THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Posted
7:48 PM
by Gene
365 times $5 million is $1,825,000,000. The Wiki says NOO YAWK's 2006 GDP was $457.3 BILLION. $1.825 billion divided by $457.3 billion is 0.4 PERCENT OF NOO YAWK'S ECONOMY.
NUF SAID.
Posted
5:22 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:19 PM
by Gene
UNTIL THESE ASSES START THINKING ABOUT THE HOLY COCKROACHES THERE SHOULD BE NO CHANGE.
Posted
1:10 PM
by Gene
Nobody has seen fit to say much of anything about Robbins since his death in 1997, decades after his vogue had — how to put this? — climaxed. But doesn’t a hustling subliterate whose oeuvre changed American publishing deserve at least one kudo, to use a solecism Robbins himself would have been likely to commit to print? Crammed with moronic prurience, achieving logorrhea with the barest of resources, your average Robbins page turner read as if he’d clacked it out using 10, if not 11, thumbs, and his 20 or so engorged books sold more than 750 million copies combined. If you’ve ever wondered just when quality literature and commercial fiction parted ways for good with a shudder, call him Harold Rubicon....
Making big bucks let him live out his grossest fantasies, like owning a yacht and having orgies. But his excesses are unlikely to fascinate any reader who isn’t a) 15 or b) Donald Trump, the first tycoon who seems to aspire to being a Robbins hero. The detail that may best evoke the milieu Robbins lived in is the “set of 14-karat-gold fingernails” he bought his second wife; according to presumably awed friends, “the effect of the sun reflecting off them was enough to nearly blind you.” There’s also something disconcerting about a biography in which George Hamilton, who starred in “The Survivors,” figures as a voice of reason: “I thought reading his books was as good as it got and getting to know him would not improve on that in any way.” Even the gentlemanly Korda’s verdict is blunt: “He was as disagreeable and odious in the days of his success as the days of his failure.”...
Robbins was talentless....
WHAT? The -- Godfather of Junk Fiction? Say it ain't so, Tom!
Posted
1:01 PM
by Gene
How will they report the NEWS without a script?
Posted
12:44 PM
by Gene
PAUL DRECK! Time to jump out a window?
NO! Blame it on HALO 3!
P. S. at 4:57 p.m.
A career so strong it survived 'Catwoman'
And $442 A SCREEN on the opening Friday for another Os-CAR®-nominatable masterpiece?
SORRY PAUL, this is just THE CONSPIRACY making movies for ad-blurbists -- and AD-BLURBISTS ONLY.
Further p.s. at 5:31 p.m. $943 a screen for THE CULT FLICK THAT WASN'T -- and $1,323 a screen for THE DREAMS OF NC-17. I think we've pulled enough fast ones for now, SAMMY GLICKMAN.
FURTHER P. S. at 5:37 p.m. A pitiful $175 a screen for an animated remake of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. Whose stupid idea was that?
As for the distributor:
Rocky Mountain Pictures has designed an accounts receivable program that affords our producers an immediate and ongoing account of all play dates for each film. It records each theatre booking entering an estimated box office gross after each week, which is replaced with an exact box office figure as soon as an official audited report is executed by the exhibitor, tracking what is owed by the exhibitor after a “settlement” has been made, and then final payment. Rocky Mountain Pictures' accounts receivable program provides all parties an ongoing accounting of where their investment “is” at all times.
You need an accounts receivable program to count to zero?
Also these lamebrains intend to inflict on us a movie starring THE STONE FACE OF ANNOYING TV ADS -- unless of course they file for Chapter XI first.
Posted
9:45 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:36 AM
by Gene
Several readers complained about a Page 1 story Oct. 13 that quoted Lt. Gen. Ricardo S. Sanchez, the former U.S. troop commander in Iraq, as saying the 2003 invasion plan was "catastrophically flawed." He blamed "the administration, Congress and the entire interagency, especially the State Department . . . for this catastrophic failure."
They found online Sanchez's prepared remarks to the Military Reporters and Editors group and were incensed that The Post's Josh White did not mention Sanchez's criticism of the media until the story's last paragraph.
She goes on to say how wonderful Josh's reporting was, and quotes his boss as saying how wonderful Josh's reporting was, and then admits maybe he shoulda written a few more grafs about what the guy said.News means never having to say you're sorry -- and then always having to say you're sorry.
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
STRIKE! STRIKE!! Make it a LONG and NASTY ONE!! Show the world we can live without PREPOSTEROUS COINCIDENCES and FOUR-LETTER WORDS!!!
Posted
11:33 AM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: The Bugmeisters have given people an excuse to avoid XP ME!
Posted
10:36 AM
by Gene
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says a broad range of scenarios are weighed in determining interest-rate policy in uncertain times.
C'mon guys, can't you be a little more obvious?
Posted
10:12 AM
by Gene
Bush to announce further sanctions against Myanmar, White House says
Dubya has mastered the fine art of the meaningless gesture.
Posted
10:02 AM
by Gene
That it opened with an oldies act wouldn't make us too eager to hold our breath.
Posted
9:54 AM
by Gene
Pam and Dave seem to have soaked up THE CONSPIRACY's line very well: IT'S NEVER OUR FAULT.
Posted
9:40 AM
by Gene
We've hit the TRIFECTA! DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!
MICKEY D did it!
Sorry -- the Imagineering Goodthings People did it!
NO: Housing-bust-busted CAT and LCD-margin-shrunk 3M did it!
Posted
9:28 AM
by Gene
Maybe you should audition for Wheel of Fortune, Dan.
Posted
9:12 AM
by Gene
It's the plight of the "mMillionaire" --the middle-class Millionaire.
Mansions and yachts are out. The mMillionaires who want to retire before age 65 or 72, find they must live in three- and four-bedroom homes and drive mid-priced four-door sedans and mini-vans.
Boo hoo hoo!
(I guess coining new irritating catch words and phrases is how The World Saver Bono intends to make mMillions on His investment.)
Posted
9:08 AM
by Gene
HMMMM, do I smell a big future taxpayer shakedown on some Canadians in the guise of LEAGUE EXPANSION? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?!?!?
Posted
9:02 AM
by Gene
Students say critics fail to grasp the band's importance and legacy.
"They don't understand," said Kate O'Connor, a junior from Worcester who, with a nose ring and hair falling in her eyes, had a '60s air about her. "A lot of students say, 'How can that be a class?' But the Grateful Dead influenced an entire generation."
Like many students in the class, O'Connor, who first heard the band's landmark album "American Beauty" while baby-sitting as an 11-year-old, loves not only the Dead's music but also what she believes it stands for: a peaceful, utopian spirit that unites and elevates.
If that sentiment sounds like a '60s throwback, it is because many of the students have embraced the era's freewheeling idealism through its music, fashion, and political activism. Many are nostalgic for a decade they never experienced and wish they hadn't been born too late to see the band play live. (The Grateful Dead stopped performing after the death of Jerry Garcia in 1995).
TRANSLATION: Will these boomer profs EVER retire?
FURTHER TRANSLATION: Since we shrewdly imply opposition to such taxpayer- and parent-fleecing schemes is con-SER-va-tive -- after all, the critics include the National Association of Scholars, which is VERY con-SER-va-tive -- this must be good.
FURTHER FURTHER TRANSLATION: You trying for a twenty-year low, Your Royal Highness PINCH?
Posted
5:43 PM
by Gene
After reading Reality Show, I will start to take in Williams' blog and --on the rare occasions I watch network news, will invite him back into my home. Williams is a smart, hard-working and --this is a compliment-- thoroughly square guy who makes an effort to listen to the sounds originating from beyond Manhattan. His network is run by the most interesting exec in the book --Jeff Zucker-- and small details, like Williams' role as a director of the Congressional Medal of Honor Foundation and his decency towards Bob Woodward and his family, are the sort of insights that soften the image that the nets can't seem to live without but which is killing them: The anchor on high, surveying his vast realm below.
Is the 800-pound voice for the little guy looking for a BIGMEDIA outlet?
Posted
5:38 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:32 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:30 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:27 PM
by Gene
TRANSLATION: Even Paramount Pete admits OUR biz is disgorging a lot of critical thumb-suckers no one wants to see, but because popular films stink the navel-starings are the only ones with a chance for the Os-CAR®.
Posted
5:24 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:57 PM
by Gene
This is what Best-Seller Pervez gets by leaving their swarming ground alone.
"We have no way of confirming that, but it has all the hallmarks of some sort of terrorist attack," River's [SIC] told CNN's Wolf Blitzer.
I think it was a spontaneous natural-gas explosion myself. Wolf wouldn't know better.
P. S.
On Sunday Ms Bhutto said she feared extremists within the country's military establishment more than Taliban commanders like Baitullah Masood.
We were about to say, changed your mind? But then we remember the @#$%&* "FATHER" OF PAKISTAN, and we said, forget it.
Posted
12:48 PM
by Gene
There is news somewhere, there is important news somewhere, but the hacks aren't reporting it, and because their grasp of the Web grows stronger even as their business grows weaker, news somewhere, important news somewhere, will not be reported, to make room for dogs.
Posted
12:00 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:42 AM
by Gene
Then again perhaps they have better-developed consciences than we think.
(Via Brandweek)
Posted
9:24 AM
by Gene
What happened to the U. S. east of Mississippi? Did someone apply a circular saw?
P. S. on 10/19 at 9:40 p.m. They fixed the @#$%&* MAP after I posted it!
Posted
9:20 AM
by Gene
If THE CONSPIRACY can do nothing else, at least it can flame-proof actors.
And that's the thing -- as neat as this is, it's ALL THE CONSPIRACY can do nowadays.
Posted
8:33 AM
by Gene
In his new memoir "Slash," the Guns N' Roses ax man recounts how he shot so much cocaine during a late-'90s Arizona vacation that he had hallucinations of being attacked by creatures like those in "Predator" — "but a fraction of the size, and translucent blue-gray; they were wiry and muscular with the same pointed heads and rubbery dreadlocks."
Too bad it happened while he was in the shower. After punching the glass door until his hands bled — and seeing "an army of [the creatures], holding tiny machine guns and weapons that looked like harpoons" — he ran through the streets of Arizona naked.
Dictations like this are an argument for James Frey.
Posted
8:30 AM
by Gene
Posted
11:55 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:50 PM
by Gene
If we had to track down the times ad-blurbists have made asses of themselves we would never stop tracking. Of course Effete Edelstein stumbles out of the gate by admitting he was spoon-fed the info by "LIAR! LIAR! PANTS ON FIRE!" BROCK. But then PILLHEAD was on to something, "BLACKMAIL!!!!!" or no; ad-blurbing IS just another form of masturbation, especially when it's practiced by people who've spent their whole careers looking for the ultimate IN. Such scribblers are the last people to write about morals -- even IF they move ROMY to righteous fury. Or to use Jo-NAH's two-left-footed analogy, that PILLHEAD is a KETTLE does not make EFFETE any less of a POT.
Moreover he hasn't done DICK any favors by giving us something ELSE to remember him by.
We now must pay attention to Effete's BLOG every day; it promises to be an eternal wellspring of COMEDY. We also suspect PILLHEAD may embellish his writing with some SOUND EFFECTS. Not very EINSTEINIAN, Effete.
Posted
3:26 PM
by Gene
Clear Channel TV, Google jointly marketing Web services
(Via IWantMedia)
Posted
2:49 PM
by Gene
How about ABOR...no, that isn't it. How about ISLAMOPHO...no, not that. How about ISRAEL is EEEEV...nope. How about we must get outOUTOUT of Iraq?
Jeez, I CAN'T THINK of ANYTHING EITHER.
TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.
Posted
2:39 PM
by Gene
PINCH's Kingdom's at an eleven-year low.
(First link via the usual Romy)
Posted
2:37 PM
by Gene
During which, presumably, Nukeman will keep playing.
Posted
1:17 PM
by Gene
We regret having not paid attention to this story when it first broke several weeks ago; indeed we wonder why the news hacks aren't paying attention. The founder of Oral Roberts University had a smell long before Jim Bakkers and Jimmy Swaggarts turned it into Eau de Pepe le Pew. His most famous accomplishment was "seeing" a 900-foot Jesus, which enabled him to build perhaps the greatest misuse of life savings in the history of televangelism: the City of Faith, which today languishes as a half-occupied (if that) quasi-hospital, his depleted cash pile having relinquished it long ago. (He was almost equally famous for threatening to kill himself if his suckers didn't pony up more cash.) Before that he started a university whose architecture resembles a cross between a bad futuristic horror-movie carnival and an equally bad dream of the Jetsons'; its most famous (possibly sole) accomplishment to date is getting into the second round of the professional college basketball championships. That scandal surrounds the university and the fundraiser's son is no surprise. How honest can any outfit be that always wants your money?
Posted
1:08 PM
by Gene
Hey, Middle-Aged Men! Think Twice About That Eye Lift, Lest You Resemble Power Lesbians
Posted
10:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
ANOTHER MICKEYMOUSE NIXON innovation repudiated.
Posted
9:17 AM
by Gene
Seeing as how he's in the fillum biz doesn't that question answer itself?
Posted
8:53 AM
by Gene
So what will the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers' answer be? You betcha -- spend more money on junk TV!
Hey! They can say it's "only" three percent!
Posted
8:28 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:23 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:20 AM
by Gene
Posted
5:22 PM
by Gene
[T]his year that lineup features almost 1,100 artists — the real reason why anybody is here. Because even with all the industry flesh-pressing and sensory overload of bills featuring the latest crop of the cool, hip, and highly marketable — and those bands aspiring to be cool and hip and otherwise marketable — CMJ remains what it originally set out to be: a grand buffet of frequently just under-the-radar musicians playing New York clubs.
As always, any attempt to take in all of CMJ will probably land you in the hospital....
Or the looney bin.
Posted
10:43 AM
by Gene
We note in this connection the Paper is having its Editorial Board BLOG, which would seem further to diminish the relevance of newspapers, or editorials, for that matter -- not that PINCH needs help. (Link via IWantMedia)
Posted
10:28 AM
by Gene
And as we say all the time, what's bad for BigMedia is good for the rest of us.
Posted
10:26 AM
by Gene
We wonder if this mightn't come back to haunt Steve. It's just as likely he was demoted for being such a stirring writer.
(Via the usual Romy)
Posted
10:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:23 AM
by Gene
Posted
7:26 PM
by Gene
Posted
6:13 PM
by Gene
Summary: The next U.S. president will have a moment of opportunity to reintroduce America to the world and restore our leadership. To build a world that is safe, prosperous, and just, we must get out of Iraq, rediscover the value of statesmanship, and live up to the democratic values that are the deepest source of our strength.
Okay -- now how do you suppose to do that in less than eight pages?
(Via Observer.com)
Posted
6:07 PM
by Gene
If liberals are half-wits conservatives will do them one better by splitting their half-wit down the middle.
Posted
5:51 PM
by Gene
Now if we could bring Lance Ito back to try it....
Posted
2:30 PM
by Gene
Can't wait for your longer stories, JonBoy -- or your circ cut!
Posted
1:52 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:42 PM
by Gene
And Laura has answers -- lots of very good answers -- which means it's time for another NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to an intrepid USAOKAY!!!!! staffer!
Posted
1:06 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:27 PM
by Gene
Posted
12:17 PM
by Gene
Hey Paramount Pete, your fellow moguls invented it some time ago.
And here's a question for you and your fellow media Richie Riches: what is an "audience"?
Posted
12:13 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:19 AM
by Gene
Also, SUPER may want to watch out when it comes to his interns:
Fox Business Network Is Having Fun! Also, Running Ads for CBNC [SIC!!!!!]
Posted
10:13 AM
by Gene
What is with this redesign mania -- except for an admission that we may not need BizWeek as much as we used to, and we definitely don't need newsrags?
P. S. at 1:55 p.m.: Oops! Didn't see this: JonBoy's rag may cut its circ! That alone justifies trying to be more bia -- er, more effet -- er, more like The New Yorker.
(All links via MediaBistro)
P. P. S. Further Oops! We didn't realize the Zeit is loosening its synergistic links with the MESS! Bad idea. How will people know where to turn for CW? (Via IWantMedia)
Posted
9:39 AM
by Gene
By the way, Meg -- is he that good?
Posted
9:33 AM
by Gene
JERUSALEM (AP) -- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Israelis and Palestinians are making the "most serious effort" in years to resolve their conflict.
Consider us alerted, Condi!
Posted
8:50 PM
by Gene
"I'm not sure there's room to grow the audience," said Tim Spengler, chief activation officer at Interpublic Group of Cos.' Initiative. Without investor euphoria to drive market expansion, he said, business media will have to steal consumers and ad dollars from each other as part of "a zero-sum game."
Indeed trends show a choppy category. Ad spending in 2006 at CNBC fell about 29.2% from 2004, according to TNS Media Intelligence (the figures reflect spending on the core media property, not across all venues). In the same time period, ad spending fell about 7.8% at Fortune and about 15% at BusinessWeek. Meanwhile, ad spending is up about 5.5% at Forbes and about 18.4% at The Wall Street Journal. Some of the biggest advertisers in the publications are the companies that own them. The Journal's biggest advertiser in 2006 was its corporate parent, and Forbes Inc. was one of Forbes' five biggest sponsors in the same year, according to TNS. [Emphasis added]
TRANSLATION: Are there THAT many CEOs to be flattered?
Posted
8:46 PM
by Gene
Not the product. NEVER the product.
And because PAUL DRECK contributed to this story that's HIS excuse too.
Posted
2:50 PM
by Gene
Uh Bill, could you translate this for us? No, don't bother. It would be longer than the article.
Posted
2:42 PM
by Gene
Posted
1:32 PM
by Gene
"I wish I were Jack Welch!" said Suzy. "I wish I were Suzy!" said Jack. We just wished we were drunk.
HIC!
Posted
1:19 PM
by Gene
But instead you're talking -- THE MAN WHO WILL SAVE THE WORLD®!
Posted
10:50 AM
by Gene
A BRILLIANT career move!
Posted
10:38 AM
by Gene
This may seem smart -- until you realize MOVEON.ORG could stage an auction of its own -- possibly for something DRUG-related.
(Via the usual MS. TRAVERS [it's uncredited but has her hot-headed typing style all over it])
Posted
10:18 AM
by Gene
This is why the foot-stomping global warming brigade should not be taken seriously; their moralistic strictures WILL NOT apply to the other side.
Posted
10:15 AM
by Gene
The Saffron Revolution is over.
