Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED: I know more than you. I make lots more money than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm sexier than you. I appear on TV all the time. I work ten minutes a day. I rule the universe. I'm going to live forever. You are an idiot. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2: A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3: I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity. --JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL. THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4: News isn't news when we don't report it. PERMALINKS: THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE! Blogroll Me! |
Monday, October 31, 2005
Posted
5:57 PM
by Gene
The future is a la carte over the WEB, whether the media tyrannies and THE CABLE CONSPIRACY LIKE IT OR NOT.
Posted
5:47 PM
by Gene
Do I hear con-SER-va-tives going BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA? Well, all we can say is LIBERALS HAD THEIR CHANCE.
Posted
5:39 PM
by Gene
On Friday, the svengali-like CEO of Apple Computer and Pixar Animated Studios lashed out at author Fredric Alan Maxwell after he sent Jobs a 4,000-word article he wrote for Fast Company magazine about the untold story of Jobs' biological father, a Syrian immigrant and political science professor named Abdulfattah Jandali. "Are you a nut case?" Jobs demanded, signing the oneliner "Steve." Maxwell fired back: "Are you?" Just A problem: one of these nut cases is worth ZILLIONS.
Posted
4:18 PM
by Gene
STERNO!!!!! YOU'RE ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS YAHWEH!!!!! Dell said sales in its American consumer and British business customer lines was partly to blame for the shortfall.... ALMOST? AS POWERFUL!
Posted
4:05 PM
by Gene
Who'd have THOUGHT THE CONSPIRACY capable of such MENDACITY? Who'd have thought THE PAPER OF RE-CORD capable of such GULLIBILITY? Not US!
Posted
3:53 PM
by Gene
Don't the people in Battle Creek realize this is no time for BIGMEDIA stocks?
Posted
12:16 PM
by Gene
• Truck hits hayride, killing 4 • Woman falls after dangling from hot air balloon • Pastor electrocuted while performing baptism [Fourth through sixth listings in "More News" on the home page] News hacks should apologize for doing everything they can to avoid hard news, replacing it with misfortunes, bias and selling.
Posted
11:39 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:28 AM
by Gene
Is Drudge "over"? He was over when the SPYWARE entered the HOLE IN HIS HEAD.
Posted
9:00 AM
by Gene
Instead of the most risible?
Posted
7:14 AM
by Gene
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO PAT! We sorta liked it better when you were behind the wall.
Posted
7:01 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:48 AM
by Gene
Look folks, there was little "culture" before Osama. What your neighborhood needs is what it used to have -- jobs, commercial jobs, retailing jobs, not all sorts of jobs knocking America or sitting on its behinds or pleasing THE LORD GOD PINCH. Face it, doesn't New York have enough ARTS as it is?
Posted
6:41 AM
by Gene
Conservatives and Republicans must learn to rule America WITHOUT the help of NEWS HACKS and their FRIENDS, because they can do NOTHING to please them, and EVERYTHING to ANNOY them. And if NEWS HACKS and their FRIENDS scream and cry and tell mommy -- so be it.
Posted
1:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
1:05 AM
by Gene
Posted
12:32 AM
by Gene
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Posted
7:38 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:12 PM
by Gene
Can't we just forget about politics and let the kids exercise their imaginations? [I]ts sometimes-dark imagery - and the gory movies and masks that go along with it - mean that some Christian and Muslim families keep their kids at home that day. I think this merits a special THANK YOU to DR. EVIL!!!!!
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:19 PM
by Gene
The eulogy for the comic book.
Posted
4:06 PM
by Gene
Reid: Apologize That's right Reid, APOLOGIZE. Well taken, USAOKAY!!!!! (Pffh-hh-hh!)
Posted
2:01 PM
by Gene
Don't forget about all the fraudulent clicks ey... It seems like they're having [joelonsoftware.com] a [webpronews.com] lot [webpronews.com] of [cnn.com] problems [theregister.co.uk] with those... I remember, a day or two after Katrina, trying to track down a few friends who had fled New Orleans, and when reading my email thread in gmail I was offered a great deal on a travel package to the historic French quarter. :) It figures that one of the most sophisticated AIs ever developed would find its use in advertising. Shouldn't this posting be titled: Smarter Google Ads Targets Stupid People Better. And there will be MORE, to be SURE, but I don't have all day with SLASHDOT.
Posted
1:55 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:41 PM
by Gene
Now we'll confess we like sexy babes as much as the next man, but is it, er, REALISTIC to expect to find them on a Web dating service?
Posted
1:34 PM
by Gene
Also, it appears six of the top ten may not earn back their production costs. BETTER! And SHUCKS, DOOM went down ONLY by 73.8 PERCENT. How ya gonna bring Goodthings to THAT number, PLASTIC MAN? Interesting: CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGE doesn't mention it, thus once again practicing that SUPREME NEWS-HACK DICTUM: If the PUBLIC DOESN'T KNOW, it DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW. P. S. THE UNDER-17-UNACCOMPANIED-BY-A-PARENT SLIME.
Posted
1:21 PM
by Gene
![]() I confess I'm of more than two minds about the reconstruction of that magnificent church in Drseden. On the one hand it's a grand thing to know it's been rebuilt; on the other hand the church's very "pockmarks" and the dark ghostly presence of an original wall must remind people that it has been rebuilt, and therefore it's not quite the same. And I suppose with 60 years hindsight we should probe our consciences that we destroyed such a landmark. On the other hand, that scum like "Doctor Death" still evades justice tells us why we had to do it. Nonetheless its very reconstruction after too long is a symbol of reconciliation -- and reunification -- with the hope that never again will Europe be bombed by the sons of Europe, or anyone else.
Posted
12:56 PM
by Gene
Consider the case of Brent Scowcroft. According to last week's New Yorker, former president Bush has tried to arrange a meeting between his old national-security adviser (and best friend) and his son. But after Scowcroft wrote a 2002 op-ed piece titled "Don't Attack Saddam," the president has consistently refused his own father's request. Now we know that Bush's lack of curiosity has proved fatal. SO -- the guy who licked the Chinese shoes after Tiananmen is now a GOOD GUY. Yep, one or two more scribblings like this and we WILL make fun of your HAIR.
Posted
11:53 AM
by Gene
Two American soldiers have been charged with allegedly assaulting two detainees at a U.S.-led coalition base in southern Afghanistan, the military said Sunday. But goshdarnit, not EVERYTHING can go the HACKS' WAY: The announcement came 10 days after the U.S. military launched an investigation into allegations that some American troops allegedly burned the bodies of two Taliban rebels slain in battle, an act that purportedly was caught on video by an embedded freelance cameraman and broadcast on television. Cremation of corpses is banned in Islam and the alleged desecration sparked outrage in Afghanistan. Some Islamic clerics warned of a violent anti-American backlash, but so far there have no demonstrations. JEEZ, you'd think the AFGHANIS would KNOW BETTER. They'd get LOTS OF SUPPORT from NEWS HACKS.
Posted
11:41 AM
by Gene
In recent years, the Skoll Foundation, which shares Participant's commitment to social change (though it has no direct ties to the film company), has had its own encounters with the fast food industry - as an investor. According to its tax statement for the year ending Nov. 30, 2003, the foundation's $161 million in assets included $1.3 million worth of shares in fast food companies and their suppliers. Holdings included Yum! Brands (which claims to be the world's largest fast food restaurant company and includes Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell and other chains), Kraft Foods, Cadbury-Schweppes, Coca-Cola, Pepsi Bottling Group, and Aramark, a vending machine company. Mr. Skoll, who is the foundation's chairman as well as the founder and chief executive of Participant, said, "I don't see a conflict between these investments and our intent with 'Fast Food Nation.'" The film, he said, is "intended to educate consumers about industry-wide practices, not pick on the practices of any specific company." The foundation's president and chief executive, Sally Osberg, defended the foundation's investment strategy. "It's only inconsistent on the surface," she said. So long as our MOUTHS are in the right place.
Posted
8:50 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:31 AM
by Gene
![]() I wouldn't do that, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PAPER OF RE-CORD could always come back at YOU -- and YOU'RE OLDER. And for all THAT: Indeed, not one person interviewed for this article thinks he'll be forced to offer up anything more severe than the "culpas" already dispensed. ONCE a GOD, ALWAYS a GOD.
Posted
7:48 AM
by Gene
War blamed as 6,000 quit Territorial Army (UK's National Guard - What's with Murdoch's Press?)
Posted
7:40 AM
by Gene
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Posted
10:15 PM
by Gene
Suddenly there's a whole SLEW of movies that MUST be about something. Two of them are from the TWXSTERS and that eBay -- merchant, the one's playing to small groups of the converted and the other's playing to largely empty houses. And now they're about to inflict MORE on us, courtesy in no small part of ROSIE'S NEPHEW. These clowns have trouble enough making money entertaining us, and now they want to TELL us something. If all four of the Warner brothers could come back from the dead they'd probably run these preachers out of Burbank with an batallion of armed guards and an arsenal of brickbats.
Posted
10:06 PM
by Gene
I think I see why Yahoo! is charging more for its music service: that way it can pay for better interns.
Posted
10:04 PM
by Gene
The controversial MP now faces the full weight of the US justice system. Scotland on Sunday can reveal that Galloway has been referred to the US Department of Justice, two federal prosecutors and to the district attorney in Manhattan, New York, over claims that he has committed perjury. Forgive us for saying this, but it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Posted
4:45 PM
by Gene
God knows THE CONSPIRACY's working at it. Still think people are banging down the popcorn restaurants' doors for VIDEOGAME MOVIES, Little Jeffy?
Posted
4:06 PM
by Gene
YOU have to ask? I mean you ONLY endorsed him for mayor, what, three times? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me THRICE....
Posted
2:40 PM
by Gene
And we suspect after this Rambo will be out of business. Don't CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES have anything better to do than plug show-biz and persecute Republicans? It doesn't seem so.
Posted
1:34 PM
by Gene
Back to square one?
Posted
1:13 PM
by Gene
How low will they go? Then again, maybe they're showing mercy for the poor MREs.
Posted
9:56 AM
by Gene
"Oh we're sorry to hear that," says show-biz. "Now how much will SAW II make this weekend?"
Posted
9:47 AM
by Gene
Credible Reporters? Libby Trial Will Feature Journalists as Key Witnesses We recall what happened to Vanity Fair after LEW LAPHAM (who would SURELY consider HIMself a JERNALIST) testified on its behalf in that Roman Polanski libel case: it LOST. Better be careful with those witnesses!
Posted
9:35 AM
by Gene
Now if the state could put him on trial for his "MUSIC"-MAKING any jury would find him GUILTY.
Posted
9:35 AM
by Gene
China Trade Surplus May Widen to $90 Billion in 2005 WAL-MART UBER ALLES!
Posted
9:30 AM
by Gene
We hope Schmitty gets it, and does well, but why are we thinking great players make mediocre managers?
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
We all know that laughter is supposed to prolong life. Just by making that statement the Foreign Ministry assured Iranians will live MUCH longer. ![]() C'MON Mahmoud, you can SIEG HEIL better than THAT!
Posted
3:01 AM
by Gene
Posted
2:56 AM
by Gene
Revenue at Google soared 96% during the September quarter with an EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization) margin of 43%. Quarterly sequential revenue, a telling metric, rose 14% and caught the street flat-footed. This is what Microsoft used to deliver--in 1986. You mean CODEWRITER can't do it again? (Pffh-hh-hh.) I've got a suggestion, Marty -- dump your MSFT and go G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE. Then watch it climb 20,000 TIMES, and THEN.... The problem with INVESTORS is they think they can WIN in HIGH-TECH.
Posted
2:47 AM
by Gene
It also appears He's selling a R film to minors, of which we're not the least surprised. (As you may have guessed from my post time, I'm having trouble sleeping.) P. S. ![]() A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO LARRY FINE! Friday, October 28, 2005
Posted
7:20 PM
by Gene
And a special award to the ESPNCORPNETWORKNEWS.COM functionary who typed in this dateline: Nov. 28, 2005 — Was this plug planned a little bit too far in advance?
Posted
7:11 PM
by Gene
Bone Fragments Found Near WTC Said Human P. S. Most politicians and religious leaders who have been vocal in the past have maintained a public silence over his performance. But in private many express worry. TRANSLATION: 1. They don't want to be executed; 2. They don't want to do the right thing. Six of one.....
Posted
6:32 PM
by Gene
End of story, except in Iran's nuke factories.
Posted
6:23 PM
by Gene
I'm surprised VIACON COMEDY NETWORK NEWS hasn't joined the showoffy-weatherman-in-a-hurricane crowd.
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
P. S. I cannot find a blasted thing about it online, ANYWHERE -- and you'd think the RENDELLIZERS would go NUTS as this IS PRRRRRRRRRIME REAL ESTATE. One possible negative for CONDOS: the first twelve floors on the east side would look out onto the Mausoleum's glass and brick, the first eleven floors on the north side would stare at a parking garage, the south side would face out to a new RENDELLMINIUM under construction, and I suspect the owners of the HISTORIC LANDMARK where I live would object because it would block THEIR view, and the MAUSOLEUM was built in no small measure to be framed by it. And if you want to imagine CONDOS with no views, take a trek to 15th and Locust, the Grand Canyon of Center City -- and anyone facing out on it is at the BOTTOM of it. P. P. S. Which isn't to say people aren't DOING something about our city's lack of supermarkets, hardy har har.
Posted
1:20 PM
by Gene
NEWS HACKS and BLOGGERS excepted.
Posted
11:55 AM
by Gene
G. B. isn't cool anymore. Actually, he's been a little less than lukewarm for quite some time.
Posted
11:32 AM
by Gene
Marketers have been encouraged to create spots specifically for the big screen instead of recycling TV ads. Wal-Mart, a new in-theater advertiser, plans a 60-second image spot in December to encourage holiday shopping. Sears also is planning its first theater ads, and other marketers will use the big screen to break ads before migrating them to other media.... It's still advertising, and it's still television.
Posted
8:53 AM
by Gene
It behooves bloggers to be outspoken. But it also behooves them to be careful. These two traits need not be mutually exclusive. (I will never comment on a private person, something it might behoove other bloggers to do.)
Posted
8:31 AM
by Gene
How about ending the evening news with a humor segment? [From JONNY HAIRSHIRT] Who needs a humor segment when the whole show's a PUNCHline? Bernstein: We're watching the implosion of a presidency BwahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Posted
8:24 AM
by Gene
Things have come to such a pass with NEWS HACKS that we suspect this not a crime but a PUBLICITY STUNT, exquisitely timed by PEOPLE WARNER and JKRCORP. Indeed we would not be surprised if the car turns up right under PEOPLE WARNER'S BIG FAT GREASY NOSE.
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Hey Jonah, the way you folks do it there are perils blogging any hour of the day.
Posted
6:54 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:41 AM
by Gene
The Assad family in Syria could be brought down if relatives are directly linked to the killing of Hariri. [From the home page] Thugs have killed enemies before and survived. What makes us doubtful here is who would take over from the Assads, as Syria's been a family business for decades.
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
Eight North Mecklenburg High School students were arrested, two Tasered, and the rest were sent home this morning after fights just outside a crowded cafeteria. And JERNALISM: CONTACT US: Did you take a photo during the fight at North Mecklenburg High this morning? If so, please email jarwood@charlotteobserver.com
Posted
5:29 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:05 PM
by Gene
Kate Baldwin and Graham Rowat, David Ogden Stiers (as the ex-general), Karen Morrow, Michael Gruber and Nadine Isenegger!!!!! And here's even MORE EXCITING NEWS: this MAMMOTH POTENTIAL HIT's being done in THREE SEPARATE PRODUCTIONS! AND.... The acting company for the triple franchise, directed by tireless Walter Bobbie and choreographed by Randy Skinner, is punctuated with tap dancers (Skinner was the tap wizard behind 42nd Street), newcomers who are getting principal billing for the first time: potent singer-actresses (Anastasia Barzee is Betty in L.A., Shannon O'Bryan is Judy in San Francisco, Meredith Patterson is Judy in L.A.); nimble comic song and dance men (including L.A.'s Jeffry Denman, once of The Producers, and San Francisco's Mark Ledbetter, who appeared in the 2004 premiere of Irving Berlin's White Christmas); and Tony Award nominees — Brian D'Arcy James (Sweet Smell of Success) is Bob in Los Angeles, Terry Beaver (The Last Night of Ballyhoo) is Gen. Waverly in Boston, Stephen Bogardus (Love! Valour! Compassion!) is Bob in Boston. All I can say is -- WOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! By the way, the film version starred only, oh, Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, Vera-Ellen and Dean Jagger. Still this has to be the most EXCITING casting since CHEYENNE JACKSON played, er, ELVIS in ALL SHOOK UP! P. S. I have just stumbled across Amazon.com's page for the faux-Elvis cast album, and DEAF doesn't begin to describe its fans; they're a cross of people who LOVED CATS and people who LOVED MAMMA MIA! and have two cents worth of TASTE among them; they don't know musicals and know Elvis only through SONY BMG's redundant repackagings, barnacles accreting barnacles, or more likely through commercials. We can guess what the creators (which shamefully included R&HCORP) had in mind by putting a ™ next to nine of the song titles. And they didn't know beans either, though they expelled much gas: "Teddy Bear™" and "Hound Dog™" as a MEDLEY? "Follow That Dream" as a BALLAD? This is the CD tombstone of the musical - and of ROCK 'N' ROLL.
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:10 PM
by Gene
...laughing all the way to the bank.
Posted
2:56 PM
by Gene
And I wouldn't be worried about the length, Plastic Man. Seeing how Kellogg's is in the movie biz these days just pass it on to them -- and to us CEREAL EATERS.
Posted
1:33 PM
by Gene
The outrageous statement prompted Imus to quip, "Unlike you, of course." She proceeded, tantalizingly, to flog unfounded allegations that Miller had a personal relationship with Scooter Libby, the source who told Miller about CIA operative Valerie Plame. Miller went to jail for 85 days to protect him. "I think it diminishes the problem with Judy and Scooter to say they were involved," she said. "They obviously — I don't think they were involved, and it's just because Judy has a history with powerful men some people say that about her, and I think that's pretty sexist . . . "It's not about the sex," she said finally. "It's about the bombs." The more I hear of this story the more I'd like to tell all concerned to go sulk in the nearest cave.
Posted
12:55 PM
by Gene
Like the NRA, THEY DID THEIR PART! And there's MORE where THAT came from!
Posted
10:39 AM
by Gene
But as DICKIE V says, that's how you make mone -- that's how you PRESERVE THE INTEGRITY of the GAME!
Posted
10:38 AM
by Gene
God doesn't know today's architects.
Posted
10:04 AM
by Gene
The answer, tragically, is no. Martha Bayles explains why: It was one thing when we had Marian Anderson and Satch on our side. Who do we have now? [C]RAPPERS? That League of Nations vote against cultural imperialism wasn't just a vote against the big mean ol' U. S. A. It was a vote against Hollywood "values," the worship of sleaze and fornication and death. What with the GENIUSES of OUR AGE cultural diplomacy would probably do more harm than good.
Posted
9:27 AM
by Gene
And ExxonMobil's MARKET CAP is only THREE-AND-A-HALF TIMES G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE'S!
Posted
9:16 AM
by Gene
PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:17 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:50 AM
by Gene
"Edgy" draws ad-blurbists' adjectives like flies. (Or given who writes them, we should say, it draws flies like flies.) It may not draw audiences. How many people watch VIACON COMEDY NETWORK NEWS's block? HBO has had trouble lately with its CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED programming. No, perhaps the problem is the networks haven't wanted to do anything good since long before FRED SILVERFISH -- SILVERMAN, and that's reason enough to avoid them. P. S. Which raises a further question: If this is (as many of the adjectivists say) a MEGA-PLATINUM AGE FOR TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!! why did the LALATIMES complain about all these copycat crime shows?
Posted
6:36 AM
by Gene
You have to wonder if people have any pride or dignity anymore, or if everything's a reality show.
Posted
6:30 AM
by Gene
It's DUBYA against the WORLD!
Posted
6:16 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:14 AM
by Gene
Why do I get the idea in the Windy City they're not that excited? Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Posted
5:41 PM
by Gene
![]() USA Today removed a digitally altered photo of Condoleezza Rice from its Web site Wednesday after several bloggers complained that it made the Secretary of State look demonic. ANOTHER IMMORTAL TRIUMPH FOR THE BLOGOSPHERE!
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
Baidu posted a third-quarter profit, but its shares plummeted 17% in late action Wednesday. The Beijing-based Internet search outfit made $1.1 million, or 3 cents a share. That's down 29% sequentially but nearly triple the year-ago level. Revenue rose 28% sequentially and 174% from a year ago to $11 million.... Baidu.com went public with a bang on Aug. 5. The stock has spent its public life above $70 after pricing at $27. It rocketing [SIC] as high as $153.98 on Aug. 6, riding two speculative themes: the growing interest among investors in Chinese Internet companies and the rapid growth in search-related advertising, led in the U.S. by Google and Yahoo!. Late Wednesday, Baidu slipped $14.05 to $67. Here's hoping.
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
This is perhaps the most revealing way to think about the country's endangered infrastructure: what would be needed to make it adequate is a Pentagon-size budget spent annually for the next five years. Obviously, nothing even remotely close is going to happen but if there ever was a case for governments, industries and academics coming together and developing a set of rational priorities this is it. There will never be enough money to fix everything and to erase the entire backlog and hence any rational, long-term program of effective investment should be guided by carefully defined priorities (designed, above all, to strengthen national security and to reduce user risks) rather than by dubious congressional deals and by competing, piecemeal interventions. The enormity of the problem calls for a grand strategy: I wish I could say that there will be no shortage of bold initiatives to bring it about. I guess DOW 36,000 realizes THE BLESSED MARKETPLACE won't help, but what WILL? When he hasn't a clue you can be sure he's clueless on lots of other things.
Posted
5:22 PM
by Gene
At $9 per hour, some Delphi workers would make $18,720 a year under the new proposal. That's more than $600 below the federal poverty line for a family of four, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. To be sure, the UAW deserves considerable credit for making the auto biz' mess. And I'm not sure someone should make $40 an hour assembling cars. But doesn't the tone-deaf clown who runs Delphi realize the number substandard wages are doing to WAL-MART's rep?
Posted
5:11 PM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: The Jimmah Carter Memorial Nobel Good Intentions Prize was a joke.
Posted
3:01 PM
by Gene
Surely he's made a BIG try.
Posted
2:30 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:16 PM
by Gene
Who'da thunk?
Posted
1:22 PM
by Gene
Why not just take the site free and be done with it?
Posted
11:36 AM
by Gene
Baseball's BACK -- and BETTER THAN EVER!
Posted
11:25 AM
by Gene
No no no no no no no no no NO you're NOT supposed to say THAT!
Posted
11:21 AM
by Gene
Williams, who co-founded Los Angeles' deadly Crips gang, was convicted in 1981 for the murders of four people.... [FOURTH GRAF.] A witnessed who received immunity from prosecution testified at trial that he, Williams and two other men took 120 dollars from the store's cash register before Williams shot the young man execution-style and mocked the gurgling sounds the victim made as he lay dying. [THIRD-TO-LAST GRAF.] BIAS? WHAT BIAS?
Posted
11:17 AM
by Gene
ConocoPhillips Profit Rises 89% to Record $3.8 Bln
Posted
11:04 AM
by Gene
An internal memo sent to Wal-Mart's board of directors proposes numerous ways to hold down spending on health care and other benefits while seeking to minimize damage to the retailer's reputation. Among the recommendations are hiring more part-time workers and discouraging unhealthy people from working at Wal-Mart.... To discourage unhealthy job applicants, Ms. Chambers suggests that Wal-Mart arrange for "all jobs to include some physical activity (e.g., all cashiers do some cart-gathering)." The memo acknowledged that Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, had to walk a fine line in restraining benefit costs because critics had attacked it for being stingy on wages and health coverage. Ms. Chambers acknowledged that 46 percent of the children of Wal-Mart's 1.33 million United States employees were uninsured or on Medicaid. JOOOOOOOOOOOOONAH!!!!! LARRY "GREED IS GOOD" KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!! Or to put it in Wal-Martese: On both of these issues – affordability and public assistance – it is important to note that our offering and performance are on par with other retailers; Wal-Mart’s critics, however, hold it to a “large company” standard, not a retailer standard. Despite the difference in industry economics, critics believe we should behave more like a GM or a Microsoft than a Target or a Sears. While critics have not yet harnessed all of these facts, they are successfully exploiting those they do have, suggesting that, when discovered, the others will also become effective ammunition. Hey Dorothy, you're not in RETAILING anymore.
Posted
10:52 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:42 AM
by Gene
Beats me.
Posted
10:31 AM
by Gene
I thought VIACON NETWORK NEWS already had one!
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:14 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
...The One-Minute Punditfvevvevqw
Posted
10:11 AM
by Gene
SNMECCW! (YEP, LARRY AND SERGEY ARE BACK TO THEIR MIND GAMES AGAIN.)
Posted
9:50 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:17 AM
by Gene
Hey John, you running for president?
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Glickman and Fithian also addressed the "consistent drumbeat" about consecutively declining weekend boxoffice, with Fithian noting that "this year will still be better than 30 out of the last 35 years." TRANSLATION: Last one off the Titanic's a rotten eeeeeeeeeeegg! Fithian mainly stressed the importance of quality in upcoming films, working with theater owners and staffers to rein in rude patrons and cell phone users, making sure that any onscreen ads "don't look or feel like TV" and the launching of a more aggressive PR campaign emphasizing the good value of a "complete" experience at the movies, relative to other communal experiences. To that end, he debuted a preview of a feature-length documentary tentatively titled "Now Showing: America Goes to the Movies," which will emphasize the history of moviegoing. GREAT IDEA, Jack -- especially if you juxtaposed old pictures of, say the Roxy in New York with its armies of ushers with the MODERN experience of sticky floors and postage-stamp screens. AND GREAT MOVIES!
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
A CINDY SHEEHAN THOUGHT [Kathryn Jean Lopez] From an e-mail: I understand from somewhere online that Cindy is planning on handcuffing herself to the fence at the White House. Instead of arresting her as she anticipates, what would happen if the White house Police just left her there handcuffed with the understanding that as long as she remained handcuffed she could stay. I understand the weather in Washington isn't all that nice this week. It would serve her right if she caught a nasty cold during her "protest" Posted at 06:05 PM Yeah, sure. If they did that there'd be all manner of "commentary" from the HACKS alleging inhumane treatment. Then Amnesty International would come in, and... NEWS HACKS CAN'T LOSE! Hey LARRY and SERGEY! Where are my CAPTCHAS?
Posted
6:51 AM
by Gene
Where were you during PAPA'S WAR, Tony? RDFNM?
Posted
6:43 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:21 AM
by Gene
OKNZXJRK!
Posted
6:15 AM
by Gene
Poll: Bush would lose an election if held this year And this is purely mischief. In between their many greedy consulting jobs these pollsters must know Dubya isn't eligible for a third term. But such a poll with a wink and a nod serves the purpose of hammering OUR side into the public, never mind the nail's already been driven clean to China and we're bruised from all that banging. YJPYHMDJ! Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Posted
7:06 PM
by Gene
Hey Carl Limburger, are you sure that should have run under a story regarding Al Franken's "latest hate-fest Bush-bashing book"? BVPVVUPU?
Posted
7:03 PM
by Gene
SEZ WHO? TYWOSU! (No Tywosu doesn't say anything.)
Posted
7:00 PM
by Gene
The Growth Stocks of the Decade SmartMoney.com Yahoo, eBay and Google are "the growth stocks of the decade," writes James B. Stewart. "Yahoo has an array of content offerings that has made it the envy of nearly every media company." He adds: "The Internet revolution is going to be a multiyear phenomenon that's still in its infancy." ...which is three links above: Media Habits May Lead to Over-Spending FoxReno.com Young people's increasing screen time -- Internet, television, cell phones -- impacts their spending habits, claims family finance expert Nathan Dungan. "Why else would Disney be introducing a cell phone for 6-year-olds? And the last time I checked, iPods weren't being sold at the dollar store." XGEOT!
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Journalists should think of readers as their friends. Because if we're not in this business to inform and help readers, we're not doing our jobs. That's a noble thought, but we're inclined to believe NEWS HACKS view us at best as Silly Putty, to be molded in their grimy hands, and at worst, as ENEMIES whose raging philistinism keeps them from pursuing THE TRUTH. The day a JERNALIST calls you his FRIEND is the day you find your pockets picked. RSDVQ!
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
BBC to compete with Al-Jazeera (home-page hed) The good news: The World Service says it will close 10 language services to fund the new station. BBC radio broadcasts in Bulgarian, Croatian, Czech, Greek, Hungarian, Kazakh, Polish, Slovak, Slovene and Thai will cease by March next year. Meaning many fewer listeners will have to endure the Beeb's fair, unbiased news. We were about to say "compete" is the wrong word but certainly they will compete -- for PROPAGANDA VIDEOS. SGGWWO!
Posted
4:56 PM
by Gene
Stern Pranks Call Announcing Replacements A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO LARRY! (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) And a XURQHZW!
Posted
3:43 PM
by Gene
Isn't having a joint venture with OSAMA enough?
Posted
3:15 PM
by Gene
Keep at it, Curl. You never know where THIS joint venture may lead you. YMHZDQHP!
Posted
2:59 PM
by Gene
San Diego airport's commuter terminal was evacuated on Tuesday after baggage screeners found what initially appeared to be bomb components but turned out to be a toy, security officials said. FKREF!
Posted
2:50 PM
by Gene
The seven-year-old stumped Robin Roberts. That may not be as a great an achievement as one may think. The RIGHT-WING MODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! calls the war in Iraq a "magnificent success," which should make the HACKS happy as it's PROOF OF FAILURE. BookStandard.com is getting to be a better source of comedy than PLAYBILL.com! RZTBD!
Posted
1:53 PM
by Gene
Actually I think she's behind some of these natural disasters myself. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Or rather, USGECA! Is that a trade association dominated by G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE?
Posted
1:47 PM
by Gene
DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! BREAK OUT THE BUBBLY, CRETINOUS HACKS! OEVGH! (Which, in G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLESPEAK, means OI VEY!)
Posted
1:24 PM
by Gene
Reporters' response to military: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! FQOZD!
Posted
1:03 PM
by Gene
I'm all for blogs and blogging. (I'm writing this, ain't I?) But I'm not blind to the limitations and the flaws of the blogosphere - its superficiality, its emphasis on opinion over reporting, its echolalia, its tendency to reinforce rather than challenge ideological extremism and segregation. Now, all the same criticisms can (and should) be hurled at segments of the mainstream media. And yet, at its best, the mainstream media is able to do things that are different from - and, yes, more important than - what bloggers can do. Those despised "people in a back room" can fund in-depth reporting and research. They can underwrite projects that can take months or years to reach fruition - or that may fail altogether. They can hire and pay talented people who would not be able to survive as sole proprietors on the Internet. They can employ editors and proofreaders and other unsung protectors of quality work. They can place, with equal weight, opposing ideologies on the same page. Forced to choose between reading blogs and subscribing to, say, the New York Times, the Financial Times, the Atlantic, and the Economist, I will choose the latter. I will take the professionals over the amateurs. You also mean professionalism like this? Martin Scorsese's classic mobster movie "Goodfellas" is the greatest film of all time, according to the experts at a British film magazine. The 1990 film, based on the exploits of real life gangster Henry Hill, which starred Ray Liotta, Robert de Niro and Joe Pesci who won an Academy Award for his performance was No. 1 in a "Total Film" magazine poll published Monday. "Goodfellas has it all story, dialogue, performances, technique," the magazine said. Or maybe professionalism like THIS: Madonna's new single, "Hung Up," will be featured next month on crossover episodes of CBS' "CSI: Miami" and "CSI: NY." The song will be heard during the beginning of "CSI: Miami" on Nov. 7 and two days later on "CSI: NY," the network said Monday. "Hung Up" is from her new album, "Confessions on a Dance Floor," set for release Nov. 15. Or maybe professionalism like Jayson's, or professionalism like our NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award winners', or professionalism like the late Paul Krugman's, or maybe professionalism like the rampant GUSH that will spew when MR. 2-0-0-0 comes along. But I don't want to be forced to make that choice. Neither do I, but forced to choose between amateurs and THESE professionals, I take the AMATEURS. TUBVZBU!
Posted
11:14 AM
by Gene
Can we top JERRY? With our STOCK PRICE we can! KGDXQ!
Posted
10:49 AM
by Gene
![]() NEWS FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SESAME STREET: A Turkish court has fined 20 people for using the letters Q and W on placards at a Kurdish new year celebration, under a law that bans use of characters not in the Turkish alphabet, rights campaigners said. I'm for J myself. PCGPVGOP! (Oh oh, is the CIA in MOUNTAIN VIEW turning REPUBLICAN???)
Posted
10:46 AM
by Gene
The critics are retired Lt. Gen. Brent Scowcroft, a longtime friend and former national security adviser of Bush's father, who attacks his targets in a profile by Jeffrey Goldberg in the latest issue of The New Yorker, and retired Col. Lawrence Wilkerson, another admirer of Bush Sr. and Colin Powell's former chief of staff, who launched his artillery in an Oct. 19 speech at the New America Foundation. Just these two names conjure the sound of tongues licking boots. ROVJZFL!
Posted
10:27 AM
by Gene
CREATE THE SOVIET UNION OF HIGH-TECH! IAGMJ!
Posted
10:16 AM
by Gene
Electoral Commission officials told a news conference 78 percent of voters backed the charter and 21 percent opposed it. Well NEWS HACKS, celebrating HALF-A-LOAF (THE BIG 2-0-0-0!) is better than NONE. MLGKC!
Posted
8:18 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:08 AM
by Gene
GKGQSC! Yep, CAPTCHA's back on, having been mercifully off this morning. Another 10 points for G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE!
Posted
6:54 AM
by Gene
![]() Okay Ahmed, you got the video? GREAT. Just so long as none of US got killed. Next time though could you have the guys give you, like, more advance warning?
Posted
6:47 AM
by Gene
It's lockstep scribbling like this that transforms the Rosa Parks story into something worthy of STATE MEDIA.
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Never let it be said that these Islamists are savages, because we must never forget that one man's savage is another man's "freedom fighter." Hey! You just uttered REUTERS's motto!
Posted
6:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:19 AM
by Gene
Monday, October 24, 2005
Posted
6:53 PM
by Gene
Many may be boring, and more may be asinine, but they AREN'T splogs (at least as I understand the term), which means G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE will use it as a BENCHMARK.
Posted
5:40 PM
by Gene
I think we’re still in a muddle with our language, because once you get words and a spoken language it gets harder to communicate. Chimps are very quick to have a sudden fight or aggressive episode, but they’re equally as good at reconciliation. They make an appeasing gesture--reaching out a hand, crouching, giving little cries of fear or sadness. Then, very often, the aggressor will reach out and pat or reassure--offer an embrace or something like that--and the victim relaxes, and it is over. When humans get these sudden outbursts of anger, we add words to the mix. And as you’ve probably experienced, it is much harder to forget a word than it is a slap. Words can be said in bitterness and anger, and often there seems to be an element of truth in the nastiness. And words don’t go away, they just echo around. So even if you can make up, the words come back. Even words like "twfee"?
Posted
5:30 PM
by Gene
KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS!
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
Word verification is obsolete. Programs have been written that can successfully decode capchas most of the time. It turns out not to be too hard to modify OCR programs to do this. Word verification can be outsourced to third world countries at low cost. Most cleverly, word verification can outsourced to users of your porno sites, who have to type in soneone else's capcha [SIC] to get free pictures. All these approaches are in active use. And we must confess we agree with this: The trick is to figure out which are "splogs" and which are "real" blogs, because both are usually crap. And something else: if pornsters and other spammers can goose G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,GLE, why not "legitimate" advertisers? How much of Google's gold-dollars-from-heaven wealth comes from schemes that may not exactly be -- KOSHER? P. S. I wouldn't object so much to G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE's @#$%&* WORD VERIFICATION if EVERYBODY had to do it.
Posted
4:59 PM
by Gene
Tkwpyrr!
Posted
3:39 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:22 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:19 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:15 PM
by Gene
And this is precisely why we will always be afflicted with ENRONS, wlthsyb.
Posted
11:46 AM
by Gene
I think Dubya has almost as non-existent a sense of humor as THE CIA OF MOUNTAIN VIEW, nbhpq.
Posted
11:36 AM
by Gene
Okay, what's wrong with THIS one?
Posted
11:01 AM
by Gene
CURRENT MARKET CAP: $103 BILLION TOTAL EMPLOYEES AS OF JUNE 30, 2005: 4,183 TOTAL MARKET CAP PER EMPLOYEE: $24,623,476
Posted
10:45 AM
by Gene
The CRETINS OF MOUNTAIN VIEW have discovered THE FINANCIAL FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!
Posted
10:44 AM
by Gene
WHY?
Posted
9:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:17 AM
by Gene
Currently, the time employees spend reading non-work blogs is the quivalent of 2.3 million jobs. About 35 million workers -- one in four people in the labor force -- visit blogs and on average spend 3.5 hours, or 9%, of the work week engaged with them, according to Advertising Age’s analysis. Time spent in the office on non-work blogs this year will take up the equivalent of 2.3 million jobs. Forget lunch breaks -- bloggers essentially take a daily 40-minute blog break. Either a lot of people waste a lot of time with blogs, or somebody wasted a lot time coming up with numbers saying a lot of people waste a lot of time with blogs. Who's right?
Posted
8:29 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:47 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:42 AM
by Gene
The snow hasn't melted in Syria in DECADES.
Posted
6:34 AM
by Gene
1. Penn, Teller and David Copperfield -- why don't you ALL make yourselves disappear? (But don't make anyone pregnant doing it, please.) 2. ELVIS, you wasted all that bootlicking just so you could be AWOL from a job making CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED junk movies? Where's the PAUL ATTANASIO in you? Another TIMESREJECT.
Posted
6:26 AM
by Gene
IT'S TIME TO PUT MORE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS OUT OF BUSINESS!
Posted
6:21 AM
by Gene
Yes. PRESS AGENTS.
Posted
6:16 AM
by Gene
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Posted
5:28 PM
by Gene
Experts think the country's increasingly regional-oriented politics will fuel the insurgency and even spread it further inside Iraq. Others put forward a simple, disquieting scenario: So long as U.S. and other foreign troops remain in Iraq, the insurgency will continue. Do the hacks put words like "grim" and "disquieting" in their typing because they mean them, or because they're expected to? It's almost as if they're engaged in the written equivalent of bad acting. In truth there will be quiet (but outwardly noisy) celebrations in the luxury news suites when we hit the 2-0-0-0; it doesn't do the hacks any good to pretend they're disquieted by the news, as an Iraqi loss means in their highly cosseted way of thinking a DEMOCRATIC -- and NEWS HACK -- WIN. But think the last time the NEWS HACKS WON BIG. When they win, THE PUBLIC LOSES.
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Fine. So why did you boast your $10,000 investment in some clunky (and highly-patented) algorithms will be worth $40 MILLION? Speaking of algorithms, Jason's CAPTCHAs seem to have vanished for now. I'm not holding my breath they won't return. Where do all these geeks get the idea they're SMART?
Posted
4:30 PM
by Gene
Rather than attack the white wires, how about trying to put some real music back into city daylife? More looking each other in the eye, more conversations with strangers, more humane streets and transport systems, better jobs to go to. Streets shouldn't wear us out: they should enliven us and put a spring in our step. People will take off their pods when there's something worth listening to. Why do people bother writing things like this? It's like saying you're opposed to mom, apple pie and the flag. People want to seal themselves up in their little holes, with the Web connections and their iPods, and when they're sealed they tend to stay sealed.
Posted
2:39 PM
by Gene
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO MIKE CIDONI! Why stop at 25 years indeed? THE AP's been SPINNING AND SELLING THE NEWS SINCE 1848!
Posted
2:15 PM
by Gene
JACKASS.
Posted
1:08 PM
by Gene
"If you held the vote today, she would not get a majority either in the Judiciary Committee or the floor," said Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York. On the 18-member GOP-controlled committee, "there are one or two who said they'd support her as of now." Next time, Dub, have PRESIDENT ROVE choose!
Posted
12:55 PM
by Gene
And the REUT commits some cleverness with numbers: In the limited-release world, the best performer was "Shopgirl," a romance starring Claire Danes and Steve Martin. The Walt Disney Co. release earned $29,500 from just eight theaters in New York, Los Angeles and Toronto; it will be in 20 additional markets by November 4. In the world of the REUT, where TERRORISTS are FREEDOM FIGHTERS, we must now presume that PER-SCREEN AVERAGES are TOTAL EARNINGS. Maybe this is just somebody's itchy trigger fingers itching too much, but how can we trust any NEWS HACK on any ENTERTAINMENT NUMBER CRUNCHING?
Posted
12:03 PM
by Gene
![]() Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my name is Dr. Hugh Cort III and I'm running for president, duhhhhhhhhhhhhh. AMEND THE CONSTITUTION! DUBYA FOR A THIRD TERM! Thanks for the ad in WashingtonTimes.com! We'd NEVER have heard of you!
Posted
11:15 AM
by Gene
As Howard Stern has geared up for his January arrival at Sirius Satellite Radio, so have efforts to woo advertisers to his show. One published report [probably in THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --ED.] has Sirius charging $20,000 for a live read by Stern, the same price he currently commands for his terrestrial radio show that attracts 7 million listeners a week. Just ONE PROBLEM: However, if every Sirius subscriber tunes to Stern in January, he'll have less than half that many listeners. And there's ANOTHER PROBLEM: [Some hedge fund manager named Cody] Willard said sat radio, with its 7.2-million user reach, already has got the attention of advertisers but predicted that the ad money won't start flowing in earnest for another three years or so. By then, though, the demographic of Sirius and XM's listeners might not be quite as appealing to certain advertisers. "Currently, sat radio's primary subscriber base is very high net worth, young, early-adopting consumers and businesses," he said. "That will change as it becomes increasingly mainstream." In other words, it'll be JUST LIKE CHEAP CHANNEL.
Posted
10:57 AM
by Gene
And how to know a man may be up to something: Four out of five shows fail to recover costs, according to Mr. Bernstein. When an industry makes money hand over fist its chief lobbyist ALWAYS pleads POVERTY. Although we will say given some of this industry's masterworks we ALMOST believe him.
Posted
9:24 AM
by Gene
Saudi Oil Income to Reach $163 Bln; Most in 22 Years That's a lot of MARTYRDOM OPERATIONS to finance.
Posted
9:15 AM
by Gene
We were hoping when we saw this it might be a FRIEND OF THE PEOPLE like BUGMEISTER BILL, or MIKE "FORE!" DELL. Unfortunately, it's only Unisys, a company that's near going broke anyway. We wonder when G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE will start taking advantage of THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER. P. S. THE IDIOTS AT MOUNTAIN VIEW HAVE PUT WORD VERIFICATION BACK FOR MY POSTS. They must be thinking, if we got to $340 doing THAT....
Posted
9:11 AM
by Gene
So where are all those iPods going? The GOOD news: "Weekly digital-downloads have not increased rapidly throughout 2005," wrote Greenfield, who questioned whether the current rate of digital sales growth will be enough to offset music's still-declining physical sales. EXCELLENT! Anything that'll do in the RECORDED...SOUND BIZ! We may wonder too how enthusiastic the turni -- PUBLIC will be toward schemes like VOD.
Posted
9:03 AM
by Gene
Study Refutes Soft Drinks' Impact on Kids' Obesity SIXTH GRAF: The study appeared in the October issue of Risk Analysis, and was funded by the American Beverage Association. Thanks a LOT, guys!
Posted
9:00 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:56 AM
by Gene
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