it make their advertisers happy?
How do I know THIS is actually TRUE: Simple: 1. GanNETt and SOB; 2. The "news"weeklies and People rag; 3. Real-estate sections; and 4. YOUR ENDLESS SHOW-BIZ PR.
As for the bottom line:
...[S]ince so little of the money being raked in by the media moguls trickles down to the newsroom, it is hard to fathom why journalists would devote themselves to making their employers rich.
Hey CHUMP, maybe the AVERAGE news hack doesn't rake in big bucks, but enough of you do -- Mr. BROKAW's GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN will not have to live in a ghetto -- as to make us scorn your objectivity, your writing, your devotion to the human race, and your SANITY.
Or to quote the worn-out line attributed to Shaw: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH."
WELL, Mr. Personality takes over from Tom a little sooner than people thought.
What will the Ossified Three be without him?
And MESS.com got the news from The Reut. I like that too.
What will the Ossified Three be without him?
And MESS.com got the news from The Reut. I like that too.
No, I DEFINITELY think it won't hurt relations.
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK!!!!!
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK!!!!!
Canadians Turn Out for Laughter Classes
They need them, given their lack of a sense of humor.
P. S. I know all about SCTV, and that was twenty years ago.
They need them, given their lack of a sense of humor.
P. S. I know all about SCTV, and that was twenty years ago.
Spain hopes Iraq pullout won't hurt U.S. ties
Sure.
“We’re not washing our hands” of the situation, Moratinos said in an interview Monday in the El Pais newspaper.
SURE.
Sure.
“We’re not washing our hands” of the situation, Moratinos said in an interview Monday in the El Pais newspaper.
SURE.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hamas Vows Revenge but It May Be Too Weakened to Follow Through
I'm so -- SAD!! (sniff sniff)
When virtually the WHOLE WORLD condemns a DEFENSIVE ACT against TERRORISTS you know the guilty party has done a good thing.
I'm so -- SAD!! (sniff sniff)
When virtually the WHOLE WORLD condemns a DEFENSIVE ACT against TERRORISTS you know the guilty party has done a good thing.
SUPERHOOPER SAYS DUBYA PULLED THE TRIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hoop, every time you say something like that you call attention to the STONE-COLD SILENCE of your group to acts of ISLAMIC terror against US. SHUT UP, SUPERHOOPER.
Hoop, every time you say something like that you call attention to the STONE-COLD SILENCE of your group to acts of ISLAMIC terror against US. SHUT UP, SUPERHOOPER.
Now that P. R. MEL has disappeared from the BEEEEEEEEOHHHHHHHHH charts, so have the audiences -- AS BEFORE.
You'd better hope your blockbusters work, IMMORTAL JACK. God knows your CONSPIRACY should get its BLOCKS BUSTED.
You'd better hope your blockbusters work, IMMORTAL JACK. God knows your CONSPIRACY should get its BLOCKS BUSTED.
For the fourth time in six years, Teton County -- gateway to Yellowstone National Park and home to the likes of Vice President Dick Cheney -- is the wealthiest in America.
Something else MILLIONAIRE NEWS HACKS can hold against him!
Something else MILLIONAIRE NEWS HACKS can hold against him!
And in ANOTHER THINKER POSE:
For them, the mystery isn't what Disney should do with [Mickey Mouse]; it's why he lasted so long with nothing left to say.
But then you could opine that about...never mind.
For them, the mystery isn't what Disney should do with [Mickey Mouse]; it's why he lasted so long with nothing left to say.
But then you could opine that about...never mind.
The good movies may be doing just fine — they may even be better than ever....
Another BLURBMEISTER confirms what I've said ALL ALONG. And he's IDIOTIC enough to state this in the FIRST GRAF -- no bother reading further.
Another BLURBMEISTER confirms what I've said ALL ALONG. And he's IDIOTIC enough to state this in the FIRST GRAF -- no bother reading further.
TIME [SIC] Magazine on Sunday published its list of the 100 "World's Most Influential People,'' including President Bush, who it called "a radical gambler.''...
The Dalai Lama, made the "Heroes and Icons'' list. So did golfer Tiger Woods and soccer star David Beckham -- along with California's new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. [FIRST and LAST grafs.]
Gotta repeat something -- AGAIN:
...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are:
1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking.
2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative.
3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists.
4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists.
5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind.
Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid.
P. S. AND:
Peter Jackson, director of the film epic "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,'' and J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, were listed as "Artists and Entertainers.''
I have NO idea why THEY'RE there. Do YOU, STERNO?!?!?
And a SPECIAL THANKS to the REUT, which apparently ran a PRESS RELEASE as NEWS -- witness that "Time" is CAPITALIZED THREE TIMES in the story.
The Dalai Lama, made the "Heroes and Icons'' list. So did golfer Tiger Woods and soccer star David Beckham -- along with California's new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. [FIRST and LAST grafs.]
Gotta repeat something -- AGAIN:
...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are:
1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking.
2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative.
3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists.
4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists.
5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind.
Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid.
P. S. AND:
Peter Jackson, director of the film epic "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,'' and J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, were listed as "Artists and Entertainers.''
I have NO idea why THEY'RE there. Do YOU, STERNO?!?!?
And a SPECIAL THANKS to the REUT, which apparently ran a PRESS RELEASE as NEWS -- witness that "Time" is CAPITALIZED THREE TIMES in the story.
Jackson Asked to Help Free U.S. Captive
And while you're at it, Je$$e, could you help free Saddam Hussein?
And while you're at it, Je$$e, could you help free Saddam Hussein?
More tone-deafness from CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges:
Gay Republicans Say Its [SIC] Hard to Back Bush
I could say something about the fifth word, but the FOURTH is bad enough.
Gay Republicans Say Its [SIC] Hard to Back Bush
I could say something about the fifth word, but the FOURTH is bad enough.
NEWS HACKS have finally found this story -- in hopes the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL GOP SELF-DESTRUCTS!!!!! Whether this is PAT!!!!! and his protest vote in New Hampshire remains to be seen, but the mushy wimpy status quo has been warned.
It's amazing what you can learn from those computers at Google News. For instance, I've learned the problem with THE MEDIA isn't indecency -- it's CONCENTRATION (a code word for all them EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL LOWSY MAYS REPUBLICANS, who are EEEEEEEEEEEVIL because they're REPUBLICANS). I also learned that while HOWIE is "leering, infantile, sexually perverse," he's also a "CIVIL LIBERTARIAN!!!!!!!!!!"
I learned one other thing. Most NEWS HACKS and EXPERTS put their brains in safe-deposit boxes before writing.
I learned one other thing. Most NEWS HACKS and EXPERTS put their brains in safe-deposit boxes before writing.