Posted 9:22 PM by Gene

Belly Kisser's selling nuclear fuel to Iran.

We're surprised after Russia spread all that polonium?

Posted 9:19 PM by Gene

I want a K or a big P!

How about a huge R -- RESIGNATION?

Posted 7:55 PM by Gene

Having today heard several $MA$ songs against my will I reprise a complaint I last posted two years ago:

WHY ARE POP CHRISTMAS SONGS INTOLERABLE?

The standard explanations won't do -- that the Christmas season's one long shopping spree, and the platitudes of the songs are the platitudes of corrupt businessmen; that they're overexposed and inescapable, especially now with FOREGROUND MUZAK. Certainly the notion of America enveloped in DOOM and GLOOM and ENNUI won't do; Tom Lehrer and Stan Freberg wrote their very sour takes on Christmas in the late fifties, before our favorite assassination. No, the best explanation is that the songs are FLAT-OUT BAD. Christ was born to provide fodder for Lawrence Welk. Consider that none of the truly top Broadway songwriters ever wrote a hit Christmas tune -- save Irving Berlin; the holiday perfectly fit a lyrical style that at its worst echoes a rhyming dictionary ("Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/Stand beside her,/And guide her," etc., etc., etc.). The songs also brought out the most crass in the record industry as it entered its fat years in the fifties, a time when Mitch Miller thought it cute to have Ol' Blue sing a duet with a dog. You can't think of Meredith Willson's utterly corny "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" without the cute pizzicato strings and the cute flutes and the cute xylophone and Johnny Mathis with a two-second reverb and a clothespin on his larynx. (When Willson wrote his Christmas musical Here's Love twelve years later his depleted inspiration made him re-use it, proof that the holiday does not bring out the best in musicians.) Even the very few good Christmas tunes suffer from guilt by association. Arthur Fiedler turned Leroy Anderson's "Sleigh Ride" into an exciting, bracing mini-tone poem, but everywhere else Mitchell Parish's lyrics kick in, with their fakery of farmers and pumpkin pie and Currier and Ives, and it's back to the land of hack arrangements by Ralph Carmichael and the ooohing and aaahing of the angelic chorus. "The Christmas Song" (not great, but pretty good) marks the beginning of Nat "King" Cole's transformation from a jazzman of the first rank to an automatic molasses dispenser. Elvis, who frequently performed bad songs at half-mast, was the perfect pop Christmas singer, oozing the drivel out like a particularly unctuous undertaker soothing a dead body's relative, or a relative's dead body. And let us not forget the KIDDIE TUNES written for television though it didn't yet exist, sound-alike songs like "Frosty the Snowman" (you can hear the songwriters cutting a deal on the tune) and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," whose title character originated at a now-defunct department-store chain (Montgomery Ward). One of the great mysteries of popular music is how Haven Gillespie and J. Fred Coots survived a piece of junk like "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to write the immortal "You Go To My Head"; by rights their next tune should have been written by Bob Merrill. (Look up the tune in ASCAP's ACE directory and you find a veritable army of the tiresome acts that buried it: the Ames Brothers, Brenda Lee, Ray Conniff, Liberace, Guy Lombardo, the Mills Brothers -- and yes, I include Bruce.) While it is true that familiarity breeds contempt, the contempt starts early when those familiar notes in your brain are so contemptible.

P. S. There are exceptions: something like "The Chipmunks' Christmas Song" is cheesy, but nostalgic fun. And I have a weakness for Sing Along's seminal renditions (can I type for Stale.com or what?) as The Gang knew perfectly just how corny it was, and didn't try to escape it. But when ACTS must add MELISMAS to the "traditional" songs they ensure they're unlistenable too.

Posted 7:33 PM by Gene

The New Abe Lincoln forces Senator Bayh to quit the race!

Perhaps Barack leads a more charmed life than we think.

(Via NYTimes.com)

Posted 1:01 PM by Gene

Skinny models and actresses are an "issue."

The fact that most of them aren't so hot looking whatever their weight is MY issue.

Posted 12:53 PM by Gene

THE "PROGRESSIVE" POLYESTER 'DO FOR PREZ!!!!!

Maybe we should run more stories about men who take up handicapped-parking spots.

Posted 12:29 PM by Gene

Hey ASSPress, was it REALLY necessary for the whole world to know of the man who took up a handicapped-parking spot?

Posted 12:21 PM by Gene

WwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwELL! Know how we always complain about the KING of BLURBS, PAUL DRECK? We didn't know he quit Exhibitor Relations -- and his old employer got a restraining order against him!

I guess we'll have to come up with a new blurbmeister -- and a new nickname!

Unless of course our favorite blurbmeister's preserved his millions of contacts!

Then again we'd like to get a restraining order on all the hacks who quote him -- but that would require thousands of straitjackets.

P. S. on December 17 at 12:55 p.m. Exhibitor Relations is suing Paul Dreck for "misappropriating data", marching off with its customer list and "sabotaging...computer systems". In a word, you can't trust box-office numbers, and Paul Dreck is one of the worst for blowing his own horn.

Posted 10:34 AM by Gene

We cannot tell how much of this is JIMMAH II preening, or how much of this is our "allies" winking and nodding, or how much of this is the ASSPress campaigning for the release of its POLITICAL PRISONER, but we feel certain JIMMAH II doesn't have the foggiest idea how many of the Gitmo gang are terrorists, or how many remain under lock and key, and he may not want to know.

Posted 10:15 AM by Gene

A TRUMP beauty pageant winner's "DISGRACE" merits EIGHTEEN sentences in the SLIME bog; His whiz' firing merits TWO.

Nice to know, even when they're fired, You're still looking after Your own, SLIME.

Posted 10:13 AM by Gene

No one keeps annual statistics on arrests of professional athletes, so there's no way to determine whether there has been an increase for NFL players. And some of the criminal charges have already been dropped while guilt in other cases has yet to be determined. Nonetheless, some league officials are concerned that the repeated reports of player arrests could alienate fans and drive away sponsors of what has become by far the nation's most popular and prosperous sports attraction. [Emphasis added]

A few fans may go, but nothing, NOTHING, will keep the CEOs from their luxury boxes.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

Oops! The enabler of O. J.'s "confession" got SLIMED!

Why didn't You SLIME YOURSELF, SLIME?

Posted 7:46 PM by Gene

The ERIC SEVAREID OF COMEDY on the COMMENTARY he didn't air:

"The president is always giving out medals to other people," Colbert explained. So he planned to joke at the D.C. event, " 'Nobody ever gives him awards, and that is wrong. So tonight,' and we had this printed up, 'I am here to present to the president the highest award that Stephen Colbert can present to the president . . . It's called a Certificate of Presidency.' It was a little sheet of paper that said, 'I, Stephen Colbert, hereby recognize George W. Bush is president of the United States.' " Reflected Colbert, "At that point in the speech, 'cause it was right about the middle, I looked over and I went, I'm not going to do that." Where is the "certificate" now? Colbert keeps it framed on his wall as a personal "woulda, shoulda, coulda" memento.

We wish you had too.

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

Warner Bros. Entertainment has agreed to buy a minority share of SCi Entertainment Group, and to license Warner cartoon and comic book characters to the video game maker and distributor.

A...TA...RI?

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

We wonder how much the cretins at America's Reverse Robin Hoods hug themselves over spending money on episodes of TV series that will never air.

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Undoubtedly, Friedman’s decision to interact with officials of repressive governments creates uncomfortable tensions for his libertarian admirers; I could, and often do, wish he hadn’t done it. But given what it probably meant for economic wealth and liberty in the long term for the people of Chile, that’s a selfish reaction.

That's okay -- you're a GLIBERTARIAN!

(Via AmSpec)

P. S. The following (and last) two sentences:

Pinochet’s economic policies do not ameliorate his crimes, despite what his right-wing admirers say. But Friedman, as an economic advisor to all who’d listen, neither committed his crimes, nor admired the criminal.

It is a small measure of progress when GLIBERTARIANS can admit HISTORY'S GREATEST GENERAL MAY have been a CRIMINAL.

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

Gordon Brown this evening issued a dramatic statement in a clear attempt to try to distance himself from the cash for honours affair which has engulfed the Labour Party and resulted in Tony Blair this week becoming the first serving Prime Minister to be interviewed in a police corruption investigation.

You don't suppose THE WORLD'S OLDEST ADOLESCENT may have to relinquish his perks a bit -- early?

Better: he stopped a corruption probe involving the Saudis.

If this were AMERICA....

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

The FIASCO Florida made of a lethal injection is argument enough that the death penalty should be limited, and that within its limits, it must be swift and painless.

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

U.S. Military Deaths in Iraq at 2,942

Starting early, ASSPress? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

SMUG:

...“Ninety-six percent of our clothing is imported. This nation cannot even clothe itself.” But if we literally couldn’t clothe ourselves, we’d be naked. Dobbs’s line is like saying we can’t feed ourselves because we buy groceries from supermarkets. Textiles inherently are not an advanced, high-paid industry, and it is no wonder that an economic superpower doesn’t do a lot of textile production. Would Dobbs prefer that more of us were hunched over sewing machines rather than employed in industries like software development, financial services, law, accounting, biotech, and pharmaceuticals?

Lou was a fraud as a corporate sycophant; he's a fraud as a populist. He's a fraud PERIOD. But at one time we could be good at textiles and high-tech. How much of our economy depends on GUVMENT? How much of it depends upon what are glibly called "services"? How much of the services (EHDYUKAYSHUN, medicine) get their wherewithal from GUVMENT? How much of our computers have parts from overseas? How much of "financial services" are predicated upon merging and merging and putting people out of work -- and old fashioned law-breaking? Accounting? ANDERSEN! LAW? I thought you con-SER-va-tives were fond of saying what a DRAIN it is on our economy! How much of "software development" has headed overseas? How much of big pharma and biotech is speculation, or chasing rainbows? You needn't be a FRAUD like Lou to sense something's amiss -- and the answer isn't more $500 million CEOs, or outsourcing.

Posted 3:32 PM by Gene

FURTHER IDIOCY ON THE BOOB DISPLAY:

Procter & Gamble Co. won't rely on cuts in marketing spending to reach its aggressive margin-expansion targets over the balance of the decade, despite having cut reported ad spending as a share of sales the past two fiscal years, executives told a meeting of analysts today.

At the same time, however, the company went to lengths to point out that restraining ad spending doesn't necessarily have to hurt brands. Case in point, according to Chief Financial Officer Clayton Daley: P&G's North American fabric-care business, which cut ad spending as a share of sales by 2% over the five fiscal years ended June 30 but increased sales $900 million, boosting market share 3.5 points and building scores for brand equity on flagship Tide to record levels. [EMPHASIS ADDED]

So why do you dump so much of OUR money down the electronic toilet?

Posted 12:21 PM by Gene

What happened to the really big shows?

They turned into CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED really little shows.

And of course Brainy Robert has lots of BRILLIANT suggestions for making shows big again, such as:

4: Music from professionals

...Ed Sullivan offered The Beatles for the kids, Judy Garland for their parents and opera for their grandparents. To get to one, you had to sit through the other. It broadened the younger generation's musical tastes, and it gave the older generation some clue as to what their kids were listening to up in their rooms.

Just one problem, Bob: We don't have the Beatles, or Judy Garland, and we definitely don't have ED SULLIVAN; and if someone suggested to SLIME or SUMNER or UB IGER they put FIVE SECONDS of OPERA on they'd jump out a window.

AND:

7: Class

Yes, I know: Vulgarity has always been TV's stock in trade. But really, must the America that TV projects into our homes and around the world so often be stupid, whiny, greedy, crass and cruel? Is that all we are? Is that all we want to be?

Showing us a better version of us might not be the most fun gift television can give.

But it could be the best.

CLASS? I thought EINSTEIN was class! I thought all those iterations of 24 were class! I thought being EDGY was class! The moment you typists saw a CLASSY show you'd say it wasn't EDGY enough. You're a big reason the networks are big on EDGY -- and small on their viewers.

This is more of the well-meaning buncombe that justifies the endless obsessive raves. A SPECIAL NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to BOB.

Posted 12:15 PM by Gene

Well look who's doing a little dead-of-night legislating!

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

Granola sighs:

[Casablanca] feels as if it was made for the satisfaction of the audience while [THE NEW, IMPROVED CASABLANCA II] feels as if it was made for that of the director alone....In a recent interview Mr. Soderbergh said that he would have been happy with a career like that of Michael Curtiz, a workhorse who spent decades churning out entertainments like “Casablanca” for Warner Brothers. The idea that the extremely self-motivated Mr. Soderbergh might be satisfied with a career like Curtiz’s is rich nonsense. Curtiz had next to no say on the personnel who worked on “Casablanca.” By contrast, for [THE NEW, IMPROVED CASABLANCA II] Mr. Soderbergh persuaded the same studio, now owned by a media conglomerate for which movies represent only a thin slice of the pie chart, to cough up millions for what is essentially a pet art project. [Emphasis added]

Rich nonsense indeed, made richer by KING RICHARD. PLUS IT HAS A PC ENDING, as we'd have guessed.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

And on Philips Phree Phriday:

Dubner finds it "strange" the way WSJ lists Carter's book Freakonomics
The Wall Street Journal's best-sellers list has Jimmy Carter's book titled "Palestine," not "Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid." Stephen J. Dubner writes: "I wondered if perhaps an editorial view had indeed seeped into the makings of the book list." Anyone from WSJ care to respond?

WHICH WSJ?!?!?

P. S. on 12/17 at 7:10 p.m.: I just read the blog entry (figuring someone who wrote Freakonomics wasn't worth skimming) and I see why ROMY linked to it: this typist figures the CONSERVATIVE EDITION may have done it because it was offended by the use of the word "apartheid." Possibly; but couldn't the LIBERAL EDITION have done it to polish the shoes of HISTORY'S GREATEST EX-PRESIDENT?

WHICH WSJ?!?!?

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

Why are football factories among the most PC of skools? And why are the most PC of skools football factories?

(Via -- oh well -- NRO Online's Phi Beta Cons)

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

Sen. HEIN-TZZZ says, "Please George, talk to Syria! Talk to Iran! Talk to Syria AND Iran!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!"

Posted 9:13 AM by Gene

I'M NOT GONNA DEBATE MY BOOK WITH NO JEW! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

What's the difference between JIMMAH and MEL? MEL made a movie about Jesus. JIMMAH IS Jesus.

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

IDIOTS: SUMNER'S NETWORK is getting "back" into the MUSIC BIZ!

Wouldn't it be cheaper to buy ROOTKIT MUSIC CO.? At least then you'd have a catalog.

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

Great news for the HIP, HOT TOURIST MECCA on the DELAWARE:

Phila. has company in rising homicides
But the city is deadliest among the U.S. top 10 in killings per capita.

Posted 6:31 AM by Gene

Are superliberals about to know the same depthless melancholy their superconservative brethren just did?

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

And Singin' in the Rain might be a little less than vaunted:

“Dreamgirls” is a souped-up, collectors’-edition replica of a model that Detroit — I mean Hollywood — used to turn out with ease and regularity. At the moment, and maybe only for a moment, stage musicals seem to be in reasonably good health, with solid revivals and lively new shows filling Broadway theaters. At the multiplexes, however, it’s a grimmer story.

C'mon, A. O., Hollywood doesn't mass-produce clunkers -- does it?

Posted 6:22 AM by Gene

Carl Hiaasen's brilliant discovery has laid a dragon egg.

Posted 6:20 AM by Gene

Wow! Dave's going to have to dispose of some more of his art if he's to buy LALA!

Is staring at yourself in the front page every day really worth it?

Posted 6:01 PM by Gene

People speak of the "brutalist school" in architecture. Why won't the term pop up in other art forms equally brutalized?

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Terry Teachout ponders the rotting carcass of the classical-record biz:

The New York Times led off its annual list of notable classical recordings of the year with this determinedly optimistic passage:

The year brought more talk of doom and gloom for the classical recording industry, or at least its CD wing. Yet recordings continue to stream out from new sources as well as from major labels in retrenchment or recovery. And many of them are truly excellent.

That is not what I call encouraging, and neither is the list. Except for the reissues—which include such familiar, regularly recycled fare as Wanda Landowska’s Bach recordings—I haven't heard anything on it. What’s more, only one of the new recordings, a soon-to-be-released live performance by the late, lamented Lorraine Hunt Lieberson of her husband Peter’s Neruda Songs, piqued my interest in the slightest. A Beethoven symphony cycle by Bernard Haitink? An original-instrument Eine kleine Nachtmusik? Krystian Zimerman’s second recording of the Brahms D Minor Concerto? Still more John Adams and Philip Glass?

As this time of year we encounter a profusion of top-ten cultural lists -- a guaranteed way news hacks can avoid having to think -- couldn't the same be said of the film biz, where the ad-blurbists post copious examples of the superb arthouse flicks hardly anyone outside the Manhattan circuit bothers to see? Or the pop-sound trade, one DOA act after another that cannot be brought to life with words like genius? Or the reverse snobbery of the TV lists, full of their high-toned Perils of Pauline? No, it's not just the classical-record biz that's in a funk.

Posted 3:37 PM by Gene

THE WORLD'S OLDEST ADOLESCENT had a TALK with THE POLICE!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh da DUT! DUT!

Posted 3:35 PM by Gene

STALE.COM ALSO has a NEW TV AD-BLURBIST!

Posted 3:10 PM by Gene

Hail! All hail the new chief fidgeter and appeaser of the League of Nations!

He took an "oath." We can imagine:

I solemnly -- er pretentiously -- swear, promise, hope, something or other, to bring peace to the world, but not if it hurts somebody's feelings, the U. S. and Israel excepted, as they are the evilest inventions of, whatever force it was that started the universe; and I promise or whatever never to complain or even say anything when a dictatorship abuses its citizens' human rights, the U. S. and Israel excepted; nor shall I help any persons in need after any natural disaster, except to donate as many words out of my mouth as possible; and I promise to get this righteous organization all that's coming to it, especially from the U. S., and to always turn the other cheek at what some might call corruption, but which is merely this noble organization doing its proper business.

So help me -- er, help me. A -- womyn? A -- something or other.

Posted 11:50 AM by Gene

Another surprise:

An illegal immigration link to identity theft

Who'da thought?

Posted 11:23 AM by Gene

Once again, news hacks have to choose. Will it be jobs, or electing a senator? The WaPost was very successful electing a senator. Unfortunately electing senators may mean unelecting a few of your readers. But a lot of news hacks think they can elect senators and keep their readers. That this is not happening may mean news hacks are in even more of a fantasyland than we think.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 11:03 AM by Gene

Smiles in government, smiles in the head-shrinker profession, smiles in universities and hospitals and clinics, smiles for consultants and "ethicists": excessive Internet use is about to be called an ADDICTION.

We've no doubt the Web can be addictive; but we've no doubt this might be just another concerted ploy to medicalize bad behavior for big bucks. There's an addiction.

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

Say it isn't so! eBay -- a fence for stolen goods?

I would never have known.

Posted 9:23 AM by Gene

GEORGE F. "MY BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS" WILL: KINGMAKER!

In the kingdom of Lilliput.

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

STALE.COM has A NEW MOVIE AD-BLURBIST!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

Six of one: a TNR writer accuses Michael Crichton of being a Bush bootlicker. Half-a-dozen of the other: Crichton strikes back by portraying the writer as a child rapist in his latest "novel."

Why can't kids play in the sandbox? And why must they mistake it for a litter tray?

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

DAVE GEFFEN WANTS TO SHRED HIS JACKSON POLLOCKS ON THE LALA!!!!!

And here's the beauty part: if LALA is liberal now, under Dave it will be SUPERliberal, meaning he'll brush off more subscribers, meaning he'll have fewer readers for the advertisers, meaning....

Sure you wouldn't want to turn to painting, Dave?

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

This somehow seems vaguely appropriate:

GM Marketing Exec Joins Pizza Hut

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

So, Dems -- do you plan to appropriate the war out of business?

Posted 6:39 AM by Gene

The real-estate, travel and show-biz-plug sections have engaged in an unlovely menage-a-trois to give birth to a new unwelcome off-spring: the hot-club story. It combines the worst of the real-estate pages (rah-rah boosterism) with the worst of the travel pages (viewing the world through unremovable pink glasses) with the worst of the show-biz-plug pages (THE EINSTEINIAN GENIUS OF MODERN POP!!!!!) to produce a kind of please-pretty-please hope -- and these aren't the clubs on 52nd Street, or the old Copacabana; they play junk and house junk. When I read the word hot, I usually burn.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Those who smugly pontificate about the virtues of divided government may want to consider the mess the Senate could be in the next two years.

Posted 8:33 PM by Gene

Okay -- so who will YOU be voting against?

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

...TWO MOVIES called Wanted, something called Weirdsville, a WELCOME BACK, KOTTER movie, a remake of WESTWORLD, What Makes Sammy Run? (which HSX's dolts call a "Biographical Drama" and a "true-life story"), a remake of When Worlds Collide, WHERE'S WALDO?, White Noise 2: The Light, Why Can't I Be Audrey Hepburn? (We can think of a few reasons), a remake of The Wind in the Willows, a remake of Witness for the Prosecution, a remake of The Wolf Man, a remake of The Women, A WONDER WOMAN MOVIE (who will play Lynda Carter?), THE X-FILES 2, 24: THE MOVIE, a remake of 3:10 to Yuma....

And MORE, ever MORE, to COME!

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

This mini-SLIME no doubt thought he'd whistle his way out of a courtroom, but a highly sensible (and sensitive) judge recognizes parents don't raise their kids anymore.

No doubt too mini-SLIME will find a way around his community service. We'd hope, however, he can't find a way around the law, though he has had considerable success at it.

Posted 1:01 PM by Gene

Sen. Chris Dodd said Tuesday he plans to have "a conversation with the mirror" over the Christmas holidays to decide whether he'll join a growing field of Democratic presidential contenders.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest presidential candidate of them all?

We will not hold our breath for the answer.

Posted 10:59 AM by Gene

Elsewhere in the profit center that is $PORT$ reporting:

Bob Costas was the master of ceremonies and his hyperbole-filled introduction included calling the stadium "the most extraordinary athletic facility ever conceived ... a 21st century, supersonic setting." A video leading to computer-generated shots of the interior referenced the Pyramids in Egypt and the Colosseum among other architectural wonders.

We can assume The Conscience of Sport won't have any tough questions for Jerry Jones for a long, LONG time.

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

A flurry of confirmed and reported talks among airlines may signal merger mania within the struggling industry, though analysts question whether consolidation is a sure - or even a good - thing.

Why not? Misery loves companies -- and the more misery the better!

Posted 10:38 AM by Gene

DOW 36,000 RAN THIS?!?!?

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

Honorary Mayor Mike wants to SAVE Noo Yawk, and New York poses a question:

Bloomberg's goals would pursue indisputably good things: get everybody within a ten-minute walk of a park, cut greenhouse-gas emissions by 30 percent, make 90 percent of the city's waterways clean enough for recreation, improve all sewers, and invest in regional mass transit to keep travel times stable. As parsed, these goals have less stick than a can of Crisco in City Council chambers. They seem flexible enough to make good business sense, but what will happen in post-Bloomberg New York? Will potential Mayor Dick Parsons funnel them into a big bond package?

YOU DA MAN!

Posted 9:01 AM by Gene

And in other ROMY:

Snow has told WH correspondents "I don't know" 400 times

That's 400 times more than news hacks, who are totally ignorant of their ignorance.

Posted 8:24 AM by Gene

And in more news news, our StinkyInky Publishing Co. has alas settled with its unions. This is bad news all across the board -- bad news for those of us hoping for a respite from rotten JERNALISM, bad news for the low-level types who'll get fired (you can bet not one thin dime will go from $PORT$ -- and the LOCAL ESPN OFFICE will get a RAISE), worse news for anyone who wants a decent paper. But we've said it before, an we'll say it again: the hacks have only themselves to blame, with their hubris and their stopped-up ears.

(Via the usual Romy)

Posted 8:17 AM by Gene

As I said yesterday, I love public opinion polls; they allow the hacks to slant the news and fill up space they'd otherwise have to devote to reporting. Another reason is that they get to posit a consensus that may be based on ignorance, or on TV news, which is the same thing. The nice thing about this story is that it gives the notion that the public wants us outoutOUT of Iraq. But how many bothered even to download the TEN WISE GUYS' report? Is Brian Williams really the same thing? It won't do to cite hypothetical Civil War polls on slavery, or European polls on the Crusades, or what not; polling is a uniquely modern stupid thing. But why do news hacks think polls represent the truth?

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

...A CGI REMAKE of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, TERMINATOR 4, AN "UPDATED" FEATURE VERSION OF THE THREE STOOGES, a REMAKE of TO CATCH A THIEF (?!?!?), Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding, The Topkapi Affair (aka The Thomas Crown Affair 2), TOY STORY 3, something called Trading Paint ("aka Untitled Britney Spears NASCAR Project") (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!), THE TRANSFORMERS (a movie based on TOYS), ABE LINCOLN SPUN BY DORIS KEARNS "THE HAPPY PLAGIARIST" GOODWIN AND LUKE SPIELBERG, CHEECH AND CHONG GET BLUNT, "UNTITLED HUGH HEFNER BIOPIC" ("Jim Carrey is reportedly under consideration, as Hef wants someone with a sense of humor" -- especially in the scenes involving Dorothy Stratten?), "UNTITLED QUENTIN TARANTINO KUNG FU PROJECT", "UNTITLED TIMOTHY LEARY BIOPIC", "UNTITLED WOODY ALLEN PROJECT", a PREQUEL to THE UNTOUCHABLES....

MORE TO COME.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Another astonishing discovery at CJRDaily:

On CNN's "The Situation Room" yesterday -- in an episode we assume was meant to be funny -- the channel's senior analyst Jeff Greenfield let loose with an inane criticism of Democratic Senator Barack Obama's wardrobe, upping the ante on the New York Times' Hillary/Barack silliness from last week.

Wait a second -- Jeff Greenfield's supposed to be inane! They pay him all that moolah to be inane -- and Wolf Blitzer and Anderson and Lollipop Lou and Jack Cafferty and all their talking heads! Since when are we supposed to be aghast that Jeff Greenfield's INANE? It goes with the territory.

(Via the usual Romy, who may also be nonplussed to learn Jeff Greenfield's inane)

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

Iran President: Israel Will Be Wiped Out



Not my problem!

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Majority say history won't be kind to Bush

Somebody's been reading my WaPost!

You don't suppose circ's declining because some people may see polls as an easy way to fill up column inches -- and bias the news, killing two birds with one dead stone?

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Bush administration has asked an appeals court to overturn a ruling that would require a redesign of the nation's currency to help the blind.

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

I WAS QUOTED OUT OF CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!

TRANSLATION: I'd rather have a Mac.

P. S.

Allchin has announced plans to retire from Microsoft after the commercial version of Vista ships at the end of January. Note to employees of Apple retail stores in Bellevue, Wash., and Seattle: On or around Feb. 1, be on the lookout for a white-haired man wearing a Groucho mask, furtively purchasing an iMac.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!

Posted 3:21 PM by Gene

How many posts will Jo-NAH typetypetype insisting he did not defend the con-SER-va-tives' second favorite general?

Posted 3:09 PM by Gene

Amazing how, when a person runs for president, he learns how to write!

Posted 2:45 PM by Gene

You don't suppose people are starting to discover iTunes isn't that cheap?

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

If THE ACADEMY®'s members want to look like the effete disgorgers of junk they are, they will not only give Al an Os-CAR®, they will give him a long and loud standing O. See, they can say, at least we do something good between the TRASH we must sell to the RETARDS.

Posted 7:38 PM by Gene

...RAMBO IV (or is that Rambo I.V.?), something called Ranger Danger and the Danger Rangers, TWO FILMS called Reggaeton, Resident Evil: Extinction (one hopes), THE RING 3, TWO FILMS called Rogue, RUSH HOUR 3, SAW IV, SCARY MOVIE V, a SEQUEL to DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?, a HARVEY WHINER REMAKE of THE SEVEN SAMURAI (?!?!?), something called SHAZAM (yes, ANOTHER comic-book movie), SHREK 4, SIN CITY 2, A THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN MOVIE, A LIVE-ACTION REMAKE OF SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (?!?!?) FROM THE WORLD'S LEADING FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY (?!?!?!?!?) combining "FANTASY AND MARTIAL-ARTS ELEMENTS" AND MICHAEL CHABON (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?), SNOW DOGS 2, SPACEBALLS 2, SPAWN 2, A SPEED RACER MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN -- 4 (?!?!?), a "SPY VS. SPY" movie, STAR TREK 11, STARGATE 2, Stir of Echoes II (there was a I?), a REMAKE of STRANGERS ON A TRAIN (?!?!?), LORD LLOUD WUBBISH'S SUNSET BOULEVARD, something called Super Bad (we believe it), ANOTHER SUPERMAN MOVIE, a REMAKE of SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, something called Synedoche, New York with TRUMAN'S OSCAR®-WINNING IMPERSONATOR....

MORE TO COME.

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

A certain "top" porn "star" is getting "divorced" (AS IF), and she has no pre-nup.

Why are we smiling?

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

The Confederation of Zillionaire Prima Donnas (aka the NBA) switched to a synthetic basketball to save cows. The prima donnas hated it. The Confederation's going back to cows.

Live by the PC....

(Via SI.com)

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Wikipedia's founder is challenging G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER. He says he'll offer a free hosting service; but that's what Blogspot is, and we all know how well it works. No, you get what you pay for, and I haven't abandoned my intention to go to a paid host.

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

Bugmeister has done something to the Web. I don't know how many times I get error messages and have to click on the refresh button to bring up a site. This last week I clicked too many times on links that won't come up at all. I have IE7 at home and IE6 at work (and Firefox in both places, which I've been using more lately). I'll bet it's one of His godforsaken patches. How does HISTORY'S GREATEST BUSINESSMAN get to screw things up so royally?

Posted 4:50 PM by Gene

This, one may presume, will be the last we hear of dissent in Iran -- before it nukes Tel Aviv.

Posted 4:47 PM by Gene

Today, on Sen. HEIN-TZZZ' birthday:

KOOK FOR PRESIDENT! AGAIN!!

Posted 1:32 PM by Gene

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has announced the formation of an Internet-based grassroots organization that seeks to raise money and help Republicans take back control of Congress.

Thank you but -- NO THANK YOU!!!!!

Posted 12:16 PM by Gene

Sloan said it will be difficult to deny Jefferson a committee assignment because another Democrat under FBI investigation, Rep. Alan Mollohan of West Virginia, is in line to be chairman of a subcommittee that oversees the bureau's budget. Mollohan, whose personal finances have come under scrutiny, is now the top Democrat on the Appropriations subcommittee that sets the Justice Department budget.

"The most ethical Congress in history!" HARDY HAR HAR!

Posted 11:31 AM by Gene

DAMMIT, CON-SER-VA-TIVES OPENED THEIR BIG FAT MOUTHS!

Pinochet will also be remembered as leaving the country better off than he found it.

Substitute CASTRO....

But not everyone has elected for self-administered brain surgery:

The argument goes that, had Allende become a Chilean Castro, it is probable many more would have died and millions suffered (the death and torture toll from Fidel Castro’s totalitarian dictatorship being far greater than Pinochet’s). Why only two alternatives? Why couldn’t Chile have enjoyed economic prosperity and the widespread protection of human rights and the rule of law? Freedom might have been a messy, clumsy, and imperfect alternative but despotism, as Pinochet and Castro demonstrate, is a lot messier. Pinochet’s name will forever be linked to the Desaparecidos, the Caravan of Death, and the institutionalized torture that took place in the Villa Grimaldi complex.

Meantime Jo-NAH is trying to make TRANS FATS CON-SER-VA-TIVE PC. IDIOTS!

Posted 11:06 AM by Gene

Annan to blast U.S. in farewell

AND YOU GET LOST TOO!

Posted 10:27 AM by Gene

Media Spending in '07? Don't Expect Big Boost
Next Year Appears Depressingly Flat

Depressed? We're ELATED!

(Via IWantMedia)

Posted 9:32 AM by Gene

Alas, even THE WORLD'S NEW GREATEST NEWSPAPER must do EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL things -- like cutting staff -- because people aren't reading newspapers as much as they used to, for reasons that still sound like excuses, and because the industry will NEVER face up to its role in shooing its customers away.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

Oh oh, a top Paramount executive says attendance will be "even" with last year's.

What will we do now?

Posted 8:39 AM by Gene

It appears the con-SER-va-tives are going to be very conspicuously quiet about their favorite general this side of Ike. Didn't they tell us what an exemplar for FREE EN-TER-PRISE he was? Why clam up now? Or did SNIDELY WHIPLASH make unabashed capitalism a little less appetizing?

Posted 8:32 AM by Gene

Meantime THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE UNIVERSE'S HISTORY has been edited for Congresspoops (i.e., violence is okay, but everything else isn't).

Hypocrisies like this make us want to throttle every executive in this business, not to mention the elected idiots who constantly rail against profanity while taking donations from show-biz types.

Posted 8:04 AM by Gene

We also see that Oklahoma! has opened. We wouldn't mention this but that every decade or so a new work opens that issues a shatteringly truth-telling portrayal of youth. Ten years ago it was La Boheme II, and we wonder how far it would have lingered but for the ghastly death of its creator before the opening, which turned the show into its own shrine (it being mostly about AIDS anyway). Before that was Runaways, an ingeniously tuneful and memorable newspaper in music (so the typists said) before it gradually came out that its "composer" (somebody named Swados) could neither read nor write music -- she dictated it a la KERNGERSHWIN HAMMERSTEIN -- and she tried one or two more works before floating into obscurity. Before that was West Side Story, and who knows how long its well-meaning hand-wringing would have lasted without Leonard Bernstein's first-rate score. This has five musicians, which is hardly Robert Russell Bennett, and the ACADEMY®'s honors and Jon "Non" Pareles give us reason enough to believe it's NG. (That and the fact that these scribblers' ancestors panned the score for The King and I.) We must ask who will come out to see this; the expense-account crowd may squirm, and the youth may feel patronized. (Here's a laugh: Social-Security eligibles praising a youth show.) This will probably be another smash -- we were wrong about Stephen Schwartz' contraption because we didn't know how much the expense-accounters love heavy machinery -- but brilliant music aside we wonder if this isn't just another pill.

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

Astonishingly, Effete Edelstein says the music of our generation's Singin' in the Rain is "awful." (The film proper, he says, is "just okay", as we'd guess with such genius.) We do not expect such plain, declarative words from Effete, as he swirls and bobs and weaves and whizzes around the need to make judgments, but we are not surprised. First, it's Branson East music (or as Effete puts it, "the old-fashioned Broadway ones in which people sing their thoughts are Lite FM sludge, like Lionel Richie doing recitative at the Met"); and second, it ain't Motown (or "Phil Spector Motown", whatever that is, aside from an insult), and while we would not call Motown Mozart we know its finger-snapping, life-affirming, giddy pleasures, and we further note the Frank Riches called this a masterwork to end all masterworks because they couldn't carry a tune with Yellow Freight.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

Let's see, WaPo owns THE NATION'S LEADING -- er, a newsweekly. It is in a PARTNERSHIP with GE BANCORP AND REALTY. GE BANCORP AND REALTY OWNS....

Oh. Newsmen don't do favors. Newsmen NEVER do favors.

Oh, it's "a STRATEGIC partnership". Is that any relation to SYNERGY?

Posted 6:35 AM by Gene

We would rather have read this story in The Paper of Re-CORD, where PINCH could -- PINCH himself at this explosion of European AHT. But ask someone like PINCH whether he should take credit and he would modestly say NO. They want the credit for encouraging this new effusion of talent, but they don't want that much credit.

Posted 9:42 PM by Gene

Jon "NON" Pareles has an INSIGHT?!?!?

The open question is whether those new, quirky, homemade filters will find better art than the old, crassly commercial ones. The most-played songs from unsigned bands on MySpace — some played two million or three million times — tend to be as sappy as anything on the radio; the most-viewed videos on YouTube are novelty bits, and proudly dorky. Mouse-clicking individuals can be as tasteless, in the aggregate, as entertainment professionals.

Unlike the old media roadblocks, however, their filtering can easily be ignored. The promise of all the self-expression online is that genius will reach the public with fewer obstacles, bypassing the entrenched media. The reality is that genius has a bigger junk pile to climb out of than ever, one that requires just as much hustle and ingenuity as the old distribution system.

This probably required Non to think quite a lot, but these are notions we've had since we started blogging -- albeit from the bottom of the junk pile.

Posted 6:23 PM by Gene

...OCEAN'S THIRTEEN, an OH, GOD! remake, Old School 2, The Once and Future King (Camelot without music -- oiiiiiiii!), a THE ONION movie, an "OPUS" movie, a THE OUTER LIMITS movie, something called Parental Guidance Suggested (here's betting SAMMY GLICKMAN launches a HUGE tantrum to get THAT name changed), THE PEE-WEE HERMAN STORY, a PHIL SPECTOR biography, something called PIMP, THE PINK PANTHER -- 2?!?!? (Isn't that more like seven or eight?), PIPPIN, a PIRANHA remake, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything -- A VEGGIETALES MOVIE, ANOTHER NATIONAL LAMPOON MOVIE -- with SLIME'S GIRLFRIEND (WHAT have we done to DESERVE this?!?!?), a Dark Crystal sequel....

MORE TO COME.

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: A former Hollywood tantrum-thrower and effete snob got religion when he saw the dollar signs in Mel's face.

These people refuse to see that Mel was a FLUKE -- this week proved that, despite the PR -- and the reason the biz is in deep trouble is because WE'RE TIRED OF BEING INSULTED. And as the sad tale of Maxwell's says, good intentions are NOT ENOUGH.

(Via the annoying ArtsJournal)

Posted 2:23 PM by Gene

Augusto Pinochet, who was almost to con-SER-va-tives what Fidel is to liberals, has died. He ran Chile with an iron fist, and enough people like the late Jeane Kirkpatrick took great care not to get squooshed by it, even as Chileans did.

We eagerly await the inevitable excuses, and some of them may mention a FRIEDMAN.

Posted 1:48 PM by Gene

And speaking of THE CONSPIRACY, the news we've all been breathlessly (and tunelessly) waiting for: the ELIGIBLE LIST for Best -- ORIGINAL Song Os-CAR® NOMINEES:

"Believe It" from "The Heart of the Game" [No we don't]

"The Best" from "Everyone's Hero" [The worst?]

"The Book I Write" from "Stranger than Fiction" [may be worse than your song]

"Broken Bridges" from "Broken Bridges" [and broken verses, and broken choruses, and....]

"Chan Chan" from "Water" [Is that a Chinese can-can? Or just another bad song?]

"Circle in the Sand" from "Friends with Money"

"Coming Back to You" from "Deja Vu"

"Definition of Love" from "Akeelah and the Bee"

"Dreamz with a Z" from "American Dreamz" [Not only can't these tunesmiths write a song, they can't spell]

"Encarnacion" from "Nacho Libre"

"Every Word" from "Wordplay"

"Family of Me" from "Over the Hedge"

"A Father's Way" from "The Pursuit of Happyness"

"The Girl in Byakkoya - White Tiger Field" from "Paprika"

"Heist" from "Over the Hedge"

"Hillbilly Holla" from "Barnyard"

"Hollywood Familia" from "Hollywood Familia"

"I Belong" from "Open Season" [No you don't!]

"I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth" [Go back to sleep, Al]

"In Rosa Vernat Lilium" from "The Nativity Story"

"It's a Fight" from "Rocky Balboa" [It's a bad movie]

"Ju Hua Tai" from "Curse of the Golden Flower"

"Keep Holding On" from "Eragon"

"Khalbali" from "Rang de Basanti"

"Kingdom of Love" from "One Night with the King"

"Listen" from "Dreamgirls" [That's the problem]

"A Lonely Man" from "Don't Come Knocking"

"Love You I Do" from "Dreamgirls"

"Luka Chuppi" from "Rang de Basanti"

"The Motion" from "3 Needles"

"My Little Girl" from "Flicka"

"Never Gonna Break My Faith" from "Bobby"

"Never Let Go" from "The Guardian"

"O Kazakhstan" from "Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" [Who wants to bet THE ACADEMY® gives this THE HONOR as a practical joke? Everything else It does is.]

"Open Your Heart" from "Saving Shiloh" [and close your ears]

"Ordinary Miracle" from "Charlotte's Web"

"Our Town" from "Cars"

"Patience" from "Dreamgirls" [We're two-thirds down the list]

"Philosophy" from "Step Up"

"PJ & Rooster" from "Idlewild"

"Quest for Love" from "Arthur and the Invisibles"

"Real Gone" from "Cars"

"Really Nice Day" from "The Wild" [is a day without OS-CARS®]

"Shine on 'Em" from "Blood Diamond"

"The Song of the Heart" from "Happy Feet" [came from...somewhere else]

"Star Mile" from "The Last Kiss"

"Still" from "Over the Hedge"

"Suenos" from "Hollywood Familia"

"Sweet Music" from "Glory Road" [does not usually smell like rotten eggs]

"Til the End of Time" from "Little Miss Sunshine" [That's what worries us]

"Tonight" from "Night at the Museum" [Isn't that from West Side Story?]

"Try Not to Remember" from "Home of the Brave" [We won't]

"Upside Down" from "Curious George"

"When You Taught Me How to Dance" from "Miss Potter" [you didn't teach me how to write a good song]

"Won't Let You Fall" from "Poseidon"

"You Know My Name" from "Casino Royale" [We DO?]

MAY THE WORST SONG WIN! It always does.

Posted 12:45 PM by Gene

When it comes to the movie biz we're sadists: the more pain the (lack of an) audience inflicts on it, the happier we get. This weekend will be down almost $30 million from last year. OUCH! That feels good!

But pity poor Christmas at Maxwell's. This glorified vanity production earned $54 a screen over the weekend. $54! That's $18 a day, divided by how many screenings? In other words it played mostly before empty houses. $3 million (or possibly $4 million) down the drain -- for what? For someone to say, "I'm a moviemaker"?

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

“The meetings came about after persistent requests from the Americans. It wasn’t because they loved us but because they didn’t have a choice,” said a rebel leader who took part.

Okay Dubya -- either we're talking or we're not talking. WHICH IS IT?

Posted 10:37 AM by Gene

One of America's richest JERNALISTS sez:

Zalmay Khalilzad, who was announced this week as leaving as U.S. ambassador to Iraq, is the leading prospect to replace John Bolton as envoy to the United Nations.

Sure Bob -- then the Dems would use the whole confirmation hearing to flail away at Dubya's Iraq adventure.

JIM "APPEASEMENT" LEACH!!!!!

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, JOE:

George Clooney is also the only star working today who would fit right in during earlier Hollywood golden eras, when giants like Cary Grant, Burt Lancaster and Paul Newman roamed the backlot.

Proof affirmative for the 628,296th time that show-biz news isn't about reporting, it's about looking for work. Just because this article is REALLY about PAUL ATTANASIO doesn't mean we think Rosie's Nephew could fill a fraction of, say, Cary Grant's shoes -- and that you mention Rosie's Nephew and Cary Grant in the same breath means the sole purpose of this typing is BOOTLICKING.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD to JOE!

OR:

Soderbergh has made much of how he used actual '40s lenses and just one camera, embraced studio-confined limitations and otherwise tried to direct much as Michael Curtiz would have done. But aficionados hoping to luxuriate in a full-blown simulation of Golden Era style will come away disappointed.

"The Good German" has little of the luster, sheen and pictorial nuance of a top-flight Hollywood picture of the old school. The contrasts are far too extreme; many compositions contain large areas of impenetrable black, and faces and other light objects are overexposed to the point of being washed out. Pic looks less like a 1942 Warner Bros. melodrama than a 1962 "Twilight Zone" episode intercut with background shots from Rossellini's "Germany Year Zero."...

Despite the starry cast, the public will steer clear, leaving the director's latest honorable but failed experiment to artfilm buffs. [Emphasis added]

Ah, but it's still Cary Grant -- right, Joe?

P. P. S.

He is the brother of Mark Attanasio, owner of the Milwaukee Brewers.

If I had a dime for every time they make fun of the public....

P. P. P. S.

In 2001, Attanasio joined the board of directors at the telecommunications firm Global Crossing, which filed for bankruptcy in January 2002. He resigned his position on the board shortly thereafter.

I'd be richer than Global Crossing investors, definitely.

Posted 10:03 AM by Gene

EXCELLENT news:

Nicolas Cage Plans to Cut Back on Acting

But where will we get our dose of the WILLIES? Oh well, one of your comrades will oblige.

And we suspect it won't be that long before you decide the world needs your dose of the WILLIES again.

Posted 9:56 AM by Gene

Shuttle Discovery Takes Off to Rewire and Expand Space Station

TRANSLATION: We're sending repairmen into orbit. We're not making fun of astronauts; we don't have a thousandth of what that takes, but if all we're doing is a Mr. Fix-It job in space what is the point?

Posted 9:42 AM by Gene

Let me guess, JonBoy: Mary and Joseph were free lovers, and they shacked up all over the place, and Jesus was the son of god [SIC] knows whom, and EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL con-SER-va-tives hijacked their values of tolerance and...oh, never mind. You did this two years ago.

Meantime we certainly affirm Jesus is for squares; he [SIC] doesn't appear on your international editions! It's something about three photogenic women we decided to put on the covers! Sort of like "Women We Love"! You news hacks are SO original!

"Carol Meyers, editor of 'Women in Scripture' and a professor of religion at Duke", "Brown University professor Michael Satlow", "Rodney Stark, of Baylor University", "Amy-Jill Levine, author of 'The Misunderstood Jew' and a professor at Vanderbilt", "Elaine Pagels of Princeton University" -- see, this is how we must now read YOUR newsrag, JonBoy: we don't read the article, we copy and paste the sources and Google them! Hell you don't know what GOOGLE is, JonBoy; all you know is you're BETTER than your readers -- and that's how it always will be!

You STILL think YOU'RE number one among newsrags? Don't forget, JonBoy, you're like the networks -- you're engaged in a battle to avoid LAST. (Happily Useless News has that all sewn up.)