THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Posted
12:57 PM
by Gene
I'm surprised she hasn't gotten down on her hands and knees too.
Posted
12:53 PM
by Gene
And as two of the three people we interview are Democrats it must have been a good cry.
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:22 AM
by Gene
An Indian zillionaire challenges Dubai and Beijing to build an even uglier building!
Posted
8:18 AM
by Gene
The Post reported on April 22 that Redstone has privately expressed frustration with CBS' performance, and he has made his thoughts known to Dauman, who is said to be angling to oust Moonves and then merge CBS and Viacom into a single company which he would then run. [!!!!!]
Just one problem: SUMNER's honorary mentor, Adolph Zukor, lived to be 103.
Posted
7:51 AM
by Gene
To be sure, the comparisons may be better next week, and there is no guarantee the show-biz sycophant-typists still can't get their way, but the public isn't that stupid, though moviegoers are.
(Via the ultrageeks at HSX.com)
Posted
7:48 AM
by Gene
No, or they wouldn't run for president.
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Couldn't we take an interest in a sport that's not quite so smelly -- like BRIDGE?
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:06 PM
by Gene
Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Posted
1:02 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:52 PM
by Gene
Administration officials are soliciting advice from business groups and other special interests on how to propose billions of dollars in tax hikes that could help close a budget shortfall the governor now says is as large as $20 billion.
Is he still sexy?
Posted
9:39 AM
by Gene
The good news for Gekko Kudlows: WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
The construction and manufacturing sectors continued to shed jobs in April, but less cyclical sectors such as education offset these declines.
Maybe big guvment isn't so bad after all -- if you're Gekko Kudlow.
Posted
9:38 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:26 AM
by Gene
E. J. is on the top of a multi-partisan list of six- and seven-digit colyumnists we'd like to yell SHUT UP!!!!! at.
Posted
8:12 AM
by Gene
Posted
5:51 PM
by Gene
...while opening 55 new ones, meaning Babbittry is safe -- for now.
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
How Much Do Racehorses Pee?
Posted
5:22 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:17 PM
by Gene
FORT HOOD, Texas (AP) -- A jury has acquitted an Army sergeant who shot an Iraqi insurgent.
There is just no getting these COLD-BLOO...these soldiers to pay the price!
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
We're not surprised: Baba Wawa has romanced her subjects for decades.
Posted
5:13 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
So are we, but neither pastor nor The Messiah will shut his trap.
Posted
8:44 AM
by Gene
JUT-JAW NEEDS 130 WRITERS!
Posted
7:00 AM
by Gene
No, because this is at least the second article we've seen suggesting this -- and God knows how many, many, MANY more there've been where those came from.
And what news hack can function without his clichés, verbal and otherwise?
Posted
6:57 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:53 AM
by Gene
The ratio of support staff to the number of people who actually perform in and produce some television shows, for instance, has doubled or even tripled in the last decade, said Muhlstein, an entertainment industry specialist with Cushman & Wakefield who negotiated the NBC deal.
"The typical talk show starring one person, like 'Ellen,' has 150 support staff," Muhlstein said. "Jay Leno has 200."
How many did Jack Paar need?
Posted
5:11 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
Highest ever: NYC mtg delinquencies up 74%
Does that include all those fancy-dancy zillion-dollar penthouses?
Posted
5:02 PM
by Gene
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
(Via the usual Romy)
Posted
5:00 PM
by Gene
BY THROWING MONEY AT IT!
Posted
4:57 PM
by Gene
It
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!
irritates
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!
me
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!
too.
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!
Posted
3:51 PM
by Gene
Rise in temperatures could halt until 2015 because of natural variations in climate
When do we get global cooling -- again?
Posted
1:26 PM
by Gene
That elephant sure does look like a flea's underfed nephew.
Posted
1:14 PM
by Gene
Here's an exchange I heard the other day:
Press agent 1: "The reason they're called the Outer Critics is because you want to keep them out of the theater!"
Press agent 2: "Have you seen the one who looks like a 1930s film star?"
Press agent 1: "Oh, that's being too kind."
Press agent 2: "No, I mean it. She looks like Vivien Leigh."
Press agent 1: "She looks like Vivian Vance."
Press agent 2: "How about the one with the crippled husband?"
Press agent 1: "I bet the polio picnic in 'Cry-Baby' went down well with him. No wonder they didn't get nominated."
I'm not even going to try to top this kind of malicious theater talk.
Hey if you Branson East bozos put out shows the way you can exchange put-downs....
Posted
1:04 PM
by Gene
Well, not quite. Can you imagine what wealth it would take to do it? Even ST. WARREN couldn't. Pfffffffffffffffft!
Posted
12:52 PM
by Gene
We may also ask how much better when we see this conveniently hidden away from the content, above and to the right of the legalese:
Printed in Canada on recycled paper.Now how much more energy did it take to send a recycled FunTimes from Canada then it might have taken to print it here? Or is North America's Most PC Country™ so environmentally correct that nothing we could do could use less energy than Canada?
God knows Ronnie loves shooting Himself in the foot; must remind Him of those delicious McDonald's hamburgers.
EEEEEEEEEEEEvery day should be Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeearth Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Posted
8:17 PM
by Gene
We also admit to being dubious about advertiser-supported music, especially after our visit to We7; when we clicked on a album (Cult TV Themes by Laurie Johnson) for every track got the message, "Track unavailable[:] We are sorry, but this track is currently unavailable in your region (United States)". We know a few kinks must be worked out in beta (and We7 is definitely beta) but we wonder if such sites are nothing but kinks.
(Both links via the usual ArtsJournal)
Posted
6:20 PM
by Gene
Inflatable pig lost after Roger Waters' Coachella set
We could provide some jokes, but the ASSPress has already provided the punchline.
Posted
6:11 PM
by Gene
Life in an Austrian Dungeon
What 24 years in a windowless basement will do to your health.
I don't know, but I can guess what such baldly chortling teases can do to your Web site: there is not A SINGLE AD on Stale.com's home page. How long can St. Warren continue the philanthropy, especially now that He has a multi-billion-dollar sweet tooth?
Posted
5:18 PM
by Gene
Uh, boys, sell more stock to plug a leaking piggy bank and the existing shareholders may NOT be pleased.
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
But of course -- evil Democrats passed the ethanol legislation that's helping to drive food and gas prices up!
Which Democratic president wanted the Democratic congress to pass the ethanol legislation?
GEKKO KUDLOW must be ticked. He still thinks the economy isn't sliding.
Posted
4:56 PM
by Gene
Posted
3:36 PM
by Gene
We can guess which one would go to his movies -- out of allegiance to the cause.
Woodrow Who? indeed.
P. S.
At least Schnozzola and Ethel were willing to be seen.
Posted
11:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:13 AM
by Gene
MY WAY!
And yes, if it were the other way around we'd say the same thing.
Posted
11:09 AM
by Gene
Aren't they all?
Posted
10:07 AM
by Gene
(Via -- where else? -- Slashdot)
Posted
10:02 AM
by Gene
Do you suppose these changes for change's sake are all they're cracked up to be?
Posted
9:42 AM
by Gene
Very well, we suspect.
Posted
8:45 AM
by Gene
Iranian markets have been inundated with smuggled Western toys in recent years partly due to a dramatic rise in purchasing power as a result of increased oil revenues.
And part of the solution is for DWIGHTs to stop sending the price of oil to $100,000 a barrel -- as if.
I wonder -- what does Nukeman's crew think of Hello Kitty?
Posted
8:33 AM
by Gene
Carey was engaged in a rivalry nearly as fierce as Biggie and Tupac's: a yearslong cutting contest with Whitney Houston, whom she matched melisma for melisma, bromide for bromide.
Unfortunately, we know Stale.com, and we know Jody is chiseling a statue with words, creating another immortality in Eight-Octave, which is why we don't pay as much attention to Michael "Lehrer" Kinsley's snark as we used to.
Posted
8:26 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
Too conservative? Too sleazy.
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
I guess because they couldn't do it here.
Posted
5:29 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
Don't boast -- you gave the world HITLER.
Posted
5:15 PM
by Gene
Don't some people ever think of ANYTHING other than getting their names in the press?
Posted
5:14 PM
by Gene
India Launches 10 Satellites At Once
And how many do we outsource?
Posted
5:09 PM
by Gene
Calling all sycophants! Calling Jeff "MENSA" Greenfield! Calling the staff of Zeitgeist! Calling Sen. Morals and Sen. Boobs McKeating! Drunk needs help! STAT!
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
Be careful what you wish for; it might cut your audience in half.
Posted
10:44 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:28 AM
by Gene
FLIP...
Days after denouncing fellow Republicans for producing a television advertisement linking Senator Obama to polarizing comments made by his former pastor, Senator McCain is softening his opposition to political use of the issue and is even stoking the story by publicly condemning newly published inflammatory remarks from the Reverend Jeremiah Wright Jr.
FLOP!
Posted
9:26 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:24 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:22 AM
by Gene
St. Warren is more than a mere God, He is -- the universe!
Posted
9:14 AM
by Gene
Where would we be without the ASSPress?
Posted
9:06 AM
by Gene
...minimal progress....
Please -- let there be more minimal progress!
Posted
8:25 AM
by Gene
P. S. With $10 billion in debt we may wonder how long Mars Inc. will remain the world's most secretive corporation.
Posted
5:02 PM
by Gene
1. New GM Brand Czars Will Influence Product
Quartet Empowered With 'Voice' in Incentives, Vehicle Development
And how many times has the big GM rearranged the deck chairs on its leaky boat?
2. Let's see: Newspapers took in 39 percent of all U. S. ad spending in 1940, but only 15 percent today. That looks REAL BAD until you think that radio hardly ran any ads at all compared to today, and TV didn't exist, and the Web didn't exist, and you didn't have MARKETERS plastering ads on sidewalks and urinals and ballparks and school buses, so we'd bet these masters of the half-truth are taking in considerably more than they took in 68 years ago, even with the "decrease" -- and the "death watch".
3. Whither Wendy's Under Nelson Peltz
Here's whither, if we had to guess: It'll spend lots more money on stupid, condescending, annoying, irritating, junk-financing TV ADS while neglecting the product. Such has always been the fate of the second tier moping behind Mickey D. These money-juggling entrepreneurs wouldn't have it otherwise.
Posted
2:57 PM
by Gene
Our real problem is the bottom 30 percent of U.S. schools, those in urban and rural communities full of low-income children. We have seen enough successful schools in such areas to know that many of those children are just as capable of being great scientists, doctors, and executives as suburban children are.
In the name of counterintuition we get silly, stupid writing. What constitutes a "great" scientist? Or a "great" doctor? Or especially a "great" executive? See, but hacks don't have to think, they can just write. Education must be about creating more technocrats. Dubya decreed it. Jay believes it. Getting the bottom 30 percent of U. S. schools up to par merely means more technocrats. And not everyone has the cranial wherewithal to be "great". Using "great" is just as bad as the self-serving inflated numbers of new-minted Chinese and Indian technocrats this typist complains about. Dammit, we have enough Steve Greers. Modern America lacks a soul; factory-producing millions who are supersmart in school and become "GREAT" technocrats is the answer to the wrong question.
I expect better from The Wilson Quarterly; I guess we can stop expecting.
Posted
2:15 PM
by Gene
To ease some of the pain, studios have again enlisted the help of Madison Avenue firms, whose client brands will pony up considerable coin -- mostly overseas -- to tie in with tentpoles.
For example, partners like General Mills, Target, Mattel, Lego, Esurance and Puma are shelling out more than $80 million in promo support for WB's "Speed Racer."
Similarly, "Iron Man" has its own shopping list of brands, including Audi and LG Electronics, while "The Dark Knight" has Nokia, Domino's, General Mills and Microsoft's Xbox on board. M&Ms, Dr. Pepper, Expedia and Kraft Lunchables will shill for "Indiana Jones." And naturally, brand-friendly "Sex and the City" isn't left out, with Mercedes-Benz, Skyy vodka, Coty fragrances and Glaceau Vitaminwater.
Brands with multiple movie pacts include Burger King, which is cooking up promos for "Iron Man," "The Incredible Hulk" and "Indiana Jones," while 7-Eleven is also supporting "Iron Man" and "Hulk."
All have ads planned to roll out weeks before the pics unspool with in-store and in-theater ads and displays, TV, print, radio, direct mail, sweepstakes and online campaigns.
Alas, this enthusiasm is followed with a question:
The studio marketing machine may be working overtime to get its messaging across to moviegoers. But is it too much?
Nothing is too much for any CEO who wants to live forever.
The only thing these TENTPOLES are missing are commercial breaks.
P. S. from March 16:
"It's part of Americana," Steve Greer, Big G's global equity and events director, said of the franchise. "It's a classic that will always be part of a kid's and a family's world."
We wonder why more of these people with six-figure do-nothing jobs in consumer products don't run for Congress. They don't merely mouth clichés, they live them.
Posted
12:36 PM
by Gene
Does The Messiah have a DUBYA problem?
Posted
12:32 PM
by Gene
May this be a DUEL TO THE DEATH -- where nobody's rep survives.
Posted
10:15 AM
by Gene
