THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, May 31, 2008
How much of this intense public deliberation is happening in private? And since we suspect all the important biz IS happening in private, what do we gain pretending otherwise?
Hurricane high-risk areas lose residents
We wonder how the idiot building boom affects this. Not to worry, when the next boom arrives people will come back to the shore -- to wallow in the vicarious thrill of high winds and strong surfs.
We wonder how the idiot building boom affects this. Not to worry, when the next boom arrives people will come back to the shore -- to wallow in the vicarious thrill of high winds and strong surfs.
AP Impact: Hurricane season outlooks of little use
Ditto, we might add, with most reporting on hurricanes -- and most reporting GENERALLY.
Ditto, we might add, with most reporting on hurricanes -- and most reporting GENERALLY.
As ever, though, a good story comes first. After all, if people want explicit sex without pesky dialogue and character development, isn't that what pornography is for? Not to mention the many shows—"The Office," "Lost" and "30 Rock," to name a few—that succeed creatively despite showing less skin than a Lands' End catalog.
We had to slog through a whole article to get to this brilliant assertion the writer could have made in the seven words he quoted from MadTV. JonBoy does not seem to realize it's even easier to suffer the consequences of driving your Web surfers to impatience than regular readers -- the surfers pay nothing, and have no allegiance. We note happily that last year Zeitgeist cut its rate base and more recently bought out over 100 employees. There's no reason it can't -- and SHOULDN'T -- do both again.
We had to slog through a whole article to get to this brilliant assertion the writer could have made in the seven words he quoted from MadTV. JonBoy does not seem to realize it's even easier to suffer the consequences of driving your Web surfers to impatience than regular readers -- the surfers pay nothing, and have no allegiance. We note happily that last year Zeitgeist cut its rate base and more recently bought out over 100 employees. There's no reason it can't -- and SHOULDN'T -- do both again.
Meantime the idiot hacks have been so absorbed in plugging a movie they've completely forgotten Burma/Myanmar, the greatest example of governmental malice since Democratic Kampuchea. Part of this is, of course, that after a while disasters are boring; and when you consider numbers in the hundreds of thousands the compassion blanks out. But the JUNTA deserves a special place in HELL for what it has done, and the WORRULLD COMMUNITY stands shoulder to shoulder in memory with Neville Chamberlain for using its supposed helplessness as an excuse for shirking its responsibility.
While he said he could not make specific policy predictions for the next administration, Gates told the annual Shangri-la conference on international security [!] that there will be "no change in our drive to temper North Korea's ambitions, a policy not possible without China's valued cooperation."
It is long past the time for Dubya to do what Gen. MacArthur's old soldier does, and just -- fade away.
While he said he could not make specific policy predictions for the next administration, Gates told the annual Shangri-la conference on international security [!] that there will be "no change in our drive to temper North Korea's ambitions, a policy not possible without China's valued cooperation."
It is long past the time for Dubya to do what Gen. MacArthur's old soldier does, and just -- fade away.
All right, hacks, you win again. This whole episode demonstrates the overwhelming capacity of the press to have its way. We should note, however, that fluke hits have happened before, powered by monomaniacal think-alike squadrons of true believers; thus the teenage girls and Titanic; thus the born-agains and WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! The Jesus Slasher Movie. Both are now embarrassments. Moreover you don't go down seven percent in attendance year-to-year for nothing, and THE CONSPIRACY is excreting the same tentpoles and horror movies as before.
The only thing is now the 86,000 press agents at PEOPLE WARNER will top this with talk of sequels. Surely their enablers the idiot hacks are rubbing their hands and their wallets at the prospect of eliciting a new series on THE GREATEST TELEVISION NETWORK IN HISTORY. Isn't it enough to elect The Messiah? Can't you leave us alone for once?
(Via the table-pounding obsessive-compulsives at HSX. It provokes a cringe to remember this outfit's owned by Cantor Fitzgerald. Enough said.)
The only thing is now the 86,000 press agents at PEOPLE WARNER will top this with talk of sequels. Surely their enablers the idiot hacks are rubbing their hands and their wallets at the prospect of eliciting a new series on THE GREATEST TELEVISION NETWORK IN HISTORY. Isn't it enough to elect The Messiah? Can't you leave us alone for once?
(Via the table-pounding obsessive-compulsives at HSX. It provokes a cringe to remember this outfit's owned by Cantor Fitzgerald. Enough said.)
Friday, May 30, 2008
AAAAA REEEEEALLY GREAT DEEEEL on an AU-to-MOH-BEEEEEL: Today I walked down 11th Street on my way home to go shop-pin' at the A & P, passing the usual corner sidewalk vendors who soothe their souls with [C]RAP. So imagine my surprise when out of a sidewalk vendor's boom box emerged a very ac-TORish (and WHITE) voice emoting:
CREAMY CHICKEN ALFREDO!
Now CREAMY CHICKEN ALFREDO! on the radio could only come from a few places: Darden Restaurants, Unilever, Nestlé, or CONAgra. And because this was a corner vendor, and because this was likely Darden Restaurants, Unilever, Nestlé or CONAgra, and because said companies will advertise only where everybody else advertises, which is usually the same three places, that could mean only one source: DUH-BUL-YOU DEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAA SSSSSSSSSS. Many people still think it's a locally-owned black station. It's owned by CHEAP CHANNEL. CHEAP CHANNEL's headquartered eiyn Tex-AYSS. LOWSY MAYS was BORN THERE. Which got us to thinking: How many plantation owners are in his bloodline? Dere's whur mah heart iz buuuuuuuurnin' ebberrrrr....
Before I got home a SEPTA bus was advertising Grand Theft Auto IV (WE NEED IT FOR THE REVENUES!!!!!) and a talk radio station: "Intelligent Conservative Radio". Even before David Brudnoy died intelligent talk radio was an oxymoron. Earlier today on the way to a luncheon and listening to NPNTR (National Public NewsTalk Radio) I heard an annoying local interview with a father-son duo, the father being a former fillum cri-TIC who'd written a book about how watching movies with the son made him better. On the way back I heard an annoying network program predicated on the notion the Web didn't exist, in which some high Gallup mucky-muck was blurting over his polls, followed by some asinine female reportER gushing all she didn't know about THE PROMO, which was everything I already knew. I haven't listened to the radio in over a decade, and just going by today I intend never to willingly listen to it again.
P. S. from NPNTR:
...staring Sarah Jessica Parker... [SIC!]
WHO?
(Updated 5/31 at 10:25 a.m. By the way, look carefully at Lowsy's station's home page: the only admission he and his fellow car dealers own it is this:
although the name unaccountably comes up in the Terms and Conditions -- you'd think Lowsy could have come up with a cute legal name, like WDAS Holdings, Inc. or Urban Philadelphia Metropolitan Broadcasting Inc. Somebody must tell them to stop selling those rust-proofing warranties.)
CREAMY CHICKEN ALFREDO!
Now CREAMY CHICKEN ALFREDO! on the radio could only come from a few places: Darden Restaurants, Unilever, Nestlé, or CONAgra. And because this was a corner vendor, and because this was likely Darden Restaurants, Unilever, Nestlé or CONAgra, and because said companies will advertise only where everybody else advertises, which is usually the same three places, that could mean only one source: DUH-BUL-YOU DEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAA SSSSSSSSSS. Many people still think it's a locally-owned black station. It's owned by CHEAP CHANNEL. CHEAP CHANNEL's headquartered eiyn Tex-AYSS. LOWSY MAYS was BORN THERE. Which got us to thinking: How many plantation owners are in his bloodline? Dere's whur mah heart iz buuuuuuuurnin' ebberrrrr....
Before I got home a SEPTA bus was advertising Grand Theft Auto IV (WE NEED IT FOR THE REVENUES!!!!!) and a talk radio station: "Intelligent Conservative Radio". Even before David Brudnoy died intelligent talk radio was an oxymoron. Earlier today on the way to a luncheon and listening to NPNTR (National Public NewsTalk Radio) I heard an annoying local interview with a father-son duo, the father being a former fillum cri-TIC who'd written a book about how watching movies with the son made him better. On the way back I heard an annoying network program predicated on the notion the Web didn't exist, in which some high Gallup mucky-muck was blurting over his polls, followed by some asinine female reportER gushing all she didn't know about THE PROMO, which was everything I already knew. I haven't listened to the radio in over a decade, and just going by today I intend never to willingly listen to it again.
P. S. from NPNTR:
...staring Sarah Jessica Parker... [SIC!]
WHO?
(Updated 5/31 at 10:25 a.m. By the way, look carefully at Lowsy's station's home page: the only admission he and his fellow car dealers own it is this:
although the name unaccountably comes up in the Terms and Conditions -- you'd think Lowsy could have come up with a cute legal name, like WDAS Holdings, Inc. or Urban Philadelphia Metropolitan Broadcasting Inc. Somebody must tell them to stop selling those rust-proofing warranties.)
This ought to get every American mad: The People's Liberation Army may have caused several large U. S. blackouts in the last five years. We'd guess the Chinese would have a clean conscience about this because they can view it as a kind of corporate espionage. In light of this we'd like to ask the gloating LEGENDARY WELCHES why they gave our store away to the Chinese. Any talk about peace and harmony at THE GAMES should fly out the window and land on its false face.
And here is one story, we'd guess, the hacks will totally ignore. Yesterday we heard from Michael Crichton why the press stinks. We have one suggestion: report on stories no one is talking about while completely ignoring what everyone's talking about. Imagine a world with no WART-NOSED HORSEY FACES and FORMER PRESS SECRETARIES. Imagine a world where fifty thousand news hacks go insane. We can't imagine it.
(Via Connections)
And here is one story, we'd guess, the hacks will totally ignore. Yesterday we heard from Michael Crichton why the press stinks. We have one suggestion: report on stories no one is talking about while completely ignoring what everyone's talking about. Imagine a world with no WART-NOSED HORSEY FACES and FORMER PRESS SECRETARIES. Imagine a world where fifty thousand news hacks go insane. We can't imagine it.
(Via Connections)
More intrepid insight from the would-be Microhoo!:
Jacko's wacko shirt
Turning 50 this year, Michael Jackson dresses age-inappropriately.
DRESSES?
Jacko's wacko shirt
Turning 50 this year, Michael Jackson dresses age-inappropriately.
DRESSES?
And speaking of stories we're sick and tired of, between news hacks dancing with glee and con-SER-va-tives screaming with pain, we don't want to hear any more about THIS PROMO either.
Elsewhere from the onion-skin skinny of the vastly depleted NEWSRAG OF RE-CORD:
Our straight, male reviewer says he's probably unqualified to critique this film, but he gives it his best shot [Home-page subhed]
God, DICK, you're more than qualified. You work for PEOPLE WARNER.
Our straight, male reviewer says he's probably unqualified to critique this film, but he gives it his best shot [Home-page subhed]
God, DICK, you're more than qualified. You work for PEOPLE WARNER.
The tribulations of CELEBRITIES:
Aerosmith rocker Steven Tyler says he checked into to a rehab facility earlier this month to recover from foot surgeries to repair problems caused by his stage moves.
"The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time," Tyler says in a statement released Thursday. "The 'foot repair' pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, Aerosmith has no plans to stop rocking. There's a new album to record, then another tour."
According to the statement, Tyler was treated at the center after series of surgeries and post-operative physical therapy "to correct long-time foot injuries resulting from his trademark athletic performance onstage."
The statement follows reports the 60-year-old singer was being treated instead for substance abuse.
TRANSLATION: Aren't you getting too old for a boy's work?
Aerosmith rocker Steven Tyler says he checked into to a rehab facility earlier this month to recover from foot surgeries to repair problems caused by his stage moves.
"The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time," Tyler says in a statement released Thursday. "The 'foot repair' pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, Aerosmith has no plans to stop rocking. There's a new album to record, then another tour."
According to the statement, Tyler was treated at the center after series of surgeries and post-operative physical therapy "to correct long-time foot injuries resulting from his trademark athletic performance onstage."
The statement follows reports the 60-year-old singer was being treated instead for substance abuse.
TRANSLATION: Aren't you getting too old for a boy's work?
COLINETTE's most important act to date:
Condoleezza Rice meets rock band Kiss
This beats appeasing Iran and North Korea!
Barely.
Condoleezza Rice meets rock band Kiss
This beats appeasing Iran and North Korea!
Barely.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The hero of a radioactive "banana republic", the "Father" of Pakistan, braps:
"It doesn't bother me at all. They don't like our God, they don't like our prophet, they don't like our holy book, the Qur'an. So how could they like me?" he said.
No no, Father, you should have said, "Let's see if they like our NUKES!"
"It doesn't bother me at all. They don't like our God, they don't like our prophet, they don't like our holy book, the Qur'an. So how could they like me?" he said.
No no, Father, you should have said, "Let's see if they like our NUKES!"
More sad show-biz news: Harvey Korman, Carol Burnett's jack-of-all-trades, has died. Yes, he appeared in the sitcom Blazing Saddles, and he was that irritating character Kazoo or Gazoo or Wazoo in The Flintstones, but he was a big part of a great variety show, and Tim Conway was his immortal sidekick, so we can more than forgive him.
The next time we allow The Tantrum Twins to exasperate us, or feel stuck in the rut of life, let us ponder the woman who lived in an iron lung for nearly sixty years, and somehow powered her will past it.
Arguably, contemporary media has made that shift away from hard information toward free-for-all opinion and speculation. This shouldn't cost a lot, and indeed modern media peddles an inexpensive product. Most cable television "news" is just talking heads and food fights; they don't even change the heads very often—they hire regulars who appear week after week. Most newspaper reporting consists of rewritten press releases and faxes. Many reporters don't go after stories, they wait for the stories to be fed [to] them by publicists and flacks. Now if you set aside this cheap model and instead start staffing bureaus around the world, putting reporters and cameras on the ground, assembling smart teams to do real investigative work in business, high tech, and so on, that costs a lot of money. I remain convinced that plenty of people would pay for a good news service—who stayed with a daisy wheel printer once laser printers arrived? We didn't know we wanted laser printers, as we didn't know we wanted digital cameras, but it turns out we did. In any case, what we are now being fed as news is repetitive, simplistic, and insulting.
On the mark again...and again...and again!
(Revised at 8:30 p.m.)
On the mark again...and again...and again!
(Revised at 8:30 p.m.)
And despite the glee B. S. DEFENDER must have being the founding honorary chairman of the committee that's PROMOING THE PROMO, some very BAD news: DELL, the most EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL company in the world, may be COMING BACK!
Does anyone pay attention to his three-ring flea circus anymore?
Does anyone pay attention to his three-ring flea circus anymore?
The same people who are jumping-up-and-down-screaming hot about THE PROMO OF THE YEAR are supposedly ice-cold toward The Messiah.
Aren't PROMO and The Lord made by PEOPLE WARNER?
Aren't PROMO and The Lord made by PEOPLE WARNER?
McCain, not Clinton, got negative coverage
Can anyone doubt the press is unbiased?
BUT:
The study notes, however, that while "public perceptions of McCain and Obama ... largely tracked with the tenor of the press coverage’s major narrative themes," with Clinton, "the public seemed to have developed opinions about her that ran counter to the media coverage, perhaps based on a pre-existing negative disposition to her that unfolded over the course of the campaign."
TRANSLATION: Slowly but surely, we're tired of marching with Hitler.
Can anyone doubt the press is unbiased?
BUT:
The study notes, however, that while "public perceptions of McCain and Obama ... largely tracked with the tenor of the press coverage’s major narrative themes," with Clinton, "the public seemed to have developed opinions about her that ran counter to the media coverage, perhaps based on a pre-existing negative disposition to her that unfolded over the course of the campaign."
TRANSLATION: Slowly but surely, we're tired of marching with Hitler.
We mentioned yesterday that certain creative types who did their work frequently and well might be thought of as hacks -- were thought of as hacks when they did the work. Now our pop-culTYURE stinks so roundly they're geniuses. That should not make us scorn them at all. We had not heard of Joseph Pevney before today, but we had heard of Alexander Courage, largely from his work at MGM. That they're both tied together by Star Trek and a virtuous industry indicates a time when show-biz types weren't afraid to be prolific, because they could be prolific and decent. Now they're just indecent, whatever their frequency.
But then we'd rather work with Cyd Charisse (or Rock Hudson) than one of WOODSTER THE PERV's airheads -- and both did.
But then we'd rather work with Cyd Charisse (or Rock Hudson) than one of WOODSTER THE PERV's airheads -- and both did.
Senator Barack Obama emerged as Europe's favourite candidate for America’s presidency today when a poll conducted for Telegraph.co.uk gave him 52 per cent support across five of the world’s richest nations, including Britain.
Hey PINCH! I've got an idea! Maybe now's the time when we can merge us and Europe, then we could all vote together and...oh, never mind.
We wonder if AMERICAN news hacks aren't the only ones brazenly trying to prove their irrelevance.
Hey PINCH! I've got an idea! Maybe now's the time when we can merge us and Europe, then we could all vote together and...oh, never mind.
We wonder if AMERICAN news hacks aren't the only ones brazenly trying to prove their irrelevance.
What it's like to be multiracial in America
A lot better than it used to be, certain tantrum throwers notwithstanding.
A lot better than it used to be, certain tantrum throwers notwithstanding.
Elsewhere in the West Coast land of genius, Hasbro is producing a Ouija-board movie!
Our Ouija board tells us it will stink, get rave reviews and make zillions.
Our Ouija board tells us it will stink, get rave reviews and make zillions.
Elsewhere the Big V tells us Branson East had a terrif season -- $937.5 MILLION!!!!!
Think of our GDP and you'll see how important Branson East's theme parks are.
P. S. at 5:30 p.m. OoooooOOOOOOooooooh, the Big V sorta fibbed. Well what's a few hundred million among friends?
Think of our GDP and you'll see how important Branson East's theme parks are.
P. S. at 5:30 p.m. OoooooOOOOOOooooooh, the Big V sorta fibbed. Well what's a few hundred million among friends?
Eddie Murphy back in 'Beverly Hills'
Brett Ratner negotiating to direct 4th 'Cop' film
TRANSLATION: Hollywood is an old actors' nursing home.
Scott McClellan appeared a few moments ago on the Today Show. He said there were "two defining moments" that caused him to grow "increasingly disillusioned" at the White House. Both had to do with the Valerie Plame Wilson affair....
TRANSLATION: We can ignore this ghosted scribble too.
TRANSLATION: We can ignore this ghosted scribble too.
Alas, being St. Warren of Buffett JR. isn't what it used to be.
Now when does this lower-case He close his stores and sell the real-estate -- His intent all along?
Now when does this lower-case He close his stores and sell the real-estate -- His intent all along?
How Pelosi tends a more divergent flock
8:32 a.m. ET · House speaker's skills are being tested by Democrats' greater ideological diversity � a challenge that will intensify if the party picks up more seats in November. [SIC!!!!!]
TRANSLATION: Are the hacks pulling another one?
8:32 a.m. ET · House speaker's skills are being tested by Democrats' greater ideological diversity � a challenge that will intensify if the party picks up more seats in November. [SIC!!!!!]
TRANSLATION: Are the hacks pulling another one?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Having to live through what has become a NATIONAL PROMO, we can only hope more outfits like GanNETt pay a heavy price for so indulging themselves.
Shucks, the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL John Bolton, who narrowly escaped a NOBLE CITIZENS' ARREST at the hands of The GUARDIAN, admits a military strike against Iran would be a "last resort". But doesn't he overestimate the worth of an "alternative", as no alternative seems to exist?
We would like to think a young black bear, tired of foraging in Rhode Island, hopped a freight train to stay at the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, but this surely would be too much imagining.
Would it?
Would it?
The organisers of the London Olympics are planning to pass on more than just the Olympic flag to the next host city when the games end in September 2012. Senior officials have opened talks with Chicago, one of the early favourites to host the 2016 games, which could result in the bulk of London's main stadium being dismantled, boxed-up and shipped across the Atlantic to be rebuilt.
The Guardian has learned that 55,000 seats from London's 80,000-seat arena could be transported to Washington Park in the Illinois city and used to enlarge a planned, 7,500-capacity community arena into Chicago's main Olympic stadium.
Which, if we know the Windy City's GUVMENT, should triple the cost over brand-new.
(Via ArtsJournal)
The Guardian has learned that 55,000 seats from London's 80,000-seat arena could be transported to Washington Park in the Illinois city and used to enlarge a planned, 7,500-capacity community arena into Chicago's main Olympic stadium.
Which, if we know the Windy City's GUVMENT, should triple the cost over brand-new.
(Via ArtsJournal)
Rather, the intel community appears to have (once again) fallen victim to poorly researched open source news reporting.
Being MS. TRAVERS means never having to say you're sorry.
Being MS. TRAVERS means never having to say you're sorry.
Now you know networks are hurting: Reality-show budgets are being cut.
You mean The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers can't be the answer -- as usual?
You mean The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers can't be the answer -- as usual?
GE to cut water usage by 20 percent
Which, if we know Little Jeffy, means waterless urinals that don't work, but hey, we're saving the world!
Which, if we know Little Jeffy, means waterless urinals that don't work, but hey, we're saving the world!
Grief Turns to Rage at Chinese Officials
For which the Chinese officials have an easy answer: mass executions.
For which the Chinese officials have an easy answer: mass executions.
[T]here's no escaping the fact that the movie is a chick flick with strong appeal among an older femme demo but questionable interest among others. All the magazine coverage in the world -- 63 pages in the May 23 edition of Entertainment Weekly alone [!!!!!!!!!!] -- and "Sex and the City" TV marathons haven't really moved the needle among men, many of whom suggest they'd rather be shot than sit through the movie.
Who needs men? Pfffffffffffffffft!!!!!
AND A SPECIAL HONORARY HIGHLY SYNERGISTIC NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO B. S. DEFENDER, A MAN WHO IS NEEDED! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
P. S.
There’s nothing wrong with Sarah Jessica Parker that couldn’t be cured by wart-removal surgery. That growth on her face just gets bigger with every close-up, and in the full-length movie version of Sex and the City it’s so distracting you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s not a beauty mark. I guess you can’t tell a co-producer anything, but listen up, girl. At this point, you would make a wonderful Halloween witch. Unfortunately, to fix all the things wrong with Sex and the City, you need more than a scalpel. [OPENING GRAF]
But even Rex admits he's a man.
Who needs men? Pfffffffffffffffft!!!!!
AND A SPECIAL HONORARY HIGHLY SYNERGISTIC NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO B. S. DEFENDER, A MAN WHO IS NEEDED! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
P. S.
There’s nothing wrong with Sarah Jessica Parker that couldn’t be cured by wart-removal surgery. That growth on her face just gets bigger with every close-up, and in the full-length movie version of Sex and the City it’s so distracting you can’t concentrate on anything else. It’s not a beauty mark. I guess you can’t tell a co-producer anything, but listen up, girl. At this point, you would make a wonderful Halloween witch. Unfortunately, to fix all the things wrong with Sex and the City, you need more than a scalpel. [OPENING GRAF]
But even Rex admits he's a man.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Katie Couric's "major announcement" that Matt Lauer teased on Tuesday morning's Today is a three-network cancer fund-raiser planned for September.
We'd like to say "Shut up, Matt" but you don't tell someone to shut up on that salary.
We'd like to say "Shut up, Matt" but you don't tell someone to shut up on that salary.
Speaking of Illinois, here's a question for The Messiah (whose precinct now includes Havana): What do You think of NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
(Second link via the usual Romy, who himself ponders why Howie Hairshirt didn't take a buyout. Gooooooooooood question!)
(Second link via the usual Romy, who himself ponders why Howie Hairshirt didn't take a buyout. Gooooooooooood question!)
A story like this makes us realize, in a just world, Mike Royko would have been immortal.
Goody! "Richie Mitch" McConnell is trailing his race in Kentucky!
He'll win just by reminding his friends of a few FAVOR$, but for now, we can chuckle.
P. S. There is no reason Boobs McKeating can't win while the Republicans lose Congress in a landslide.
He'll win just by reminding his friends of a few FAVOR$, but for now, we can chuckle.
P. S. There is no reason Boobs McKeating can't win while the Republicans lose Congress in a landslide.
A doubly-sad day in show-biz: Earle Hagen, the prolific composer of easy-to-remember TV theme songs like Andy Griffith's and Dick Van Dyke's, has died. Someone like that may very superficially fit the dictionary definition of a hack, but to be able to get the millions humming your tunes day in and day out, to do it consistently for years, is no hack work.
How about this prospect: a SECOND Bear Stearns! And why? It's got...CDOs!
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Time to open our -- YOUR checkbook again!
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Time to open our -- YOUR checkbook again!
Only in America could the Web's fifteen seconds of fame cost $150,000 in property damages.
Hope they can smuggle some spray paint in your cell, Cyrus. You're going to be there awhile.
The Internet, whether it's YouTube or social networking sites, is helping fuel a new explosion in graffiti tagging, albeit with editing and soundtracks. But investigators say it also is helping them build better cases against the vandals.
Again, criminals is stupid.
And so are the six-digit nose-in-the-airs who call this AHT.
Hope they can smuggle some spray paint in your cell, Cyrus. You're going to be there awhile.
The Internet, whether it's YouTube or social networking sites, is helping fuel a new explosion in graffiti tagging, albeit with editing and soundtracks. But investigators say it also is helping them build better cases against the vandals.
Again, criminals is stupid.
And so are the six-digit nose-in-the-airs who call this AHT.
Hmmm, the DWIGHTS and CRAMERMANIACS and other assorted borderline-psychopaths FINALLY had an impact, so FINALLY it's time to TAKE PROFITS.
FOR NOW.
Where are the Gekko Kudlows to defend unlimited speculation?
FOR NOW.
Where are the Gekko Kudlows to defend unlimited speculation?
We are sorry to learn Peter Carlson has taken a ST. WARREN buyout and will no longer make fun of magazines for the WaPost, one less reason to read newspapers, and we're soon getting into negative territory.
(Via NRO)
(Via NRO)
"Gather round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun...." We forget a lot of Nazis helped us win the space race, and as the sordid tale of the great rocket scientist informs us not all of them were honorable. But at least some like Ernst Stuhlinger did have second thoughts:
In a 1995 article for The Huntsville Times, Stuhlinger called the Nazi era "extremely deplorable" and said he and other German rocket engineers were working with an eye toward spaceflight, not weapons, at the end of the war.
"Yes, we did work on improved guidance systems, but late in 1944 we were convinced that the war would be over before new systems could be used on military rockets. However, we were convinced that somehow our work would find application in future rockets that would not aim at London, but at the moon," Stuhlinger wrote.
It might be easy to dismiss these German eggheads for apologizing after the fact, but in the end they did win us a signal victory over Communism, a victory Hitler with his brute force of evil could never achieve.
In a 1995 article for The Huntsville Times, Stuhlinger called the Nazi era "extremely deplorable" and said he and other German rocket engineers were working with an eye toward spaceflight, not weapons, at the end of the war.
"Yes, we did work on improved guidance systems, but late in 1944 we were convinced that the war would be over before new systems could be used on military rockets. However, we were convinced that somehow our work would find application in future rockets that would not aim at London, but at the moon," Stuhlinger wrote.
It might be easy to dismiss these German eggheads for apologizing after the fact, but in the end they did win us a signal victory over Communism, a victory Hitler with his brute force of evil could never achieve.
Dewsbury murder: Killing of Amar Aslam may have been filmed by gang [sic]
It is not enough for certain criminals to be evil -- they must be stupid too.
It is not enough for certain criminals to be evil -- they must be stupid too.
Looking over Sydney Pollack's record -- and we're unfamiliar with his films except for their reps -- we'd guess his best work was middlebrow, commercial, made by an adult for adults, and entertaining, a Stanley Kramer without the message. He was, as the Big V puts it, "a competent and dependable filmmaker." That would seem a minimum for Hollywood, but in the last two decades the cultural rat-trap on the Pacific hasn't even climbed to that minimum, extruding theme parks and grotesqueries, and forgetting there was a time, as Pollack himself would probably acknowledge, that the movie biz worked for grownups, a time now hopelessly in the past.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Every two or three months a hack, to convince us that yes, his breed can think, types another piece saying The Lord Goddess Oprah's "declining". We've seen these declines before, and every time She thought up a new scheme, and Her name bounced back more cloyingly mawkishly inescapable than before. Well, we can convince ourselves that when She finally does vanish from the public record in, oh, thirty years, it will be complete and irreversible, with only the memories of JAMES FREY and THE COUCH JUMPER to remind us of what a cultural lead weight She was.
"WE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT IF PEOPLE ARE SQUAWKING ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE!!!!!" (Little-Jeffy-root-root-root-for-the-home-team overemphasis added)
Or maybe you're such flat-out incompetents you could be doing something wrong -- but wrong never happens in the magical world of GE BANCORP AND REALTY.
Nor would such a thought occur in the magical ASSPress world of David "300" Bauder.
Or maybe you're such flat-out incompetents you could be doing something wrong -- but wrong never happens in the magical world of GE BANCORP AND REALTY.
Nor would such a thought occur in the magical ASSPress world of David "300" Bauder.
U. N. Chief Hopes Myanmar Keeps Promises [Home-page teaser]
TRANSLATION: Please, please, junta of Burma/Myanmar, let the aid through! We promise we won't say a word about your oppressive regime. In fact, we love oppressive regimes. Please let the aid through. PLEASE!
TRANSLATION: Please, please, junta of Burma/Myanmar, let the aid through! We promise we won't say a word about your oppressive regime. In fact, we love oppressive regimes. Please let the aid through. PLEASE!
"I am SLOW!," Patrick protested over her in-car radio with about 60 laps left. "I am DAMN SLOW!"
I guess because we are a sainted hero to news hacks means we can say, or do, just about anything. "Rev." Al knows this. So does Danica.
I guess because we are a sainted hero to news hacks means we can say, or do, just about anything. "Rev." Al knows this. So does Danica.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
MORE ANCIENT HISTORY FROM THE TWXSTERS, as in re the provenance of LUKE SPIELBERG's ideas:
Swashbuckling Hero: 1958
Humphrey Bogart stars in The Treasure of Sierra Madre. The weapon is different, but the hat is the same. [DOUBLE SIC!!!!!]
When will someone teach these TWXSTERS they own the copyright?
Swashbuckling Hero: 1958
Humphrey Bogart stars in The Treasure of Sierra Madre. The weapon is different, but the hat is the same. [DOUBLE SIC!!!!!]
When will someone teach these TWXSTERS they own the copyright?
Speaking of comedians, if it's Sunday it's gotta be Big Double-A-Scribble Time:
1. "Consumers hate advertising," Mr. Gilbreath wrote in a preamble for a WPP Digital-backed discussion group last year. "Meanwhile, consumers hate us -- the marketers and advertisers who invent new ways to spam them online and offline. The result: CMO and agency turnover is rising dramatically, and advertisers are ranked below lawyers in terms of public respect."
So WHY, Mr. Gilbreath, is the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS spending MORE MONEY on ADVERTISING than EVER -- and MORE MONEY ON JUNK TELEVISION?!?!?
In fairness the article does cite a few promising ideas for breaking away from the usual middle-finger-in-the-face menu -- but these are pennies compared to the BILLIONS FOR JUNK TELEVISION.
2. Meantime one company learns just how ESSENTIAL financing JUNK TV is:
TV Ads 'a Waste of Money' for the Back-in-Black Gap
...Marketing expenditure at Gap Inc. was trimmed 18% during the quarter, driven by the absence of TV ads for the Gap brand, company executives said. That contributed to a 40% jump in profits at Gap Inc., compared to the same period a year ago.
Okay, same-store sales were down. But how much higher would they have been with JUNK TV? Gap seems to have answered this question.
3. And speaking of wastes of money: American Airlines wasted money on PR for its baggage fee. Why not just conduct all your biz from a bunker, guys? You act that way.
1. "Consumers hate advertising," Mr. Gilbreath wrote in a preamble for a WPP Digital-backed discussion group last year. "Meanwhile, consumers hate us -- the marketers and advertisers who invent new ways to spam them online and offline. The result: CMO and agency turnover is rising dramatically, and advertisers are ranked below lawyers in terms of public respect."
So WHY, Mr. Gilbreath, is the AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS spending MORE MONEY on ADVERTISING than EVER -- and MORE MONEY ON JUNK TELEVISION?!?!?
In fairness the article does cite a few promising ideas for breaking away from the usual middle-finger-in-the-face menu -- but these are pennies compared to the BILLIONS FOR JUNK TELEVISION.
2. Meantime one company learns just how ESSENTIAL financing JUNK TV is:
TV Ads 'a Waste of Money' for the Back-in-Black Gap
...Marketing expenditure at Gap Inc. was trimmed 18% during the quarter, driven by the absence of TV ads for the Gap brand, company executives said. That contributed to a 40% jump in profits at Gap Inc., compared to the same period a year ago.
Okay, same-store sales were down. But how much higher would they have been with JUNK TV? Gap seems to have answered this question.
3. And speaking of wastes of money: American Airlines wasted money on PR for its baggage fee. Why not just conduct all your biz from a bunker, guys? You act that way.
Speaking of ever since the Fantasy and Profanity League strike ended we have heard not a sound about the cancer-curative powers of the EDWARD R. MURROW and ERIC SEVAREID of COMEDY. Isn't it time to invoke their holy names again? Or do we have a new and better teller of truth in THE MESSIAH?
Somebody writing under Jut-Jaw Jay's name groans:
I used to be able to identify any American car from 25 yards. Now they all have this jellybean look.
We don't know a good retort to that -- or maybe we do.
I used to be able to identify any American car from 25 yards. Now they all have this jellybean look.
We don't know a good retort to that -- or maybe we do.
What gets us mad about this story is that we've been told for decades we had no future in manufacturing. Now thanks in considerable measure to Cramermaniacs and their insane financial alchemy that made every metal platinum we're back in business, albeit employing maybe two more people than ten years ago. The great deindustrialization of America was based in no small part on corporate malevolence, on LEGENDARY WELCHES who hated the little guy, and now that we've thoroughly deindustrialized we're discovering we need industry again. This is why we rage when news hacks turn ST. WARRENS into GODS and CEOs into the stuff of myth; they blind our leaders to our needs in the fierce shine of their admiration. And this is why we doubly hate our governing superiors and their obsessions with GAMING, convention and stadium Taj Mahals and the AHTS.
YESTERDAY:
The United States is already in a recession and it will be longer as well as deeper than many people expect, U.S. investor Warren Buffett said in an interview published in German magazine Der Spiegel on Saturday.
He said the United States was "already in recession" and added: "Perhaps not in the sense that economists would define it" with two consecutive quarters of negative growth.
"But the people are already feeling the effects," said Buffett, the world's richest man. "It will be deeper and last longer than many think."
TODAY:
Buffett, dubbed the world's richest person by Forbes magazine, said he believed the situation in financial markets would not deteriorate further.
"I don't think the situation will get worse in financial markets. General conditions in the business world will get worse, but it will only last a while," he said, adding he had no idea when an upturn would come.
Which is it, O holy multitongued megazillioned ST. WARREN OF BUFFETT?
The United States is already in a recession and it will be longer as well as deeper than many people expect, U.S. investor Warren Buffett said in an interview published in German magazine Der Spiegel on Saturday.
He said the United States was "already in recession" and added: "Perhaps not in the sense that economists would define it" with two consecutive quarters of negative growth.
"But the people are already feeling the effects," said Buffett, the world's richest man. "It will be deeper and last longer than many think."
TODAY:
Buffett, dubbed the world's richest person by Forbes magazine, said he believed the situation in financial markets would not deteriorate further.
"I don't think the situation will get worse in financial markets. General conditions in the business world will get worse, but it will only last a while," he said, adding he had no idea when an upturn would come.
Which is it, O holy multitongued megazillioned ST. WARREN OF BUFFETT?