THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, April 10, 2010
Today at a twee chain bar that regularly hosts foot -- SOCCER fans SUMNER was having a cattle call for a decades-old property on the network advertisers never had to watch to enjoy it (until they recent learned it doesn't have much of an audience), and looking at the prospective help I thought, if the CARY GRANT of his generation could become a star, anyone can.
We have not mentioned the calamity in West Virginia not out of indifference but because there is little to say. We will always need energy, and so long as men must get it in black holes with explosive and toxic vapors all around there will be such awful accidents. We can ameliorate the risks, but we can't eliminate them. Miners deserve our thanks for their unforgiving work.
We hope -- and believe -- Poland will recover quickly from this catastrophe. We'll need their help in a world with so many enemies.
The hideous irony is inescapable.
The hideous irony is inescapable.
Friday, April 09, 2010
I think we know what will happen: the little-guy investors will come back -- and then the big guys will pull figure out another way to pull them and the whole economy down again.
Or as the Big C puts it so memorably elsewhere:
Want to Be Successful? Think Like a Drug Dealer
Or as the Big C puts it so memorably elsewhere:
Want to Be Successful? Think Like a Drug Dealer
EXCLUSIVE!
“Twilight” regular Ashley Greene has joined the Weinstein Co. comedy “Butter.”
Jennifer Garner is producing and starring in the film, based on the Black List screenplay written by newcomer Jason Micallef. Alissa Phillips and Mike De Luca are also producing the project, which director Jim Field Smith (“She’s Out of My League”) will begin filming next week in Louisiana.
“Butter” follows a number of competitive characters in a small Midwestern town as they become entwined in an annual butter-carving contest. Greene will play a rebellious high school teenager named Kaitlen Pickler. (Do I smell a sequel built around anaerobic fermentation?)
Do I smell a FUTURE REMAKE?
“Twilight” regular Ashley Greene has joined the Weinstein Co. comedy “Butter.”
Jennifer Garner is producing and starring in the film, based on the Black List screenplay written by newcomer Jason Micallef. Alissa Phillips and Mike De Luca are also producing the project, which director Jim Field Smith (“She’s Out of My League”) will begin filming next week in Louisiana.
“Butter” follows a number of competitive characters in a small Midwestern town as they become entwined in an annual butter-carving contest. Greene will play a rebellious high school teenager named Kaitlen Pickler. (Do I smell a sequel built around anaerobic fermentation?)
Do I smell a FUTURE REMAKE?
Surprise:
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens retiring
Shucks! Why can't one of the NAZ -- CONSERVATIVES retire?
TERM LIMITS FOR THE NINE FINGERS!
P. S. Who's the nonentity this time?
We shouldn't talk; Nine-Finger Stevens was Gerry Ford's nonentity.
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens retiring
Shucks! Why can't one of the NAZ -- CONSERVATIVES retire?
TERM LIMITS FOR THE NINE FINGERS!
P. S. Who's the nonentity this time?
We shouldn't talk; Nine-Finger Stevens was Gerry Ford's nonentity.
The usual suspects are acting like the second-grader who just stuck gum on his classmate's seat because His Omnipotence took down SARAH!!!!! To which we say it hardly takes a stiff wind to knock her down -- nor Om's Potemkin foreign policy; and that "the criticism doesn't really get to him, because he checked to see if Palin was an expert on nuclear issues (probably had an intern do it, really)" gag says even the true believers may have their doubts.
We hadn't wanted to even type one word on this but it appears we're in the middle of another media fairy tale, where all our dreams come true and everyone lives happily ever after. Just because he'll win by 20 strokes doesn't mean you can't avoid more bankruptcies. And it does become rather tiresome to see you display your self-interest on your sleeve. Maybe it's fashionable to you but to me the sleeve's made of month-old newsprint a litter of puppies slept in.
Speaking of retired only Mike Riedel could write about a dead business and make it seem almost alive. In today's column he reports on this new Branson East theme park going up that's 42 years old, whose writers average twice as old, that's "shoehorning" in old tunes to try to boost concessions, that's imaginatively aping a small-audience cult cable dramedy to woo still more fans -- and people wonder why this business can't do any outside Branson East, or those tiny carnivals in the hinterlands?
How apt: The Neville Chamberlain of abortion is retiring. 'Bye Bart! Hope there are no more deals where that came from.
And in related annoying news we learn MR. JOURNOLIST, the UNIVERSE'S HEALTH-CARE EXPERT, has an ASSISTANT. Employing young whipper-snapper know-it-alls is like Hollywood remaking duds; the industry's throwing anything at walls and hopes it splats us square on the face. But it didn't take long for MR. JOURNOLIST and MR. MELLERDRAMMER (who also pops up here) to earn reps as a. a glorified snob and b. a self-pitying gasbag, and with luck these bright new stars will flame out just as fast as Hollywood's new duds.
And if these conceited typists are the best the news biz has to offer it had better learn how to communicate non-verbally -- fast.
And if these conceited typists are the best the news biz has to offer it had better learn how to communicate non-verbally -- fast.
'Overboard'?! Why Is Hollywood Now Remaking Duds?
Because it can't make new to save its hide; because any business that builds tentpoles has already saved its hide; because whole genres like musicals and westerns are off limits as Hollywood BURSTS with talent; because the business is already making duds -- only quite a few of them are hits, and a few of those are CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED.
Because it can't make new to save its hide; because any business that builds tentpoles has already saved its hide; because whole genres like musicals and westerns are off limits as Hollywood BURSTS with talent; because the business is already making duds -- only quite a few of them are hits, and a few of those are CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
I will believe this rumpheting thumpheting self-important clown friend of CEOs Mr. Payne, the master of The Masters, the organizer of THE ATLANTA GAMES, when he lets GARY McCORD back at Augusta.
When an outfit like Yahoo! (or the ASSPress, for that matter) has a EUREKA! moment, you can see that fly swimming around in the ointment. It says here some company we'd never heard of says people can save LOTS OF MONEY on printer cartridges by changing their default printer settings to Century Gothic. WELL,
Even Yahoo! and the ASSPress admit it. They also admit documents printed in a font like Century Gothic take up more paper -- which may "not necessarily be better for the environment." We suspect someone could come up with a survey saying people could save money using MS COMIC SANS. This would have the same effect. No, in the game of printer cartridges, THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.
Even Yahoo! and the ASSPress admit it. They also admit documents printed in a font like Century Gothic take up more paper -- which may "not necessarily be better for the environment." We suspect someone could come up with a survey saying people could save money using MS COMIC SANS. This would have the same effect. No, in the game of printer cartridges, THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
People who rip CDs with Windows Media Player soon realize the BUGMEISTER has a friend at Allmusic.com. It may have more mistakes than any other reference work on the Web. There's hardly an album we've ripped whose entry we haven't had to correct, whether it's a composer credit missing a first name or the wrong album art. One special Allmusic trait is with older albums it can't decide on the album date -- is it the year of first release or the year of the current issue's release? A friend of ours we'll call Mr. Squiggle who specializes in show tunes MUST put the name of the show before EVERY song title, thus screwing up the indexing, and his neat little mark of Zorro afterward; and he frequently does something like this:
The Rothchilds [SIC!], musical~Have YouEver [SIC!] Seen A Prettier Little Congress?/Stab [SIC!]
...taking up so much space with his what-a-good-boy-am-I genre listings and squiggle routine he'll forget the last words of a title. Certainly fans of what some idiot called "classic pop" will be familiar with the name of Raymond Egan B. [SIC!] Classical albums? The site should have a spinoff called DoItYourselfAlbumListings.com -- but if you like entries like this:
Symphonie n°1 "Jérémie" - Largamente
...you'll LOVE Allmusic.com. Combined with WMP's quirks (when entering names in the "Contributing Artist" column you don't space after a semi-colon, otherwise BUGMEISTER will add as many spaces as He wants; in Composer, you can) this dread outfit will soon lead you to insanity. Thus did we come across another preposterous quirk today: ripping an album we found this composer credit:
Aynsley Dunbar; Bob Merrill; Gregg Rolie; Jule Styne; Neal Schon
We are ignoramus enough not to know the odd-numbered names but with this prompting we did learn the first has drummed for fifty bands and the third and fifth started eighteen jazz-rock bands and are now enshrined in the Pei Lakeside Mausoleum in Cleveland. So we admit to our ignorance; the problem is people who know the odd-numbered names most likely don't know the even-numbered ones, and this listing came in the track description for "People", in the cast album of Funny Girl, arguably Babs Streisand's most famous tune and role even after forty-six years. Stupid is as stupid does, said Forrest Gump, and though we're still not quite sure what it means with friends like the BUGMEISTER stupid does very well for Allmusic.com.
The Rothchilds [SIC!], musical~Have YouEver [SIC!] Seen A Prettier Little Congress?/Stab [SIC!]
...taking up so much space with his what-a-good-boy-am-I genre listings and squiggle routine he'll forget the last words of a title. Certainly fans of what some idiot called "classic pop" will be familiar with the name of Raymond Egan B. [SIC!] Classical albums? The site should have a spinoff called DoItYourselfAlbumListings.com -- but if you like entries like this:
Symphonie n°1 "Jérémie" - Largamente
...you'll LOVE Allmusic.com. Combined with WMP's quirks (when entering names in the "Contributing Artist" column you don't space after a semi-colon, otherwise BUGMEISTER will add as many spaces as He wants; in Composer, you can) this dread outfit will soon lead you to insanity. Thus did we come across another preposterous quirk today: ripping an album we found this composer credit:
Aynsley Dunbar; Bob Merrill; Gregg Rolie; Jule Styne; Neal Schon
We are ignoramus enough not to know the odd-numbered names but with this prompting we did learn the first has drummed for fifty bands and the third and fifth started eighteen jazz-rock bands and are now enshrined in the Pei Lakeside Mausoleum in Cleveland. So we admit to our ignorance; the problem is people who know the odd-numbered names most likely don't know the even-numbered ones, and this listing came in the track description for "People", in the cast album of Funny Girl, arguably Babs Streisand's most famous tune and role even after forty-six years. Stupid is as stupid does, said Forrest Gump, and though we're still not quite sure what it means with friends like the BUGMEISTER stupid does very well for Allmusic.com.
The Brainiacs are thinking. Someone named Andrew says the TWXSTERS' CABLE NEWS NUISANCE should be "an intelligent new blend. One part CBS News’s brilliant Sunday Morning. One part Rome Hartman’s smart BBC World News America. And one part good old-fashioned Jim Lehrer." Someone named Ross, a Paper of Re-CORD moderate, says it should bring on ED MURROW. Both Brainiacal suggestions are like reinventing a square wheel. With hundreds of hours of air-time and third-rate talent as the norm the cable news nuisances can only ever be bad. ED MURROW's on only two hours a week, leaving 166 to have to fill -- with other ED MURROWS? Hardly likely. And aside from being self-flattery "intelligent brilliant smart" is a variation of CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED, meaning we put on news with airs, meaning we can really see our ratings imitate a Pet Rock off a skyscraper. Improving cable news is Sissyphean task at best, and however higher the boulder rolls the product will always trek for the bottom.
(First intelligent brilliant smart suggestion via the usual Romy; second intelligent brilliant smart suggestion via WeeklyStandard.com)
I suppose we should congratulate THE DUKIES but that would be like congratulating a corporation -- but thus it ever was in professional college basketball.
Beholding 16,000 different heds yesterday in FinViz for the iPad we wondered what the point of newsgathering is. Today we get another example from that GANNETTOID flack Sue who must give us 1,500 words on why swords-and-sandals pictures are "back", never mind she must quote a dozen industry types to do so, proving she's well connected with everyone but her readers, but if she weren't well-connected in the wrong way she wouldn't be working for USAOKAY!!!!!
Sunday, April 04, 2010
ARCHDaily!
Doesn't this remind you of one of those contraptions they put raffle tickets or bingo balls in?
Doesn't this remind you of one of those contraptions they put raffle tickets or bingo balls in?
IPAD WILL THRASH ALL SALES ESTIMATES!!!!! [Thrashing home-page overemphasis added]
Disclosure: Long AAPL [At tag end of linked article]
We will not say Jason is a liar, but from this past week we have seen news hacks turn into ad copywriters, and while they may not intend to lie they de facto do.
Disclosure: Long AAPL [At tag end of linked article]
We will not say Jason is a liar, but from this past week we have seen news hacks turn into ad copywriters, and while they may not intend to lie they de facto do.
The question among pundits and cable screamers is not whether to lie, it's who can lie the loudest. Over at Jonahdom they had a brief discussion on some cable IDIOT blasting PILLHEAD for referring to the Obama "regime" when said cable IDIOT referred to the Bush "regime". And then worst of all they twist the knife by denying they did what they said the other side did when you know full well they're malevolently laughing on the inside. Given such pampered people on all sides it's best to assume they are lying, to assume they are lying with intention, to assume they are lying for big bucks, and to assume most of all they will never get fired for lying. Assuming otherwise gives them a credibility they don't deserve.
People like the IDIOTS on both sides strike a blow to the notion we can trust our fellow man. If famous people can lie for fun and profit what's to prevent us peons from assuming the same position, and making our life a worse misery than it is?
People like the IDIOTS on both sides strike a blow to the notion we can trust our fellow man. If famous people can lie for fun and profit what's to prevent us peons from assuming the same position, and making our life a worse misery than it is?