Posted 10:15 PM by Gene

Has anyone devoted a page to all the criminal activity inspired by RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S "invention"? That would be a good idea, and we wish someone would do it -- though it won't be us; we're busy writing for three people.

Here's another one -- RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Thank God criminals are stupid.”

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! isn't.

Posted 9:54 PM by Gene

Pinch dreams of Augusta again.

No golf club will ever be quite as exclusive as the news hacks' own mutual admiration society.

Posted 9:32 PM by Gene

CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) SPEAKS:

It is a measure of just how dangerous and disorienting Iraq has become that suspicions such as these are considered adequate grounds for locking up a man and throwing away the key.

It is a measure of just how dangerous and disorienting the news biz can be that the leader of the ASSPress could once insist his business is run by CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS. It is also a measure of how dangerous and disorienting it can be when CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) can speak of Bilal as though he knew him intimately, when in fact we suspect he's known him well only since the P-Ulitzer, and especially since his boys turned his detention into a J'ACCUSE! We do wish CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) at least had the guts to proclaim his prize photographer a political prisoner, as that would put the difference between our superiors the NEWS HACKS and we mere peon news consumers in bold relief.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

"You should never say 'never,' but the source of the intelligence is not a very good one – Saudi intelligence can sometimes be an oxymoron," Michael Scheuer, who ran the CIA's bin Laden unit, said on the Saturday Early Show. "It almost sounds like between the French and the Saudis are trying to goad bin Laden into saying something to prove he is still alive."

Figures -- if he does prove he's alive it would make the Saudis happy...and the French VERY happy.

Posted 2:16 PM by Gene

The TWXSTERS "confirm" it, but we'll wait until we're sure Elvis has left the building. He's died on us before.

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

Speaking of natural disasters:

The tsunami of 2004 triggered the biggest humanitarian response in history, feeding the hungry, heading off epidemics and engendering the hope that out of a calamity that took 216,000 lives, a better Indian Ocean rim would emerge.

But 18 months later recriminations are rife, with aid agencies standing accused of planning poorly, raising unrealistic expectations and simply being incompetent.

Brand-new homes infested with termites are being torn down in Indonesia while families in India were put into shelters deemed of "poor quality" and "uninhabitable" because of the heat. Thousands of boats donated to fishermen in Indonesia and Sri Lanka sit idle because they are unseaworthy or too small. Only 23 percent of the $10.4 billion in disaster aid to the worst hit countries, Indonesia and Sri Lanka, has been spent, according to the United Nations, because so much of it is earmarked for long-term construction projects.

Is it too much to expect governments ever to do anything right?

Former President Bill Clinton, the U.N. Special Envoy for Tsunami Recovery....

Oh, never mind.

Posted 1:15 PM by Gene

[A]longside the musical entertainment provided by superstar bands such as U2 and the Goo Goo Dolls, and city jazz legends Allen Toussaint, Kermit Ruffins and Irma Thomas, there are notes of discord. Is it right to spend such huge sums on a sports arena when hospitals, schools and government buildings are in desperate need of rebuilding and when half the city's population has yet to return?

Kathleen Blanco, the Louisiana governor, has no doubt. "The Superdome was symbolic of a lot of misery," she said. "It is now a symbol of recovery. It stands as a symbol of all our experiences over the past year."

Who needs Nero and his fiddle?

Posted 1:02 PM by Gene

Supermodel Cindy Crawford has caused controversy by allowing her five-year-old daughter to model a new swimwear range.

Kaya, Crawford's daughter with Rande Gerber, poses topless and in a string bikini, showing off a tattoo on her lower back in the ads for Melissa Odabash beachwear.

Odabash has been inundated with so much criticism, the company has removed the pictures of Kaya from its website.

You must have a good publicist, Cindy; we haven't heard of this.

We can see why.

Posted 11:35 AM by Gene

The bad news is: THE CONSPIRACY is selling R movies to minors again.

The GOOD news is: Hardly anyone else is going to the movies.

Posted 11:11 AM by Gene

The Democrats have a foreign-policy-and-defense Achilles heel, and they know it. They refuse to do the sensible thing here because common sense was forcibly removed from their party many years ago. If the Dems lose the midterms this is why.

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

There must come a point when Little Jeffy must ask himself if LEGENDARY WELCH's goal of total universal (er, NBC Universal) domination is worth being in entertainment. It was one thing when it was the fad to try to assemble one big national media firm, when LEGENDARY did it. Now the trend is to disassemble it. Financially we'd guess the new fad won't be any better for the shareholders than the old. And as the public gets wiser to media shenanigans merged or unmerged big business must ask itself how much the rabid obsessive association with media has hurt its rep. We despise GE BANCORP AND REALTY because it's in entertainment. If it weren't we might merely detest it.

And if Jeff Zucks thought he could play a game with certain of his viewers, SAMMY GLICKMAN can tell him it's one game he can lose.

Posted 9:43 AM by Gene

Now a once-overexposed has-been "comedian" tries to make money with Netcasting.

It's official: we're in another bubble!

...[T]he comedian is breaking just about every rule in television.

The hacks who write such usually enforce their own rules like Waffen SS.

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

Shucks, despite the blandishments of St. Cindy (and because his attorney didn't file papers on time) an heroic deserter is returning to the states to face charges.

Now in the minds of St. Cindys, which is ignoble: going AWOL, or coming home?

Posted 8:59 AM by Gene

Elvis has more lives than an army of alley cats, and we've a hunch he has a few more.

Posted 3:32 PM by Gene

(Fill in the blank with the sound of a man expelling a great deal of gas): Any scribbler who can use that sulfurous cliche "afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted" or some variation thereof most surely thinks he know all to the universe -- and we wouldn't disabuse him of that notion except, perhaps, for two things: 1. The news biz (and I've said this too often before) comforts the comfortable (show-biz megazillionaires) and afflicts the afflicted (the victims of tainted spinach and their families); and 2. The news biz was once run by the forces of right-wing reaction. Now it's run by the forces of left-wing reaction. What's the difference? (I've said that before too.)

Such are the perils of planning an IPO these days.

(Via MediaBistro and, alas, THE NEW! IMPROVED!! NRO!!!)

Posted 2:10 PM by Gene

Another reason TRIB sank to JUNK: I like cute animals too, but do we HAVE to devote 908 words to a glorified cartoon character who may be a composite? Aren't there real live human beings who deserve as much coverage -- like, say, stray-bullet homicide victims in the South Central ghetto our brave editor Mr. Baquet probably has never stepped in?

Posted 12:18 PM by Gene

B. S. DEFENDER GETS RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'S REPORTER FIRED!!!!!

Ol' B. S. must be dancing on his DELL LAPTOP!

Now he'll be as insufferable as SAM LITTLE. Pardon -- he already is.

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 12:15 PM by Gene

Why is it news that the government screwed up after a terrorist attack?

Posted 12:06 PM by Gene

Tech-savvy teen is CEO of $200k podcasting website

The bubble is BACK!!!!!

Don't get us wrong; we salute the ingenuity of these young entrepreneurs. But didn't we have lots of firebrands the last time?

Posted 12:02 PM by Gene

Cablevision Systems Corp., the U.S. cable-television provider that owns Madison Square Garden and the New York Knicks, awarded stock options to a dead executive in 1999, then backdated them to give the illusion they were granted when he was alive.

Niiiiiiiiiice work if you can get it....

Posted 11:56 AM by Gene

Mr. Hezbollah holds a victory rally.



Mission accomplished?

Posted 11:52 AM by Gene

The Pope is emceeing a "summit" re his remarks, meaning the Vatican may float off its foundations for all the platitudes.

Meantime Britain's Muslims are mad because the Beeb aired a tirade by a -- "moderate." Can nothing content them?

Posted 11:44 AM by Gene

More stupid from RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s zillion-dollar acquisition:

A university student appears to be responsible for an advertising class assignment that went awry when the teacher's pug was threatened to be killed online, the school said....

Mike Lear, an adjunct professor at VCU's Adcenter, last week gave his class an assignment to make his 6-year-old pug famous. While most students posted fliers around campus with the pooch's picture on them, the MySpace user opted for a more shocking approach.

It worked....

As RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! could have told him.

Posted 11:37 AM by Gene

Jonah or Ms. Travers or whomever has "fixed" NRO's home page so it can run video ads -- and it's eliminated drop-down menus.

Let's see: eBay tries Microsofting in "beta" and gets justly raked over the coals; Yahoo! Mail adds new inconveniences in a "beta" version -- why must Web sites always "improve" themselves?

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

Amid reports that an American official threatened to bomb Pakistan back to "the Stone Age" if it didn't cooperate with the United States in the war on terror, the Bush administration said today that its policy was "not to make bombing threats."

Given some portions of Pakistan bombing may not be necessary.

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

H-P was lauded by Business Ethics magazine for its efforts in helping communities and promoting diversity among its ranks. The magazine quotes Sid Reel, vice president of global inclusion and diversity at H-P who heads up a team that works with country managers on multiple diversity dimensions, including disabled employees: "We have 60 employee-resource groups involving race, gender and sexual orientation that air professional development and raise awareness of diversity issues," she says. "Our employees also help us make sure our own products are accessible."

Further, its cites H-P's Digital Village program, which establishes computer centers in villages in Africa, Asia and Latin America. And it says H-P is reducing greenhouse-gas emissions by cutting employee travel and using renewable energy.

And here is one reason we are destined for KennyBoys as far as the eye can see: Corporate America mistakes PC for ETHICAL.

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

A story like the SPINACH PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is a double godsend for the hacks, first because it allows them to create a national crisis (which will be forgotten in six months), and second because it allows them to violate the privacy of the private citizens who suffer dreadful losses as a result.

In the end, do such stories serve the slightest useful purpose?

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

Kellogg Man, no doubt back from 500 whirlwind tours where his subordinates could give our technology away, admits his Census Bureau has lost hundreds of laptops.

Thankfully Census already pries into our inner workings so our privacy isn't violated.

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

Oh oh, King Richard says social networking sites might NOT be worth $100 billion?

Is this a contrary indicator?

(Via Media Bistro)

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

What is Starbucks but a twee McDonald's?

Evidently Wall Street's starting to notice.

Posted 8:51 AM by Gene

SNL'S DARKEST CHAPTER [Jonah Goldberg]

Consensus from readers is the first cast after the original cast quit in the early 80's — right before Eddie Murphy & Co — was the absolute worst.

Posted at 8:24 AM

We figure you should know as an expert on comedy.

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

We could fit 10,000 Dubyas in a dark recess of John Adams's mind and still have room for 20 billion more.

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

The loud grinding noise you hear is the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers shredding even more of our money.

Posted 7:02 AM by Gene

TRIB may do a KNIGHTRIDDER!

What's the point of all these big media tyrannies now?

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

Wal-Mart once again shows its warm, fuzzy side: it screams at THE CONSPIRACY for underselling it!

Don't you believe in FREE ENTERPRISE, Wal?

Posted 6:45 AM by Gene

This is all well and good Chuck -- we agree with you -- but here's the problem: you're a CONSERVATIVE columnist, and it is increasingly obvious ONLY conservatives hold your viewpoint, meaning the other side of America at best condones the raging hypocrisy of Islamists, and is willing to go the whole way in shameless craven surrender.

Why can't a LIBERAL write a column like this?

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

The Palestinians' ruling Hamas group will not join a planned coalition government if recognizing Israel is a condition, a close aide to Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh of Hamas said Friday.

Do I hear all the slime that applauded Nukeman and Hugo shaking their heads and going "Yah yah!"?

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

"MGM" brings us more GENIUS in entertainment:

"Flyboys" represents an $80 million investment -- including a minority stake from Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, whose son David Ellison plays one of the U.S. aviators who volunteered to join the French Lafayette Escadrille before America entered the first World War.

TRANSLATION: The studio that used to be UA is releasing a vanity movie. It sure sounds it.

We suspect the Tantrum of Oracle knows no more about fillum than James "All the King's Men" Carville.

Posted 6:15 PM by Gene

And why would someone remake All the King's Men, a great film by all accounts that starred the inimitable Broderick Crawford?



That's almost like remaking Sophia Loren.

I'd like to see THE CONSPIRACY redo GONE WITH THE WIND.

We meant to post this picture yesterday and now we have the excuse.

Oh hell, one more from Stale.com:



These photos are argument enough the movies were once good and now stink and will only get worse.

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

In the months ahead we must not forget to talk up the upcoming (!) Os-CAR® nominees -- works of brilliance and enduring virtue, like All the King's Men. Or For Your Consideration (from the same independent TWXSTERS who gave us The Knighting of St. Edward of Murrow). Doesn't the biz tell enough bad inside jokes?

This will be a BRILLIANT year for FILLUM!

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

I don't see what's unusual about a pol talking from both sides of his mouth about "Hollywood values." Republicans all but ran off cliffs together proclaiming Ah-NULT one of their own despite his -- record. But then the question isn't will politicians hate the public, but how? And the Dems have a pretty good record as pusillanimous two-faces themselves.

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

All right, Ms. Travers, Ralph Kramden said something stupid. We expect politicians to say stupid things and hope the public forgets them. Your beloved Dubya comes to mind. Now can we p-lease hold the raves for awhile?

Posted 3:25 PM by Gene

Yale to post courses, video on Internet for free

Another argument against tuition.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

We hate wasting our time on the guy, but Romy noticed that Sirius employee B. S. DEFENDER went, er, ape. "HA! RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! EMPLOYS A RADIO CONSULTANT!! GOTCHA!!!!!" We suspected that piece was -- bull, considering the HUNDREDS of times RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plugged the late King in His paper; and RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is nothing but for His (and his wage slaves') conflicts of interest; but while we would not want to guess about the late King's celebrity bookings, we would say (to the extent we can trust Alexa and Hitwise) his traffic is way down from the first of the year (and down from late 2004, not long after the site began in earnest; it was a placeholder before), as are search engine hits, and Artie's (whoever that is) movie did BOMB. Want more proof your God isn't working?

Honest, I don't like exhumations. Let the King's corpse rest in peace; and shut up, B. S., and go back to gassing into a void about Facetime, or MeTube, or whatever your onanism of the moment.

Posted 12:58 PM by Gene

Petericia Travers just can't seem to get The House's Ralph Kramden out of her South Park-agitated rave-reviewing head:

CHARLIE RANGEL [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
was just on TV denouncing Hugo Chavez for showing up in Rangel's country, city, and right now even his congressional district and criticize President Bush. That's a job for Americans, Rangel says.

In other words, HE'S TICKED CHAVEZ IS TREADING ON HIS TURF, STEALING HIS THUNDER!!!!!

Posted at 12:49 PM [Overemphasis added]

Dammit, I'm not member #1 of the Charlie Rangel Fan Club -- but I'm definitely NOT member #1 of the PETERICIA TRAVERS FAN CLUB either.

And NEITHER ARE OTHERS.

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

Nikki Finke SCREAMS again:

EXCLUSIVE: Top LA Times Editors Loyal To Baquet Said To Have A 'Suicide Pact'

DON'T DO IT, guys! The forces of TRUTH depend upon you! ROMY and CJR depend upon you!

Oh, they're just going to resign en masse. Then they get replaced by bean counters. Will non-audiophiles know the difference?

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

And in more MUST-KNOW NEWS from the ASSociated Press:

Thailand's military coup this week interrupted filming of Nicolas Cage's new movie, a gangster thriller being shot in Bangkok, a news report said Thursday.

The Chinese news Web site Sina.com said Cage had prepared a private jet to leave the country on short notice.

Anything to protect that valuable face!

Posted 9:03 AM by Gene

Mayor Legacy of Chicago is going to try to stage the GE BANCORP GAMES in the SOUTH SIDE!

Take your pick: it's white elephants downtown or white elephants in THE GHETTO.

Good luck, Mayor!

P. S. On second thought maybe we shouldn't be so cynical: the neighborhood could use the uplift. But when will the RENDELLS finally realize TOURISM is not a good substitute for INDUSTRY?

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

The two brothers who owned the Rhode Island "nightclub" where 100 died after that cretinous pyrotechnic display are getting off very lightly. There was probably no decent outcome here. Locking them up for life would have been too harsh. Slapping on the wrist is too gentle. What was the proper punishment here? For what it's worth, they'll live with this forever, which at least is some punishment.

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

In other news of our favorite Nukeman:

Columbia Invites Ahmadinejad to Speak

...where he'll get an HOUR-LONG standing O!

And that's just after the introduction.

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

Wait till Larry "Gekko" Kudlow hears this:

Warning to the wealthy: The cash-strapped federal government is targeting you.

Having already gone after people with higher incomes through the federal tax code and the Social Security system, the government next year will begin charging wealthier seniors more for doctors' care under Medicare.

The Bush administration, members of Congress and outside experts are all looking at other ways to raise new revenue from the rich.

THIS IS PERSECUTION!

Right Larry?

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

SKNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNX unfurls the banner of the squishy center again -- and you wonder how he does it when it drips marshmallow on everything.

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

What? The dread Council on Foreign Relations is NONPLUSSED?

Mr. Ahmadinejad’s habit of answering every question about Iranian policy with a question about American policy was clearly wearing on some of the members, but at the end they acknowledged that he was about as skillful an interlocutor as they had ever encountered. “He is a master of counterpunch, deception, circumlocution,’’ Mr. Scowcroft said, shaking his head. Mr. Blackwill emerged from the conversation wondering how the United States would ever be able to negotiate with this Iranian government.

WE'LL MANAGE.

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

Mel Brooks is bringing his classic movie Spaceballs to television.... [Emphasis added]

Here's another reason for news orgs to run press releases: they leave out the middleman.

A Neuharthism of the Week award to Ben!

Posted 5:51 PM by Gene

A great big thank you to Yahoo! for Microsofting its e-mail! (i.e., adding animations, lots of busy-busyness, repeated click-clickings, using smaller fonts, etc., etc., etc.)

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

I guess this is next: the New York Sun reports Fixer and Lee Hamilton's "commission" will recommend talking to Iran and Syria, or a phased withdrawal. This should appeal to cowards of all stripes -- the Iran-and-Syria biz because it lets Fixer's friends sell oil, the phased-withdrawal biz because it allows the Dems' strategy of cut-and-run.

What a revoltin' development. Why is this not getting attention outside The Plank and Rev's church?

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

More BRILLIANT THINKING at the Corner: Hugo calling our president the Devil? It was HARRY TRUMAN'S FAULT!!!!!

Posted 1:19 PM by Gene

How many friends does someone with 5,000 E-FRIENDS have?

Posted 12:27 PM by Gene

KLO BLOWS A FUSE BECAUSE THE HOUSE'S RALPH KRAMDEN WILL RAISE UMPTEEN GAZILLION TAXES AS HEAD OF WAYS AND MEANS!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, Ms. Travers, we clicked on THE LINK, and he said THIS TOO:

Rangel said his first job as chairman would be to restore bipartisan cooperation to the committee. Thomas, he said, never consulted with Democrats on the panel and many in Rangel's party may be tempted to seek revenge for years of perceived mistreatment.

``They can't afford the luxury of getting even,'' Rangel said. ``I realize politically I can't get a damn thing done unless Republicans feel politically like partners.''

As a priority, he said Republicans and Democrats need to work together to address the expanding reach of the alternative minimum tax, a parallel system designed to prevent the richest from avoiding taxes that increasingly ensnares middle-income households. Repealing the AMT would cost the government in revenue more than $1 trillion over a decade, according to a 2005 report by a presidential panel.

``We'll have to pay for it, and it's a big monster to do,'' he said. ``But it's equity. It's the fair thing to do. It's a lousy policy to make a mistake and to keep the policy because it's expensive.'' [Link added.]

And what would you do, Petericia? Maybe you ought to stick with raving movies.

Posted 11:41 AM by Gene

Oil price pullback steepest in 15 years

$100-a-barrel oil, anyone?

P. S. This is why we'll continue to ply Iran with wet noodles long after Nukeman's built his first bomb; you could say he has us over a barrel.

Posted 11:38 AM by Gene

At U.N., Chavez Calls Bush 'The Devil'

And did the angels give him a standing O?

Posted 11:23 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in The Cute Little Pink Paper, Mr. Greatest Musical Ever regales us with a story of an immortal talent:

It takes all sorts, as Wittgenstein used to say over tea and crumpets. Joseph Pujol—a.k.a. La Petomane or “The Fartist”—literally farted his way to great fame and fortune. His astonishing innate talent, which at the height of his powers earned him more than Sarah Bernhardt, was first noticed at the Moulin Rouge in Paris, when he appeared poker-faced, dressed in immaculate evening wear to fart at will in perfect pitch to various classical concertos and popular songs.

Women in the audience fainted from laughing so much. They had to be carried out on stretchers by attendant nurses. La Petomane’s farts could also render a perfect imitation of the sound of several yards of cloth being slowly ripped or, if he felt like it, of rapid machine-gun fire, and all while he accompanied himself on the violin.

We wonder why the Great Prince Hal didn't line up such talent for his musi-CAL festi-VAL. Our flack apologizes for not being able to find similar genius among the offerings -- but in fact he already found one five years ago.

Posted 10:06 AM by Gene

We've come to a pretty pass when parents have to do random drug testing on their kids.

No wonder Islamists smile.

Posted 9:27 AM by Gene

We can understand why JonBoy wouldn't want to put this in his domestic rag: Chechnya has a new tyrant who's that kind of Muslim and whose hero is Mike Tyson. But the Russians are mad because he's trying to hoard THEIR oil.

Six of one....

Posted 9:16 AM by Gene

The next man to get fired by SUMNER has a PLAN:

"I plan to reinforce [creative innovation]" he said, adding: "We are, at the beginning and end, a creative company."

Brilliant, Phil! You may last long enough to take over from SUM!

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

Perhaps if I invented a private life and a hundred ex-girlfriends I too could be 10,063 in Alexa.com. Mr. Samuelson's thesis has its limits: very few people will read Heather's (or anybody's) ramblings ten years hence because they'll have melded into one squishy self-referential irrelevant dull-gray goo. The tragic tale of the late King tells us that deprived of the life-giving power of an audience the egomaniac's existence has no meaning -- and the blogger's audience may be a figment of the imagination as it is.

Posted 8:54 AM by Gene

Oh well, looks like the late King of Whatisit is going to stay late.

Nice knowing you, ex-Kingie!

(Via MediaBistro)

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

“We are living in dangerous and potentially cataclysmic times,” he said. “There will be no significant material and economic progress [in Muslim communities] until the Muslim mind is allowed to challenge the status quo of Muslim conventions and even their most cherished shibboleths.”

The former grand poobah of the British Vicarage and Tea-Time Club?!?

Posted 7:06 AM by Gene

Good news for Mr. My Business is My Business: Mitch McConnell is set to be the next Senile majority leader! Maybe now we can get rid of campaign finance reform once and for all!

We see Rev's disciples call him partisan. We'll take that to mean he's a Harry Reid of the right, and be done with it.

Posted 7:01 AM by Gene

Shedding some crocodile tears

The semi-literate who devised this hed thought he/she/it was being cute. But after the fun the hacks have had with this endless story it may be more correct than we think.

P. S. at 11:30 a.m. We hope Jean-Michel Cousteau might have the last word:

He had "a lot of respect" for Irwin, who he didn't know personally, and his "environmental message," Cousteau said.

But, he added, Irwin would "interfere with nature, jump on animals, grab them, hold them, and have this very, very spectacular, dramatic way of presenting things. Of course, it goes very well on television. It sells, it appeals to a lot people, but I think it's very misleading. You don't touch nature, you just look at it. And that's why I'm still alive. I've been diving over 61 years - a lot many more years that he's been alive - and I don't mess with nature."

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Nukeman has become like the eccentric uncle you hide in the closet; I can find neither hide nor hair of him -- except in DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way to go, news hacks! But if we're going to do this kind favor shouldn't we play up -- you know, THAT story?

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

The Luke of Luke Spielberg is giving a tiny portion (no doubt) of His GET-A-LIFE! fortune to His alma mater, meaning thousands of budding fillummakers can now make GET-A-LIFE! epics just like Him -- only they'll be DIGITAL.

We trust many of them will get jobs with YOUTUBE (or its successors).

Since 1991, the university has moved up in the closely watched U.S. News & World Report magazine rankings for major universities. It has gone from 48th to tied for 27th with Tufts University and the University of North Carolina in the 2007 rankings released last month. UCLA, once well ahead of USC, was ranked just one notch higher in the latest poll, at 26th.

Someone takes them SERIOUSLY?

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in Cute the aliteracy -- PUBLISHING biz continues to tempt fate by printing "memoirs." If that biz ran The Paper of Re-CORD with its level of veracity at least then it could go out of business.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

FLASH! FROM THE CUTE LITTLE PINK PAPER:

Times Draws Ragged Line Between Fact and Opinion

Well! We didn't know!

The New York Times has a rule about presenting opinions in its news columns: Henceforth, they must all conform to the left.

We noticed.

Alas, our two reporters are speaking of the rag's layout -- but as we said, we didn't know!

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

I'm not sure the Jews' refusal to meet with Nukeman was wise. Though it wouldn't have gone anywhere at the least they could at least have confronted him with his ethnic tolerance, and let them know where they stood. Quite possibly too they could have shook his hand and forced him to wash it for six hours.

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Holiday retail sales expected to rise 5%

Can't we save this blatherskite for later? But knowing USAOKAY!!!!! we could have such tripe year-round -- just as it's threatening with SUPER BOWL ADS.

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

You don't suppose the Every Child a Dilbert Act has inspired more "honors" courses, do you?

Which reminds us: Hahvahd Mutual Fund has a record cap -- and it spends only $930 million a year on administrative expenses! (That's the operating budget to you.) What care the managers what "honors" courses their clients take so long as we can up the ROI!

Posted 3:43 PM by Gene

Does anyone remember The Great Gildersleeve and his silly giggle? From this picture I'd say Suh Mennnnnnnzies Cahmpbell was stifling an uncontrollable one himself as his party approved a big tax hike on the rich. Fortunately the Liberal Democrats are a lowlier version of Labour, only more ninnyish.

Posted 2:28 PM by Gene

The administration-friendly Fox News Channel appears to be suffering from the same disaffection with Republican policies that is hurting the White House. The network has seen its prime-time ratings fall for 11 months in a row, and by double digits in the third quarter.

I SMELL THE VAST LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Or RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Via IWantMedia.com)

Posted 2:16 PM by Gene

More brilliant thinking at The Corner:

THE UNITED RIGHT... [Rich Lowry]
...on interrogations: NR, the Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal [CONSERVATIVE EDITION], all on the same page.

Posted at 2:00 PM

I guess that means a united left too. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

Brent Musburger opens his mouth when he's not supposed to!

Since when?

Posted 1:29 PM by Gene

We are not sure of the significance of this attempted coup in Thailand, except that he who wins gets a burgeoning sex business.

What else?

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

MEDIA BUYERS (bleeaah!) stare in the mirror and LOVE what they see!

They've got so much gray matter too they're exploding with new ideas for annoying ads to shake us down!

BUT:

While the new Aaron Sorkin show, tabbed by many critics as the best of the new season, averaged a 5.4 in its first half hour, just 0.3 behind CBS’s “CSI: Miami,” it dipped an alarming 15 percent in its second half to a 4.6. It averaged a decent 5.0 overall.

RETARDS!

Posted 11:55 AM by Gene

And as the world of the ASSociated Press demands immediate release of our political prisoner, we still search east, west, north and south for news, risking life and limb so that the public can be as well informed as we, the heroes of the ASSociated Press, can make it -- as with late-breaking need-to-know stories like this:

Fisher-Price Unveils T.M.X. Elmo




What's that in the box, ASSociated Press? Is it more TOP SECRETS we NEED to KNOW? Or will you just keep them to yourselves?

Posted 10:32 AM by Gene

Microsoft Starts Testing Video Site to Rival YouTube

YouTube is safe!

Posted 10:28 AM by Gene

How close was the Duquesne shooting to being a NO SNITCHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

Update: Bush to UN today: 'Stand up for peace'

Which is exactly what it will do when it gives Nukeman a standing ovation.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

Speaking of supposed sex symbols (and political prisoners, this also being from the ASSPress) we see Mickey Hargitay, Jayne Mansfield's ex, has died, which reminds us that The Poor Man's MM was infinitely better than whoever the rich man's favorite might be these days.

Posted 9:55 AM by Gene

And while we, the brave and stalwart forces of the ASSociated Press demand justice for our political prisoner, wrongly detained for merely taking pictures of the news, sacrificing his freedom in the name of the greater good which is the news, we, the noble truth tellers of the ASSociated Press, continue to bring the nation all the news it needs to know, whenever and wherever it needs to know it, boldly, without fear or favor -- just like the following:

Johansson Happy With Her Curvy Figure




A late-breaking photo for the story -- alas, not taken by our political prisoner. But he'd be proud!

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

If the late King of Whatisit is trying to wake himself from the dead, this raises three questions: 1) Why did ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! pay umpteen gazillion dollars for him?, 2) How will the late King's fans respond after his sellout -- if they respond?, and 3) How will whatever devoted fans who shelled out the monthly subscription fee feel?

(Via MediaLife Magazine)

Posted 7:02 AM by Gene

McCain annoys conservatives on detainees

Ha ha ha! That's OUR man!

Maybe we can get him to demand the release of our political prisoner!

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: If you thought no one saw LAST year's Oscar® nominees....

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Meanwhile, in the luxury news suites, the first faint flutterings of common sense?

Enough Apologies
» Anne Applebaum | Instead of apologizing in the face of Muslim anger, the West should unite to support free speech and condemn violent, unprovoked attacks on churches, embassies and elderly nuns. [Front-page tease]

The problem is, when a news hack sees common sense, he kills it, much as he kills a fly with a sledgehammer.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

"YOU INFIDELS AND DESPOTS, WE WILL CONTINUE OUR JIHAD [HOLY WAR] [Washington Times SIC] AND NEVER STOP UNTIL GOD AVAILS US TO CHOP YOUR NECKS AND RAISE THE FLUTTERING BANNER OF MONOTHEISM, WHEN GOD'S RULE IS ESTABLISHED GOVERNING ALL PEOPLE AND NATIONS!!!!!" [Overemphasis added]

And that's just the beginning!

Posted 6:42 AM by Gene

Shucks II: Dubya's poll numbers are up. We'll DEFINITELY have to DO something about THIS.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

Shucks, the ASSociated Press's political prisoner remains in confinement.

What shall we do? Have a sit-down strike? Or slant some more?

Posted 7:12 PM by Gene

Senator John F. Kerry today called for a new national commitment to reduce the number of abortions, saying that pro-life activists and abortion rights supporters can reach ``common ground" on one of the nation's most divisive cultural issues.

Is he running for -- NAH.

Posted 6:47 PM by Gene

Reading this story we want to apologize (temporarily, at least) for referring to "Useless News." The world seems to have underestimated Duke Cunningham's sliming-over perfidy, and the damage it's done us -- but alas, this may not be a sexy story for reporters, who seem more interested with partisan hectoring than such unprecedented sleaze -- even with its tempting RE-PUB-LI-CAN angle. True, with their endless detail such stories can glaze the eyeballs; but can anyone doubt these folks are on to something?

Soon, alas, it will be back to Use You Can News®, and those idiotic college rankings, and Useless News. Why can't Mort Zuck stick with reporting?

P. S. The third graf:

"I'm not here for ideology. I'm here to make money."

Sounds like the GOP's motto.

The last graf:

At his plea hearing in February, Wade expressed remorse for his actions. "I feel deep sorrow for the harm I have caused my family, friends, and former colleagues," he said. Embittered MZM employees say it's all a self-serving act. "He's not repentant at all," says a former executive. "In his mind, it's, 'I got caught.'"

We wonder how many Congresspoops and their ilk view bribery and indictments as occupational hazards. We don't want to know.

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

When someone like A. O. starts to THINK he is another argument for more newsroom layoffs.

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

When will our auto biz learn it can't make itself well with mergers of the ill?

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Hungary's left-of-centre leadership was on the verge of collapse today after a public radio station broadcast the Prime Minister, Ferenc Gyurcsany, admitting that he had lied repeatedly about the state of the economy.

This is refreshing -- a leader finally telling the TRUTH?

"Gyurcsany is not the solution, but part of the problem," said Tibor Navracsics, the leader of the Fidesz faction.

It's the same EVERYWHERE.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

There's this sudden fad in the Ivies to drop early admissions. What's the point of it when it won't reduce the snob factor, nor necessarily make the gaggle of prospectives any smarter?

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

And that we'd say shut up to the BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM does not mean we can't say SHUT UP to ROMY'S FAVORITE "BLOGGER."

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Which is one reason the continuing battle in LALALAND gets on my nerves. This courageous editor is not trying to save jobs from the bean counters; he wants to preserve his power. How a mighty newspaper with 1,000 scribblers is necessarily more powerful than a mighty newspaper with 800 scribblers is beyond us. But perhaps in the back of his head he recognizes the growing anger at the business, and his only answer is an equal obstinance, a refusal to listen to your critics, a belief you are somehow willed by your own inner god to do your work. That this battle is at least as political as it is based on alleged principle is why we have no sympathy for this noble cause; the news-hack high-and-mighty is even more offensive than their naked slanting. Thus we (barely) side with the bean counters, even though their ultimate goal is to produce a LOW-IQ BIRDCAGE LINER of a paper. But that may not be much worse than most readers have now.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

How does it feel having to type a story looking over your shoulder? Don't you get a pain in your neck? A pain in the head does not seem possible.

Can there be any doubt now which side the hacks take here?

Mike and Chris make it official: this story has reached the OH SHUT UP phase.

Posted 12:23 PM by Gene

Hint-hint: Apparently lots of SOCCER MOMS are watching Lucy van Pelt, which means the evening news could really get stupid.

Posted 11:00 AM by Gene

Warren Buffett tours Iscar in Israel

THE MESSIAH IS COME!!!!!

Posted 8:15 AM by Gene

The rich, they are different from a-you and a-me:

Posted 6:34 AM by Gene

An ad-blurbist shows his MENTAL MUSCLES:

In brainy 'Studio 60,' Aaron Sorkin reviles and reveres TV

Brainy! Brainy like me, bursting with gray matter like all my fellow ad-blurbists, Einsteinian to be saying, this television season is the greatest thing in America's cultural hissssssssssssstory!!!!!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Meantime Tom Shales sez:

Sorkin is "about to do to TV what he did to the White House," promises the NBC Web site. And what is that, exactly? "The West Wing" remained essentially respectful of its setting, and so does "Studio 60," even though it begins with the producer and founder of the show within the show, Judd Hirsch in a guest-star bit, taking to the airwaves to tell viewers that the program has been "lobotomized" by a "candy-ass broadcast network hellbent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience."

But that's not all the brain surgery going on: "We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry" because it is caught in a "struggle between art and commerce," he rants. Sorry, but the whole speech comes off as if Hirsch were speaking on Sorkin's behalf and wreaking some kind of revenge on muck-a-mucks and higher-ups who wronged him during his career -- or maybe he's chastising the audience for drifting away from "The West Wing" when the show grew tiresome.

Just what TV needs: another weekly lecture.

OR:

TV insiders will note the occasional poke in executive ribs. For example, Peet's character is named Jamie McDeer, a play off Jamie Tarses, who was in charge at ABC when Sports Night aired.

By the way, Sports Night, another inside show about television, didn't last beyond a couple of seasons.

And CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED too!

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

Ol' Charlie Hustle is sorry -- and he's crying all the way to the bank.

Really Chuck, all you had to do was write an apology to Zelig Selig -- and sell 10,000 autographed copies on eBay.

Posted 6:28 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The Swedes get their own version of the Tories, who'll nibble at the edges of reform but won't really do anything.

Posted 12:42 PM by Gene

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OH down double-digits again!

Keep it down -- UP!

Posted 12:26 PM by Gene

And speaking of the ASSociated Press, here's something I'd like the hacks to do: go up to all those protestors holding up signs in English and ask them to read them.

Posted 12:10 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: There is no reason Fidel's successors can't be as stone-headed as he.

Posted 11:06 AM by Gene

CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) ISSUES A J'ACCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The U.S. military in Iraq has imprisoned an Associated Press photographer for five months, accusing him of being a security threat but never filing charges or permitting a public hearing.

And why the J'ACCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Hint: it's the 36th and 37th GRAFS:

The military said bomb-making materials were found in the apartment where Hussein was captured but it never detailed what those materials were. The military said he tested positive for traces of explosives. Horton said that was virtually guaranteed for anyone on the streets of Ramadi at that time.

Hussein has been a frequent target of conservative critics on the Internet, who raised questions about his images months before the military detained him. One blogger and author, MICHELLE MALKIN, wrote about Hussein's detention on the day of his arrest, saying she'd been tipped by a military source. [Overemphasis added]

SO -- it's those EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL CONSERVATIVES holding him. Most likely the only practical effects of this disclosure are that the photog will not be released, and CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES become even more biased in their reporting, if that's possible.

Thankfully too it's 1,610 words, so no one will notice.

Posted 11:02 AM by Gene

We may wonder if the people around Anna Nicole are trying to turn the death of her son into a reality show.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

Judy Muller, of three highly unconventional news-gathering organizations, speaks:

I used to think one of the ugliest words in journalism was “synergy.”...

My favorite new word to hate is “repurposing.”

We think we know why for this too: both are code words for laying off brilliant, courageous, noble, dedicated, truth-telling defenders of justice.

(Via the usual Romy, who posted this on Friday, but we didn't pay attention -- but then no one else has, as it's garnered no comments)

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

I figured out why David Remnick gets such orgasmic write-ups: he does what every news hack dreams of doing, and he makes a huge salary -- and he gets away with it.

Posted 10:31 AM by Gene

Republican firebrand Patrick Buchanan said yesterday that President Bush should be impeached for failing to stem the "invasion" of illegal immigrants across America's Southern border.

Did you just fire your agent?

Posted 10:28 AM by Gene

So Jacques Chirac is a crook. Who knew?

Posted 10:22 AM by Gene

Wouldn't it be better if, instead of electing flesh-and-blood people to our highest elective offices, we just elected 180-pound Lemon Jell-O molds?

And why is it the only leaders who can open their mouths are Nukeman and Hugo?

Posted 10:17 AM by Gene

"It's a new issue," said John Whitehead, president of The Rutherford Institute, a civil liberties group that in 2003 represented an Oklahoma Muslim student suspended for wearing her hijab, or religious head scarf. "Schools are starting to be educated that Muslims take their religion seriously, and that includes dress."

The number of Muslim student associations in the United States has grown steadily since their inception 45 years ago, according to the Muslim American Society. But other religious groups including Hindus and Sikhs are also starting to organize, Haynes said.

Do I smell the Jets and the Sharks?

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

Although there'll be no mistaking the 2006-07 television season for a golden cultural renaissance, prime-time TV -- despite claims and fears to the contrary -- has one sizable silver lining: It's actually, genuinely getting, well . . . better.

So what's this your fellow typists have been yakking for months?

If recent history is any guide, about half of the 26 new shows that will appear for the first time this fall on the major broadcast networks will appear for the last time this fall.

Whew! That's a relief.

Posted 9:59 AM by Gene

Battle of the Heavyweights
Washington and Dallas face off Sunday as the HISTORIC rivalry heats up. –Jason La Canfora [Overemphasis added]

We pause for a moment. Remember that guy from -- Spain? France? Italy? Portugal? -- who did the head butt? What head butt? You don't remember? Yet 80,000 hacks breathlessly told us 20 billions were glued to their televisions during the fiendish act. Soccer -- FUTBALL -- made us scratch our heads for weeks. Now imagine what the rest of the world thinks when 400-pound meat slabs collide at 60 MPH, and we call it HISTORIC. Really guys, if you want a job, there's this new kid in the commish's office. But then you may have to give up that comfy press box. What shall it be?

And in other late-breaking norts spews:

Bears vs. Lions at Solider Field

That's a good alternate name for the spaceship.

Continuing with our norts spews rundown, The Flying Keyboard chimes in:

They hit the road, and for the first time in six years, the road did not hit back. In fact, what Michigan did Saturday in the shadow of Touchdown Jesus was enough to make Lloyd Carr consider an entire season of away games. They came, they saw, they trashed the place.

This is what I love about news hacks -- their precision writing. Hey Oprahette, after what Buckeye fans did last week I'm not sure we should have used that word.

Posted 9:58 AM by Gene

In The City of 56,286 Awards Ceremonies, controversies over giving awards to "civic leaders" who espouse things civic leaders may not deserve awards for.

Who got the brilliant idea that life should be one long awards ceremony?

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD CALLS OFF THE RIOTS!

Maybe even these clowns realize the last time they paraded before the cameras all it did was get people killed.

Meantime we suspect the Pope will never have anything to say about Islam again, which increases the chances he won't have anything worthwhile to say again.

Posted 9:50 AM by Gene

And the forgotten newsrag, USELESS NEWS, runs Use You Can News® (or whatever) on MySpace, proof again that at least two newsrags don't deserve to exist.

Posted 9:38 AM by Gene

C'mon, LittleJon -- this is YOUR rag now! The least we could have done is get thirty interns to scour the Web for a cover on the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL pope -- you know, just like the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL GOP (A plug for HBO? Guys, what does ST. WARREN think?). Instead you run one of those write-by-numbers PEOPLE NEWSRAG 100-type stories on twenty up-and-coming women! C'mon, LittleJon! We MUST do better than this if we're to win the war against our readers!

But hey, the new leading light of American JERNALISM does make himself, er, time to be a movie cri-TIC. Yep, this is your rag now -- even MORE selling, even MORE spinning.

Meanwhile the TWXSTERS imagine war against Iran. We can imagine it too.