Posted 10:24 PM by Gene

Sen. Hein-TZZZZ' staffer army writes what it imagines to be a clever turn of phrase:

There's something much worse than being accused of "flip-flopping": refusing to flip when it's obvious that your course of action is a flop.

Hey Sen. Hein-TZZZZ, you're flippant, you flippantly flip-flopped -- and your campaign flopped. How's that for flip-flopping?

Posted 2:41 PM by Gene

Which leads us to OUR PRESS RELEASE OF THE MONTH, cut and pasted in full:

USA Network has entered into an exclusive agreement with Virgin Records, a division of EMI Music, to provide music from the label's artists for use across all of USA's marketing platforms including on-air promotion, cross-channel advertising, digital and mobile. In a first for television, the groundbreaking deal marks the first time a network has made such an exclusive pact with a record label. Additionally, a Virgin Records micro-site will be available on USA's website, usanetwork.com, which will provide artist and promotional information on the Virgin label music being heard on the network. The announcement was made today by Chris McCumber, USA's senior vice president, marketing & brand strategy.

The concept and structure of the agreement was developed by the USA marketing team, together with music media producer and strategic architect Spencer Proffer who is partnered with renowned music manager Doc McGhee in McGhee-Proffer Media. "With a rich roster depth of talented recording artists across all musical genres, Virgin is an ideal sonic partner for our 'Characters Welcome' brand initiatives," said McCumber. "We're thrilled to be working with Spencer Proffer again and are truly excited about collaborating with the Virgin team."

"USA's captivating and innovative programming is a perfect fit for Virgin's immensely talented and diverse roster, ranging from Joss Stone to Dem Franchize Boyz from Korn to KT Tunstall, and to the next generation of stars like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Johnta Austin and The Summer Obsession," added Jeff Kempler, Virgin Records Executive Vice President. "This unique relationship furthers our commitment to deliver a dynamic multi-format approach to turning music fans on to our artists' new releases."

Virgin will be the first provider of music behind network promotions for all USA programming. The #1 cable network, USA is also cable television's leading provider of original series and feature movies, sports and entertainment events, off-net television series and blockbuster films. The USA line-up includes the returning original series' MONK, DEAD ZONE and THE 4400, as well as the new series PSYCH, premiering July 7. USA is also home to ratings blockbuster, WWE's MONDAY NIGHT RAW and the country music talent competition NASHVILLE STAR, as well as the off-net home for the critically acclaimed LAW AND ORDER franchise's, SVU and CRIMINAL INTENT and the hit series, HOUSE. The net is also home to the annual WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW, the US OPEN tennis championship and numerous PGA tournaments and events.

The music will be identified in a variety of methods including chyron titles featuring the name of the artist, song, album and label. USA will also work with Virgin Records to create a specific on-air spot identifying the label as supplying the music heard on the network and driving viewers to the USA website for more information, where there will be further links to the Virgin records site. USA also plans to create in-show, on-air graphics to promote the online site.

A noted music producer/songwriter with many platinum records to his credit, Proffer has also been involved as a producer as well as music director in several award-winning film, television and Broadway projects. In the television arena, Spencer worked closely with former Showtime Networks programming president Jerry Offsay for seven years, overseeing and implementing music strategies. Additionally, he spearheaded creative and music supervision for all Showtime programming as well as for other television networks. Proffer's history with USA includes co-writing and producing the theme song and video for USA's KOJAK series and the key marketing music for USA's FRANKENSTEIN remake.

USA NETWORK is cable television's leading provider of original series and feature movies, sports and entertainment events, off-net television shows, and blockbuster theatrical films. The #1 basic cable network across the board in 1Q06, USA Network is seen in 90 million U.S. homes. The USA Network Web site is located at www.usanetwork.com. Characters Welcome.

USA Network is a program service of NBC Universal Cable a division of NBC Universal, one of the world's leading media and entertainment companies in the development, production, and marketing of entertainment, news, and information to a global audience.

About Virgin Records

Virgin Records is a division of EMI Music, the world's largest independent record company. Among the artists on the Virgin roster are Bubba Sparxxx, Dem Franchize Boyz, Jermaine Dupri, Gorillaz, Ben Harper, Janet Jackson, Korn, Lenny Kravitz, Stacy Orrico, Joss Stone, and The Rolling Stones. Virgin's U.S. headquarters are located in New York.

LITTLE JEFFY! Do you know where your money is going?

Posted 2:28 PM by Gene

Seeing a practical joke of a banner ad like this (Thanks, BoxOfficeMojo!) gives us a clue why FHM shut down in the U. S. and why the laddie mags have seen better days. What intelligent young male likes being hazed -- and in such a stupid and condescending manner? Maybe the advertising and marketing idiots at outfits like the U. S. Army and every auto company like it, but thank God for them their CEOs don't read MAXIM.

Speaking of GOODTHINGS ENTERTAINMENT, did you know its movie studio has AN OFFICIAL CAR? AN OFFICIAL BANK? AN OFFICIAL SOFT DRINK? AN OFFICIAL BOTTLED WATER? AN OFFICIAL JUICE? OFFICIAL IMAGING PRODUCTS? AN OFFICIAL CREDIT CARD? And AN OFFICIAL SPORTS DRINK? All this means is the CEOs at deaf-dumb-and-blind outfits like MorganChase and Coke and Nestlé and MasterCard spend half their time in Universal City SCHMOOZING.

Posted 1:20 PM by Gene

One way we could measure the worth of our cultural artifacts is by playing word associations -- four or five words that could accurately describe a property, and whose good or bad connotations can decide whether you want to see it. For instance:

comedy museum exhibits alive

These anodyne words describe the bad new "family" comedy that seems to be doing undeservedly well at the popcorn restaurants. Add a word...

comedy museum exhibits alive Van Dyke

...and you get Mary Poppins and a harmless nostalgia trip. On the other hand:

Iwo Jima Japanese perspective

...gets you THE GREATEST DIRECTOR EVER. Add "CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED" and you know why it's apparently bombing at the B. O., as did its PC twin. The same with

CBS Murrow McCarthy truth

or

Bush truth censorship Dixie Chicks

Who wants to see a movie like that? (And sadly, in both cases, the knockout word is TRUTH.) Or take this comparison:

Bogie Ingrid Sam

You don't need to be told what film that is. On the other hand:

Casablanca Soderburgh Clooney freedom

and you're talking a fifth-rate remake that talks a blue streak.

And then there's that Branson East triumph Oklahoma!:

sex musical

Those words suggest godawful shows like Oh, Calcutta! and Let My People Come, unsexy and clinical.

sex musical rock

This is no better; it summons the memories of "legendary" disasters like Via Galactica and Marlowe.

sex musical rock youth

This may be better as it would seem to conjure the wilderness of Woodstock, lots of naked bodies on the floor -- but then the cri-TICS barge in, and...

sex musical rock youth poignant

That last word popped up in the hosannahs, leading one to believe this is a BORE.

We suggest this may also work against Singin' in the Rain:

Motown musical

Fine -- but this isn't a Motown musical; there's no Motown in it, only some third-hand copying. If this were a Motown musical it might do okay. So we get:

Broadway R&B musical

Well, didn't Ray do R&B? Unfortunately he didn't do Broadway, and we don't have Ray, and then you read the press releases, and you get:

Broadway R&B musical American Idol

or

Broadway R&B musical black experience

and you get the suggestion this is something to be endured, not enjoyed. By contrast:

Fred Ginger

Did those movies have to be sold? Okay:

Fred Ginger Irving Berlin

or

Fred Ginger Gershwin

just so you know exactly what masterpiece you're watching.

I know this whole expostulation sounds idiotic, but I suggest lots of things can be summed up in very few words, almost without them; and that a few words can define our junk entertainment says how junky our entertainments have become, and how wise we are to them.

Posted 12:27 PM by Gene

In the vast impenetrable confines of the Congressional Senior Citizens' Home, where "80 is the new 60" (so the ASSPress says):

Dingell got an iPod Nano for his 80th birthday; now he can listen to the podcasts he has been recording.

TRANSLATION: Papa has a brand new way to love the sound of his voice.

Really though, somebody should get one for Sen. Ossified Kleagle. "Wow! My favorite color!" he'd exclaim. "White!"

Posted 12:19 PM by Gene

"No media, please!"

DIMWIT, YOU brought the case.

Posted 12:08 PM by Gene

OooooOOOOOoooooh, the League of Nations's Security Council is whapping Iran with its wet noodle!

San Giorgio or Ronzoni?

If Iran fails to comply with the resolution, the draft says the council will adopt "further appropriate measures" under Article 41.

Which means we can throw whole cauldrons of lukewarm wet noodles at them!

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

Two Democrats have declared war on free trade. Which raises the question: to whom shall the 110th Congress toady: the succor-laden Big Laborites or the tap-dancers of Gucci Way?

Decisions, decisions.

Posted 10:13 AM by Gene

The ZELIGBALL Pleasure Palace on the Potomac has -- COST OVERRUNS, and the folks who own the money-printing team scheduled to occupy it have the GALL -- er, the CLASS -- to make them up.

And all the RICHIE-RICHES will be there every day, to enjoy the games they'll watch peripherally on the poor peoples' pay.

Posted 10:12 AM by Gene

Just because the victim was drunk justifies a Wild West shooting spree?

Posted 12:59 PM by Gene

How surprising: a rape prosecution for nothing.

And in how many newsrooms were the alleged guilty as charged?

Hey Dickie V!!!!! I think it's gonna take more than ST. K. and your BIG MOUTH to bring back THE DUKIES' GOOD NAME!!!!!

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

And something called Times Watch puts up its dukes and delivers a banshee scream:

Times Watch Quotes of Note 2006

The Worst Quotes of the Year from The New York Times....

We Can't Bear Conservatives
"All manner of televised talkfests, including 'Today,' welcome [Ann] Coulter's pirate sensibilities back aboard whenever she has something to peddle, in part because seeing hate-speech pop out of a blonde who knows her way around a black cocktail dress makes for compelling viewing. Without the total package, Ms. Coulter would be just one more nut living in Mom's basement. You can accuse her of cynicism all you want, but the fact that she is one of the leading political writers of our age says something about the rest of us." -- Media reporter turned columnist David Carr, June 12.

Forgive us for thinking Tarzana is something of a cynic -- we see her as someday "reforming" -- but sorry, knee-jerk con-SER-va-tives, she does say something about the rest of us, as do the other zillionaire pundits who can only write in tantrums.

Posted 9:48 AM by Gene

Here's JIMMAH's kind of perfessers: They want him at Brandeis...and he won't have to DEBATE ANYBODY!

And one of the perfessers has

his own suggestion: Brandeis should choose Carter's book next year as the work that all incoming freshmen read over the summer and discuss it during orientation. Carter could visit to talk with them about it.

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

Alas, the spirit of common sense remains fitfully alive -- even on a college campus:

Carter called his friend and former adviser, Stuart Eizenstat, a Brandeis trustee, to ask whether he should take up the offer. But Eizenstat advised Carter against accepting the invitation of an individual professor without knowing the professor's agenda.

Eizenstat proposed the debate to Reinharz instead, because it "would make this a real academic exercise," he told the Globe last week. "The president of the university is not in the business of inviting someone, even a former president, for a book tour."

Posted 9:44 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in NRO, someone whines, "BLOGGERS NEVER SET OUT TO REPLACE THE MSM!!!!!!!!!!"

Tell that to all the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS who CURED CANCER.

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

Someone tries out for MS. TRAVERS'S POST:

The visual product belongs in near-entirety to director Steven Soderbergh, working pseudonymously as cinematographer and editor as well. His attention to period production detail drives the film, and has the wonkishly loving touch of a historical re-enactor. The celluloid is black and white. The sound recorded with hand-operated boom mikes — forcing loud, crisp line delivery and stage-style acting. Zoom lenses are out. The pre-1967 [SIC], morality-mandating Hays Code is back in.

What movie was he watching? CASABLANCA? And how did NRO get to be MOVIES CENTRAL?

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

The Speaker-Elect plans a public-relations offensive. Few who put on such shows realize that with too many of us peons the accent is on the offensive. And will people really remember this when Democrats go back to being Democrats?

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

I wonder if con-SER-va-tives are slowly, weakly, reluctantly coalescing around the notion that BOOBS McKEATING may be the least bad candidate.

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

We rolled our eyes when we saw this. Who was the natural audience for this pulp pile -- murderers? Psychopaths? Ghouls? LEGENDARY WELCH? We don't know. This rag had neither a tether or a purpose -- which is why we always hear of so many rags going bust.

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

This is idiotic. If one didn't know better one could say an esteemed me-di-CAL institution was trying to shake somebody down -- the taxpayers if at all possible. What is so special about this picture of someone getting cut up that is more special than the everyday life these tens of millions could have helped salve? How much will we taxpayers have to fork over? Who gets into trouble with the monumental debt first?

However morons try to clothe this in civic pride, this is a shameful act.

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

Elsewhere The Paper of Re-CORD makes a STATEMENT by printing a redacted op-ed piece with THE BLACK BARS OF CENSORSHIP.

Here's another gag that will win plaudits. Never has this industry been better at posturing; never has it been worse at producing a decent product. The more it postures, the less it earns, but as George M. Cohan once said, "I'd rather be right."

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 8:23 AM by Gene

Hollywood voids another masterwork -- and look who's in it:

Of the historical figures, Robin Williams’s Teddy Roosevelt is the noisiest. Once this statue steps off his equestrian roost, he behaves like a bossy, slogan-dispensing drill instructor, whipping Larry into moral shape. But beneath his bluster, the facsimile of the 26th president is an emotional basket case, who admits in a weak moment that he is a synthetic product manufactured in Poughkeepsie.

As for the landmark proper:

[I]ts cynical lack of concern for giving the characters human feelings is a grave drawback for a movie that wants to engage children.

Who says CGI is about people?

And look who else is panning the movie -- the same rag that ran an all-but-paid full-throttle press release!

Posted 8:10 PM by Gene

I guess this is a publicity stunt too?

Posted 3:21 PM by Gene

GE BANCORP AND REALTY NETWORK develops a BRILLIANT use for its air: a SIX-DAY-A-WEEK POKER SERIES.

(Via Cheapie Marketwatch)

Posted 12:04 PM by Gene

ROSIE ♥ THE DONALD!

AND THE DONALD ♥ HER BACK!

And a former editor-in-chief of McCall's ♥ her too! (Via MediaBistro)

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

We further puzzle as to why Adam Bellow wants to revive the pamphlet. Aside from paper's obsolescence, who wants to read a "60-to-80-page" blog?

Besides, Tom Paine died a long time ago.

Posted 11:00 AM by Gene

We scratch our heads: What's the difference between a fake press release and a press release?

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 10:30 AM by Gene

I wish I knew who Mr. Teachout's girlfriend is. She must be a writer or editor or some Ph.D. with a pop-culture kick, and when I surf About Last Night I hardly ever pay attention to her. Today she quotes from a movie ad-blurbist (a mem-BAH of the New Yooohk Fillum C-ri-TICS CUHcle) who, in 1,954 generous, genuinely sorrowful words tells us why CASABLANCA II -- disappoints. When a Ph.D. or whomever speaks of a cri-TIC's generous spirit we can be sure said typist creates vast gaseous verbally-freighted clouds of movie cri-TIC hot air, and is thus not worth reading. I absolutely detest the movie ad-blurbists because so many of them have this unquenchable desire to praise in the sewer depths, and they hold their noses and marvel at each new passing slop of raw waste as a masterwork, and then they compound the offense with their unending bulltripe, adding to the sewage. Really, Our Girl in Chicago should hang out with a better crowd (aside from Mr. Teachout, that is).

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

Gregg Easterbrook has an idea:

Follow a standard that for each dollar spent on self, family, and friends during the holidays, another dollar is given to the needy or to charity. Had a good year? More power to you! Celebrate with lots of presents--but give an equal amount to those who did not have a good year. Giving away as much as you spend would naturally reduce holiday excess, while making the parties and gift-giving that still happen more enjoyable, since they would come with a clear conscience. Families and groups of friends who subscribed to this idea would know they were not only indulging themselves--and nothing wrong with that--but helping others as well. It has always seemed to me that this idea could catch on if promoted from the pulpits of America as a formula for enjoying Christmas while keeping the day in spiritual perspective. All the plan needs is a catchy name. Two-For-One Christmas is the best I've been able to come up with. Please, couldn't some marketing whiz find what Malcolm Gladwell calls a "sticky" way to advance my idea?

This would take some of $ out of $MA$ and put it where it belongs.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

A profound truth teller from Roanoke calls THE NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE an anti-Semite (by indirection, of course) and is -- surprised at the REACTION.

NO-SPIN should shut up. Anyone looking for a job in TV should shut up. Why can't all pundits take one day off during the $MA$ season and deliver us a little of the peace and goodwill they're so voluminously lacking?

(Via the usual Romy, who may have had one too many cups of coffee himself)

Posted 9:09 AM by Gene

If this is such a ho-ho-ho holly-jolly season why do so many people feel like beating up on someone? How did Merry Christmas become all about buying gifts?

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

“We’re still not going to put just anything out there,” said Jeff Gaspin, president of digital content for NBC Universal. “We still have to protect the brands.”

And what brands would those be?

(Via the always perplexing ArtsJournal)

Posted 8:54 PM by Gene

Ready To Demo: A $150 Laptop With A 'Complete Computing Experience'

What are they talking about? We get a complete computing experience and all we have to do is turn on XP.

I like having a computer that does all sorts of things it doesn't have to.

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!

Posted 8:45 PM by Gene

An unfortunate woman put a baby through an airport X-ray machine (the baby emerged happily unharmed, though a little radiant), further proof Der Homeland and its tentacles are all about seeming to do something.

Posted 8:45 PM by Gene

Ah-TISTES of the UNDERWORLD are finding anything they [C]RAP can and will be used against them.

This is like prosecuting SHAKESPEARE! Only Shakespeare's rhymes were a little less "clumsy". (An ASSPress writer saying [C]RAP is CLUMSY? He should be [C]RAPPED out of the profession!)

Posted 6:34 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Willie's found another fool's gold mine.

Posted 6:32 PM by Gene

Finer says he had no control over when the study was published.

Oh no, we wouldn't do that. We're virgins.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

America's LEADING NEWS -- er, its Web site suggests THE DONALD pulled off THE GREATEST PUBLICITY STUNT EVER, but the story's meager "1" rating from readers suggests people might be having it with publicity stunts and those who "report" on them.

OR:

Posted By: Vic Perry (12/20/2006 12:29:45 AM)

Nothing funnier than Newsweek innocently asking the question, is it all just for the publicity?

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

1. A SLIME factotum drones, "I have no clue what is offensive." How about If I Di...whooooOOOOOOOaaaaaaa.

2. A federal judge "questioned why the FCC wasn't taking as strict an approach to violence on television, which she said has been proven to adversely affect children."

BECAUSE BRENT'S IN THE ROOM!

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

OOOOOoooooh, looks like the gang's getting mad at Mitt because he may or may not be a CONSERVATIVE!

What'll it be, Mitt?

Posted 10:09 AM by Gene

Surprise: The Goldmans are suing SLIME.

That was some sweeps stunt, SLIME.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 9:39 AM by Gene

A SI SAP SEZ:

Barbera, Tuesday's news reports said, died at home in Los Angeles of natural causes with his wife, Sheila, by his side.

If Snuffles the dog had been there, he no doubt would have floated heavenward with Barbera's spirit while Snagglepuss delivered the benediction:

"Exit, stage left, even."

This genuinely CRETINOUS writing points out how the idiot news biz is thoroughly afflicted with BOOMERITIS -- and this SI SAP ADMITS to it. (That's said to be a "disease" of the body; it's also a disease of the head.) "LEGEND!" "BELOVED!" "GIANT!" I really don't want to make a thing of this, but dammit the hacks are obsessive: back in '69 the New York Times Magazine ran a scathing 3,000-word criticism (link only; it's part of TimesReject) of these legendarily beloved giants -- this at the time Sesame Street premiered, a show Bill and Joe and their friends willed into being with their incompetence. We forget the legendarily beloved giants' output was so bad that after the assassinations of '68 there was quite a bit of pretentious hand-wringing about their influence, so much so that Bill and Joe put on something called The Banana Splits to mollify them, and arranged a huge PR campaign about its "revolutionaryness" -- the "revolutionary" live-action sequences (designed not by the legendarily beloved giants but by the KROFFTS) merely bookending more animated recyclables. This industry refuses to call a spade a spade; even LEONARD MALTIN blasted their TV work, and that says something.

And on top of this mass buncombe the hacks are getting into their Waffen SS mode praising CLINT's Os-CAR® nominee. THE GREATEST DIRECTOR EVER is a cynic: he has the American side of his thus-far money-losing duology of the war going first to get that out of the way -- then brings out a PC Japanese take in time to get the prostrated Academy-Award®-nominating raves of hacks not a one of whom ever served in any uniform, even as a security guard. The non-stop ad-blurbist groupthink is reason enough newspapers deserve their current misery -- but those mangy alley cats haven't gone through three lives yet.

P. S. Hed from a TRIB ad-blurbist's blog:

Joe Barbera, perfector of the endlessly repeated animated backdrop, dies

NUF SAID.

P. P. S. It appears the author of that Times Magazine piece went on to become some sort of ESPNCorp scribbler, but heck the truth comes in various shapes and sizes.

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

News that this cleric or that spiritualist is begging for an end to the sectarian butchering is almost as wearying as the other news from Iraq. We would hope the various faiths would realize their God, whatever flavor He comes in, might be weary of all the killing Himself, except that there are others (principally Iranian and Saudi) who seem to think He looks best in a raiment of blood -- and unfortunately these folk are our enemies too.

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

Here's a con-SER-va-tive's dream: the environs of Paramus, New Jersey, nothing but malls and traffic jams.

Why don't we just pass a law forbidding retailing in cities? The Babbitts who invented malls had that idea anyway.

Posted 8:39 AM by Gene

Time has been widely ridiculed for seeming vague and wishy-washy. I'd agree that that the amorphous "You" doesn't really stand for anything. Time still comes out looking like a winner, though. It's getting a mountain of publicity, always a good thing in the media.

And Time media critic Jon Friedman says....

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

THE PAPER OF RE-CORD may start a TABLOID!

I can see it now: "MR. PRESIDENT TO NEW YORK: PLEASE LIE DOWN."

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

Bush to Expand Size of Military

NOW he tells us.

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

People are in a lather because Digg.com has gone "popular."

I do not have the foggiest idea why people use news aggregators besides Google News. If people had a decent collection of bookmarks, including every big mainstream news Web site (and yes, that's where the news still comes from), they wouldn't need aggergators. And the Holy Grail of finding the needle of wisdom in the haystack of Web dross remains just that -- a Grail.

And judging from what I just saw the Digg.com audience's choices are ASININE.

Posted 11:26 AM by Gene

HAHVAHD MUTUAL FUND is in MOURNING because its SEX RAG is falling apart.

OR:

The last Harvard student to publish a book while a fulltime undergraduate was Kaavya Viswanathan ’08. Viswanathan’s book, “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life,” was pulled from shelves by the publisher after plagiarism concerns were raised—initially reported by The Crimson.

Maybe they're too busy plagiarizing.

(Via the usual Romy, who must have a secret life, huh huh huh)

Posted 11:22 AM by Gene

The DONALD gives the DISGRACED Miss Whatever a "second chance", further reason SLIME and his KINFOLK should occasionally SHUT UP.

Posted 11:02 AM by Gene

America's AHchitects have awarded the IMMORTAL Vietnam Veterans Memorial with something, which means they can go on with impunity designing steel boxes and land-gobbling office parks and museums that look like cantaloupe slices.

(Via the usual AHTSJournal)

Posted 10:49 AM by Gene

Now USAOKAY!!!!! does the Thinker-pose routine with breast implants.

Face it, a lot of women want to look fake.

Posted 10:23 AM by Gene

Warning: do not go to this film

Here’s some advice from Los Angeles for the new year: do not, under any circumstances, go and see Brad Pitt’s new movie, Babel, when it reaches British cinemas on January 5. Babel is currently leading the Golden Globe nominations — thus making it a contender for Best Picture at the Oscars in February. There’s no sane reason for this, because Babel is so boring it made me want to hunt down the man responsible for the film’s windswept ethnic guitar soundtrack and smash the aforementioned windswept ethnic guitar over his head....

Which brings me to Borat. Ironically, this film — about the world’s perception of America, America’s perception of the world, and the unwillingness of otherwise well-meaning people to speak up against racism — was more intelligent (and stimulated more debate) than any of Pitt’s Tower of Babel nonsense. Not that I would give Borat the Oscar for that reason. No, it deserves to win because it was so funny that half the audience during my screening were on the floor blahblahblah....

Warning: Do not read any SLIME functionary who knocks A COMPETITOR'S MOVIE while SELLING HIS COMPANY'S OWN.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD (U. K. DIVISION) TO CHRIS!

Posted 9:37 AM by Gene

A North Carolina woman was arrested on Friday night after complaining to Putnam County deputy about the quality of the crack cocaine she had purchased.

Eloise D. Reaves, 50, walked up to Deputy Jeffery Pedrick at about 11:30 p.m. while he was working a call at a convenience store located at the corner of state Road 20 and state Road 21 in the Hawthorne area of Putnam County.

According to police, Reaves told the deputy that a man in the parking lot had sold her bad crack. They said Reaves then took the crack from out of her mouth and placed it on the trunk of the deputy's patrol car.

To say this woman was on crack assumes there was something for the crack to work on.

(Via USAOKAY.com)

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

There is no reason the high concept of EDGY can't justify one of the Reverse Robin Hoods sponsoring a porno project.

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

We smile: SLIME's "confessional" may cost him a lot more than even shredded books.

Remember, SLIME, it wasn't La Caballista who gave it the green light.

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

Meantime E. J. insists that with their combined audience of what, 3 million? the ED MURROW and ERIC SEVAREID of COMEDY herald a SEA CHANGE from the FORCES OF REACTION.

And what is the difference between an eructing TV loudmouth and an eructing scribbling pundit?

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

Florence King comes out for HHHWWWALTER CRRRONKITE JR.?!?!? She almost makes a case that buried inside the man is a truly intelligent soul tortured as if on a rack over untruth; but then he opens his mouth, just as THE NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE opens his, and we believe none of him or them.

Meantime SLIME says he'll be lucky if he gets $1.5 million, but SLIME is in no position to talk "obnoxious."

Posted 9:59 PM by Gene

We see the First Lady had thankfully successful surgery for skin cancer in November, and only now do the Rovers tell us, and when asked why it took them so long to tell they say, "Such things are for us to know and you to find out." Does Dubya live in a cloistered cell?

Posted 9:17 PM by Gene

"A writer and brand analyst [!!!!!] living in Brooklyn" seems to think violent porno is bad because it JUSTIFIES ABU GHRAIB. We will not guess what the fellow's facial skin color is when he conjures up Dubya in his dark recesses -- possibly somewhere near the Coca-Cola logo -- but implying that Hollywood's porn phreaks are some sort of Republicans suggests a writer not too firmly tethered by reality.

Posted 8:59 PM by Gene

News hacks have trouble running obits with partnerships. Either when the first partner dies they ignore the second, or if the first one died a long time ago, the second one gets all the credit. The former happened years ago with Fritz Loewe; the latter seems to have happened with Joseph Barbera. We're not sure either he or William Hanna deserves that much applause. The two produced MGM's Tom and Jerry cartoons, at their worst miniatures of sadism; when the studio abandoned cartoons they embraced television, with notorious results: cartoons as marketing machines for vastly overpriced boxes of sugared cereals (BROUGHT to YOU byyyyyyyyy KELLOGG'S!!), the raging copying (The Honeymooners as The Flintstones and The Flintstones as The Jetsons being only the most preposterous examples), the hyperactive backgrounds and non-existent "humor". Animating for their accountants they did hack work even with "special" projects (an Alice in Wonderland show with songs by Strouse and Adams, for one -- not to mention eight feature movies); they further pioneered in bringing the comic-book mentality to the tube with Jonny Quest, which resounds to this day in the dread humorlessness of superheroes in all media. And for all their frenetic production one can question whether Hanna and Barbera were good businessmen: forty years ago they had their own studio (they sold it in '66 to the forgotten Taft Broadcasting), and now it's just celluloid scraps within the TWXSTERS' vaults, and they've faded except for a misplaced nostalgia, and a guilt feeling.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

MORE CRUSADING TRUTH TELLING FROM THE ASSPRESS:

Online vote says Spears worst dog owner

P. S. from a Lakers game at the Staples Center:

When Brit's face popped up on the Jumbotron, according to a TMZ spy in attendance, the entire crowd booed loudly, making Britney so mad that she left even before halftime.

When TMZ.com can show better judgment than the ASSPress -- but that isn't saying much.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

AmSpec scratches its heads: Having starred in THE GREATEST COMEDY EVER, Three-Time-Bob Barr goes all the way and joins the GLIBERTARIAN PARTY.

Having previously joined the Black Helicopter Party makes this the PERFECT fit.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

A deadly admission of why television by elite committee is bound to fail -- near the end of a LALA story:

Who says that the audience always makes aesthetic quality the driving force behind its viewing habits? If that were the case, one would assume that NBC's game show "Deal or No Deal" would die from lack of attention (it's doing just fine, thanks). NBC Universal, in fact, even runs a website, http://www.brilliantbutcancelled.com, dedicated to acclaimed shows that couldn't cut the mustard with viewers. And who decides what's "good," anyway?

TV execs, media buyers and critics and columnists, like yours truly, are hardly a representative sample of Americans. [EMPHASIS ADDED]

HARDLY.

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

Sen. Clinton Opposes Troop Surge in Iraq

HILLARY FOR...never mind.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Nukeman's a THUG?

Who'd have guessed?

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

The NFL makes the NBA look GOOD.

Posted 12:54 PM by Gene

He was a prison guard...and that's why we -- THEY used $10 million worth of polonium to kill him.

Makes sense.

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

Somebody says pot is a $500 zillion cash crop blahblahblah.

Jon Gettman, the report's author, is a public policy consultant and leading proponent of the push to drop marijuana from the federal list of hard-core Schedule 1 drugs — which are deemed to have no medicinal value and a high likelihood of abuse — such as heroin and LSD.

Is anything more offensive than a statistic that LOBBIES?

Posted 11:02 AM by Gene

Hmm, could all that BANGBANGBANGING about nuking Israel and about the Holocaust being a myth have hurt Nukeman with his own people, huh?

Posted 10:50 AM by Gene

SACHA SYNDROME -- AGAIN:

Out of enthusiasm for the promise Spring Awakening holds, I worry that my raving fellow critics and I may be overselling the show. It gets the adrenaline pumping, no question, but there are still a couple of wobbly performances, some dead spots when Bill T. Jones isn’t contributing his brilliant choreography, and the whole thing doesn’t so much end as rush for the exit. More generally, although we’re all besotted with the songs just now, further reflection may reveal that what is A-minus work when judged against Broadway scores is only a B compared to first-rate pop. So see it, but see it without any expectation of a masterpiece.

THEN WHY DID YOU IDIOTS CALL IT A MASTERPIECE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

All these blithering TALKING HEADS will soon make SO MUCH MONEY they could SOLVE half the problems they complain about.

But MSNBC brass may have their hands tied on how much they can pony up for Olbermann. MSNBC parent NBC Universal has mandated $750 million worth of budget cuts across all divisions, and this is hardly a politic time to hand out a gargantuan raise. Meanwhile, CNN may have interest.

CNN: ALL LOUDMOUTHS ALL THE TIME!!!!!

Posted 10:26 AM by Gene

Some self-appointed expert named Zagorski looks in his "crytal [SIC] ball" and says....

-- At least 3 major daily newspapers will shut down their traditional print businesses and go to an online-only model. Two will fail, and one will get purchased by Google.

This sounds like an 0-fer. G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE buying a newspaper when it can control 27 universes?

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Perhaps if our domestic Hitchcocks and Kurosawas emphasize the weird and embarrassing it's because they have the great boob screen to encourage them. The biz' latest fad is game shows, for too many reasons to delineate here, except to say that any network that has essentially ceded so much of its real estate to dead air deserves what it gets.

That rather undercuts our self-eroding argument for REALLY BIG SHOWS, does it not?

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Okay Jeremy, you had a chance to give us some of the "impressive results" of populist media in action. So what did you do? You merely cited PEOPLE NEWSRAG's examples of "the weird and embarrassing." Could it be, Jeremy, that with millions rushing to make their own videos that pretty well sums up the offerings? How many Raoul Walshes and Fritz Langs are out there? Not very many. But there are a lot of people with a camera.

Posted 7:56 PM by Gene

Disaster aid -- the sharia way!

“Nobody intended our aid to subsidise this,” said one United Nations official.

You mean you buffoons aren't chuckling in private?

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

Whiny Harry says George can add a few soldiers in Baghdad -- but then he wants them outoutOUT!

Why do I get the feeling every Senator's about to become an armchair general?

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

The Big V ponders all those "issues" pictures (i.e., the usual AHThouse heavy-duty cranium flexing) -- and strikes a surprisingly sour note:

"There's a lot of roadkill out there," says one distribution exec. "You have to look at the marketplace in general and ask what's fixing everyone's attention. What's the public saying? 'I don't like these movies.' "

Clown, you've been making roadkill since the IMMORTAL JACK said you could put it on the screen. You're making movies for nobody but YOURSELVES. You're engaged in NATIONAL ONANISM. And your biz WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.

NO WONDER WE DON'T LIKE THESE MOVIES.

"People are not interested in exposing themselves to these (serious) stories," says one distribution head. "Are people in the mood to be pensive? It didn't happen this fall. We're back to the same political issues."

Because we KNOW by HEART what your "ISSUES" are -- and we have ISSUES with your ISSUES.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Here I thought USAOKAY!!!!! was the only paper that tried its readers' patience with Thinker-pose sociology, but here the Hearsties do it with 1,900 WORDS on Bratz dolls.

When Confucius (or whomever) said "A picture is worth 1,000 words" he could never have known the modern-day NEWS HACK.

Posted 2:25 PM by Gene

So what can we deduce from the latest B. O.-number inventions? 1. That many movie S&M phreaks are sentimental saps; 2. That there might not be the kind of market for mind-numbing adolescent fantasy THE CONSPIRACY thinks (another movie that went down Friday to Saturday); 3. Parents are impoverished after all those CGIs; 4. Anti-Semitism can only go so far; 5. People don't want to be harangued about politics in the popcorn restaurants; 6. One Casablanca was enough; and 7. PAUL DRECK could be found guilty of a crime and HACKS LIKE DAVID "NON" GERMAIN WOULD STILL QUOTE HIM.

And to think a year ago THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER opened. Remember?

Posted 11:24 AM by Gene

The bad news:

One well-placed publishing industry source said there were reports that Regan had begun preliminary talks with several TV networks for a possible job.

The worse news:

"The mission of this business is to reflect the full breadth of American culture, but it [SIC] all takes place on a few square miles of Manhattan."

And that patch of terra firma's getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

P. S. The SLIME of trade books was fired for making an "offensive" call, which we presume to mean involved the sort of politically-incorrect language that would get the Reverse Robin Hoods mad if they heard it on FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, even as nothing else can.

Posted 10:12 AM by Gene

Ben Stiller has a secret, and he'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell his parents.

"Growing up on the upper West Side, I used to cut school and hide out at the Museum of Natural History," the actor and director says.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO SMALL JONATHAN!

Posted 10:06 AM by Gene

Oh good -- ANOTHER sports brawl for the SPONSORS to run away from!

Robinson was asked specifically if he regretted that the fight spilled into the front row.

"No, not at all," Robinson said. "Things happen. I'm the type of guy that thinks things happen for a reason. From what they did in keeping guys in, I knew a foul was going to come because we are not going let guys keep dunking and keep dunking. They are up 20 and they have their starters in. It was a good, clean hard foul and it went downhill from there."

What? We worry?

Posted 9:44 AM by Gene

The Republican Congressional dimwits did such a good job with budgeting that now many Federal programs will have to scale back. All-in-all we wonder if that's such a bad thing -- Der Homeland and Energy and EHDYUKAYSHUN could tighten themselves by a few belt-notches -- but then maybe a few worthwhile projects might have to cut back too. One thing's sure: David Obey's ready to throw a royal l'etat-c'est-moi tantrum on the FLOOR.

The only good news is this "crisis" will wipe out tons of those idiot EARMARKS -- but they'll be back in one form or another. THEY'LL BE BACK.

...another $1.5 million for bridge and street repairs in Columbus, Ohio....

And now that we think of it we wonder if gutting the EARMARKS is an unalloyed good since it merely means local taxpayers will foot more of their own bills. But EARMARKS are the sneakiest means of legislating to come down the pike since Eldridge Gerry started slicing and dicing Congressional districts.

Posted 9:31 AM by Gene

And how could we forget -- it's time for PEOPLE NEWSRAG'S Nincompoop of the Year...and this year the rag cops out: it's "YOU" -- a celebration of all the deals King Richard missed to get into YouTube and MySpace and everything else that could have hoisted TWX back to $90 a share. (They may think the print cover is clever -- a reflective square in the center -- but what is that but those old "Person of the Year" vanity mirrors?)

Indeed the TWXSTERS and their archenemies at WaPost take so much time on their frills they barely have time for things like the resignation of our "friends" the Saudis' U. S. ambassador. These are things we might like to know. But we don't have time for those -- have to elect presidents and sell show-biz. By the way, I saw your last issue yesterday -- lots of WIDE margins and BIG type and colorful graphics. If you're going to turn PEOPLE NEWSRAG into a kiddie book why should all those coffee tables subscribe?

P. S. at 5:05 p. m. It appears alas I was wrong about the cover: when I first spotted it on PEOPLE NEWSRAG's Web site it was missing the "You." That made me think it had a reflective square. I still think that was the intention. (Unless the "You." is in the middle of a reflective square, but it just looks for all the world like a gray blob.)

P. S. at 5:10 p. m. I WAS RIGHT.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

It's double-issue time! Time to take two weeks off from you clowns! (Hooray!) Let's see -- who's on your covers? Let's start with Abe and Hitlery -- oh, if only we could always have to decide between two GREAT candidates, right Jonny "The Thinker" Alter? "[I]t's a safe bet that both would use their global star power to repair America's image abroad." Finally we get to apologize!

Elsewhere in the world, James Dickeyson tells us about France's Hillary, a Gandhi takes office in India (another?) and our former hero Daniel Ortega's "back." Except for the vast unappetizing heaping of CW we sure would like to know more about these people, JonBoy, instead of you running elections and telling us what to think. Why not, JonBoy?