Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Posted
8:49 PM
by Gene
Which gets more column inches: Saddam and his al Qaeda links, or Strom's love child? I'd like to hear THE TIMES' PUBLIC EDITOR answer that one.
Posted
8:38 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:58 PM
by Gene
You heard of CGI, moron?
Posted
5:43 PM
by Gene
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4:55 PM
by Gene
(The network also admits another of its series is "obtuse." Thankfully the HBO audience is obtuse enough to shell out several hundred a year for obtuseness.)
Posted
4:47 PM
by Gene
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4:40 PM
by Gene
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1:44 PM
by Gene
P. S. From Ranesh Ponnuru on NRO's "The Corner": There seem to be a lot of ads recently that are selling several products. Many of them involve the Cat in the Hat. The whole trend should be liquidated. Case closed.
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
No doubt Minghella will achieve this goal--"Cold Mountain" is as close to a sure thing as there is for a Best Picture nomination. But it may leave you feeling a bit used. You should know, Jonathan, movies aren't made for audiences anymore.
Posted
11:24 AM
by Gene
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11:17 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:10 AM
by Gene
Funeral industry measures flu threat So far, epidemic hasn't spread to death care stocks Double shucks. Oh -- and is that our new euphemism for undertakers: "DEATH CARE PROVIDERS"?
Posted
8:05 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:02 AM
by Gene
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7:58 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:55 AM
by Gene
![]() In the upside-down, left-is-r, er, some-other-direction world of The New York Times, what's bad is not that this sculpture of Rev. King doesn't look like him (it doesn't), it's that -- "THE SCULPTOR IS WHITE." BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Shouldn't we have waited for this "story" until his holiday? Friday, December 12, 2003
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
Does this mean anything? Mostly, judging from the text, no -- unless you're a satellite or living in the South Atlantic. Yet this got posted on the front page of USA Okay's site. This and the endless bowel movements about PARIS go together.
Posted
5:10 PM
by Gene
And these are the idiots who lectured us about Iraq. If we turned those two countries over to the League we'd get two new Muslim Joe Stalins -- which would be fine at the Puzzle Palace on the East River.
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
OR: ...[A] breakdown of fuel costs, contained in Army Corps documents recently provided to Democratic Congressional investigators and shared with The New York Times.... If CheneyCorp, er, HALLIBURTON fleeced the government, of course it should pay. But this isn't about greedy corporate America cheating us; this is about A DEMOCRAT FOR PRESIDENT.
Posted
1:24 PM
by Gene
And how appropriate that Mick was knighted by Charlie, who also knows a few things about doing -- er, women.
Posted
1:22 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:00 PM
by Gene
I should hope; otherwise we'd all be eating bananas and gooing oo-AH-oo-AH.
Posted
12:07 PM
by Gene
I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWL AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!!!!!!And after the game maybe they can donate a few bucks to President DAMN!'s campaign.
Posted
11:46 AM
by Gene
"This is an Islamic way of doing justice," said the judge. I'll agree with the first part. And no, I didn't find it on lgf. Let's see if and when he posts it.
Posted
11:38 AM
by Gene
Does that make him a SOUTH PARK -- forget it.
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
Tolkien's Women is one of those titles that always appears on hypothetical lists of World's Shortest Books.... Adolescent fantasy indeed.
Posted
9:15 AM
by Gene
Alas, no; those bozos will still sit at the bar at the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad, sipping their Perriers, and daydreaming.
Posted
8:50 AM
by Gene
The teams scored 55 points in the first two periods, the fewest two-team total since the shot clock was introduced in the 1954-55 season. EXCITEMENT!!!!!
Posted
8:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:29 AM
by Gene
As one of the Nine Fingers in the Wind said the other day (but not as well), money follows the path of least resistance. So do professional athletes. Thursday, December 11, 2003
Posted
7:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:25 PM
by Gene
Pentagon auditors found that Vice President Dick Cheney's former company.... Bias? What bias?
Posted
7:21 PM
by Gene
"The Democratic bird doesn't fly with one wing. It needs all its wings.'' And that's the problem, Sen. Morals: this turkey has so many wings it can't fly.
Posted
5:35 PM
by Gene
I guess that means he pulls the troops from Iraq too.
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
Pffh-hh-hh-hh-hh ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
5:20 PM
by Gene
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5:15 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:36 AM
by Gene
This is getting to be worse than OJ.
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
And THE CIA ran those demonstrations.
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
The Eliot Spitzer types should look into this.
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:55 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:51 AM
by Gene
This is where GENERAL comes in, sighhhhhhhhhhhh.
Posted
6:41 AM
by Gene
What surfers search for: the top 100 Let me guess: Britney, sex, Michael Jackson, sex, JLo, sex, plus a few screwy terms that may allow them to run videogames on their PCs faster. We forget the Web audience is predominantly young -- and stupid.
Posted
6:25 AM
by Gene
P. S. I suspect one reason news hacks are imposing the blackout is that they think our side organized the protests. But what if our side didn't? And does it make these protests unworthy even if our side did? No, you have to be one of the good guys to get a battalion of ENGs into the field. Bloggers have the peashooters; news hacks have the nukes.
Posted
6:17 AM
by Gene
Will we send the fundraising junk mail there? Or will we come courting personally as usual? Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Posted
5:48 PM
by Gene
Pregnant Gwyneth, Rocker Reported to Have Married I'd call this a shotgun wedding, but in show-biz, they hate guns.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
I'm still available. Our favorite PR man also says WACKO's alleged victim's mother went "shrink shopping." Where's the white flag?
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
This is unjust! He was only doing illegally what the royals do legally.
Posted
5:10 PM
by Gene
Given MICKEYMOUSE NIXON'S definition of "family" I'd say it's going to be mighty dysfunctional.
Posted
2:29 PM
by Gene
Hey Tricky, I'll bet you weren't the life of the party when you started talking to the portraits on the White House walls.
Posted
2:24 PM
by Gene
[W]e got so lost fumbling through the Tommy Hilfiger and Coach ads we completely forget what we were reading by the time we found the jump page. Maybe that's why Adweek named Carter Editor of the Year in a 4,600-word profile back in March.
Posted
2:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:47 PM
by Gene
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1:37 PM
by Gene
I'm almost afraid to say this: was there cheering at the Wall Street Journals Liberal Edition?
Posted
12:40 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
Do most people want to watch a six-hour tantrum about AIDS?
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
Look at it this way, George. You get to KEEP more of your millions. You may need them for all the meds. P. S. The Freepers are attempting mass suicide. They should remember that most of the soft money that supports their favorites goes to -- where? Robin Hood, to distribute to the rich? Does it turn into clouds that deliver the rain that waters the trees that grow money? IT GOES TO BROADCASTERS, who then use the money to finance (among other things) THE UNHOLY NEWS DIVISIONS AND THAT TRIUMVIRATE OF LIES, DAN, TOM AND PEE-TAH. They should remember THAT before they seek out psychiatrists.
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:04 AM
by Gene
NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-NYAH-NYAH-NYAAAAAAAAAAAH-NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Posted
10:00 AM
by Gene
OR: ...[A] breakdown of fuel costs, contained in Army Corps documents recently provided to Democratic Congressional investigators and shared with The New York Times.... I wonder if they'd have admitted this before the PUBLIC EDITOR. P. S. The C-WORD appears once.
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:58 AM
by Gene
Or maybe they saw what happened to Penthouse.
Posted
6:31 AM
by Gene
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Posted
8:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:57 PM
by Gene
Yeah, you're worth fifty billion, GOOGLE -- fifty billion Soviet rubles.
Posted
7:55 PM
by Gene
The latest buzz around DreamWorks Pictures is that Jerry Seinfeld will write, produce and star in an animated film set in the world of bees. The studio announced Tuesday that Seinfeld will begin work on a film titled "Bee Movie." I'm getting tired of saying "nuf said." NUF SAID.
Posted
6:14 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:06 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:50 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:46 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
What he meant was...never mind.
Posted
5:21 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Posted
11:18 AM
by Gene
Back where? Back to the future? Back to McGovern? Or back from what? From the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Republicans who've proved they can be just like the Democrats of yore? Back to what or where or from whom, Al? I love modern political oratory, don't you?
Posted
11:05 AM
by Gene
I really do think WALTER WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ought to buy NewsMax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It could add misspellings to his vast repertory.
Posted
10:51 AM
by Gene
Old CW: The WACKO overcoverage is terrible. New CW: The griping about the WACKO overcoverage is terrible. I'll bet the National Journal's subscribers are glad THEY contribute $20,000 a month to William Powers's salary so he can write CW anti-CW stuff like this.
Posted
6:49 AM
by Gene
"As long as it's economy class." Better!
Posted
6:42 AM
by Gene
ArneRt ouSE CA bLElinestoadDDDddPh ONe To iNTErrrrrrrrrrNETSERviCeGo for it!
Posted
6:29 AM
by Gene
WALTER!!!!! Take your hat and pull it ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FLOOR. (Alas, if I know THE WINCH he probably views his INNUMERABLE MISTAKES the same way other NEWS HACKS would -- WITH PRIDE.)
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
Remember, St. Warren, Planet Earth was meant to hold only six million.
Posted
6:22 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:18 AM
by Gene
Now we have to think up the equivalent of stirring patriotic music. How about "Deutschland uber Alles?" Did Democratic Kampuchea have an anthem? Monday, December 08, 2003
Posted
6:35 PM
by Gene
To prove misery loves companies. Then again, things can't get that much worse.
Posted
6:00 PM
by Gene
I don't think a paper from the Bagman Capital of the World is in a position to lecture us about anything.
Posted
5:56 PM
by Gene
Buzz, your blog can be as predictable as the non-news biz.
Posted
5:49 PM
by Gene
Yeah -- and guess who's behind the wheel? MICKEYMOUSE NIXON! He thinks it's a Rolls.
Posted
5:25 PM
by Gene
Plan would ax top forest jobs Woodman, spare that special-events director! Line of the Day: The alternative budget also would lay off Frank Damato, the intergovernmental affairs director who has been nicknamed "the Ed McMahon of County Government." Opposition commissioners question what Damato does for $81,000 a year, other than laugh at [County Board President John] Stroger's jokes. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's JOHNNY? Multiply this by ten thousand -- and you get Republicans in Congress.
Posted
5:16 PM
by Gene
QAEDA SHIFTS TO IRAQ? An interesting piece in Newsweek suggests that bin Laden has decided to pull some troops and resources out of Afghanistan and deploy them in Iraq. Newsweek, natch, spins this as bad news. What did I say almost 30 HOURS before Andy S., who gets billions of hits because he's ALWAYS on top of everything? I'm seriously thinking of putting a tip jar on my site. Andy S. can.
Posted
5:10 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:05 PM
by Gene
Putting aside that we could probably multiply that number by 100,000, I can think of Reason Number One: the day Henry Luce and Briton Hadden decided to start a newsmagazine.
Posted
11:58 AM
by Gene
Ka-CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHINGCHING CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
And Modern Maturity is the largest. This is a land of immortal aliterates.
Posted
11:27 AM
by Gene
Starting with Walt Disney.
Posted
11:17 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:11 AM
by Gene
After they've finished fixing their studies Americans will be healthier than ever.
Posted
6:44 AM
by Gene
By the way, did Maya Lin ever do anything else? I didn't think so. She's the one-hit wonder of architecture. Sunday, December 07, 2003
Posted
6:51 PM
by Gene
![]() Now I know the professional pro-sports fans are nuts. These two were esconced "about an hour before the game" at Overpriced-Razor-Monopoly Stadium in Foxborough. How's your fantasy league doing? Never mind, you live it.
Posted
5:56 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:39 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
Maybe I could sue Google for causing me to add new entries to my Site Meter count.
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:17 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Yeah. Here in Philadelphia we were supposed to get three feet and instead got flurries. The Weather Service must stop using bunions as a forecasting tool.
Posted
8:13 AM
by Gene
For a time it was; we remember seeing press release after press release after press release saying how KEE-YUTE Ozzy was. Only a scribbler would have figured he was being ECCENTRIC. Once again, news hacks have it both ways.
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