THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, September 27, 2008
ASIFA, the animation site, has done the impossible: it's made The Flintstones amusing. To do this it's only had to cut out all the dialogue and edit down to 30-second videos highlighting the work of the show's animators, and the defects of all the money saving are still there, but thanks to the judicious snipping (and lots of slapstick) I finally did what I never did before watching the Modern Stone-Age Family -- I laughed.
The U.S. and Russia reached a compromise Friday to lead a new effort to condemn Iran's nuclear program, without introducing any new sanctions.
TRANSLATION: They don't even need wet noodles anymore!
TRANSLATION: They don't even need wet noodles anymore!
I took a million notes during the debate....
And, if I were a man, I'd have chucked 999,999 of them out the window.
And, if I were a man, I'd have chucked 999,999 of them out the window.
While being bored last night we realized why these joint press conferences are useless: they're so well rehearsed, their participants turned into such fighting statistics-spouting thrusting-and-parrying machines and trained to avoid THE GAFFE at all cost, that at the end we're even less sure what they're like as human beings, and as human beings they must govern. But this we will have when news hacks run our elections.
A great face has died. That is all one can say, and all that needs be said. You needn't even know the man's name to know it. That we do not have great faces anymore is why movies are better than ever. These great faces will be remembered when today's whatisits are forgotten, and beyond. Indeed, not to put too strong an emphasis on it, American movies taught painting and sculpture a thing or two about good looks, and they did them one better with movement and sound. The greatest faces were so blessed of their looks they didn't really have to know how to act, but most of them did, and quite well. That's why the best movies should be remembered, and the best faces too. But still, movies are better than ever.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A draw. The Lord was slightly better on the economy; Boobs was slightly better on foreign affairs and the military. The Lord sounded occasionally condescending; Boobs sounded occasionally weary.
Now for news hacks, pundits and other bloviators to make a winner where one may not exist.
And when Jim finally said goodnight, let me tell you, I was bored.
Now for news hacks, pundits and other bloviators to make a winner where one may not exist.
And when Jim finally said goodnight, let me tell you, I was bored.
You wonder when Pat Oliphant becomes like Paul Conrad -- angry ALL the time.
Of course being a newspaper cartoonist generally and an EDITORIAL cartoonist in particular he's already, shall we say, antediluvian?
(Via the usual Romy)
In the History of The Corner [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
there has never been a time folks have been this nervous about opening bell.
09/26 09:09 AM
In the History of The Corner there has never been a time folks have so exulted in their ignorance.
there has never been a time folks have been this nervous about opening bell.
09/26 09:09 AM
In the History of The Corner there has never been a time folks have so exulted in their ignorance.
Mogul's Friend is oblivious again -- now he says fillum cri-TICS should write on...POLITICS.
What about THUMBS®, Mog?
(Via the usual Romy)
What about THUMBS®, Mog?
(Via the usual Romy)
BULLETIN BUSH TO ADDRESS NATION ON RESCUE PLAN AT 9:35 EASTERN [From SLIME's Cheapie Marketwatch]
Can he get on one knee too?
Can he get on one knee too?
Well -- we're a little relieved: Mr. MorganChase has enough money to sponsor SHREK THE THEME PARK!
What credit crisis?
What credit crisis?
Count on Forbeslist.com to deliver us another dense maxim:
Leadership is action, not position.
Donald H. McGannon
The past few weeks have proved that very wrong. Leadership is position -- the prone position.
Leadership is action, not position.
Donald H. McGannon
The past few weeks have proved that very wrong. Leadership is position -- the prone position.
Which reminds us, if ever the time was ripe for a third-party it's now. Problem is, there's no way to organize short-term anger unless you're an anarchist, and the third party has always been a haven for cranks; and there is no preventing a third party from corrupting itself as the Corrupt Old Two have. Happily we will probably not regain much esteem for our governing superiors for a long, long time. We can thank the thoroughgoingly bipartisan efforts of Dubya and Speaker Babs and Whiny Reid for that.
I have lost a good bit of whatever respect I had for Boobs McKeating. It appears he intends to govern using the AHA! approach, as in "AHA!! Didn't think I could do that!" Problem is the AHA! approach could easily turn into the GOTCHA! approach, and we all know who gets the business end of that instrument.
So we are resigned to The Lord -- and what makes us cringe is that, at least initially, He won't run the government, it will be the moldy Congressional leadership, whose average age approaches 90, and whose philosophy of governing approaches Alzheimer's.
So we are resigned to The Lord -- and what makes us cringe is that, at least initially, He won't run the government, it will be the moldy Congressional leadership, whose average age approaches 90, and whose philosophy of governing approaches Alzheimer's.
We would further note the Republican obsession with business bigness helped create this mess. The GOP imbeciles bequeathed us big banking, and big investing, and big broadcasting, and big pharma, and ever bigger companies of every stripe, assiduously ignoring the old saying, "The bigger they are..." Fortunately when they fall they only fall on us.
By the way, since he's always giving credit where credit is due...PILLHEAD DID IT!
By the way, since he's always giving credit where credit is due...PILLHEAD DID IT!
If the Credit Immobilier disaster has had any salutary effect it's that it's reinforced our hatred of the Wall Street-Beltway axis, which has returned the favor by being more self-centered and fraudulent than ever. That small banks in the hinterlands seem to be doing quite well points to the effectiveness of distance. The hinterlands will do fine. Of course our superiors can overcome distance to ruin us all, but it is more difficult against a vigilant and sensible public.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
JPOD imitates THE THIRD ACT at the MET:
Jen, the situation is actually kind of basic. If a deal isn’t reached by Sunday night, and a bill isn’t signed into law by Sunday night, it is likely we will wake up Monday morning to a market meltdown overseas of a sort THE WORLD HAS NEVERRRRRRRRRRR KNOWN, — and then we will just wait, mute, until the American markets open. Monday will be an interesting test case: We will see just how much poorer the investing class can get in just one day. And then, a second day. And then, a week. AS THE WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLWIND BEGINS ITS REAPINNNNNNNNNNG. (JPOD then stabs himself as the curtain falls.) (Operatic overemphasis added)
We profess to being very worried ourselves, but let us wait until Monday; it may be possible to talk us into deep doo-doo. JPOD is clearly up to it. And let us hold our ears to him, as we frequently should, and as we already hold our nose.
And AMITY professes to UNDERSTAND what is going on, but then we didn't need further proof of her fatuousness -- especially as she never met a BAD CEO she didn't like.
Jen, the situation is actually kind of basic. If a deal isn’t reached by Sunday night, and a bill isn’t signed into law by Sunday night, it is likely we will wake up Monday morning to a market meltdown overseas of a sort THE WORLD HAS NEVERRRRRRRRRRR KNOWN, — and then we will just wait, mute, until the American markets open. Monday will be an interesting test case: We will see just how much poorer the investing class can get in just one day. And then, a second day. And then, a week. AS THE WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLWIND BEGINS ITS REAPINNNNNNNNNNG. (JPOD then stabs himself as the curtain falls.) (Operatic overemphasis added)
We profess to being very worried ourselves, but let us wait until Monday; it may be possible to talk us into deep doo-doo. JPOD is clearly up to it. And let us hold our ears to him, as we frequently should, and as we already hold our nose.
And AMITY professes to UNDERSTAND what is going on, but then we didn't need further proof of her fatuousness -- especially as she never met a BAD CEO she didn't like.
The economy doesn't need to be led from Washington. It needs to be led from Wall Street and Silicon Valley and from garages and corporate headquarters and farms and stores and laboratories and factories all over America.
Who's been leading it the last twentysome-odd years?
Who's been leading it the last twentysome-odd years?
A tax on securities transactions. GEKKO KUDLOW will LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHVE that. Also sounds as if there's less reform than meets the jaundiced eye.
Barney stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said -- "This will rank me up there with Lincoln!"
Barney stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said -- "This will rank me up there with Lincoln!"
And let us guess whose grimy, smelly, greed-infested paws will be all over THIS piece of...legislation.
And the worst part is regal DIMWITS like "Sandy" Dodd are doing their Jack Horner routine for having SAVED AMERICA. Guys, go to your corner -- and STAY there.
And the worst part is regal DIMWITS like "Sandy" Dodd are doing their Jack Horner routine for having SAVED AMERICA. Guys, go to your corner -- and STAY there.
Indeed ASSPress seems to be on a PR spree today, perhaps figuring people don't want to read about how the government intends to shaft them. But does that really justify insulting our intelligence?
Oh, and so you don't forget:
FREECREDITREPORT.COM!!!!!!!!!!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO DERRIK!
Oh, and so you don't forget:
FREECREDITREPORT.COM!!!!!!!!!!
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO DERRIK!
THIS IS THE MOST CREATIVE SLATE IN OUR HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some things seem to exist only as excuses so ASSPress hacks like Ryan can write press releases. I count no fewer than five sequels or remakes in the most creative slate in ESPNCORP's history, but neither Ryan nor the peripatetic Mr. Dis -- COOK would ever know better, thinking making a movie with a brand name is genius.
Some things seem to exist only as excuses so ASSPress hacks like Ryan can write press releases. I count no fewer than five sequels or remakes in the most creative slate in ESPNCORP's history, but neither Ryan nor the peripatetic Mr. Dis -- COOK would ever know better, thinking making a movie with a brand name is genius.
CLOWNS are paying on the installment plan, perhaps a cross-your-fingers ploy that the zillionaires will require only one tranch of bribery.
Who knows what to think about this? Wall Street's crooks are holding a gun of depression to our heads, threatening to shut down the economy. If we don't act we might get depression; if we do act we burn our money. Maybe we can earn it all back, with a small profit; then again, maybe we can't. What a revoltin' development.
And the IMBECILES with the depression weapon may not be too enthralled; the Dow isn't up quite so much as it was. Who'll bet it can close lower?
Who knows what to think about this? Wall Street's crooks are holding a gun of depression to our heads, threatening to shut down the economy. If we don't act we might get depression; if we do act we burn our money. Maybe we can earn it all back, with a small profit; then again, maybe we can't. What a revoltin' development.
And the IMBECILES with the depression weapon may not be too enthralled; the Dow isn't up quite so much as it was. Who'll bet it can close lower?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Why do I have this horrible feeling more people are watching network TV than last year -- and that the niche-creating DVRs are behind it?
Speaking of, it would appear that for the first time in years the folks at Yum! Brands are tuning in -- or more likely paying a consulting firm to do so.
And in other TEEVEE news -- that is, about its clone industry, and its formerly very-highly-rated spectacle which now resembles the rearranging of deck chairs on the best-pic-TYURE Os-CAR® winner of 1997:
"We respect the tradition of the Oscars, and we're happy to uphold those traditions. But it might be a kick to pay attention to the format and vary it -- to do both. The show should be classy and fun."
Let's see you bring some fun into the best-pic-TYURE nominees.
Speaking of, it would appear that for the first time in years the folks at Yum! Brands are tuning in -- or more likely paying a consulting firm to do so.
And in other TEEVEE news -- that is, about its clone industry, and its formerly very-highly-rated spectacle which now resembles the rearranging of deck chairs on the best-pic-TYURE Os-CAR® winner of 1997:
"We respect the tradition of the Oscars, and we're happy to uphold those traditions. But it might be a kick to pay attention to the format and vary it -- to do both. The show should be classy and fun."
Let's see you bring some fun into the best-pic-TYURE nominees.
Newly released court documents show suspected anthrax attacker Bruce Ivins e-mailed himself last year saying he knew who the killer was.
As the saying goes, it takes one to know one.
As the saying goes, it takes one to know one.
I wonder what prompted Boobs into his incredible feat of strength. Was it nervous advisers suggesting his polls were collapsing as (it is alleged) the economy? Or did Boobs just want to do the "right thing", that instinct to be loved that prompted him to be a regular on Drunken Slob? Whatever, we have had enough uncontrolled spasms for "leadership". We don't want a bunch of superior clowns mashing together a bill like three families combing yesterday's leftovers. We know when we get "leadership" we get preening, and worse, we get pieces of -- legislation. Yet our superiors must help, as the Skid Row wino must drink, because they must know better. It's this kind of mental haze production that caused me to stop posting these last few days (along with the usual three hits). Why continue to torture yourself spitting into a hurricane's gale?
Cerberus talking with Daimler to buy 19.9% Chrysler stake
I guess they don't want anyone to share in its destruction.
I guess they don't want anyone to share in its destruction.
BULLETIN BUSH TO ADDRESS NATION ON FINANCIAL CRISIS AT 9 P.M. EASTERN
Yeppir, I guess our economy isn't beating the pants off the Chinese -- but that's what the Treasury's for.
Yeppir, I guess our economy isn't beating the pants off the Chinese -- but that's what the Treasury's for.
Can somebody tell me why we should pay untold tax zillions to investment bankers in honor of their mistakes? And just because St. Warren piously opines it's a good idea does that make it so?
KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!
The liberal intelliGHENTsia as usual.
By the way, where was THE GREATEST SATIRICAL NOVELIST OF ALL TIME? Busy collecting dust-jacket blurbs?
(Also via ArtsJournal)
One of the ever declining breed of classical-music writers is trying to create a controversy by saying James Levine, the Boston Symphony's music director, is playing it too safe. We must say it again, in a different way: Who does not want new works in the concert repertoire? And who can listen to them?
(Via the usual ArtsJournal)
(Via the usual ArtsJournal)
You look at these pictures and you think, is it any wonder our superiors couldn't lead us out of a thimble?
By the way Mess, when was the last time anyone referred to Democrats as "Democratics"? Is that a new soul group?
Our favorite PR guy Rog reports the "legendary" Quincy Jones is going to "beg" The Lord for a "Secretary of the Arts"!
If The Messiah agrees to such blatherskite (and we think He doesn't have it in Him not to) one term should be enough -- except we seem incapable of electing one-term presidents.
If The Messiah agrees to such blatherskite (and we think He doesn't have it in Him not to) one term should be enough -- except we seem incapable of electing one-term presidents.
Dimitris Loukakis, 44, said he was so concerned about changing eating habits that he had bought a farm to grow traditional crops himself. Sitting at an outdoor cafe by the beach, he and his wife drank iced coffee while their chunky 9-year-old daughter, Maria, nibbled on spinach pie and glumly drank water.
“I’m on a diet; I have to eat less,” Maria piped up, noting that the local school had recently started to teach students about nutrition.
“Some diet,” interjected her father. “We’re trying to keep her off sugar now. If we continue like this, we’re going to become like Americans, and no one wants that.”
Con-SER-va-tives will use something like this as Exhibit A in their campaign against The Paper of Re-CORD, but isn't the world altogether too quickly becoming one world in the worst sense?
“I’m on a diet; I have to eat less,” Maria piped up, noting that the local school had recently started to teach students about nutrition.
“Some diet,” interjected her father. “We’re trying to keep her off sugar now. If we continue like this, we’re going to become like Americans, and no one wants that.”
Con-SER-va-tives will use something like this as Exhibit A in their campaign against The Paper of Re-CORD, but isn't the world altogether too quickly becoming one world in the worst sense?
TRANSLATION : Bugmeister's software's become so bloated and buggy the hardware makers are writing their own.
Sure we should go into debt to buy our stock, Bugs?
Sure we should go into debt to buy our stock, Bugs?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
US intelligence preparing grim assessment on Afghanistan's political situation, officials say
And all I had to do was change one word in this hed from LAST YEAR!
And all I had to do was change one word in this hed from LAST YEAR!
Monday, September 22, 2008
TRANSLATION: Even the people who hand out awards may not feel comfortable with a steady diet of mere CRITICAL ACCLAIM.
P. S. Surprise: For all the excellence the show stank.
P. S. Surprise: For all the excellence the show stank.
AP NEWSALERT!
WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush says world is watching how United States handles financial crisis . [SIC]
And very closely, we hope.
WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush says world is watching how United States handles financial crisis . [SIC]
And very closely, we hope.