Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Posted
6:53 PM
by Gene
Well wouldn't you know: YES and YES.
Posted
6:29 PM
by Gene
Hey CLUCKCLUCK! Wasn't your nation once run by a FASCIST?
Posted
6:25 PM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: We've been reading so many NEWS HACKS ELECTING DIPPITY-DO! before the election we didn't know our rear ends from a poll in the ground. Even in solidly Democratic states, challenger appears weak TRANSLATION: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da dut dut!
Posted
11:54 AM
by Gene
Notice that the allegedly POST-HOWELL TIMES puts this in the "FASHION AND STYLE" SECTION. DOES ANYONE EDIT THIS PAPER?
Posted
11:39 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:30 AM
by Gene
That's what they said about FOAM.
Posted
9:33 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:29 AM
by Gene
Aren't there lots of -- you know who -- there?
Posted
9:25 AM
by Gene
I changed this error as I've changed errors before but I may leave them up in the future.
Posted
9:10 AM
by Gene
![]() We'll never know exactly what caused the North Korean catastrophe: the closest witnesses are all dead, and even if people who knew survived, they'd be executed as ENEMIES OF THE DEAR IMMORTAL LEADER for knowing too much. And the truth, one suspects, is nearly as volatile a thing as what blew too many Koreans up. As I said, this will not be a Chernobyl, partly because Chernobyl was NUCLEAR, and partly because there were DISSIDENTS in the Soviet Union, unlike THE WORKERS' PARADISE, which no doubt has a meat-grinding machine nearly as efficient as Hitler's. One other thing: I do not expect any "international organization" within a STONE'S THROW of the LEAGUE OF NATIONS to tell us the whole truth -- and that INCLUDES the International Red Cross. Why am I thinking after the cleanup things will return to EXACTLY AS THEY WERE BEFORE?
Posted
8:51 AM
by Gene
It's a wonder the WHOLE GOVERNMENT isn't locked up -- starting from the TOP.
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
Who needs scandals in the news biz when you've got CURLEY? (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) P. S. NO, I will NOT apologize. Here's Andy "Where's My Meds?" Rooney from two weeks ago: Treating soldiers fighting their war as brave heroes is an old civilian trick designed to keep the soldiers at it. One must charitably suppose Andy was being ironic; he served in the war and worked on Stars and Stripes. But he's also a NEWS HACK, a SUPERZILLIONAIRE NEWS HACK, he works for VIACON, he works in a notoriously LIBERAL division of VIACON, and he was dictating a piece urging us to cut and run from Iraq. We know what cynics NEWS HACKS are; we know of their depthless contempt for the audience disguised as PUBLIC SERVICE, and of their predilection for black humor behind the curtain, much of which they play out on US. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Friday, April 23, 2004
Posted
5:59 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:56 PM
by Gene
WHY couldn't this run somewhere other than the WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS' REVIEW?
Posted
5:45 PM
by Gene
Signs of life in STERNO? Or just a relapse?
Posted
5:34 PM
by Gene
First off, you got hired. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Yassir is the fount from which all curses flow. GENERAL's probably hiding in his bunker.
Posted
1:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:35 PM
by Gene
...unless some HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL...oh, never mind.
Posted
1:30 PM
by Gene
![]() I think we have a LONG way to go before the HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL WORLD accepts OH-SO-SOPHISTICATED ADULT MOVIES. P. S. None of IMMORTAL JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP? Or do you prefer RAMEN?
Posted
1:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:23 PM
by Gene
Actually with the Journals he'd have to lose East Upperville and West Upperville, both very shady precincts. Now is he campaigning in your town, SOB -- LOWERVILLE?!?
Posted
12:13 PM
by Gene
Is RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a scoundrel?
Posted
11:52 AM
by Gene
Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
11:46 AM
by Gene
To be borne by their shareholders and RATEPAYERS.
Posted
11:43 AM
by Gene
And we may be sure they support jihads in every nation that doesn't worship the stone age. One reason a former NFL star died in Afghanistan is that you jerks SMILED ON 9/11.
Posted
11:38 AM
by Gene
If you nominal Catholics don't like it, JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH.
Posted
11:36 AM
by Gene
You can't? I can't either. This guy did. Patriotism is a little more than a slogan.
Posted
10:52 AM
by Gene
New York Times runs wrong picture with murder report But to this day, at the biggest tower of babble there ever was, they STILL don't know about SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE -- and WOULDN'T CARE IF THEY DID.
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE will NEVER admit to this. He thinks it came from the Tooth Fairy.
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:55 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:47 AM
by Gene
Why do I see Lenny leaning back in his expensive leather chair, propping his feet up on an expensive mahogany desk, and drawing a nice long puff of smoke from a superexpensive, superstinky ceegar, which he promptly wafts into the nearest intern's face, no-smoking ordinances notwithstanding?
Posted
6:34 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:31 AM
by Gene
P. S. I'm very sorry you lost your job, and you meant well; but HHHWALTER and his boys do NOT mean well. Thursday, April 22, 2004
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:59 PM
by Gene
That WONDERFUL press release comes as the ill-begotten revival of Gypsy posts a closing notice after losing roughly half of its $8 million cap. I roll my eyes as it's de facto become some sort of GAY musical thanks to Mama Rose (and the title character too), quite unfortunate as it's a first-class show about a stripper's rise to stardom, and in Gypsy's day, stripping was a HETERO thing. Did anybody other than John Simon note that the Divine Miss P. has a striking facial resemblance to the Ethereal Miss L.? I should like to have seen her as GYPSY, not Mama Rose.
Posted
1:36 PM
by Gene
I'd love -- HATE to see a downturn.
Posted
12:30 PM
by Gene
IF CONSTITUENTS DO NOT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's like the Times saying, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THAT EVERY NEWS HACK IN AMERICA CRIBS OFF OF US, START YOUR OWN PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
12:08 PM
by Gene
Let's see it backfire, as it most certainly will.
Posted
11:54 AM
by Gene
![]() I'm betting this is the only picture we see of the calamity. I'm also betting we don't hear about this after tomorrow, so ruthless is The Supreme God's dictatorship and so incurious are NEWS HACKS. That and the military angle guarantee this is no Chernobyl. But we WILL hear about WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone for SATELLITE IMAGERY?
Posted
9:29 AM
by Gene
Who needs TNT with Time Warner's accounting department?
Posted
9:10 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:51 AM
by Gene
When will the boys realize they're playing a dead horse? (Courtesy the sometimes VERY irritating ArtsJournal.com.)
Posted
8:44 AM
by Gene
WHAT? THEY don't get 72 virgins?
Posted
8:38 AM
by Gene
And as I've noted before, the TWXSTERS are doing this LARGELY OUT OF ACCOUNTING. P. S. Famous last words: [T]he idea of sticking up for swear words and flashes of breast may seem like a stupid thing to do. But if USA OKAY'S painful self-flagellation says anything, it's that YOU NEWS HACKS ALWAYS DO STUPID THINGS.
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:32 AM
by Gene
![]() Epitaph of a writer: F. Scott Fitzgerald moved to Hollywood for easy money, but material in a new archive reveals he worked hard, toiling away on now-forgotten movies. [Front-page tease] He bet on the wrong horse: the books lived. His story should teach MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS that SOME THINGS AREN'T IMMORTAL.
Posted
6:27 AM
by Gene
It's a good thing our military doesn't use WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS or they'd REALLY be in the soup.
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Posted
5:53 PM
by Gene
And he "SPOKE FLUENT FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Caution: that second link's a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Posted
5:46 PM
by Gene
Shucks, NEWS HACKS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!? Better improve our ETHICS.
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE.... P. S. REUT!!!!! That LEGENDARY studio isn't MGM, it's UNITED ARTISTS! It changed the name because HEAVEN'S GATE STUNK UP THE GYM!
Posted
5:16 PM
by Gene
Possibly because he's used his house as in indoor shooting gallery.
Posted
5:13 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
See ya on the Mall -- with (fill in the blank with a number followed by at least six zeroes) other people!
Posted
1:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:19 AM
by Gene
As I've said, NEWS HACKS CAN TALK REFORM UNTIL THE SKY TURNS GREEN WITH PINK POLKADOTS AND IT WON'T HAPPEN.
Posted
10:09 AM
by Gene
Translation: I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID YESTERDAY!
Posted
10:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
It depends upon the meaning of loser.
Posted
6:57 AM
by Gene
Remark to Saudi About War's Certainty Is Not in Internet Transcript of Interview OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! A PAGE-ONE CONSPIRACY!! LET'S SIC WOODY AND BERNIE ON THE CASE TO BRING DOWN A PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
6:54 AM
by Gene
Who wants to wager DICKIE V writes his column in GHOST CITY, man?
Posted
6:49 AM
by Gene
ELVIS LIVES! (And so does "Col." "Tom" "Parker.")
Posted
6:30 AM
by Gene
There is not a track, or a field, or even any seats, inside Olympic Stadium. Maybe we can use CGI when we air the thing, right, LITTLE JEFFREY? Here's betting Bancorp's subsid postpones it a year, whatever some of the formerly Goodthings people think.
Posted
6:25 AM
by Gene
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Posted
8:04 PM
by Gene
Every last editor of every last paper could retire and we couldn't take it seriously so long as NEWS HACKS SPIN AND SELL. And if HOWELL's departure effected nothing at the TIMES, the departure of every last editor at every last paper would effect nothing either. HMMMMMMM, I didn't know this: Jack Kelley, the scapegoat here, "CO-AUTHORED [GHOSTED?] TWO BOOKS" with SOB. THIS IS THE FOUNDER'S BABY AS MUCH AS IT IS ANYBODY'S.
Posted
5:57 PM
by Gene
OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!! And what does that make HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS?!?
Posted
5:47 PM
by Gene
So FEW, with all the RICHES of the last FOUR DECADES?
Posted
5:35 PM
by Gene
Just because YOU have the NAME doesn't mean the NAME wants to have YOU.
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
Maybe THIS will put the brave REBELS in their place.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Morale must REALLY be high now!
Posted
1:53 PM
by Gene
What DOES this have to do with the puny pay for CEOs?
Posted
1:20 PM
by Gene
I'll drink to that.
Posted
1:16 PM
by Gene
Three questions: 1. Why should guvment regulate porno movies when it's the biz' very nature to encourage unsafe sexual practices? 2. Since part of porno's "charm" is unprotected sex, won't that drive guvment protections out of the racket anyway? 3. Do these people merit guvment protections given their "JOBS"?
Posted
10:52 AM
by Gene
![]() Wave BYEBYE to the crowd, NIXON!!!!!
Posted
10:45 AM
by Gene
Two things: 1. YOU AIMING THIS AT THE UNDER-17 CROWD, HOWIE? THAT'S YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE!, and 2. We sharing with STERNO?!? P. S.: Not to be an ass but... : Wired reports on Bloggercon and got this wrong: Another journalist, Jeff Jarvis, former Sunday editor of the Daily News.... HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Blogging has its LIMITS, ass! (And I'm not going to take the bait on your LAST line.) P. P. S. I've been trying to stay away from other people's blogs on purpose. I want this to be MY blog, not someone else's.
Posted
10:30 AM
by Gene
She says TeRAY-zah and he says TeREEsa! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!! Of COURSE it's from NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
9:31 AM
by Gene
GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
...AND OCCUPY EVERY CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS IN AMERICA!!!!!
Posted
8:14 AM
by Gene
Knowing the very HOLY men there this event will probably encourage MORE holy beatings. And I've a hunch the lady can expect even HOLIER HOLY beatings. P. S. One of CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges describes Saudi Arabia as "conservative." TRANSLATION: DUBYA BEATS HIS WIFE!!!!!
Posted
6:50 AM
by Gene
![]() The League of Nations' HQ is falling apart, AWWWWWWWWWW. I have an idea, Mr. Save-the-World Nobel: sell the old hovel (it'll make SUPERB luxury condos) and BUILD A NEW HQ -- in Kinshasa, Khartoum, Nouakchott (that's a coastal town, and the name almost looks like New York) -- or your favorite and mine, RIYADH! Maybe we can devise a FOOD-for-BRIBERY campaign to build it! Oh, we already did.
Posted
6:30 AM
by Gene
Pitt Now Happy He Forced to Quit Smoking for 'Troy' Does the clown who wrote this hed work for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) on the side?
Posted
6:27 AM
by Gene
UPDATE: Isn't Stoogedom a non-profit collective? Isn't it going up against The REUT, which last I heard was a for-profit biz? Will CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) get tax breaks for trying to put The REUT out of business? Not that we'd disapprove. Monday, April 19, 2004
Posted
5:33 PM
by Gene
I will admit, GERRYMANDER is one of the most loathsome words in our language.
Posted
5:30 PM
by Gene
So does a dunce cap, for what that's worth.
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:03 PM
by Gene
Savvy news consumers are certain of two things: • The press is biased. Most often we hear that the press has a liberal bias. Those who are dismayed by the gobbling up of news organizations by ever-larger conglomerates are convinced the press has a conservative bias. Translation: Since the press is conservatively AND liberally biased, it cancels out. Sorry CHUMP, just because the Times and NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are both biased doesn't negate the overwhelming LIBERAL bias in your biz. GET IT? LIBERAL. • The press's only concern is the bottom line. Editors therefore use two criteria to judge the newsworthiness of a story or photo: Will it sell papers? Will it make their advertisers happy? How do I know THIS is actually TRUE: Simple: 1. GanNETt and SOB; 2. The "news"weeklies and People rag; 3. Real-estate sections; and 4. YOUR ENDLESS SHOW-BIZ PR. As for the bottom line: ...[S]ince so little of the money being raked in by the media moguls trickles down to the newsroom, it is hard to fathom why journalists would devote themselves to making their employers rich. Hey CHUMP, maybe the AVERAGE news hack doesn't rake in big bucks, but enough of you do -- Mr. BROKAW's GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN will not have to live in a ghetto -- as to make us scorn your objectivity, your writing, your devotion to the human race, and your SANITY. Or to quote the worn-out line attributed to Shaw: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH."
Posted
3:30 PM
by Gene
What will the Ossified Three be without him? And MESS.com got the news from The Reut. I like that too.
Posted
11:50 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:37 AM
by Gene
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK!!!!!
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
They need them, given their lack of a sense of humor. P. S. I know all about SCTV, and that was twenty years ago.
Posted
9:24 AM
by Gene
Sure. “We’re not washing our hands” of the situation, Moratinos said in an interview Monday in the El Pais newspaper. SURE.
Posted
7:01 AM
by Gene
When it's African -- and Africans aren't taking money from American chapters of the British Vicarage and Tea-Time Club.
Posted
6:59 AM
by Gene
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Posted
3:59 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:23 PM
by Gene
I'm so -- SAD!! (sniff sniff) When virtually the WHOLE WORLD condemns a DEFENSIVE ACT against TERRORISTS you know the guilty party has done a good thing.
Posted
12:58 PM
by Gene
Hoop, every time you say something like that you call attention to the STONE-COLD SILENCE of your group to acts of ISLAMIC terror against US. SHUT UP, SUPERHOOPER.
Posted
11:37 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
You'd better hope your blockbusters work, IMMORTAL JACK. God knows your CONSPIRACY should get its BLOCKS BUSTED.
Posted
10:21 AM
by Gene
Something else MILLIONAIRE NEWS HACKS can hold against him!
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
For them, the mystery isn't what Disney should do with [Mickey Mouse]; it's why he lasted so long with nothing left to say. But then you could opine that about...never mind.
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
Another BLURBMEISTER confirms what I've said ALL ALONG. And he's IDIOTIC enough to state this in the FIRST GRAF -- no bother reading further.
Posted
7:44 AM
by Gene
The Dalai Lama, made the "Heroes and Icons'' list. So did golfer Tiger Woods and soccer star David Beckham -- along with California's new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. [FIRST and LAST grafs.] Gotta repeat something -- AGAIN: ...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are: 1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking. 2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative. 3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists. 4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists. 5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind. Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid. P. S. AND: Peter Jackson, director of the film epic "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,'' and J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, were listed as "Artists and Entertainers.'' I have NO idea why THEY'RE there. Do YOU, STERNO?!?!? And a SPECIAL THANKS to the REUT, which apparently ran a PRESS RELEASE as NEWS -- witness that "Time" is CAPITALIZED THREE TIMES in the story.
Posted
7:37 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:34 AM
by Gene
And while you're at it, Je$$e, could you help free Saddam Hussein?
Posted
7:33 AM
by Gene
Gay Republicans Say Its [SIC] Hard to Back Bush I could say something about the fifth word, but the FOURTH is bad enough.
Posted
7:28 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:20 AM
by Gene
I learned one other thing. Most NEWS HACKS and EXPERTS put their brains in safe-deposit boxes before writing.
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