THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
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Saturday, June 06, 2009
You all know how black humor started? It started on slave ships. Cat was rowing and dude says, “What you laughin’ about?”
He said, “Yesterday I was a king.” [Last two grafs]
You find this funny, Stefan? I find it painful.
He said, “Yesterday I was a king.” [Last two grafs]
You find this funny, Stefan? I find it painful.
Stan Lee took adults out of the movie studios and theaters. By my definition, Econowiz, Stan Lee is not a hero.
And Econowiz unwittingly makes the point these films won't last by citing the case of some Toby What's-His-Name, who starred in a big flop after a tentpole, and then gloating in so many words that movees no longer need stars. TRANSLATION: Movees no longer need audiences.
And Econowiz unwittingly makes the point these films won't last by citing the case of some Toby What's-His-Name, who starred in a big flop after a tentpole, and then gloating in so many words that movees no longer need stars. TRANSLATION: Movees no longer need audiences.
The problem with con-SER-va-tives complaining about THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER is that it takes the form of sour grapes, and their arguments must conform to the taste. That said, when an idiot like NORMAN THOMAS GRANDSON calls GREATEST a god (or a "sort-of" god to cover for his impartiality), doesn't that mean the other side also has its crotchets?
THE TWXSTERS, who used to be in the very-bad-music biz themselves, glow about how vaster numbers are taking courses to make a scratching sound on an LP.
The problem: as more people look to deejaying for extra cash, the oversupply will drive down the number of work opportunities for aspiring MCs, and the fees they can command.
So wouldn't it make more sense to spend the "$100,000 graduate school tab for a career that is evaporating"? At least then you can boast about the money you wasted.
The problem: as more people look to deejaying for extra cash, the oversupply will drive down the number of work opportunities for aspiring MCs, and the fees they can command.
So wouldn't it make more sense to spend the "$100,000 graduate school tab for a career that is evaporating"? At least then you can boast about the money you wasted.
THE BEST LAID PLANS OF MICE AND GODS: Despite our noble reincarnation of FDR's efforts our financial scam industry is intent on continuing to reward itself for a bad job well done, meaning even complete global bankruptcy wouldn't stop them from earning bonuses.
Two of the biggest manufacturers of questionable foods are engaging in a typically expensive anything-you-can-do fight in court to see who can make more dubious claims about their bad-tasting fortified sugar-waters. When even a gung-ho free-enterprise type like HENRY HONEST can rail about obesity you can be sure such fights are not only pointless but are a kind of corporate daydreaming, meant to keep reality at bay.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Dammit I hate to post on anything that smacks of what even this ad-blurbist admits is a "stunt", but the male left-wing version of MS. TRAVERS too well encourages it with his painful statement of the obvious: that PR0N stars leave their acting on the bed -- and double-dammit if he doesn't take a thousand words to say it, prolonging its obviousness.
Now this at least seems promising: Obamamotors' GM division is selling Saturn to Roger Penske. If anyone can make it tick it's this guy.
The bad news is the company may turn into a glorified subsidiary of foreign automakers. That's what it takes to do well in this market I guess -- hush up that you're a domestic nameplate.
The bad news is the company may turn into a glorified subsidiary of foreign automakers. That's what it takes to do well in this market I guess -- hush up that you're a domestic nameplate.
TRANSLATION: A genius ac-TOR may have killed himself attempting one-man kinky sex.
It is for such reasons that we hold the name of HOLLYWOOD in immortal reverence, and why the man's name may outlast the obscurity it so richly deserves.
P. S. at 5:01 p. m. We posted this and then took it down, thinking it in gross taste -- but upon discovering this story we decided to repost it. Honest, does show-biz have anything upstairs?
It is for such reasons that we hold the name of HOLLYWOOD in immortal reverence, and why the man's name may outlast the obscurity it so richly deserves.
P. S. at 5:01 p. m. We posted this and then took it down, thinking it in gross taste -- but upon discovering this story we decided to repost it. Honest, does show-biz have anything upstairs?
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Oh dear oh dear oh dear -- in money-burning PINCHDOM, the hacks are startled to learn that...The One may not be a man of the PEOPLE!
You mean being just like high-end news hacks is no longer a virtue?!?!?
You mean being just like high-end news hacks is no longer a virtue?!?!?
Proud patriots come to the defense of their nation:
National Conservative Leaders Oppose Obama GM Bailout
National Conservative Leaders Oppose Obama GM Bailout
The JACK VALENTI OF MORTGAGES has formally been scapegoated -- or should we say, he's guilty as hell, but a government that made no small contribution to our -- ECONOMY must always look for villains, as in any scandal, and though ANGELO's guilty as hell we would be highly surprised if he didn't get away with it, thanks to that thing the Beltway excels in: the fake outrage of stooges.
How America celebrates the twentieth anniversary of the Tienanmen crackdown:
Here, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution commemorating the crackdown and calling upon the Chinese government to openly investigate and release those imprisoned for their part in the demonstrations.
There, the Congresspoops take untold zillions in badly-disguised bribes helping companies that help the Chinese.
Case closed.
Here, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution commemorating the crackdown and calling upon the Chinese government to openly investigate and release those imprisoned for their part in the demonstrations.
There, the Congresspoops take untold zillions in badly-disguised bribes helping companies that help the Chinese.
Case closed.
We did not see this -- GREATEST just chose another Dem for his circle!
Congratulations, former Congressman Mighty Mouse!
(Via AHTSJournal)
Congratulations, former Congressman Mighty Mouse!
(Via AHTSJournal)
ARCHDaily!
See, not ALL modern architecture is bad -- we've said that before -- but we do fear the architecture wouldn't look quite so good without the photography.
See, not ALL modern architecture is bad -- we've said that before -- but we do fear the architecture wouldn't look quite so good without the photography.
Tony La Russa sues Twitter over fake page
I'm tired also of hearing of this fad. Tony wants a fast dollar, to be sure. (Why didn't he have six interns start his own Twitter page? That should have been easy and usual enough.) But this 140-CHARACTER MANIA is all about money. Which raises the only interesting question about it: WHEN DO ITS CREATORS SELL?
I'm tired also of hearing of this fad. Tony wants a fast dollar, to be sure. (Why didn't he have six interns start his own Twitter page? That should have been easy and usual enough.) But this 140-CHARACTER MANIA is all about money. Which raises the only interesting question about it: WHEN DO ITS CREATORS SELL?
And in four words, USAOKAY!!!!!.com shows why such reporting is not only useless, it is a flood of foul-smelling drivel:
Cairo speech praised, panned
Cairo speech praised, panned
Early today our time our God made a speech, and I would not want to calculate the square mileage, the light years, the vast distances in galaxies' worth of blatherskite it has occasioned, in all places, on all sides. Such a speech is a higher order of platitude. Yet pundits of every description and higher income bracket must Kremlinologize about it as though such speeches have meaning. Most presidential speeches have no meaning, having been made meaningless by presidents who couldn't speak. That our new GREATEST PRESIDENT is also the GREATEST ORATOR since Patrick Henry does not change this, especially as it takes sixty ghosts to write his orations too. What compounds the nuisance is having to blog about everything. Blogging on the best of occasions is keeping up with the Joneses. Why should I expel more blatherskite just to prove I know my current events? And being increasingly irritated by what I learn and how I learn it I again fume at having to keep up with current events for often no reason. News is essentially a chronicle of luck, and too often it is the chronicle of people with too much good luck. The hacks, themselves recipients of too much unwarranted luck, merely reflect their milieu. In short, news is often irrelevant to me, and that's why keeping up with it is a chore now.
[W]hile lots of people are trying Twitter, few actually use it very much. Here's the good news for Twitter: They're aware of the problem, and they have ideas for how to fix it.
Why is that good news?
Why is that good news?
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Speaking of media morons, Forbeslist has run its latest advertising campaign. We are sorry Little Malcolm's creation isn't a publicly-traded company, like the CLATCH. Nonetheless even he has had to fire people, and if he keeps running such commercials we hope he hocks whatever's left of his fortune. Running speculative puff pieces about celebrities is to Little Malc what liberal bias is to JonBoy. (Oops, he isn't biased.)
That heavily publicized topless coffee shop or whatever in Maine burned down thanks to a possible arson, and a few misfits are...well:
While many people dropped by Wednesday to show support, it was clear that others were pleased about the fire, said Paul Crabtree, the owner's brother who came to the scene Wednesday morning.
"It's sad to see people driving by and acting happy about it," he said.
The public mind may be thinking here. Someone might smile at a publicity-happy doughnut shop burning down for the reason we've come to rage at advertisements like THE STUNT. They see a dishonest, show-bizzy, advertising-mad force behind it. They resent it and what it stands for. Nobody wishes such a misery on anyone (especially someone who just redid the shop and wasn't insured). Nevertheless we understand the specks of happiness.
Prediction: It will be back, and may even sprout into a chain before boredom sets in (or maybe product quality) and causes itself a bankruptcy. WHOM BIGMEDIA BE FOR....
While many people dropped by Wednesday to show support, it was clear that others were pleased about the fire, said Paul Crabtree, the owner's brother who came to the scene Wednesday morning.
"It's sad to see people driving by and acting happy about it," he said.
The public mind may be thinking here. Someone might smile at a publicity-happy doughnut shop burning down for the reason we've come to rage at advertisements like THE STUNT. They see a dishonest, show-bizzy, advertising-mad force behind it. They resent it and what it stands for. Nobody wishes such a misery on anyone (especially someone who just redid the shop and wasn't insured). Nevertheless we understand the specks of happiness.
Prediction: It will be back, and may even sprout into a chain before boredom sets in (or maybe product quality) and causes itself a bankruptcy. WHOM BIGMEDIA BE FOR....
THE STUNT did not prevent one of its geniuses from CRATERING in sales.
Which reminds us -- we're sorry to see Nielsen's pulled the plug on Radio & Records. The only good thing is it shows both are in the tank.
Which reminds us -- we're sorry to see Nielsen's pulled the plug on Radio & Records. The only good thing is it shows both are in the tank.
First -- LEGENDARY WELCH. Now...Steve BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLMER may take jobs overseas!
Talk about idle threats. Haven't you clowns "demanufactured" America already?
(Via The Business Insider)
Talk about idle threats. Haven't you clowns "demanufactured" America already?
(Via The Business Insider)
Dick Cohen's mind sputters ON again. Our superiors think people can't overcome grinding poverty because most of them have never had to face it, and think of those in lower classes as somehow -- stupid. Yes, I would call that effete snobbery.
Bernanke: start work now to curb budget deficit
Aw, jeez, you mean we have to think about impeachment today?
JUST KIDDING, Your Highness, JUST KIDDING.
Aw, jeez, you mean we have to think about impeachment today?
JUST KIDDING, Your Highness, JUST KIDDING.
REAL-TOR LAUGH OF THE DAY TWO: On my way to and from work I pass a super-expensive high-rise condo called the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRITZ CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLTON open three months that's maybe a twentieth occupied. Closer to home is an old office building once called Lewis Tower, now the AAAAAAAAAAARIAAAAAAAAAAA, which is possibly a tenth occupied; natch its developer went bust. Now the idiots who built another condo called the MUUUUUURRRRRRRAAAAAANNNNNNO that's a third occupied are holding a "fire-sale" auction. Scarcely three years ago the StinkyInky told us with glee that eight hundred new condo towers were going up and our Center City population would grow to half a million. Who knew the marketplace would develop fangs? Anyone who saw the problem with building eight hundred new condo towers.
We do have an idea of what to do with all that condo space: sell it to New Yawkers! Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft!
We do have an idea of what to do with all that condo space: sell it to New Yawkers! Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft!
REAL-TOR LAUGH OF THE DAY ONE: Have you ever heard of Webster Hall? If you're a record buff you should have: RCA used it as a recording studio for decades. More recently it's been a HIP! HOT! nightclub. (I.e., third-string acts turned first-string by The Paper of Re-CORD, and $50 drinks.) Well, lately things haven't been so wonderful in Manhattan, and the proprietors of the HIP! HOT! club owe scads in rent and back taxes -- and now they want to be "bailed out"!
Why not invite HISTORY'S GREATEST PRESIDENT there for a fundraiser? He knows all about bailouts.
(Via CuteLittlePinkPaper.com)
Why not invite HISTORY'S GREATEST PRESIDENT there for a fundraiser? He knows all about bailouts.
(Via CuteLittlePinkPaper.com)
A good reason for letting newsrags go bust: Evidently the late Useless News runs Clemson University.
Apparently JonBoy is under KAPLAN, INC. ORDERS to shed readers; hence JAMES DICKEYSON thinks HISTORY'S GREATEST PRESIDENT should apologize to the Arabs. What happens when we've run out of apologies, DICKEYSON?
P. S. Despite the end of the depr -- RECESSION the KAP is less than $49 above its low.
P. S. Despite the end of the depr -- RECESSION the KAP is less than $49 above its low.
The good thing about having the ERIC SEVAREID OF COMEDY "edit" your rag is that you get to temporarily double your staff.
WITH HIS WRITERS.
(Via the usual Romy, with juxtaposes this with a wish from DA POST that ol' JonBoy is "shedding readers", with or without Eric. We can hope.)
WITH HIS WRITERS.
(Via the usual Romy, with juxtaposes this with a wish from DA POST that ol' JonBoy is "shedding readers", with or without Eric. We can hope.)
Now if our First Amendment defenders weren't looking to print more ads on that idiotic sales pitch on Sunday night, and if they didn't do it to avoid having to report the news because it might make HISTORY'S GREATEST PRESIDENT look bad, they might tell us that a bunch of Chinese college students laughed at Secretary Deer-in-the-Headlights when he insisted our assets were safe. Well, anything that will help carve HISTORY'S GREATEST PRESIDENT onto Mt. Rushmore.
(Via -- oh well -- The Corner)
(Via -- oh well -- The Corner)
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Leahy quoted Sotomayor as saying, "There's not one law for one race or another. There's not one law for one color or another. There's not one law for rich, a different one for poor. There's only one law."
Let's hear it from the judge, and not from the left-wing version of Tricky Dick.
Let's hear it from the judge, and not from the left-wing version of Tricky Dick.
Post-bankruptcy, I fear GM's vehicles will be all function and no form.
What are they now? Jut-Jaw Jay spoke of "jelly beans". Yes it may get worse as History's Greatest President becomes the CEO of GUVMENT MOTORS, but it is hard to imagine it getting better. ARCHDaily teaches us if anything today's cars could get uglier in the cockamamie notion that quirkiness equals character. Imagine FRANK GEHRY designing a car. (!!!!!!!!!!) No, the last '58 Caddy rolled off the assembly line about fifty-one years ago.
Oh and folks, let's stop citing Harley Earl. If he were alive today you'd call his cars vulgar -- which, let's face it, many did.
What are they now? Jut-Jaw Jay spoke of "jelly beans". Yes it may get worse as History's Greatest President becomes the CEO of GUVMENT MOTORS, but it is hard to imagine it getting better. ARCHDaily teaches us if anything today's cars could get uglier in the cockamamie notion that quirkiness equals character. Imagine FRANK GEHRY designing a car. (!!!!!!!!!!) No, the last '58 Caddy rolled off the assembly line about fifty-one years ago.
Oh and folks, let's stop citing Harley Earl. If he were alive today you'd call his cars vulgar -- which, let's face it, many did.
We have not mentioned the NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE these last few days because the story, to use a phrase that should return to currency, makes us tired. Thanks to him and his partner in fraudulent invective the NO-SPIN (ETC.) ZONE OF THE LEFT and the other poisonous mushrooms they've caused to sprout all over cable outrage is a worthless commodity measured by ratings points. We see that in the thoroughly political table pounding knee-jerk liberals and their media mouthpieces are expressing with the sole notion of making the whole pro-life movement morally suspect thanks to a psycho. But back to NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN: Of course he didn't pull the trigger on the abortion doctor; knowing loony-rightists it could have been a phase of the moon. But perhaps there's truth in the butterfly's wings causing a hurricane; BIGMEDIA are a Rube Goldberg that can cause vile outcomes in the most preposterous ways. Besides there are enough loony-leftists who'd do the same thing to their enemies. (And just as some con-SER-va-tives have kept their mouths primly shut about NO-SPIN, so would liberals if he were one of theirs.) Trying not be evasive about it I'd say NO-SPIN (ETC.) isn't to blame, but he is not blameless either.
Today a few hard-core con-SER-va-tives mourn the loss of a free high-school paper that went by the name of the Bulletin. One look at its cute font and you knew it wasn't serious. Several years ago it celebrated the con-SER-va-tives' holiday 9-11 by plastering a picture of the deed on its front page. I never paid the rag mind again. It served a faint useful purpose by mocking the StinkyInky when it needed to be mocked -- when it careened into bankruptcy -- but real high-school papers at least can teach kids how to write, unlike the "Bulletin", which seemed to exist, like Metro, to give work to janitors.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Even having had more free time to ponder these things as you have, Fatso, what with your movies not selling anymore, we would say you don't have any more of an idea what to do with GUVMENT MOTORS than that whiz kid. Cramming us into subways and maglev trains -- fine...but if we know you you'd be tooling around in a big superexpensive 6 MPG limo, cursing at what retards your fans are.
Shut up, Michael. You didn't help GM either.
Shut up, Michael. You didn't help GM either.
We have one cretin selling a CD, another selling a movie -- so what do America's cretinous news hacks do? They give away even more of the newshole they aren't using to cover our president to run advertorials for a mutual publicity stunt!
Here you think the hacks can't get even more contemptible...isn't being held in less esteem than used car dealers enough for you?
And that any news hack devotes one word to this fraud today, when GM goes bankrupt and a passenger jet goes missing, is borderline criminal.
P. S. at 6:22 p. m. And how do we know it was a fraud? We turn to MTVPRESS.COM:
Official sponsors of the 2009 MTV Movie Awards include Coca-Cola® [SIC!], Kia Motors, Nikon, Orbit® [SIC!!] gum, Taco Bell® [SIC!!!], T-Mobile USA, and Venus. Orbit is a registered trademark of the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company. [SIC!!!!!]
FRAUDS BEGETTING A FRAUD!
Here you think the hacks can't get even more contemptible...isn't being held in less esteem than used car dealers enough for you?
And that any news hack devotes one word to this fraud today, when GM goes bankrupt and a passenger jet goes missing, is borderline criminal.
P. S. at 6:22 p. m. And how do we know it was a fraud? We turn to MTVPRESS.COM:
Official sponsors of the 2009 MTV Movie Awards include Coca-Cola® [SIC!], Kia Motors, Nikon, Orbit® [SIC!!] gum, Taco Bell® [SIC!!!], T-Mobile USA, and Venus. Orbit is a registered trademark of the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company. [SIC!!!!!]
FRAUDS BEGETTING A FRAUD!
For all the doom and gloom and ennui it sure looks busy at BookExpo. And why shouldn't it be? Book publishers aren't about publishing books; they're about promotions and line extensions and product placements and electronic googaws -- anything except books...and certainly anything except good books. If we didn't have hacks and stats we'd have hardly known the business of creating millions of remainders was in such dire trouble; we suspect they wouldn't have known it on the floor but for priming themselves with talk of gloom. Given its output lately the biz deserves a big heap of gloom; yet we're certain even the gloom hasn't stopped these clowns from thinking very highly of themselves, and a little less so of the people who buy their pulp.
The press has become Obama's silent ally and seems in a state of denial.
Par-TYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
The idea of a "critical" Obama story is one about a tactical conflict with congressional Democrats or criticism from an important constituency. Larger issues are minimized, despite ample grounds for skepticism.
TRANSLATION: POLITICO.
Par-TYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
The idea of a "critical" Obama story is one about a tactical conflict with congressional Democrats or criticism from an important constituency. Larger issues are minimized, despite ample grounds for skepticism.
TRANSLATION: POLITICO.
Abracadabra and alakazoom -- two new stocks for the Dow! Will these be as prescient as putting Bugdom in?
Replacing Citigroup with Travelers seems like a slap.
Replacing Citigroup with Travelers seems like a slap.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
LAST GRAF:
Mohammad Marandi, head of North American studies at Tehran University, said, "All four candidates regard Israel as an apartheid regime, and their position on the nuclear issue is the same, and their stance on rapprochement with U.S. is the same. All are in line with the supreme leader."
Gee thanks, PVT. ZELL, for all those LIBERALS!
Mohammad Marandi, head of North American studies at Tehran University, said, "All four candidates regard Israel as an apartheid regime, and their position on the nuclear issue is the same, and their stance on rapprochement with U.S. is the same. All are in line with the supreme leader."
Gee thanks, PVT. ZELL, for all those LIBERALS!
And speaking of The New Econowiz it's run a heavily ironic six-page non-thinker suggesting -- GASP! maybe The Lord Goddess Oprah is not immortal. When it was an ordinary newsrag it had plenty of time to seek out such an awesome truth; it only appears now because it fits its preening panicking editor's definition of iconoclasm. If these clowns were as on with their insights as they are with hoodwinking us maybe a Zeitgeist wouldn't have had to "rethink" itself, a rethinking done with too little brain cells in any case.
This is what passes for deep writing among news hacks: the Sun Belt is in real trouble -- or maybe it isn't. You spend five minutes reading only to discover a hack can't make up his mind. Something is askew in the news biz. An already poor product has become demonstrably worse. There are too many shortcuts: "reporting" on The One's theater attendance and reading habits is a way not to have to report on anything; the obsession with that mercifully soon-to-be-forgotten SINGER was an unprecedented labor-saving nuisance. When so many people concentrate on trivia and surfaces -- think The New CW or The New Econowiz -- it is impossible to know what's what. There's no backstop either; hacks who ooh and aah over Huffnpuff's VAST AUDIENCE INCREASE fail to mention its most epochal contribution to news was when its reporter asked some question at a White House presser. And we suspect certain news sites have been intentionally defanged. With mass laziness comes vastly increased mischief; I can't recall so many advertorials passing as news. Having gotten our revenge on newspapers we are now forced to think of seeking revenge on the Webmasters. Happily if the colluders make good on their threat to charge for their worthless idle typing we will get it.