THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Posted
7:52 PM
by Gene
Get me rewrite:
Bush won praise from Bono....
Yep, you could say he's been a pretty good president, Fareed!
JonBoy! Trying for 2 million?
Posted
7:25 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:58 PM
by Gene
Posted
2:48 PM
by Gene
BECAUSE GE BANCORP CAN TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO!!
And OKAY, Little Jeffy, we KNOW, you'll never stop BOASTING, but to spend $1 billion for a ten percent profit still seems a bit much.
Posted
10:59 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:57 AM
by Gene
Count on the League of Nations to pat China on the back.
Posted
10:24 AM
by Gene
Well! Something interesting finally emerges from this story -- a name!
Posted
10:15 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:13 AM
by Gene
President who? Of what country?
Posted
5:56 PM
by Gene
In a shocking update, The National Enquirer is reporting today that not only do John Edwards and Rielle Hunter have a "love child," their secret baby has two heads and may have been produced when the couple was kidnapped by aliens last year and taken to a UFO in the backwoods of North Carolina.
The tabloid says it has obtained proof, in the form of pictures of the baby, who reportedly has unusually large googly eyes. But the paper has not yet released the pictures. It promises "updates."
Edwards and Hunter have not denied the story, lending credence to the report. The fact that the bombshell emerged with the release of the new X-Files movie also adds to its credibility, some claim.
Charges from conservatives and blogosphere that the press has a double standard in not reporting on the "love child" are sure to now grow. Some have already pointed to the massive coverage of Sen. Larry Craig's scandal last year -- and he doesn't even have any children with an alien pedigree (although it has been said that Craig himself often let his own "second head" lead him astray).
The Los Angeles Times has ordered its bloggers to ignore the bombshell, proving the media conspiracy. Slate has covered it but says it stands ready to apologize if it doesn't pan out.
The alien visitation was allegedly arranged by a mutual friend of Edwards, Hunter and the visitors.
Edwards' aides are reportedly "spitting mad and furious" about the revelation. It is certain to doom his chance for the vice-presidential nod on an Obama ticket.
Now that HUFFPO has taken GREG's hilarity down I thought I'd look for it. I found it.
P. S. We have not commented on this sad state of -- affairs but will now: with that combing we are not surprised.
Posted
5:47 PM
by Gene
Or is it, like the Republicans, running on fumes?
Posted
5:23 PM
by Gene
Back to the laboratory.
PR BS P. S.
About 2.3 billion television viewers are tuning in for the start of China's first Olympics, more than the record 1.3 billion that watched the 2006 soccer World Cup final in Berlin, according to MindShare, a unit of WPP Group Plc. The ceremony isn't being broadcast live in the U.S. [Emphasis added]
AND WHO DO YOUR VACATIONING-CEO-HEADED CLIENTS INCLUDE?
LENOVO, FOR ONE. (Although in fairness ITS CEO may NOT be vacationing.)
JOHNSON & JOHNSON, FOR TWO.
MICKEY D, FOR THREE.
VISA, FOR FOUR.
Although it lost SAMSUNG and COKE, SHUCKS.
Posted
11:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:28 AM
by Gene
Just how bad are the acts at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival? The Guardian can tell you -- in posters!
Posted
10:21 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
"We want to be very conservative with this," committee chairman Michael Adams said of the beer ads. "Though we don't think this type of advertising is appropriate (for college sports), we have tried this once before in this country and it didn't work very well."
Hey stupid, no one's asking for a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO BAN BEER ADS.
(Via Chronicle.com)
Posted
9:20 AM
by Gene
We wouldn't say anything except it might give the non-speculators ideas.
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
One way of sharpening the debate -- to remind people the Dems were once the party of states' rights and slavery.
Posted
8:23 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:43 PM
by Gene
We thought He had this settled!
Posted
7:05 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:44 PM
by Gene
Is Dubya running for president, or merely for the history books?
That's the great thing about Dubya: for months, for years he says he won't do something, and then he does it. How America has survived that proverbial empty suit in the White House is beyond us. What's one more empty suit in The Lord?
Posted
1:46 PM
by Gene
...IBM and its partners said there's market demand for less expensive PCs than those that ship with the Windows operating system and Microsoft's Office suite of applications. The four companies see Vista, the latest version of Windows, as opening the door for OS rivals.
Among the complaints of Vista is that it requires more powerful computers than those running XP, the previous version of Windows. As a result, many businesses have delayed upgrading to Vista until the end of their hardware life cycle.
IBM said this gives it and the Linux distributors the opportunity to work with hardware partners to offer PCs preloaded with Linux and IBM's Open Collaboration Client Solution, which includes Lotus Notes, Lotus Symphony, and Lotus Sametime.
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
Posted
1:36 PM
by Gene
So that's what you learned at The Paper of Re-CORD, huh Waxy?
Posted
1:22 PM
by Gene
"That's what they did with John Kerry," Schumer said, adding, "I would have been a little tougher."
Okay, Sen. Pepe lePew, YOU'RE AN EFFETE NOSE-IN THE-AIR FAUX-FRENCH NIXONIAN OVERCOIFFED ZILLIONAIRE SNOB!!
How's that for toughness, Red-Light?
Posted
9:05 AM
by Gene
(Via USAOKAY.com's On Deadline)
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Hollywood Seems to Show Vulnerability to Recession
OR:
POLL: MOVIEGOERS FLOCK TO 'R'-RATED COMEDIES WITH GRAPHIC HUMOR!!!!!!!!!! [Home-page link; Hooray-for-Hollywood overemphasis added]
Well that's EASY: it's the LATTER. The first one appears to be a legitimate poll (to the extent polls are legitimate); the second one's likely a self-selected junk poll from a ticket-selling site aimed at fanboys. The first has news bad for show-biz (and by extension bad for news hacks); the second one is good good good! Stories like these are so easy to choose between it's no wonder that not only do the hacks have a rep lower than used-car dealers, but show-biz news has a rep somewhere between the earth's crust and the gates of Hell.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO CARL AND YAHOO! NEWS!
P. S. HEY CARL!! MAYBE IT'S NOT SUCH SUPERDUPERWONDERFUL NEWS AFTER ALL!!!!!
(First and third links via ArtsJournal)
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:54 PM
by Gene
Distraction? What distraction?
Posted
6:57 PM
by Gene
Before we neglect this, one half of the schmaltzy pop piano duo of Ferrante and Teicher has died, and lest anyone call that adjective an insult we note that Harry James was denigrated as schmaltzy, and what's more, their biggest hit was a 1960 revival of Charles Williams's "Jealous Lover", aka "Theme from The Apartment" (aka "The Key to Love" for the film sheet music), and it was memorable, glorious schmaltz, the sort that gave pop music flavor before it became all noise and attitude; and no one should denigrate the masses who made it a hit, for they were on to something.
And no, we didn't use that cover art to make fun of them; once upon a time pop had an intentional sense of humor.
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
Honest these restaurateurs don't deserve the time of day on a Coca-Cola clock but no franchised outfit discusses its business matters so furiously in public.
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
(Extra sentence, baby talk and day-care-center overemphasis added)
Posted
11:03 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:50 AM
by Gene
(Via the usual Romy)
Posted
8:34 AM
by Gene
Surprising as it may be to hear a member of the Shah's deposed regime support the stance of the Islamic Republic in a confrontation with the West, there is widespread concern among Iran experts that the current Western strategy of demanding that Iran forego the right to enrich uranium has created a diplomatic dead end.
How many STROBES will work for the LORD?
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Why is it death-penalty opponents, however justified, always sound so self-righteous?
Posted
8:28 AM
by Gene
Is that POSSIBLE?
Posted
8:24 AM
by Gene
Facebook may mark something of a turning point in Silicon Valley. Top-tier startups may allow employees to sell some of their stock privately, if the prospect of an IPO remains remote.
Fuel the fire!
Posted
8:22 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:19 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO NON!
(And an honorary Neuharthism award to ArtsJournal, which HAD to link to this)
Posted
8:14 AM
by Gene
Posted
5:54 PM
by Gene
Why I do not trust liberal Democrats: they wouldn't drill for one drop, PERIOD.
Yes, Kevin, any piece of -- legislation Dubya proposes will be a "horrible kludge". But I can't wait for the Lord and His disciples in Congress to pull a few kludges of Their own.
Posted
3:45 PM
by Gene
MORE DEVELOPMENTS: Sales growth in China, Russia and other developing markets was strong, and they now account for 30 percent of the company's business.
So -- when does MOON start boasting that it's...an international company?
Posted
1:55 PM
by Gene
Which, if we know Dubya's Every Child a Dilbert Act, means a gentleman's A.
Posted
1:46 PM
by Gene
...despite the UK being slightly different from China -- although we suspect most of the OLYMPIC® PARTNERS™ would hardly know the difference.
Posted
1:42 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:39 PM
by Gene
Archer Daniels Midland profit down 61 pct. in 4Q
Posted
1:18 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:16 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:12 PM
by Gene
The GOOD news: It can't finance JUNK TV AND RADIO!
(Via IWantMedia)
Posted
1:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:07 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:46 PM
by Gene
Hmmm, you don't think Dubya's Every Child a Dilbert Act -- naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Posted
7:28 PM
by Gene
Posted
7:21 PM
by Gene
How apt too that the company is closing as many stores as it bought from Federated. Retailing often makes no sense along with its no cents.
Posted
11:04 AM
by Gene
Brilliant investment, Carl! That's worth less than one of its homes!
Posted
9:04 AM
by Gene
Yes, if success is hubris and intelligence is snobbery.
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
Thanks for forcing us to pay attention to every little thing that happens, GEKKOS.
Posted
9:00 AM
by Gene
The biggest increase in prices in almost three decades eroded consumers' buying power in June, diminishing the boost from the government's tax rebates.
Posted
8:53 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:32 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:09 AM
by Gene
Alexander Solzhenitsyn has died. We are not familiar with his works, only his legacy, which speaks for itself for all time: the voice of Russia, and the voice of Conscience; the voice that exposed the Gulag, the voice that exposed the depthless evil of Soviet Communism. He was the bedrock to the cause of the dissidents and by his example set up John Paul II's courageous fight against the Communists in Poland. Back in 1978, in the thing that resonates with us, he delivered a commencement address at Harvard in which he prophetically spoke (in several senses) of the softness of the West against the Soviet menace. The hacks focused (as little minds will) on what he said about rock music and called him a reactionary old fogy and all that jazz, which showed their excellence of character; but we paid the price the following year for our mental softness, and again twenty-three years later, and because we didn't listen to such a voice of authority. In his last years he became almost a joke, but that was because he won his fight against Soviet evil, a fight he won through the strength of his pen, and his guts, and if a low-grade criminal malice has replaced it we at least know Belly Kisser is no Stalin, whatever his boasts. Heck even he mourned him. Only Solzhenitsyn's undying example, and the memories of the unspeakable privations of his people, can keep Russia from backtracking into evil.
We see The Paper of Re-CORD's Web site has give him a tiny little box of his own on the home page, which means, needless to say, he did a lot of good.
Posted
8:01 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:14 PM
by Gene
The Lord God made microbes, and the Lord God made dinosaurs, and the Lord God made lots of creatures in between. This snake (!) is surely one of His more interesting ones.
We should never forget we live on earth as His guests.
Posted
4:21 PM
by Gene
1. No no no no no no no no NO! Four of the biggest members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers have cut their JUNK TV spending for the latest quarter -- by up to DOUBLE DIGITS? NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! We'd guess it's either STRATEGY (a word CEOs love to use when justifying why they're worth nine digits), or the economy -- or maybe, just MAYBE, financing JUNK TELEVISION earns them more ENEMIES than FRIENDS.
We see too that Moon 'n' Stars has boosted its Web spending -- and while that may mean financing JUNK TV in a DIFFERENT VENUE, it may also mean a slight boost in sense at the Puzzle Palace on the Ohio.
2. Whoops: I'd say the Big Double-A-Scribble pulled a FAST ONE on us -- three other members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers upped their spending! HOWEVER, if we read between the lines this MAY be concentrated in the "channel", and in the stores, which seems to us the best place to get a customer, rather than by reminding him for the millionth instance that CEOs who spend half their time schmoozing with stars in the name of advertising are among the most despicable.
3. Elsewhere the Big-Double-A insists companies go bankrupt because they STOP FINANCING JUNK TELEVISION. We can SEE why companies MUST put their faces before the public, but aren't there ways of doing it without this hip notion with the middle finger? And how much could outfits like Mervyns or Bennigan's showcase themselves in such intensely cookie-cutter businesses with problems of their own? And wasn't one of Sharper Image's conundrums the very effective marketing of Consumer Reports?
4. Big Double-A is also aghast because Moon 'n' Stars and its twin in Europe might change CEOs, which, whatever their current placeholders think, suggests such jobs are interchangeable, though their enormous perks and opportunities for malevolence are not.
5. Just So You Know, No One Paid for This Article
Sometimes, to paraphrase the late, great Hoagland Howard Carmichael, we wonder.
Posted
4:08 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:58 PM
by Gene
Holloway, now chairman of the Scottish Arts Council and a director of the Centre of Contemporary Arts in Glasgow, is well known for his support for feminist causes and gay rights.
NUF SAID.
Posted
1:20 PM
by Gene
(Slightly revised for clarity on 10/4/2008)
Posted
10:32 AM
by Gene
Is this more of the misery-loves-companies routine we've seen a bit too often these days?
Posted
10:08 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:58 AM
by Gene
That could put the energy firms in breach of European Union rules on price-setting.
Now if only we had a European Union....
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
Someone must alert GEKKO KUDLOW so he can write a column.
Posted
9:53 AM
by Gene
"When something looks decrepit, it looks like management doesn't care about their riders."
Posted
9:50 AM
by Gene
And apparently he isn't even related.
Posted
9:48 AM
by Gene
Better ask Coke about new formulas first.
Posted
9:38 AM
by Gene
Anyone for Elvis by year's end?
