Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

ANOTHER CON-SERRRRRRRR-VA-TIVE CAUSE: I have always suspected there was something of the short-shrift to Starbucks. If one of its nearby emporiums is typical it seems as though it shuts down its cafes periodically -- it says for "renovations", I'm convinced to replace the help. So I am not surprised to learn it's cheating the baristas (as they must be called) out of their tips. We say this is a con-SERRRRRRRR-va-tive cause because as the infinitely fatuous Jo-NAH and that blithering pompous ass MB2 have lectured us outfits like Mickey D's teach all manner of virtues through their microscopic salaries, but sometimes the salaries may be too microscopic.

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

If this is true, it would seem the people and news hacks have different definitions of COURAGE.

(Via Contentions)

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

I did not think I'd have a reason to comment on this heart-wrenching story, but I do now. I HAD to stumble across a YouTube site featuring an animation that made death cute. (I will not link.) When death is cute more people will feel less of a compunction not to commit murder. I for one wouldn't be unhappy with a new censorship regime that would banish Hollywood's death worship and all manner of porn to the dustbin, and the daily news provides us with many reasons to justify it.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

“There is a war going on here, a war against terrorism, against fanaticism, that we cannot and will not lose,” he said at the time.

That, if anything, is an understatement.

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

Brian Lowry has a distant cousin who writes for BizWeek, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

When we don't get plugs we get insider baseball. Does anything stink more intensely than show-biz nooz?

Posted 1:38 PM by Gene

"Straight talk" from a crooked party:

"INSTEAD OF BUILDING BARRACKS IN IRAQ, WE COULD BE HELPING MILLIONS OF AMERICANS AVOID LOSING THEIR HOMES TO FORECLOSURE!!!" he said. "INSTEAD OF POLICING THE STREETS OF BAGHDAD, WE COULD BE INVESTING IN UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE AND A BETTER EDUCATION SYSTEM!!!!!" (Overemphasis added)

Hey Bobby, we'll need better health care -- after a few dirty bombs.

Posted 1:18 PM by Gene

Is it too much to hope all those "hundreds of millions" corporations are wasting to powder and primp the Chinese regime will go down the drain?

Posted 9:55 AM by Gene

Like other people who believe the world revolves around them, Jeremiah Wright never seems to stay quiet for long.

Open your mouth, Rev! Pfffffffffffffffft!

Posted 9:41 AM by Gene

Colm Tóibín was born in Enniscorthy, Co. Wexford in the southeast of Ireland in 1955. He was the second youngest of five children. His grandfather Patrick Tobin was a member of the Irish Republican Army, as was his grand-uncle Michael Tobin. Patrick Tobin took part in the 1916 Rebellion in Enniscorthy and was subsequently interned in Frongach in Wales. Colm Toibin's father was a teacher who was involved in the Fianna Fáil party in Enniscorthy. (Emphasis added)

NUF SAID.

Posted 7:28 PM by Gene

Sun-Times woes: Does murdering a paper break any laws?

Well if not let's make it a crime, right Romy?

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Annan: 'Hypocrisy' in global response to Darfur

Er, Kofi, aren't you well down the list on people who should say that? Or is this your idea of a mea culpa?

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

Speaking of recorded sound, we wonder if The Messiah likes [C]RAP. We can see Him at some show-biz function, stupidly bobbing His head to the beat of the latest masterwork, with its N words and F words and S words and P words and B words, and maybe even mouthing a line -- and then realizing a camera was on Him, and in naked horror He'd shout, "THIS IS AWFUL." Then He'd turn back to the sound, and turning back to the camera He would add, "BUT...."

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

Today, going through our favorite used record store and coming across a tired old copy of the soundtrack of Cabaret, we realized the problem with Liza Minnelli: you wanted to look below her waist but had to look above her neck.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

On Visit, Pelosi Offers Support to Dalai Lama

Well that's easy enough; isn't he one of her constituents?

Pfffffffffffffffft!

Posted 1:21 PM by Gene

ASSPress gets even deeper into the show-biz publicity biz!

You want to be "editor"-in-chief, NIK?

(Via ArtsJournal)

Posted 11:10 AM by Gene

Foggy Bottom may not know its fat fog-bound fanny from a hole in a ground when it comes to Iran or North Korea, but it sure can ferret out information on presidential candidates!

COLINETTE MUST GO!

Posted 9:32 PM by Gene

Is this the beginning of the end for gambling as a panacea?

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

Despite all the money to be made (however improbably), is anything more boring than the first round of MARCH MADNESS®?

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

I hate iconoclasts, self-declared or otherwise. Why? There are limits to their iconoclasm. As the tales of certain fearless animations and operas tell us the same people who cackle psychotically over Christians do a Star Trek transporter vanishing act when faced with M----ms. Also they can dish it out but can't take it; they'll attack your supposed bad taste but accuse them of philistinism or groupthink and they'll scream as though Comedy Central went out of business -- or like an army of KATHRYNS. Worse, they tend to be Machiavellis -- and MARKETERS.

We mention this because up north is congealing a classic case of self-declared iconoclasm (A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO GUY GUY!), and we suspect everyone behind it is precisely the sort of fake we've just mentioned. All the better to make the millions they probably won't make. That it's coming from THE AMERICAS' MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT COUNTRY™ enhances the smell.

I want to see SAMMY GLICK...MAN dance around this one.

(Link in second graf via the frequently irritating ArtsJournal-Eh)

Posted 5:39 PM by Gene

By the way I just got word of Dubya's Idle Boast from the IRS, in a perforated mailing you had to tear open at the edges. (Why?) The only thing missing was his face and the words, "GEORGE WANTS TO GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY!"

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

Paramount's Grey denies knowing of Pellicano's actszzzzzzzzzz (Snore added)

Does anyone IN LALA care?

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

At some point SLIME's shareholders must ask, doesn't God have enough playthings?

Sounds as if the Col. may be doing a little empire unbuilding.

Nothing yet on THE CORNER. There'll be plenty of time for delusions.

(Via His Cheapie Marketwatch)

Posted 2:39 PM by Gene

The holy cockroaches have their kryptonite. Problem is, the Fumblers, Bumblers and Incompetents and the C-Nothing-A are ALL kryptonite.

CAVEAT: This article has three "formers", and we know what THAT means.

Posted 2:28 PM by Gene

Using Customer Service as a Branding Opportunity



Excellent idea!

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

Coming soon to Branson East (we hope): a BRADY BUNCH MUSICAL!

Just when you think the theaTAH can't get any more CRASS....

Posted 2:17 PM by Gene

Sarah Jessica Horseyface -- unsexy?

Heaven forbid!

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

And speaking of tyrants, International Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, you want to stay out of politics. So why didn't you stay out of the BEIJING GAMES?

We know why. "I WAS AT THE SUMMER OLYMPICS AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!!!!!!"

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

Kendall also brought Pepsi to Russia and was awarded the Order of Friendship by Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, in 2004.

CONGRATULATIONS! Pfffffffffffffffft!

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

[I]t's still a drain to hear the same phrase over and over, channel after channel, column after column. It might be time to throw "under the bus" under the bus.

Not to mention all the reporters, editors, anchorpoops, producers, etc., etc., etc., who will inflict this phrase upon us for TIME IMMEMORIAL.

Posted 8:49 AM by Gene

What?!? Not every knee shall bow, nor every tongue confess, to the Lord?!?

Now -- how can news hacks call these people bigots without calling them bigots?

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

GM: Not Making Hybrid a 'Mistake'

If we had to list all the mistakes the Clunker Brothers have made we wouldn't stop listing.

Posted 8:14 AM by Gene

Okay, we understand why Rex doesn't want to plow more effort into finding more oil: the more The Big XX looks, the more expensive it gets. So who's going to find it for us?

Posted 8:53 PM by Gene

Okay con-SER-va-tives, we want to hear from you: why ISN'T such stock gamesmanship a crime?

Posted 3:01 PM by Gene

The DUHB knows all about statistics, and he knows all about why RON PAUL!!!!!!!!!! is such a wonderful guy, but....

I didn't know that Cosby is a Philadelphian.

You've got to get your nose out of those math textbooks, Duhb.

Posted 2:34 PM by Gene

LATER, AFTER FINALLY USING A FEW OF WHAT BRAIN CELLS THEY HAD LEFT:

MEDIA WEB
Hef bares all ... well almost
Jon Friedman discusses Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, his legacy and what's behind the empire's success.

Do you suppose somebody had an ethics spasm? Or just another BRAIN spasm?

Posted 2:25 PM by Gene

Will someone tell me why news hacks must make vast parts of their empires available to unpaid advertising? Doesn't it occur to these CRETINS that the more they sell the more they help wean people from BUYING?

ANOTHER NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD, to SUSAN PLOTZ -- and a NEUHARTHISM OF THE YEAR AWARD IS POSSIBLE!

Posted 12:02 PM by Gene

Down, boy! Down, MediaBistro!

Times Hunts at Slate, Vibe for New Pop Music Critic (NYO)
"Being pop critic at the Times is a dream job — certainly it was mine," the former occupant of that position, Kelefa Sanneh, wrote in an email this week. But a little more than two weeks ago, Sanneh left his dream job for the other dream job: a reporting gig at The New Yorker. Since March 3, the word has been spreading in music circles that A NEW MUSIC-CRITIC STAR WAS ABOUT TO BE MADE!!!!! (Star-making overemphasis added)

Can someone inform these clowns they're NOT curing cancer!

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

Apparently the latest excuse among liberals for the Messiah is that He showed His "human" side by not "throwing his pastor under the bus." (Apt phrasing, given their hero's brilliant speechifying.) Look, I'm all for loyalty too, but don't some things demand a repudiation? And yes, it would seem hasty and unseemly for Mess to toss His pastor from His circle of friends, not to mention cheaply political, but at some point compassion must collide with plain old common sense. After all, as Messiah -- PRESIDENT he MAY have to fire somebody.

I guess Kev has his tacky partisan moments too -- JUST LIKE THE CORNER. Why do so many find it so easy to consume BROMIDES?

Posted 9:22 AM by Gene

MEDIA WEB
The sweet life
Legendary [obligatory roll-the-eyes SIC] Playboy publisher tells Friedman: even the rumors are true.

And Little Jonny Hairshirt believed him.

We'd like to hear a few rumors about Dorothy Stratten ourselves -- legendary or no.

Posted 9:19 AM by Gene

"This is not a fair fight," Haven says. "Average fans can't compete with corporate expense accounts. … There's no explanation other than greed. It sends the wrong message about what college sports should be about."

Pardon -- this sends the right message.

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

There is something annoying about this story. I wish I knew why so many believe in the shrink cult and its ability to solve anything -- especially news hacks, who already worship Oprah and her touchy-feely mealy-mouthedness. Regardless we doubt if Dubya and his technocrats who rushrushrushed to "solve" the Bear crisis give a damn about people at the bottom of the ladder, especially as they've never been there.

It's official: the devil is an ass.

Posted 8:48 AM by Gene

Alas, the stoopids are back to mushing their brains with awful sitcoms.

Posted 8:35 AM by Gene

And yes, we may ask -- whom do the news hacks fool when they profess to be "stunned"?

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

GENIUS FOR THE AGE OF THE MESSIAH: Somebody's reviving Carousel in an EXTREMELY minimalist production that uses (to quote an admiring ad-blurbist) "a piano, a couple of woodwind players, a string quartet and a bass." I know such conceits get oohs and aahs from the scribblers but with a piano, a couple of woodwind players, a string quartet and a bass, mightn't something be -- missing?

Not that the hacks would notice. As their rock-mewsic re-VIEWS prove they pride themselves on their tone-deafness.

P. S.

Theatre For The Nap & Drool Set (ArtsJournal link)

Reviewers? Oh, "toddlers"!

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

And if the hacks think that by running press releases like this they're diverting us from their shortcomings, we can assure them that's not true -- if anything, the more such press releases they run, the angrier we get.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO SOLVEJ! [SIC!]

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

Jump in homicides not tied to racial animosity, LAPD says

To paraphrase THE MASTER, "What is your drift, sirs?"

That the muni-CI-pal types in LALA don't know pretty well signals they've given up on crime control.

We may further guess the number of homicides solved is close to zero, QED.

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

I don't know whether this FIVE YEARS biz is in the same vein as the GRIM MILESTONE biz, but it points to another reason news hacks are becoming so vaporous: instead of reporting on news, they report on the cosmetics surrounding the news. Have ever the news hacks been more anniversary-centric than they are now? And to what purpose?

Posted 8:14 AM by Gene

Editorial: Mr. Obama’s Profile in Courage

It is one thing for editorial pages to be irrelevant. At what point do they become counterproductive?

This is at the top of the list of the reasons I can't stand news hacks: they love the sound of their own typing.

Posted 5:18 PM by Gene

Shucks, even a few liberals don't see to think this "brilliant", "masterful" speech will do anything. Indeed when I hear words like "brilliant" and "masterful" my first thought is of movie ad-blurbists -- and my second is of all the hacks whose talk of brilliant, nuanced speeches have given us decidedly third-rate leaders. They overrate the speeches, and they overrate the speakers. And this biz with the Messiah and race has already become festeringly tiresome, and all his well-meaning talk has set back race relations a few...months, anyway.

Posted 2:21 PM by Gene

Oops! Only 0.75 percent! DEPRESSION!

Posted 12:56 PM by Gene

JPMorgan Chase will guarantee all of Bear’s trading obligations. It was clearly a priority for the Fed to ensure that Bear’s buyer commands trust if it is to step in as counterparty in trades that have a notional value, reportedly, of a staggering $10 trillion.

IS THAT ALL?!?!?

Posted 12:45 PM by Gene

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh, at least they didn't pay for their assignations.

Posted 12:41 PM by Gene

Dubai plants an ugly leaky STARCHITECT's building in LALA!

Is the sheikhs' fetish for ugly buildings a disease?

There remain skeptics who wonder whether downtown L.A. is being overdeveloped with condo projects.

Haven't they heard? The housing bust and the credit bust have ENDED FOR ALL TIME!!!!!

Posted 11:23 AM by Gene

ALL AMERICA'S ECONOMIC PROBLEMS ARE OVER!

Unless the Fed cuts less than a full percent, then....

Posted 10:36 AM by Gene

Yes my pastor said some nasty things. BUT....

Very uniting.

Posted 9:12 PM by Gene

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

GOVERNMENT...

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

...IS TO BLAME...

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

...FOR THE HOUSING...

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

..."BUBBLE"...

KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

...IF IT WAS ONE!

Once again: I HATE KNEE-JERK LOCKSTEP PARTISANS!

Posted 7:42 PM by Gene

New York's new governor has a real chance to be a leader. Let's hope he doesn't slip on the twin banana peels of pride and arrogance that tripped up his predecessors.

Posted 5:58 PM by Gene

Applause, applause! Vociferous applause --
From orchestra to gallery
Could mean a raise in salary!
(OR: News hacks are playing with themselves again:)

Major theater chain restores raunchy trailers

Oops! I think I put in the wrong URL! Oh, forgive me! It's here!

And remember: it's restricted -- to anyone with a computer!

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO GREGG AND MICROHOO!

P. S.



God bless you, Tex Avery -- wherever you are!

Posted 5:35 PM by Gene

Greenspan sees many casualties from crisis: report

By rights the first and foremost should be HIS REPUTATION.

Posted 2:38 PM by Gene

MARCH MADNESS -- and January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December Madness too:

Asked if Michigan could offer its student-athletes an academic experience similar to that of a typical student and still compete at the highest levels athletically, Basten didn't hesitate.

"No," he said.

You call it madness but I call it -- MONEY.

(Via Chronicle.com)

Posted 2:21 PM by Gene

Money can't buy me love but it can sure make for a nifty divorce.

Posted 2:15 PM by Gene

Dubya rushrushrushrushrushed to get a Bear Stearns deal -- and now the shareholders might postpone their approval for up to a year!

That's LEADERSHIP, Dub!

Posted 1:24 PM by Gene

We've got a brilliant idea for the remaining investment banks: have the CEOs say loud and repeatedly that there's no liquidity problem. This causes the customers to make a run for their money, meaning in no time Mr. MorganChase may corner the whole investment banking biz.

If the investors haven't drained Mr. MorganChase first.

Posted 12:48 PM by Gene

I suppose it's encouraging that Belly Kisser and Dubya want to put together some deals -- but let us not forget Tricky Dick and Leonid high-fived too.

And let us not forget COLINETTE is in on this as well, meaning the deals might come from our side.

Posted 9:35 AM by Gene

Hey Dubya! Here's another one you can throw money at!

Posted 8:49 AM by Gene

KERNGERSHWIN HAMMERSTEIN, immortal GENIUS of the musical theaTAH, learns that possibly he can't take it with him.

(Via ArtsJournal)

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

Why most news stories should be one graf:

Journalists and others with a tendency to see glasses as half empty have a long history of pronouncing the American consumer maxed out. "Time for a New Frugality," this magazine declared in 1973. "Over the Ears in Debt," it chimed in again in 1987. It wasn't just TIME. Historian of credit Lendol Calder has assembled a long list of worried headlines through the decades: "Debt Threatens Democracy" (Harper's, 1940), "Is the Country Swamped with Debt?" (Business Week, 1949), "Never Have So Many Owed So Much" (U.S. News & World Report, 1959). And so on.

And so on and so on. And so on and so on and so on.

Posted 8:34 AM by Gene

Bill's image damaged by campaign role

As if it were so wonderful before?

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

Is academe offensive because it's Onward-Christian-Soldiers leftist? Or because it's Scrooge-before-the ghosts greedy?

Or is it offensive because it's both?

Posted 8:17 AM by Gene

Stu, the Paper of Re-CORD's version of every booster organization in the city of Zenith, comes galloping to the rescue of product placements in the movies, but even he must admit (patriotically holding off until the LAST GRAF):

Promotional partnerships do not guarantee a film will be boffo at the box office. New Line’s “Semi-Pro” has been underperforming despite imaginative deals with brands like Bud Light and Old Spice; the star, Will Ferrell, even appears in character in TV commercials for both products. “We feel the pressure,” said Mr. Melfi, the producer. “If we do it right eight out of 10 times, we’re doing our job.”

But hey if you can bludgeon the turnips eight out of ten times with your ads, I'd say that's pretty darn good! Right STU?

WE WISH TO STATE,
IN REAL ESTATE,
THERE'S NONE SO LIVE AS WE!

ANOTHER NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO STU! RAH-RAH!

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

If Bear Stearns were located in, say, Lincoln, Nebraska, or Albuquerque, New Mexico, it would be a blip, then disappear. Unfortunately for the rest of the country it is situated in the center of the center of the universe, one of three American cities equipped with a megaphone, and people in the financial scam are the most knee-jerk conformist types this side of Hollywood, academe and the luxury news suites, who can turn every molehill into a mountain, every slight dip into a depression. Yes, New York lost most of its corporate HQ thanks to race prejudice and deindustrialization, but it still has far too many self-important types who spend the day in front of the mirror looking for crow's feet, and not finding any -- and then they wake up one fine morning and behold Dorian Gray, and insist the whole world looks like them.

Posted 8:06 AM by Gene

Oh one other thing, Mr. MorganChase: What about shareholder lawsuits?

Posted 10:44 PM by Gene

One wonders what the practical difference is between the Bear Stearns fire sale and going broke. As it is we seem headed towards a rich man's version of the FDIC, which Dubya is way overdue to announce, his idea of governing, if one had any doubt before these last few weeks, being to flail and panic.

Posted 6:41 PM by Gene

Comforting to know as Bear Stearns might sell itself for half its Friday close:

Throughout much of its history, Bear Stearns has masterfully persuaded the market that its business — narrowly focused on mortgage finance — was worth more than it actually was. To some degree this trick has been a testament to the coy gamesmanship of two of its past leaders, Alan Greenberg and Mr. Cayne.

Both men are devout bridge players and Mr. Greenberg is an amateur magician as well, so they are well schooled in the art of not showing their hand.

Well, bridge may not be poker but it's still a card game; and certainly the Richie Riches of the Wall Street Casino are incomparable at making money disappear -- without a magic wand, even.

P. S. $2 a share.

The central bank has agreed to fund up to 30 billion dollars of Bear Stearns’ less liquid assets.

Uncle Sucker comes to the rescue!

Posted 2:18 PM by Gene

Europe appears headed to a huge transcontinetal airline, meaning the Europeans can expect the same excellent service we get -- and knowing the Europeans, even more so.

Posted 12:05 PM by Gene

Why is it that even with something as seemingly benign as Seligism, the Chinese find a way to be sinister?

Posted 12:00 PM by Gene

ONWERD END UPWERD INN HYER EHDYUKAYSHUN:

Montclair State University this week began an investigation into a February student radio broadcast that apparently included naked women, lap dancing and other sex acts.

And here's the beauty part:

A faculty adviser pulled the show off the air this week, but not until a parent of one of the women called the school Tuesday to complain about videos on the Web that purportedly showed the scene at the college-owned studio.

SUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

(Via Chronicle.com)

Posted 11:54 AM by Gene

AN ORATORICAL GENIUS:

You begin to wonder, listening to Obama's rhetoric, whether anything has changed in 20 years. "This is a defining moment in our history," Obama likes to say; but that's what Elizabeth Dole said when her husband ran for president in 1996. (They're both wrong.) In 1992, Bill Clinton was complaining that "Washington" was a place "people came to just to score political points." Eight years later Bush was complaining that "Washington is obsessed with scoring political points, not solving problems." Now, in 2008, "Washington has become a place," Obama says, "where politicians spend too much time trying to score political points."

What's to be done about all this Washington point-scoring? Bob Dole's solution, 12 years ago, was to strongly favor "the things that lift this country up instead of dragging it down"; today Obama opposes "the politics where we tear each other down instead of lifting this country up." Because Howard Dean failed in his promise in 2004--"we're going to take this country back"--Obama revives the pledge, word for word, today. But like Gerald Ford, running against Jimmy Carter in 1976, he believes "we can disagree without being disagreeable."

Onward they plod, these old warhorse phrases, until Obama climbs to the climax of his stump speech. Head bowed, brow furrowed, eyes flashing, he announces that we "will choose unity over division [Jesse Jackson, 1992]. We will choose hope over fear [Bill Clinton and John Kerry, 2004]. And we will choose the future over the past [Al Gore, 1992]." In so doing, we will overcome our "moral deficit [Bush, 2000; Gore, 2000; Newt Gingrich,1994]" by "bringing people beyond the divisions of race and class [Clinton 1992]" because the "story of our country [Ross Perot, 1992]" or the "genius of our country [Bush 2000]" or the "wonder of our country [George H.W. Bush, 1988]" is, as Obama says in 2008, "ordinary people doing extraordinary things [Perot, Bush, Bush, and Ronald Reagan, 1984]."

Oh well -- aren't they all?

(Via Contentions)