THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, September 01, 2007
It would be just like the Taliban to boast that South Korea paid a ransom. It would be just like a government like South Korea to pay the ransom and then deny it.
With such pusillanimous dwarfdoms the holy cockroaches could waltz over us.
With such pusillanimous dwarfdoms the holy cockroaches could waltz over us.
Meantime a genuine idiocy in the Paper of Re-CORD's rag: an 8,363-WORD genuflection to some recorded...SOUND guru of the moment named Rubin. Of course its underlying theme is the usual one-note whine about the Web, which alas won't go platinum -- and which further highlights the typical motivation behind such tripe: that the recorded...SOUND biz isn't being ruined by lousy songs or crappy talent, no, it's been afflicted with a disease, very much like cancer, an unexplained thing that is sapping the biz of its sales; but as one might expect with an 8,363-WORD piece typed by someone who "writes regularly about the entertainment industry" there is not the tiniest hint the trade is at fault except for some of its business models, and who knew what a computer was twenty years ago? nor are the geniuses who excrete the sonic marvels of the age; no, the biz' "sudden" collapse (which may not be so sudden) is something that has happened, the way it's now the news industry's take that 9/11 happened, and these are all decent, good, kind people to whom such awful things just shouldn't be happening.
Will someone tell PINCH such grandiose navel staring will not stanch His losses? And will somebody tell the rag's editors long does not necessarily equal good?
Will someone tell PINCH such grandiose navel staring will not stanch His losses? And will somebody tell the rag's editors long does not necessarily equal good?
JonBoy peforms a cover juggling act: In our edition it's Sen. Law 'n' Order, presumably because he's been in show-biz, and that might make him a good president. In the Asian edition it's a story on some Bollywood producer that begins like this:
Ronnie Screwvala is the front runner in the race to become Bollywood's Jack Warner.... [Emphasis added]
That's the thing about newsrag editors: they spend all day flattering people. In the Europe and Latin American editions it's a story on the Sarko craze called "The End of Anti-Americanism", and we can see why it wouldn't appear here -- it never ended in The Newsrag of the Zeitgeist.
Ronnie Screwvala is the front runner in the race to become Bollywood's Jack Warner.... [Emphasis added]
That's the thing about newsrag editors: they spend all day flattering people. In the Europe and Latin American editions it's a story on the Sarko craze called "The End of Anti-Americanism", and we can see why it wouldn't appear here -- it never ended in The Newsrag of the Zeitgeist.
In more idle typing (is this National Idle Typing Day?) somebody named Robin makes some sort of point (we don't know what) about how stupid politicians worship stupid rockers, and why they supposedly deserve it, and tries to be oh-so-cute about it, but stalls out around the fourth graf like Jack Benny's Maxwell, nonetheless inspiring someone Terry Teachout calls "the divine Ms. Althouse" to type her own typing, inspiring at least ten people to comment about the typing on the typing, and....
Why did the Lord God invent words?
Why did the Lord God invent words?
I just found this too -- a quote from one of The Paper of Re-CORD's leading ad-blurbists A. O. with B. O., something we ignored three weeks ago, being already full of ad-blurbism:
Don't misunderstand me: I still get a kick out of Bonnie and Clyde, but it's accompanied by a twinge of unease, by the suspicion that, in some ways that matter and that have become too easy to dismiss, Bosley Crowther was right.
We think we know why A. O. uses initials: the A stands for a seven-letter compound word that ends in E. We will not guess what the O stands for.
Don't misunderstand me: I still get a kick out of Bonnie and Clyde, but it's accompanied by a twinge of unease, by the suspicion that, in some ways that matter and that have become too easy to dismiss, Bosley Crowther was right.
We think we know why A. O. uses initials: the A stands for a seven-letter compound word that ends in E. We will not guess what the O stands for.
While searching Google News to see who got linked more, Dick Cheney or PAUL DRECK (Dick Cheney, by a mile -- we're surprised), we found this touching story of this Connecticut town council that has boldly gone to the fore for truth and right. We wish we knew how many other American burgs have taken such courageous stands, and how many of them have crime sprees, or can't put the garbage out.
Once she was a sex symbol -- and a superstar! But Condi proved as incompetent and appeasing as any Bushite. How the mighty do fall.
Here's another one we hope never to have to hear from again -- but she no doubt already has her lobbying firm set up, and her millions for shafting the republic.
Here's another one we hope never to have to hear from again -- but she no doubt already has her lobbying firm set up, and her millions for shafting the republic.
Does anyone here remember "The Typewriter"? It was a cute Leroy Anderson number where a typewritist clattered in time to the music. We'd guess it proved an inspiration to untold news hacks when they got down; just put "The Typewriter" on the phonograph, and...clatter away! Of course no one outside North Korea uses typewriters anymore -- we suspect there they use quills -- but typing on a keyboard you can still get the tactile response of clickclickclick. It's facial exercises for the hands. Thus the anonymous author(s) of this typing may have had a sudden urge to do the finger muscles good and revisit the old technology. It certainly doesn't say anything -- most typewriter nostalgia doesn't -- but it is a way to soothe your nerves, even as you jangle the reader's. Certainly the subscribers of Bugmeister Bill's favorite rag wouldn't notice; they don't read the thing, they just fling it on their desks to intimidate underlings. So hacks of The Econowiz -- type away!
Speaking of Congress, it's about to launch into another of its publicity stunts re WWE.
This is why we can't take the Congress seriously: it gets "mad" all the time, and it vents its "anger" through constant publicity hearings, where the members get to do the Ossified Kleagle and telegenically feign outrage. All this feigned outrage makes real outrage harder to express -- and makes it that much harder to punish miscreants of all stripes.
This is why we can't take the Congress seriously: it gets "mad" all the time, and it vents its "anger" through constant publicity hearings, where the members get to do the Ossified Kleagle and telegenically feign outrage. All this feigned outrage makes real outrage harder to express -- and makes it that much harder to punish miscreants of all stripes.
We confess we're not fully comfortable with the sting of Foot Tapper. But he is not the first Congresspoop to get stung. Remember the Abscam heroes? No one told them to take money from "Arabs" -- just as no one told Foot Tapper to do a Fred Astaire routine in a men's room stall. So the solution to Congresspoops getting caught in stings is for government to cease them -- or for Congresspoops to cease acting above the law.
Maybe such things aren't always "fair" -- but occasionally these numskulls must know the wrath of an angry public.
Maybe such things aren't always "fair" -- but occasionally these numskulls must know the wrath of an angry public.
TRANSLATION: The Dems have a bigger bucket to bail out the Angelo Mozilos!
And don't think the Jack Valenti of Mortgages isn't thinking! He's given money to Mitt and Rudy -- and also to the ED RENDELL OF THE WEST! Way to go, Angie! A few more donations and you'll get your foot into the White House for sure!
And don't think the Jack Valenti of Mortgages isn't thinking! He's given money to Mitt and Rudy -- and also to the ED RENDELL OF THE WEST! Way to go, Angie! A few more donations and you'll get your foot into the White House for sure!
The operators of the great flying-sardine-can fleets have now teamed with THE CONSPIRACY to make the in-flight experience totally miserable for parents with children. SAMMY GLICKMAN may smile. When do we fight back?
“Parents have to be responsible for the actions of their kids — whether they shouldn’t look at the screen or look away,” said Eric Kleiman, director of product marketing for Continental Airlines.
And if we have a suicidal pilot who wants to relive 9/11, or a drunken slob who threatens to blow up a plane -- shucks, not our fault, folks!
Eric! You deserve a job in HOLLYWOOD!
“Parents have to be responsible for the actions of their kids — whether they shouldn’t look at the screen or look away,” said Eric Kleiman, director of product marketing for Continental Airlines.
And if we have a suicidal pilot who wants to relive 9/11, or a drunken slob who threatens to blow up a plane -- shucks, not our fault, folks!
Eric! You deserve a job in HOLLYWOOD!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Great, an "ironic", "open" way of screwing the public with PR.
Face it, there is no such thing as good publicity.
(Via MediaBistro)
Face it, there is no such thing as good publicity.
(Via MediaBistro)
Wal-Mart had good reasons for ditching layaway. Some of its customers have good reason to be scornful.
We hope G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE will be to high-tech what Wal-Mart has become in retailing.
We hope G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE will be to high-tech what Wal-Mart has become in retailing.
Have we replaced mere mass media with a supermedia state in G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE?
We think we now know why "Do No Evil" doesn't work anymore -- it's an ex post facto public apology.
(Via IWantMedia)
We think we now know why "Do No Evil" doesn't work anymore -- it's an ex post facto public apology.
(Via IWantMedia)
A remarkable article on the avalanche of public apologies boils their hoodwinkery down to the core:
The apology, it turns out, isn't a renewable resource. And with some crimes, "I'm sorry" doesn't make things right.
"People say, 'How do I know if he's sincere,' " Martin said, speaking about public apologies in general. "Well, you don't. It takes time to redeem oneself. And if the transgression is bad enough, it may never be possible."
At least it should never be, in fantasy life. We don't doubt The Drunken Slob of the Air (mentioned prominently here) can come back, though he doesn't deserve to. But the Sol Hurok of Dog-Fighting shouldn't. Neither should Foot Tapper. That we can even think they might shows that too many public figures, like government, like Corporate America, have no sense of shame, and they know how to use it.
The apology, it turns out, isn't a renewable resource. And with some crimes, "I'm sorry" doesn't make things right.
"People say, 'How do I know if he's sincere,' " Martin said, speaking about public apologies in general. "Well, you don't. It takes time to redeem oneself. And if the transgression is bad enough, it may never be possible."
At least it should never be, in fantasy life. We don't doubt The Drunken Slob of the Air (mentioned prominently here) can come back, though he doesn't deserve to. But the Sol Hurok of Dog-Fighting shouldn't. Neither should Foot Tapper. That we can even think they might shows that too many public figures, like government, like Corporate America, have no sense of shame, and they know how to use it.
Two Egyptian students at the University of South Florida were indicted Friday for carrying explosive materials across states lines and one of them was charged with teaching the other how to use them for violent reasons.
I suppose they wouldn't be Christians, would they.
Isn't this the same skool that had some prof from the Religion of Peace who taught the Brotherhood of Man, or something? Nah, I don't think so.
I suppose they wouldn't be Christians, would they.
Isn't this the same skool that had some prof from the Religion of Peace who taught the Brotherhood of Man, or something? Nah, I don't think so.
Speaking of -- well, say what you will, Pete Seeger is a musician -- I see masses of upper-class snobs brandishing press credentials in one hand and mallets and two-by-fours in the other.
Could it be -- yes! The hacks are going to spend all November SELLING BRITNEY'S NEW "ALBUM"!
Could it be -- yes! The hacks are going to spend all November SELLING BRITNEY'S NEW "ALBUM"!
This Is Not A Bailout
Repeat after me: This is not a bailout. Again: This is not a bailout. Again....
Repeat after me: This is not a bailout. Again: This is not a bailout. Again....
AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!
WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush expresses confidence that America's economy can "weather any turbulence" during what he calls a period of transition in financial markets.
Well! We are quite comforted in your reassurance, DUBYA!
So's the Jack Valenti of Mortgages.
WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush expresses confidence that America's economy can "weather any turbulence" during what he calls a period of transition in financial markets.
Well! We are quite comforted in your reassurance, DUBYA!
So's the Jack Valenti of Mortgages.
Aw go on, Katsuaki, be arrogant! Knock GM down -- and stomp on it!
We may wonder who won the war.
(Via Brandweek)
We may wonder who won the war.
(Via Brandweek)
In media tyranny news, CNN and Reuters are splitting up (we didn't know they were married), which makes us wonder what could have come between two organizations so like-minded they share half a brain; and GE BANCORP NETWORK is having a tantrum with The Lord God Steve, which makes us wonder how many people really pay to see junky shows on 2.5-inch screens.
Colleges Rewrite Playbook on Recruiting Ads
Stanford, UCLA TV Ads Showcase Innovation, Humor
Don't tell me, let me guess: YOUNUHVERSATEES are about to use their tuition and taxpayer largesse to produce EDGY commercials, which will finance all sorts of CRAPPY TELEVISION -- in short, they're ready to join THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS!
Stanford, UCLA TV Ads Showcase Innovation, Humor
Don't tell me, let me guess: YOUNUHVERSATEES are about to use their tuition and taxpayer largesse to produce EDGY commercials, which will finance all sorts of CRAPPY TELEVISION -- in short, they're ready to join THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Our Unintended Hed of the Week:
Larry Craig: A Democratic No-Fly Zone
Maybe it would have been better if Foot Tapper had been careful with his.
Larry Craig: A Democratic No-Fly Zone
Maybe it would have been better if Foot Tapper had been careful with his.
The officer who arrested Sen. Larry Craig in a police undercover operation at an airport men's room accused the senator of lying to him during an interrogation afterward, according to an audio tape of the arrest.
Lying? That's his Senatorial privilege!
Lying? That's his Senatorial privilege!
Thompson to announce presidential candidacy
Gosh, it only took what, a year-and-a-half?
Republican's official entry into race to come Sept. 6 via webcast
Law, why must you candidates be so coy? You already announced it!
Gosh, it only took what, a year-and-a-half?
Republican's official entry into race to come Sept. 6 via webcast
Law, why must you candidates be so coy? You already announced it!
Let me put it this way now: What Shakespeare is to the theater, Bergman is to cinema....
[S]ome benighted or uninformed souls think of him as merely a gloomy Scandinavian with no sense of humor. Wrong. A Lesson in Love and the brilliant elevator episode in Waiting Women are sheer comedy at its best; Smiles of a Summer Night, a great film, is serious comedy, and so even better. No less important is that, like Shakespeare, Bergman had bright moments in his darkest films, as dark ones in his lighter ones. And he never shied away from the great, tragic truths.
With all due respect, Mr. Simon, this is the worst possible defense for Bergman. We admit to ignorance of him, but we do know a little of Shakespeare, and when he attempted comedy it was uproariously unfunny. Who would laugh at a Shakespeare line without the stage prompting? One of his most annoying characters is Touchstone, who reminds us of an Elizabethan-era Mork. Likewise the infernal musicians who step on the coincidences in Romeo and Juliet; why couldn't they shut up and play -- or better still, shut up? And yes, we know all about the drunken lardbucket Falstaff. George Abbott thought highly enough of Shake that when he adapted The Comedy of Errors into the musical The Boys from Syracuse (Rodgers and Hart's tunes were far wittier than anything Shake ever did) he quoted all of one line -- and immediately had another character exclaim, "Shakespeare!" No, for our money, Shake's most amusing ditties are the mad scene in Hamlet and Troilus and Cressida, which contains the laughingest affair this side of Bogie and Betty in To Have and Have Not, and those insult contests involving Thersites, who invented the character of Oscar Levant. Please, we have enough critically-acclaimed "comedy."
[S]ome benighted or uninformed souls think of him as merely a gloomy Scandinavian with no sense of humor. Wrong. A Lesson in Love and the brilliant elevator episode in Waiting Women are sheer comedy at its best; Smiles of a Summer Night, a great film, is serious comedy, and so even better. No less important is that, like Shakespeare, Bergman had bright moments in his darkest films, as dark ones in his lighter ones. And he never shied away from the great, tragic truths.
With all due respect, Mr. Simon, this is the worst possible defense for Bergman. We admit to ignorance of him, but we do know a little of Shakespeare, and when he attempted comedy it was uproariously unfunny. Who would laugh at a Shakespeare line without the stage prompting? One of his most annoying characters is Touchstone, who reminds us of an Elizabethan-era Mork. Likewise the infernal musicians who step on the coincidences in Romeo and Juliet; why couldn't they shut up and play -- or better still, shut up? And yes, we know all about the drunken lardbucket Falstaff. George Abbott thought highly enough of Shake that when he adapted The Comedy of Errors into the musical The Boys from Syracuse (Rodgers and Hart's tunes were far wittier than anything Shake ever did) he quoted all of one line -- and immediately had another character exclaim, "Shakespeare!" No, for our money, Shake's most amusing ditties are the mad scene in Hamlet and Troilus and Cressida, which contains the laughingest affair this side of Bogie and Betty in To Have and Have Not, and those insult contests involving Thersites, who invented the character of Oscar Levant. Please, we have enough critically-acclaimed "comedy."
Dirty money, dirty blogs -- this campaign's developed a rank odor rather early, hasn't it?
Speaking of Gekko, he's blown a gasket because the Feds have wasted so many gazillions on New Orleans. But as we said before, a no-tax zone would be a government bailout of its own. Either way it's money wasted, or in crooks' pockets. What could we do?
"There may be no interest on the political side in doing something," Alarcon said. "They may be comfortable with a de facto abolition of capital punishment."
Let's have the death penalty -- or let's not.
Let's have the death penalty -- or let's not.
Everybody in New York is up in arms about the last will and testament of Leona Helmsley, the deeply unpleasant hotelier notorious for her vicious s [SIC] treatment of her employees.
THIS in NRO -- home of the great hero-worshiper of wealth GEKKO KUDLOW?!?!?
THIS in NRO -- home of the great hero-worshiper of wealth GEKKO KUDLOW?!?!?
Here's a new category for The New Yorker (yes, The New Yorker): Stories We Did Not Read After the Byline:
Countrywide Feels the Heat
Embattled CEO Angelo Mozilo answers critics who claim the lender helped bring on the housing crisis
by Maria Bartiromo
Oh, mustn't forget:
®
Countrywide Feels the Heat
Embattled CEO Angelo Mozilo answers critics who claim the lender helped bring on the housing crisis
by Maria Bartiromo
Oh, mustn't forget:
®
In their obits on Richard Jewell how many hacks wrote of their biz' part in his frame-up in the PASSIVE voice?
There'll always be a New Yorker (yes, The New Yorker):
The portmanteau title of the new Showtime series “Californication,” in case you hadn’t noticed, contains a reference to a certain act, an act that is performed by two parties, but the act that the show itself calls to mind is the solitary and less fruitful act of autoerotic asphyxiation… [Home-page squib]
Which reminds us as always of another New Yorker department at the bottom of columns: Stories We Didn't Read Beyond the First Paragraph, or however it went. But then we haven't read THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST MAGAZINE in a while.
The portmanteau title of the new Showtime series “Californication,” in case you hadn’t noticed, contains a reference to a certain act, an act that is performed by two parties, but the act that the show itself calls to mind is the solitary and less fruitful act of autoerotic asphyxiation… [Home-page squib]
Which reminds us as always of another New Yorker department at the bottom of columns: Stories We Didn't Read Beyond the First Paragraph, or however it went. But then we haven't read THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST MAGAZINE in a while.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Speaking of Herb Alpert, today after work I frequented my local A&P -- Super Fresh to shop for breakfasts when the foreground Muzak played "For All We Know", which soon brought back memories of a minor argument I had with my late brother. I was big on stereo magazines then (I loved reel-to-reel tape decks) and one of their typists, I think for Stereo Review (!), somebody named Semels or something, blasted Close to You with the whole length and breadth of the middle-America stereotype; every Carpenters fan voted for Nixon, pined for Tricia, wore a flag on his sleeve, and had no taste. The act was the a-Lawrence a-Welk of soft-rock pablum. It sounded plausible to a politically amoebic thirteen-year old. My brother responded in so many words, "Their music is good!" Fast forward to now and you can't think of the Carpenters without beholding Karen's untimely and ungodly death, which alone makes their tunes poignant, and sometimes a bit eerie; if they sounded a bit androidal and Karen had a few too many cute tics (like her fake Brrritish vowels) they nonetheless made touching music, perhaps no more so than this tune, the last decent song to win the Os-CAR®, from some sort of movie sitcom. If it's white bread it leaves a pleasant and haunting aftertaste, haunting enough to make us yearn for the past. If I have moved ahead in music to know there is more than one tune of this title I have not moved that far ahead of my yearnings.
I think I discovered what killed off pop music for grownups. Last week WFMU.org's blog posted 99 imitation-Tijuana Brass MP3s*. One cannot fathom why so many thought they could make money with pale imitations except for the profound success of the real thing. But the unofficial A&M fan site lists 287 fake TJB albums; God knows how many remain uncounted (at least one appears among these MP3s -- a Pickwick kiddie record). Worse it defines of bad music. There's a group called the Mariachi Brass with the drug-addled Chet Baker playing a pathetic flugelhorn; they recorded the Dating Game theme for Chuck Barris. There's the idiot Modernaires singing doggerel lyrics to instrumentals -- hard to believe this act made such memorable music with Glenn Miller. There's Peter Nero with a supremely arch "Spanish Flea" that makes Liberace into the paragon of good taste. The "comic" acts are the worst; they need a laugh track. Like Al Tijuana and his Jewish Brass, the misbegotten brainchild of Bob Booker and George Foster, who had success with gentle ethnic humor and brought in Lou Jacobi to provide drippy commentary to some studio fender benders of mariachi and klezmer. What was the point? To make fun of Herb Alpert's background? Or The Frivolous Five, a supposed group of elderly ladies, playing flat, very flat, intentionally flat, unfunnily flat; their cover art was the worst on record (no pun intended) until the rock era. (Their album was produced by one Bob Halley, author of a couple of minor pop hits who recorded -- Tony Conigliaro! He doesn't mention the Five in his Web site.) Coming atop the prodigious bossa nova fad so many bad albums wiped the slate clean of adults they made the victory of rock complete, defeating our culture.
*It actually posted 100 MP3s, and the hundredth is most interesting: a Union 76 jingle by the real Herb and the TJB, demonstrating he wasn't exactly blameless in his overexposure.
The man indicted, convicted and sentenced by NEWS HACKS as the Atlanta Olympic bomber, Richard Jewell, has died.
His name will live on as a reminder of JERNALISTIC ROT.
His name will live on as a reminder of JERNALISTIC ROT.
Having just been in their ALL-TIME BOX-OFFICE RECORD mode, hacks like Tourette, Tureen, whatever, turn on a dime and go into their IMMORTAL OSCAR®-WINNING GENIUS mode.
Same old phonies to me.
Yes, it is fall in Hollywood, and the Oscar race is on.
Yes, it is all year, and the upsucking never ends.
An ACADEMY AWARD®-WINNING NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to TOULOUSE!
Same old phonies to me.
Yes, it is fall in Hollywood, and the Oscar race is on.
Yes, it is all year, and the upsucking never ends.
An ACADEMY AWARD®-WINNING NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD to TOULOUSE!
A GREG clone says:
THE PRESS MUST TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING -- EVEN IF IT MEANS TELLING ONLY ONE SIDE OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!
But isn't that the news biz' traditional M. O. -- and mightn't it help explain why, on the MediaBistro home page that links to your leg-raising, there's also a link (right above yours) to a story on why newspapers are selling their real estate?
THE PRESS MUST TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING -- EVEN IF IT MEANS TELLING ONLY ONE SIDE OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!
But isn't that the news biz' traditional M. O. -- and mightn't it help explain why, on the MediaBistro home page that links to your leg-raising, there's also a link (right above yours) to a story on why newspapers are selling their real estate?
Roberto Goizueta, the late, legendary Chief Executive Officer [SIC] of Coca-Cola Co., fueled a 39- fold surge in the company's stock by relying on its flagship brand: Coke.
Roberto Goizueta introduced New Coke and laid a big fat egg because his sense of smell and taste buds were deadened by years of the smoking that killed him -- and eons after that 39-fold surge he will be remembered only for New Coke.
When can we get these HACK MORONS to stop calling CEOs LEGENDARY?!?!?
Roberto Goizueta introduced New Coke and laid a big fat egg because his sense of smell and taste buds were deadened by years of the smoking that killed him -- and eons after that 39-fold surge he will be remembered only for New Coke.
When can we get these HACK MORONS to stop calling CEOs LEGENDARY?!?!?
TRANSLATION: Manhattan needs lots of new ugly skyscrapers like they're building in Dubai and Beijing (and LONDON) to survive!
(Do you have to do this to us, ArtsJournal?)
(Do you have to do this to us, ArtsJournal?)
Even Jo-NAH calls Sleepy Gonzales a "feckless figurehead"!
And when the Frank Rich of the right says it, it must be so.
And when the Frank Rich of the right says it, it must be so.
In a fitting coda, the Queen of Mean left $12 million to her dog, which can only mean she hoped in the afterlife they could share a few fire hydrants together.
GEKKO KUDLOW is STILL crushed.
GEKKO KUDLOW is STILL crushed.
The problem is, the Big C has always been about people showing off -- be they JIM BOOM! BOOM! CRAMERS or LEGENDARY WELCHES or this preening coterie of faces. That people can take it seriously proves that "business news" can justify any farce.
(Via MediaBistro)
(Via MediaBistro)
"This is a first!"
We imagine it is -- the first time The Rolling Stones, sponsored by Geritol, have gotten a bad review. Handing out free tickets to ad-blurbists will do this.
"Superdrunk!"
What's wrong with reliving the glory days? Pfffffffffffffffft!
We imagine it is -- the first time The Rolling Stones, sponsored by Geritol, have gotten a bad review. Handing out free tickets to ad-blurbists will do this.
"Superdrunk!"
What's wrong with reliving the glory days? Pfffffffffffffffft!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Hed of the Week:
A&P Sues Brothers Over Vegetable Video
OR:
Two New Jersey brothers sacked from their grocery jobs for filming a gangsta rap parody at the store now face a defamation lawsuit from their former employer.
A&P claims the video by Mark and Matthew D'Avella motivated at least one "disgusted and distressed" customer to boycott the supermarket because of the video's "repulsive acts."...
The brothers -- styling themselves as a group called Fresh Beets -- stand with bananas suggestively hanging out of their pants at one point. One pretends to urinate on some greens.
The rap's refrain is a rhyming couplet: "It's all about the produce produce, we don't like to kid/It's the lower middle portion of the food pyramid."
The rap never mentions the food chain, but A&P said several lines were "disparaging and disgusting," including, "it ain't safe in our produce paradise." The song also uses an obscenity to describe cut fruit.
You kidding? This is a brilliant career move!
A&P Sues Brothers Over Vegetable Video
OR:
Two New Jersey brothers sacked from their grocery jobs for filming a gangsta rap parody at the store now face a defamation lawsuit from their former employer.
A&P claims the video by Mark and Matthew D'Avella motivated at least one "disgusted and distressed" customer to boycott the supermarket because of the video's "repulsive acts."...
The brothers -- styling themselves as a group called Fresh Beets -- stand with bananas suggestively hanging out of their pants at one point. One pretends to urinate on some greens.
The rap's refrain is a rhyming couplet: "It's all about the produce produce, we don't like to kid/It's the lower middle portion of the food pyramid."
The rap never mentions the food chain, but A&P said several lines were "disparaging and disgusting," including, "it ain't safe in our produce paradise." The song also uses an obscenity to describe cut fruit.
You kidding? This is a brilliant career move!
TRANSLATION: Free Republic's favorite "musician" may not be family-friendly.
"My reaction is he's a singer, not a politician, so shut up," said Agnes Steffens of Sioux Falls, SD.
A wise word to those -- talents of all persuasions.
(Via USAOKAY.com's On Deadline)
"My reaction is he's a singer, not a politician, so shut up," said Agnes Steffens of Sioux Falls, SD.
A wise word to those -- talents of all persuasions.
(Via USAOKAY.com's On Deadline)
Md. is richest state, census figures show
Three guesses.
And just how rich would it be without our first guess?
Three guesses.
And just how rich would it be without our first guess?
We should have known better than to be led by ESPNCorp Network News; Foot Tapper merely threw a tantrum. He is as proud as, say, The Great Alaskan Boar, and he wouldn't resign even if convicted.
Castro Votes for Clinton-Obama Ticket
Now that's an endorsement!
Castro's only reference to U.S. President George W. Bush in his latest essay was to say that he "needed fraud" to win Florida's electoral college votes and the presidency in the fiercely contested election in 2000.
Sounds like our kind of Democrat!
(Sorry for the NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Now that's an endorsement!
Castro's only reference to U.S. President George W. Bush in his latest essay was to say that he "needed fraud" to win Florida's electoral college votes and the presidency in the fiercely contested election in 2000.
Sounds like our kind of Democrat!
(Sorry for the NewsMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Gonzales's Exit Gives Democrats Advantage in White House Probes
Is this, pray tell, the same advantage they had in ending the war in Iraq?
Is this, pray tell, the same advantage they had in ending the war in Iraq?
BREAKING NEWS FROM ESPNCORP NETWORK NEWS.COM:
SEN. LARRY CRAIG'S, R-IDAHO, OFFICE SCHEDULES NEWS CONFERENCE FOR THIS AFTERNOON -- DEVELOPING... [DOUBLE SIC!]
I think Foot Tapper's outta here.
SEN. LARRY CRAIG'S, R-IDAHO, OFFICE SCHEDULES NEWS CONFERENCE FOR THIS AFTERNOON -- DEVELOPING... [DOUBLE SIC!]
I think Foot Tapper's outta here.
GENIUS IN ADVERTISING: HP launches a "$300 million campaign" to remind people of its nose-bleed prices in printer cartridges.
When H-P reported results for its fiscal third-quarter on Aug. 16, the printing and imaging group was responsible for $6.8 billion, or about 27%, of the company's total revenue for the period.
This made it the company's second-largest business unit in terms of revenue. But the printing division saw revenue grow only 8% from the same period last year - the lowest growth rate among H-P's business groups. Earnings from the group contributed 43% to the company's total pre-tax bottom line compared to 51% in the same period last year.
The rabble couldn't possibly be getting wise, could it?
When H-P reported results for its fiscal third-quarter on Aug. 16, the printing and imaging group was responsible for $6.8 billion, or about 27%, of the company's total revenue for the period.
This made it the company's second-largest business unit in terms of revenue. But the printing division saw revenue grow only 8% from the same period last year - the lowest growth rate among H-P's business groups. Earnings from the group contributed 43% to the company's total pre-tax bottom line compared to 51% in the same period last year.
The rabble couldn't possibly be getting wise, could it?
Now! At my HIP! HEP!! HOT!!! neighborhood Mickey D's -- the Fun Times Back-to-School Sticker Pack! With all sorts of neat stickers! Like "My Stuff"! "Great Job!" "WOW!" "Cool Fact"! "Keep Out"! (These bozos never think, do they.) "You Rock"! (With a profile of Ronny, who somehow puts me more in mind of Pat Boone.) "All right!" "HA!" "haha!" (sic) "I'm here!" "Printed in Argentina"! Well, that's not a sticker -- can't make it into one -- but the thought's kinda nice. By the way -- what's that six-inch (15cm) adhesive ruler for?
Also at my HIP! HEP!! HOT!!! Mickey D's, the help added to the recent renovation by decorating the floor around the soda machine and behind the counter with flattened corrugated boxes. HIP!
P. S. If I were fool enough to call the Mick's customer service line I'd hear, "Well, McDonald's is an international company, and...." MUST I repeat myself?
P. P. S. Is it me or is it the Mick's policy to no longer use trays for eat-in orders? At least it adds to the "40% post-consumer content" in its BAGS.
Also at my HIP! HEP!! HOT!!! Mickey D's, the help added to the recent renovation by decorating the floor around the soda machine and behind the counter with flattened corrugated boxes. HIP!
P. S. If I were fool enough to call the Mick's customer service line I'd hear, "Well, McDonald's is an international company, and...." MUST I repeat myself?
P. P. S. Is it me or is it the Mick's policy to no longer use trays for eat-in orders? At least it adds to the "40% post-consumer content" in its BAGS.
Someone like Larry Craig is reason enough not to frequent men's rooms.
Senator says his guilty plea was mistake
No Larry, I think tapping your foot was the mistake.
Senator says his guilty plea was mistake
No Larry, I think tapping your foot was the mistake.
Considering how few watched the Miss Teen USA Pageant an awful lot of people are talking about Miss South Carolina.
And considering what she said it would have been in her interests and ours if as few people had paid attention.
And considering what she said it would have been in her interests and ours if as few people had paid attention.
Ignorance of the law is no defense -- but if you're Yahoo!, Chinese law is defense against your ignorance.
"FREE SPEECH RIGHTS AS WE UNDERSTAND THEM IN THE UNITED STATES ARE NOT THE LAW IN CHINA!!" Yahoo said, "EVERY SOVEREIGN NATION HAS A RIGHT TO REGULATE SPEECH WITHIN ITS BORDERS!!!!!" [Foreign-affairs-savvy overemphasis added]
Better say it again: "Any big business that calls itself 'international' gives itself carte blanche to commit treason."
"FREE SPEECH RIGHTS AS WE UNDERSTAND THEM IN THE UNITED STATES ARE NOT THE LAW IN CHINA!!" Yahoo said, "EVERY SOVEREIGN NATION HAS A RIGHT TO REGULATE SPEECH WITHIN ITS BORDERS!!!!!" [Foreign-affairs-savvy overemphasis added]
Better say it again: "Any big business that calls itself 'international' gives itself carte blanche to commit treason."
Gonzales leaves a legacy that is meant to endure
What in God's name does this mean? We've had cronies and incompetents in high places before. Sleepy Gonzales won't be the last to share both traits. That "legacy" was cast in bronze from the beginning of our republic.
What in God's name does this mean? We've had cronies and incompetents in high places before. Sleepy Gonzales won't be the last to share both traits. That "legacy" was cast in bronze from the beginning of our republic.
'Is He Dead?' sets cast
1898 Mark Twain comedy recently unearthed
Knowing some of Twain's writing they may have to rebury it.
1898 Mark Twain comedy recently unearthed
Knowing some of Twain's writing they may have to rebury it.
Breaking news from THE MESS!
Report: Taliban to release 19 South Korean hostages held in Afghanistan.
Well! The world stands eternally grateful. And as we always ask at times like these -- how much did it cost?
Report: Taliban to release 19 South Korean hostages held in Afghanistan.
Well! The world stands eternally grateful. And as we always ask at times like these -- how much did it cost?
Considering this was one of the top stories today in our Daily Babbitt now would be a good time for someone with deep pockets to plaster billboards all over our area with this question: "Who needs the daily paper?"
Monday, August 27, 2007
"$4 billion." "$75 million." When the news hacks start speaking in numbers about their show-biz faves we really should grab at our wallets. The hack loves to boast of his numbers because he thinks they confer credibility to his favorites; just his very reporting of them makes them instantly credible. Remember Wacko Jacko's "billion-dollar" deal? Remember all the hundreds of millions Horace, er, Stein allegedly got from the DOG Star? If we could total all the billions who've allegedly watched the Olympics, the Super Bore, the World Cup and the Oscars® in all the press releases thereon and turn them into dollars we'd wallow in permanent billionairedom. But then if each such press release were a flight to a distant solar system we could send every news hack there.
In more proof of the EARTH-STRADDLING MEGAOMNIPOTENCE OF THE WEB'S WALTER WINCHELL -- and that SUPERADAM!!!!! is full of it:
Where was Breitbart?
| Re: Alberto - Monday, August 27, 2007 @ 9:39:35 AM | ||
 | Here is it, 9:35 a.m., and Drudge still hasn't mentioned Gonzales. Posted By: Wlady |
Where was Breitbart?
And elsewhere on the home page of the WaPost, our Understatement of the Month:
Va. Tech Shooter Had Disorder
Va. Tech Shooter Had Disorder
Turkey's presidential election proves that Muslim political parties can be moderate and liberal. [Home-page squib]
Yes -- but can they be Muslim?
Yes -- but can they be Muslim?
To promote its freshman Monday-night computer-geek show, Chuck, NBC dispatched the premiere to iTunes, Yahoo, Amazon.com and cable operators.
If that wasn’t enough, it plastered show images on popcorn bags and cardboard cutouts in theaters and inserted pop-up ads of the show’s fictional “Buy More” stores in Rolling Stone.
NBC is also wrapping New York’s Times Square subway shuttle with Chuck graphics, giving out preview DVDs at Circuit City and launching a new customizable Web site designed to mock the desktop of the show’s titular character, with e-mail, photos, games and videos and music from the series.
And who wants to bet it still bombs?
If that wasn’t enough, it plastered show images on popcorn bags and cardboard cutouts in theaters and inserted pop-up ads of the show’s fictional “Buy More” stores in Rolling Stone.
NBC is also wrapping New York’s Times Square subway shuttle with Chuck graphics, giving out preview DVDs at Circuit City and launching a new customizable Web site designed to mock the desktop of the show’s titular character, with e-mail, photos, games and videos and music from the series.
And who wants to bet it still bombs?
Acer To Acquire Gateway For $710 Million
TRANSLATION: We're getting closer to two or three companies in the PC biz, if we aren't there already.
TRANSLATION: We're getting closer to two or three companies in the PC biz, if we aren't there already.
EXCITEMENT AT SLASHDOT!!!!!
Steven Weintraub writes
Steven Weintraub writes
"Susan Sarandon talks about the Wachowski Brothers Speed Racer movie and confirms the revolutionary way the brothers are making the film — the entire frame will be in focus LIKE A CARTOON!!!!!!!!!!" [Wile E. Coyote-hand-rubbing overemphasis added]WOW!!!!!!!!!! When does Slash become the official year-round site of COMIC-CON?
The thumb is to the blatherskite Roger what the trademark is to Money Honey®. By throwing this tantrum Rog has taken care of the goodwill he built up during his dreadful illness, and he further reminds us what an industry sycophant he is, and that he'll make more unjustified millions for plastering his name above the title.
P. S. at 11:33 a. m. Now the blatherskite has e-mailed ROMY pleading his readers' understanding. Oh yes Rog, we understand -- what a DOLLAR SIGN is.
By the way Rog, now that you've trademarked THUMBS® does that mean we have to pay you for our use of them?
P. S. at 11:33 a. m. Now the blatherskite has e-mailed ROMY pleading his readers' understanding. Oh yes Rog, we understand -- what a DOLLAR SIGN is.
By the way Rog, now that you've trademarked THUMBS® does that mean we have to pay you for our use of them?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The maddening thing about today's news biz is that everything has to be expressed in boldface. Thus as if answering the table-pounding hyperbole of the Web's fifth-rate WALTER WINCHELL impersonator MATT the HIP! HEP! HOT! ADAM!!!!!!!!!!'s rag proclaims him "THE WALTER CRONKITE OF HIS ERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" when the truth is he hasn't broken a big story in ages, and the only people who swear by him are the knee-jerks at con-SER-va-tive sites like NRO, who must consult him before they can determine if a story is legitimate. I haven't consulted WALTER!!!!!!!!!! in ages, and I'm no less well informed. (Indeed I'd say I'm better informed because I avoid his mind-bending biases and his penchant for screaming PR.) That so many use him as an excuse for the bad jernalism of our time indicates that maybe they haven't done enough introspection.
P. S. To the extent Alexa.com can be trusted -- and the big if is that it's a self-selecting sample -- WALTER!!!!! pulls in fewer hits than the sites breathless ADAM!!!!! insists he bests.
P. S. To the extent Alexa.com can be trusted -- and the big if is that it's a self-selecting sample -- WALTER!!!!! pulls in fewer hits than the sites breathless ADAM!!!!! insists he bests.
The fine art of debate in sports:
After the game, Myers got into a shouting match with a reporter and had to be restrained by teammate Pat Burrell.
When Myers was asked about the two home runs, he said they were really "just pop ups."
A reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer questioned whether Myers really thought they were pop ups, and Myers got angry.
"You're not even a beat reporter, you're a fill-in, you don't know anything about baseball," said Myers, who then called the reporter "retarded."
The Inquirer reporter asked if Myers could spell retarded, and Myers stood up. Burrell then restrained Myers, and Myers refused to speak any further.
Good for him -- because then he would have had to spell "retarded."
After the game, Myers got into a shouting match with a reporter and had to be restrained by teammate Pat Burrell.
When Myers was asked about the two home runs, he said they were really "just pop ups."
A reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer questioned whether Myers really thought they were pop ups, and Myers got angry.
"You're not even a beat reporter, you're a fill-in, you don't know anything about baseball," said Myers, who then called the reporter "retarded."
The Inquirer reporter asked if Myers could spell retarded, and Myers stood up. Burrell then restrained Myers, and Myers refused to speak any further.
Good for him -- because then he would have had to spell "retarded."