Posted 11:28 PM by Gene

JonBoy's Greatest Masterwork: The three powerful women who appear on the cover of our edition of Zeitgeist must have given birth to the three cute little babies who appear in each of the international editions! Way to go, JonBoy!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Another big sur-PRISE from government:

[A] New York Times examination of lottery documents, as well as interviews with lottery administrators and analysts, finds that lotteries accounted for less than 1 percent to 5 percent of the total revenue for K-12 education last year in the states that use this money for schools.

In reality, most of the money raised by lotteries is used simply to sustain the games themselves, including marketing, prizes and vendor commissions. And as lotteries compete for a small number of core players and try to persuade occasional customers to play more, nearly every state has increased, or is considering increasing, the size of its prizes — further shrinking the percentage of each dollar going to education and other programs.

In some states, lottery dollars have merely replaced money for education. Also, states eager for more players are introducing games that emphasize instant gratification and more potentially addictive forms of gambling.

Posted 4:17 PM by Gene

An article like this, and a phenomenon like this, however limited, are plaintive cries that we are tired of the knee-jerk lockstep KLUMPH! KLUMPH! of the left, and we are tired of the knee-jerk lockstep KLUMPH! KLUMPH! of the right, but the Nine Fingers being such finely tuned instruments of partisan politics, and what passes for our intellectual community being in the thrall of screaming infants of both persuasions, we can only sigh and grumble.

Posted 1:16 PM by Gene

Once upon a time this famed Saul Steinberg cartoon was a mere whimsical joke; but thirty-one years of MEDIA later we alas see it as an accurate expression of their superiority and contempt. So when the TV ad-blurbist of The New Yorker (yes, The New Yorker) writes about...Texas (cue Eustace Tilley's monocle), somehow we can't help thinking of this "map", and that maybe the rag with The Greatest Editor of All Time should not discuss topics east, west, north, or south of Manhattan.

Sorry for the big magazine covers today, but these are two classics, in two different ways.

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

When a story like this comes along we roll our eyes because media in their default mode laugh at all attempts to bring modesty and virtue among the young, and have a patented invincible way of undoing them with their HIP obsessions, who are usually glorified bedhoppers and retards. That said, it might not hurt young females if they didn't show their belly buttons -- too much.

Posted 11:21 AM by Gene

Hmmm -- could it be even the MOVIE S&M PHREAKS are tiring of that critically-acclaimed SWEET RAUNCH? (And even the hacks didn't like it. Are the ad-blurbists tiring of their confinement in Cultural Stockholm? Naaaaaaaaaaaaah.)

Down 41% from the Friday a year ago! GOOD!

Posted 11:17 AM by Gene

World rallies for Burma protests as junta holds monks

The junta also holds vast oil and gas reserves. How can right ever triumph in such a circumstance?

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

You wanted to believe her. She made you believe. She was good like that. Marion Jones, TIME cover girl....

"You" wanted to believe her? You TWXSTERS and your cohorts in the typing biz wanted to believe her, so you could make her rich, so you could continue to swagger all over the land as cultural kingmakers, so you could pursue your never-ending quest to inflict us with the best buncombe, the most larcenous lies. And you succeeded again. But thanks to stunts like this such carefully choreographed bludgeonings may not work as well anymore.

Nor, we may add, do you grant any favors to the human wreckage you leave behind.

"The Firestone Blowout"? How about the AOL PEOPLE WARNER blowout?

Posted 10:36 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Shucks, here we hacks were on the verge of laying a big My Lai guilt trip on some soldiers to bring an UNJUST AND IGNOBLE WAR to a close, and the @#$%&* BRASS ASSES of the -- MILITARY screw up the case in their own @#$%&* way, and -- DAMMIT, the war CONTINUES.

Yes, who wants massacres? But who wants the holy cockroaches running Iraq?

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

No evil at G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE -- and no gray-haired old FUDDY-DUDDIES, either.

When does the the Miracle of Mountain View inspire exactly the same intense hatred of the wizards in Redmond?

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

I think sometimes the parts win Oscars.

Not the ac-TORS?

P. S. When will PAUL DRECK win the Os-CAR® for BEST INESCAPABLE SOUND BITES BY A HALF-WIT?

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

Did anyone have any, uh, doubts when she showed off those huge shoulder muscles and biceps? Or was she going to set records running on her hands?

THE O-LYM-PIC I-DEAL died a long time ago. This is just the last shovel of dirt on its grave.

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

Der Homeland starts an e-mail party!

(Via Information Week)

Posted 10:35 AM by Gene

If LImbaugh [SIC!!!!!] is the Kettle, Democrats Are the Pot

Does the idiot Jo-NAH realize what he's saying? Does he not know what that old adage MEANS? Of course not or he wouldn't be a celebrity pundit. He's admitted both sides can go to hell. Natch this isn't what he means. He means only someone like WHINY REID can go to hell. But after hearing PILLHEAD, and after hearing WHINY REID, we're pretty well decided where they can go -- and Jo-NAH can join them.

Oh and thanks TownHall.com for formatting this as ONE GRAF -- which aptly signifies what cracked black pottery this is.

P. S. at 1:30 p.m. TownHall has since fixed the hed and the formatting, goshdarnit.

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

UNITED NATIONS (AP) -- Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon says the use of force against peaceful demonstrators in Myanmar is "abhorrent and unacceptable."

Thank you for the STRONG CONDEMNATION, Mr. Secretary!

Posted 9:56 AM by Gene

Looks like Pinch isn't the only media tyrant to face angry hordes over voting rights!

Are two classes of shares okay when the owner is a "con-SER-va-tive"?

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 9:50 AM by Gene

HERE AH COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

TRANSLATION: Slick will never stop apologizing.

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

A society dominated by digital interruption, by the urgent, has the potential to be less polite, less focused, less productive, less safe, and arguably less intellectual.

NUF SAID.

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Corporate America spends zillions on misleading advertising that delivers short-term gain and a long-term loss in reputation.

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

Geeks -- gougers?

Heaven forfend!

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

In another development in PILLHEAD's never ending stunt Sen. Overcomb's wife says if the PILL had a disability that kept him out of 'Nam it should keep him out of his chair in the studio!!!!!!!!!!

We've said it once, we've said it a thousand times: this sort of thing is all about gluing our opponents' mouths shut. If the PILL were liberal and his opponents were conservative this would play out exactly the same way.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Yes, it would be nice for parents to buy American toys again, but we so gutted our manufacturing in the name of low prices and appeasing Wall Street that now we're stuck with blocks and puzzles. No wonder people are making vague noises about protectionism.

Posted 8:14 AM by Gene

Police brutality comes to the airport.

PC came first.

Posted 6:51 PM by Gene

Now the culture has given women another reason to be ashamed: they don't so look so good (allegedly) after bearing children.

Any culture that places sex first and looks second will inspire more than its share of nervous breakdowns.

Posted 6:47 PM by Gene

There is no joy in Ripland;
Mighty file-sharing has struck out.

Posted 6:01 PM by Gene

JFK Lincoln speaks with two left feet:

In a television interview on Wednesday, Mr. Obama was asked why he wasn’t wearing an American flag on his suit. “Is this a fashion statement? Those have been on politicians since Sept. 12, 2001.” a reporter for KCRG-TV in Cedar Rapids said.

“The truth is that right after 9/11 I had a pin,” Mr. Obama replied. “Shortly after 9/11, particularly because as we’re talking about the Iraq war, that became a substitute for, I think, true patriotism, which is speaking out on issues that are of importance to our national security.

“I decided I won’t wear that pin on my chest,” he added. “Instead I’m gonna’ [SIC] try to tell the American people what I believe what will make this country great and hopefully that will be a testimony to my patriotism.”

No no no no no Jack, all you'd have to do is consult my definitions of patriotism. You're a liberal. Nuf said.

Posted 5:53 PM by Gene

Until now, Ms Whitman has not faced serious public criticism. The press, The Economist included, has churned out many an unquestioning paean to her, he wrote with a grimace. [Last five words added]

Indeed. How apt then that The Econowiz has just written a paean to "mobile advertising":

Tying ads to online searches from mobile phones is another potential goldmine. A subscriber typing in "pizza" for instance, could receive ads for nearby pizza parlours along with his generic search results. Such a customer, mobile operators hope, is likely to be more grateful than annoyed by the intrusion. What could be more relevant than that?

Among other things, newsmen who stopped putting their skepticism out with the garbage.

Posted 2:55 PM by Gene

Why does Texas need downtowns? Wasn't the whole point of the Southwest to avoid them in the first place?

Posted 2:36 PM by Gene

Evidently Gen. Pinochet's esteem for free enterprise was a family affair.

I want to hear one more word from a con-SER-va-tive touting his greatness.

Posted 2:04 PM by Gene

GULP:

On the other hand, many of San Francisco's politicians, like Supervisors Chris Daly and Gerardo Sandoval, make a point of taking anti-military positions.

And their views are the ones that make the airwaves and the Internet.

So -- I guess it's not just a matter of "perceptions" and CONSERVATIVES.

By the way HEARSTCORP, what gives us this perception that WILLIAM RANDOLPH'S BARONY stands for nothing but MAKING MONEY?

Posted 11:29 AM by Gene

Here's something to get conservatives mad: G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE won't celebrate Memorial Day but it will celebrate SPUTNIK's launch. Of course the Dalai Lamas in Mountain View can always say, "We're an international company."

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

I'm not sure I'd be scared if Belly Kisser tried reviving the Cold War alone. I'd be scared if he enlisted the Chinese. The Muslims of Europe would recruit themselves de facto. And let us not forget the emerging tin-pot dictators of Latin America. Yes, it does not hurt to consider "the worst-case scenarios."

Posted 9:28 AM by Gene

You mean white men still vote?

Posted 9:14 AM by Gene

Iran 'arming Taliban with roadside bombs'

Are WE surprised!

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Now that housing's busted there's nothing left to revive our cities.

Way to go RENDELLS!

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Roll your eyes: Drunken Slob's hundreds of press agents have convinced the Big V he'll be back "early next year."

Presumably along with the louts Jeff "Mensa Man" Greenfield, Howie Hairshirt and every biased self-important millionaire at some newsrag as yet to be determined.

Why not Anonymous? He'd be the perfect foil -- and he'd develop thousands of excuses.

Posted 8:29 AM by Gene

RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE, MUTINY MUTINY MUTINY:

Open Letter to Fred Thompson

Streetcar Line

Where's the conservative fire in the belly we were led to expect?

Quin Hillyer, 10/4/2007 12:08:02 AM

Maybe he threw out his lighter in Hollywood.

Although he is capable of getting annoyed at Rev. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!, who might annoy us too, if we were running for president.

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

Shucks, the great Pete Domenici, Gerald Ford with 'tude, is leaving the Senate.

The Republicans are retiring like flies.

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Ron Paul is the Congressman Kook of the right -- with CASH.

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

A toughie, to be sure.

The guy at the bottom far right is the energy secretary, who is Dubya's answer to Alexander P. Throttlebottom. We think bottom row second from the left is the fellow the idiot SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS were all screaming GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!!!!! at when he was appointed as Commerce secretary, and he's given the store away since very stealthily, no doubt. Third from left on the bottom is the EHDYUKAYSHUN SEHKRETEHREE, who must have an office in a closet. The rest we doubt even Dubya knows. Top row third from the right he's probably addressed as MR. MAYOR.

I got two out of three right. MAHDAMM SEHKRETEHREE is on the top row. The rest of my comment still stands.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

I wouldn't guess whether this story reflects on South Africa's dysfunctionality, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Posted 2:10 PM by Gene

The next time the egghead scientists tell us they are absolutely SURE about global warming, or the egghead doctors tell us they are absolutely SURE of the latest treatments for diseases, we may want to remember this story.

Posted 2:01 PM by Gene

Oh, goody: The Paper of Re-CORD Rag is about to inflict upon us a press release to end all press releases, about a movie based on the hacks' Beethoven, which of course will be utterly incomprehensible to the RUBES, but which also allows our noble defenders of truth and justice a vacation, meaning they can intellectually play with themselves for awhile, as if they don't already.

Posted 12:06 PM by Gene

How brilliant is Branson East and its collection of tourist traps? If Ben is to be believed, it can no longer parody itself!

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

Who says voters are rational?

Caveat: This is from a spokesmouth for "Liar Liar Brock's on Fire."

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

Shucks, even making TAXI DRI -- your biggest box office success in four decades is no guarantee.

Ain't it a pain, St. Martin?

Posted 9:38 AM by Gene

What are the chances we'd get another southern governor for President?

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

We have no reason to take a David Obey tantrum seriously, even -- or especially -- when it involves money, and especially when the Democrats can't legislate their way out of a hole in the ground.

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

In the continuing ratings spike for PILLHEAD, yesterday He harrumphed if WHINY REID was a man he'd come onto His show. Of course the PILL wasn't being serious; He was only establishing His above-the-muck qualifications to His hard core while wallowing in it. And of course WHINY REID wouldn't accept; he's too busy playing to the peanut gallery from somewhere among the shells.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

Great: The Democrats want to create a federal czarship to bail out the Jack Valenti of Mortgages.

Aggressive leadership!

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

Robert Rubin spoke to the New Wizard of Oz!

Is the Clinton Co-Presidency already in place?

Posted 9:05 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: When people have been bombarded with advertising for decades and have learned not to trust it, its sugar daddies, its media or the products it pushes, yes, cocaine may not be as sexy anymore.

Why must these finger calisthenics experts do such exercises?

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

COPOUT OF THE WEEK: The TWXSTERS find a SURVEY (or rather, another book to sell) that SAYS more people can't stand Christianity. "There really is no option but to address the crisis", says our intrepid reporter. How to address it? Ah, of course he doesn't say. We can guess -- by being NONJUDGMENTAL and not taking these OLD-FOGY STANDS on ABORTION, GAY RIGHTS, blahblahblah. In short, by becoming the Unitarian Universalist Social Club. Sounds about right. Meantime the religion whose name news hacks dare not speak manages to be kindly and gently coming to domination in Europe and elsewhere, largely by not giving a damn what people think of it.

And if we're to judge from the Publishers Weekly squib this book may be a little more complicated than that.

Posted 8:26 AM by Gene

"WE HAVE NUMBERS TODAY THAT NOBODY COULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT, INCLUDING ME!!" Selig says. "OUR ATTENDANCE!! OUR LOCAL TV RATINGS!!! OUR NATIONAL RATINGS!!!! THE AMOUNT OF INTEREST IS LEGENDARY!!!!! THIS BUSINESS IS HITTING ON ALL CYLINDERS!!!!!!!!!!" [Legendary overemphasis added]

When USAOKAY!!!!! sells something, look out for your wallet. It is hard to believe there isn't a proverbial fly in the ointment somewhere -- the fact that, for all its LEGENDARY success, baseball has become a regional sport, like hockey, only with money; the fact that most of the playoff games will be only on cable, which the press agents will insist is no drawback; the fact that, through this LEGENDARY season, only BARRY* could elicit any national interest, and that of a distinctively negative kind (and his home run* chase* didn't even draw an audience). No, when USAOKAY!!!!! uses 1,969 WORDS (including stats and sidebar) to SELL something, look out for your wallet -- and your checking and savings accounts, your stocks, bonds, your money-market funds, and your real estate.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to NIGHTY NIGHTENGALE!

(Corrected 10/4 at 9:20 a.m. to reflect all the LEGENDARY playoff games running on cable.)

Posted 6:17 PM by Gene

Q is a sexy, cool letter. It's much better than an L or an A, which are tough to brand. Q is an easy, great letter we can own 24/7.

QVC is becoming HIP!!!!! thanks to a chief marketing officer whose name rhymes with BLARNEY.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Another profitable niche for eBay sellers: recalled goods!

What will they think of next?

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

You might think a man worth at least $5 billion would hardly notice if $400,000 or so went missing.

We might think Honorary Mayor Mike would be white-hot angry for days, as he was towards pregnant women.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

Perfesser Stern thinks Justice Thomas is guilty, and he also thinks Nukeman deserved the benefit of the doubt.

Old perfessers never die, they just become older perfessers.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

The League of Nations officially surrenders.

Tyranny is safe in Myanmar.

Posted 3:54 PM by Gene

There's much more likely to be said about all this, we trust.

THE LESS THE BETTER.

Posted 3:40 PM by Gene

In other Branson East news, Mr. Spamalot is directing a revival of The Country Girl "starring Morgan Freeman, Frances McDormand and Peter Gallagher."

The 1954 film version starred only, oh, "Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly and William Holden."

MORE AUDIOANIMATRONICS!

Posted 3:28 PM by Gene

Not "tweens", Paper of Re-CORD -- twee.

Posted 3:17 PM by Gene

Police: 123 parking meters found in Cambridge apartment

Maybe the guy was lonely.

Posted 2:42 PM by Gene

Now Wiz says "we're not out of the woods yet."

WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND?!?!?

Posted 1:23 PM by Gene

In a meeting between "Nobel" Jimmah and "Nobel" Tutu, who is the more self-righteous?

They should have a contest. The winner gets all the Nobel prize money.

Assuming any's left.

Posted 1:12 PM by Gene

I have an idea for permanent prosperity: Put the Wizard of Oz into a cryonic chamber! Then when the economy threatens a recession, unfreeze the Wiz so he can say, "The crisis is over!" And when the Wiz says a crisis is over -- it's over!

Right, Wiz? That's what they paid you the big bucks for.

Posted 11:59 AM by Gene

It's official: Britney Spears is Hollywood's worst mother - ever.

Worse than Joan Crawford?

Posted 11:35 AM by Gene

The good news: NFL ratings are down. The bad news: they're supposedly up among YOUNG MALES, meaning still more excuses for the CEOs to lounge in the luxury boxes.

Posted 6:57 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Having acted as The Lord God Steve's PR agency and doormat, news hacks have to pretend they aren't.

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

“They were not doing what they were supposed to!!!!!” [Overemphasis added]

Take the money and scorn the giver -- they were doing precisely what Congresspoops are supposed to.

Posted 9:00 PM by Gene

POSSIBLE TRANSLATION: MS. TRAVERS dictated this to a staffer of Congressman Huckleberry Hound of YouTube, who then belched on the House floor, and got laughed at.

Come to think of it, no; he doesn't have the guts to be laughed at, just enough guts to be another Congressional joke.

Posted 6:23 PM by Gene

A scene we would like to see from the audience for a Rudy speech:

Rrrrrrrrrrrrring! Mr. Mayor, it's your wife. She's asking you to shut up.

When does a crowd answer the phone for him by yelling in unison, "IT'S YOUR WIFE, RUDY!"?

And when do the crowds add, "SHE WANTS A DIVORCE!"?

Caveat: this IS John Fund, who knows a little about wanting privacy himself.

(Via Spectator.org)

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

Here’s a suggestion to every Internet executive: take a Post-It note, write “EBay wasted $3 billion on Skype” and stick it to your monitor. Stare at it the next time some hot social whatever-2.0 company comes by and talks about growing fast and finding a revenue model later.

Perhaps all these BigMedia "blogs" are starting to prove useful after all.

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Ooooooooops:

A two-year study released last year by the University of California at Los Angeles concluded that special effects explosions, idling vehicles and diesel generators make the film and television production second only to the oil industry in terms of polluting emissions.

But how many industries can say they engage in more than one kind of pollution?

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

The Great Dentist's Drill of Stale.com sez:

Word that describes what those who saw Rupert Murdoch on his WSJ visits noticed about him: "Frail."

Yeah. Frail like a bull moose.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

In other words of...wisdom from Wall Street:

Peter Westin, a Russia-based analyst at JP Morgan, said that the news was positive since "Putin stands for stability and security."

Hey Pete, by that standard Cuba's pretty stable too.

"Furthermore, it would ensure political continuity without breaking the constitution," Westin said in a research note.

That's true Pete; and remember, the Soviets did have a constitution, and they had lots of continuity too.

"And with Putin having an 80% approval rating in Russia it would also probably be welcomed by the population."

And if eighty percent of the people like authoritarian rule, Pete, who can blame 'em?

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

"One thing the market can't stand is the unknown; today we know some of the damage - that gives us some solace that perhaps we can move on," said Art Hogan, chief market strategist at Jefferies & Co.

To more damage?

Art is one of the PAUL DRECKS of Wall Street. He had Red-Light Syndrome before FNN started. Heck as a baby the first time he saw a red light on a street corner he zoomed to it and yelled, "The bull market hasn't begun yet."

Posted 1:43 PM by Gene

Putin Says He Will Be President for Life

Oh, that's NOT what it said. It said:

Putin Says He Will Run for Parliament

Sure, Belly Kisser, sure.

Posted 11:39 AM by Gene

Oh, no! Jack Germond's writing a novel too!

They hadn't written fiction before?

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

Officer: US military needs to get over its fear of the media

US media need to get over their loathing of the military.

"The attitude is, 'What good can possibly come out of a media interview?'"

You said it, general.

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

The NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE of the left screams and cries. Little David Horowitz screams and cries. The one likes to call people Islamophobes. The other likes gruesome pictures. Both should be confined to the sandbox.

Why did Al Gore have to invent the Web?

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

Biased reporting aside, you do have to wonder if George's ad stunt was that brilliant after all.

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

Now Branson East does oldies acts -- for real!

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

Good news:

Citigroup Inc said Monday it expects third-quarter profit to fall 60% from last year after huge write-downs for unsold debt it issued to finance corporate takeovers and big losses on the value of subprime mortgage-backed securities.

I guess today will be a HAP-PY day on Wall Street!

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

Belo Corp. says it will spin off its newspaper division to create separate newspaper and television station companies.

ABANDON SHIP!

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Today King Richard must be ready to hug Josh "ER" Tyrangiel:

Roughly 12,000 albums are released in an average year, so the announcement late Sunday night that the new Radiohead record, In Rainbows, will be out Oct. 10 is not itself big news. Sure, Radiohead is on a sustained run as the most interesting and innovative band in rock, but what makes In Rainbows important — easily the most important release in the recent history of the music business — are its record label and its retail price: there is none, and there is none.

In Rainbows will be released as a digital download available only via the band's web site, Radiohead.com. There's no label or distribution partner to cut into the band's profits — but then there may not be any profits. Drop In Rainbows' 15 songs into the on-line checkout basket and a question mark pops up where the price would normally be. Click it, and the prompt "It's Up To You" appears. Click again and it refreshes with the words "It's Really Up To You" — and really, it is. It's the first major album whose price is determined by what individual consumers want to pay for it. And it's perfectly acceptable to pay nothing at all.

Okay Radio, if that's what you want....

God knows it's probably what they deserve.

Posted 8:36 AM by Gene

Lenny "I Don't Vote But I Can Still Elect Senators" Downie has written -- a NOVEL:

He’s been working on it for at least two years. The plot is about journalists and politicians. He’s ready to publish.

But then Howie Hairshirt threatened us with SATIRE. Unfortunately, he isn't EXECUTIVE EDITOR.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Social conservatives like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! Dobson want Hillary for president!

Posted 8:26 AM by Gene

The Pimple on the Elephant's Behind is starting to ITCH!

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

Night of nonstop gunfire leaves 3 dead, 2 critical

There had been no arrests as of yesterday. [Last graf]

Let me guess: NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9:39 PM by Gene

Today saw the Atlanta Braves' last game of the season -- and also, very sadly, the last Braves broadcast on TBS. We followed them regularly during their height in the nineties, and no announcing team had more attitude -- in the good sense -- than Skip, Don, Pete and Chip. Of course with SELIGISM slowly becoming a second-tier sport and the TWXSTERS casting off all things MOUTH their time was foreshortened, but thankfully PEOPLE WARNER (when not placing ads on game shows) will pay up to $11 million a game for an LCS, which will require shaking a few more customers upside down. Unfortunately, they can't say they'll have had fun in the shakedown, as at least we did watching the Braves. So long, fellows. Without you SELIGISM becomes ever more midgetized.

Posted 9:33 PM by Gene

More brilliance in advertising: People Inc. and its flagship finagle product placements on Wheel of Fortune (don't ask), and the sponsors think they're actually moving more goods! Well, as often happens, they're moving more advertising.

Elsewhere in the Big Double-A Scribble, we learn São Paulo's banned billboards, and Rio may follow suit, so maybe advertising's future isn't that bright. Certainly it won't be as visible. And in the Did You Know? category, Did You Know Playboy's cut its circ and made its Web site available for free? I guess Hef has come to realize teenage boys like stronger stuff.

Posted 6:25 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Now more countries can say "Hi, mom!" from the moon.

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Any city with a "championship" and hundreds of homicides has no right to celebrate. No doubt Mayor iPhone was there, his fat duff in a luxury box, his feet on a railing.

I fear for Chicago if the Cubs win the Series. Perhaps it will merely be three days of noisy drunks, but especially with the hacks drumming it into the Windy City's dear little ears that the team hasn't won a league title in 62 years and Series in about a century there could be casualties. And we know what happened during successive celebrations of MJ's empty triumphs. This could be the first sports celebration to join the hall of infamy aside Newark, Detroit and LA. I pray not.

Which got me to thinking today: Camden Yards, the first of the Ueberrothiums, is -- I had to look it up -- fifteen years old. The Orioles haven't won in a long time. Mark my words: within five years the team will make noises for a new ballpark, and by 2020 it will be out of Baltimore. After that, le deluge, and the taxpayers get soaked.

I am sorry to be so sour on such a historic day, and I know I'm a bit foolish and melodramatic, but the well-heeled drunks are honking their horns, and I hate it.

P. S. I feel sorry for the folks in the Big Apple -- but not that much.

Posted 9:48 AM by Gene

Nukeman further returns the joke.

Isn't it obvious by now the only difference between these shoe-bangers and the Soviets is the Soviets were afraid to use the bomb?

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

I have seldom surfed Arts & Letters Daily recently, sensing that too many of its links are eyeball-rollingly self-indulgent or obvious, or just plain tiresome. Three examples: Philip "M." Roth (I will let my three readers guess what the "M." stands for) has written what is supposedly a new novel, only it sounds like a restatement of the sixty or so that came beforehand, and a couple of cri-TICS pretend to savage it, but in that tired, impatient manner that one fears has become the essence of too much of what's left of book reviewing. Then comes an endorsement of The New Yorker's dashing music cri-TIC Mr. Ross, and these 170 words made us hide under the table:

By the last third of the 20th century, it seems clear that the pressure of history had driven composers a little bit insane. Much of the music Mr. Ross discusses in the later chapters of "The Rest Is Noise" is strictly conceptual, noteworthy only for the ways it violates tradition or expectation. Elliott Carter's Piano Concerto is scored for 50 strings, each playing a different part simultaneously; Karlheinz Stockhausen's "Gruppen" splits the orchestra into three groups, situated at different spots in the concert hall; Alvin Lucier's "Music for Solo Performer" is a translation of his brain's alpha waves into patterns of percussion; most famously, John Cage's "4'33"" is "performed" as an interval of pure silence. Experiments like this can also be found in visual art and literature, and in every case they are purely parasitic; without the prior existence of positive artistic achievements, their purposeful vandalism would be meaningless.

Mr. Ross, in keeping with his usual practice, almost never says a skeptical word about even the most extreme musical absurdities.

In other words, he won't get mad when anger is justified. We have enough such writers, and many of them seem to get links in Arts & Letters Daily.

Then comes this squib:

In her first assault on Hollywood, Joan Collins slept with so many men she was known as the British Open... more»

Down, boy. Oh, we forgot. This is a production of Thuh Kronikul uv Hyer Ehdyukayshun. They've already downed their brains.

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

And the unfortunate thing is the more His Highness plays tricks on His readers, the more He tries to be in with the in crowd, the more He must act as the supreme arbiter and celebrant of bad taste, the more He obscures some solid reporting, like this story indicating the ethanol craze may join the housing bust as an anchor on our economy.

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

Meantime, in what is slowly becoming THE ENTERTAINMENT AND POP-CULTYURE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE as PINCH tries to stare down inevitable losses, with all the smells attendant thereto:

1. We mourn the divorce of a Texas couple who produced some of the greatest masterworks the movie industry has ever known -- why the wife won the first annual Texas Film Hall of Fame Ann Richards award, so we know what a tragedy this is;

2. We cheer the 25th anniversary of that @#$%&* movie that made DARK part of the film hack's and news hack's lexicon, and made a certain scribbler named DICK a part of college syllabi, and which the mentally-challenged typists must call a CLASSIC the way they call a certain loudmouthed obsessively-firing Six-Sigmaing CEO in Connecticut LEGENDARY (but even PINCH may be a little uncomfortable; His editors merely call it a "cult classic" -- we must fix that eventually);



3. No Your Lordship, most lesbians do NOT look like that.

Somebody has to teach His Highness Pinch the facts of life. Oh, His Father did. He with the most voting rights wins.

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

A Miami non-profit used tax dollars to act as a charter service for celebrities on SUMNER's MTV Music "Awards"!

Now that's what I call "empowerment"!

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

PRIDE IN PRODUCT: Jackie Chan is an enthusiastic endorser of his own American movies!

If Jackie can show such disdain for his work, think of what others in the biz might feel about the stuff they excrete on us!

DOWN WITH HOLLYWOOD! DOWN WITH THE CONSPIRACY!