THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, September 19, 2009
What His Omnipotence got in return:
Today, however, the Russian government sharply criticized Ahmadinejad for calling the Holocaust a "myth."
When does Belly Kisser start cooking up an extra-sized portion of wet noodles?
Today, however, the Russian government sharply criticized Ahmadinejad for calling the Holocaust a "myth."
When does Belly Kisser start cooking up an extra-sized portion of wet noodles?
I wonder though if we men don't make too much of good looks. The beauty is likely to be a conceited snob from all her propositions. The not-so-beautiful must work with her personality to ensnare a man, and from rejection has a healthier imagination in things sexual, thus making her more appealing the way a woman should be.
Later on I smelled a vagrant. I think our Professor-in-Chief gets under my skin among other reasons because he would endorse the cretinous Justice Douglas. At the same time he wants to spend zillions on social projects. Yet somehow in the superliberal's mindset the vagrant's "right" to smell trumps the zillions in social projects. Professor-in-Chief, WHY?
I'm 52 years old. Even if it were kosher I wouldn't want a woman who's young enough to be my daughter. Today's youth know little SUMNER and their cell providers haven't taught them; their every second utterance is "I'm like OHMIGOD", and they exude the airs of an airhead.
And then I saw an exceptionally comely young woman in shorts and riding a bicycle, and I felt sad again.
And then I saw an exceptionally comely young woman in shorts and riding a bicycle, and I felt sad again.
It's likely our once beloved Orchestra will soon file for bankruptcy, and if it doesn't it should. It is a victim of RENDELLISM. Where the Orchestra should have spent its time and resources building audiences and burnishing its future it ignored precious both by helping build a defective concert hall, the Quonset Hut on Broad, whose problems cost added precious millions and detract from the musicians' cause, all so EDDIE could fondle breasts. What was its purpose anyway? What was wrong with the Academy of Music that a concerted refurbishment could not have solved? And it got built because the EDDIES saw quonset huts as factories. Thanks a lot, GUV; you can't leave office fast enough.
We should have mentioned Mary Travers the other day but then Tom Lehrer said pretty much all one can say about folk music. Regardless, folk, however conscientious and occasionally maudlin, was optimistic. The singers had a fun time protesting, and their fun rubbed off on their audiences. Today's folk music is [C]RAP. The folk movement left behind indelible personalities and tunes. But [C]RAP...pardon my Portuguese but unless your last name is MURDOCH or IMMELT who wants to hear people bitch all the time?
We should be sad that a Mary Travers is gone because it reminds us how many of our cultural forms died before her. Folk basically expired about the same time as jazz and the musical, but where the latter's wounds were partly self-inflicted -- what was that pimp-'n'-pusher noodle peddler Miles but a trend follower? -- folk was bludgeoned to death by the rock musicians who took its gift outright, curdled it with their nonsense lyrics and their pretensions, amplified it beyond reason, and beat a whole three generations senseless besides.
We should be sad that a Mary Travers is gone because it reminds us how many of our cultural forms died before her. Folk basically expired about the same time as jazz and the musical, but where the latter's wounds were partly self-inflicted -- what was that pimp-'n'-pusher noodle peddler Miles but a trend follower? -- folk was bludgeoned to death by the rock musicians who took its gift outright, curdled it with their nonsense lyrics and their pretensions, amplified it beyond reason, and beat a whole three generations senseless besides.
Hed of the day from DailyKaplan.com:
Well Educated and Flat Broke
Although if you were well educated would you be flat broke?
Well Educated and Flat Broke
Although if you were well educated would you be flat broke?
Friday, September 18, 2009
A TV ad-blurbist confesses:
I'VE SAT straight-faced through so many sitcom pilots in recent seasons that I'd begun to think it was me.
Am I just comedy-challenged?
Is there something wrong with someone who can't find the funny in, say, CBS' "Rules of Engagement" or Fox's " 'Til Death"?
Oh, sure, my critic credentials are relatively solid: I love "The Office" and "30 Rock" and "How I Met Your Mother," and I beat the drum as loudly as anyone for the late, great "Arrested Development."
Yet even those shows' best episodes often leave me laughing more on the inside than the outside.
We wonder -- how does one laugh on the inside?
We think we know how -- because any time an ad-blurbist writes like this we scream on the outside.
I'VE SAT straight-faced through so many sitcom pilots in recent seasons that I'd begun to think it was me.
Am I just comedy-challenged?
Is there something wrong with someone who can't find the funny in, say, CBS' "Rules of Engagement" or Fox's " 'Til Death"?
Oh, sure, my critic credentials are relatively solid: I love "The Office" and "30 Rock" and "How I Met Your Mother," and I beat the drum as loudly as anyone for the late, great "Arrested Development."
Yet even those shows' best episodes often leave me laughing more on the inside than the outside.
We wonder -- how does one laugh on the inside?
We think we know how -- because any time an ad-blurbist writes like this we scream on the outside.
I'm not Putin puppet, Russian president tells CNN
Hey puppet, keep your mouth shut. S'allright?
Mmmmfgghhhhhhmmmmnnnn....
The TWXSTERS are also alerting us to a big water main break in "a Baltimore, Maryland neighborhood" -- if you move Baltimore a few miles.
P. S. I know yesterday I likened Senor Wences's hand to someone else. Can I help it if it changed identity?
Hey puppet, keep your mouth shut. S'allright?
Mmmmfgghhhhhhmmmmnnnn....
The TWXSTERS are also alerting us to a big water main break in "a Baltimore, Maryland neighborhood" -- if you move Baltimore a few miles.
P. S. I know yesterday I likened Senor Wences's hand to someone else. Can I help it if it changed identity?
ARCHDaily!
Now see, in the dark, some modern architecture doesn't look so bad.
Of course other modern architecture should remain as dark as possible.
Now see, in the dark, some modern architecture doesn't look so bad.
Of course other modern architecture should remain as dark as possible.
With the ordination of a two-term GOP senator as head of the NAB we are about to encounter the definition of ideological flexibility. At least skunks like Billy Tauzin were born to greed, and thus were not offensive. And SAMMY GLICK...MAN might gas, but he proved basically powerless. A flexible Republican is among the most offensive politicians.
The death of Irving Kristol reminds us that, before there were PILLHEADS!!!!! and GLENNS!!!!! and NO-SPIN-SPIN-SPIN-SPIN-SPIN ZONES, there were gentlemen. Conservatives are becoming a mirror image of the liberals they despise. They would do well to step far from the mirror and seek out the high road again.
Which further reminds us: none of the aforementioned belchers helped to found, or ever edited, a magazine. One thing about the gentlemen: they could write -- and they could read.
Which further reminds us: none of the aforementioned belchers helped to found, or ever edited, a magazine. One thing about the gentlemen: they could write -- and they could read.
Okay, it's nice that this developer has turned old Rust Belt buildings new, but how many of the zillions of square feet in abandoned factories around us can house twee clothing shops and law offices?
Oh, and Chris is clever not to mention how many people those "stores and offices and technology companies" in Canal Place in Akron (or is that "canal place"?) employ. Sure as heck it ain't 23,000 -- and they don't require their own police and fire departments.
Oh, and Chris is clever not to mention how many people those "stores and offices and technology companies" in Canal Place in Akron (or is that "canal place"?) employ. Sure as heck it ain't 23,000 -- and they don't require their own police and fire departments.
This is meaningless. CRAMERMANIACS played tricks with the financials and STEVEDOM is America's first capitalist-totalitarian state. We would say this BULL MARKET is all smoke and mirrors except that the Wall Street Casino's fantasies have a way of becoming realities.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
ARCHDaily!
I believe I can FLYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY....
(Yep, another Shanghai expo pavilion!)
AND:
I'll take 300 Big Macs, 400 large fries, and...how about a couple hundred Quarter Pounders for my little friend here!
(A police station in Taipei!)
I believe I can FLYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY....
(Yep, another Shanghai expo pavilion!)
AND:
I'll take 300 Big Macs, 400 large fries, and...how about a couple hundred Quarter Pounders for my little friend here!
(A police station in Taipei!)
Diplomat: Missiles in Turkey traded for defense shield in Europe
Didn't we do some horsetrading involving Turkey to get Soviet missiles out of Cuba?
I wonder if the hacks didn't let JFK go to His Omnipotence's head.
Didn't we do some horsetrading involving Turkey to get Soviet missiles out of Cuba?
I wonder if the hacks didn't let JFK go to His Omnipotence's head.
Obama Zaps E. Europe Star Wars YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! [Overemphasis added]
There'll always be a Nation.
The truth is that the decision to put a missile defense system was both stupid and needlessly provocative. Stupid, because the system doesn't work and because the threat from Iran is nonexistent....
President Obama deserves high praise for this action.
His Omnipotence says thank you!
Isn't Robert Dreyfuss an actor or something?
There'll always be a Nation.
The truth is that the decision to put a missile defense system was both stupid and needlessly provocative. Stupid, because the system doesn't work and because the threat from Iran is nonexistent....
President Obama deserves high praise for this action.
His Omnipotence says thank you!
Isn't Robert Dreyfuss an actor or something?
Increasingly Web sites going pay sounds like another rearrangement of the rubble. Many sites will find themselves in a bind: they can't make money now even with large audiences; but when they wall themselves off their audiences will become so much smaller they won't make money that way either, unless they charge through the nose. And how many people have big noses?
(Via the usual Romy)
(Via the usual Romy)
Will boycott against CNN's Lou Dobbs work?
Shhh, don't say anything, but...
Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Shhh, don't say anything, but...
Pffh-hh-hh hh hh hh ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD! Thanks to Arbitron's new people meters, radio is becoming as encased in data as Jimmy Hoffa is in cement.
(Via MediaBistro)
(Via MediaBistro)
The House ethics committee announced Wednesday that it is probing Reps. Sam Graves (R-Mo.), Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.) and Maxine Waters (D-Calif.), fresh evidence that the chamber's disciplinary process has ramped up since it created an office last year to vet allegations against lawmakers.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
We are sorry to learn Henry Gibson, who recited all those corny poems on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, and always holding that giant sunflower or whatever it was, has died -- and once again we come face-to-face with how thoroughly talent-free television now is.
WH: President Obama Disagrees with Former President Carter that Most Animosity Towards Obama is Race-Based
This, calling you-know-who a jackass -- maybe if His Omnipotence stopped closeting his common sense he'd be a good president.
Caveat: This comes from Laugh-a-Minute Gibbs.
This, calling you-know-who a jackass -- maybe if His Omnipotence stopped closeting his common sense he'd be a good president.
Caveat: This comes from Laugh-a-Minute Gibbs.
Pabst Blue Ribbon is apparently trying to become the Starbucks of beers. In short, it is becoming TWEE. But the Crainiacs insist the brand "didn't register any measured media spending during the first half of 2009". So then how did the new TWEE beer plaster a trendy mural on a billboard and a nearby Philadelphia El stop (Spring Garden Station) -- including twee -- three pink elephants?* Given the Wiki's rather drunken familiarity with the brand we'd say it's been doing stunts like this, and elsewhere, for some time. That costs zero? Our only question is if pink elephants were good enough why not somebody vomiting up beer? That might have goosed sales even more.
P. S.
Pabst is owned by a not-for-profit trust based in California, S&P Company.
NUF SAID.
*Not the first time, though not with twee pink elephants.
P. S.
Pabst is owned by a not-for-profit trust based in California, S&P Company.
NUF SAID.
*Not the first time, though not with twee pink elephants.
"IT'S LIKE MARDI GRAS!!!!! JUST DON'T ASK WHAT TIME IT IS OR WHERE THE POLICE ARE!!!!!" (Celebrating overemphasis added)
When's the hangover -- and when are the arrests?
When's the hangover -- and when are the arrests?
Signing protest letter was rash, Fonda says
Hanoi Jane must still earn royalties from her exercise videos.
(Via the annoying AHTSJournal)
Hanoi Jane must still earn royalties from her exercise videos.
(Via the annoying AHTSJournal)
Brauchli: “TOO MANY PEOPLE CALL OUR NEWSROOM!!!!!” (Inundating overemphasis added)
BROCCOLI! TOO MANY THESES CLUTTER YOUR NEWSROOM!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Lehman Died Because Warren Buffett Didn't Know How To Check Voicemail
This sounds dangerously close to a self-serving joke. Either 1. ST. WARREN is a technoboob, or 2. For all His wisdom accreted from investing in 1965 He is not minimally smart enough to employ the kind of help that should get Him the documents, or 3. Lehman was going to "die" anyway regardless of what the ST. did. We say it's all three.
And 4. HENRY HONEST can arrange some annoying links with annoying heds.
This sounds dangerously close to a self-serving joke. Either 1. ST. WARREN is a technoboob, or 2. For all His wisdom accreted from investing in 1965 He is not minimally smart enough to employ the kind of help that should get Him the documents, or 3. Lehman was going to "die" anyway regardless of what the ST. did. We say it's all three.
And 4. HENRY HONEST can arrange some annoying links with annoying heds.
Speaking of SUMNER, here's another demonstration how great news hacks think alike: there must be 500 stories today bemoaning "society's" lack of "civility." (We've seen two.) They have a high nuisance factor because the hacks are complicit in SUMNER's stunts with their cheerleading. They further make us mourn for the brief but halcyon days when GANNETT was selling for under $2, and the CLATCH for under a dollar.
Meanwhile, no Republicans have signed on to the new House bill, and there is little reason to believe the Senate will take up similar legislation any time soon. [LAST GRAF]
The Gay Marriage Act of 2009 (so its sponsors will not call it) is as serious as SUMNER's latest publicity stunt (except, that is, to His sponsors).
(Via SUPERADAM!!!!!)
The Gay Marriage Act of 2009 (so its sponsors will not call it) is as serious as SUMNER's latest publicity stunt (except, that is, to His sponsors).
(Via SUPERADAM!!!!!)
This is the future of television? This wasn't even a good rendition of television past.
If Leno's desire is to help fans get to sleep earlier, desire satisfied.
Bottom Line: Leno grinds out some mystery meat.
We STILL hope he costs jobs -- I mean, succeeds!
If Leno's desire is to help fans get to sleep earlier, desire satisfied.
Bottom Line: Leno grinds out some mystery meat.
We STILL hope he costs jobs -- I mean, succeeds!
Monday, September 14, 2009
More rave reviews a-typing:
"[A]fter achieving fame and a small measure of fortune from the unlikely success of a show about a dystopia where citizens are forced to pay to pee, the creators of 'Urinetown' are desperately trying to top themselves." Thus the oddball topic of their new musical, "Yeast Nation."
(Via the excruciating AHTSJournal)
"[A]fter achieving fame and a small measure of fortune from the unlikely success of a show about a dystopia where citizens are forced to pay to pee, the creators of 'Urinetown' are desperately trying to top themselves." Thus the oddball topic of their new musical, "Yeast Nation."
(Via the excruciating AHTSJournal)
We see Jody Powell, one of the long, long string of those who sacrificed their careers and their sanity to be the President's chief spokespoop, a job designed solely to facilitate the two-way transmission of headaches, has died. RIP.
The victims, er, peons, er, citizens of the Cryonic Mayor's town are learning their ABCs -- Anywhere But Chicago. Yes, we're talking 2016. Their fear of congestion may be overdone as every Summer GAMES city clears out for a month before and after. Their fear of taxation is not. To beat the peons over the head with largely invented virtues delivered through the anvil whack of audio advertising on public transit is surely reverse psychology at its finest. But then the only excuse for such extravagances is to allow Permanent Mayors to hug themselves before the world. No, we said it before: Rio has better beaches.
(Via the Crainiacs)
(Via the Crainiacs)
HOW MANY ANGELS CAN FIT ON THE CAPITOL LAWN?
These IDIOT CON-SER-VA-TIVES do NOT flatter themselves. If I took the time and had the stomach to look back to 2003 and the motley MoveOn gang I'd no doubt find similar blog posts pumping up their protests' attendance. It was a cheap ego fix then, and it is now. Both sides do it because in the back of their empty skulls they sense they may not be as ENTIRELY RIGHT as they think.
(Via the BOOM BOOM Corner)
These IDIOT CON-SER-VA-TIVES do NOT flatter themselves. If I took the time and had the stomach to look back to 2003 and the motley MoveOn gang I'd no doubt find similar blog posts pumping up their protests' attendance. It was a cheap ego fix then, and it is now. Both sides do it because in the back of their empty skulls they sense they may not be as ENTIRELY RIGHT as they think.
(Via the BOOM BOOM Corner)
Show-biz types want Jut-Jaw to fail because he'll DESTROY JOBS!
GO JUT-JAW!
(Via the infernal Michael)
GO JUT-JAW!
(Via the infernal Michael)
It has become a familiar chain reaction: Talk-show hosts whip up a noisy controversy, which hits higher decibels as it spreads to the establishment media, which costs some unfortunate soul his job.
But now the middleman -- the journalistic gatekeepers of yore -- may no longer be necessary.
NUF SAID.
But now the middleman -- the journalistic gatekeepers of yore -- may no longer be necessary.
NUF SAID.
OFFICIAL SPONSORS OF THE “2009 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS” ARE 5 ® GUM, FEBREZE, PEPSI, RHAPSODY ®, SEARS, TACO BELL ®, U.S. ARMY and VERIZON WIRELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Official overemphasis added)
SUMNER, we know You think Your viewers are lemmings, ants, retards, spit on the sidewalk, just so many cells in the universe, and we know every year for Your every "Awards" show You must concoct these moronic video press kits to keep people like THE IDIOT EDDIE LAMPERT and the new idiot at Moon 'n' Stars satisfied, and maybe You still get the SUPER RATINGS, but honest, SUMNER, on days like these we really do wish that an asteroid were headed YOUR way.
SUMNER, we know You think Your viewers are lemmings, ants, retards, spit on the sidewalk, just so many cells in the universe, and we know every year for Your every "Awards" show You must concoct these moronic video press kits to keep people like THE IDIOT EDDIE LAMPERT and the new idiot at Moon 'n' Stars satisfied, and maybe You still get the SUPER RATINGS, but honest, SUMNER, on days like these we really do wish that an asteroid were headed YOUR way.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
We had not commented on DDB's "ad" figuring it was another glorified publicity stunt for somebody. We were right; the stunt was for AWARDS. We note this line from the Crainiacs:
"Obviously somebody made this ad to win awards and get attention," said Bob Moore, chief creative officer at Publicis USA, when consulted on the matter. "It's absolutely tasteless. It probably was a rogue creative team trying to win awards. This desperation to win awards is getting out of control."
So much of what media hacks do is for awards, which makes us mad enough. Worse, they do get our attention, in such a way that we so disbelieve what they say we wouldn't hear even if they were yelling FIRE! in a crowded theater for cause. The next time they "apologize" for something, we should remember this -- and plug the ears more firmly.
The Crainiacs even call it "ghastly". We didn't think ad-types had morals or ethics. Well, we were close.
"Obviously somebody made this ad to win awards and get attention," said Bob Moore, chief creative officer at Publicis USA, when consulted on the matter. "It's absolutely tasteless. It probably was a rogue creative team trying to win awards. This desperation to win awards is getting out of control."
So much of what media hacks do is for awards, which makes us mad enough. Worse, they do get our attention, in such a way that we so disbelieve what they say we wouldn't hear even if they were yelling FIRE! in a crowded theater for cause. The next time they "apologize" for something, we should remember this -- and plug the ears more firmly.
The Crainiacs even call it "ghastly". We didn't think ad-types had morals or ethics. Well, we were close.
There was a rally in DC yesterday against His Omnipotence and a lot of pea-brained con-SER-va-tives have most likely vastly overestimated its attendance just to feel good. 450,000!!!!! 1.5 MILLION!!!!!!!!!! They have shown the way to answer the news hacks' partisan delusions (MILLIONS PROTEST IRAQ WAR!!!!!!!!!!) is through partisan delusions of their own. Here is the perfect example of six of one and the pot calling the kettle black.
We further suggest that now both sides have their professional protesters; only the skank is different.
We further suggest that now both sides have their professional protesters; only the skank is different.
Our first impulse on seeing this story about the formerly great British government demanding background checks on parents was to think how the hacks and His Omnipotence could come together to devise such a wondrous scheme -- but then we thought, given some kids, maybe some couples should have sanity checks before conceiving.
EXCITING news from the ASSPress:
17-room home next to Obamas' Chicago home for sale!!!!! (EXCITING overemphasis added)
Say maybe some hacks could come together and organize a church and worship him there! Oh, they already have a church.
17-room home next to Obamas' Chicago home for sale!!!!! (EXCITING overemphasis added)
Say maybe some hacks could come together and organize a church and worship him there! Oh, they already have a church.
When will the EDDIES learn? Neither gamb -- GAMING halls or baseball stadiums are eternal guarantors of wealth. Yes, maybe that Indian casino will come back, and maybe someday Southeast DC will teem with upscale snobs, but how many times have EDDIES promised their people financial salvation only to see the prospect disappear as new fads trump the old, or in taxpayer-financed ratholes?