THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
Blogroll Me!
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
JUNIOR's reissue label lets some LEGENDARY industry groupie write an occasional "column" (the more occasional the better -- if you know what we mean), and here's one result:
Jay-Z never had the ubiquity of this guy who just died in New Hampshire, not even close. Oh a dense media TOLD US Jay-Z was a worldbeater, but how many people lost their virginity, got pregnant, MASTURBATED to Boston????? [Too-much-of-it-is-bad-for-you overemphasis added]
We didn't, although we must say sometimes we'd want to beat our head against a wall with the umpteenth playback of "More Than a Feeling."
People who worry about the Web destroying our society should breathe easier; with keyboard pounders like Bill Lipshetz or Ben Lipzits or whatever his name is it will self-destruct first.
Jay-Z never had the ubiquity of this guy who just died in New Hampshire, not even close. Oh a dense media TOLD US Jay-Z was a worldbeater, but how many people lost their virginity, got pregnant, MASTURBATED to Boston????? [Too-much-of-it-is-bad-for-you overemphasis added]
We didn't, although we must say sometimes we'd want to beat our head against a wall with the umpteenth playback of "More Than a Feeling."
People who worry about the Web destroying our society should breathe easier; with keyboard pounders like Bill Lipshetz or Ben Lipzits or whatever his name is it will self-destruct first.
The bad news for a man my age: young women can be pretty.
The good news for a man my age: young women can be dense.
The good news for a man my age: young women can be dense.
The BBC’s coverage of business repeatedly breaches the Corporation’s own standards on impartiality, according to an internal report.
Its interviews can be “sycophantic” or overly aggressive, while presenters are guilty of appearing to plug products.
And how would the Beeb differ from most business news hacks in that?
Its interviews can be “sycophantic” or overly aggressive, while presenters are guilty of appearing to plug products.
And how would the Beeb differ from most business news hacks in that?
PIRATE TENTPOLE III earned less than TENTPOLE X-3 -- at more popcorn restaurants?
Since knuckleheads like PAUL DRECK and their enablers like USAOKAY!!!!! insist we pay attention to their dubious numbers with their constant HYPERBOLE we'll pay attention to them.
Since knuckleheads like PAUL DRECK and their enablers like USAOKAY!!!!! insist we pay attention to their dubious numbers with their constant HYPERBOLE we'll pay attention to them.
Hip is just another name for young retards with money.
"The overall lifestyle that they live is work hard, play harder."
Translation: Wife- (or husband-) beating alcoholic burnouts by 35, or future KennyBoys.
If outfits like LALA will waste our time with typing like this they can't lay off their scribblers fast enough. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to KIMI!
"The overall lifestyle that they live is work hard, play harder."
Translation: Wife- (or husband-) beating alcoholic burnouts by 35, or future KennyBoys.
If outfits like LALA will waste our time with typing like this they can't lay off their scribblers fast enough. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to KIMI!
We sympathize with the desire of people around the world to be free; but what, Lord Connery (or whatever they call you), would an "independent" Scotland mean? We know what it would mean; you'd be a defacto colony of the U. K. anyway, and you probably couldn't rustle up enough business to justify yourselves, and no, it is highly unlikely the citizens will want to speak Scottish.
Surprise: advertising made by the PEEPUL can be more expensive, and counterproductive.
We will have conventional top-down-you-buy-it-or-else advertising twenty years from now, and fifty years from now, and FIVE THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW.
We will have conventional top-down-you-buy-it-or-else advertising twenty years from now, and fifty years from now, and FIVE THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Surprise from our favorite TV-biz trade site:
Fox Tops Anna Nicole Coverage
Another surprise from our favorite TV-biz trade site:
Report: TV Revs Up 8.2%
The big numbers are buoyed by political money; BIA projects a 1.4% drop in revenue for 2007, followed by a 9.9% rebound in the election year 2008.
@#$%&* ADVERTISING IDIOTS CAN'T STOP SPENDING OUR @#$%&* MONEY!
Fox Tops Anna Nicole Coverage
Another surprise from our favorite TV-biz trade site:
Report: TV Revs Up 8.2%
The big numbers are buoyed by political money; BIA projects a 1.4% drop in revenue for 2007, followed by a 9.9% rebound in the election year 2008.
@#$%&* ADVERTISING IDIOTS CAN'T STOP SPENDING OUR @#$%&* MONEY!
"WE SUCK LESS!!!!!"
That's a neat motto for the DOG Star, ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
(Via MediaBistro)
That's a neat motto for the DOG Star, ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
(Via MediaBistro)
Public figures' favorite activity (aside from making as much money as possible and shafting the public as much as possible) is eating fillet of sole. The Pope seems prone to this diet. He should know news hacks will especially jump on a pope because religion is a fiction and because their faces turn beet red and their heads swell to three times their normal size at the thought someone hates abortion, or may criticize M----ms. Our leaders love fillet of sole because most have so little sense, and while we believe the Pope has sense, we wonder if his advisers have it, or if he has reached the age where reason simply short-circuits itself -- or if quite possibly he isn't up to his job.
And speaking of Gods, look who's back -- in the music biz: YAHWEH himself, Mike Ovitz!
He will quickly discover bean counting won't do, and neither will His "talent".
He will quickly discover bean counting won't do, and neither will His "talent".
SLIME thought He could pull a fast one on TiVo users by running a little over with His PROFIT CENTER. That He had to "apologize" indicates the stunt didn't work as planned -- and then Gods like Him wonder why Their shows have RATINGS LEAKAGE.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
ROMY has discovered another of the bright new stars of JERNALISM who proposes a pledge drive for PINCHCO stock, totally oblivious to the fact that his drive could buy $2 trillion of it and GUESS WHO would still control the company. Why can't these clowns advocate the kind of socialism in JERNALISM they really want?
In other excessive verbiage about pop culture, USAOKAY!!!!! fears in 1,580 WORDS (counting links but not counting the review) that people will hate Pirate Tentpole III because it's worse than the first two, to which we say, the second earned more than the first, and it doesn't matter anyway as the movie phreaks are DEAF, DUMB and, above all, BLIND.
That a publicity broadsheet like USAOKAY!!!!! can admit to this shows just how much our culture stinks and how much the hacks are covering that inconvenient fact up.
That a publicity broadsheet like USAOKAY!!!!! can admit to this shows just how much our culture stinks and how much the hacks are covering that inconvenient fact up.
TRANSLATION: Member for member CAIR is the most powerful lobby this side of THE CONSPIRACY.
(Sorry for the FRONTPAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(Sorry for the FRONTPAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Speaking of publicity, AMERICA'S LEADING MEDIA PROFIT CENTER ends until January.
News hacks all over America are having idiot conferences as to how to expand this profit center. Expand this profit center, morons, and you contract your audience even further.
News hacks all over America are having idiot conferences as to how to expand this profit center. Expand this profit center, morons, and you contract your audience even further.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Yes! THIS is where we should be sending OUR soldiers -- to DARFUR!
Once they get outoutOUT of Iraq!
"I would impose a no-fly zone immediately and I would commit [US] forces to stop the Janjaweed -- NOW!!!!!" [Overemphasis added.]
But first of all let me assert my firm belief that four score and seven years ago...oh, never mind.
Once they get outoutOUT of Iraq!
"I would impose a no-fly zone immediately and I would commit [US] forces to stop the Janjaweed -- NOW!!!!!" [Overemphasis added.]
But first of all let me assert my firm belief that four score and seven years ago...oh, never mind.
Oh, NO! THE WIZARD OF OZ still has the POWER to DESTROY MARKETS!
He MUST sit on the couch for Gekko Kudlow!
He MUST sit on the couch for Gekko Kudlow!
The courageous House has passed a courageous bill to end gas price gouging!
Speaker Babs, why don't you go back to timetables?
Speaker Babs, why don't you go back to timetables?
Iran has not only ignored a U.N. Security Council deadline to stop uranium enrichment activity but expanded it [sic], according to a confidential International Atomic Energy Agency report obtained by Reuters on Wednesday.
Time to slap it with ten thousand bowls of wet noodles!
Time to slap it with ten thousand bowls of wet noodles!
Gekko Kudlow's very slightly worried (and happily it's very slightly so it means he's not worried):
Goldilocks is featured prominently this morning in the front-page Wall Street Journal cover story, “Why Market Optimists Say This Bull Has Legs”.
It’s a great article. That said, I always get a little nervous when major publications run these cover stories (Business Week boasts a particularly bad record of calling markets tops with their cover stories).
I’d prefer this to remain the "greatest story never told."
Don't worry, Gek: 5,000 bizrags, 10,000 business news sites and THE BIG C will keep this absolutely HUSH.
Goldilocks is featured prominently this morning in the front-page Wall Street Journal cover story, “Why Market Optimists Say This Bull Has Legs”.
It’s a great article. That said, I always get a little nervous when major publications run these cover stories (Business Week boasts a particularly bad record of calling markets tops with their cover stories).
I’d prefer this to remain the "greatest story never told."
Don't worry, Gek: 5,000 bizrags, 10,000 business news sites and THE BIG C will keep this absolutely HUSH.
Whoda thunk it: the congressional Democrats have sunk into a morass just as the Republicans did.
TRANSLATION: The Dems are the GOP of the left.
TRANSLATION: The Dems are the GOP of the left.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
If the lady on the right might cause accidents, the religion of the lady on the left can cause, shall we say, intentional accidents.
Does anyone notice what looks like wedding ring?
An ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PARK will open in Branson East!
The Addams Family...Spider-Man...pretty soon Branson East will have almost as many cartoon characters as Disney World!
The Addams Family...Spider-Man...pretty soon Branson East will have almost as many cartoon characters as Disney World!
Monday, May 21, 2007
And from the World's Leading Producer of Fantasy, an extraordinary proclamation:
(Via MediaBistro)
TIME INC.’S SOUTHERN PROGRESS CORPORATION LAUNCHES MAJOR FOOD PORTAL
[SIC](Via MediaBistro)
Someone named Malchow had to point to the winner of something UK called "the 2007 National Short Story prize" who says our literature has disastrously abandoned comedy for the self-referentially gloomy. We won't quibble with the deadly dullness of modern fiction, desiccated as it is by freeze-drying and vacuum packing in the academy, even if the complaint too often resounds like received opinion in an echo chamber; but the author gives her show away by citing the usual trendy pop-cultural favorites (you know who they are) as a source of comic inspiration and believing that the Web represents a wealth of something beyond logorhhea, and then by further believing it is possible to laugh out loud at writing. Trouble is the movies and television took the printed word's humor away through their ruthless efficiency. What college alumnus didn't slog through Tristram Shandy, the unfunniest book ever to accrue a "hilarious" fame? That she mentions A Confederacy of Dunces further annoys us as there's another book whose comedy comes solely from its reputation. And what is Rabelais in his essence but the inventor of fart jokes? (Just like Chaucer, whose alleged humor was but a bawdy version of Truth or Consequences.) And let us not forget most humor is rooted to its time and place like the sequoia, and transmogrifies into toothpicks. Ask the Artemus Ward Fan Club. One can further imagine the writing clique taking this Stale.com iconoclasm to its withered bosom and mass-producing comic novels every bit as award-winning as their gloom. No, the problem isn't that we can't produce comedy; the problem is we can't produce literature.
Will China eye GE? [Home-page hed]
1. Will LEGENDARY WELCH be the lead banker? 2. Somewhere, He's laughing. 3. It may be Little Jeffy's last shot at getting it past the 30s.
1. Will LEGENDARY WELCH be the lead banker? 2. Somewhere, He's laughing. 3. It may be Little Jeffy's last shot at getting it past the 30s.
The EDDIE! of the Southwest is IN!
He will soon learn, however, that it isn't enough to make the voters (or the women) feel good.
He will soon learn, however, that it isn't enough to make the voters (or the women) feel good.
Prepare to amputate:
As the costs for fixing the state's troubled corrections system rocket higher, California is headed for a dubious milestone -- for the first time the state will spend more on incarcerating inmates than on educating students in its public universities.
And then we add all the zillions gullible California parents throw at HYER LERNING -- not to mention all the zillions the state's taxpayers finance LOER LERNING with -- and EHDYUKAYSHUN still vastly outspends prisons, no doubt. But it makes a catchy factoid.
As the costs for fixing the state's troubled corrections system rocket higher, California is headed for a dubious milestone -- for the first time the state will spend more on incarcerating inmates than on educating students in its public universities.
And then we add all the zillions gullible California parents throw at HYER LERNING -- not to mention all the zillions the state's taxpayers finance LOER LERNING with -- and EHDYUKAYSHUN still vastly outspends prisons, no doubt. But it makes a catchy factoid.
Despite campaign promises, both parties are slow and very reluctant to change their bad habits.
TRANSLATION: They both have a good thing going!
TRANSLATION: They both have a good thing going!
Revenge of the nerds double: thousands of dollars in phone bills from teenagers typing OMG all day.
(Via Slashdot, natch -- where they're celebrating getting their stupid Linux penguin on an Indy car)
(Via Slashdot, natch -- where they're celebrating getting their stupid Linux penguin on an Indy car)
Revenge of the nerds:
On a quiet cul-de-sac in Southernwalk, an upscale Loudoun County neighborhood, the fiber-optic cables beneath the manicured lawns were once a source of technological pride. Now they're a source of headaches.
Seven years ago, the neighborhood's homeowners association, set up by the developer Van Metre Homes, inked an exclusive deal with OpenBand, a small Dulles firm, to provide Internet, cable and phone service to all 1,100 homes. Residents say they are now locked into an expensive, decades-long contract for second-rate services.
This will happen when you're first with the most.
On a quiet cul-de-sac in Southernwalk, an upscale Loudoun County neighborhood, the fiber-optic cables beneath the manicured lawns were once a source of technological pride. Now they're a source of headaches.
Seven years ago, the neighborhood's homeowners association, set up by the developer Van Metre Homes, inked an exclusive deal with OpenBand, a small Dulles firm, to provide Internet, cable and phone service to all 1,100 homes. Residents say they are now locked into an expensive, decades-long contract for second-rate services.
This will happen when you're first with the most.
Getting rid of 25% of the Chronicle's newsroom staff is "not just trimming fat, that's an amputation -- that's LOSING A LIMB!!!!!" says Project for Excellence in Journalism director Tom Rosenstiel. [Concerned overemphasis added]
Hey keep campaigning for Democrats and quoting PERFESSER THOMPSON and PAUL DRECK and you'd better prepare to sacrifice a few more limbs.
Hey keep campaigning for Democrats and quoting PERFESSER THOMPSON and PAUL DRECK and you'd better prepare to sacrifice a few more limbs.
AMERICA'S GREATEST EX-PRESIDENT was so taken aback by criticism of his criticism he could only stutter, "I they they were careless" -- at least so the MESS says. Not an apology of course; AMERICA'S GREATEST EX-PREZ need never apologize.
Jimmah must keep his stuttering to himself next time.
Jimmah must keep his stuttering to himself next time.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Hey Rance! RANCE CRAIN!! Since we're giving awards to publishers of junk magazines that are "hot", let's give awards to junk moviemakers who are "hot"? Think we can swing it, Rance?
Further translation: Here's another pile of doo-doo THE WEB foisted on us.
We almost gave Claude a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD but held back because of the reporting. The NEXT time, Claude....
And in other content from America's leading journal of the MadAve hacks, the Three-Headed Dog hasn't even taken possession of Chrysler and already it's allegedly selling more cars! Why did it take a management change to move product -- and what's to make people abandon the brand after the novelty's worn off?
Further translation: Here's another pile of doo-doo THE WEB foisted on us.
We almost gave Claude a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD but held back because of the reporting. The NEXT time, Claude....
And in other content from America's leading journal of the MadAve hacks, the Three-Headed Dog hasn't even taken possession of Chrysler and already it's allegedly selling more cars! Why did it take a management change to move product -- and what's to make people abandon the brand after the novelty's worn off?
The Spanish government, which normally buries its PC head in the sand, arouses itself to a fury because someone may have discovered old gold illegally -- with the British!
We sort of liked it better when you were appeasing militants.
We sort of liked it better when you were appeasing militants.
Slashdot's geeks are EXCITED over the HUGE BACKLASH to XM's suspensions of its HEROIC GENIUSES!! MILLIONS are canceling their subscriptions! And advertisers are joining in the fight -- like Nashville Coffee -- almost as famous as Folger's! And Adam and Eve -- maker of dildos! And....
Guys, go back to playing with your Star Trek toys and yourselves.
P. S. McAfee Site Advisor hasn't decided whether Nashville Coffee's site is safe. As for Adam and Eve, well, you can guess. Yes, one can be judged by the company he keeps.
We're FED UP and we won't take tainted imports from China any more!
But there's a catch, as always:
Dead pets and melamine-tainted food notwithstanding, change will prove difficult, policy experts say, in large part because U.S. companies have become so dependent on the Chinese economy that tighter rules on imports stand to harm the U.S. economy, too.
Wal-Mart WINS!
But there's a catch, as always:
Dead pets and melamine-tainted food notwithstanding, change will prove difficult, policy experts say, in large part because U.S. companies have become so dependent on the Chinese economy that tighter rules on imports stand to harm the U.S. economy, too.
Wal-Mart WINS!