Posted 8:46 PM by Gene

AOL earns $2 million a year on "Happy Birthday to You." Or as Trent Lott said in his insufferable burbling-jackass baritone, as he clinked champagne glasses with Jack and Hilary upon the Supremes' decision, "Well ahumahuhuh, eiyt wuz the least Ah could deoo for mah -- for mah friends. Copahright should be indefinite mahnus a day, yeew said eiyt, Jayack! And as Ah've always told the crook -- Ah mean, mah feallow Seaynators -- eiyn the lobbyists' -- Ah mean, the Seaynators' cloakroom (Ah did a lot o' greasin' o' the skids for you folks, and sometahms yeew cain't tell a lobbyist frum a Seaynator, raht Jayack? Yeew could be thahyt ol' idi -- the distinguished Praysidaynt Pro Tempoor Emayritus from Wayst Virgeenia. He's a fraynd o' Ceecero, 'n' so're yeew! Ah just hope we wouldn't hayf to beeld yeew a million-dollar eendoor aouthause so he c'n -- Ah mean, Ah hope we can show yeew sum respeayct teoo, when yeew geayt eiyn hees position. But Ah gotta say when yeew helped me ayout with mah expens -- weith helpin' to represaynt the people of mah beloved state o' Meissiseippi, they shooor did gayt greasier, eiyf y'know whut Ah mean), but lahk Ah was sayin', and yeew believe theis too Jayack -- and Heelary, whut's good for AOL eiys good for America. Ayn' lemme tellya somethin': Fayfteen yeears frum naow, eiyf Ah'm steel here -- Ah figure eiyf thahyt ol' coot -- Ah mean, thahyt ol' bugger -- er, the old bas -- uh, who cost me mah majoh -- Ah mean, the retahred distinguished former Seenior Seaynator frum Sayouth Cayrolahna (lotta good thahyt favor deid, thahyt moldy ol'), c'n serve till he needed four nig -- four assaystants to carry heim eiynto the Seaynate chamber eiyn a handchayr, and they hayd to raise his daymfool -- ah mean, heays hand ever' tahm to vote, SO CAYN AH! -- Weall, fayfteen yeears frum naow, mark mah words people, Ah'm gonna make AOL even better! You'll still be here woncha Jayack? All RAHHHHT!! Pass me thahyt bribe -- Ah mean, thuh whores dervers, if you would Heelary?"

Thanks again, Mr. Chairman of the Rules Committee.