Posted 7:55 PM by Gene

"Please," a clearly pleased Scalia said. "It was supposed to be funny!"

Sounds like THE NEXT CHIEF JUSTICE is doing a little ME-ME-MEing!

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

I think I figured out what it is about the SUPER BORE: It's about a lot of people we resent having a good time.

To put it differently, it's the GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER of sport.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Investigators probing alleged corruption at the United Nations oil-for-food program are scrutinizing thousands of pages of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's documents, including e-mail and phone records, to determine whether he exerted influence in securing a contract for a Swiss company that employed his son.

OH oh, maybe His Holiness ISN'T safe.

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

I have this horrible feeling that tomorrow's SECOND COMING will go overtime. If it does, and especially if it goes double or triple, and "WE" win, that means riots. The SUPER BORE has not traditionally inspired big mass crime, in part because it's so often been a blowout, and because it's scheduled on Sunday night, and people do have to work the next day. Of course I was wrong about rioting in Detroit for the ATTITUDINAL BASKETBALL LEAGUE's championship, and Bostonians have taken their alleged dynasty in stride. But fans who've been without a FIX for so long, and who have famously booed Santa, may be capable of anything.

Posted 1:46 PM by Gene

Yah-ta-ta yah-ta-ta TALK TALK TALK:

Tomorrow, someone or some place will be changed forever. Such is the transformative power of the Super Bowl.

It changes players, making legends of some and punch lines of others. It turns coaches into geniuses or fools. It can turn a city's fortunes around.

Yeah. Ask Mitt Romney. Despite his biggest city (or rather, his biggest metropolitan area) having won TWO Super Bores and a World Series in the last three years he was close to being fitted for a straitjacket when P&G took Gillette away. Don't mention Bank of America either.

As for US in Philly, our local KNIGHTRIDDER NEWS MONOPOLY has spent so much time chanting I-G-G-L-E-S -- IGGLES!!!!! it's happily ignored the likelihood of a transit strike next month -- possibly a long and painful one given our transit authority's budget problems. Meantime we're waiting for our BELOVED MAYOR to be INDICTED for his slow-cooking CORRUPTION. Yes, THE SUPER BORE REALLY CAN TURN A CITY'S FORTUNES AROUND.

Blah-blah-blah-blah MOON, blah-blah-blah-blah STAR....

Posted 1:08 PM by Gene

Saudi Sees Long, Bitter Fight Against Terror

A fight made longer and bitterer by the SAUDIS.

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

LEGENDARY, according to CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES:

Whitney Houston recorded the soundtrack for "The Bodyguard" inside one of [The Hit Factory's] studios in 1983, and watched it sell more than 17 million copies.

I suppose names like "Bruce Springsteen, Donald Fagen, Michael Jackson, Tony Bennett, Toni Braxton, Madonna, U2, Paul Simon, Billy Joel, Jay-Z, [and] Beyonce" will qualify in a NEWS HACK's MIND as LEGENDARY, but to me they sound like the same old same old, producing the same old same old same old ghee-tar whanging and caterwauling that now pours uncontrollably out of a hundred thousand radio stations and five million stores, the same old same old same old same old. But this is, after all, music recorded in a FACTORY. (Tony counts too because he's a safely neutered RELIC.)

The Hit Factory, which will continue to operate its recording facility in Miami, acknowledged in a statement announcing its decision that there was "a burgeoning shift in the music industry away from large-scale recording facilities."

TRANSLATION: Any Johnny-One-Note can modify his voice into suitable tonelessness with a home studio. Besides, when was the last time more than six people gathered to record anything? "We Are the World"?

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

Another reminder that AMERICA'S BS FACTORIES run OVERTIME during OVERHYPED SPORTS EVENTS and POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS. Apart from being the sports equivalent of when MSSSSSSSS. HEINTZ used AN IMPOLITE PHRASE during THE FIRST INFOMERCIAL (does anybody REMEMBER that?), I'd say this guy is worthy of his nickname, "Concrete Charlie" -- if I cared.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

Kofi found his scapegoats!

WHEW! Our Nobel Prize is safe.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Add the CEOs of ELI LILLY, ICOS, MBNA, ROXIO, and the POLITICALLY-CORRECT STAPLES to list of people who'll yell for months on end, "I SAT IN A LUXURY BOX AT THE SUPER BOWL AND YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!"

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

Think of the NFL without ad revenues. Think of the NHL. Think of a league richly and justly deserving oblivion.

Posted 1:03 PM by Gene

Well, my last post created a tiny spike. I thank you spikers, but I will confess this is the second time this has happened, and the last (it was the Professor) I felt very nervous and agitated. It may seem strange but for someone who can spout such vitriol I am exceptionally shy and nervous. Call me a hypocrite, and maybe that's what I am, but I'll admit to this, and to being a bit thin-skinned myself. If I cause any offense, I don't mean it, or at least I mean it only politically. Jack Shafer, if you read this, no harm and no foul intended.

Posted 10:05 AM by Gene

JACK, the reason Dubya talks past you guys is that YOU ONLY ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS OF CONSERVATIVES AND REPUBLICANS. Of course there are other ways we can judge the press is not a truthful, neutral arbiter: how many show-biz stories are written by PAT KINGSLEY? When was the last time ANYBODY asked a TOUGH QUESTION of PAUL TAGLIAFOOL? Or a LEGENDARY WELCH? By needling ONLY CONSERVATIVES AND REPUBLICANS NEWS HACKS think they ask tough questions, and this permits them to get away with practically ANYTHING SHORT OF PLAGIARISM.

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

And speaking of INSIDE STORY, the ever-preening NIKKI discovers (five days after THE PAPER OF RE-CORD'S READERS do) that Bernie Weinraub was a TOADY.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

I only discovered this piece because JONAH found it six days late, but I'd like to know of ANY American news organization that has done a fraction of the probing into North Korea RUPERT!!!!!!!!!'s Times has done. (For once you do good, RUPE!!!!!) While the IDIOT NEWS HACKS sell us the SECOND COMING and the MONEYCHANGERS at the TEMPLE of FOOTBALL, and bask in the DRIVEL-POWERED INFUSION OF CASH, some reporters took a risk to get the inside story in one of the most brutal dictatorships man has ever known. The NEUHARTHS who run the damfool trade these days should be ASHAMED of themselves.

As for the story's crux, North Korea's days are numbered, however fierce its oppression. It says something when North Koreans must consider China a beacon of freedom. It says something too that the Northerners are finding ways out through the offices of Christians.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

If you think Sunday's Super Bowl is only about football played at the highest level, you probably don't make your living in the ad game.

OR HAVE NEVER READ USA OKAY!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

As we enter this WEEKEND OF IMMORTALITY (PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT), does anyone here remember Max Schmeling? They say he was a great heavyweight boxer (because he boxed so long ago CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES call him "A LEGEND"). Joe Louis beat him in the first round of a championship fight. Does anyone remember Joe Louis? Or professional boxing? Keep THAT in mind when you start hearing people speak of THE AGES.

Posted 6:24 AM by Gene

FREE EN-TER-PRISE:

A Washington state utility released audiotapes Thursday that it said revealed bankrupt energy trader Enron Corp. plotted to take a power plant off-line in 2001 to jack up electric prices in Western states.

And a few of these folk were VERY FREE EN-TER-PRISING:

One Enron employee tells a colleague in another recorded conversation, "I'm just trying to be an honest camper so I only go to jail once."

"Well, there you go. At least in only one country," the other replies, and laughs.

"Yeah, [expletive], this isn't a joke," the first employee says.

No, you aren't a man until you've been to jail at least once. But then that's the motto of BIGBIZ, and the GOP.

Posted 7:26 PM by Gene

See, this is why Rummy should be put on a leash -- he told LARRY KING of all people that he offered to resign TWICE during THE PRISON SCANDAL, and now THE LIBERALS and the NEWS HACKS WON'T SHUT UP -- especially when A BRAVE GROUP like the CENTER FOR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS, "the premiere legal institution of the CONSERVATIVE movement" (think we'd have run THAT one, CURLEY? [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!]) is suing us for WAR CRIMES.

TEDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. Hey CENTER! You seem to have taken the word PROGRESSIVE down from your site! Did CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES alert you?

Posted 6:27 PM by Gene

I DID IT!!!!! I DID IT!!!!! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!

When are you running pop-ups, CHUCK?

Posted 6:20 PM by Gene

Sorry, I don't think this will help, but thanks anyway girls.

Posted 5:03 PM by Gene

JUXTAPOSITION OF THE WEEK:

Report: Scandal 'Undermined' U.N.
The chief of the U.N. oil-for-food program "created a grave and continuing conflict of interest" that seriously undermined the integrity of the United Nations, a new report says.

Related: Annan Warns Sudan to Stop Darfur Killing

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

How do I know THE FREDDIE THE FREELOADERS OF MOUNTAIN VIEW are celebrating THEIR NEW ALL-TIME HIGH? When I tried posting my last entry the first time I GOT AN INSTANT ERROR MESSAGE!

Keep it UP, FREDDIES, and we'll call you CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPERS!

Posted 4:57 PM by Gene

The commandant of the Marine Corps said Thursday he has counseled a senior subordinate for saying publicly, "It's fun to shoot some people."

What if he'd said, "It's fun getting shot at"?

Posted 4:53 PM by Gene

Something to look forward to (he said with eyes rolling):

USA TODAY Super Bowl Bonus Section Hits Newsstands Tomorrow

TRANSLATION: Ka-CHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 4:45 PM by Gene

Even using lossless files, none of the players sounded quite as good to me as the same music on CD played on a $50 Discman. But portable audio has to involve trade-offs, after all. Given the limited disk space of all these players, a lossless format is a reasonable compromise between low-quality, small MP3s and uncompressed files. If you value sound quality over convenience, buy a $50 CD player and take the money you saved to buy better headphones and a headphone amp.

GUARDS!! SEIZE HIM!!!!!

Posted 2:14 PM by Gene

A group of CONSERVATIVE European Union lawmakers from eastern Europe called Thursday for a ban on communist symbols, including the red star and the hammer and sickle, to match a proposed EU ban on the Nazi swastika.

I think CONSERVATIVE's reason enough not to do it.

Not to worry, they won't.

Posted 11:04 AM by Gene

A DOUBLE-DOSE OF SLASHDOT GEEKERY!!!!!

1.

Ant writes " The New York Times talks about Homaro Cantu's maki, it looks a lot like the sushi rolls served at other upscale restaurants: pristine, coin-size disks stuffed with lumps of fresh crab and rice and wrapped in shiny nori. They also taste like sushi, deliciously fishy and seaweedy. But the sushi made by Mr. Cantu, the 28-year-old executive chef at Moto in Chicago, often contains no fish. It is prepared on a Canon i560 inkjet printer rather than a cutting board. He prints images of maki on pieces of edible paper made of soybeans and cornstarch, using organic, food-based inks of his own concoction. Then, Homaro flavors the back of the paper, which is ordinarily used to put images onto birthday cakes, with powdered soy and seaweed seasonings."

2.

An anonymous reader writes "LiveScience is reporting that the military's HAARP project has had its first success generating artificial light displays in the ionosphere. They created little green speckles of manmade aurora within an existing auroral display. The work is designed primarily to 'enhance communications and surveillance systems for both civilian and defense purposes.' Next up: sky-high neon advertisements."

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

And continuing the party at ROMY'S, E&P's hero says he doesn't trust the figures in the Iraqi election.

Okay, we can question those figures. But when some PERFESSER from some LOONY-LEFT SKOOL comes up with an EQUATION that ESTIMATES WE killed HALF-A-MILLION CIVILIANS in the war, people like THE HERO have a way of ACQUIESCING.

Posted 10:04 AM by Gene

ROMY AND THE HACKS HAVE A NEW HERO! HE SAYS THE PRESS'S HIGH ESTEEM IS ALL RUSH'S FAULT!!!!!

And of COURSE it has NOTHING to do with Janet Cooke, the Hitler Diaries, Tailwind, Jayson, BLATHERGATE, etc., etc., ETC.

OR:

So forgive us then for wondering, when we read polls like this week's, whether maybe we should have gone into real estate instead.

I hear it pays better.

And you can pour on the lies and spin thick and fast THERE too!

Posted 9:53 AM by Gene

I've often made fun of America's advertisers for their willful ignorance, but the gowned and tasseled know-nothings of our SPORTS FACTORIES are seldom far behind. It's almost as if they HOPE their charges haven't committed crimes, and the hope seems to carry them past the realm of background checks, or simple decency.

Posted 8:16 AM by Gene

Ordinarily the name J. Gordon Coogler gives off a noise like a $20 car alarm, but R. Emmett has deemed fit to quote from THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY, and for once he hits the bull's eye:

He is almost a Holy Person to the idolizers of pop culture. Like Michael Kinsley: He Makes You Laugh, which raises the question why did Kinsley not get a television show on Comedy Central?.

Here are some of Stewart's incomparable laughquakes from America:

"Though Ronald Reagan (1980-1989) was not considered Kennedyesque, many historians believe he was among our most Reaganesque commanders-in-chief" -- page 38.

"The name of Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-WI) became synonymous with an era, not unlike his colleague Representative Pleistocene (D-MN)" -- page 61.

"The one area Kerry was decidedly unKennedyesque was with the ladies. He lost his virginity his senior year only after an intense lobbying and letter-writing campaign aimed at persuading the school slut to 'grant him franking privileges'" -- page 5.

Oh, and there is another made-for-television joke on page 192 about the lone protester at Tiananmen Square suffering from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

We always knew America's book buyers had no taste; it seems they have no sense either.

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

That Beach Boys dead man's revue must be a classic: The Noo Yawk Daily Nooz sent TWO ad-blurb copywriters to review it. They BOTH panned it.

NEXT UP: ELVIS!

Posted 6:32 PM by Gene

Two years since Columbia and NASA has done NOTHING. The LEAST it can do NOW is put a new Hubble telescope into orbit, if it is to save our reputation in space, and whatever's left of its own.

Posted 6:24 PM by Gene

So, Prehistory Looked Like New Jersey?

Does that mean the distant future will look like the Bronx?

Posted 6:17 PM by Gene

Depressing "news," any way you slice it:

Nat King Cole Returns to Billboard's Top 50 for the First Time Since 1965 With Triumphant #41 Debut Of 'The World Of Nat King Cole'

Our musical culture has grown so eviscerated that people dare to congratulate themselves over something like this. We needn't guess what takes up the other forty-nine slots. Nor does it mean people have suddenly acquired good taste, for much of EMI's umpteenth repackaging consists of the unchallenging sticky-sweet-and-slow ballads of his commercial prime, not the truly undying stuff with the Trio. Well, we're glad to have you back any way we can get you, Nat. Now if only we could have your kind of music again for REAL.

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

Why does this photo make Dubya look clueless? (I do NOT ascribe it to press bias.)

One possible explanation: he probably read the jottings of five hundred staffers for the first time in rehearsing it.

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

A faithful fan of Romy's has a suggestion:

Tip for editors: Put iPod scam stories next to war articles

This is just a variation of being RIGHT ON, WITH IT and NOW! Younger readers will still see the MIDDLE-AGED men pulling the strings. And even if we killed off every last MIDDLE-AGED staffer and replaced them with twenty-somethings (but remember: your survivors will collect DEATH BENEFITS when you turn THIRTY), the idea that "iPod scams" should be equal to "war stories" is at least as offensive in its condescension as in its priorites. (Odd too in that it comes from a collegiate editor, which suggests she has a BRIGHT FUTURE in the biz.) No, maybe reading newspapers is simply for OLD FOLKS.

Posted 11:43 AM by Gene

The time has come for "public" radio to abandon the pretense that it serves us, start carrying ADS, and sell itself to THE HIGHEST BIDDER.

Posted 11:35 AM by Gene

Because NEWS HACKS ace an ethics TEST means they'll ace it in the REAL WORLD?

I'll believe these folks are ethical when they STOP SPINNING AND SELLING THE NEWS.

Posted 10:49 AM by Gene

HMMM, you don't suppose OMERTA'S NEUHARTHISM has something to do with THIS, do you?

A RANK SMELL is coming from LALALAND.

Posted 10:31 AM by Gene

Our brave soldiers have died to preserve freedom. Their brave voters died to practice it.

Other than the uniforms I see no difference.

Posted 8:19 AM by Gene

If The American Spectator is to be believed (what have I said before?), Howard Dean is the Demwits' new CHAIRMAN.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

But as THE PAPER OF RE-CORD says:

Dr. Strangelove...er, Dean also benefited from a relatively weak field. [Editorial comment added.]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

ANDY S.'s "sabbatical" ought to teach us among other things that no blog is indispensable. If ANDY believes he can walk away from his site for nine months to pursue other interests, why can't any blogger? One of the problems with blogging is because corporate news webs sites are "forever," by extension blogs must be too. Just by being one-man shows blogs don't have the stamina or staying power. The solution may be cooperatives as with some of the SUPERDDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGERS, as with the POP-UP POWER LINE BOZOS, but at what point do such sites quite being blogs and just turn into MMMMMMMMMMSSSSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMMM?

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH: Okay OMERTA, it's fine with me if you want to lead a Claudia "RAH! RAH!" Eller cheerleading routine for something like this, but keep in mind OMERTA, TRIB stock is near a 52-week LOW, and one BIG reason for that IS NOT THE DO-NOT-CALL LAWS.

Indeed the more I think of this the more offensive it gets, because with such dog turds your biz wears its corporate self-interest on its sleeve. True, TRIB isn't in MSOs, but it is in cable. Why couldn't WGN piggyback such masterworks on its regular signal? The OOOHs and AAAhs your biz inflicts us with about porn are just another manifestation of SYNERGY, another way of keeping your CORPORATE OPTIONS open. It is obvious from this Machiavellian shtick that you and the other megatyrants in this biz view your readers and surfers as IDIOTS. But YOU must be IDIOTS TOO to risk the ire of state legislators -- and CONGRESS. One more time -- the reason news stocks are in the tank IS NOT THE DO-NOT-CALL LAWS.

You persist with this sort of bilgewater OMERTA and we can remove YOUR property from our BOOKMARKS, just as I have done with THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM.

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

The great clash of the TAGLIAFOOL LEAGUE: Christianity and AAAAAAAATTITUUUUUUUUDE.

YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

As expected, Dubya's plan to "cut" spending is like cutting a fingernail on a 520-fingered 1,460-toed monster.

Posted 5:20 PM by Gene

I guess I'm back to single-digit days. What's the purpose of blogging when all you do is shout in a vacuum? It's bad enough that only automated sites pay attention; it's worse to have to type for fewer and fewer such sites. I'm beginning to understand why ANDY S. quit (for now, he says), but he had no excuse for moping because he had an audience. I have had these ruminations before, and I don't want to give blogging up because it does exercise my brain, but what is it for?

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

Google profit surges on Web ad strength

OH oh, I guess that means tomorrow G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER will make MOLASSES LOOK FAST.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

What IS that sprouting from behind the tyrant-king of Nepal's head?

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

WON'T NEWS HACKS EVER LEARN? Putting BLOGGERS into CONVENTION HALLS was piling a PELION of TEDIUM on OSSA. So what do the hacks do? THEY BLOG FROM THE SUPER BORE SITE!!

Do you really need to fill THAT much space?

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Democrats won't filibuster Gonzales nomination

Did they just change the bottles in the Senate Day-Care Center?

Posted 4:51 PM by Gene

Shucks, THE FIRST AMENDMENT STRIKES OUT at HAMILTON COLLEGE.

You might say the college's president is protecting her HINDE.

You might say other things too, but we won't say them.

Posted 11:45 AM by Gene

Speaking of clowns, I learned from the Professor (not you, sir) that ANDY S. is putting his blog "on hiatus." What that really means is anyone's guess -- he says "nine months" -- but what it may mean is that, for all the millions of column inches devoted to them, blogs MAY NOT CURE CANCER, and that unlike news organizations they're at the whim of a single person, and when the single person is a FAMOUS JERNALIST a blog can detract from other pursuits -- like making money (though it appears THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM have found a way AROUND that). Possibly also ANDY may have tired of all the invective blasting the melodrama and hubris and flipflopping he's displayed much too much lately, and which surely has cost him a lot of readers.

The one good thing: in time maybe people will forget ANDY S., just as it is possible to forget bloggers like YOURS TRULY who type for nothing (in several ways).

Posted 11:41 AM by Gene

Has anyone noticed that THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM are now inflicting their fans with POP-UPS? I guess that's what goes with SHAKING HANDS WITH BIGMEDIA. Lest we forget though, ANY BLOG PRAISED BY TIME WARNER IS NOW BIGMEDIA.

If I had any voice I'd urge a boycott of these morons, but I guess pop-ups are what come with SWELLED HEADS.

Posted 11:05 AM by Gene

Well, this IS HUGE: LORD KOPPEL of ESPNCORP and SLICK'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER MAY SWAP SHOWS!

This means the Lord can take half the year off and no one will notice; and BABY GEORGE can redouble ESPNCORP NETWORK NEWS'S effort to TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT REPUBLICANS.

I'M looking forward to it!

Posted 10:28 AM by Gene

Philip Johnson was the Wernher von Braun of architecture.

But this being THE PAPER OF RE-CORD I guess that's just an OPINION.

Posted 8:44 AM by Gene

I have an idea: every year, on the anniversary of JOHNNY's death, all America should stand for ten minutes and recite HIS FINAL MONOLOGUE. It should be taught in every school, as Shakespeare's plays and Lincoln's speeches were, as a TESTAMENT TO THE AGES. Imagine the surpassing dignity, the solemn pride of the occasion, as millions in unison say:

Around the studio (studiostudio [Lou Gehrig echo]), we are still (stillstill) on an emotional high (highhigh) from last night (nightnight)....

I further propose that a taxpayer-paid copy be sent to every school child in America -- with a foreword by GEORGE W. BUSH.

I repeat: JOHNNY'S DEAD. Now may we PLEASE SHUT UP?????

Posted 6:54 AM by Gene

That LOONIEST of LOONEY-LEFT PERFESSERS has found a FIG LEAF.

The essay attracted little attention until Churchill was invited recently to speak at Hamilton College, about 40 miles east of Syracuse, N.Y. Hundreds of relatives of Sept. 11 victims have protested the appearance. Hamilton College President Joan Hinde has said that "however repugnant one might find Mr. Churchill's remarks," the college was committed to his right of free speech and would not rescind its invitation.

Administrators have moved Churchill's appearance to a building that can seat 2,000, instead of the originally planned 300.

GUESS WHO WINS.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

I suspect the cleverly manufactured controversy over CLINT'S EUTHANASIA MASTERPIECE (with AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS doing some HEAVY-DUTY MANUFACTURING) may be moot when the NIELSENS for the OSCARS® come in.

We must remember the AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS are the self-proclaimed PUBLIC INTELLECTUALS of the NEWS TRADE -- and if NEWS HACKS are CONFORMISTS and PHILISTINES to the Nth DEGREE, AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS are CONFORMISTS and PHILISTINES to THE Nth OF THE Nth DEGREE.

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

SEN. FATSO GLUBGLUB TALKS TO HIMSELF!

That's the problem with The World's Greatest Deliberative Body: you get to practice your bar monologues in public.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

Thanks again, CONGRESSPOOPS:

Law Barring Junk E-Mail Allows a Flood Instead

WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO FOR AN ENCORE?

Posted 6:26 AM by Gene

Think we can turn this prison riot into a J'ACCUSE? A QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

We're sure as heck gonna try.

Posted 5:49 PM by Gene

STERNO didn't see THIS STORY? THIS STORY on NICK DORKEN, the SECOND GREATEST MEDIA FIGURE OF ALL TIME -- whose SITES can now draw -- ADS??????????

Porno sites could draw ads too, if they TRIED. It's a wonder NICK DORKEN HASN'T.

Tom Hespos, President, Underscore Marketing, has seen many clients run successful campaigns on blogs, but hopes brands don't shift budgets to blogs simply because it's trendy. "I'd hate to see blog advertising become a line item on a flowchart--like paid search--simply because it's the 'latest and greatest' or because media planners see the word 'blog' in dozens of trade media stories...."

Yep, ol' NICK is PERFECTLY POSITIONED to BE TRENDY.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

Well, SOME good news to report:

• NBC: Low turnout in insurgent city

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

Problem is, it's in one of those precincts where SADDAM scored 99.99 PERCENT.

Posted 5:43 PM by Gene

Race for Dem Leader Entering Final Stage

May the best ASS...er, DONKEY...er, WHATISIT WIN!!!!!

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

And speaking of NEUHARTIANS:

Some take pride in the darnedest things, ranging from being home of the "largest ball of twine" (Kansas) to having the world's largest baseball bat (Kentucky). Then there's the whole "red" vs. "blue" thing.

USA TODAY tries to put the controversy to rest by ranking states by something that actually matters: stock price performance. By using the Bloomberg News regional stock indexes, USA TODAY ranked states by the performance of companies that are either based there or have significant operations in that state.

RIGHT. End a controversy by starting another.

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

I've posted FOUR TIMES in the last half-hour. WHY HAVEN'T I GOTTEN ANY HITS?

Posted 5:29 PM by Gene

Expert: Potential Jackson Jurors May Seek 'Five Minutes' Of Fame

MJ? OJ!!!!!

Posted 5:16 PM by Gene

NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK: The latest excuse from the AD BIZ for those LUXURY SUITES at the SUPER BORE is that people WANT TO WATCH THE ADS, therefore they REMEMBER the ADS, therefore, it's (NEW BUZZTERM TO FINANCE CRAPPY TELEVISION ALERT) "EXPERIENTIAL MARKETING." (FIGURES this would come from THE SENIOR CLUNKER BROTHER.) But one mark of the TRUE NEUHARTHISM is putting the BAD NEWS at the END, AS IN:

Of course, not every Super Bowl ad turns the tide for a brand. When Procter & Gamble Co. bought into the game for the first time ever last year, the brand it chose, Charmin, was the only one of its top 20 brands to see volume decline in the first quarter....

Even winning the Super Bowl ad contest is no guarantee of success. Last year’s best-remembered spot, surprisingly, was a 15-second version of an ad for Energizer Holdings’ Schick Quattro that had been running for months, according to Bruzzone Research. Trouble is, 40% of respondents remembered it as an ad for Gillette, vs. 39% who thought it was for Schick.

But NOTHING beats yelling, for MONTHS on end, "I WAS IN A LUXURY BOX AT THE SUPER BOWL AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!!!!!!"

Posted 5:13 PM by Gene

NEWS HACKS ON THE MARCH:

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A U.S. consumer group Monday accused Pfizer Inc. of burying a study suggesting its painkiller Celebrex boosts the risk of heart attack and stroke, the group's latest salvo in a bid to ban all drugs in the class.

The accusation comes a week after the group, Public Citizen....

Public Citizen is A CONSUMER GROUP?

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

ONWARD and UPWARD in AMERICAN JERNALISM:

Why most newspapers don't bother hiring an ombudsman
American Journalism Review
The reason cited most frequently is money, says Jennifer Dorroh. When Purdue University's Neil Nemeth surveyed public editors in 1999, he found they earned average salaries between $75,000 and $100,000. "Given the choice, most news outlets would rather use that money to hire more reporters -- or not spend it at all," writes Dorroh.

No wonder; that's a LOT of money for a professional apologist.

Posted 2:43 PM by Gene

VALENTINO, SWANSON TO RETURN TO THE SCREEN IN APRIL

It is safe to say that however bad this film was in ITS day it's probably better than anything playing NOW.

Posted 9:41 AM by Gene

BLOG POST of the DAY -- from THE CORNER!!!!!

AAACCCKKK: CHANGE THE NUMBER ON YOUR DIAL [K. J. Lopez]
Cable news is officially off limits for the next few weeks once it's a decent hour in California today: "Pop icon Michael Jackson is just hours away from the start of his trial..."
Posted at 05:13 AM

There's such a thing as A DECENT HOUR when THAT's on?

Posted 9:18 AM by Gene

Mark Steyn, who else:

AND so the "looming Iraqi election fiasco" joins "the brutal Afghan winter" and "the brutal Iraqi summer" and "the seething Arab street" and all the other junk in the overflowing trash can of post-9/11 Western media fictions.

Not to worry; there'll be other fict -- FIASCOES.

Posted 6:12 AM by Gene

The next goal of one-company-state con-SER-va-tives must be to reunite the Baby Bells and call the thing AT&T, which would be a pile of assets with rotten service -- their ultimate dream.

Posted 4:28 PM by Gene

Why PRNewswire is PRICELESS:

SMIC Reaches Settlement with TSMC

Posted 4:17 PM by Gene

In his valedictory a show-biz writer for THE PAPER OF RE-CORD and husband of a top Sony executive drops names, MANY names, and in so doing gives full proof of why not one word of show-biz flackery from the PRESS can be trusted.

What's your next job, Bernie? Consulting for the MISSUS?

Posted 2:53 PM by Gene

Do you have a movie or TV show or record you can't stop watching or listening to because it's so flat-out BAD? I have one: the cast album of TOMFOOLERY, the Gilligan's Island of revues. You've surely never heard of this album as it was last issued on LP in the UK nearly twenty years ago, and I only have it because DORSAL, er DORSET AUDIO (i.e., Barnes and Noble) created a homemade cassette right off the LP (literally), which I've unaccountably played hundreds of times. Then again this appears to be a favorite of college and community groups on infintessimal budgets, and pictures of these productions alone communicate how flat out BAD it is. Indeed this piece of junk has a special place in show-biz hell because it was one of the early successes of LORD SCHLOCKINTOSH, EMPEROR OF BAD THEATER. He decided it would be a great idea to anthologize Tom Lehrer on stage. And it would have been -- in 1965. The problem is age has not been kind to Prof. Lehrer's creations, as even THE GLIBERAL noted when he reviewed the New York production still in possession of his few small faculties. Consider this line from "Who's Next?":

We'll try to stay serene and calm --
When ALABAMA gets the bomb.

It was funny precisely because a megalomaniac like George Wallace would try to get the bomb to prevent integration in the South. But by 1980 the Confederacy was already turning into Mallopia with glutinous entrepreneurs and smiley faces, and so:

We'll try to stay serene and calm
When RONALD REAGAN gets the bomb.

Agree or disagree with its politics, it's not funny, and it's bitter. One imagines a highly conventional liberal like Prof. Lehrer scrunching his whole face, his whole BEING in mortal pain when writing that line. But the problem with topical humor is that it's topical. And that's not even the worst example; the future LORD had the BRILLIANT idea of putting "Wernher von Braun" into the show even though that notorious scientist had died three years before; one gets the sneaky suspicion that the future LORD and the Prof. had prolonged discussions about rewriting the song in the PAST TENSE. As is it sounds dangerously close to a TRIBUTE.

But then one may wonder about the ditties that didn't make it in. There is a terminal cuteness to them: was it worth three minutes snickering over the love life of Alma Mahler Werfel? Or Hubert Humphrey as vice-president? (That number is worthy of The CAPITOL STEPS and explains why Prof. Lehrer all but stopped writing songs in the mid-sixties.) Even the songs without topical references seem obvious. Really, do we have to be told that we grow old and die? And who cares about mathematicians? The future LORD surely realized what a BIND he was in with "The Old Dope Peddler," which must have struck even the Harvard students of the fifties as forced in its irony, but thanks to great advances in society he felt obliged to turn into a flat-out DIRGE. Happily he corrected the problem by introducing the Prof.'s VD song -- just before the AIDS crisis exploded. Great going, LORD!

And then there's "The Vatican Rag." On That Was the Year That Was the (probably inebriated) audience can't stop laughing. Here they can't START, despite the obvious presence of liquid refreshments (you can hear a glass smashing at one point), perhaps because Lehrer's nightmare had come true, as the Folk Song Army (unaccountably missing here) marched its way into the Catholic church, and as Lenny's MASS bludgeoned ears with its trendiness; but the nightmare wouldn't reach its true climax until the years following, with hackwork like Nunsense and Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up? and jolly tap-dancing nuns -- no small thanks to Tom Lehrer.

Of course great songs demand a great production, and in this the future LORD SCHLOCKINTOSH did not leave TOMFOOLERY wanting. The cast of four sounds like a gaggle of League of Nations translators at a piano bar. It is especially amusing to hear someone sing "I Wanna Go Back to Dixie" with a Briton's idea of a Southern accent, which sounds unmistakably Cockney. (The guy got his training doing The Rocky Horror Show -- appropos indeed.) Perhaps recognizing how senescent the material is our troupers aren't content merely to sing it, no; they SHOUT it, and BANG it, over small-group arrangements that aim a big broad dirty thumb at your nose. ("So Long Mom"? How about "Taps" in the COUNTERPOINT?)

I'm sorry to have spent so much time on this, and I regret writing in this fashion, but once I laughed at Tom Lehrer, laughed hard. His recordings are still worth hearing because he had a sly Grouchovian way of singing, and he was equally sly at the piano. "The Hunting Song" must have a place so long as fools own guns. But TOMFOOLERY stands as Lehrer's last will and testament, and sadly, as his burial ground.

(New sentence in sixth graf, review link and spelling correction -- trouper for "trooper" -- added 3/6/2011)

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

Sen. Kerry says:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Caveat: it IS NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

Predictable: LALA's RENDELLTORIUM has heat problems. Now comes word that OUR VERY OWN RENDELLTORIUM in the MUSICAL QUONSET HUT ON BROAD has INSUFFICIENT REVERB. Guess how much it will cost to fix it -- somewhere around A FORTUNE.

I say, BRING IN THE PHONE COMPANY! It NAMED it.

This on TOP of the word somebody shafted THE BUILDERS of THE IGGLES' TAJ MAHAL to the TUNE of up to $54 MILLION. Only no one will ever figure out who did the shafting because it may prove -- EMBARRASSING. Do I hear the BOTTOMS falling out of our POCKETS?

Posted 9:11 AM by Gene

One of the great medical cures of all time, ABORTION, may be finally catching up to the CHINESE.

Let's send HILLARY in to fix it!

Posted 9:02 AM by Gene

This should warm the cockles of our hearts:

Dubai bought a $1 billion stake in DaimlerChrysler AG, becoming its third-largest shareholder as the carmaker seeks to reverse three years of declining revenue.

I've got an idea, Saudis: why not buy up EVERY LAST AUTO MAKER! Then when you wanted to get BACK at US INFIDELS not only could you withhold the oil -- you could withhold the cars! In time every nation could look like CUBA!

Oh, I forgot. You've got HUGGABLE SQUEEZABLE IMAMS to finance. It's still worth a try!

Posted 8:41 AM by Gene

Did 'Idol' Go Too Far? - Yes
"American Idol" has turned into an orgy of public ridicule masquerading as a talent show. No-talent shows can be fun, but beneath the laughs, they're nasty.

Did 'Idol' go too far? - NO
So "American Idol" has hit a new low? Compared to what? "The Surreal Life?" "The Apprentice?" "Desperate Housewives?" The half-time show at the Super Bowl?

Could it be they're BOTH right?

Posted 8:38 AM by Gene

What's REALLY important to the newsbots at YAHOO!:

• 'Baby Spice' looks to make it as solo artist (home-page hed)

Posted 8:30 AM by Gene

Big Turnout in Baghdad Points to Success in Iraq Voting

All together now NEWS HACKS, one, two, three:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And true, Fareed, elections are NOT democracy -- ST. WARREN's been around long enough to KNOW -- but in Iraq they're a darned sight better than what WAS, for SOME people.

We may YET make fun of your cover THIS week, Mr. Mark.

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

Viacom and Lee have a strong incentive to upgrade BET, whose target audience is coveted by Madison Avenue. African-Americans watch more TV by far than any other group and are enthusiastic consumers. BET's audience also skews heavily toward the hip-hop generation, full of influential tastemakers. No wonder Comcast and Murdoch want in. "It's a giant segment of the population that's clearly underserved," says Jessica Reif-Cohen, Merrill Lynch's media analyst. Adds Peter Gardiner, chief media officer for Deutsch: "People like us root for BET...."

This is the sort of automatic typing any reasonably well-informed news consumer could belch in his sleep. Why do people need to pay $30 a year to tell them what they can already parody in their heads?

Promise we can make fun of your cover NEXT week, Mr. Mark?