THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Posted
5:10 PM
by Gene
You were a DOPE all right, NATE, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.
Posted
5:05 PM
by Gene
Wouldn't it be better to keep your big mouths shut rather than trying to appease HOLY COCKROACHES?
Posted
5:02 PM
by Gene
YOU'RE worried about YOUR zillions?
Posted
4:56 PM
by Gene
That's what we need, STERNO -- more HONEST men like your YAHWEH'S ANGELS.
Mroszak's crime was made more serious by his gloating about it to Stern fans, U.S. District Judge Gleeson said Friday as he sentenced Mroszak.
"Those folks are out there watching you, listening to you thumb your nose at the government," Gleeson said.
So what? It's only money.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!
Posted
1:49 PM
by Gene
Just like RUSH -- or the NIGHTLY NEWS. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE.
The only thing is, this celluloid ribbon won't make any money because it doesn't have the forces of PR behind it.
Posted
1:07 PM
by Gene
This must count as good news -- even IF THE PAPER OF RE-CORD prints it.
Posted
12:57 PM
by Gene
REGAL MORON.
Posted
12:43 PM
by Gene
Posted
9:25 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:18 AM
by Gene
Before getting excited we may want to look at Big Blue's share of the office e-mail biz.
Posted
9:11 AM
by Gene
Mr. Ross was the ideal candidate for the state to break its longstanding disaffection with the death penalty. He was a criminal whose acts of killing were so grisly and gruesome that no one could feel sympathy for him.
BUT....
We shouldn't have executed him. Save that for the abortatoriums.
Posted
9:08 AM
by Gene
That would be a very BAD career move.
Posted
8:08 AM
by Gene
Now let's get a few more, remote-control or otherwise.
Posted
7:56 AM
by Gene
WHAT DID THE WORLD'S SAVIOR NOT KNOW AND WHEN DID HE DECIDE NOT TO KNOW IT?
Posted
7:42 AM
by Gene
Why this tome is worthless: it's from the same charnel house as The Worse It Gets, the Better It Is: Why Show-Biz is GOOD for YOU, he's no doubt that author's friend as they both worked in the SI nerddom of WIRED, he was a speechwriter for THE INTERNET'S INVENTOR, he thinks about toilet brushes and wine bottles, and his name is PINK. NUF SED.
Posted
6:25 PM
by Gene
What does the POST-DISPATCH's STATEMENT say about instigating PANICS?
Posted
6:18 PM
by Gene
We'd say better luck next time but that may be unnecessary.
Posted
6:08 PM
by Gene
When Lee Enterprises Inc. agreed to purchase Pulitzer Inc. for $1.46 billion, it also agreed that the flagship St. Louis Post-Dispatch will keep its longstanding liberal editorial SLANT [whoooooooooooops! --Ed.] for at least the next five years, according to the purchase agreement mailed to Pulitzer shareholders Friday.
OR:
The Post-Dispatch platform statement, adopted in 1911, includes the pledge that the newspaper "will always fight for progress and reform [unless the progressive reformers are CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS], never tolerate injustice or corruption [unless DEMOCRATS do it], always fight demagogues of all parties [mostly THEIRS], never belong to any party [indiscreetly], always oppose privileged classes [except for our profession and show-business] and public plunderers [unless we have a hand in it], never lack sympathy with the poor [provided their incomes equal ours], always remain devoted to the public welfare [but not so much that we have to REPORT on it], never be satisfied with merely printing news [we've got a WEB SITE], always be drastically independent [well, drastic anyway], never be afraid to attack wrong [especially when WE'RE right], whether by predatory plutocracy or predatory poverty [BIG MEDIA and politically-correct victim groups excepted]."
Now THAT's a PLATFORM STATEMENT!
Posted
2:46 PM
by Gene
YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY!
Posted
11:43 AM
by Gene
SUMNER? The BUGMEISTER? FRAUD?? NEVER.
Posted
10:43 AM
by Gene
And while you're at it, you could stop the Mississippi and Missouri rivers from flowing.
Posted
9:38 AM
by Gene
Now let's go for the TRI!
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
Couldn't that apply to most times pols take to the streets?
And PAPER OF RE-CORD, when was a town of a million last "sleepy"?
Posted
8:20 PM
by Gene
Posted
8:17 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:37 PM
by Gene
Yeah, we nabbed a student pilot and his teacher.
Isn't it time to RETIRE, Gov?
Posted
5:26 PM
by Gene
Will you ever find anything like THIS on Huffnpuff Post?
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
Anyone wanna bet the Nine Fingers find it unconstitutional?
Posted
5:04 PM
by Gene
That's why I decided to be a little kid my whole life.
Posted
5:02 PM
by Gene
Or as Sen. Elmer Fudd (Idiot-OH) said, "the United States 'can do better.'" I KNOW! HOW ABOUT SECRETARY OF STATE POWELL?
Posted
11:41 AM
by Gene
When were you born?
Posted
10:01 AM
by Gene
There are lies, there are damned lies, and there's RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted
9:51 AM
by Gene
Which means whatever lie liberals spout, we'll return fire with AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE LIE!
GIVE 'EM HELL, SNIDELY!!!!!
Posted
9:49 AM
by Gene
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Posted
9:46 AM
by Gene
Face it, Comedy Central IS enough to send you to a mental hospital.
Posted
8:15 AM
by Gene
If you can FIND it.
Posted
8:07 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:36 AM
by Gene
Somehow "I don't mind that he's an SOB so long as he's OUR SOB" doesn't sound so musical from the mouths of pols who always talk MORALS.
The CORNER and SPECTATOR.ORG will be FULL OF IT tomorrow.
P. S. Dubya has good taste. He's not showing.
Posted
6:24 AM
by Gene
The only good thing is that LUKE moved the movies out of the theater and into souped-up living rooms, thus hastening their irrelevance.
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
Pink slips for tobacco use, unlimited abortions. Such is the liberal way.
Posted
5:08 PM
by Gene
...after the luxury executive jet has bolted the terminal.
Posted
5:06 PM
by Gene
SHUCKS, LINCOLN, how could you DO it?
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I hate flossing; I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
we may be forgiven for wondering.
Posted
3:35 PM
by Gene
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!
Can we wi-fi it?
Posted
3:17 PM
by Gene
It's serious business being funny on the political circuit. Just ask Gov. Bill Richardson. Richardson's campaign paid $12,000 for humor writers for his appearance at the Gridiron Club's annual dinner and political roast in March in Washington.
"It's an annual event for political humor," Billy Sparks, the governor's spokesman, said Tuesday in explaining why Richardson turned to hired funnymen.
BUT WHY MUST WE BE THE PUNCHLINE?
Posted
3:01 PM
by Gene
Posted
10:02 AM
by Gene
...Peter DeLorenzo, an automotive industry consultant, believes automakers will re-evaluate their involvement in NASCAR.
DeLorenzo estimates that each manufacturer spends at least $125 million a year on NASCAR, including team and driver sponsorships, research and development and advertising. "I question whether the manufacturers are really getting their money's worth," DeLorenzo says.
SINCE WHEN HAS ADVERTISING INCREASED SALES?
Posted
9:13 AM
by Gene
Cannes is where "Fahrenheit 9/11" caught fire, winning the film festival's top prize last year and putting the heat on the White House. This time, organizers want to avoid that kind of political firestorm.
As a new edition of the French Riviera festival opens Wednesday, its director has a reminder for the jury: Movies are usually judged for their art, not their politics.
"Michael Moore's talent is not in doubt," director Gilles Jacob said. "But in this case, it was a question of a satirical tract that was awarded a prize more for political than cinematographic reasons, no matter what the jury said."
The film's acclaim by the nine-member jury led by director Quentin Tarantino was an "out of the ordinary event that probably won't be repeated," Jacob said.
Tourism down, Gilles?
Posted
9:09 AM
by Gene
"The foxes should not be guarding the hen house," Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean proclaimed, calling on the three other Republican members of the committee to step aside. But Mr. Dean's call reflects a misunderstanding of the congressional ethics process, which empowers the foxes to be guardians.
Sorta like NEWS HACKS, n'est-ce pas, ST. WARREN?
Posted
8:57 AM
by Gene
CHICAGO — Deep in the basement of Moto restaurant, owner and executive chef Homaro Cantu is methodically filling medical syringes with 50 cc of chocolate sauce and shooting the mixture into colorful balloons.
Across the way, a sous-chef grabs a plastic foam box filled with liquid nitrogen, the white smoke billowing out. Nearby, another chef carefully feeds sheets of soybean paper into a Canon i560 inkjet printer, printing out pictures of maki rolls.
Cantu's kitchen has more gear and chemicals than some high school science labs because his goal is to create meals that are so cutting edge they challenge the definition of food.
Cantu's sushi platter routinely has no fish — instead it holds squares of tuna-and-rice-flavored paper. The Caesar salad has no lettuce — only a single spoonful of romaine-flavored ice cream. The menu sometimes is edible and can be crumbled into a bowl of gazpacho — turning it into an alphabet soup.
All this is included in one of the nation's most expensive tasting menus: With paired wine, the 20-course meal costs $240 per person.
That's not counting the tip.
At a time when competition for diners is fierce, a small but growing number of chefs are blazing a strange new trail: creating a dining experience that mixes haute cuisine with extreme science.
In part, the trend comes as a result of the industry's hypercompetitive nature: About 75% of restaurants close within a year of their debut, the National Restaurant Assn. says.
Or to put it in RENDELLSPEAK, "By printing food we get to employ more of the WAITERS and JANITORS and DISHWASHERS and COOKS this city needs to grow in the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY!"
Posted
8:51 AM
by Gene
JUNIOR shows more of his BUSINESS GENIUS!
Posted
8:43 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:24 AM
by Gene
To be honest, Mr. Simon was getting a little long in the tooth. But as John Podhoretz says, "today's critics have turned into toadies," so now it's easy to ignore all of them.
Someone should suggest Mr. Simon start a Web site. It would probably be more visible than NEW YORK'S.
Posted
6:37 AM
by Gene
Can you imagine a modern movie producer amassing art like this? Today it would be comic-book drawings -- or framed valentines from Ken Felatta.
Posted
6:27 AM
by Gene
How DARE he do anything like that? Who told him to do it?
Posted
6:54 PM
by Gene
When did the Secret Service know and why didn't it know it?
Posted
5:09 PM
by Gene
WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!
Posted
5:07 PM
by Gene
Another mass murder, hooooooooooooohummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Okay, STERNO, we can't blame BIGMEDIA for all these psycho crimes. But we can't blame BIGMEDIA for NONE of them.
Posted
5:00 PM
by Gene
Could you move further east -- say, to PYONGYANG?
Where would they get the money? BRICKS for OIL?
Posted
4:57 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:50 PM
by Gene
His last name is BARRIS, which figures.
Posted
4:46 PM
by Gene
PHOTO OF THE DAY: Honorary Mayor Mike (that's him in the center, I think) looks up as The Great White Way celebrates the renaming of two theaters for LAWYERS.
Posted
3:46 PM
by Gene
BIGMEDIA STINKS!!!!!
But we won't forget, Mr. Podhoretz, who pays YOUR bills.
Posted
1:15 PM
by Gene
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!
Posted
10:32 AM
by Gene
Posted
10:22 AM
by Gene
Not to worry; as I said, come September you'll probably be beaming of your lucky streak and hitting us over the head again. But we can hope.
P. S. Jack "Let's Sneak This Under the FTC's Nose" Fithian burps, "The long-term trends are still positive, he added, referring to an increase in theatrical admissions in the past three decades." How many went to the movies in 1940? In 1920? No, yours is STILL the ONLY business that MAKES IT A VIRTUE TO WALL OFF TWO-THIRDS OF YOUR POTENTIAL AUDIENCE.
Posted
8:16 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:05 AM
by Gene
A stunning 81% of [New York City]'s eighth-graders flunked the state's basic social studies exam last year - and the scores have gone down annually since the test debuted in 2001.
"Clearly we have a crisis on our hands," said City Councilwoman Eva Moskowitz (D-Manhattan)....
A crisis we could solve -- with VIDEO GAMES!!!!!
J. C. Brizard, the department's executive director for high schools, said the real problem was that the 60-question standardized test requires that students be able to read and understand the questions - something he said many cannot do.
Doom, Grand Theft Auto -- MORE VIDEO GAMES!!!!!!!!!!
Where is Prof. Gelernter when you need him?
Posted
8:04 AM
by Gene
Posted
6:46 AM
by Gene
We'd expect nothing less from the heart of refined, pretentiously written CW like The New Yorker. Yes, The New Yorker.
More on IQ later.
P. S. to the annoying ArtsJournal.com (where this links): is no. 247 on Amazon.com THAT popular?
Posted
6:23 AM
by Gene
The Defense Department will have to move as many as 50,000 employees out of Northern Virginia office buildings if it strictly enforces new security regulations, and local lawmakers say Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld could announce some of those relocations this week....
The Pentagon rents about 8 million square feet of space in 140 Northern Virginia buildings -- and almost none of them can meet the new requirement, according to analysts and lawmakers.
That would seem to go hand-in-glove with this:
Gridlock has increased its stranglehold on the region, as a national study released yesterday showed that Washington area residents spend an average of 69 hours a year in traffic jams at a cost of $577 per commuter.
We can't think of any part of the country that more richly deserves it.
Posted
7:34 PM
by Gene
IMAGINEERING GOODTHINGS MORONS.
Posted
5:31 PM
by Gene
The SUPERMANNING of AMERICA continues apace, its new field of battle the HIGH-SCHOOL MUSICAL. We should not be surprised: that prime motive of EHDYUKAYTORS that you can spend your way into excellence finds abundance here; it is slightly revolting to think that two big licensing outfits (one R&H, the other descended from the music-publishing operations of Frank Loesser) now are glorified wards of the state. Mickey and Judy surely didn't need the EHDYUKAYSHUN DEEPARTMEANT. We're not surprised at the favorites either, despite THE PAPER OF RE-CORD's injunction, a largely insipid list with one real exception: Bye Bye Birdie, Cinderella, Guys and Dolls (the exception), Grease (yeeeeeech!), You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown (an otherwise suitably small-scale affair and a favorite among professional nerds) -- and Into the Woods. That last isn't so odd when one considers DER KULT of HERR DOKTOR SONDHEIM, which has too many adherents in the amateur ranks (and let us not forget its GAYness), and that it's his only MASTERWORK that might be marginally acceptable for a "family" audience, and that may not be TOO dull. Our author holds the paucity of night-life in small-town America in part to blame for this cultural bicep-building, and we can't help thinking that once even the smallest hamlets had their own vaudeville houses, and thus played a huge role in the greatness that was once show-biz. One hopes as these shows become as bloated as everything else American the EHDYUKAYTORS can never quite excise that certain giddiness that goes with being young and doing theater. I remember my own wasted musical days too well; my never-to-be-published college satire reeks with them. Indeed what a tragedy it is that people think musicals a GAY thing (Mark Steyn notwithstanding), for their cast albums once sold in the millions, and they made huge movie hits. There are worse things than pretending you're John Raitt at Anytown High, even if you're not.
Posted
5:03 PM
by Gene
Posted
5:01 PM
by Gene
Nicholas Thompson is a senior editor at Legal Affairs.
You'd HAVE to be to praise ZELIG SELIG.
Posted
1:12 PM
by Gene
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Posted
11:56 AM
by Gene
Thanks again, Romy, for nothing.
Posted
11:49 AM
by Gene
Posted
9:01 AM
by Gene
Chicken Ticketed for Crossing the Road
I hope this story isn't another NEWS HACK fable.
Bartlett's Entry of the Week:
"The chicken thing has nothing to do with the motorcycle thing."
ONLY IN AMERICA.
Posted
8:49 AM
by Gene
Glengarry’s two acts last 105 minutes; I reckon that just by cutting the "dirty" words, the whole thing could be turned into a slightly oversize one-acter.
"[W]hat are we to make of a theater -- of a culture -- that considers this stuff high art?" asks Mr. Simon. Ask your typical AD-BLURB COPYWRITER. HE knows.
Any piece of devious one-upmanship pulled by the sleazy characters elicited thunderous approval, even applause. Clearly, this play is something not just to watch but to be wallowed in.
No, ask the P-Ulitzer "winner" Stephen "PROTRUSION" Hunter. He DEFINITELY knows.
Posted
8:42 AM
by Gene
Posted
8:33 AM
by Gene
OFTEN ENOUGH.
In a 2003 survey of 500 appraisers by a private firm, 55 percent of appraisers said they'd felt pressure to overstate values, according to the Demos report. The National Association of Realtors has warned the United States Senate about the prevalence of appraisal fraud, and thousands of appraisers have signed an online petition calling for reform.
BUBBLE? WHAT BUBBLE?
Posted
8:21 AM
by Gene
We've seen it, since approximately 1984, in the movies, which have taken over from all other art forms as the natural home of ugly dystopias.
Makes you want to rush down to the neighborhood sticky-floor popcorn restaurant and plunk a twenty down on LUCAS SPIELBERG!
P. S. A co-librettist for Maestro Maazel's MASTERPIECE co-authored Annie, Hairspray AND -- THE IMMORTAL COMEDY OF KERNGERSHWIN HAMMERSTEIN, so truly we're dealing here with EXCELLENCE!!!!!
Posted
8:12 AM
by Gene
WHO WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO GIVE UP HIS OSAMAMOBILE?
Posted
6:46 AM
by Gene
Good job YOU did Mohamed, helping control NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION.
Posted
6:43 AM
by Gene
There is one big difference, though: THE PAPER OF RE-CORD is MUCH more powerful.
Posted
6:31 AM
by Gene
"We're funding the business models because we don't know any better."
TRANSLATION: Spyware, schmyware. IT'S OUR MONEY.
Correction -- it's OUR money.
Posted
5:46 PM
by Gene
But despite of it, thanks to it, says the Eternal KGB Agent.
Posted
4:51 PM
by Gene
Posted
4:34 PM
by Gene
P. S. to ESPNCORP: I'd think hard about making so much as A sequel of your dirty, tattered, flea- and maggot-infested Hitchhiker -- unless you want it to go STRAIGHT TO VIDEO.
Posted
8:41 AM
by Gene
By the time WMA formerly [SIC] incorporated in New York State on January 31, 1918, Morris was joined by son William, Jr., and office-boy-turned-agent-turned-partner Abe Lastfogel as directors of the company. Vaudeville was king, but the Agency didn't hesitate to aggressively identify, understand and develop business in new and emerging areas, a trend that continues today.
As silent film grew into an exciting new form of entertainment, Morris was quick to encourage his performing clients to experiment in the new medium while the competition held fast to vaudeville. Stars such as Al Jolson, the Marx Brothers, Mae West and Charlie Chaplin helped forge the Agency's dominance in New York and Hollywood.
The momentum continued to build during the 1920s. Clients included such luminaries as George Jessel. The nascent medium of radio provided yet another frontier to explore.
By 1930, after some 32 years at the helm, Morris passed leadership of the agency to his son and Abe Lastfogel. With Morris, Jr. heading the new office in Los Angeles and Mr. Lastfogel running the operation in New York City, the Agency featured an impressive roster of clients, including such superstars as Jimmy Cagney, Louis Armstrong and Will Rogers.
Now the agency owns Lollapalooza. No wonder it's in trouble.
P. S.
I'm putting this in just for the hell of it.
Posted
7:56 AM
by Gene
The Founding Fathers, among others.
Posted
7:52 AM
by Gene
His father, Michael Berg, has intensified his anti-war activities and traveled the globe to meet families of other civilians kidnapped or slain in Iraq. His weekly peace vigil at a suburban Philadelphia courthouse and frequent interviews contrast sharply with the response of his wife, Suzanne, who has grieved privately since her son's body was found on a Baghdad street on May 8, 2004.
And indeed despite our best efforts not everybody in the Berg family seems to be convinced it was -- DUBYA's fault:
Sara Berg neither holds Bush responsible nor considers Nick's death a result of the U.S.-led war in Iraq. Instead, she considers it the premeditated work of terrorists.
"Somebody who gets killed in war, that is not murder, legally. That is a killing," she said. "By calling (Nick's death) an act of war, it gives a certain legitimacy to it that I don't choose to give."
AT least grief does not ALWAYS distort sense.
Posted
7:49 AM
by Gene
So what's the solution? The Tom Ridge Memorial Department of Color Codes and Patriotic Pork Projects intends to spend BILLIONS MORE!
Government in action! (Or should I say, government inaction in action.)
Posted
7:40 AM
by Gene
