THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, December 18, 2004
BRANSON: MY PLOT TO STOP IRAQ WAR
Tycoon planned to fly Mandela into Iraq to persuade Saddam into exile
Sorry, many virgins do it better.
Tycoon planned to fly Mandela into Iraq to persuade Saddam into exile
Sorry, many virgins do it better.
What is the difference between a multinational like, say, Unilever and Frankenstein's monster?
Many con-SER-va-tives would liken multinationals to JESUS.
Many con-SER-va-tives would liken multinationals to JESUS.
We might feel sorry for this very popular graphical novelist -- er, COMIC BOOK creator -- who's filed for bankruptcy until we jump to the bottom of the story:
In 1999, McFarlane paid $3 million for Mark McGwire's 70th home-run baseball. He also paid $450,000 last year for Barry Bonds' record 73rd home-run ball and owns Sammy Sosa's 66th home-run ball.
Be careful, Todd. They might be covered with STEROIDS.
In 1999, McFarlane paid $3 million for Mark McGwire's 70th home-run baseball. He also paid $450,000 last year for Barry Bonds' record 73rd home-run ball and owns Sammy Sosa's 66th home-run ball.
Be careful, Todd. They might be covered with STEROIDS.
Oops! THE PAPER OF RE-CORD admits the LEAGUE OF NATIONS may be ADDING TO THE FUN in CONGO.
No, I don't think the pigs are in V formation over midtown Manhattan yet.
No, I don't think the pigs are in V formation over midtown Manhattan yet.
Seeing lots of very cutely attired young girls coming out the Academy of Music after a Nutcracker matinee, I thought, they won't dress up again until they're married -- if then.
WE DEMS WANT ANSWERS FROM RUMSFELD ON ARMOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No doubt many asking the questions don't know what armor is -- they probably think it's those neat metal suits worn by knights -- but by gum they (and CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES!) are gonna get ANSWERS!
No doubt many asking the questions don't know what armor is -- they probably think it's those neat metal suits worn by knights -- but by gum they (and CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES!) are gonna get ANSWERS!
The right's favorite dictator needs some get-well wishes.
In a rare slip of his keyboard, Victor Davis Hanson wrote:
[I]t is also time to take a hard look at the heroes and villains of Hollywood, liberal Democrats, and the Euro elites. Many are as obsessed with damning the senile dictator of Chile as they are with excusing the unelected President for Life Fidel Castro. But let us be frank. A murderous Pinochet probably killed fewer of his own than did a mass-murdering Castro, and left Chile in better shape than contemporary Cuba is in. And the former is long gone, while the latter is still long in power.
This is not frank. (When a writer uses politicospeak he is definitely not being "frank.") Mr. Hanson forgets that conservatives had a feckless tradition of condoning dictators, most notably with Hitler. Pinochet's brutality became such that even Ronald Reagan had to acknowledge it, but then in the form of Ms. Ambassador Kirkpatrick's silent -- er, "QUIET diplomacy." At least Jimmy Carter, for his manifold flaws, had the right idea: he wanted a moral foreign policy. Of course who could know what his definition of "morality" would be. The surpassing glibness of liberals in endorsing Castro does not excuse the conservatives' past failures of will, and of the heart.
In a rare slip of his keyboard, Victor Davis Hanson wrote:
[I]t is also time to take a hard look at the heroes and villains of Hollywood, liberal Democrats, and the Euro elites. Many are as obsessed with damning the senile dictator of Chile as they are with excusing the unelected President for Life Fidel Castro. But let us be frank. A murderous Pinochet probably killed fewer of his own than did a mass-murdering Castro, and left Chile in better shape than contemporary Cuba is in. And the former is long gone, while the latter is still long in power.
This is not frank. (When a writer uses politicospeak he is definitely not being "frank.") Mr. Hanson forgets that conservatives had a feckless tradition of condoning dictators, most notably with Hitler. Pinochet's brutality became such that even Ronald Reagan had to acknowledge it, but then in the form of Ms. Ambassador Kirkpatrick's silent -- er, "QUIET diplomacy." At least Jimmy Carter, for his manifold flaws, had the right idea: he wanted a moral foreign policy. Of course who could know what his definition of "morality" would be. The surpassing glibness of liberals in endorsing Castro does not excuse the conservatives' past failures of will, and of the heart.
As we expose the Parents Television Council and its henchmen at the FCC as censors trying to foist their unconstitutional religious agenda on the rest of America....
Interesting use of the editorial WE, STERNO. Who's WE? Does it include The TWXSTERS, ESPNCorp, VIACON, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!, GE Bancorp, CONCAST, Sony, TRIB, GanNETt, the recorded-music conspiracy, SAMMY GLICKMAN, the whole nine yards?
You, BRENT -- one Ka-CHING!!!!! does not sound different from another.
I must stay away from SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS who say the same blasted things all the time -- and that, sadly, includes nearly all of them.
Interesting use of the editorial WE, STERNO. Who's WE? Does it include The TWXSTERS, ESPNCorp, VIACON, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!, GE Bancorp, CONCAST, Sony, TRIB, GanNETt, the recorded-music conspiracy, SAMMY GLICKMAN, the whole nine yards?
You, BRENT -- one Ka-CHING!!!!! does not sound different from another.
I must stay away from SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS who say the same blasted things all the time -- and that, sadly, includes nearly all of them.
Found this one on THE FREEP -- YET ANOTHER DEFINITION OF BLITHERING IDIOT:
A NEW CHAPTER IS BEING WRITTEN IN AMERICAN HISTORY, THE THEME OF WHICH IS "DIRTY DIVERSITY"!!!!! NON-WHITE FACES HAVE BEEN HIRED FOR BIG-TICKET JOBS SO THAT A BLACK WOMAN VOUCHES FOR AN UNJUST WAR, A BLACK MAN DEFENDS IT, ONE HISPANIC JUSTIFIES THE USE OF TORTURE WHILE ANOTHER SUPERVISES THE SLAUGHTER OF FOREIGN CIVILIANS, AND A VIETNAMESE REFUGEE WRITES THE LAW TO MAIM AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The name's Khan. Ali Khan. I wonder who could throw the better tantrum -- you or a three-year-old? I say you win hands down.
P. S. LIAQUAT Ali Khan. You know anyone in Pakistan, LIAQUAT?
A NEW CHAPTER IS BEING WRITTEN IN AMERICAN HISTORY, THE THEME OF WHICH IS "DIRTY DIVERSITY"!!!!! NON-WHITE FACES HAVE BEEN HIRED FOR BIG-TICKET JOBS SO THAT A BLACK WOMAN VOUCHES FOR AN UNJUST WAR, A BLACK MAN DEFENDS IT, ONE HISPANIC JUSTIFIES THE USE OF TORTURE WHILE ANOTHER SUPERVISES THE SLAUGHTER OF FOREIGN CIVILIANS, AND A VIETNAMESE REFUGEE WRITES THE LAW TO MAIM AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The name's Khan. Ali Khan. I wonder who could throw the better tantrum -- you or a three-year-old? I say you win hands down.
P. S. LIAQUAT Ali Khan. You know anyone in Pakistan, LIAQUAT?
Or as George Soros would say, "Zeee! I told you this vvvar was vvvaged by a NAZZZZI government!"
But as proof that we Americans can turn the other cheek (and that JIMBAKERISM is alive and well and living in Bush's cabinet) we sell the Cubans $125 million in farm goods. Somebody's smiling today!
Friday, December 17, 2004
"Public" radio's goin' ROCK-'N'-ROLL!!!!!!!!!! BUT....
Although a stated goal of [Minneapolis "public" station WCAL's new] format [something that must be called Adult Album Alternative, which someone's described as "watered-down folk-rock and HORDE-iness with a side order of Steely Dan, Dire Straits and Peter Gabriel"] is to attract younger listeners, WXPN [executive Bruce] Warren calls that hope "a myth." The average age of his listeners is 46, compared with 52 for his rival National Public Radio affiliate.
The time has come to pull ALL taxpayer support of "public" broadcasting of any kind, and just let it be what it wants to be: condescendingly COMMERCIAL.
Although a stated goal of [Minneapolis "public" station WCAL's new] format [something that must be called Adult Album Alternative, which someone's described as "watered-down folk-rock and HORDE-iness with a side order of Steely Dan, Dire Straits and Peter Gabriel"] is to attract younger listeners, WXPN [executive Bruce] Warren calls that hope "a myth." The average age of his listeners is 46, compared with 52 for his rival National Public Radio affiliate.
The time has come to pull ALL taxpayer support of "public" broadcasting of any kind, and just let it be what it wants to be: condescendingly COMMERCIAL.
I'd have ignored this story about how THE GREATEST DIRECTOR IN FILM HISTORY has given up on a Dean Martin biopic (or a "DEANO" flick, as they insist on calling him at ZAP2IT.com, as though Dino were Mr. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!) except for this line:
At one point, Scorsese says he had convinced Tom Hanks to play the part of the Rat Pack ringleader who caroused and partied in Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
Hmmm, what did Peter Bogdanovich say the other day, hmmmmm?
"Think about it - Tom Hanks is a very good actor and so is Tom Cruise, but what is a 'Tom Cruise film'? It could be anything," he said.
"Do me a Tom Cruise impression - you can't do it. So you don't know exactly what that is."
The un-imitable Tom Hanks doing the inimitable Dino. Yep, I see why THE GREATEST DIRECTOR IN FILM HISTORY ditched it.
At one point, Scorsese says he had convinced Tom Hanks to play the part of the Rat Pack ringleader who caroused and partied in Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
Hmmm, what did Peter Bogdanovich say the other day, hmmmmm?
"Think about it - Tom Hanks is a very good actor and so is Tom Cruise, but what is a 'Tom Cruise film'? It could be anything," he said.
"Do me a Tom Cruise impression - you can't do it. So you don't know exactly what that is."
The un-imitable Tom Hanks doing the inimitable Dino. Yep, I see why THE GREATEST DIRECTOR IN FILM HISTORY ditched it.
THE CORNER is SWARMING with people still mad at FDR nearly SIXTY YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH. They say the New Deal didn't end the Great Depression. Maybe it didn't. But Americans had a chance to try something else. They could have re-elected HERBERT HOOVER.
One could fulminate about this evil murder only to stop fulminating upon the realization that there will be others just as evil.
That the baby is okay must be chalked up to the grace of God.
That the baby is okay must be chalked up to the grace of God.
Excluding homeland security and emergencies like hurricanes, domestic spending has grown by 27% since Bush took office in 2001.
"I really do believe that this White House gets it," said Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., a leading House conservative.
Yeah. Just like the river gets it after the dam's burst. Good luck, Dubya.
"I really do believe that this White House gets it," said Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., a leading House conservative.
Yeah. Just like the river gets it after the dam's burst. Good luck, Dubya.
Hey FX! I got a BRILLIANT idea: sell your ELVISCORP stock on eBay!!!!!
And make USAOKAY!!!!! its OFFICIAL P. R. AGENCY!
P. S. Never mind eBay. I smell a RAT. PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
And make USAOKAY!!!!! its OFFICIAL P. R. AGENCY!
P. S. Never mind eBay. I smell a RAT. PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
But don't the HOMELESS have the CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to SLEEP WHEREVER THEY WANT, even if it poses a threat to THEMSELVES?
When you SECEDE, CONFEDERATE STATES OF KNEE-JERK LIBERALISM, you may want to draft a RIGHT into your new CONSTITUTION granting the power of EMINENT DOMAIN to BAGMEN.
When you SECEDE, CONFEDERATE STATES OF KNEE-JERK LIBERALISM, you may want to draft a RIGHT into your new CONSTITUTION granting the power of EMINENT DOMAIN to BAGMEN.
Guard Reports Serious Drop in Enlistment
PINCH, you ready? One, two, three -- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
PINCH, you ready? One, two, three -- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
OOOOOOooooooooooooooh, reactionaries -- VOTE to punish a school supe for removing a nativity scene.
So, how do we put 'em in their PLACE, PINCH?
I guess that's why Chuck Krauthammer wrote this.
So, how do we put 'em in their PLACE, PINCH?
I guess that's why Chuck Krauthammer wrote this.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
THE LEFTIST NONPARTISAN WHINEY BROCK CHALLENGES THE NO-SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN SPIN ZONE TO A DUEL!
GO FOR IT!!!!!
GO FOR IT!!!!!
I should have known the London ad-blurb copywriters would have gone bonkers for this one, for several reasons: first off, the West End is a tourist trap just behind Broadway that has become the very definition of BAD. Second, it's seen more profitable days and obviously needs the lift of a few well-timed adjectives. Third, titans of industry like Lord Lloud Wubbish and Lord Schlockintosh shipped hundreds of thousands of tons of heavy machinery to the Main Stem, efficient in its day and long-lasting but in the end prone to total failure and unsalvageable. This sounds like another attempt to restart the British export trade. Fourth, having seen their empire reduced from globe-straddling to telly-gazing the British obsessively feel the need for a domestic pick-me-up. And fifth, some very hyperactive scribblers were obliged to prove once again that old saw that the British news hack need not be bribed.
Sen. Lott: Rumsfeld Should Go 'at Some Point'
TIDAL WAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caveat: It's a NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TIDAL WAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caveat: It's a NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Read this article and think, what if the Swedes had colonized America?
They couldn't have. They'd have been too busy shacking up.
They couldn't have. They'd have been too busy shacking up.
Plant to Make Clean Power from Turkey Droppings
Now if we could just do the same thing with show-biz droppings we'd be energy-self-sufficient.
Now if we could just do the same thing with show-biz droppings we'd be energy-self-sufficient.
POWER LINE and HUGH HEWITT are EXCITED because THE BLOGOSPHERE!!!!! has DECIMATED MR. MARK'S ARTICLE ABOUT JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet reading Hugh I get the feeling it's just more people firing ammo at a BIGMEDIA target that turns mid-air into harmless blanks; Hugh gives no evidence BLUNDER rag's changed its tune. He forgets BIGMEDIA is a miles-high fortress surrounded by an miles-wide impenetrable moat of prejudices and cash. For all practical purposes VIACON hasn't even responded to BLATHERGATE yet. The tools of our democracy are in our hands, but concentrated media power can still render them worthless.
I must confess I was deked by MR. MARK'S PRETTY COVER. That's the last time THAT happens.
I must confess I was deked by MR. MARK'S PRETTY COVER. That's the last time THAT happens.
As the cost of cameras and digital storage approaches zero, is it inevitable that every machine you interact with will take your photograph and store it?
It would SEEM that way, wouldn't it.
It would SEEM that way, wouldn't it.
2004: The Year of 'The Passion'
With you, GLIBERAL, EVERY DAY'S a passion.
Honest, we must ignore this guy, like the litter on the sidewalk. Although occasionally we throw that in the trash.
P. S. I see whenever his column appears so does his lovely mug. I wonder what kind of tantrum THAT took.
With you, GLIBERAL, EVERY DAY'S a passion.
Honest, we must ignore this guy, like the litter on the sidewalk. Although occasionally we throw that in the trash.
P. S. I see whenever his column appears so does his lovely mug. I wonder what kind of tantrum THAT took.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Meantime in real-life music news, the insuperable genius FRANK WIIIIIIIIIIIIILDHORN is running frantically about trying to produce an album of his soon-to-be undearly-departed noodle Dracula the Musical -- and is willing to earn the legal wrath of Actors Equity and his producers (including CHEAP CHANNEL!) to do it. Hasn't this guy heard the old chestnut "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?" (I think it predates "Shine On, Harvest Moon.")
"I tried desperately to get us a cast album recording deal," Wildhorn wrote. "I have been turned down by every major label that could even afford to do it."
Guess not.
"I tried desperately to get us a cast album recording deal," Wildhorn wrote. "I have been turned down by every major label that could even afford to do it."
Guess not.
I once regarded Ol' Blue as a lucky Hoboken bum with quixotic ways, Mafia friends and a sordid love life. I'm still not in awe of the mere mortal, yet tonight I was playing one of his songs -- the Cahn-Van Heusen "To Love and Be Loved" (on The Complete Capitol Singles) -- and I cried. I have not even opened the sixteen albums of Concepts yet. Odd, I've heard Blue many times, but as mere background music or badly reproduced. Most people first caught his tunes on AM radio or treble-heavy portables or those rinky-dink RCA 45 players and probably didn't know what they were hearing. Listening on a really good stereo you must confront his songs as he intended.
I bring this up because today was a (or AN) HISTORIC day in Vegas: the jinglemeister and Bette accompanist Mr. Manilow announced a deal (RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! provided the suitable fantasy number of $60 million, whether real or fake they care not a whit) in which he appears at the Hilton for 24 weeks with dancing and lots of figurative hugging. I can't imagine crying at the Barry doing such LEGENDARY TUNES as "You Deserve a Break Today" or "State Farm is There", or those overmiked overproduced two-note affairs in which he taught Billy Joel how to "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-WAH!!!!!" (or was it the other way around?) -- or even at "Copacabana," which some proud virtual Hilton flack grandly tells us is back in a "dance remix" (ugh) -- but I can imagine myself laughing, or wincing.
I bring this up because today was a (or AN) HISTORIC day in Vegas: the jinglemeister and Bette accompanist Mr. Manilow announced a deal (RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! provided the suitable fantasy number of $60 million, whether real or fake they care not a whit) in which he appears at the Hilton for 24 weeks with dancing and lots of figurative hugging. I can't imagine crying at the Barry doing such LEGENDARY TUNES as "You Deserve a Break Today" or "State Farm is There", or those overmiked overproduced two-note affairs in which he taught Billy Joel how to "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-WAH!!!!!" (or was it the other way around?) -- or even at "Copacabana," which some proud virtual Hilton flack grandly tells us is back in a "dance remix" (ugh) -- but I can imagine myself laughing, or wincing.
OooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooh, Billy "The Puppeteer" Kristol wants "a better defense secretary than the one we have"!!!!!
So it may no LONGER be PC to demand his resignation!
So it may no LONGER be PC to demand his resignation!
WELL! Billy SLEAZEBALL Tauzin saw the light (and the green) and decided after all to take that job to help BIG DRUGS charge even more! This will definitely make up for not being able to pass his seat to his son hereditarily, and son can now look forward to a BIG PAYDAY of his own.
Another slowly-burning fuse toward the eventual end of GOP control.
Another slowly-burning fuse toward the eventual end of GOP control.
If THE RIGHT-WING GLIBERAL's scribble is typical it appears Beltway con-SER-va-tives are mad at what DC's city council did, largely because they're hoping for season tickets.
This is why people have no respect for hard-core partisans: it's simply a question OF WHO GETS THE REDISTRIBUTED WEALTH.
This is why people have no respect for hard-core partisans: it's simply a question OF WHO GETS THE REDISTRIBUTED WEALTH.
Immigration Anxiety in Europe
Why are Europeans in such a state of anxiety about multiculturalism?
Only THE PAPER OF RE-CORD would ask THAT kind of question posting THAT kind of picture.
Sharon Stone Claims She Has Never Had a Facelift
Somehow FACE is the not the first word that comes to MY mind.
Somehow FACE is the not the first word that comes to MY mind.
BILL GETS HIP!
It may not be quite as flattering as filling in for the president or a Supreme Court justice. But being called on to substitute for Dick Clark in Times Square on New Year's Eve is almost as impressive.
SHUT UP, BILL!
By the way, how many stories have you done on the prospect of someone FILLING IN for BILL REHNQUIST NEXT MONTH?
It may not be quite as flattering as filling in for the president or a Supreme Court justice. But being called on to substitute for Dick Clark in Times Square on New Year's Eve is almost as impressive.
SHUT UP, BILL!
By the way, how many stories have you done on the prospect of someone FILLING IN for BILL REHNQUIST NEXT MONTH?
Oooooooooh, one of Tony Blair's cabinet is being PRESSURED TO RESIGN because he -- SANG A SONG! AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY!! AND "FELT LIKE CELEBRATING" THE DEATH OF HAROLD SHIPMAN!
I know it's more than that, but it appears I they have a pretty advanced case of STEWARTITIS over there too.
I know it's more than that, but it appears I they have a pretty advanced case of STEWARTITIS over there too.
ANOTHER LOUDMOUTH ON FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS -- AND HIS NAME IS ZELL!!!!!
Just what cable news needs.
Just what cable news needs.
BIG-LEAGUE NEUHARTHISM, POLITICAL SPIN DIVISION: THE DEMOCRATIC NATIO -- USAOKAY!!!!! SAYS THE DEMS PICKED UP SIXTY SEATS IN STATE LEGISLATURES NATIONWIDE!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or as the saying goes, to every bird-cage liner there's a silver lining.
P. S. Sixty seats divided by fifty states equals 1.2 seats per state. The only thing better would be to RAVE CLINT'S NEW ANNUAL MASTERPIECE!
AND WE DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What news hacks don't spin, they sell.
Or as the saying goes, to every bird-cage liner there's a silver lining.
P. S. Sixty seats divided by fifty states equals 1.2 seats per state. The only thing better would be to RAVE CLINT'S NEW ANNUAL MASTERPIECE!
AND WE DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What news hacks don't spin, they sell.
OH oh, DC's city council wants PRIVATE ENTERPRISE to PAY FOR HALF OF IT!
Better DO THE SHAKEDOWN, ZELIG SELIG!
Wanna bet the WAPOST wants it MAYPO?????
Better DO THE SHAKEDOWN, ZELIG SELIG!
Wanna bet the WAPOST wants it MAYPO?????
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
One of the many things that makes THE PAPER OF RE-CORD such a deserving bull's eye of ridicule is that its scribblers spend so much of their time seeking out opportunities to posture and preen. Today A. O. with B. O. says he has seen -- well, we won't say God, as God is PINCH, but he has seen His SON, and today His name is CLINT, and He has made ANOTHER GREATEST MOVIE OF THE -- YEAR -- or as A. O. with B. O. MUST enunciate it, "the best movie released by a major Hollywood studio this year." What makes this posturing so exasperating is that of course it's part of the cheap obsessive publicity surrounding the ARTHOUSE PICTURE OF THE YEAR AWARDS -- or rather, the OSCARS®, and compounding the agony is that THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.com has been PLASTERED for seeming MONTHS with ads (from RUPERT!!!!!!!!!! Amazing how EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL becomes best friends!) for that CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE about an ENDURING TRUTH TELLER OF SEX, and it has BOMBED AT THE BOX OFFICE, and there can be no doubt that yet again the five MASTERWORKS anointed this year with OSCAR® nominations will have been seen by fewer people than see the leading PIECE OF JUNK on any given day of any summer weekend. (That this current expression of BRILLIANCE is just another ARTHOUSE FLICK A. O. admits in the line, "a quiet, intimately scaled three-person drama directed in a patient, easygoing style," and if we misinterpret these words as meaning OVERBLOWN BORE, well, we can't help it, such words coming naturally from OVERBLOWN BORES THEMSELVES.) In short, NEWS HACKS are ENGAGED in what used to be called SELF-ABUSE yet again, and in the process do still more ABUSE to THEIR READERS -- AND TO OUR CULTURE.
And when the ratings for the 2005 OSCAR® ceremony hit new record lows, typists like A. O. with B. O., who without the slightest prompting would otherwise scream of the biz' burgeoning GENIUS, will inflict long think pieces on their consumers, wondering WHITHER HOLLYWOOD -- when among the LAST victims of their typing, but the most deserving, are THEMSELVES.
And when the ratings for the 2005 OSCAR® ceremony hit new record lows, typists like A. O. with B. O., who without the slightest prompting would otherwise scream of the biz' burgeoning GENIUS, will inflict long think pieces on their consumers, wondering WHITHER HOLLYWOOD -- when among the LAST victims of their typing, but the most deserving, are THEMSELVES.
ASNE Plans Membership Drive to Combat Steady Slide
What? No red-blooded true-Blue-Country effete snobs to SAVE THE WORLD?
What? No red-blooded true-Blue-Country effete snobs to SAVE THE WORLD?
Bill Buckley has won a libel suit against Esquire and Gore Vidal, a case where you could say there are no winners.
"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue....But the hand, that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest --no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now! She must say 'No, Hoyt' and talk to him like a dog...."
Yes I think prose like this DOES deserve an award, don't you?
"Ghastly and boring," said the award presenters. TRANSLATION: Bad books can get published with "good" names.
P. S. The book's American cover:
The book's BRITISH cover:
Under these circumstances it would behoove those who've praised the book extravagantly because the author's CON-SER-VA-TIVE to SHUT UP.
Yes I think prose like this DOES deserve an award, don't you?
"Ghastly and boring," said the award presenters. TRANSLATION: Bad books can get published with "good" names.
P. S. The book's American cover:
The book's BRITISH cover:
Under these circumstances it would behoove those who've praised the book extravagantly because the author's CON-SER-VA-TIVE to SHUT UP.
Those who put up decorations make society better
Just so long as those don't put up a thousand Santas and 20 million strings of lights that cause traffic jams for miles.
Just so long as those don't put up a thousand Santas and 20 million strings of lights that cause traffic jams for miles.
Monday, December 13, 2004
SHORTLY AFTER THROWING HIS HAT IN THE RING FOR 2008, SEN. MIGHTY MOUSE McPAIN CALLS FOR RUMMY'S RESIGNATION WITHOUT CALLING FOR IT!
Remember the K-----g F--e!
Remember the K-----g F--e!
A QUINTUPLE RASHOMON: Our wouldn't-be Director of Feuding Brueaucracies and Terrorism Color Codes apparently had affairs with, among others, Judith Regan. RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! isn't reporting this, natch, and now ROMY gets all excited because somebody's pointed this out in an e-mail, and now his whole slanting readership must be excited because they can pull a great big GOTCHA on a slimebucket because of his POLITICS, using SLEAZE as their EXCUSE -- KENNEDY REDUX.
In American news, more than ever, TRUTH IS THE FIRST CASUALTY.
In American news, more than ever, TRUTH IS THE FIRST CASUALTY.
MOORE ENCOURAGES MENTAL ILLNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Moore hits bottom, crashes through the floorboards, and bores through the Earth’s mantle, headed for the core like a bloated black hole of massive, gravity-warping schtoopidity.
I'm thinking THE GLIBERAL isn't the only one who imitates a stroke in the mirror.
Michael Moore hits bottom, crashes through the floorboards, and bores through the Earth’s mantle, headed for the core like a bloated black hole of massive, gravity-warping schtoopidity.
I'm thinking THE GLIBERAL isn't the only one who imitates a stroke in the mirror.
A FILM NOBODY'S HEARD OF IS STAMPEDING ITS WAY TO AN OSCAR®!
Well, now people HAVE heard of it.
Movies that nobody's heard of with actors whose faces you can't remember -- YES ad-blurb copywriters, we ARE entering a MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF FILM!!!!!
P. S. An NRO hack praises it, so it can't be that good. (NOTE: It's a RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Well, now people HAVE heard of it.
Movies that nobody's heard of with actors whose faces you can't remember -- YES ad-blurb copywriters, we ARE entering a MEGAPLATINUM AGE OF FILM!!!!!
P. S. An NRO hack praises it, so it can't be that good. (NOTE: It's a RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Someone puts a judge up for sale on eBay -- and all he gets is $127.50.
How revoltin'. He should've gotten $200.
How revoltin'. He should've gotten $200.
COMMIES KEEP PICKING ON OUR HERO AUGUSTO!!!!!
Maybe because Augusto picked on lots of people smaller than he.
Maybe because Augusto picked on lots of people smaller than he.
When attending Hollywood premieres and award ceremonies, publicists follow the golden rule of the red carpet:
Stay out of the shot.
Purest horse hockey from USAOKAY!!!!!, whose Pat Kingsleys HOG THE LENS.
Stay out of the shot.
Purest horse hockey from USAOKAY!!!!!, whose Pat Kingsleys HOG THE LENS.
On "short notice," Regis makes an ass of himself:
"It's the greatest 'temp job' in the world. I just hope I can uphold the standards Dick Clark has set for this annual event, and I look forward to his return next year."
And it takes very high standards to be able to say, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"
"It's the greatest 'temp job' in the world. I just hope I can uphold the standards Dick Clark has set for this annual event, and I look forward to his return next year."
And it takes very high standards to be able to say, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"
To his credit, Peter Bogdanovich didn't blame corporate bean counters.
"Do me a Tom Cruise impression - you can't do it."
True, although I suspect a few people could do a pretty good impression of Tom playing with his E-Meter.
"Stella Adler used to say, 'don't take the work home with you... you'll go crazy'. She was right."
So now actors drive US crazy.
"Do me a Tom Cruise impression - you can't do it."
True, although I suspect a few people could do a pretty good impression of Tom playing with his E-Meter.
"Stella Adler used to say, 'don't take the work home with you... you'll go crazy'. She was right."
So now actors drive US crazy.
Sometime around 1995, Republicans in Washington stopped using the term "Beltway Bandits."
And this is why the GOP will crash to earth -- not now, not soon, but eventually.
And this is why the GOP will crash to earth -- not now, not soon, but eventually.
When will the NEWS HACKS pull their KREMLIN REHABILITATION ROUTINE with MICKEYMOUSE NIXON? The stock's been up for two years. Never mind that it's about where it was when the DEAL OF THE MILLENNIUM was broached. And never mind that MICKEYMOUSE's rep has been atomized in the wide circle where KEN FELATTA doesn't eat. No, there's nothing like giving an SOB a second act -- especially when he's OUR SOB.
IDIOT MANAGERIAL BUZZWORD QUOTE OF THE MONTH, from some me-me-me named DONCHIN, who's an AD BUYER:
"It's all good with this show. We love water-cooler shows that become appointment television."
YOU FORGOT "BRANDING."
IDIOT MANAGERIAL BUZZWORD QUOTE OF THE MONTH, from some me-me-me named DONCHIN, who's an AD BUYER:
"It's all good with this show. We love water-cooler shows that become appointment television."
YOU FORGOT "BRANDING."
Here Dubya hasn't even been inaugurated and ALREADY CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES are talking up MIGHTY MOUSE McPAIN for PRESIDENT!
I think you got their ATTENTION, MR. MOUSE!
I think you got their ATTENTION, MR. MOUSE!
Do you suppose the CONS at VIACON will wait until after KENNETH LEAVES to deliver their REPORT?
One thing: Reuven Frank, who still has a few stray grains of common sense left despite having run a news division, gets this right: an hour-long newscast (such as Andy "Why do they keep making Hershey bars smaller and Sumner Redstone richer" Rooney has proposed) would mean "30 minutes filled with 'live' interviewing, analyzing and shouting, just like cable. It might steal away cable news's audience, but wouldn't get any other."
Isn't that the point?
One thing: Reuven Frank, who still has a few stray grains of common sense left despite having run a news division, gets this right: an hour-long newscast (such as Andy "Why do they keep making Hershey bars smaller and Sumner Redstone richer" Rooney has proposed) would mean "30 minutes filled with 'live' interviewing, analyzing and shouting, just like cable. It might steal away cable news's audience, but wouldn't get any other."
Isn't that the point?
OoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooh, the BRAVE International Red Cross is going to check to see if Saddam is on a HUNGER STRIKE! Is OUR goose cooked!
Maybe we could send it to Saddam for Christmas.
Maybe we could send it to Saddam for Christmas.
Shucks, the prudes are entering the state houses, too! What SHALL we do?
Remember; for decades you liberals had your chance. You failed. Time for something else.
Remember; for decades you liberals had your chance. You failed. Time for something else.
STERNO!!!!! must tackle these prudes in Atlanta, though he won't be able to take the usual dictation from YAHWEH!!!!! because I doubt he'll mention it on his show, for obvious reasons.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK: News hacks write press releases like this in their sleep, which is how they can assert plausible deniability.
Well, they did say she broke up with her boyfriend.
P. S. They also said this:
[THE FORMER FRENCH WATER WORKS] scheduled several TV appearances for Lohan last week, including a ``Good Morning America'' stint that prompted speculation that she had been lip-syncing. A label spokeswoman said Lohan and her band played live.
TRANSLATION: She probably can't sing.
P. P. S.
Lohan is credited on nearly half the songs, alongside A-list songwriters, including Kara DioGuardi, John Shanks, Andreas Carlson and Cory Rooney.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess putting this "ACTOR [UGH!] TURNED SINGER" on the writing credits means they're trying to pull the Elvis act. TRANSLATION: She DEFINITELY can't sing.
Then again, maybe she DID help write the songs, which doesn't say much for A-lists.
P. P. P. S. We were told today the music biz is "hardened criminals." Since when do criminals have a press office?
P. P. P. P. S. I just put another A-1 album through my stereo: the soundtrack of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I don't believe Howard Keel or Jane Powell needed help singing, or Johnny Mercer and Gene DePaul needed help writing songs.
Well, they did say she broke up with her boyfriend.
P. S. They also said this:
[THE FORMER FRENCH WATER WORKS] scheduled several TV appearances for Lohan last week, including a ``Good Morning America'' stint that prompted speculation that she had been lip-syncing. A label spokeswoman said Lohan and her band played live.
TRANSLATION: She probably can't sing.
P. P. S.
Lohan is credited on nearly half the songs, alongside A-list songwriters, including Kara DioGuardi, John Shanks, Andreas Carlson and Cory Rooney.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess putting this "ACTOR [UGH!] TURNED SINGER" on the writing credits means they're trying to pull the Elvis act. TRANSLATION: She DEFINITELY can't sing.
Then again, maybe she DID help write the songs, which doesn't say much for A-lists.
P. P. P. S. We were told today the music biz is "hardened criminals." Since when do criminals have a press office?
P. P. P. P. S. I just put another A-1 album through my stereo: the soundtrack of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I don't believe Howard Keel or Jane Powell needed help singing, or Johnny Mercer and Gene DePaul needed help writing songs.
Some hack types 1,289 WORDS on movie potty humor aimed at kids, and in the end you feel used because (in a nod to THE LORD GOD PINCH) he says we can't do a thing about it. But hey,
It's also harmless and age-appropriate compared to what follows when kids hit junior high: sex and violence. The real offense, after all, isn't a few poop jokes, but the cynicism of the studios, and that's incurable.
Nothing like telling the audience nobody's taking YOUR power away.
OR:
REVENUES FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES IN 2003:
$208,895,000,000
TOTAL REVENUES FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES' PARENTS IN 2003:
$505,007,000,000
AVERAGE ANNUAL REVENUE GROWTH FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES IN 2003:
7.716%
It's also harmless and age-appropriate compared to what follows when kids hit junior high: sex and violence. The real offense, after all, isn't a few poop jokes, but the cynicism of the studios, and that's incurable.
Nothing like telling the audience nobody's taking YOUR power away.
OR:
REVENUES FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES IN 2003:
$208,895,000,000
TOTAL REVENUES FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES' PARENTS IN 2003:
$505,007,000,000
AVERAGE ANNUAL REVENUE GROWTH FOR THE TOP 100 MEDIA COMPANIES IN 2003:
7.716%
I have another question for the SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS: when do you guys start using POP-UPS?
Speaking further of POWER LINE!!!!!, when its omnipotent SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS aren't puzzling over Mark Steyn's love of musicals or misidentifying Al Capp, they fulminate in 1,520 WORDS over the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. It's slightly annoying because these guys are professionals and (as they admit) they seem to have no trouble getting their work published; heck one of the crowd boasted about being Tom Brokaw's guest star on his recent election coverage. It's like that insider and show-biz mouthpiece STERNO!!!!! always kvetching about PRUDES when he has thousands of connections which he's used to battle them. I'm really getting tired of SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS having it both ways: complaining about their powerlessness and all the evil Viacon Network News employees who want to persecute them -- and doing so in every medium they can get their networking on.
Hmmmmmmmm:
SOME execs at the big record labels nervously hired more lawyers when they were subpoenaed by State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, who is looking into the age-old allegations of "payola" - bribes to radio programmers for airplay - and price-fixing on CDs. But some old-timers who have been investigated before just shrugged. "They're not quaking in their boots. This ain't Wall Street," said one music honcho. "The record business is run by hardened criminals. They invented 'independent promotion' and they're the only ones who know how it works. This is a battle Spitzer will lose." We hope not. If Spitzer can clean up the corruption, maybe the music will improve.
I wouldn't hold my note for that.
SOME execs at the big record labels nervously hired more lawyers when they were subpoenaed by State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, who is looking into the age-old allegations of "payola" - bribes to radio programmers for airplay - and price-fixing on CDs. But some old-timers who have been investigated before just shrugged. "They're not quaking in their boots. This ain't Wall Street," said one music honcho. "The record business is run by hardened criminals. They invented 'independent promotion' and they're the only ones who know how it works. This is a battle Spitzer will lose." We hope not. If Spitzer can clean up the corruption, maybe the music will improve.
I wouldn't hold my note for that.