Posted 3:08 PM by Gene

It's official: There's no future for movies that aren't theme parks. A simple story about a boy and a girl doesn't need bells and whistles. A movie that's about bells and whistles needs bells and whistles. Because the industry has become America's baby sitter and reaps a huge (and increasingly unjustified) premium for 3D, it no longer needs to make movies that aren't about bells and whistles, though as we've noted obsessively it stopped making movies for anyone above the age of three decades ago. We must nonetheless ask: When does boredom kick in? The dep -- recession can't entirely explain what happened to video games last year. Most likely the people we can no longer call retards will drive them back. But no business that likes to tout its universality can go on making displays of bells and whistles forever, unless it has a suicide pact with itself.

Posted 2:46 PM by Gene

1. We're not sure the WAXLADY should complain about the LALATimes using its front page for advertising. 2. What's the difference between this front-page ad and the likes of Mogul's Friend except the latter isn't slugged?

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 2:29 PM by Gene

1. We knew GE BANCORP NETWORK was in trouble BUT.... 2. Fixing that letter S might cost Z$100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000! (The OLD currency, blast it!)

Posted 2:02 PM by Gene

APPLE AT $210 AND IT STILL LOOKS CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Priceless overemphasis added]

Okay Little Malc, when do WE get YOUR trickle-down effect?

Posted 1:54 PM by Gene

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (Disney) represents the confluence of a number of depressing cinematic trends: the need to ransack classic children's literature for ideas, the unimaginative layering of 3-D technology onto a visual universe that would look just fine without it, and the belief that slathering familiar storylines with a superficial gloss of Gothic "darkness" constitutes a substantial reinterpretation. [Emphasis added]

That loud rattling noise you hear is readers everywhere rolling their eyes.

Posted 11:23 AM by Gene

How disappointing that John McWhorter has fallen victim to the FORBESLIST listicle gag because he's put forth a gut-wrenching list of ten people who've helped bring down black America. How apt that most of them are white liberals.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

Whenever I see TINAS saying "WINGNUT!!!!!" why do I inevitably think they mean "conservative"? No, instead of engaging in cute politicking, let's call this guy for what he was: SCUM. There is NO LEFT OR RIGHT TO SCUM.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

DC COMICS PICTURES (New Line marque) is reviving POLICE ACADEMY!

Just when you think the business hasn't reached the dregs...it goes beneath them.

(We have to fix the logo; it's missing some shading. Chalk that up to our not knowing how to use Paint.net.)

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

1. The high-tech firm without SOBs doesn't exist, and 2. Mark will make his $800 megazillion on the IPO however shady he is.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

Federal employees earn higher average salaries than private-sector workers in more than eight out of 10 occupations, a USA TODAY analysis of federal data finds.

So why should anyone bother looking for a private-sector job anymore?

Posted 2:17 PM by Gene

27 arrested after Maryland’s victory over Duke

Now let's win the national championship!

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

One of SLIME's hacks says FACEBOOK COULD BE WORTH "MORE THAN $100 BILLION BY 2015!!!!!!!!!!"

Which means, 1. Someone's trying to needle THE BOSS, or 2. Someone wants an in. To be sure the way the Wall Street Fantasyland works it could go to half a kazillion -- one of this hack's fellow publicists tosses the word "trillion" out in what she thinks is a joke, and it certainly is -- on the readers; but whatever the case, this smells of the usual business-reporting bull leavings, and The Wall Street JOURNALS haven't exactly covered themselves with glory here. How could they being owned by SLIME?

(Via Seeking Alpha)

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

Citigroup Inc. enjoys an implicit government guarantee without which it would be viewed as more risky, a key government watchdog told the company's chief executive Thursday.

How heartwarming! And how kind of Uncle Sam, too! Pffffffffffffffffffffft!

Posted 1:28 PM by Gene

Actually price transparency in health care does sound like a good idea -- which is why no one will endorse it.

(Via Seeking Alpha)

Posted 11:49 AM by Gene

"IF YOU HAD ANY DOUBT, ANY DOUBT WHATSOEVER, THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE FEAR-MONGERING LUNATIC FRINGE, THOSE DOUBTS WERE ERASED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!" [Doubt-free overemphasis added]

As we said before, A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

Posted 10:43 AM by Gene

I guess Speaker Babs couldn't quite swallow the notion of FORTNEY "THE ATHEIST MADMAN" STARK!!!!!!!!!! running Ways and Means. This, for Democrats, is rare common sense.

P. S. The video is linked on WALTER WINCHELL JR.!!!!!!!!!! JR. (sorry), which may explain that "OUTRAGEOUS REMARKS!!!!!" gag. When your side screams of "OUTRAGEOUS REMARKS!!!!!" it keeps silent about its own -- and this is true on BOTH SIDES. Better just to view FORTNEYS as the ASSES they are, and not dignify them with partisan anger.

Posted 10:39 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: Ahtists have gone from throwing political tantrums to just being untalented.

Posted 10:35 AM by Gene

A shame Ellen Goodman has retired; she could present this "female Captain Bligh" as a "hero".

Posted 10:12 AM by Gene

Oops:

Rupert Murdoch, who may have spent the equivalent of the projected earnings of News Corp.’s hit movie “Avatar” to settle lawsuits against his supermarket-coupon unit, risks losing millions more at a trial over alleged anticompetitive behavior by the same business.

This is what media writers call GENIUS.

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 2:49 PM by Gene

Daly publishes writer's phone number

Er, BOOM BOOM BOOM, you don't suppose this might be counterproductive, do you?

(Via MICHAEL; the delicious story that prompted this here. "Eventually, his personnel file at the PGA Tour swelled to 456 pages, with incidents covering 18 years, through the fall of 2008." That could make a great comic novel!)

Posted 2:17 PM by Gene

Two self-congratulatory pieces (one from the PC cheerleader Mogul's Friend) on that dark thing in show-biz again. We would only note in rebuttal that THE BEST PIC-TYURE OS-CAR® FAVORITE has done $13 million in business, or about TWO PERCENT DOMESTICALLY of the movee that put its maker SLIME to sleep; and we would challenge even the most rabid show queen to point to the last time a Branson East tune made the top-10 pop charts. The problem with going dark is that eventually you could fade to black. Movees and musicals are on their way.

(Via AHTSJournal, which quite often deserves to fade to black too)

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: The Congressional Democrats have decided to go for ritual hara-kiri after all.

Posted 10:40 AM by Gene

Google News for "tax increase" -- 56,492 links. Google News for "tax reduction" -- 16,749 links.

It's imperfect but do I smell something?

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: 1. WOODSTER THE PERV is in virtual exile, thanks to the fact that even Hollywood's money burners could no longer find the right excuse to finance his ruminations on Wittgenstein. 2. WOODSTER THE PERV has a new girlfriend.

Posted 10:07 AM by Gene

NO, FitzJen, KAPLAN, INC. would NOT instantly double in value if its WAPOST DIVISION disappeared. Au contraire, it seems investors have fully valued its education unit and justly think the WAPOST DIVISION worth close to ZERO. This kind of brazen innumeracy explains ALL-TIME BOX OFFICE RECORDS!!!!!, ENORMOUS RATINGS!!!!! for Jut-Jaw, and other such jokes.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 8:42 AM by Gene

Well, if there's a fire (hint hint), people can punch holes through the ad -- or maybe it will burn up so quickly as to flutter harmlessly to the ground, or something.

We're only surprised LOWSY MAYS or ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN didn't think this up before.

“I would say 70-80 percent of the ads on illegal billboards in Los Angeles are for movies and TV shows. In fact, it might even be higher than that,” said Dennis Hathaway, president of the Coalition to Ban the Billboard Blight.

TRANSLATION: The MOVEE excreters, not content to put their eyesores in popcorn restaurants, must make them as public as possible.

Posted 8:33 AM by Gene

Yeah Politico, just what we need -- another Texan in the White House. Weren't the last two bad enough?

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Shucks, CHOLLY's Life of Riley is about to come to an "inglorious" conclusion.

Well, there's always the Dominican Republic.

Posted 7:02 PM by Gene

The Web site of the state-owned Global Times invited people to vote in an informal survey, and got a big majority -- 80 percent of a sample of 4,448 respondents -- in favor of Chinese efforts to become the world's top military power.

The respondents were split (52 percent in favor, 48 percent against) on whether the quest for such an ambitious goal should be expressed in public.

1. I guess they've heard of Toyota too! 2. And they put out a lot of defective merchandise!

Posted 6:50 PM by Gene

OooooOOOOOoooooh, because he campaigned for an Os-CAR® by e-mail, one of the producers of the $13-million-B. O.-smash masterpiece that's the favorite won't be allowed to attend the award show!

Now why couldn't the ACADEMY® have done something like that before? We could think of a few worthies.

Posted 6:42 PM by Gene

This isn't the place to make an electioneering spiel--I don't want to be a test case of campaign finance law if I can help it.

Hey Mick! You keep it up and that Web site of yours should grant your opponent equal time!

How about it, ST. WARREN?

Posted 6:37 PM by Gene

Gov. Sanford didn't quit! Gov. Gibbons didn't quit! Why should I have to quit?

And I'm better than they are! I'm a Democrat!

Posted 3:43 PM by Gene

We're not going to defend Beanball Bunning and his political tone-deafness; but we would say his ten-thumbed anger makes it clear at some point we've got to spend less money, however politically inconvenient it is, and too many go into the whiny crybaby default mode at the prospect.

Posted 2:17 PM by Gene

Sorry Team Conan, Jay Leno’s Re-Premiere Ratings Are ENORMOUS!!!!!!!!!! [ENORMOUS overemphasis added]

5.4 percent of households with TVs. 2.0 percent of the dummy demo. ENORMOUS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:35 PM by Gene

"(Graffiti) impacts how people feel about the way they live," said Montes, in Avondale. "They feel insecure. It makes people feel unsafe, that they've been violated."

Even though it's art?

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

Mickey Kaus is running for the Senate.

Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

P. S. THE BLOG POST OF THE CENTURY:

The Epistemology of Kausfiles

14 Oct 2007 04:48 pm

Mickey Kaus' long post here about John Edwards' alleged affair with Rielle Hunter is almost self-refuting. Basically, we have an anonymous source saying Hunter said she had an affair with Edwards, versus Hunter, on the record, saying that's not the case. Then there's Edwards, also saying it's not the case. But Kaus initially deems Edwards' denial too vague and non-specific. But then:

Update: The AP has Edwards adding "It's completely untrue, ridiculous" and saying the story was "made up." By the Enquirer? Or by one of the people the Enquirer cites? Either way, it's a direct attack on the integrity of someone (not necessarily a smart move for a politician in Edwards' position). ...

[Banging my head against the wall] Basically what we have here is that if we assume the anonymous hearsay is true and the on-the-record first-hand denial is false, then Edwards is either mishandling the story by denying it too vaguely ("the story is false") or else is mishandling it by denying it too directly ("made up") but what if the story's not true? No doubt by now we've had all the legitimate news organizations in the country looking into it and it seems that . . . nobody can come up with any evidence. As we saw with Scott Beauchamp, and the fake John Kerry intern affair story, if you just operate from within an assumption of guilt it's very hard for someone to prove his innocence but that's why we . . . don't operate with an assumption of guilt! [Emphasis and Politico.com link added]

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

(Via -- oh well -- NRO)

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

Rare outspoken reform call from China state media

TRANSLATION: The Central Committee's up to something.

Posted 8:22 AM by Gene

"I'm Jay Leno, your host. At least, for a while."

Yep, those lines from those New York comedians would have been better.

Posted 7:54 PM by Gene

TGSM apologizes and the resort where he apologized goes bankrupt. Symbolic but very heavily so.

Posted 6:47 PM by Gene

As part of my continuing obsession with downloading (over 750 albums in two months! Although half are replacements for improving my hard drive -- thank you BUGMEISTERS for SyncToy and why didn't I use it before?) I've come across that peculiar pestilence the stag record. I submit stag records helped foment the sexual revolution because at heart they're so repressed and had the gall to pretend otherwise. Stag records had a Lillian Russell in Kay Martin -- a sexy dame with a sexless voice (think bored telephone operators) who sang "adult" versions of kiddie tunes. Listen to more than a few minutes of the female stag stars and the first word in your mind is "lush". The male "comedians" are worse. Were their jokes funny then? Someone in Vegas put on a whole musical show of these jokes for ages -- Laugh-In without sex appeal or any appeal. Variety raved it, meaning it could be bribed even then. And someone had to record it. (The rave's quoted on the back album cover.) Here's a typical circa-1970 laff riot:

MINISTER: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this afternoon to join in holy matrimony (raucous middle-aged female audience cackling) these two... (more raucous middle-aged female audience cackling) these two, um...eh, hahahaha...excuse me, my children, I-I'm afraid there's a little problem here: I-I-I can't tell which of you is the man and which of you is the woman! I-I don't know -- well I'll tell you what: we'll settle this biologically. Which of you two has the menstrual cycle?

(After a pause and some more middle-aged female audience cackling)

GROOM: Well it must be her 'cause I got a Honda.

If Hefnerizing America did too much bad it did a lonesome good by obsoleting the stag record.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

Speaking further of scams (and this is the LAST time we will mention this -- we hope for a few months), the GE BANCORP COMMERCIAL REVUE ended on an appropriate note, and we hope a certain moribund comedian gets stung on the behind by one of his leftover bees from his botched movie.

P. S. at 6:28 p. m. The "Twitterverse" LOVES it. But hey! HENRY HONEST loved the GAMES! What does HE know? Right, Jeff Zuck? While you're at it Jeff, answer us this -- what's less than zero?

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

A consumer group sued Anthem Blue Cross on Monday, accusing California's largest for-profit health insurer of violating state law by closing certain policies to new members while illegally offering remaining customers alternative plans with fewer benefits at higher rates.

Hey Anthem! You trying to revive health-care "reform"?

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

Four California men were busted Monday for hacking into online ticket sellers like Ticketmaster and grabbing up 1.5 million prime seats for concerts and ball games - shutting out ordinary fans....

The scam worked so well that one of their associates sent an email worrying that "the general public may snap" and suggesting that the scammers commission a poll of ordinary ticket buyers to see "how much more they can handle." [Emphasis added]

Busted? They should be elected to Congress!

Posted 3:37 PM by Gene

For those who now emboldened to think up is forever in television, what has happened to this once great property should concentrate the mind. We will not rehash why Miss America fell to pieces, but at this stage there may be no more pieces to pick up.

P. S. at 6:20 p. m. Hey Frazier? Sam Haskell. Listen you think you could help us rustle up somebody to give us air time? And make sure you let them know interest is strong. Get it? STRONG. How the hell do I know who's interested? Who wants to watch mannequins parade nowadays?

Posted 12:13 PM by Gene

Speaking of jokes, Brandweek tells another of those soothing fairy tales to its readers, oozing how wonderful TV product placements are, and devoting only two negative grafs in the whole story, and the little kiddies can go off to bed and dream of puppy dogs. To be sure they blend well with "reality" shows, which are sixty-minute publicity stunts to begin with; but if so many advertisers are crowding so many product placements on screen, when does it get to the point people don't notice? That this fairy tale's ending is that people aren't complaining suggests the moment has arrived, whatever the assortment of buzzwords and metrics.

Of course this fairy tale has a parallel unhappy ending: advertisers are back to indiscriminately financing junk television.

Posted 11:52 AM by Gene

SUPERADAM's interns ask of some Noo Yawk "comics", “If you were Jay Leno, what would be the one joke that you would tell that could possibly get people to forgive you for what happened?” The results:

• “Ladies and gentlemen, the only reason you see me standing here is I was NBC's Plan B. Plan A involved the corpse of Johnny Carson and a lightning bolt.” —Jay Black

Ba-doom-BOOM!

• “We've decided to start fresh at the Tonight Show, so we've added some new segments: 'In the Year 4000,' 'Jay's Book Club,' and 'Top Eleven Lists.'" —Veronica Mosey

Ba-doom-BOOM!

• "Remember when the Taliban was overthrown, but then they came back into power again? Hi, I'm Jay." —Tom Cotter

Ba-doom-BOOM!

• "Me going back to the Tonight Show is like saying, 'Check the prostate again, Doc, and this time have some fun with it!'" —Chip Hirschfield

Ba-doom-BOOM!

• “The New York Times [SIC] asked people to send in their joke ideas, jokes, or lines that they'd tell, if they were me, that could possibly get people back in my corner. I sent in four pages. It all got rejected.” —Yes, Jackie "the Joke Man" Martling

Ba-doom-BOOM!

Jut-Jaw, your job is safe -- for now.

Posted 7:03 PM by Gene

The Web is alive with the sound of debates over medals counts. Dammit who's going to care about this Wednesday morning, or a year from now, or ever after?

Posted 6:15 PM by Gene

If it's Sunday it must be Big Double-A-Scribble Time:

1. Still more proof Toyota needn't worry about American customers because the brand's not American. Sorry, that's part of the mystique. Just as Americans could never build a good car again, so the Japanese can never build a bad one. But then, as we said before, look what's out on the road.

2. Corporate America's getting something new called "microsponsorships", financing good intentions, and this may have the same old drawbacks:

"You've got to look at yourself and what your brand stands for," said Ian Wolfman, CMO of brand-engagement agency IMC2. And whatever you decide to pursue can't be an isolated campaign. "It's got to tie into a bigger program that attracts people with similar values and those have got to be clearly stated."

Otherwise, said Marc de Swaan Arons, chairman, Effective Brands, "you might as well be throwing money away."

Just like financing junk television!

3. And in the civil war called late-night television, signs of its increasing irrelevance:

If you like broad humor, Mr. Leno may well be your guy. In his last season of "Tonight," he lured an average of 5.1 million viewers, according to Nielsen. Then there's the fascinating case study of Mr. Letterman, a celebrity who has nothing to prove and airs his dirty laundry in public while retaining fans and maintaining an underdog mentality, snatching an average of about 4.2 million viewers season-to-date as of Feb. 14. There's also Jimmy Fallon, the newbie, worth an average of about 1.4 million viewers; Jimmy Kimmel, the frat boy, good for an average of about 1.7 million; and Craig Ferguson, the distinguished monologist, with average viewership around 1.9 million.

But wait, there's more. On cable, Comedy Central satirists Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert nab an average of about 1.4 million and 1.1 million viewers, respectively. Cartoon Network's Adult Swim wins about 1.9 million. Chelsea Handler's female-focused vodka-shot humor nabs an average of 818,000 on Comcast's E!. And TBS rookie George Lopez has won an average following of about 1.2 million for "Lopez Tonight."

How does that all compare with the old days? Even in his last season, Mr. Carson was attracting an average of 6.7 million viewers.

And the irrelevance further increases:

Meantime, late-night has had to accommodate new viewing patterns. Not only do many hosts and assorted sidekicks do live commercials -- a nod to both the genre's earliest days and present economic pressures -- but they've had to nip and tuck their program segments to accommodate more ad time in the earlier part of their shows. Indeed, ABC and CBS have acknowledged that they moved certain ad breaks on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" and "The Late Show With David Letterman" forward so they would air before midnight -- the better to reach the larger portion of the shows' audiences and get better ratings for commercial breaks.

That's because of a late-night fact that hasn't changed: A significant part of the audience is still turning the TV off by midnight. If Johnny Carson couldn't beat the Sandman, the new late night isn't going to do it now.

Who knows? Someday even these hardy folks may tune out at 11:35 -- to avoid the commercials altogether.

Posted 6:02 PM by Gene

Now all Canada can get drunk.

Yes, it's a Canadian sport; but we suspect most of the players on all the national teams work for the NHL -- an American league. It's all one to us; pro sports have the undying spirit of the mercenary whatever the home base.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Shucks, The Dynasty will not continue after all.

Long Live the Kennedys!

Posted 12:49 PM by Gene

The notion of news hacks as vetters assumes they know something. Clearly they didn't vet Sen. Lascivious Overcomb all that well -- but they DID vet His Omnipotence! They vetted him as the god FDR JFK Lincoln! A lot of good that did.

Posted 12:28 PM by Gene

Head-Scratchin' Jonny says all these genius-IQ talkathons will make our leaders "smarter". Okay Jonny, then how do so many of the genius-IQ types still manage to act like dummies?

Posted 12:23 PM by Gene

Sorry, no city ever shrank to prosperity.

Posted 10:33 AM by Gene

And already some hacks scribblers and otherwise are yelling for Denver in 2022.

Staging the Games in Colorado is again destined to be so expensive that screams of protest from fiscally responsible opponents would have to be quelled.

I like that passive construction: let's get out the goon squads and kill all the fiscally responsible opponents! These guys still don't know why half of them have lost their jobs, and why Denver is a one-newspaper town.

Lake Tahoe...Quebec...Spain...the woods are crawling with morons!

Posted 10:27 AM by Gene

We must further grit our teeth and realize THE GAMES are essentially a biennial government stimulus program. Let's forget this private-investment bullhockey; the GAMES are government-organized, government-financed programs whose sole purpose is to shake taxpayers upside-down. If governments want to do this in the name of some flaky notion of international brotherhood, fine. But they should never tell the victims they intend to earn the money back.

Posted 9:54 AM by Gene

Each quadrennial, the athletes deliver competitive masterpieces, spectacles so dazzling that we forget the problems that went into making them.

I have discovered why THE GAMES inspire so much buncombe from the typists: they can be CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED. Perhaps if you are rich or have the connections or are a scribbler, and can get around with relative ease, they are a transcendent experience. But most of us only know the masterpieces through GE BANCORP and its SPONSORS, who take pride in giving us the back of their hands. We peons only want a distraction. We do not want the rapture. But thanks to the hacks with their nonstop overwhelming biennial distraction the LORDS OF LAUSANNE create the sight of thousands piously ascending to their heaven, only for the whole heaven to come plummeting to earth when those who stage THE GAMES cannot pay off their debts. Happily the hacks seldom show us that outcome. The London festival is thirty months out and already it's a disaster zone.

And the irony is this typist is blasting the LORDS for shirking their duties. But we have that every two years as well, and that wan noise is drowned out by all the CRITICAL ACCLAIM.

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Another Buffett-ism from Berkshire Hathaway's (BRK.A) annual report: "When it’s raining gold, reach for a bucket, not a thimble."

Okay, Your Holiness, how did You get lucky enough to always be standing under clouds?