THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thompson, a 20-year company veteran, has kept a low public profile since moving up from his old job as president of U.S. operations.
TRANSLATION: You can't get him out of the limo.
But as he stopped in South Africa last week to launch the company's global sponsorship of the FIFA World Cup....
Which ends JULY 11. Have a nice three-month vacation, DON!
TRANSLATION: You can't get him out of the limo.
But as he stopped in South Africa last week to launch the company's global sponsorship of the FIFA World Cup....
Which ends JULY 11. Have a nice three-month vacation, DON!
ABOUT JONATHAN STORM
MY SO-CALLED LIFE! SEINFELD!! THE SOPRANOS!!! BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!! SURVIVOR!!!!! I’LL FLY AWAY!!!!!! CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION!!!!!!! THE X-FILES!!!!!!!! NORTHERN EXPOSURE!!!!!!!!! ROSEANNE!!!!!!!!!! GILMORE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!! NYPD BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!! FRASIER!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLY MCBEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, IN THE MUCH-TOO-OVERLOOKED CATEGORY, AMERICAN DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE RICHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FLYING CONCHORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TV HAS GIVEN US WONDROUS FARE OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS, AND PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER TV CRITIC JONATHAN STORM HAS BEEN PAID TO WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Wondrous overemphasis added]
Alas it appears Jonny will still be paid to watch it, but he reminds us of one reason the VeryStinkyInky should have folded. News hacks love to drumbeat it into our dear little ears that they give us what we need. Too often however they give us what they think they deserve -- triumphal backscratching, epochal logrolling, immortal toadying, and the subsequent emblazoning of their names on the wall of glory. Never mind they can't strike a wet match with their prose. How fitting that I found this breathless (and most likely self-) congratulation amidst this ad, which should prove the VeryStinkyInky isn't worth the blogs it's printed on.
MY SO-CALLED LIFE! SEINFELD!! THE SOPRANOS!!! BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!! SURVIVOR!!!!! I’LL FLY AWAY!!!!!! CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION!!!!!!! THE X-FILES!!!!!!!! NORTHERN EXPOSURE!!!!!!!!! ROSEANNE!!!!!!!!!! GILMORE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!! NYPD BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!! FRASIER!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLY MCBEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND, IN THE MUCH-TOO-OVERLOOKED CATEGORY, AMERICAN DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE RICHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FLYING CONCHORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TV HAS GIVEN US WONDROUS FARE OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS, AND PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER TV CRITIC JONATHAN STORM HAS BEEN PAID TO WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Wondrous overemphasis added]
Alas it appears Jonny will still be paid to watch it, but he reminds us of one reason the VeryStinkyInky should have folded. News hacks love to drumbeat it into our dear little ears that they give us what we need. Too often however they give us what they think they deserve -- triumphal backscratching, epochal logrolling, immortal toadying, and the subsequent emblazoning of their names on the wall of glory. Never mind they can't strike a wet match with their prose. How fitting that I found this breathless (and most likely self-) congratulation amidst this ad, which should prove the VeryStinkyInky isn't worth the blogs it's printed on.
Friday, June 11, 2010
This ad makes us pine for the days when GCI was $3 a share.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO KITTY BEAN!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO KITTY BEAN!
And as BRANSON EAST prepares to cast its ballots for the best tourist trap of the season:
"Voters prefer lovable queens to angry black men."
No, BRANSON EAST will NEVER change.
"Voters prefer lovable queens to angry black men."
No, BRANSON EAST will NEVER change.
Elsewhere in Grate.com, the men who proclaimed His Omnipotence God, John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt have finally thrown in the paper napkin and conceded their Hero is among many, many other things a Terrible Tempered Mr. Bang who can't do anything right.
And still elsewhere in Grate.com, someone has proclaimed all His bowing and scraping a failure too.
Every four years we have tedious talk that finally fuutballllll -- SOCCER is going to excite the American throngs. And every four years we have tedious think pieces proclaiming it will never happen.
We say, the more things change...
We say, the more things change...
Getting back to the movee extrusion biz, it is appropriate that the summer's biggest comedy hit is the writing credits on The A-Team. This is like a Polish joke only Polish jokes usually don't cost $100 million and aren't accompanied with $50 million in advertising. But even in their finest hours of megalomania the pygmy kings of Hollywood can't laugh -- as witness this heavy thinking in SLIMEDOM as to whether A could be an ADULT movee:
Tom Rothman would never have allowed that. Rothman hates R-rated movies more than anything for box office reasons," a source reminds me.
I thought being better than your audience and excluding lots of them from the theaters was always a smash!
Tom Rothman would never have allowed that. Rothman hates R-rated movies more than anything for box office reasons," a source reminds me.
I thought being better than your audience and excluding lots of them from the theaters was always a smash!
We note that the CRYONIC MAYOR, fresh from two months in luxury boxes at the United Center, all but rushed with superhuman speed to the mike to proclaim His turnips won't have to pay a dime for today's coronation of the Blackhawks. As well he should. For every fan going into a Blutonian frenzy are three people who resent they have to pay to make good for mobs, and it behooves corporate America to sweep up their elephantine leavings -- although God knows how many tax breaks they'll take, or whether they've been outside of a luxury box in ages themselves.
In fairness, though, it appears the Chicago fans were well behaved, and we salute them for their good nature.
In fairness, though, it appears the Chicago fans were well behaved, and we salute them for their good nature.
It is better that SYNERGY Corliss write this way now than never (although he "effuses" over 2009 as though it were a magical golden age). Nonetheless if SYNERGY's principal occupation weren't bootlicking he could have seen this coming as far back as when he saw MICKEYMOUSE NIXON walking on water.
Richard Schickel, TIME's longest-serving film critic, once said about the challenge of reviewing Hollywood's summer product, "It's not that they're bad movies, it's that they're all the same bad movie."
We wonder why someone like DICK SCHICK keeps going; the movies retired long before he will.
Richard Schickel, TIME's longest-serving film critic, once said about the challenge of reviewing Hollywood's summer product, "It's not that they're bad movies, it's that they're all the same bad movie."
We wonder why someone like DICK SCHICK keeps going; the movies retired long before he will.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Isn't the situation with Mexico bad enough without loaded words like "intifada"?
I don't know if Beto's a hard-core Obamacrat but I blame the TWXSTERS, who have their own brand of foot stomping.
P. S. Beto's VERY LENGTHY Wiki entry doesn't mention his party affiliation, so I'd say he is. (He is.)
P. P. S. at 10:28 p. m. Somebody has since changed it.
P. P. P. S. on 6/13 at 11:52 a. m. You should know somebody was me. But somebody else unchanged it because I couldn't prove Beto is a Democrat. I posted another remark on his Wiki page and let the thing pass; to paraphrase LORD KOPPEL, changing a Wiki entry is like popping a pimple on an elephant's behind.
I don't know if Beto's a hard-core Obamacrat but I blame the TWXSTERS, who have their own brand of foot stomping.
P. S. Beto's VERY LENGTHY Wiki entry doesn't mention his party affiliation, so I'd say he is. (He is.)
P. P. S. at 10:28 p. m. Somebody has since changed it.
P. P. P. S. on 6/13 at 11:52 a. m. You should know somebody was me. But somebody else unchanged it because I couldn't prove Beto is a Democrat. I posted another remark on his Wiki page and let the thing pass; to paraphrase LORD KOPPEL, changing a Wiki entry is like popping a pimple on an elephant's behind.
The problem with little General Motors COMPANY trying to SUMNERIZE "Chevy" (i.e., create a cheap PR stunt for cheap exposure) is that for us taxpayer OWNERS it isn't so cheap.
Speaking of professional college football, with all these bruited mergers and acquisitions shouldn't Henry Kravis be involved?
When younuhversuhtee CEOs speak of "amateurism" they speak the same way Tony does of the environment.
When younuhversuhtee CEOs speak of "amateurism" they speak the same way Tony does of the environment.
The June 14 issue of The New Yorker, perhaps the premier showcase for American fiction, features a list of “20 Under 40” — that is, 20 accomplished writers under the age of 40. Many of the names are familiar: Joshua Ferris, Jonathan Safran Foer, Nell Freudenberger, Rivka Galchen, Nicole Krauss, Gary Shteyngart, ZZ Packer, Wells Tower.
Well all right, I've heard of one -- but mightn't the fact that most people have heard of zilch say these geniuses aren't as hot as their agents and the flacks in the literary revues claim?
"Premier showcase for American fiction" would earn this guy a job at USAOKAY!!!!! if he weren't talking boring overrated books.
Another clue that we won't lose much when The Paper of Re-CORD hides behind a pay wall.
(Via the usual AHTSJournal)
Well all right, I've heard of one -- but mightn't the fact that most people have heard of zilch say these geniuses aren't as hot as their agents and the flacks in the literary revues claim?
"Premier showcase for American fiction" would earn this guy a job at USAOKAY!!!!! if he weren't talking boring overrated books.
Another clue that we won't lose much when The Paper of Re-CORD hides behind a pay wall.
(Via the usual AHTSJournal)
TRANSLATION: That guy who looks like Phil Mickelson who's one of America's leading outsourcers to INJA is a low-level crook -- but because he'll make nice with the Feds he won't get hurt.
In a statement, Sam Nunn, presiding director of the Dell board said the company's independent directors "have affirmed that Michael Dell will continue to lead the company as its Chairman and CEO [Sic!], and he continues to have our complete confidence and support." [Emphasis added]
Old senators never die, they just find new money to leach off.
In a statement, Sam Nunn, presiding director of the Dell board said the company's independent directors "have affirmed that Michael Dell will continue to lead the company as its Chairman and CEO [Sic!], and he continues to have our complete confidence and support." [Emphasis added]
Old senators never die, they just find new money to leach off.
Oh, NO! Are we going to have more showoffy let's-flagellate-ourselves-so-we-can-do-as-we-please hand wringing from news hacks?
(Via MediaBistro)
(Via MediaBistro)
In USC's case, the committee said it also seriously considered imposing a television ban.
WHEW! Thank God that didn't happen. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
P. S.
The University of Southern California was stripped of football victories including its 2004 season national championship for what college sports’ governing body said were rules violations that “strike at the heart” of amateurism.
Wasn't that heart replaced a long time ago with a spleen -- or a gall bladder?
P. P. S. at 10:51 p. m. The time will come when that clothespin on Pete Carroll's nose starts to hurt.
WHEW! Thank God that didn't happen. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
P. S.
The University of Southern California was stripped of football victories including its 2004 season national championship for what college sports’ governing body said were rules violations that “strike at the heart” of amateurism.
Wasn't that heart replaced a long time ago with a spleen -- or a gall bladder?
P. P. S. at 10:51 p. m. The time will come when that clothespin on Pete Carroll's nose starts to hurt.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Alleged Harvard con artist also won admission to Stanford
Heck judging from his résumé he showed more ambition than most students.
Heck judging from his résumé he showed more ambition than most students.
Excellent news: Now Comic-CON has the right of first refusal over TV shows!
Let's burn MORE money, advertisers!
Let's burn MORE money, advertisers!
People are worried about the economy, and they should be. They have been told to expect a strong rebound from our deep recession. The usual pattern is that recoveries mirror the strength of the decline--the steeper the drop, the more vigorous the rebound. It isn't happening.
Tell THAT to two disciples of GEKKO "GOLDILOCKS" KUDLOW!!!!!
Tell THAT to two disciples of GEKKO "GOLDILOCKS" KUDLOW!!!!!
"Since their inception, the Zones have served sports fans very well," said an ESPN spokesman, who declined further comment. "But from a pure business perspective, the economics have been challenging."
TRANSLATION: ANOTHER MICKEYMOUSE NIXON innovation bites the dust.
TRANSLATION: ANOTHER MICKEYMOUSE NIXON innovation bites the dust.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
I'm not sure how many "Entertainment Writers" work for the ASSPress but given this lengthy account whatever the number it's TOO MANY.
Speaking of movies, it is wonderful news that so many lost silent films have been found, which raises the hope many more can be found, most likely in the lairs of the "eccentrics" who seemed to be the only people who cared for them.
One silent film can put a whole million-acre plot of TENTPOLES to shame.
That's Clara Bow and Ethel Shannon in Maytime, from 1923. "This film is presumed lost. Please check your attic." Checked!
P. S. The "It" Girl reminds us tentpoles aren't a recent thing. Back in 1924 an instructor at Brown named Percy Marks wrote a novel called The Plastic Age, chronicling the debauchery at a school not much unlike it; he was kicked off the campus even as the book became a best seller of the decade. The next year Miss Bow starred with Donald Keith in a film adaptation, alleged to be "wildly successful". Needless to say novel and film are completely forgotten. I've read the novel. In the words of THE MASTER, "It has not vitality enough to preserve it from putrefaction."
(First link via AHTSJournal)
Last year we imagined the DYNAMITE MEMORIAL committee could never top giving God a prize. On the contrary; it would be devilishly easy. Just give an award to THE FLOTILLA. See, THE FLOTILLA stands for the STRIVING OF MAN, the perennial David versus the towering Goliath, and all THE FLOTILLA wants is to live in PEACE, and PEACE is the DYNAMITE MEMORIAL AWARD's name, and...how 'bout it, Norwegians?
The only question is who from Hamas will accept.
The only question is who from Hamas will accept.
“On one hand, I always wish the movie business and the boxoffice well,” said Johnson. “On the other hand, something in me is happy that a number of the big movies right now aren’t succeeding. The audience is starting to say no.
“Because there are too many movies opening now that you know you’ve seen before. Even if you haven’t actually seen them, you know you’ve seen them.”
We've been wishing the movee extrusion biz well for years, PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
“Because there are too many movies opening now that you know you’ve seen before. Even if you haven’t actually seen them, you know you’ve seen them.”
We've been wishing the movee extrusion biz well for years, PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
Even by basic-cable standards, D-List has never been a big hit; it averaged 936,000 viewers last season, down 15% from Season 4. [TWENTY-THIRD GRAF]
Hey but we're a big hit with the GANNETTOIDS!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO GARY!
Hey but we're a big hit with the GANNETTOIDS!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO GARY!
Monday, June 07, 2010
The sad end of Helen Thomas's career happened because news organizations hold on to their "star" talent well after it's burnt out. Who doesn't make fun of Andy Rooney? How long must SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX establish his CW bonafides? How many name columnists have written for longer than most of their audiences have lived? Such are the power and perks of their jobs that they must hold on to them for dear life until there's nothing left to hold on to. The end result, to paraphrase an H. G. Wells title, is minds at the ends of their tethers.
It's Raining F-Bombs At MTV Movie Awards
Brought to you by "Coca-Cola®, Kia Motors, Nikon Corporation, Orbit® gum, Starbucks Coffee Company, Taco Bell® and T-Mobile USA"!!!!!
Brought to you by "Coca-Cola®, Kia Motors, Nikon Corporation, Orbit® gum, Starbucks Coffee Company, Taco Bell® and T-Mobile USA"!!!!!
Speaking of BP:
Gulf spill costs reach $1.25 billion, BP says
BP's annual revenues in 2009: $239.2 BILLION. Its total net income: $16.6 BILLION.
Gulf spill costs reach $1.25 billion, BP says
BP's annual revenues in 2009: $239.2 BILLION. Its total net income: $16.6 BILLION.
Does The World's Largest Overpriced-Printing-Ink Company really think it can keep gouging the simps with kiosks and Dr. Seuss?
HP is as overdue for comeuppance as BP.
(Via SeekingAlpha)
HP is as overdue for comeuppance as BP.
(Via SeekingAlpha)
Speaking of vacations, as a public worker I profess to be slightly worried over the alleged building backlash to our type, but the unions have largely themselves to blame, not merely for their profligacy and their stubbornness and their ham-handed my-way-or-the-highway politics, but through their vitriol for reinforcing the notion most public workers are incompetents. New York City's rubber rooms and policemen retiring at 48 on $200,000 pensions are inexcusable; so are Masters of the Universe making zillions. There's enough greed to go around these days.
But let's face it; more than a few public workers are incompetents; and they
benefit the most from civil-service protections.
But let's face it; more than a few public workers are incompetents; and they
benefit the most from civil-service protections.
Celebrations like this and stories like this underline a huge disconnect. BP's phony apology digs the company's hole deeper, and yet some of Tony's friends in the expensive restaurants keep pouring more money into junk television, thoroughly oblivious to it. We believe more strongly than ever the only purpose of advertising is to finance fiefdoms and lengthy CEO vacations, and to make us pay for them.