Posted 8:40 PM by Gene

What Kind of Decider Would She Be?

Harder-headed we suspect than JonBoy, who decided his domestic coffee tables couldn't take a cover ode to gay rights, or whatever.

Today, we should note, we were in a Rong-Aid going through PEOPLE NEWSRAG, an old issue with Mother Teresa on the cover. (Remember that pretentious dust-up?) 66 pages, with a few columns. When we saw it we said, this rag's days are numbered. Face it: PEOPLE NEWSRAG is a Web site with a print stub. We hope and pray the same ultimately happens to Zeitgeist, but alas, it appears ST. WARREN's prepared to take losses when THE TRUTH is at stake.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

David Cameron: What makes me Conservative

How about ummmmmmmmmm, uhhhhhhhhhh, I dunno!

That's how any good Republican would answer.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

The $300 MILLION FROZEN ZONE is unfrozen with promises from China and Russia to help cure global warming, pffh-hh-hh.

And our mentally-challenged prez doesn't know APEC from OPEC. Then again, with China and Russia in the mix, maybe he does know and just let on.

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

With Army Gen. David Petraeus and U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker set to testify to Congress about the war in Iraq Monday, Democrats face a touchy political problem -- how do you attack what Petraeus and Crocker are saying without attacking them personally?

And further, can you do that without looking like you’re dissing the 170,000 U.S. troops in Iraq?

Eh, go ahead Whiny and Babs -- do it anyway!

Posted 4:48 PM by Gene

Another BRILLIANT innovation from SUMNER: promos at the deli counter!

Have they tried where the cat litter bags are?

Posted 12:42 PM by Gene

In other election news, Sen. Overcomb, the man who says "the global war on terror [is] a 'bumper sticker' slogan", plans to launch a bumper-sticker "international terrorism agency"!

Posted 12:30 PM by Gene

No! NO!!!!! The last hope for reason or sanity, Honorary Mayor Mike's possible running mate, the last prayer of SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX to save the nation, Sen. Hole in the Bagel, isn't running for the White House -- and he WON'T SEEK REELECTION TO THE SENATE!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! THE REPUBLIC IS DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, another crusade for PINCH: live mascots.

PINCH, go down to Augusta and brood your fortune away.

Posted 8:53 AM by Gene

The ASSPress tries one more time:

[H]is legacy reached beyond the opera houses to reach the masses, working with fellow opera stars and pop icons alike.

These far-from-the-opera house performances, including memorable nights under the stars at Rome's ancient Baths of Caracalla with Jose Carreras and Domingo Placido, in the "Three Tenors concert," rescued musical art from highbrow obscurity.

While opera lovers treasured his recordings with soprano Joan Sutherland, Pavarotti slipped into the CD collections of the hipper set, mixing notes with Elton John, the Spice Girls, Sheryl Crow and Liza Minnelli, among others.

We truly wish the ASSPress had died and not Pavarotti, then we could DANCE ON ITS GRAVE.

P. S. We do not know whether or not this is a later dispatch, but it doesn't mention all those HIPPER acts, meaning not EVERYONE in the ASSPress is STUPID.

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

Too hot for takeoff
A Southwest Airlines passenger is asked to fasten her seatbelt — and lengthen her skirt. » Too revealing?

I'm not clicking on the story because I don't want to endure a five-minute ad. More to the point, I don't want to endure more news hack CW, especially from Jerry "Sieg Heil!" Yang. I think I've consumed enough news to guess: evil old reactionary Southwest engages in tub-thumping prudery with a passenger. Perhaps. But I know enough of news hack CW to think the problem isn't with evil Southwests and skirts -- it's with cities like mine, with a murder everyday and an accompanying yawn for each one. When the news hacks create instant martyrs most likely they're not martyrs; what's more, they're likely ignoring the blossoming evil under their laptops.

Which brings up the Madeleine case. Assuming the Portuguese authorities know what they're doing (we wouldn't), that they'd consider her mother a suspect points to how easily crooks and frauds can gain sympathy with news hacks. The notion of a cute three-year-old girl gone missing is beyond pain, but as recent events showed, the notion of a mother killing her child is not beyond the pale.

Posted 4:43 PM by Gene

Today at my local neighborhood CVS I wanted a bag of chips but to get to them I had to try to maneuver around four six-foot-high stacks of their trademark Dirty Plastic Bins®, which I don't think sprouted there to encourage dieting.

Which reminds me of how CVS hires: it drills a hole in prospective employees' heads, then aims a flashlight inside. If nothing's there, you're hired.

Posted 3:35 PM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) -- Osama bin Laden says Americans should convert to Islam if they want the war in Iraq to end, according to a transcript of a new videotape posted by ABC News.

He ain't nothin' but a HOUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND DAWG....

Posted 1:37 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: One of the BABBITTCORPS that builtbuiltbuilt in the business equivalent of a psychosis will file for bankruptcy.

Then TWO, then THREE....

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

You know Gloria, you could have made this tiresome quote parade about the mainstreaming of porn blahblahblah more useful if you'd included PERFESSER THOMPSON.

(Via ArtsJournal, which we'd bet has linked to more articles citing the PERFESSER than any other Web site)

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

We only wish more people would come to our site for us and not because we post Budweiser logos and pictures of typewriters.

Posted 1:07 PM by Gene

Is this another Portuguese slogan meaning "cul-de-sac"?

Posted 1:02 PM by Gene

The toy biz is seeking a taxpayer-financed lab after its dalliance with lead paint, which will not make people forget it's in this fix because it's a wholly-owned subsid of CHINA.

(Via Brandweek)

Posted 12:57 PM by Gene

As Mr. Quarter of a Century reminds us there'll always be a Paper of RE-CORD, even when there's no longer a newspaper industry, which can't be soon enough.

Posted 12:18 PM by Gene

A Hemingway of the supermarket checkout line blows another fuse.

Really Rosie, you should seek help for your publicity addiction.

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

The TWXSTERS think they can stave off senility by launching a Bugs Bunny Web site.

Good luck!

...social networking, product integration....

Yep, the same old same old.

Posted 12:07 PM by Gene

The Feds have Elvis's newest hit before AL JAZEERA?!?!?

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

PINCH plans how to beat ST. WARREN at His own game: He's found His own inner Kaplan -- by starting PAPER OF RE-CORD UNIVERSITY!

Now remember, PINCH -- no Fs! That's racistsexisthomophobic, you know.

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

And speaking of Best Of, the TWXSTERS have compiled another list -- of the "Fifty Worst Cars of All Time", and Number Two is the Model T, because it

conferred to Americans the notion of automobility as something akin to natural law, a right endowed by our Creator. A century later, the consequences of putting every living soul on gas-powered wheels are piling up, from the air over our cities to the sand under our soldiers' boots.

Of course never mind that People Inc. owes its continued existence to the automobile. How many hundreds of thousands of pages of CAR ads have its rags run over the years? I guess somebody's bitter that the auto biz has learned to live a little more without People Inc.



And it figures also on the list is this beauty: the Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo, developed by "an heir of the Scripps publishing fortune and a self-taught — or untaught — auto engineer." NO COMMENT.

Posted 8:16 AM by Gene

Sorry to cite from SLIME's rag so much, but Keith discloses MORT ZUCK is about to launch The Best of Useless News -- which means now there are two domestic newsrags left, but then it's been obvious for some time there should be ZERO.

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

Live and learn: Paula Zahn's a clothes horse. Who'd have thunk it on that salary?

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

This is an achievement: not only did Sydney's $300 MILLION FROZEN ZONE invite a comedy team, but it inspired Dubya and South Korea's leader to have what is termed "an argument"!

Yep, that $300 MILLION bought a lot!

(I changed the link so as not to channel SLIME TOO much.)

Posted 8:11 AM by Gene

St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel, baseball's feel-good story of the season....

Well, that's one way of putting it.

Posted 7:08 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: ESPNCorp is in a race with professional sports leagues to see who can price gouge the more, and ESPNCorp's starting to lose.

Ten of Disney's 12 biggest institutional shareholders have reduced their stakes, filings from June show.

In the words of one of our leading salary earners Mr. Ebert, a solid TWO THUMBS® UP!

Posted 6:46 PM by Gene

I don't think these people got these containers of hydrogen peroxide because they liked their color.

Posted 3:51 PM by Gene

Local Papers Get GRIM!!!!! Details on 'Non-Combat' Deaths [Overemphasis added]

You smiling again, Greg?

Posted 3:41 PM by Gene

THE LORD GOD STEVE APOLOGIZES!

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

USAOKAY!!!!! conducts an interview with the ERIC SEVAREID OF COMEDY -- IN CHARACTER.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO CAROL!

We see ERIC's being published by Saddam -- er, Hachette Book Group. I wonder why this fearless NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE PARODY didn't open his mouth?

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 1:06 PM by Gene

$300 MILLION on security, and a crew from some Aussie TV comedy show gets through two checkpoints.

T'AIN'T FUNNY, McGEE.

Foreign Minister Alexander Downer said the stunt proved security was working.

Is there an Australian slang term for IMBECILE?

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

That the WaPost commissioned this second thought on the new dirty trickster of the left suggests even liberals may have an occasional qualm about their nobility -- but just occasional.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 12:03 PM by Gene

Another of Little Malc's mottoes:

The hardest task in the world is to think.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nah, that's too easy.

Posted 11:56 AM by Gene

Fifty years ago, videogame phreaks would have played with yo-yos.

Get the point?

Posted 11:51 AM by Gene

The stoopid Glibertarians have another "argument":

Taxpayer bill for failed video game legislation crosses $1 million

Two can play that game, Ben. How much does your tech biz' idiot geekishness waste us every day? How much money do videogame phreaks cost themselves with their rabid devotion to the art? How much money does your grand technology sap from the republic because so much of it's made in China and Japip? That $1 million's a bargain, Ben.

Posted 11:45 AM by Gene

Fanciers of the Lord God Steve's iPhone are rumbling because they paid too much!

We wonder if this includes our beloved mare, who, as six-shooters blazed all over North and West Philly, bravely stood in line for hours, all so he could say -- "I HAVE AN IPHONE!"...and get taunted for it.

That's okay; he can always charge the difference.

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

Well, who'd have guessed this: AMEHRIKUH'S YOUNUHVERSUHTEES have sneaky lucrative marketing agreements with credit-card firms to help their young turn -- students pile up huge debts!

Yep, kolledge is all about -- MONEY.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

IN the battle of the billionaires, Stephen Schwarzman calls Henry Kravis "a one-trick pony," while Kravis considers Schwarzman "the poster boy for greed," Vanity Fair reports.

Hey guys, just remember, you both have it in for the little guy, and shake hands.

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

A Denver writer opens his papers for two weeks to discover a deep, shocking secret: the newspaper funny pages AREN'T FUNNY!!!!!

(Via Romy, who seems a little surprised himself)

Posted 8:03 AM by Gene

Luciano Pavarotti was unquestionably the greatest tenor since Caruso -- greater; he didn't record into a tin horn. Even the non-opera buff had to admire that certain inimitable strength and style that made his perhaps the most beautiful and distinctive voice of all time. Had Pavarotti died in 1980 instead of last night his reputation would be secure and untouchable, if only with the maniacs. But his ten-universe-sized ego prompted him to go where no tenor should have, belting long past his prime, ripping up his voice and earning boos, playing in a farce of a movie "career", participating in the Three Tenors kibitzing contests, lending himself out as an "ambassador to opera" largely to admire his ample reflection in the media mirror (as here in Philadelphia, where he "organized" a putative opera competition, which launched no big careers but did launch his face everywhere), wearing his caddishness on his sleeve. But the man perfectly exemplified what opera too often is not about anymore, a certain grandeur, naked emotionalism, and raw power. How sad that he died in the midst of an alleged opera "renaissance" full of up-to-the-minute tunelessness and prefab singers. Sadder too because he was one of the last superstars in all classical music, which now must fend for itself with nothing but recordings, and the memories of a dying clique.

And in a new and immortal demonstration of the depthless philistinism of the hack brigade the blithering-idiot TWXSTERS first reported the news thus:

Famed opera tenor Luciano Pavarotti, who appeared on stage with singers as varied as opera star Dame Joan Sutherland, U2's Bono and Liza Minnelli, died Thursday after suffering from pancreatic cancer.

Yes, he was a celebrity, but he may have been a little more than that. It does remind us, though, that when LORD McCartney or WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE or Mr. Depends goes we'll have the psychical equivalent of a mass bludgeoning.

Posted 7:59 PM by Gene

The very charming Japanese actress Miyoshi Umeki has died. She starred in R&H's Flower Drum Song, when it was still possible to do such things without being PC.

Posted 7:54 PM by Gene

For a black comedian to "get the hook" using that word before a black audience signals progress, however snail-like.

Posted 7:51 PM by Gene

Christian Bale: Heartthrob or thespian?

It is a measure of the MESS's abuse of words that we haven't the foggiest idea what this hed is supposed to mean. We think it implies that a good actor can't be a sex symbol, or vice versa. The movie biz used to disprove this, although we can't judge from the alleged heartthrob's face, it inclining more toward the mere -- thespian.

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

Historically, there's little evidence that celebrity endorsements have done much to draw voters to political candidates. In fact, there is some consensus among political strategists that while mega-stars might generate an occasional burst of media attention, they are often not worth the downside that a close association with Hollywood can create.

But this isn't Hollywood, this is -- the Goddess OPRAH!

"My money isn't going to make any difference. My value to him -- my support of him -- is probably worth more than any other check that I could write."

Do I smell -- H-U-B-R-I-S?

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

Shucks, here we have a new masterpiece, a Western to end all Westerns, an A-CA-DE-MY A-WARD® winner, and the participants engage in -- dueling opening parties!

For shame!

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

A current Congressman and a former Congresswoman died today. Having dealt with the IRS regarding my mother's taxes for the last three months I've a question for the theologians: When a Congressman dies where does he go?

Posted 2:24 PM by Gene

WOW! The Lord God Steve introduces His new improved iPods! His stock goes down three points!

You shouldn't do that too often, God!

Update at 5:42 p.m.: Down over seven points! Profit-taking! Pffh-hh-hh!

Posted 11:47 AM by Gene

Hot on the heels of KERNGERSHWIN's discount seats, Branson East's putting one of its leading rides on -- MTV!

It's a natural! Bobby Vinton...Andy Williams...Legally Blonde The Musical!

Posted 11:35 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in ArtsJournal:

Hugo Chavez Puts Up Millions More For Music Ed

Well! Isn't THAT good news! The first musically-inclined dictatorship! Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft!

Posted 11:34 AM by Gene

The World's Most PC Broadcaster does something very un-PC:

BBC Cancels Climate Show: "Not Our Job To Save Planet" (ArtsJournal link)

Who said it isn't?

Posted 11:30 AM by Gene

Time Warner Chief Performs Without 'Stupendous Pay' (IWantMedia link)

So why has your stock performed so unstupendously since the merger, King Richard?

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

Thwarted terror attacks in Germany, a thwarted terror attack in Denmark -- no, I don't think we have to worry about those.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

In our favorite trade rag of the shoe biz, the big V:

1. Someone's starting an old-folks' channel. (Don't remind us.)

2. Congress is about to have a hearing on misogyny.

3. Slimy Reality Grease is playing to full houses despite the cri-TICS, meaning finally Branson East has become every bit as tacky as its namesake.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

When it comes to subjects like North Korea Dubya reminds us of what his alleged not-so-distant relative Harry Truman said of Henry Morgenthau: to expurgate it slightly, he doesn't know dog leavings from apple butter.

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

A SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX "fan" asks a burning question:

How did WP's Broder go from being revered to reviled?

First off, maybe SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX' rep wasn't justified to begin with. He won a P-Ulitzer. How? For what? Who knows? That and his high standing in ST. WARREN's op-ed section allowed him to be the Oracle on the Mount, with all the perks attendant thereto. Moreover SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX favors not so much bi-partisanship or non-partisanship as a kind of marshmallow faux-centrism pleasing to liberals, and this plus his blazing writing style have earned him deserved brickbats. And as we've noted before his notion of an earlier Valhalla of gentle, quiet, civilized give-and-take is largely rooted in fantasy. We don't like the population explosion of political crybabies, but SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX isn't the answer, and he never should have been.

P. S. And wouldn't you know, by relying on Romy we missed the true laugh-out-loud hilarity of this piece, starting with the masterful hed:

Why can't we all practice Broderism?

What? And sleep all day?

Our distraught SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX fan further belches:

In the wilds of the blogosphere, Broderism propagates a false stereotype of a columnist slavishly locked into the status quo. Actually, Broder appears quite able to push the envelope — albeit in a civilized way. Thus, in a recent column, Broder, after interviewing Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.), suggested that the country would be better off in 2008 with a presidential third-party victory by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, with Hagel as his running mate.

Okay, let's say he's slavishly locked into the status quo before its time, and leave it at that.

Posted 9:05 AM by Gene

Mayor Noggin may run for governor of Lousiana!

Who says the residents of Nawlans don't have a sense of humor? Maybe that's the problem.

Posted 6:43 PM by Gene

Opponents of hardline President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have assumed leadership of two of Iran's top institutions, a shakeup that reflects Western economic pressure on Iran and could lead to a less confrontational foreign policy, particularly on the nuclear issue.

We'll believe that when Nukeman stops banging his shoe.

Posted 6:39 PM by Gene

We'd like to wager a guess why Box Office Poison is. Could it be in some real ways she's the fillum's equivalent of Lucy Van Pelt?

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Unfortunately we did not notice that another of MICKEYMOUSE NIXON's innovations is going down the sink: ESPN as a DRA-MA-TIC network.

Heck it's sired enough fiction weavers as announcers. Who needs drama?

(Via ShowBizData)

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

We will not be foolish enough to say [C]RAP is dying, but our favorite PR man Rog gives us a -- kind of -- hopeful sign:

In the meantime, there's some question about what has happened to Diddy's non-profit charitable foundation, Daddy's House, which used to organize summer camps for poor kids.

According to the most recent federal tax filing, Combs only put $188,000 into Daddy's House in 2005. How times have changed. In 2004, he parked over $600,000 in the charity, and in 2003 it was over $2 million. Talk about signs of the times.

Signs of the times indeed.

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

Remember the National Recovery Administration's line -- "We Do Our Part"? Well the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers has done its:

A new study, sure to fuel the growing debate about marketing to children, found that 98% of all food advertised to children between the ages of two and 11 was high in sugar, fat or sodium.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

This is Romy's day:

Couric: My foes would attack me for wearing a white blouse

Possibly because you'd spent $200,000 on it?

Does anyone come up with better heds than Romy?

P. S. at 1:40 p.m.

"WE THINK WE HAVE A PROGRAM THAT IS EXTRAORDINARILY INFORMATIVE AND SERVES PEOPLE'S NEEDS AND IS TIME INCREDIBLY WELL SPENT!!" said executive producer Rick Kaplan, the former CNN and MSNBC president who was tapped to replace Hartman in March. "IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT A GREAT SHOW GETS POSITIVE AUDIENCE RESPONSE!!!!!" [Enthusiasm added]

For denture adhesive?

Posted 10:01 AM by Gene

If there's one reason America might avoid a depression it's that so many more people are doing so many more jobs that didn't exist fifty years ago -- like analyzing professional football. A nation that can devise such an abundance of make-work jobs has found the economic fountain of youth.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

For the 4,496th time, I repeat: does anyone other than B. S. DEFENDER believe TV viewing is good for kids?

Posted 9:12 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: It's not enough for Bugmeister Bill to want to screw up our consumer electronics -- now BRIAN ROBBER has to get in on the act.

And HE calls it CONVERGENCE. Yeah. Like two cars at 55mph.

Posted 8:39 AM by Gene

LUNACY: The Australians are spending $300 million turning Sydney into a frozen zone so Dubya and other high mucky-mucks who haven't spoken to an ordinary person in decades can lift the Opera House off its foundations with all their gas about global warming. Why do our "leaders" conjure up every excuse to bollix up the works for the peons?

Mr Howard has even appealed to would-be protesters in a video clip posted on the YouTube website not to stir up trouble during the summit.

I'm sure the would-be protesters will take that VERY seriously -- because it's on YouTube.

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

Well, if TELLING the TRUTH doesn't work, there's always this for our free and fearless press:

Brothel ads begin running in Stephens Media's weekly paper

(I know, I know, I link too much to Romy, but after all, he's first with the most, which is always too much)

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

In more stirring, bold, heart-pumping news from a free, fearless and INDEPENDENT press, USAOKAY!!!!! obligingly tells us Box Office Poison's got covers in several magazines, and is starring in three new releases, which we would say is like a triple whammy (one of them's already bombed) , but the teacher's pets of the NEUHARTHIANS can never do wrong.

Posted 8:17 AM by Gene

America's free and fearless press discovers another hero on its way to double-digit circ declines:

Rogers is sitting on his apartment's balcony, feet stretched out, still sipping soda. It's been a very busy week. He's been on CNN, the "Today" show, National Public Radio. Repeatedly he gets asked whether he feels vindicated. The answer's always yes.

So does he have any secrets?

"Don't we all?"

Has he ever had sex in a public bathroom?

"HOW IS THAT RELEVANT?????????????????" [Outraged truth-telling overemphasis added]

So -- you news hacks have an excuse for playing political dirty tricks. Fine. But just don't anyone expect then to take your self-righteousness seriously anymore.

(Via the usual Romy -- who shouldn't talk)

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

We'll NEVER hear the end of that @#$%&* LEONA HELMSLEY DOG.

Posted 8:09 AM by Gene

Daily News exam finds math scores up when difficulty rating went down

Hmmmm, maybe that's why Dubya's Every Child a Dilbert Act is working?

Posted 8:05 AM by Gene

Why America needs a free and fearless press:

Rock stars more likely to die prematurely

...said the study in the Journal of Epidemial Community Health.

Never heard of it before? Suppose that was the point? Why is everything marketing these days?

Posted 2:50 PM by Gene

Moe big news today in the leading trade mag of big-money ly...ADVERTISING:

1. Moon 'n' Stars's shareholders will be relieved to learn their company still wastes lots of money financing junk television! WHEW!

2. And shareholders of other companies will be relieved to learn the NFL is scoring triple- and quadruple-digit ad-sales increases because it's "TIVO-PROOF"! (Nevermind if it's ratings-are-declining-because-TV-stinks-proof.)

3. And we go into our political prognostication mode by predicting the winner of the 2008 presidential slog will be the candidate who can "connect" best with the electorate's -- feelings, whatever that means, which shows AdAge may not know more than, say, Politico.com.

Posted 1:55 PM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!

AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq (AP) -- President Bush tells American troops that he'll make his decision on U.S. combat force levels in Iraq based on U.S. commanders' assessments and not based on pressure from 'Washington politicians.'

Well! If that isn't unexpected!

Posted 12:11 PM by Gene

Elsewhere the Paper of Re-CORD writes a longer bio of a dog (yes, you-know-who's) than it has written about some newsworthy people in its illustrious career, but don't tell anybody.

Posted 12:02 PM by Gene

Another challenging question has America's leading center of geekdom in a whirl:

Ask Slashdot: Why Are So Many Nerds Libertarians?

Posted 10:36 AM by Gene

Now here is the sort of story that would send PINCH to the shrink if He weren't omnipotent: In Colorado Springs there's been an increase in murders, which shouldn't be a problem to a great crusading publisher as crime is a form of self-expression. But the police there blame it in part on [C]RAP -- which should certainly get a crusading billionaire publisher angry as popular culture is the fount of wisdom and the height of excellence, and anyone who would dare assail our popular culture is a PRUDE, a PHILISTINE, a CHRISTIAN, and the Lord God Pinch knows what other kinds of evils. So We sit in our new luxury executive offices, and fume, and think of how We can take it all with Us to the next realm, wherever that is.

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

Sometimes I wonder....

"The wild leaps of time and space, back and forth, the varied people and varied things that keep cropping up doubtless seem out of place. But that is the way it is. I write from a memory of the events that made the firmest impressions upon me, more or less in the order of their remembrance rather than the order of their happening. As you mature, the long exciting days and years of your youth pass before your eyes as in a montage; a montage of the events that were important in making the real you -- the now you. The now me is a composer, a song-writer. Unimportant as it may be, this little book goes on to tell what I was to experience to become that very thing. It is my answer to the question. Another writer's will be different."

Thank GOD for SEAN "DIDDY" COMBS!!!!! Right Hoagland Howard Carmichael?

I'd like to see Mariah Carey write a memoir. One-syllable words? She'd be lucky to get beyond one letter.

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

And speaking of CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED, LALA accounts the perils and trepidations attendant thereto:

It's true that in recent weeks the cable networks have been filled with new, critically acclaimed series, including FX's legal thriller "Damages," Lifetime's home-front soap "Army Wives," USA's spy drama "Burn Notice" and TNT's crime show "Saving Grace." But no matter how they fared individually, as a group these big-ticket shows didn't generate any overall growth for cable. Among both young adults and total viewers, ad-supported cable networks were up a measly 1% this summer compared with last year.

Nowhere are the risks more evident than in the strange case of AMC's "Mad Men," a costly, meticulously detailed period drama about the advertising industry during the early 1960s. Critics rhapsodized about everything from the writing to the production design. The network gave "Mad Men" a huge PR push as its first major original series.

Yet the show's ratings have been mediocre at best. Among young adults, "Mad Men" was outperformed by, to cite one also-ran, VH1's "Scott Baio is 45 & Single." [!!!!!] And overall, AMC's prime-time numbers slipped 15% this summer, to about 1.1 million total viewers.

And this RENAISSANCE of CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED programming will be bulldozed by the network reality shows for the mob before the TVs! But the mob obviously can't tell the difference, which means in all likelihood there isn't much of a difference, critical acclaim notwithstanding. Which may also explain why the mob keeps getting smaller.

Posted 9:47 AM by Gene

Sean "Diddy" Combs throws a party, and the ASSPress does an inspiring impersonation of a bobblehead:

"This party is up there with the top three that I've thrown," Combs said. "It's a party that has legendary status. It's hard to throw a party that lives up to its legend."

Mariah Carey, Busta Rhymes, Donna Karan, Ashley Olsen, Star Jones and Tommy Lee were among the guests.

Like, WOW! LEGENDARY!

Were we there? Or are we stenoing third-hand as we show-biz flacks always do?

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

Oh for God's sake, Hugo -- have yourself appointed King of Venezuela! I think Marx and Lenin would understand.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

In show-biz news from DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, the author of an overrated Oprah-approved novel (or was it?) blasts the authors of an overrated musical with "millions of fans" (well, a few hundred thousands in Branson East, anyway). FUN! And do I hear worries that the fruits of THIS RECORD $4 BILLION SUMMER!!!!! may be eaten by dogs the rest of the year? We hope so!

Posted 9:21 PM by Gene

And one inevitable result of people running screaming from our cities is the profusion of parking lots known as Interstates.

California has deserts and earthquakes; Florida has swamps and hurricanes. We see no difference otherwise.

Posted 9:19 PM by Gene

If this story is to be believed Baltimore has become one of those cities people have decided to give up on because it's unfixable.

Without going into all the wonderful things that caused such a disaster to happen, we must ask, what if it was your city?

Posted 6:56 PM by Gene

Big news today in the leading trade mag of big-money ly...ADVERTISING:

1. AT&T's dropping its cell phone claims, limply acknowledging no wireless company can be trusted;

2. An astonishing number of members of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers will not sponsor SUMNER's Lord of the Flies -- and maybe not even SUMNER Himself, but look for them to concoct excuses if it works; and

3. Wendy's is running HIP and annoying ads that may not be selling very well and won't prevent the company from being eaten up by an evil speculator -- who might then fire the ad agency. BRING BACK DAVE THOMAS!

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

Somebody's put out a Web comic book -- a GRAPHIC NOVEL about Katrina, and somebody named Zack calls it "powerful" (HIP!), so maybe it's not just newspapers that are irrelevant.

Question: Why didn't MR. MAUS think of it?

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

THE CONSPIRACY OUTSMARTS ITSELF: PAUL DRECK screams of records -- so what happens? Ars Technica says the biz makes so much money piracy isn't a problem.

SHUT UP, PAUL DRECK!!!!!

P. S.

"Look how important sequels were to summer of 2007. If we're counting on that for the fall and holiday season, we're going to be out of luck," said Paul Dergarabedian, president of Media By Numbers. "It's going to be about originality having to win out over franchise films."

We have another entry in the PAUL DRECK WATCH!

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

Here's the perfect menage à trois: Lucky Lindy, Eugenics and eternal life. Yep, I think he deserved his scorn.

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

Today I passed by a wedding -- odd day for a wedding -- and saw a thirty-foot-long stretch limo made from an SUV. I'd have called it a Gomermobile but Gomer Pyle wasn't that stupid. Nearby I saw a late-model Rolls-Royce with slit-like headlamps and bloated bumper. I guess the Beemer doesn't know how to make a Rolls. Can't anyone design a decent luxury car anymore?

I guess not, seeing as how most cars look alike.

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

When does SLIME start running such full bore press releases in the JOURNALS?

We'd guess though they wouldn't bother the righteous saints of newsdom as much as the chance He might run something CONSERVATIVE.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO SARA!

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

So Anna had a sordid sex life. I would never have guessed without Rita Cosby or Mort Zuck's Daily NOOZ to tell me.

Posted 8:50 AM by Gene

The former South Korean hostages have apologized to their nation, as well they might, for forcing their government to pay a ransom, and to bow in abject fear at the feet of terrorists.

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

In Copenhagen, one of those European burgs with no true reason for being except tourism, the anarchists, another term for youth with time on their hands and space between their ears, engage in their ritual behavior of throwing stones, which we would gather the peoples of some ancient tribes might understand, except they were smarter.

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

In Merrie Olde Englande, where the state religion was the Empire, then the Beeb, then when that failed the Cult of the Drippy Goddess Di, a substantial minority believes religion may be harmful, something we can't fault them for after a good dose of it two years ago, but which may just as well be a reflection of the sappy vicars and their religion of nothing, which left the people unprepared for those I---m revival meetings.