THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, July 04, 2009
Not everyone uses YouTube to launch their showbiz or political career, but the potential to do so is central to the Web 2.0 narrative that figures in so many newsmagazine panegyrics. [PFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!] When the odds of even 1,000 people viewing your video in a month's time are only 3 percent, however, it's tough to argue that hitting it big on YouTube is anything more than dumb luck. You could argue that this is the way it's always been in show biz, and you'd be right. But wasn't the Web supposed to change all that?
What hasn't the Web changed that it was supposed to change -- for the worse?
What hasn't the Web changed that it was supposed to change -- for the worse?
TRANSLATION: The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers and its member money-wasters will do to the Web what they did to television: finance it indiscriminately, and program to the lowest common denominator.
State Farm Insurance Cos. has sponsored a series of short celebrity-mom interviews, targeting mothers in a conflict-free format that avoids some of the celebrity muckraking of other sites.
"It's not all about traffic," said Ed Gold, the insurance company's advertising director. "Our goal is not to put State Farm into environments that aren't appropriate to our brand...."
Why the concern for the Web you never had for television?
I guess we'll have to add Yahoo! to the list of BIGMEDIA firms we'd like to see suffer, although when His Yangness turned the other cheek to China he put his rattletrap at the top of our S-list, where it still resides.
State Farm Insurance Cos. has sponsored a series of short celebrity-mom interviews, targeting mothers in a conflict-free format that avoids some of the celebrity muckraking of other sites.
"It's not all about traffic," said Ed Gold, the insurance company's advertising director. "Our goal is not to put State Farm into environments that aren't appropriate to our brand...."
Why the concern for the Web you never had for television?
I guess we'll have to add Yahoo! to the list of BIGMEDIA firms we'd like to see suffer, although when His Yangness turned the other cheek to China he put his rattletrap at the top of our S-list, where it still resides.
We repeat what we said before: News hacks openly charging for favors, though despicable, is somewhat more honest than the current practice of doing favors with the weasel word, or the slant, or the advertorial. At least there's a quid pro quo involved, and it's visible, unlike with the invisible favors of the everyday news.
SKorea says North fires 7 missiles off east coast
His Omnipotence and the WORRRRRRRRULD COMMUNITY utter the moral equivalent of "So?"
His Omnipotence and the WORRRRRRRRULD COMMUNITY utter the moral equivalent of "So?"
Friday, July 03, 2009
Well Your Omnipotence, you don't have to be that...depressed!
(Actual ESPNCORP NETWORK NEWS screen capture with expanded caption)
Now that the press's latest perfidy is out in the open we think of Marc Blitzstein's musical diatribe The Cradle Will Rock. The lecture centers on a big evil caricature named Mr. Mister (!), who runs everything in Steeltown USA. (!!) Facing a union organizing drive and a revolt of the people he buys out the local paper, which is news to Editor Daily (!!!), who is at first rather dubious, but when he finds out from Mr. Mister, well, anything to oblige. At about this time Mr. Mister's kids Junior Mister and Sister Mister (!!!) are at the age where they might make a fuss -- the thirties equivalent of the Woodstock gang. So Editor Daily (with the kind help of Mr. Mister) proposes to make one of them a "journalist" in Honolulu. As absurd as this all sounds hacks had dealt in fraud long before Blitzstein staged his tantrum*, and they have shafted the public long after.
*Keep in mind that nobody would remember Blitzstein's foot stomping but that the Feds, who helped bankroll the original New York production and were suddenly afraid of Communist influence (!), locked the cast and crew out of their theater before the premiere, forcing its co-producers Orson Welles and John Houseman into one of those genius self-promoting acts for which Welles was always famous, performing the show at another theater from the audience (union rules were to blame). Doubly unfortunate that Blitzstein is remembered almost solely for this ploy (and his translation of The Threepenny Opera) because he was a brilliant and erudite musician, but one who saw the world through red-tinted glasses. (And the dreadful irony is that he was murdered on vacation in Martinique by working-class thugs.)
*Keep in mind that nobody would remember Blitzstein's foot stomping but that the Feds, who helped bankroll the original New York production and were suddenly afraid of Communist influence (!), locked the cast and crew out of their theater before the premiere, forcing its co-producers Orson Welles and John Houseman into one of those genius self-promoting acts for which Welles was always famous, performing the show at another theater from the audience (union rules were to blame). Doubly unfortunate that Blitzstein is remembered almost solely for this ploy (and his translation of The Threepenny Opera) because he was a brilliant and erudite musician, but one who saw the world through red-tinted glasses. (And the dreadful irony is that he was murdered on vacation in Martinique by working-class thugs.)
Meantime in another demonstration that the hacks will continue to do favors, come hell or low profits (the former unlikely because there is no hell; the latter unlikely because there are no low profits in the news biz); CABLE NUISANCE NETWORK contracts out to the "polling" firm that makes JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP smell good for the purpose of engaging in that annoying USAOKAY!!!!! ruse of uniting the people under the first-person plural. If I had a nickel for every time someone at CABLE NUISANCE NETWORK has denigrated our intelligence or slighted their audience I could pay off that molesting druggie's DEBT so many times over I'd buy PEOPLE WARNER.
That the nooz biz continues to make a stink over L'Affaire Kaplan shows plainly how hypocritical it is. News is all about favors; it is all about power. Being in the loop is part of the magic elixir of being a news hack, the growth hormone for fame and profits. Do a job honestly and conscientiously, "without fear or favor", as the idiot hacks like to harrumph when the public is looking, and you're out of the loop -- and a job. That the hacks are screaming shows we are wise to their machinations, and that we don't expect anything better from them; indeed the presence of this scheme at this time shows we can only expect worse.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
SLIME says the Big C is no good and THE 140-CHARACTER FAD can't be "monetized".
We'll take it from a PRO.
(Via The Business Insider)
We'll take it from a PRO.
(Via The Business Insider)
This won't last; however for the first time news hacks are being honest in treating access as a profit center. In so many areas the hacks should sell their access; they run enough ads.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
I have to admit that Al and I have been friends for more than two decades.
Another big, fat, ugly reason the news isn't worth the toilet paper it's printed on.
P. S. Despite JonBoy selling it on Zeitgeist.com's home page it has drawn no comments. Sure Howie's worth the big bucks you pay him? Sure you want to continue financing this irrelevance, ST. WARREN?
Another big, fat, ugly reason the news isn't worth the toilet paper it's printed on.
P. S. Despite JonBoy selling it on Zeitgeist.com's home page it has drawn no comments. Sure Howie's worth the big bucks you pay him? Sure you want to continue financing this irrelevance, ST. WARREN?
The power of technology to do good needs to be weighed against its powers to do evil.
TRANSLATION: The DILBERTS are tipping the scale for evil -- and we know enough of their practical jokes to suspect it may not be all unintentional.
TRANSLATION: The DILBERTS are tipping the scale for evil -- and we know enough of their practical jokes to suspect it may not be all unintentional.
AP source: Jackson kin considering LA Coliseum
TRANSLATION: The top executives of EVERY BIGMEDIA organization are on the phone all day and all night with them, hoping to extend the profits. FURTHER TRANSLATION: This will end up being a ten- or twenty- or fifty-venue insanity raiser. Really, Jeff BEW-kes, do you intend to make this non-story permanent?
It's times like these we wish GanNETt had laid off 10,000. IT MAY YET. After last Friday we will definitely call its flagship McPAPER. Has CABLE NUISANCE NETWORK ever laid off people? Why can't it?
P. S. Is that ASSPress source the same as the LALA source? The HACKS are so fully intent on justifying their overcoverage they'll fight as if on D-Day over ever tinier scoops.
TRANSLATION: The top executives of EVERY BIGMEDIA organization are on the phone all day and all night with them, hoping to extend the profits. FURTHER TRANSLATION: This will end up being a ten- or twenty- or fifty-venue insanity raiser. Really, Jeff BEW-kes, do you intend to make this non-story permanent?
It's times like these we wish GanNETt had laid off 10,000. IT MAY YET. After last Friday we will definitely call its flagship McPAPER. Has CABLE NUISANCE NETWORK ever laid off people? Why can't it?
P. S. Is that ASSPress source the same as the LALA source? The HACKS are so fully intent on justifying their overcoverage they'll fight as if on D-Day over ever tinier scoops.
One thing is clear: long after we cease to hear of Karl Malden, whose unjust curse is to be an Academy-Award winning spokesman for American Express, and Harve Presnell, the fine baritone of The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Cable Nuisance Network will STILL report on His Gloved One.
This depr -- ECONOMY has been hard on twee. We all know what $10 coffee's gone through; now Crabtree and Evelyn, a twee women's skincare retailer, has gone XI. The market, however, still has plenty of twee left to be squeezed out of it. A lot of businesses existed simply because a lot of people owned overpriced houses.
We're not sure what the difference is between Iran's Press TV and your typical American news organization -- both run bias and bromides -- although your typical American news organization might be slightly less likely to say that Neda was a Zionist stooge, or something.
Someone wake the British up when this is over.
Someone wake the British up when this is over.
Shouldn't Jackson be in the "Life" section of the paper? Or on page 2?
Of course he shouldn't -- because he's a PROFIT CENTER!
(Via the usual Romy)
Of course he shouldn't -- because he's a PROFIT CENTER!
(Via the usual Romy)
We have said this before: We feel sad for the many who are losing their jobs in the news biz; indeed we feel sadder because the people who should be fired keep their jobs -- the cement-headed ideologues like EJ and MB2, the ad-blurbists at USAOKAY!!!!!, the idiots who must type their sentences in figurative CAPS and with EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!, the business writers who sleep on the job. Yes, THESE people SHOULD be fired, and they never are.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Another epidemic of bullets, in Detroit. You wonder there aren't more of those, unless they're so common even the locals have given up.
ARCHDaily!
What is utterly strange is that this Shanghai building collapsed practically in one piece. We wonder how many more rush-rush jobs litter the Chinese landscape, where substandard construction is almost a source of national pride.
What is utterly strange is that this Shanghai building collapsed practically in one piece. We wonder how many more rush-rush jobs litter the Chinese landscape, where substandard construction is almost a source of national pride.
Where's The U.N. On Iran?
Largely Useless, Even Harmful
You don't suppose Forbeslist.com could have meant this front-page juxtaposition, do you?
Largely Useless, Even Harmful
You don't suppose Forbeslist.com could have meant this front-page juxtaposition, do you?
Hatch makes case for fed intervention in college football
See Al? You're up against tough competition already.
See Al? You're up against tough competition already.
We have this sneaky feeling news-hack organizations employ consultants who use popularity scores to see if something gets in the paper. If it's not popular, it's not in.
So the TWXSTERS, whose former putative flagship rag just ran a promotion (broken liink! HA HA HA!), may have been reluctant to run this story on North Korea -- not unexpected, except we don't expect the hacks to run serious topics anymore.
So the TWXSTERS, whose former putative flagship rag just ran a promotion (broken liink! HA HA HA!), may have been reluctant to run this story on North Korea -- not unexpected, except we don't expect the hacks to run serious topics anymore.
With the synergy and money of history's greatest story ringing in their ears most of the hacks forgot to tell us that the Nine Fingers threw out any effort to sue OUR FRIENDS the Saudis for 9/11. Perhaps just as well; THEY SAY they're on our side, and THEY SAY they're deeply sorry for it; but whether THEY would have SAID these things before 9/11 is something OUR FRIENDS may never SAY.
Monday, June 29, 2009
PS: re: licensing pop music: Journey's music is a lot cheaper to license than the Beatles as well. Something the writer should have mentioned in an article about licensing music, esp if arguing its alleged cultural significance.
Once again a mere reader proves he and his cohorts may not be as stupid as news hacks make them out to be.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD -- TO CHRIS "WILLIES" WILLMAN!
Once again a mere reader proves he and his cohorts may not be as stupid as news hacks make them out to be.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD -- TO CHRIS "WILLIES" WILLMAN!
ARCHDaily!
Don't pick it up, junior!
Isn't that one of those wooden thingies you use to flatten dough or something?
Don't pick it up, junior!
Isn't that one of those wooden thingies you use to flatten dough or something?
Here's a good reason for The Left-Wing Dick Cheney to RUSH!!!!! Judge Identity's nomination through.
Madoff Sentenced to 150 Years
The right sentence by man's laws, perhaps, but still not the right sentence by God's laws.
The right sentence by man's laws, perhaps, but still not the right sentence by God's laws.
Dubai considering 2020 Olympics, World Expo bid
TRANSLATION: All those ugly buildings might still be vacant then.
TRANSLATION: All those ugly buildings might still be vacant then.
Collectively, the three specials attracted 18.5 million total viewers, according to Nielsen fast nationals data.
And if you add in the CABLE NEWS NUISANCES, it STILL means OVER 280 MILLION AMERICANS DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO TUNE IN.
And if you add in the CABLE NEWS NUISANCES, it STILL means OVER 280 MILLION AMERICANS DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO TUNE IN.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Iranian authorities have barred journalists for international news organizations from reporting on the streets and ordered them to stay in their offices. This report is based on the accounts of witnesses reached in Iran and official statements carried on Iranian media.
SYDNEY -- British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's new character has a thing for Australia's wonkish prime minister.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO THE ASSPRESS!
That's spelled J-U-X-T-A-P-O-S-I-T-I-O-N.
SYDNEY -- British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's new character has a thing for Australia's wonkish prime minister.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO THE ASSPRESS!
That's spelled J-U-X-T-A-P-O-S-I-T-I-O-N.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A hopeful sign: CNN.com's two flavors (we would like to think shamed into doing it, but shame was expunged from PEOPLE WARNER before it was born) are headlining Iran again. We will never, however, forget the last three days of SYNERGY, of MARKETING, of TOTAL CONTEMPT for the public. That stench will never go away.