THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Friday, April 30, 2004
Sixty years ago NBC gave us Benny and Hope. Today, as GE Bancorp Network, it gives us "a great comedy."
FRED SILVERMAN LIVES!!!!!
FRED SILVERMAN LIVES!!!!!
Somebody's reading you, STERNO! If you don't like this virus (this outfit says) TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF!
From the sound of this story one may have no choice.
From the sound of this story one may have no choice.
"Jack Kelley gave the paper a black eye but it will heal."
Yeah just slant a few more polls and let your SHOW-BIZ PR folks loose and you won't even HAVE one.
Yeah just slant a few more polls and let your SHOW-BIZ PR folks loose and you won't even HAVE one.
And in strictly Philadelphia news:
Coca-Cola Bottling workers end strike
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! I CAN DRINK COKE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Coca-Cola Bottling workers end strike
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! I CAN DRINK COKE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Cheney Praises Fox News Channel
Vice President Calls Network 'More Accurate' Than Others
All this proves is you have yours and they have theirs.
Vice President Calls Network 'More Accurate' Than Others
All this proves is you have yours and they have theirs.
STERNO's patting his back over the TOM PAINE he pulled in The Nation -- and he's patting it so hard it must look like The Christ after P. R. MEL. To say the man is politically tone-deaf is an understatement; he turns the PERSECUTION OF ONE OF THE GREAT MEDIA PERSONALITIES IN HISTORY into a red-blue issue -- in a magazine that fervently hopes for DISASTER in IRAQ and has run the kind of BUSH=HITLER diatribes that used to get such tantrums from him. That the CAUSE IS SO NOBLE AND RIGHT does not make the act any less STINKILY POLITICAL.
You know a man is extremely important or extremely unimportant when his office e-mails are one-sentence.
[M]uch of the U.S. media overdid [Pat Tillman]....
What did I say four days ago?
This and LORD KOPPEL'S STUNT prove the great wisdom of THE MASTER'S line, to repeat it yet again:
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."
What did I say four days ago?
This and LORD KOPPEL'S STUNT prove the great wisdom of THE MASTER'S line, to repeat it yet again:
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."
7 ABC affiliates ORDERED not to air 'Nightline' [Emphasis mine]
Bias? WHAT bias?
And here's THE REAL REASON they DID IT:
According to campaign finance records, four of Sinclair's top executives each have given the maximum campaign contribution of $2,000 to the Bush-Cheney re-election campaign.
The executives have not given any donations to the campaign of Sen. John Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee, the records showed.
DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO TURN THIS INTO A J'ACCUSE. (An UNBYLINED J'ACCUSE, of course.)
It would be nice, I'll admit, if these companies would occasionally exercise their RIGHT of preemption to cut back on TV sleaze. Just occasionally.
UPDATE: TimeWarnerBADCableNews.com has dropped the ORDERED business for OUR FAVORITE DEMO -- REPUBLICAN, SEN. McCAIN, but the damage is done. This blatantly partisan handling of the story is a template for a disreputable BIZ.
Bias? WHAT bias?
And here's THE REAL REASON they DID IT:
According to campaign finance records, four of Sinclair's top executives each have given the maximum campaign contribution of $2,000 to the Bush-Cheney re-election campaign.
The executives have not given any donations to the campaign of Sen. John Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee, the records showed.
DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO TURN THIS INTO A J'ACCUSE. (An UNBYLINED J'ACCUSE, of course.)
It would be nice, I'll admit, if these companies would occasionally exercise their RIGHT of preemption to cut back on TV sleaze. Just occasionally.
UPDATE: TimeWarnerBADCableNews.com has dropped the ORDERED business for OUR FAVORITE DEMO -- REPUBLICAN, SEN. McCAIN, but the damage is done. This blatantly partisan handling of the story is a template for a disreputable BIZ.
As I said of THE PAPER OF RECORD, don't be so MODEST, Your Lordship! You, THE GREATEST TV NEWS HACK OF ALL TIME, got the publicity which will get the ratings for a show YOU HAD NO IDEA COINCIDED WITH THE START OF SWEEPS. Ever since MICKEYMOUSE NIXON tried cutting off YOUR tail with a carving knife you've wanted to prove you can be as ORGANIZATION-MAN as ANYBODY at ESPNCORP -- and you succeeded!
OOOOOOOOoooooooh, "terrorists strike ARAB targets!"
Seems they don't know saints from infidels. But then terorists always were an indiscriminate breed.
Seems they don't know saints from infidels. But then terorists always were an indiscriminate breed.
Given NRO's immutable law I'm thinking Nancy Reagan's doing the right thing. (Pun not entirely unintended.)
The founder of suspected terror group Ansar al-Islam, normally cool under pressure, lost his temper when a female Muslim comedian jokingly lifted him off the ground before an audience.
Now THAT'S FUNNY!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
"A MAN WHO CAN BE CARRIED BY A WOMAN CAN'T BE A FUNDAMENTALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'' Rehman said to howls of laughter. [Emphasis mine.]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Hey MULLAH! There's a spot for you WEEKNIGHTS AT 11:35 EASTERN on the ESPNCORP TV NETWORK!
Just hope he doesn't express his wit by having his friends meet up with 72 Helen Thomases.
Now THAT'S FUNNY!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
"A MAN WHO CAN BE CARRIED BY A WOMAN CAN'T BE A FUNDAMENTALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'' Rehman said to howls of laughter. [Emphasis mine.]
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Hey MULLAH! There's a spot for you WEEKNIGHTS AT 11:35 EASTERN on the ESPNCORP TV NETWORK!
Just hope he doesn't express his wit by having his friends meet up with 72 Helen Thomases.
A BROADCASTER'S WISE TO LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM'S GAG!
NOW ESPNCORP should do what it's wanted to do for several years -- REPLACE AN UNFUNNY COMEDIAN WITH A FUNNY ONE.
OR:
"The 'Nightline' broadcast is an expression of respect which simply seeks to honor those who have laid down their lives for this country."
You guys just got through saying to Lisa deMoraes you didn't know your GAG was timed with THE SWEEPS. As PROF says, either you're DENSE or you're LYING. And YOU DON'T MAKE UMPTEEN ZILLION A YEAR LIKE THE LORD BY BEING DENSE. And he's old enough to remember the RECITATHONS in the LATE SIXTIES. LORD KOPPEL, RESIGN TO YOUR MILLION-ACRE ESTATE.
NOW ESPNCORP should do what it's wanted to do for several years -- REPLACE AN UNFUNNY COMEDIAN WITH A FUNNY ONE.
OR:
"The 'Nightline' broadcast is an expression of respect which simply seeks to honor those who have laid down their lives for this country."
You guys just got through saying to Lisa deMoraes you didn't know your GAG was timed with THE SWEEPS. As PROF says, either you're DENSE or you're LYING. And YOU DON'T MAKE UMPTEEN ZILLION A YEAR LIKE THE LORD BY BEING DENSE. And he's old enough to remember the RECITATHONS in the LATE SIXTIES. LORD KOPPEL, RESIGN TO YOUR MILLION-ACRE ESTATE.
Paul Wolfowitz -- who is undoubtedly an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL man for having CONSPIRED with DUBYA to get us into QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! -- should be FORCED TO RESIGN for UNDERGUESSING HOW MANY SOLDIERS HAVE DIED IN IRAQ!!!!!
And he will be forced to resign until a) the Messiah comes, b) the Messiah comes in the form of PRESIDENT DIPPITY-DO!!!!!, or c) the end of Dubya's second term, whichever is first.
And he will be forced to resign until a) the Messiah comes, b) the Messiah comes in the form of PRESIDENT DIPPITY-DO!!!!!, or c) the end of Dubya's second term, whichever is first.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Speaking of Kinsley.com:
Covering the "Quagmire"
Are war correspondents betting on failure in Iraq?
We really have to ask that question? Even the INCISIVE Chris has to ask that question? God knows the NEWS HACKS won't listen to the answer. They'll be talking to themselves on THEIR NON-SWEEPS TRIBUTE TO SELF-CENTEREDNESS.
Covering the "Quagmire"
Are war correspondents betting on failure in Iraq?
We really have to ask that question? Even the INCISIVE Chris has to ask that question? God knows the NEWS HACKS won't listen to the answer. They'll be talking to themselves on THEIR NON-SWEEPS TRIBUTE TO SELF-CENTEREDNESS.
Another reason why I will NOT click on the link:
All Those Teen Actresses: Where did they come from? Why are there so many of them? And how can you tell them apart?
Why another 2,000-word Kinsley.com drone that writes itself in 23 WORDS?
Of course: to provide jobs for scribblers like VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN's at THE PAPER OF RECORD.
All Those Teen Actresses: Where did they come from? Why are there so many of them? And how can you tell them apart?
Why another 2,000-word Kinsley.com drone that writes itself in 23 WORDS?
Of course: to provide jobs for scribblers like VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN's at THE PAPER OF RECORD.
The nominal head of the company (or, it being owned by RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!, THE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that gave us Cleopatra, that launched a BRILLIANT NAVAL ADVENTURE to A BIG LOSS, that boasted to THE PAPER OF RECORD and other such gatherings of twerps how it viewed losing tons of dough on an X-rated feature as A BADGE OF HONOR, is WORRIED HUGE BUDGETS WILL CAUSE THE INDUSTRY TO COLLAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We can only hope. Alas, technology is coming to the rescue: digital projection and DVDs. May THE CONSPIRACY spend its excess as fast as it makes it.
We can only hope. Alas, technology is coming to the rescue: digital projection and DVDs. May THE CONSPIRACY spend its excess as fast as it makes it.
The WISP of WHITE SMOKE HAS BLOWN, AND....
SHUCKS, I was hoping for BUSHEE so I could make fun of his name.
SHUCKS, I was hoping for BUSHEE so I could make fun of his name.
$2.7 BILLION? $2.7 OCTILLION for G000000000000000000000GLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A great day is comin' on THE BIG C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A great day is comin' on THE BIG C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More proof that HIGH-PROFILE, HIGH-EXPENSE FINANCING OF JUNK TELEVISION WORKS: Pepsi issued 100 million iTunes in its recent promotion. Only FIVE PERCENT HAVE BEEN REDEEMED.
I just bought a MiniDisc machine (uBid's having a fire sale for Sony) and am waiting for MICKEY D's to waste some money on me.
P. S. I know, I know ALL about the big debate of iPod vs. MiniDisc, I know ALL about how MDs lack capacity, how they're inconvenient to download, and you can't upload analog recordings at high speed, but when I first laid eyes on my new recorder I could not stop marvelling at it whatever its quirks. I can even enter titles with the jog dial. If THAT isn't the measure of a dweeb. (Sony's answering its critics with a new incompatible generation of MD machines -- and a fire sale. It's hard to believe this isn't the last gasp for the format.)
I just bought a MiniDisc machine (uBid's having a fire sale for Sony) and am waiting for MICKEY D's to waste some money on me.
P. S. I know, I know ALL about the big debate of iPod vs. MiniDisc, I know ALL about how MDs lack capacity, how they're inconvenient to download, and you can't upload analog recordings at high speed, but when I first laid eyes on my new recorder I could not stop marvelling at it whatever its quirks. I can even enter titles with the jog dial. If THAT isn't the measure of a dweeb. (Sony's answering its critics with a new incompatible generation of MD machines -- and a fire sale. It's hard to believe this isn't the last gasp for the format.)
The SENIOR CLUNKER BROTHER flushed OLDSMOBILE down the toilet -- in large part thanks to its HIDEBOUND WAYS and SUPERIOR DEVOTION TO QUALITY, in no small part for the VERY GOOD reason the word OLD was in the NAME.
Happily, it has a replacement.
Happily, it has a replacement.
Another model finds a revenue stream in THE DONALD.
They must LOVE running their fingers through his -- HAIR.
They must LOVE running their fingers through his -- HAIR.
BABA WAWA (another zillion-dollar supertalent who undoubtedly doesn't know about the SWEEPS) out-OPRAHED OPRAH. Baba Wawa apologizes.
You think you could devote three chapters to this when you have six interns dictate your "memoirs"?
Special guest star in this stunt: JOHN "The Right-Wing Knee-Jerk Liberal" STOSSEL!!!!!!!!!!
You think you could devote three chapters to this when you have six interns dictate your "memoirs"?
Special guest star in this stunt: JOHN "The Right-Wing Knee-Jerk Liberal" STOSSEL!!!!!!!!!!
Now it's PRISONER ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!
OR:
Koppel, also in the announcement, acknowledged that Memorial Day might have been "the most logical occasion" to do the program. Ya think?
"But we felt that the impact would actually be greater on a day when the entire nation is not focused on war dead," he said.
Ah yes, and, of course, Memorial Day falls outside the May sweeps, when viewer levels are used by the networks to set advertising rates. Memorial Day is also traditionally a day of very low television viewing. He forgot to mention that stuff.
Sievers and others we spoke with at ABC News insisted they did not realize that the May sweeps start tomorrow.
OR:
Koppel, also in the announcement, acknowledged that Memorial Day might have been "the most logical occasion" to do the program. Ya think?
"But we felt that the impact would actually be greater on a day when the entire nation is not focused on war dead," he said.
Ah yes, and, of course, Memorial Day falls outside the May sweeps, when viewer levels are used by the networks to set advertising rates. Memorial Day is also traditionally a day of very low television viewing. He forgot to mention that stuff.
Sievers and others we spoke with at ABC News insisted they did not realize that the May sweeps start tomorrow.
Yes, among the Republicans there are many chicken hawks. But as PRESIDENT DIPPITY-DO's friend EL POLLO LOCO proves, among the Democrats there are just plain CHICKENS.
Sen. LOUT does it again!
Sen. LOUT does it again!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
WE DIDN'T STEAL!!!!! HOW COULD I HAVE WON MY NOBEL PRIZE BY STEALING?????
OR:
Annan said that if corruption against any U.N. official proved true, he would not hesitate to lift diplomatic immunity.
Substitute "INVOKE" for "LIFT" and you get HIS DRIFT.
OR:
Annan said that if corruption against any U.N. official proved true, he would not hesitate to lift diplomatic immunity.
Substitute "INVOKE" for "LIFT" and you get HIS DRIFT.
POLL: IRAQIS OUT OF PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so are WE -- with NEWS HACKS WHO WANT US OUT ON ANY PRETEXT.
P. S. We've grown so cynical of NEWS HACKS as to be sure ANY POLL will be spun -- especially any poll connected with PRESIDENTIAL POLITICS, and especially A POLL CONDUCTED BY PEOPLE WHO'VE JUST FLAGELLATED THEMSELVES OVER THEIR "IRRESPONSIBILITY." How does this help your NOBLE CAUSE FOR TRUTH, SOB?
And so are WE -- with NEWS HACKS WHO WANT US OUT ON ANY PRETEXT.
P. S. We've grown so cynical of NEWS HACKS as to be sure ANY POLL will be spun -- especially any poll connected with PRESIDENTIAL POLITICS, and especially A POLL CONDUCTED BY PEOPLE WHO'VE JUST FLAGELLATED THEMSELVES OVER THEIR "IRRESPONSIBILITY." How does this help your NOBLE CAUSE FOR TRUTH, SOB?
KINSLEY THE SMUG SCREWLOOSE IS THE LALATIMES' NEW OP-ED EDITOR!!!!!
In FAIRNESS to Mike (and really, we don't want to be), he can be a pretty decent editor, as he proved at Harper's and TNR. The problem is, that NEWS HACK PROPENSITY TO WANT TO MAKE BIG MONEY AT ANY COST sometimes clouds his brains -- and opens his BIG FAT MOUTH.
In FAIRNESS to Mike (and really, we don't want to be), he can be a pretty decent editor, as he proved at Harper's and TNR. The problem is, that NEWS HACK PROPENSITY TO WANT TO MAKE BIG MONEY AT ANY COST sometimes clouds his brains -- and opens his BIG FAT MOUTH.
"It is not anti-Semitic to criticize the policies of the state of Israel. BUT...."
Hey GENERAL, you're speaking to nations who may not recognize the BUT.
Hey GENERAL, you're speaking to nations who may not recognize the BUT.
There are two ways, I suppose, one could inform readers of the Geneva Convention stipulation against using places of worship to conduct military attacks. One might be to headline saying that Terrorists Attack Coalition Forces From Mosques. That would be one way to present the information.
Another might be to say: Mosques Targeted in Fallujah. That was the Los Angeles Times headline this morning.
Actually, Rummy (and SUPERBLOGGER), the hed was "Mosque Targeted in Fallouja Fighting." Close enough.
Here's another one, though:
Another mosque may be targeted in Iraq
Ooooooooooops! Washington Times. Be careful what targets you hit; you might inflict collateral damage.
Another might be to say: Mosques Targeted in Fallujah. That was the Los Angeles Times headline this morning.
Actually, Rummy (and SUPERBLOGGER), the hed was "Mosque Targeted in Fallouja Fighting." Close enough.
Here's another one, though:
Another mosque may be targeted in Iraq
Ooooooooooops! Washington Times. Be careful what targets you hit; you might inflict collateral damage.
Will someone tell the BUTTMAN INSTITUTE-DOW 36,000-BARNEY-FAG ARMEY CROWD, the more business practices UNFETTERED CAPITALISM, the more likely it is to BRING ON STATE SOCIALISM and NATIONAL-NANNYISM?
THE DREAM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our cable bills are safe -- until the next merger brainstorm.
Wave BYEBYE, NIXON!!!!!
Our cable bills are safe -- until the next merger brainstorm.
Wave BYEBYE, NIXON!!!!!
You'll never guess whose name shows up in this filler. In the THIRD graf. YOU'LL NEVER GUESS.
I guess Virginia thinks she can still crib from the Web.
I guess Virginia thinks she can still crib from the Web.
LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM faces -- skepticism....
In its announcement yesterday, ABC News said the program was its way of paying tribute to the dead. And "Nightline" executive producer Leroy Sievers called it the program's way to "remind our viewers -- whether they agree with the war or not -- that beyond the casualty numbers, these men and women are serving in Iraq in our names, and that those who have been killed have names and faces."
That is good to know because otherwise we might be left thinking that Friday's broadcast, which ABC will simulcast on its Jumbotron in New York's Times Square, is a cheap, content-free stunt designed to tug at our heartstrings and bag a big number on the second night of the May ratings race.
And here I thought news hacks dealt solely with THE TRUTH.
In its announcement yesterday, ABC News said the program was its way of paying tribute to the dead. And "Nightline" executive producer Leroy Sievers called it the program's way to "remind our viewers -- whether they agree with the war or not -- that beyond the casualty numbers, these men and women are serving in Iraq in our names, and that those who have been killed have names and faces."
That is good to know because otherwise we might be left thinking that Friday's broadcast, which ABC will simulcast on its Jumbotron in New York's Times Square, is a cheap, content-free stunt designed to tug at our heartstrings and bag a big number on the second night of the May ratings race.
And here I thought news hacks dealt solely with THE TRUTH.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNDOM MAKES A POINT!
You forgoing the ADS? Didn't think so. You're a PROFIT CENTER.
You forgoing the ADS? Didn't think so. You're a PROFIT CENTER.
If we extend the outstretched hand to China in space, we may as well hand it rope.
And you know what Communists do with rope.
And you know what Communists do with rope.
Before starting a university named for Ronald Reagan, you folks may want to consider this motto of National Review: "Any organization not explicitly right-wing sooner or later becomes left-wing."
ATTEMPTED JOKE OF THE DAY:
Veteran reporters and editors know that their highest allegiance is to the truth. (Make your own Jayson Blair joke here.)
More of that famous Kinsley.com IRONY?
Watch it or we'll start showing less allegiance to your employer's BUGS.
Veteran reporters and editors know that their highest allegiance is to the truth. (Make your own Jayson Blair joke here.)
More of that famous Kinsley.com IRONY?
Watch it or we'll start showing less allegiance to your employer's BUGS.
Brazil's apparent victory in WTO case against US cotton subsidies could have big effect
Does this mean one last HARRUMPH from SEN. FOGHORN LEGHORN over FREEEEEEE TRRRRADE?
I can't imagine what else it means.
Does this mean one last HARRUMPH from SEN. FOGHORN LEGHORN over FREEEEEEE TRRRRADE?
I can't imagine what else it means.
The FORCES OF REACTION score a VICTORY in MICHIGAN, mandating -- ABSTINENCE INSTRUCTION.
As if the old routine worked.
As if the old routine worked.
NYU student sleeps for months in library basement
OR:
Scores of students read about Stanzak's daily adventures on his Web journal, www.homelessatnyu.com, and he became something of a campus celebrity.
Hmmm, THAT's what I need -- a GIMMICK. Maybe if I sleep at work...nah.
I'm NOT linking.
OR:
Scores of students read about Stanzak's daily adventures on his Web journal, www.homelessatnyu.com, and he became something of a campus celebrity.
Hmmm, THAT's what I need -- a GIMMICK. Maybe if I sleep at work...nah.
I'm NOT linking.
Psst! Is Powell Bound for the World Bank?
Go for it, GENERAL! Then YOU and ST. WARREN of BUFFETT and BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST can CHANGE THE WORLD -- and LIVE FOREVER IN THE PAPER OF RECORD!!!!!
Go for it, GENERAL! Then YOU and ST. WARREN of BUFFETT and BILL THE ENTOMOLOGIST can CHANGE THE WORLD -- and LIVE FOREVER IN THE PAPER OF RECORD!!!!!
"I spend half my day in class, half doing activist work."
At Ivy League mutual funds like Penn, what's the difference?
At Ivy League mutual funds like Penn, what's the difference?
It was not that long ago that USA OKAY boasted of all the show-biz ceelebs showing off their cleavage. Now they're covering up. Given the vast distances involved I say it's a good thing.
They can afford the fabric.
They can afford the fabric.
KERRY for PRESIDENT (aka THE PAPER OF RECORD) "QUESTIONS" BUSH'S GUARD SERVICE.
We question Jayson -- and THAT FAT MOUND OF HAIR.
We question Jayson -- and THAT FAT MOUND OF HAIR.
While I might have imagined lots of BOB "PSYCHO" DORNANS PORING over every classified report they could so they could claim to know more than anyone else, this sort of indifference does not surprise me.
Not surprising either: the story quotes five Democrats and two Republicans. We know who OUR friends are in this town, RIGHT LENNY?
Not surprising either: the story quotes five Democrats and two Republicans. We know who OUR friends are in this town, RIGHT LENNY?
Monday, April 26, 2004
CITGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$35 million more in SOCIALISM FOR BIG BUSINESS down the drain.
Or as SNIDELY WHIPLASH must be luxuriating in the riches of his graft-strewn office, "Ah nayver deeyid meet a suhbsidee to beeziness AH deedn't LAHK!"
$35 million more in SOCIALISM FOR BIG BUSINESS down the drain.
Or as SNIDELY WHIPLASH must be luxuriating in the riches of his graft-strewn office, "Ah nayver deeyid meet a suhbsidee to beeziness AH deedn't LAHK!"
This is worrisome: in devising their new flag the Iraqis have decided God is no longer great.
Do I hear the NINE FINGERS IN THE WIND taking their CUE?
After 9/11, the schlockumentary claimed, "Katie was the rock for a grieving nation." Somehow we managed not to puke all over our couch.
DON'T TALK! Every time we surf NewsMAX! we need an industrial-strength CLOTHESPIN.
DON'T TALK! Every time we surf NewsMAX! we need an industrial-strength CLOTHESPIN.
FOR WHOM WILL THE WHITE WISP OF SMOKE BLOW AT USA OKAY?
OR: Which editor will -- never mind.
I'm betting on Bushee. His name's almost as good as CURLEY's! (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
OR: Which editor will -- never mind.
I'm betting on Bushee. His name's almost as good as CURLEY's! (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
A Mexican man who got drunk, fell asleep on railroad tracks and was run over by a train slept through the entire episode and escaped unharmed, local officials said on Friday.
I THINK I could make a politically incorrect joke about this, but I think I'd better NOT.
I THINK I could make a politically incorrect joke about this, but I think I'd better NOT.
A majority of national advertisers plan to cut spending on TV commercials by 20 percent in the next five years, when they believe that ad-skipping devices like TiVo will take hold in households, according to a new survey.
THIS IS UTTER BULLHOCKEY. Reductions will be minimal because the IDIOTS who run the AD DEPARTMENTS of AMERICA'S LEADING COMPANIES DON'T WANT TO RELINQUISH THEIR FIEFDOMS. There is RAW POWER in FINANCING CRAPPY TELEVISION.
THIS IS UTTER BULLHOCKEY. Reductions will be minimal because the IDIOTS who run the AD DEPARTMENTS of AMERICA'S LEADING COMPANIES DON'T WANT TO RELINQUISH THEIR FIEFDOMS. There is RAW POWER in FINANCING CRAPPY TELEVISION.
Say, if this plot had been successful, wouldn't that have killed thousands of innocent Muslims too?
Muslims, Shmuslims, life is worthless.
Muslims, Shmuslims, life is worthless.
In another sign that the North remains unchanged yet, it held gala festival marking army foundation day on Sunday despite the disastrous explosion. High-profile military leaders joined rank-and-file soldiers in "merry dances" at a festival in central Pyongyang, according to KNCA.
As I recall there was a big parade in Kiev the day Chernobyl blew up. But that was NUCLEAR.
As I recall there was a big parade in Kiev the day Chernobyl blew up. But that was NUCLEAR.
A DELICIOUS JUXTAPOSITION on MESS.COM:
Drunk, bulldozer-driving German arrested
Billy Joel injured in 3rd car accident in 2 years
Oooooh-WAH-a-oooooh-WAH-a-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WAH!
Drunk, bulldozer-driving German arrested
Billy Joel injured in 3rd car accident in 2 years
Oooooh-WAH-a-oooooh-WAH-a-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WAH!
The word McCARTHY will soon raise its ugly head (especially in places like THE PAPER OF RECORD), but why should Dubya finance a conference that promises to be a screechfest for his enemies?
It was men like Tillman who built America up
WHY am I thinking this story is becoming one of those false-front "Our Town" acts where rich and superior NEWS HACKS show a fake allegiance to THUH PEEPUL?
WHY am I thinking this story is becoming one of those false-front "Our Town" acts where rich and superior NEWS HACKS show a fake allegiance to THUH PEEPUL?
Sunday, April 25, 2004
The organizers "exceed the goal," and they're OUR organizers, so I GUESS THEY'RE RIGHT!
A HUNDRED PUBLIC EDITORS CAN'T STOP THE CAUSE OF TRUTH.
A HUNDRED PUBLIC EDITORS CAN'T STOP THE CAUSE OF TRUTH.
Baghdad children killed in crossfire
Don't you feel like CHEERING when OsamaChannel.net runs a hed like that?
I think that's the intention.
Don't you feel like CHEERING when OsamaChannel.net runs a hed like that?
I think that's the intention.
EARLIER I NOTED THIS NASA RELEASE pointing out that many newspapers were showing pictures of the space shuttle Columbia crew's flag-draped coffins and identifying them as Iraq war dead. Here's a partial list of outlets that were snookered. Apparently, they just picked these up from an antiwar website and didn't do any further checking.
Remember this when Old Media guys talk about how untrustworthy the Internet is. . . .
But if they picked them up from a WEB SITE doesn't that mean OLD MEDIA got them from NEW MEDIA, MR. SUPERBLOGGER?
Remember this when Old Media guys talk about how untrustworthy the Internet is. . . .
But if they picked them up from a WEB SITE doesn't that mean OLD MEDIA got them from NEW MEDIA, MR. SUPERBLOGGER?
Figures: umpteen gazillion tax dollars for THE WORLD'S UGLIEST STADIUM and they didn't build enough rest rooms.
Plus of course, they were PC about them.
Plus of course, they were PC about them.
Paper of Record? No Way, No Reason, No Thanks
Oh for gosh sake don't be so modest.
Here's the difference between Adolph Ochs and Pinch: Ochs would have pounded the drum and beat his chest insisting the Times was the paper of record. Pinch, on the other hand, knows like most news hacks the best way to flaunt your power is to meaninglessly APOLOGIZE.
Oh for gosh sake don't be so modest.
Here's the difference between Adolph Ochs and Pinch: Ochs would have pounded the drum and beat his chest insisting the Times was the paper of record. Pinch, on the other hand, knows like most news hacks the best way to flaunt your power is to meaninglessly APOLOGIZE.
Sounds like the CATHOLIC CHURCH has ITS version of THE BRITISH VICARAGE AND TEA-TIME CLUB.
OR:
The center...has a history of reaching out to marginalized Catholics.
Why SOITENLY they can euphe, euphe, use woids that can mean anything!
WHY I OUGHTA....
OR:
The center...has a history of reaching out to marginalized Catholics.
Why SOITENLY they can euphe, euphe, use woids that can mean anything!
WHY I OUGHTA....
The bottom line is that this government doesn't trust the people.
And neither do news hacks, especially those in an upper-income tax bracket.
And neither do news hacks, especially those in an upper-income tax bracket.
This week in BLUNDER: our NEW HERO:
TeREEsa-TahRAYza!
She could inspire a line: above every great man is a woman.
P. S. MR. MARK CAMPAIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!:
She's a potential Democratic First Lady who speaks critically of abortion. [Subhed]
"Ultimately you're either for choice or you're not, so I am." [On the THIRD PAGE.]
MR. MARK, I think you're trying to disprove that old saw that you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time.
TeREEsa-TahRAYza!
She could inspire a line: above every great man is a woman.
P. S. MR. MARK CAMPAIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!:
She's a potential Democratic First Lady who speaks critically of abortion. [Subhed]
"Ultimately you're either for choice or you're not, so I am." [On the THIRD PAGE.]
MR. MARK, I think you're trying to disprove that old saw that you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time.
Bush's Oratory Helps Maintain Support for War
Shucks Lenny, you mean...VIETNAM...isn't...anywhere on the horizon?
Don't you guys ALWAYS make fun of the way DUBYA TALKS?
Shucks Lenny, you mean...VIETNAM...isn't...anywhere on the horizon?
Don't you guys ALWAYS make fun of the way DUBYA TALKS?
Saturday, April 24, 2004
A thought just occured to me: are Rep. Cowface Flipflop and Rev. Racecard STILL RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
Well wouldn't you know: YES and YES.
Well wouldn't you know: YES and YES.
Being MR. TRENDY I'm surprised SUPER CHICKEN doesn't renounce Israel's right to exist.
Hey CLUCKCLUCK! Wasn't your nation once run by a FASCIST?
Hey CLUCKCLUCK! Wasn't your nation once run by a FASCIST?
Bush's strength surprises some pollsters
TRANSLATION: We've been reading so many NEWS HACKS ELECTING DIPPITY-DO! before the election we didn't know our rear ends from a poll in the ground.
Even in solidly Democratic states, challenger appears weak
TRANSLATION: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da dut dut!
TRANSLATION: We've been reading so many NEWS HACKS ELECTING DIPPITY-DO! before the election we didn't know our rear ends from a poll in the ground.
Even in solidly Democratic states, challenger appears weak
TRANSLATION: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da dut dut!
The OBSESSION of NEWS HACKS to DESTIGMATIZE PORN has gotten a BOOST from the HIV CRISIS even though in most industries spreading diseases is NOT a boost. This is the exact same seven-digit-news-hack thumbing-the-nose-in-the-air mindset that made GRAFFITI ART, and gave us MASTERPIECES on every building and subway train.
Notice that the allegedly POST-HOWELL TIMES puts this in the "FASHION AND STYLE" SECTION. DOES ANYONE EDIT THIS PAPER?
Notice that the allegedly POST-HOWELL TIMES puts this in the "FASHION AND STYLE" SECTION. DOES ANYONE EDIT THIS PAPER?
The Times goes RAH! RAH! again. That word "DIVERSITY" proves HOWELL will NEVER die.
I should have known that biz with the "BAD SONGS" was a VIACON MARKETING STUNT.
From now on when I make booboos and correct them I'll note it for the record. CASE IN POINT: in an entry from yesterday I incorrectly identified SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE as a GRAND WIZARD. Being KLEAGLE was ossification enough.
I changed this error as I've changed errors before but I may leave them up in the future.
I changed this error as I've changed errors before but I may leave them up in the future.
We'll never know exactly what caused the North Korean catastrophe: the closest witnesses are all dead, and even if people who knew survived, they'd be executed as ENEMIES OF THE DEAR IMMORTAL LEADER for knowing too much. And the truth, one suspects, is nearly as volatile a thing as what blew too many Koreans up. As I said, this will not be a Chernobyl, partly because Chernobyl was NUCLEAR, and partly because there were DISSIDENTS in the Soviet Union, unlike THE WORKERS' PARADISE, which no doubt has a meat-grinding machine nearly as efficient as Hitler's.
One other thing: I do not expect any "international organization" within a STONE'S THROW of the LEAGUE OF NATIONS to tell us the whole truth -- and that INCLUDES the International Red Cross.
Why am I thinking after the cleanup things will return to EXACTLY AS THEY WERE BEFORE?
Zimbabwe Finance Minister Arrested for Corruption
It's a wonder the WHOLE GOVERNMENT isn't locked up -- starting from the TOP.
It's a wonder the WHOLE GOVERNMENT isn't locked up -- starting from the TOP.
I don't care how good an athlete Lance Armstrong is -- and he's the MJ of his sport -- the POSTAL QUAGMIRE's sponsorship of his racing reminded us that not only is advertising often a total waste of money, not only is it often spent solely to justify top executives taking grand tours and browbeating subordinates, but here was one of the most slothful of government organizations doing it BIG TIME. Of course the marketing-HIP Wrong-Address Guys were among the financiers of AUDREY'S MONSTER, a box-office pancake. If people remember the sponsorship at all it will be with a laugh.
While many news hacks smirked and said, "Serves the guy right for quitting his day job," CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges managed to find us a true -- HERO. A MOTHER TERESA.
Who needs scandals in the news biz when you've got CURLEY? (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
P. S. NO, I will NOT apologize. Here's Andy "Where's My Meds?" Rooney from two weeks ago:
Treating soldiers fighting their war as brave heroes is an old civilian trick designed to keep the soldiers at it.
One must charitably suppose Andy was being ironic; he served in the war and worked on Stars and Stripes. But he's also a NEWS HACK, a SUPERZILLIONAIRE NEWS HACK, he works for VIACON, he works in a notoriously LIBERAL division of VIACON, and he was dictating a piece urging us to cut and run from Iraq. We know what cynics NEWS HACKS are; we know of their depthless contempt for the audience disguised as PUBLIC SERVICE, and of their predilection for black humor behind the curtain, much of which they play out on US. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Who needs scandals in the news biz when you've got CURLEY? (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!)
P. S. NO, I will NOT apologize. Here's Andy "Where's My Meds?" Rooney from two weeks ago:
Treating soldiers fighting their war as brave heroes is an old civilian trick designed to keep the soldiers at it.
One must charitably suppose Andy was being ironic; he served in the war and worked on Stars and Stripes. But he's also a NEWS HACK, a SUPERZILLIONAIRE NEWS HACK, he works for VIACON, he works in a notoriously LIBERAL division of VIACON, and he was dictating a piece urging us to cut and run from Iraq. We know what cynics NEWS HACKS are; we know of their depthless contempt for the audience disguised as PUBLIC SERVICE, and of their predilection for black humor behind the curtain, much of which they play out on US. I DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Friday, April 23, 2004
IF THE NINCOMPOOPS OF THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS ARE SO MAD ABOUT PAYING SO MUCH MONEY FOR SO LITTLE WHY DO THEY SO READILY PAY FOR IT?
Income and lifestyle needs aside, the truly serious writers and artists out there should consider where their true interests lie in the Bono/Golden Globe controversy. They should understand (and many do) that this claim of a constitutionally protected pants-drop is simply a race to the bottom that is sucking all the available capital out of the entertainment system and increasingly investing it in junk guaranteed to enrage the majority in what, alas, is still a democracy. If broadcasters and cable networks couldn't slip in f-words and f-scenes to make ends meet, they'd have to try harder to "create" something new that would hold large audiences.
WHY couldn't this run somewhere other than the WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS' REVIEW?
WHY couldn't this run somewhere other than the WALL STREET JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION'S FREELOADERS' REVIEW?
Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! STERNO'S GONE WITHOUT MENTIONING HIS SAINT FOR TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signs of life in STERNO? Or just a relapse?
Signs of life in STERNO? Or just a relapse?
The EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Ariel Sharon will not rule out a hit on YASSIR.
Yassir is the fount from which all curses flow.
GENERAL's probably hiding in his bunker.
Yassir is the fount from which all curses flow.
GENERAL's probably hiding in his bunker.
Kerry Says Religion Shouldn't Be an Issue in U.S. Politics
...unless some HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL...oh, never mind.
...unless some HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL...oh, never mind.
From TODAY'S Times site:
I think we have a LONG way to go before the HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL WORLD accepts OH-SO-SOPHISTICATED ADULT MOVIES.
P. S. None of IMMORTAL JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP? Or do you prefer RAMEN?
I think we have a LONG way to go before the HARD-CORE PRUDISH ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE RED-COUNTRY EVANGELICAL WORLD accepts OH-SO-SOPHISTICATED ADULT MOVIES.
P. S. None of IMMORTAL JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP? Or do you prefer RAMEN?
If Bush loses WSJ, he loses 'Upperville'
Actually with the Journals he'd have to lose East Upperville and West Upperville, both very shady precincts. Now is he campaigning in your town, SOB -- LOWERVILLE?!?
Actually with the Journals he'd have to lose East Upperville and West Upperville, both very shady precincts. Now is he campaigning in your town, SOB -- LOWERVILLE?!?
Will THE SAVIOR OF MAN SURVIVE KOFIGATE?!?!?
Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abracadabra, alakazam! The TWXSTERS vie to turn "$900 million in cash by 2006" into -- BILLIONS IN DEBT!!!!!
To be borne by their shareholders and RATEPAYERS.
To be borne by their shareholders and RATEPAYERS.
Saudis Support a Jihad in Iraq, Not Back Home
And we may be sure they support jihads in every nation that doesn't worship the stone age.
One reason a former NFL star died in Afghanistan is that you jerks SMILED ON 9/11.
And we may be sure they support jihads in every nation that doesn't worship the stone age.
One reason a former NFL star died in Afghanistan is that you jerks SMILED ON 9/11.
THE FORCES OF REACTION FORCE THEIR OBSOLETE RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC VIEWS ON POLITICIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you nominal Catholics don't like it, JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH.
If you nominal Catholics don't like it, JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH.
Imagine a multi-zillionaire news hack ditching his job to serve in the military.
You can't? I can't either. This guy did. Patriotism is a little more than a slogan.
You can't? I can't either. This guy did. Patriotism is a little more than a slogan.
Oops! Coors' photo used in Klan story
New York Times runs wrong picture with murder report
But to this day, at the biggest tower of babble there ever was, they STILL don't know about SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE -- and WOULDN'T CARE IF THEY DID.
New York Times runs wrong picture with murder report
But to this day, at the biggest tower of babble there ever was, they STILL don't know about SEN. OSSIFIED KLEAGLE -- and WOULDN'T CARE IF THEY DID.
There would be no democracy today in Japan, South Korea, Italy, or Germany without the Americans' defeat of fascists and Communists.
HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE will NEVER admit to this. He thinks it came from the Tooth Fairy.
HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE will NEVER admit to this. He thinks it came from the Tooth Fairy.
Some guy named Neal Snuze or whatever hyperventilates: today, smut -- TOMORROW, POLITICS. This is a reasonable fear; but liberals already do a bang-up job using media to censor political enemies. The alternative here is to do nothing, which guarantees the torrent of raw show-biz sewage becomes more inescapable and more toxic.
SECONDHAND SMOKE POSES HEART ATTACK RISK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I see Lenny leaning back in his expensive leather chair, propping his feet up on an expensive mahogany desk, and drawing a nice long puff of smoke from a superexpensive, superstinky ceegar, which he promptly wafts into the nearest intern's face, no-smoking ordinances notwithstanding?
Why do I see Lenny leaning back in his expensive leather chair, propping his feet up on an expensive mahogany desk, and drawing a nice long puff of smoke from a superexpensive, superstinky ceegar, which he promptly wafts into the nearest intern's face, no-smoking ordinances notwithstanding?
I understand what would prompt people to take pictures of caskets of our war dead -- at its best a profound respect and admiration for their sacrifice; but I can also understand what prompts Rummy to go lock-the-doors-and-bar-the-windows nuts, too: the prospect of these photos being hijacked by HHHWALTER CRRRONKITE and Co. for the sole purpose of MAKING HASH OF OUR WAR EFFORTS.
P. S. I'm very sorry you lost your job, and you meant well; but HHHWALTER and his boys do NOT mean well.
P. S. I'm very sorry you lost your job, and you meant well; but HHHWALTER and his boys do NOT mean well.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
I'm in a rotten mood because I just learned the Teamsters who work at the local Coke bottler went on strike, and they're the Rambos of the unions, meaning they'll be out for weeks. Oh well, Pepsi for the duration (bleaaah).
This is how bereft of inspiration NEWS HACKS are: in a sales pitch for a new production of one of HERR SONDHEIM'S MASTERPIECES Der Times unearths a Tom Lehrer lyric for the hed. The Ben Brantleys will be hugging themselves all through the production, and it closes in two months.
That WONDERFUL press release comes as the ill-begotten revival of Gypsy posts a closing notice after losing roughly half of its $8 million cap. I roll my eyes as it's de facto become some sort of GAY musical thanks to Mama Rose (and the title character too), quite unfortunate as it's a first-class show about a stripper's rise to stardom, and in Gypsy's day, stripping was a HETERO thing.
Did anybody other than John Simon note that the Divine Miss P. has a striking facial resemblance to the Ethereal Miss L.? I should like to have seen her as GYPSY, not Mama Rose.
That WONDERFUL press release comes as the ill-begotten revival of Gypsy posts a closing notice after losing roughly half of its $8 million cap. I roll my eyes as it's de facto become some sort of GAY musical thanks to Mama Rose (and the title character too), quite unfortunate as it's a first-class show about a stripper's rise to stardom, and in Gypsy's day, stripping was a HETERO thing.
Did anybody other than John Simon note that the Divine Miss P. has a striking facial resemblance to the Ethereal Miss L.? I should like to have seen her as GYPSY, not Mama Rose.
I've a hunch most of the CLOWNS who've started a NEW BUBBLE in eBAY are the outfit's SELLERS.
I'd love -- HATE to see a downturn.
I'd love -- HATE to see a downturn.
The sound of Ka-CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pervades the holy Times editorial offices:
IF CONSTITUENTS DO NOT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's like the Times saying, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THAT EVERY NEWS HACK IN AMERICA CRIBS OFF OF US, START YOUR OWN PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF CONSTITUENTS DO NOT LIKE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's like the Times saying, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THAT EVERY NEWS HACK IN AMERICA CRIBS OFF OF US, START YOUR OWN PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It seems that little bit of control-room and accounting legerdemain is but a small part of the TWXSTERS' plan to waste tens of millions of subscriber dollars giving TBS a facelift.
Let's see it backfire, as it most certainly will.
Let's see it backfire, as it most certainly will.
All that gas and oil weren't headed for THE PEOPLE.
I'm betting this is the only picture we see of the calamity. I'm also betting we don't hear about this after tomorrow, so ruthless is The Supreme God's dictatorship and so incurious are NEWS HACKS. That and the military angle guarantee this is no Chernobyl. But we WILL hear about WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone for SATELLITE IMAGERY?
I'm betting this is the only picture we see of the calamity. I'm also betting we don't hear about this after tomorrow, so ruthless is The Supreme God's dictatorship and so incurious are NEWS HACKS. That and the military angle guarantee this is no Chernobyl. But we WILL hear about WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyone for SATELLITE IMAGERY?
Here's another reason NEWS HACKS could put on the P. R. MEL routine with blood and gore and screaming and we would NEVER believe them: THE REUT J'ACCUSES ISRAEL OF USING HUMAN SHIELDS -- possibly the first time the term has appeared in a REUT dispatch.
Back to the future in "jazz," and the future is seventies pimps-'n'-pushers noodling -- with extra ATTITUDE.
When will the boys realize they're playing a dead horse? (Courtesy the sometimes VERY irritating ArtsJournal.com.)
When will the boys realize they're playing a dead horse? (Courtesy the sometimes VERY irritating ArtsJournal.com.)
Saudi Arabia's top cleric said on Thursday the people behind a suicide car bombing in Riyadh would "burn in hell" for killing innocent Muslims....
WHAT? THEY don't get 72 virgins?
WHAT? THEY don't get 72 virgins?
And speaking of "What's good for Time Warner...", David "Platinum" Bianculli (he earns that nickname because when he scribbled for The Philadelphia Inquirer he proclaimed we live in "a platinum age of television" -- TWICE) is shocked! SHOCKED! that his BELOVED Slutsville has been hopelessly and irreparably RUINED. We need a half-million dollar ad-blurb COPYWRITER to inform us what common sense already did: THIS MADE NO SENSE. Either show it unedited or don't show it at all -- and in this case, I vote for the latter.
And as I've noted before, the TWXSTERS are doing this LARGELY OUT OF ACCOUNTING.
P. S. Famous last words:
[T]he idea of sticking up for swear words and flashes of breast may seem like a stupid thing to do.
But if USA OKAY'S painful self-flagellation says anything, it's that YOU NEWS HACKS ALWAYS DO STUPID THINGS.
And as I've noted before, the TWXSTERS are doing this LARGELY OUT OF ACCOUNTING.
P. S. Famous last words:
[T]he idea of sticking up for swear words and flashes of breast may seem like a stupid thing to do.
But if USA OKAY'S painful self-flagellation says anything, it's that YOU NEWS HACKS ALWAYS DO STUPID THINGS.
With every new paper flagellating itself in public the very showy exposing of scars gets harder and harder to believe. This self-flagellation must count as the phony-baloneyest thing to run in USA OKAY since Andy "Seller" Seiler's press releases for Showgirls. We peons must believe news hacks will come clean, but that would baffle an army of sandblasters. No, NEWS HACKS WILL NOT CHANGE because 1. Many make too much money; 2. They're out to "change the world" -- and big egos accompany their desire; 3. THE BIZ IS HOPELESSLY LIBERAL, and proud of it, and has devised strategems worthy of Foggy Bottom to deny it; 4. What's good for Time Warner is good for America; 5. It's easy to hide untruth in a paper: just write badly and quote "sources"; 6. The sheer MEGATONNAGE OF VERBIAGE prevents wholesale reform; it's like trying to desalinize an ocean. USA Okay's already put too much sodium chloride in our psychic wound.
Epitaph of a writer:
F. Scott Fitzgerald moved to Hollywood for easy money, but material in a new archive reveals he worked hard, toiling away on now-forgotten movies. [Front-page tease]
He bet on the wrong horse: the books lived. His story should teach MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS that SOME THINGS AREN'T IMMORTAL.
Now only FOUR died.
It's a good thing our military doesn't use WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS or they'd REALLY be in the soup.
It's a good thing our military doesn't use WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS or they'd REALLY be in the soup.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Our guy's a SUPERPATRIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And he "SPOKE FLUENT FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Caution: that second link's a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
And he "SPOKE FLUENT FRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Caution: that second link's a NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
In Spite of Media Coverage, Widespread Belief in Weapons of Mass Destruction and Iraqi Links to Al Qaeda Remain Virtually Unchanged
Shucks, NEWS HACKS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?
Better improve our ETHICS.
Shucks, NEWS HACKS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!?
Better improve our ETHICS.
I mentioned DDT A WEEK before you did, Vir-GIN-ia, but I don't get a hundred billion trillion kazillion hits.
Legendary movie studio Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer is in advanced talks to be bought by Sony....
Fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE....
P. S. REUT!!!!! That LEGENDARY studio isn't MGM, it's UNITED ARTISTS! It changed the name because HEAVEN'S GATE STUNK UP THE GYM!
Fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE....
P. S. REUT!!!!! That LEGENDARY studio isn't MGM, it's UNITED ARTISTS! It changed the name because HEAVEN'S GATE STUNK UP THE GYM!
Will someone tell me why a DUMMY who makes LOTS OF MONEY gets himself arrested for GAMBLING?
Possibly because he's used his house as in indoor shooting gallery.
Possibly because he's used his house as in indoor shooting gallery.
Here's another chance for NEWS HACKS to march with the forces of right, and to demonstrate no matter how hard and show-offishly they talk of making themselves better, to paraphrase the title of a song by Kern and Hammerstein, We Suits Us Fine.
See ya on the Mall -- with (fill in the blank with a number followed by at least six zeroes) other people!
See ya on the Mall -- with (fill in the blank with a number followed by at least six zeroes) other people!
I must pay more attention to Romenesko's excessively selective Letters page (no conservatives or people making under $250,000 a year, please). The writers are just as excessively self-centered: one complaining about the roof-raising "scandal" that THE WHITE HOUSE DAY-CARE CENTER MUST SUBMIT QUESTIONS TO DUBYA IN ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!; another from the "entertainment editor and movie critic, Buffalo Alternative Press" about USA Okay's crossword puzzles (hey buddy, consider yourself lucky that you got to speak to executive assistants); more head-beatings against walls about the bosses of USA Okay's executive assistants -- in short, if you want to know what most news hacks are not-thinking, turn to Romenesko's Letters page.
Lord Koppel of ESPNdom says St. Edward of Murrow put grease on the slippery slope that led to THE DONALD being a cast member of the TODAY SHOW.
As I've said, NEWS HACKS CAN TALK REFORM UNTIL THE SKY TURNS GREEN WITH PINK POLKADOTS AND IT WON'T HAPPEN.
As I've said, NEWS HACKS CAN TALK REFORM UNTIL THE SKY TURNS GREEN WITH PINK POLKADOTS AND IT WON'T HAPPEN.
PROF caused another INSTASPIKE® when a co-production suggested Congresspoops were engaged in a conspiracy to permanently defang broadcast decency standards. To paraphrase the Coca-Cola executive Donald Keough after New Coke failed, they're not that dumb and they're not that smart. Besides, I wonder how seriously we can take anything from THE LESS-THAN-WORK-SAFE SUPERBLOGGER.
Pentagon Deleted Rumsfeld Comment
Remark to Saudi About War's Certainty Is Not in Internet Transcript of Interview
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! A PAGE-ONE CONSPIRACY!! LET'S SIC WOODY AND BERNIE ON THE CASE TO BRING DOWN A PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remark to Saudi About War's Certainty Is Not in Internet Transcript of Interview
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! A PAGE-ONE CONSPIRACY!! LET'S SIC WOODY AND BERNIE ON THE CASE TO BRING DOWN A PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now if he really wants to make it big in the NPCAA, Little John will make sure none of his kids graduate -- while huffing and puffing about RACE PREJUDICE.
Who wants to wager DICKIE V writes his column in GHOST CITY, man?
Who wants to wager DICKIE V writes his column in GHOST CITY, man?
Looks like our friends at The Osama Channel & Co. want to win this war!
ELVIS LIVES! (And so does "Col." "Tom" "Parker.")
ELVIS LIVES! (And so does "Col." "Tom" "Parker.")
And at the GE Bancorp Obscure Sports and Sappy Featurettes Orgy:
There is not a track, or a field, or even any seats, inside Olympic Stadium.
Maybe we can use CGI when we air the thing, right, LITTLE JEFFREY?
Here's betting Bancorp's subsid postpones it a year, whatever some of the formerly Goodthings people think.
There is not a track, or a field, or even any seats, inside Olympic Stadium.
Maybe we can use CGI when we air the thing, right, LITTLE JEFFREY?
Here's betting Bancorp's subsid postpones it a year, whatever some of the formerly Goodthings people think.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
After some DEEP SOUL SEARCHING, USA Okay's editor called it a day.
Every last editor of every last paper could retire and we couldn't take it seriously so long as NEWS HACKS SPIN AND SELL. And if HOWELL's departure effected nothing at the TIMES, the departure of every last editor at every last paper would effect nothing either.
HMMMMMMM, I didn't know this: Jack Kelley, the scapegoat here, "CO-AUTHORED [GHOSTED?] TWO BOOKS" with SOB. THIS IS THE FOUNDER'S BABY AS MUCH AS IT IS ANYBODY'S.
Every last editor of every last paper could retire and we couldn't take it seriously so long as NEWS HACKS SPIN AND SELL. And if HOWELL's departure effected nothing at the TIMES, the departure of every last editor at every last paper would effect nothing either.
HMMMMMMM, I didn't know this: Jack Kelley, the scapegoat here, "CO-AUTHORED [GHOSTED?] TWO BOOKS" with SOB. THIS IS THE FOUNDER'S BABY AS MUCH AS IT IS ANYBODY'S.
"When John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison, he didn't even flinch. This guy asks people he's made fun of to help him. I call him Coward Stern.
OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!! And what does that make HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS?!?
OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!! And what does that make HIS MOST ARDENT DEFENDERS?!?
Heinz Co. proving to be an election-year benefit for President Bush
Just because YOU have the NAME doesn't mean the NAME wants to have YOU.
Just because YOU have the NAME doesn't mean the NAME wants to have YOU.
Iraqi leaders set up tribunal to try Saddam Hussein and other Baathist regime members, Iraqi Governing Council says. [Original "Breaking News" hed]
Maybe THIS will put the brave REBELS in their place.
Maybe THIS will put the brave REBELS in their place.
"It seems to me that people want two things: one, to live forever; and two, to do no work."
I'll drink to that.
I'll drink to that.
Great: California guvments will "regulate" porno-movie "workplaces."
Three questions:
1. Why should guvment regulate porno movies when it's the biz' very nature to encourage unsafe sexual practices?
2. Since part of porno's "charm" is unprotected sex, won't that drive guvment protections out of the racket anyway?
3. Do these people merit guvment protections given their "JOBS"?
Three questions:
1. Why should guvment regulate porno movies when it's the biz' very nature to encourage unsafe sexual practices?
2. Since part of porno's "charm" is unprotected sex, won't that drive guvment protections out of the racket anyway?
3. Do these people merit guvment protections given their "JOBS"?
In more NEWS from the IMMORTAL JACK'S CONSPIRACY, HOWIE'S remaking PORKY'S.
Two things: 1. YOU AIMING THIS AT THE UNDER-17 CROWD, HOWIE? THAT'S YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE!, and 2. We sharing with STERNO?!?
P. S.:
Not to be an ass but...
: Wired reports on Bloggercon and got this wrong:
Another journalist, Jeff Jarvis, former Sunday editor of the Daily News....
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Blogging has its LIMITS, ass! (And I'm not going to take the bait on your LAST line.)
P. P. S. I've been trying to stay away from other people's blogs on purpose. I want this to be MY blog, not someone else's.
Two things: 1. YOU AIMING THIS AT THE UNDER-17 CROWD, HOWIE? THAT'S YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE!, and 2. We sharing with STERNO?!?
P. S.:
Not to be an ass but...
: Wired reports on Bloggercon and got this wrong:
Another journalist, Jeff Jarvis, former Sunday editor of the Daily News....
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Blogging has its LIMITS, ass! (And I'm not going to take the bait on your LAST line.)
P. P. S. I've been trying to stay away from other people's blogs on purpose. I want this to be MY blog, not someone else's.
He says TeREEsa and she says TeRAY-zah!
She says TeRAY-zah and he says TeREEsa!
TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah!
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!!
Of COURSE it's from NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She says TeRAY-zah and he says TeREEsa!
TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah! TeREEsa! TeRAY-zah!
LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!!!!!
Of COURSE it's from NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey DICK! DICK "SYNERGY" CORLISS! HEY STERNO! HEY EVERYBODY AT TIME WARNER!!!!! TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND REPEAT AFTER ME AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, OKAY READY, SCREAM:
GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!
GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!
With that story of the holy beatings, and the story of the arrests, I don't think the timing of THIS story was quite right.
Ho-hum, men beat women in the HOLY LAND of oil and terrorism.
Knowing the very HOLY men there this event will probably encourage MORE holy beatings.
And I've a hunch the lady can expect even HOLIER HOLY beatings.
P. S. One of CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges describes Saudi Arabia as "conservative." TRANSLATION: DUBYA BEATS HIS WIFE!!!!!
Knowing the very HOLY men there this event will probably encourage MORE holy beatings.
And I've a hunch the lady can expect even HOLIER HOLY beatings.
P. S. One of CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges describes Saudi Arabia as "conservative." TRANSLATION: DUBYA BEATS HIS WIFE!!!!!
The League of Nations' HQ is falling apart, AWWWWWWWWWW.
I have an idea, Mr. Save-the-World Nobel: sell the old hovel (it'll make SUPERB luxury condos) and BUILD A NEW HQ -- in Kinshasa, Khartoum, Nouakchott (that's a coastal town, and the name almost looks like New York) -- or your favorite and mine, RIYADH! Maybe we can devise a FOOD-for-BRIBERY campaign to build it! Oh, we already did.
And speaking of The REUT, here's some show-biz PUFFERY AND bad grammar therefrom:
Pitt Now Happy He Forced to Quit Smoking for 'Troy'
Does the clown who wrote this hed work for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) on the side?
Pitt Now Happy He Forced to Quit Smoking for 'Troy'
Does the clown who wrote this hed work for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) on the side?
Not content to rule the world with biased reporting, CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges announce they're starting a FINANCIAL NEWS SERVICE, presumably to inspire depressions. Alas, if I know my business stories, all we'll get out of this is the usual statistical junk and puff pieces.
UPDATE: Isn't Stoogedom a non-profit collective? Isn't it going up against The REUT, which last I heard was a for-profit biz? Will CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) get tax breaks for trying to put The REUT out of business? Not that we'd disapprove.
UPDATE: Isn't Stoogedom a non-profit collective? Isn't it going up against The REUT, which last I heard was a for-profit biz? Will CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) get tax breaks for trying to put The REUT out of business? Not that we'd disapprove.
Monday, April 19, 2004
Shucks, INJUSTICE prevails in TEX-ASS.
I will admit, GERRYMANDER is one of the most loathsome words in our language.
I will admit, GERRYMANDER is one of the most loathsome words in our language.
I'm surprised the HACKS aren't plastering this story about these BRAVE DESERTERS who are doing what some of DIP's friends did.
Another "teacher" to would-be news hacks sez, in another of the industry's tiresome efforts at IRONY:
Savvy news consumers are certain of two things:
• The press is biased. Most often we hear that the press has a liberal bias. Those who are dismayed by the gobbling up of news organizations by ever-larger conglomerates are convinced the press has a conservative bias.
Translation: Since the press is conservatively AND liberally biased, it cancels out. Sorry CHUMP, just because the Times and NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are both biased doesn't negate the overwhelming LIBERAL bias in your biz. GET IT? LIBERAL.
• The press's only concern is the bottom line. Editors therefore use two criteria to judge the newsworthiness of a story or photo: Will it sell papers? Will it make their advertisers happy?
How do I know THIS is actually TRUE: Simple: 1. GanNETt and SOB; 2. The "news"weeklies and People rag; 3. Real-estate sections; and 4. YOUR ENDLESS SHOW-BIZ PR.
As for the bottom line:
...[S]ince so little of the money being raked in by the media moguls trickles down to the newsroom, it is hard to fathom why journalists would devote themselves to making their employers rich.
Hey CHUMP, maybe the AVERAGE news hack doesn't rake in big bucks, but enough of you do -- Mr. BROKAW's GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN will not have to live in a ghetto -- as to make us scorn your objectivity, your writing, your devotion to the human race, and your SANITY.
Or to quote the worn-out line attributed to Shaw: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH."
Savvy news consumers are certain of two things:
• The press is biased. Most often we hear that the press has a liberal bias. Those who are dismayed by the gobbling up of news organizations by ever-larger conglomerates are convinced the press has a conservative bias.
Translation: Since the press is conservatively AND liberally biased, it cancels out. Sorry CHUMP, just because the Times and NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are both biased doesn't negate the overwhelming LIBERAL bias in your biz. GET IT? LIBERAL.
• The press's only concern is the bottom line. Editors therefore use two criteria to judge the newsworthiness of a story or photo: Will it sell papers? Will it make their advertisers happy?
How do I know THIS is actually TRUE: Simple: 1. GanNETt and SOB; 2. The "news"weeklies and People rag; 3. Real-estate sections; and 4. YOUR ENDLESS SHOW-BIZ PR.
As for the bottom line:
...[S]ince so little of the money being raked in by the media moguls trickles down to the newsroom, it is hard to fathom why journalists would devote themselves to making their employers rich.
Hey CHUMP, maybe the AVERAGE news hack doesn't rake in big bucks, but enough of you do -- Mr. BROKAW's GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN will not have to live in a ghetto -- as to make us scorn your objectivity, your writing, your devotion to the human race, and your SANITY.
Or to quote the worn-out line attributed to Shaw: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, TEACH."
WELL, Mr. Personality takes over from Tom a little sooner than people thought.
What will the Ossified Three be without him?
And MESS.com got the news from The Reut. I like that too.
What will the Ossified Three be without him?
And MESS.com got the news from The Reut. I like that too.
No, I DEFINITELY think it won't hurt relations.
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK!!!!!
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK
CLUCKCLUCKCLUCKCLUCK!!!!!
Canadians Turn Out for Laughter Classes
They need them, given their lack of a sense of humor.
P. S. I know all about SCTV, and that was twenty years ago.
They need them, given their lack of a sense of humor.
P. S. I know all about SCTV, and that was twenty years ago.
Spain hopes Iraq pullout won't hurt U.S. ties
Sure.
“We’re not washing our hands” of the situation, Moratinos said in an interview Monday in the El Pais newspaper.
SURE.
Sure.
“We’re not washing our hands” of the situation, Moratinos said in an interview Monday in the El Pais newspaper.
SURE.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hamas Vows Revenge but It May Be Too Weakened to Follow Through
I'm so -- SAD!! (sniff sniff)
When virtually the WHOLE WORLD condemns a DEFENSIVE ACT against TERRORISTS you know the guilty party has done a good thing.
I'm so -- SAD!! (sniff sniff)
When virtually the WHOLE WORLD condemns a DEFENSIVE ACT against TERRORISTS you know the guilty party has done a good thing.
SUPERHOOPER SAYS DUBYA PULLED THE TRIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hoop, every time you say something like that you call attention to the STONE-COLD SILENCE of your group to acts of ISLAMIC terror against US. SHUT UP, SUPERHOOPER.
Hoop, every time you say something like that you call attention to the STONE-COLD SILENCE of your group to acts of ISLAMIC terror against US. SHUT UP, SUPERHOOPER.
Now that P. R. MEL has disappeared from the BEEEEEEEEOHHHHHHHHH charts, so have the audiences -- AS BEFORE.
You'd better hope your blockbusters work, IMMORTAL JACK. God knows your CONSPIRACY should get its BLOCKS BUSTED.
You'd better hope your blockbusters work, IMMORTAL JACK. God knows your CONSPIRACY should get its BLOCKS BUSTED.
For the fourth time in six years, Teton County -- gateway to Yellowstone National Park and home to the likes of Vice President Dick Cheney -- is the wealthiest in America.
Something else MILLIONAIRE NEWS HACKS can hold against him!
Something else MILLIONAIRE NEWS HACKS can hold against him!
And in ANOTHER THINKER POSE:
For them, the mystery isn't what Disney should do with [Mickey Mouse]; it's why he lasted so long with nothing left to say.
But then you could opine that about...never mind.
For them, the mystery isn't what Disney should do with [Mickey Mouse]; it's why he lasted so long with nothing left to say.
But then you could opine that about...never mind.
The good movies may be doing just fine — they may even be better than ever....
Another BLURBMEISTER confirms what I've said ALL ALONG. And he's IDIOTIC enough to state this in the FIRST GRAF -- no bother reading further.
Another BLURBMEISTER confirms what I've said ALL ALONG. And he's IDIOTIC enough to state this in the FIRST GRAF -- no bother reading further.
TIME [SIC] Magazine on Sunday published its list of the 100 "World's Most Influential People,'' including President Bush, who it called "a radical gambler.''...
The Dalai Lama, made the "Heroes and Icons'' list. So did golfer Tiger Woods and soccer star David Beckham -- along with California's new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. [FIRST and LAST grafs.]
Gotta repeat something -- AGAIN:
...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are:
1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking.
2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative.
3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists.
4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists.
5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind.
Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid.
P. S. AND:
Peter Jackson, director of the film epic "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,'' and J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, were listed as "Artists and Entertainers.''
I have NO idea why THEY'RE there. Do YOU, STERNO?!?!?
And a SPECIAL THANKS to the REUT, which apparently ran a PRESS RELEASE as NEWS -- witness that "Time" is CAPITALIZED THREE TIMES in the story.
The Dalai Lama, made the "Heroes and Icons'' list. So did golfer Tiger Woods and soccer star David Beckham -- along with California's new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. [FIRST and LAST grafs.]
Gotta repeat something -- AGAIN:
...[T]here are many reasons for the rise of The List. The top five reasons are:
1) Lists are the easiest way to organize information without actually thinking.
2) Magazine editors are too lazy to think of anything more creative.
3) Magazine editors figure their readers are too lazy to read anything but lists.
4) Magazine readers really are too lazy to read anything but lists.
5) David Letterman's Top Ten lists have warped everybody's mind.
Most magazine lists are, needless to say, totally stupid.
P. S. AND:
Peter Jackson, director of the film epic "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King,'' and J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, were listed as "Artists and Entertainers.''
I have NO idea why THEY'RE there. Do YOU, STERNO?!?!?
And a SPECIAL THANKS to the REUT, which apparently ran a PRESS RELEASE as NEWS -- witness that "Time" is CAPITALIZED THREE TIMES in the story.
Jackson Asked to Help Free U.S. Captive
And while you're at it, Je$$e, could you help free Saddam Hussein?
And while you're at it, Je$$e, could you help free Saddam Hussein?
More tone-deafness from CURLEY's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges:
Gay Republicans Say Its [SIC] Hard to Back Bush
I could say something about the fifth word, but the FOURTH is bad enough.
Gay Republicans Say Its [SIC] Hard to Back Bush
I could say something about the fifth word, but the FOURTH is bad enough.
NEWS HACKS have finally found this story -- in hopes the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL GOP SELF-DESTRUCTS!!!!! Whether this is PAT!!!!! and his protest vote in New Hampshire remains to be seen, but the mushy wimpy status quo has been warned.
It's amazing what you can learn from those computers at Google News. For instance, I've learned the problem with THE MEDIA isn't indecency -- it's CONCENTRATION (a code word for all them EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL LOWSY MAYS REPUBLICANS, who are EEEEEEEEEEEVIL because they're REPUBLICANS). I also learned that while HOWIE is "leering, infantile, sexually perverse," he's also a "CIVIL LIBERTARIAN!!!!!!!!!!"
I learned one other thing. Most NEWS HACKS and EXPERTS put their brains in safe-deposit boxes before writing.
I learned one other thing. Most NEWS HACKS and EXPERTS put their brains in safe-deposit boxes before writing.
Saturday, April 17, 2004
What other leaders of the world are thinking:
At the heart of our multilateral cooperation, the United Nations brings together the nations of the world in the service of international peace and security. All of us here are committed to the United Nations, and show that by our efforts to fulfill its purposes and give real meaning to the provisions of its Charter. By doing this, we recognize obligations that stand above individual people and SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX....
At the heart of our multilateral cooperation, the United Nations brings together the nations of the world in the service of international peace and security. All of us here are committed to the United Nations, and show that by our efforts to fulfill its purposes and give real meaning to the provisions of its Charter. By doing this, we recognize obligations that stand above individual people and SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX....
Professor: Sharon 'taking confrontation to new level'
And what has this PERFESSER said before?
"PRINCIPLES LIKE HUMAN RIGHTS AND THE RULE OF LAW WERE SACRIFICED AT THE ALTAR OF AMERICA'S REAL POLITICAL INTERESTS, THAT IS, MAINTAINING RELATIONS WITH AUTOCRATIC REGIMES!!!"
"[AMERICAN COMPANIES] PROVIDED SADDAM HUSSEIN WITH THE BIOLOGICAL AND CHEMICAL TOOLS WHICH ENABLED HIM TO DEVELOP THESE DEADLY WEAPONS IN THE FIRST PLACE AND USE THEM AGAINST HIS OWN PEOPLE!!!!!"
"AMERICA SHARES A HEAVY BURDEN IN HUSSEIN'S BLOODY LEGACY!!!!!!!!"
And here's a golden oldie from before 9/11:
"[OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS] EXCEPTIONALLY ISOLATED [AND] PREOCCUPIED MAINLY WITH SURVIVAL, NOT ATTACKING AMERICAN TARGETS!!!!!!!!!!"
See, Time Warner BAD Cable News and WORSE Interview Service, only companies and rich people own computers. Nobody else could EVER find out what this MAROON's said.
And what has this PERFESSER said before?
"PRINCIPLES LIKE HUMAN RIGHTS AND THE RULE OF LAW WERE SACRIFICED AT THE ALTAR OF AMERICA'S REAL POLITICAL INTERESTS, THAT IS, MAINTAINING RELATIONS WITH AUTOCRATIC REGIMES!!!"
"[AMERICAN COMPANIES] PROVIDED SADDAM HUSSEIN WITH THE BIOLOGICAL AND CHEMICAL TOOLS WHICH ENABLED HIM TO DEVELOP THESE DEADLY WEAPONS IN THE FIRST PLACE AND USE THEM AGAINST HIS OWN PEOPLE!!!!!"
"AMERICA SHARES A HEAVY BURDEN IN HUSSEIN'S BLOODY LEGACY!!!!!!!!"
And here's a golden oldie from before 9/11:
"[OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS] EXCEPTIONALLY ISOLATED [AND] PREOCCUPIED MAINLY WITH SURVIVAL, NOT ATTACKING AMERICAN TARGETS!!!!!!!!!!"
See, Time Warner BAD Cable News and WORSE Interview Service, only companies and rich people own computers. Nobody else could EVER find out what this MAROON's said.
More MTV-inspired cruelty to animals.
I can imagine the scene when SUMNER meets St. Francis of Assisi -- assuming, that is, that SUMNER IS MORTAL.
I can imagine the scene when SUMNER meets St. Francis of Assisi -- assuming, that is, that SUMNER IS MORTAL.
Jon Sinton, president of the recently launched liberal talk network Air America Radio, said his on-air performers were told to "just remember you're guests in people's homes, you're guests in people's automobiles."
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
The GREAT AND POWERFUL JOEPA "suspends" two players -- "through the summer."
Translation: Better luck next time.
Still think your team should dress in WHITE, JoePa?
P. S. Hey Knight Ridder! This sure IS a horse race -- to see who can amass the longest rap sheet!
Translation: Better luck next time.
Still think your team should dress in WHITE, JoePa?
P. S. Hey Knight Ridder! This sure IS a horse race -- to see who can amass the longest rap sheet!
Guess which highly-decorated low-flying fog formation didn't want to go to war?
I THINK WE HAVE DIPPITY-DO'S VICE PRESIDENT!!!!!
I THINK WE HAVE DIPPITY-DO'S VICE PRESIDENT!!!!!
Unsung Heroes of Football Honored at NFL Players Gridiron Gala
You mean we taxpayers who finance your quadrillion-dollar Taj Mahals? Aw shucks, it was nothing.
You mean we taxpayers who finance your quadrillion-dollar Taj Mahals? Aw shucks, it was nothing.
Bush, Kerry TV Ad Spending Rises to $90M
Will you stop laughing, GEORGE WILL?????
To think the cretins of political advertising help fund his zillion-dollar salaries.
Will you stop laughing, GEORGE WILL?????
To think the cretins of political advertising help fund his zillion-dollar salaries.
Friday, April 16, 2004
OOOOOOOOOOH, one of OKAY's scribbler-editors lets SOB have it for being INSUFFICIENTLY WORSHIPFUL TO THE GOD OF HWWWALTER CRRRONKITE.
Let's have a civil war in the news biz!!!!!
Let's have a civil war in the news biz!!!!!
When someone at an airport is sweating, is it because he's running late or trying to hide something? Could hand signals between people in a terminal be part of an inside joke or a terror plot?
SO, when granny sweats, or that junior executive is running to his plane trying to "hide" his electronic organizer, or when dad high-fives his son, that's a sure sign of TERRORISM.
And because NEWS HACKS RULE THE WORLD air marshals can't look for obvious signs like -- whoops! Can't be RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC.
SO, when granny sweats, or that junior executive is running to his plane trying to "hide" his electronic organizer, or when dad high-fives his son, that's a sure sign of TERRORISM.
And because NEWS HACKS RULE THE WORLD air marshals can't look for obvious signs like -- whoops! Can't be RACISTSEXISTHOMOPHOBIC.
WELL well, looks like the prestiDIGITation in accounting hasn't ended YET.
Not that we'd EVER expect it to.
Not that we'd EVER expect it to.
It has come to this: one of CURLEY's "Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!" Stooges invokes the Eighth Amendment in a film "review."
By that standard TODAY'S MOVIES ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
By that standard TODAY'S MOVIES ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
I'm at 1,000 HITS on SITE METER! HOORAY!!!!!
Twenty of them were mine from early on, but I'll take them.
Sixteen millenia before I catch up with PROF.
Twenty of them were mine from early on, but I'll take them.
Sixteen millenia before I catch up with PROF.
SOB tops himself:
When big-time blunders occur in any workplace, the boss or bosses usually are at fault. Not clerks or secretaries or salespeople. Not reporters. The buck stops with the boss.
And how many clerks and secretaries did you trash when YOU ran the show, SOB? I notice too you mention salespeople. USA Okay has always been about selling the "news" with a HARD sell, especially entertainment "news." And I'd bet you were chummier with your ad salespeople than you were with the newsroom. After all, a newspaper makes money from ADS, not STORIES.
Here I think SOB's full of it, and then he overflows. SOB and JAYSON are two reasons the NEWS BIZ smells like DISCARDED FISH WRAP.
When big-time blunders occur in any workplace, the boss or bosses usually are at fault. Not clerks or secretaries or salespeople. Not reporters. The buck stops with the boss.
And how many clerks and secretaries did you trash when YOU ran the show, SOB? I notice too you mention salespeople. USA Okay has always been about selling the "news" with a HARD sell, especially entertainment "news." And I'd bet you were chummier with your ad salespeople than you were with the newsroom. After all, a newspaper makes money from ADS, not STORIES.
Here I think SOB's full of it, and then he overflows. SOB and JAYSON are two reasons the NEWS BIZ smells like DISCARDED FISH WRAP.
ZAP the POLLO is out to prove he can FIGHT TERRORISM and cackle YANQUI GO HOME! at the same time!
And check out the last grafs! He's as PC as NEWS HACKS! In time they'll be screaming that HERE IS EUROPE'S GREATEST LEADER EVER!
And check out the last grafs! He's as PC as NEWS HACKS! In time they'll be screaming that HERE IS EUROPE'S GREATEST LEADER EVER!
Another NEWS HACK attempts SATIRE, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
Will someone ask these scribblers HOW IN HELL CAN THEY WRITE SATIRE IF THEY CAN'T WRITE?
Will someone ask these scribblers HOW IN HELL CAN THEY WRITE SATIRE IF THEY CAN'T WRITE?
The nice thing about working for the DNC is often you can do it anonymously, and no one even asks a question about it.
IF NEWS HACKS ARE EVER TO STEP BEYOND JAYSON THEY MUST STOP THE PRACTICE OF NO-BYLINING. LET THESE CAMPAIGN FLACKS FACE THE LIGHT OF DAY LIKE THE PEOPLE THEY SPIN FOR.
IF NEWS HACKS ARE EVER TO STEP BEYOND JAYSON THEY MUST STOP THE PRACTICE OF NO-BYLINING. LET THESE CAMPAIGN FLACKS FACE THE LIGHT OF DAY LIKE THE PEOPLE THEY SPIN FOR.
What was that stoopid line in Lenny Bernstein's Mass -- "I'll believe in three gods if they believe in me"? Too many preachers seem willing to believe in ANY god, and they don't even ask for the favor back.
Hey GLIBERAL, you who boasted how the porno -- ADULT film industry does zillions and zillions and zillions and ZILLIONS of DOLLARS in business, ever onward and upward (and inward and outward, and like that) -- WELL, here's another reason for it to ACHIEVE BREATHTAKING NEW HEIGHTS IN THE CULTURAL STRATOSPHERE!!!!!
Don't you think a right to por -- ADULT MOVIES ought to be in the Dems' platform this year, Glib?
Don't you think a right to por -- ADULT MOVIES ought to be in the Dems' platform this year, Glib?
Of course that last story appears at the top of the International page, not the U. S. of A. page, but you'll NEVER guess which overcoiffed, undermoneyed tycoon is there -- never in A MILLION YEARS.
I think we can say our local garden-variety NEWS HACKS stink.
I think we can say our local garden-variety NEWS HACKS stink.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Kellogg's has sold fatty sugary cereals on Saturday mornings for DECADES, and NOW the AD INDUSTRY'S TOOTHLESS WATCHDOG gets in a FUROR over P&G SELLING PRINGLES TO KIDS?!?!?
If this doesn't confirm that the media's brains are where most's people's behinds are, nothing does.
If this doesn't confirm that the media's brains are where most's people's behinds are, nothing does.
More bad news for the defenders of truth, justice and T&A jokes! ANHEUSER-BUSCH IS TONING DOWN ITS ACT!!!!!
It's about TIME, BEERHEADS.
It's about TIME, BEERHEADS.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooh! Dubya oughta quake in his COWBOY BOOTS! HOWIE'S FIXED HIS WEB SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a man who brought bad adolescent dirty jokes to radio it sure looks a lot like TedKoppel.com, or DanRather.com -- take out the girls and it's totally bereft of humor. I thought the schtick of your show was "a good time!" Yeah, a good time fomenting a headache. And all the millions and millions and millions who will vote for DIPPITY-DO! because SAM BROWNBACK WANTS TO TAKE THEIR EENIE-WEENIE-PEENIE JOKES AWAY!!!!! -- and a good many of these jerks under voting age, and mostly MALE, which leaves dummies, as Howie is hardly what is called "office-safe," unless your office is in a red-light district. Rush could energize his listeners because he was a new force, and conservatives could say they'd been marginalized in and out of government -- and besides, you didn't have to listen to the show in a brown paper bag. A man who makes zillions working for the underboss of a $40 billion media crime family and who has a cadre of unthinking fans (in both senses) is hardly neglected. The abject failure of ErrAmerica despite megatons of PR points to the lack of a liberal listenership for talk radio. As for glibertarians, many of them are busy masturbating on the Web. No Howie, you can talk about the First Amendment until your hundreds of checkbooks cry for mercy, but in the end, your show is all about the size of a porn star's TITS. (Sorry for the language, but that it is.)
For a man who brought bad adolescent dirty jokes to radio it sure looks a lot like TedKoppel.com, or DanRather.com -- take out the girls and it's totally bereft of humor. I thought the schtick of your show was "a good time!" Yeah, a good time fomenting a headache. And all the millions and millions and millions who will vote for DIPPITY-DO! because SAM BROWNBACK WANTS TO TAKE THEIR EENIE-WEENIE-PEENIE JOKES AWAY!!!!! -- and a good many of these jerks under voting age, and mostly MALE, which leaves dummies, as Howie is hardly what is called "office-safe," unless your office is in a red-light district. Rush could energize his listeners because he was a new force, and conservatives could say they'd been marginalized in and out of government -- and besides, you didn't have to listen to the show in a brown paper bag. A man who makes zillions working for the underboss of a $40 billion media crime family and who has a cadre of unthinking fans (in both senses) is hardly neglected. The abject failure of ErrAmerica despite megatons of PR points to the lack of a liberal listenership for talk radio. As for glibertarians, many of them are busy masturbating on the Web. No Howie, you can talk about the First Amendment until your hundreds of checkbooks cry for mercy, but in the end, your show is all about the size of a porn star's TITS. (Sorry for the language, but that it is.)
The IMBECILE SOB is "ripping" OKAY for getting itself into SCANDAL.
OH. And you didn't hire the guy? And you would have done things different had this happened under YOU? And YOUR culture of SPIN and SELL such as had NEVER existed before in all NEWSHACKDOM didn't contribute to this?
SHUT UP, SOB!!!!!
OH. And you didn't hire the guy? And you would have done things different had this happened under YOU? And YOUR culture of SPIN and SELL such as had NEVER existed before in all NEWSHACKDOM didn't contribute to this?
SHUT UP, SOB!!!!!
That last story made the top of the International page, but guess which overcoiffed undermoneyed TYCOON made the top of the U. S. of A. page?
Iran tries to resolve dispute with radical cleric
1. Why all of a sudden do the Mad Mullahs want to do us a favor? and 2. Isn't that like the proverbial gasoline on the proverbial fire?
1. Why all of a sudden do the Mad Mullahs want to do us a favor? and 2. Isn't that like the proverbial gasoline on the proverbial fire?