Posted 8:40 PM by Gene

Speaking of BIG RED (we'll call it LENNY for short), it's a "WORLDWIDE OLYMPIC PARTNER."

Now WHY do you suppose that is?

Posted 8:15 PM by Gene

ANOTHER setback for CIVILIZATION:

Pope indicates he'll be tough on abortion

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

It's times like these that I'd rather hear of the long-shot horse named for Sting's son -- or was it the other way around?

P. S. At least the story didn't quote from some -- MODERATE.

Posted 8:10 PM by Gene

Dubya takes responsibility for FDR's lassitude (to put it mildly) at Yalta, and CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGE TERENCE conveniently seeks out David Brinkley's perfesser son, who calls it a "far-right" thing.

We would like to believe Chet's partner, more of a historian than his son ever will be, rolled in his grave when he belched that.

P. S. Hey David's son! You "teach" at Columbia. What do you think of the goings-on in the Mid-East Affairs quagmire at your school?

NO COMMENT!!!!!

Posted 7:07 PM by Gene

I did something I thought I couldn't do (and most people wouldn't want to): I added a new hard drive and clean-installed XP on it, making my system dual-bootable. The utility of it is questionable; better to just upgrade straight on the old hard drive. But I have enough files lurking there and I didn't want to take a chance with the BUGMEISTER'S IMMORTAL RELIABILITY. What's more, I get to hear lullabies from MICROSOFT SAM.

Posted 6:54 PM by Gene

At the foot of Headhouse Square in a late beautiful mild afternoon a bunch of about thirty very joyous young people stood waving placards imploring, "HONK 4 HEMP!" Many did. One poster read,

Man made beer...God made POT!
WHO [sic] DO YOU TRUST?

If I had a fraction of whatever made those people so happy, I'd take it -- so long as it was legal.

Then some cute teenage girls in shorts and short skirts came walking by and I remembered what God was for.

Posted 4:21 PM by Gene

More evidence that Western Civilization Is Near Death: At a certain point in "House of Wax," Paris Hilton catches what appears to be four feet of sharpened spear through the front of her skull. She backs off a few feet with the unwelcome protrusion extending before her, then topples to her knees, falling forward, driving the shaft through more brain matter. The skull itself cracks.

The audience cheers wildly.

But that's not the scary part.

The scary part was the elderly gentleman sitting in the seat behind the guy in front of me: He cheered, too. I think he sorta kinda liked it.

More evidence that The Washington Post and JERNALISM are near death -- that this piece of DOGGIE-DOO gets printed.

We were prepared to give this P-Ulitzer winner a NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD -- we sorta kinda think we should -- but the WaPost site wouldn't let us access this (it was under repair, pffh-hh-hh), just as well as the numbers prove that only P-Ulitzer winners are believing enough to think the people WANT to see RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s girlfriend, unwelcome protrusions or otherwise.

P. S. The HACKS lately have been making loud pouting noises about how much abuse they get. Any hack who chooses to write badly and offensively deserves all the abuse he gets.

P. P. S. MEMO TO SAMMY GLICKMAN and JACK "THE POPCORN AIRHEAD" FITHIAN: I DON'T think selling R movies to minors works QUITE as well as it used to. WHICH REMINDS US: JUNE is RATINGS AWARENESS MONTH!!! HERE'S A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION!!!!! I MEAN, HERE!!!!! (NOTE: 5.4MB of BULL. Maybe they'll stick it -- I mean the slides between the ads. Idiots. More later.)

Posted 4:11 PM by Gene

Another risible American tradition is the celebrity graduation speech, built on the notion a famous person is worth seeing. We will presume Stephen King was tired -- if we'd written 5,000 books and earned umpteen zillion dollars we'd be tired too -- but we suspect any speech with a top-ten list of which four are "Stay in Maine" has already trundled itself off to a bone yard that THE MASTER can't exploit in a new novel.

Posted 11:50 AM by Gene

Seems the favorite hobby of lots of news hacks is sitting on a stone (or rather, on a comfortable office chair), putting head to hand, and looking RUMINATIVE -- like THE THINKER. Today A. O. with B. O. decides to THINK, as Thomas J. Watson enjoined generations of IBM nerds, as Prof. Harold Hill pleaded to the boys in his River City band, and he comes up with a MIND-BENDING NOTION: that COMIC BOOK HEROES have WALLOPED MOVIE STARS. (And we can mention LI-TE-RAH-TEEYURE, to make it acceptable to those granny fans of Tom Friedman's -- and to PINCH.) WOW!! We really need a high-powered paper and exceedingly-well-paid scribblers to tell us THAT! Maybe I'll assume the Thinker pose too, if it'll make ME some money!

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

More GREATNESS in EHDYUKAYSHUN:

A high school junior in a central Georgia military town was suspended from school this week after refusing to end a long-distance cellphone call from his mother, an Army sergeant serving in Iraq.

Meantime the use of cell phones as toys and worse goes unabated.

But that's the EHDYUKAYTOR's trade: to make MOUNTAINS of MOLEHILLS and MOLEHILLS of MOUNTAINS.

Posted 8:07 AM by Gene

The latest chapters of "Star Wars" and "Batman" aren't the only unoriginal movies hitting theaters this summer. [Home-page teaser]

NO COMMENT.

Posted 7:41 AM by Gene

OOOOOOOOOooooooooooh, CENSORSHIP! The Vatican's kicking a Jesuit off of America magazine because he was -- CRITICAL OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!!!!!

See? We KNEW the NEW POPE was a NAZ -- a CON-SER-VA-TIVE.

Maybe the guy can get a job at BLUNDER -- or as RELIGION EDITOR of THE PAPER OF RE-CORD.

Posted 5:30 PM by Gene

I have meant to compliment Yahoo! for its changes to the news page. While change takes a while getting used to the alterations here are all positive -- more headlines, more tools. My only negative is it isn't as easy to navigate as Google News, nor as inviting, but news junkies and bloggers have themselves a worthwhile page to go to first.

See? I CAN say something nice now and then.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

Some developers want to build a RENDELL S&L (translation: a CASINO) near the Gettysburg battlefield. Just one problem with GAMING and historic sites:

Gettysburg would not be the first place where gambling piggybacked onto battlefield tourism: Vicksburg, Miss., where Gen. Ulysses Grant won one of his biggest victories, boasts four floating casinos and a military park.

However, a 1996 study by the Vicksburg Convention and Visitors Bureau found that few gamblers visited the battlefield.

But we know, EDDIE: it'll bring in TOURISTS which means more WAITERS and JANITORS and BELLHOPS and MAIDS to lead PENNSYLVANIA into the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY.

Posted 5:01 PM by Gene

Looks like THE OSAMA CHANNEL and its MANY FRIENDS IN THE NEWS BIZ are doing the HOLY COCKROACHES ANOTHER FAVOR.

The channel's also issuing an ultimatum: "[T]he Shura Council of the Mujahedeen of Iraq has given Australia 72 hours to begin withdrawing its troops from Iraq."

Can there be any doubt THE OSAMA CHANNEL is the voice of humanity's enemies?

Oddly the proud picture does not appear on the OSAMA's Web site -- yet. Maybe WHORVIS COMMUNICATIONS is ADVISING THEM.

Maybe also the time has come to e-mail THE OSAMA CHANNEL'S PRINCIPAL SPONSOR.

Posted 4:54 PM by Gene

SHUCKS, the company that brought advanced materials to movies is facing an "informal" federal probe.

Think we can improve on our LONG, DISTINGUISHED RECORD of FINES?

Posted 2:51 PM by Gene

Another stunning loss for our superiors: an appeals court has BURNED THE BROADCAST FLAG!

COPYING FOREVER!

Posted 2:41 PM by Gene

EXHIBITS No. 16,275,864, 16,275,865 and 16,275,866 in why NEWS HACKS will NEVER IMPROVE: Michael "Mr. Inside" Wolff takes a WHACK at Jack "The Critic" Shafer in Vanity Fair for being a "high-school monitor." The Critic WHACKS BACK at him for being a "sloppy, lazy media columnist." Mr. Inside WHACKS BACK because of his tormentor's "hysteria." Nowhere does it cross these IDIOTS' minds that maybe the fault lies with BOTH OF THEM, that they've become CARICATURES of the kind of SELF-OBSESSED, SELF-REFERENTIAL, WHINY, OVERPAID, UNDERTALENTED, HERMETICALLY-SEALED, PUBLIC-BE-DAMNED MEDIA HACKS who TORMENT US EVERY BLASTED DAY.

Posted 11:37 AM by Gene

Who's more POWERFUL: AMERICA'S MOTHERS (God bless 'em) or AMERICA'S DEFACTO PARENTS RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and SUMNER?

WE MUST ASK THIS QUESTION -- AGAIN?

Posted 10:50 AM by Gene

Pull a tube, win an award!

That's too easy, but the whole farcical tragedy of Terri Schiavo was also too easy.

Posted 10:29 AM by Gene

There are several reasons ST. WARREN gets such fulsome press coverage: He is a DEMOCRAT, like Sen. McPAIN; He is an EXORBITANTLY RICH Democrat, which makes it better; He endorses population control, which means He sides with the angels; He owns a chunk of WaPost, and that alone fills Him with wisdom; He owned a chunk of CapCities, and according to Ken Felatta CapCities was the SEAT of GODLINESS; He is a CEO, and as a biz which will never stop calling NEUTRON JACK by his first name of LEGENDARY has showed, no success is greater than amassing money; and He was lucky, which by the hacks' thinking is the best reason of all. Perhaps the ST. is as good as His PR, but the fact He gets so much of it is reason to be suspicious; and the dead forest of NEWSHACKERY abounds with innumerable examples of nice famous men whom the inexorable work of time revealed to be not so nice. I HATE NEWS HACKS!

ROMY, CAN'T you link to SOMETHING ELSE?

Posted 10:02 AM by Gene

I am not sure what this book is supposed to prove. If the purpose is to diminish Blue, it may not have added much to what the liar Kitty Kelley did, for Blue was a self-diminishing figure; on the other hand, the stories do make it harder to accept what he did before the mike, but then it is impossible to listen to him, even in his best moments, without a tang of jealousy.

And isn't it a little late in the day for the alleged comedian and full-time pathos-man Jerry Lewis to say Blue was a Mafia bagman? This is news?

(Good hed from this RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! outfit: Fly Me to the Mob. Actually RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s a kind of mogul version of Blue except He can't sing and has no known talents other than sleaze.)

Posted 9:21 AM by Gene

We may be surprised the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEU considers the fall of the Berlin Wall "the end of dictatorship," but some of the newer members lived on the other side.

Posted 8:58 AM by Gene

Tom Friedman goes on a book tour to put his finger on America's pulse (and his book's) and to collect a few platitudes, like this:

[W]hat was new for me on this tour was the number of people who also mentioned getting their news from Jon Stewart's truly funny news satire, "The Daily Show." And I am not just talking about college kids. I am talking about grandmas. Just how many people are now getting their only TV news from Comedy Central is not clear to me - but it is a lot, lot more than you think.

We may not respect the Nielsens, but we can gather a few generalities from them, such as: not THAT many people watch the EDWARD R. MURROW of COMEDY, but it is exceedingly likely a fair number of PAPER OF RE-CORD readers who are BOOK BUYERS do -- including grandmas. Whether this proves anything more than what a TRULY ESTEEMED PAPER OF RE-CORD columnist writes is doubtful, but then I don't earn his salary or royalties.

ROMY, CAN'T you link to SOMETHING ELSE?

Posted 8:27 AM by Gene

Meantime another top reporter at USAOKAY!!!!! has resigned for writing less than the truth, which means we'll REALLY go full bore for LUCAS SPIELBERG.

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

I would not call a man with twenty-five years' military experience soft, but one wonders whether Col. David Hackworth, being the media's idea of a soldier for always criticizing everything with the red light on, wasn't in the end unwilling to go the last mile. It's easy to fight a war from a comfy desk in an office at BLUNDER rag; one would think a former soldier would have known it's not so easy otherwise. RIP.

Add ESTEEMED to THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY.

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

SIX SIGMA!!!!! comes to UNIVERSAL CITY:

In a bid to get cheaper prices for services, GE has instructed the studio to use the company's "preferred vendors" for camera rentals, film labs, overnight couriers and air travel, among others. Most purchase decisions that had been handled by Universal's own production managers and line producers now move through an NBC Universal department headed by GE veteran Marcia Haynes, whose most recent job was as an executive in the company's advanced materials division.

Advanced materials, movies -- at GE BANCORP, what's the difference?

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

I'd never heard of Zaman Online before or the Anadolu News Agency, but they got to the heart of the matter:

British Media Highlight Blair's Decreasing Votes

To be sure, the Brits just had an election quite like our last one -- a bad vs. a worse: Tony the Churchillian Wimp vs. ? But the hacks ALWAYS have to be at the heart of EVERYTHING, being the self-center of the UNIVERSE. But with Tony's dazzling performance it won't be long before a new PM, and then the British Media will have something else to highlight besides themselves.

Posted 5:37 PM by Gene

Another hack engages in what he supposes to be SATIRE about NICK DORKEN and BLOGGING, to which we say: if the news biz were a time machine it would speed in twenty different directions toward its own black hole.

We thank you again, ROMY, and again we thank you -- for WHAT?

Posted 5:14 PM by Gene

Sorry for the long thin photo montage from Playbill.com, but I had to make a point: these are some of the famous "stars" who played in and showed at the premiere of the Sweet Charity revival, part of CHEAP CHANNEL's farewell to the musical BIZ. (The show's putative star is on top.) Now think a second. Do they look so glamorous? There was a time stars looked like stars. These folk look like slightly better versions of ordinary people, and except for that FATSO BROAD who RAN A MAGAZINE it's hard to recognize them. Modern digital photography must take a big share of the blame -- but so do the FACES.

Posted 5:07 PM by Gene

That Beltway Sarcasm mode of Mickey K's is the last thing I want to face at the end of the day, especially when the topic's SocSec and he takes OVER 2,500 WORDS. Really, I think it can be summed up in fewer: someday SocSec will be busted, but nobody knows when; if it can be fixed it will require things the geezers and Democrats may not like; whether any changes work depends on the economy, and who knows what that'll do; and chances are better than fifty-fifty the CONGRESSFRAUDS will leave the system in worse shape than they found it. This does not require 2,500 words, or residence in the Beltway. Indeed verbiage like this explains why so many stupids would spend their time debating RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!'s MAJOR BOWESES, a three-ring headache in itself.

Posted 3:35 PM by Gene

The next big thing in junk climatology: DIMMING.

Posted 2:14 PM by Gene

Standard & Poor's Cuts Ford and G.M. Debt Rating to Junk Status

It took THIS long for Wall Street to catch on?

Posted 2:05 PM by Gene

A further explanation of "humor" at THE CORNER:

Which reminds me of a story.

My wife and I went to see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense. I am a sucker for a good twist, and the whole thing worked just great for me. (I was similarly pleased by The Usual Suspects and displeased by The Crying Game. She was so cute!) Then, as we were walking out, my wife said she had found five of the signs, but not the sixth.

"What?" I said with the kind of confusion she has come to expect from me.

"I counted five signs, but I didn’t see the sixth sign." I pointed to the nearby poster advertising The Sixth Sense.

"Oh," she said. "Crap."

Now, in my opinion, that’s funny.

What, the joke or crap?

Posted 12:24 PM by Gene

Longhorn will be a very big deal. Just in the last few weeks we saw a lot of excitement about the new Apple operating system. And because they're these super-small market-share guys, they get all these nice statements about them.

AW, don't be so MODEST, Bill!

Posted 11:30 AM by Gene

Shucks, MORE injustice: a Marine was "cleared" (temporarily, at least) in shooting an Iraqi.

Why can't these people be found guilty ALL THE TIME?

Posted 11:16 AM by Gene

I think we can assume the outcome: it becomes impossible to get a driver's license -- and the terrorists find new ways of faking it.

Don't you CONGRESSCLOWNS have something better to do in your spare time -- like ENGAGING IN ANATOMICAL IMPOSSIBILITIES?

Posted 10:53 AM by Gene

EXCITING NEWS from SLASHDOT: Seattle's SPACE NEEDLE's going to become a WI-FI ANTENNA!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!

Now can the Bugmeister screw this up?

Posted 9:08 AM by Gene

What BELTWAY WONKS do with TOO MUCH TIME and MONEY ON THEIR HANDS:

There was a common prejudice among the educated elite in England at the time that the steam driven rotary press was making books inexpensive enough to be affordable to the lower classes. The Industrial Revolution had created the need for a more educated workforce than had existed in an agrarian economy. But the elites were not pleased that the masses were reading the new pulp fiction rather than the classics they stocked in the library.

What this has to do with seven companies controlling much of our media and providing cover for them is beyond me, but it does make a good talking point at the press conference no one attends.

Posted 8:45 AM by Gene

The nice thing about getting a dozen or so accidental hits a day is that nobody knows you're making an ass of yourself.

Posted 8:20 AM by Gene

Denny proposes a leisurely walk around the block for retirement "reform," which tells us maybe people aren't as eager to OWN STOCK as the GOP thought.

"October or November...of next year," says Chuck Grassley. What next year? When you're still in control?

Posted 8:12 AM by Gene

Hey STERNO! If you and your friends are so much smarter than we how come GOOGLE's uncovered only THIRTEEN HITS of THE SECOND COMING -- one YOUR PRESS RELEASE!

We should remember how STERNO'S campaign for HIS GOD came out. Maybe even the biz senses its goose is cooked. But not for a moment do we deceive ourselves that it can't still lay golden eggs -- to break over our heads.

Posted 6:49 AM by Gene

Democracy, Arab style:

Egyptian Prime Minister Ahmed Nazif...suggested that the opposition will not be prepared to run serious candidates until 2011 at the earliest.

How much do you get in our aid?

Posted 6:38 AM by Gene

When NEWS HACKS and politicians design buildings, the result may be a third-of-a-mile-high fiasco.

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

In the never-ending war between Noo Yawk's two dubious tabloids, brave folk take A STAND:

Gawker.com's Jessica Coen complained: "It's funny how you spend your whole damn day trying to register for the Post's online edition - after all, you don't put this much effort into far more significant activities, like toilet training your cat. Nevertheless, the Post is your kitty litter of choice..."

Cybergossip Matt Drudge - whose drudgereport.com is perhaps the single biggest driver of Internet traffic to news sites - had even considered delinking Post features.

"I have more respect for my readers than to ask them their phone number, home address and how much they make - especially in this age of identity theft and database hacking," Drudge told me.

We shall ignore that Gawker's contents often resemble used kitty litter, or that WALTER "SPYWARE" WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is perhaps the single biggest driver of downloads for anti-spyware software, but DA NOOZ must make its point. Yes, we registered for DA POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too. Had we known...but it beat toilet-training a cat -- or removing spyware.

Posted 6:48 PM by Gene

In a supremely eloquent commentary in The New Criterion Roger Kimball sums up what's wrong with academia in one sentence:

"[A]cademic freedom" has mutated from being a protection into being a weapon.

We see it in the egghead factories; we see it in BIG MEDIA: "freedom" becomes the motivation for tyranny. Sadly, faced with the outrages of HYER EHDYUKAYSHUN even Mr. Kimball is at something of a loss, as must any thinking man be. He admits 9/11 may have had at best a peripheral effect on us, and he shrugs his shoulders with an unfortunate (if unwitting) analog to the "if-you-don't-like-it-turn-the-set-off" shtick of our media masters by suggesting parents and alumni defund the many offending institutions. But so long as there's a Harvard there will be social climbers, and so long as there's tenure there will be radical chic. One can only hope, as he does, that "[t]he tide, ebbing for decades, has begun to flow."

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

I just "signed" BIGMEDIA's petition, or tried to (since it wouldn't allow me to change the petition's text), and it probably didn't send when I sent it, but here it is, as follows:

I like the way you don't allow anyone to tamper with YOUR text. You claim you don't want to be censored, yet you DARE to censor us. This is precisely the kind of double-standard I expect of MEDIA ZILLIONAIRES.

You really expect me to believe a coalition run by GE, NEWSCORP and VIACOM has MY best interests at heart? What's next -- are you going to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge? You only want your own brand of control over the peons. You don't want anybody telling you how to do anything, just as you've done ever since you BIGMEDIA frauds became a national menace. Besides, your sugar daddies in the advertising trade will ALWAYS pay. With YOUR power and THEIR money, why are you kvetching? Sincerely, A Disgruntled Voter who is Sick and Tired of Special Interest Groups like Yours

Next time, I may do it even longer.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Brilliance on Wall Street:

Merrill Lynch estimates that GMAC's non-auto assets could be worth as much as $25 per share, implying about $5 value for the combined auto business and GMAC's auto financing business.

GM closed today at $32.80. Isn't it time to, uh, take profits?

(And brilliance too among the computers that edit Forbes.com. "Billionaire Kirk Kerkorian could care less about General Motors' new Buick LaCrosse or Hummer H3." Who says news Web sites can't be as scintillatingly typed as NEWSPAPERS?)

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

PINCH regally says from his limo that WAL-MART should PAY MORE, which will inevitably be followed by JONAHS and DOW 36,000S and KUDLOWS saying the MART pays TOO MUCH.

Both sides agree: THE PUBLIC BE DAMNED!

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

A PREDICTION: When TOM FRESTON takes over the 'CON's cable biz, at the giddy urging of IDIOT ADVERTISERS like P&G and COKE one of the first things he'll explore is a COMEDY NEWS CHANNEL. My guess is SUMNER looks upon what the EDWARD R. MURROWS of COMEDY are doing as a kind of reality TV, a way of deking out advertisers who wouldn't know better even if they did. My further guess is his bean counters are already looking at a PRIME-TIME COMEDY CENTRAL NEWS BLOCK, and possibly going LIVE with it. Never mind there isn't enough material in a day for a half minute of comedy; as THE CORNER proves the channel's fans will laugh at ANYTHING. Just one problem: what if something AWFUL happens in a day? How do you COMEDY-CENTRALIZE that? Knowing SUMNER's gang they'd probably go ahead and make fun of natural disasters, airplane crashes, terrorist attacks -- who knows? They may specialize in HUMOROUS OBITUARIES -- and doubly so because LIBERAL NEWS HACKS will call them EDGY and full of ATTITUDE, and the EQUAL AND OPPOSITE MORONS can speak glowingly of the SOUTH PARK CONSERVATIVES cleverly sprinkled on the programming. In a decent world a comedy news channel would bomb, but this isn't a decent world.

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

Tonight we will find out definitively if CHEAP CHANNEL was wrong for bolting the theater biz SCREAMING.

Posted 2:49 PM by Gene

This arcane and buried story about an insurance settlement involving Paxson Communications shows the -- DISASTER of 9/11 will never go away, nor should it, as long as we have hearts.

Posted 2:41 PM by Gene

The news hacks will scream INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!!! or something, but this whole business has never been about justice, it's about SHOWING OFF YOUR HIGH MORAL STANDARDS.

Posted 12:54 PM by Gene

Before the French hector us again about our MORALS, they may want to keep turned INWARD.

Some of the alleged abusers are accused of playing games of "doctor" with the children.

That's to be expected -- some of their grandfathers' ilk played games of Dr. Mengele with Jews.

Posted 11:28 AM by Gene

Another cockroach captured.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

One of THE PAPER OF RE-CORD's dearly departing PUBLIC EDI-TOR's complaints about the rag was how it sold Broadway. Well the selling hasn't stopped. I guess that long list of mostly has-beens and not-that-well-knowns could be called stars, but to insinuate that the Fabulous Invalid has jumped out of bed to dance a jig is just a little beyond our stomach.

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

As we all know, advertisers bend over backwards to avoid controversy, unless it appeals to their target demographic. Happily this is NASCAR, more happily it involved a big wreck, which makes fans happy, and happiest still, it involves one driver calling another driver an idiot, so that means we'll be pouring billions more into AMERICA'S SPORT.

Posted 9:33 AM by Gene

New QUAGMIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Iraq's police force is BRUTALLLLLLLLLLLL.

Honestly, "Christians," did we expect angels to grow from the wreckage of Saddam's regime overnight? And if the new Iraqi forces of brutallllllllllll, think of the ALTERNATIVE -- an alternative the Iraqis "enjoyed" for DECADES.

Posted 9:28 AM by Gene

1500 Microsoft Bloggers Can Keep A Secret But Gates Can't

This depresses me. What do these 1500 sons of the Bugmeister say? I didn't even know His empire HAD 1500 bloggers. If so many bloggers don't matter what about someone without an imprimatur? I've been typing into space lately and am getting slightly tired of it.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

Con-SER-va-tives are upset that two can play that game too, but while everyone is feeling swelled up, let us say, as this all-too-humble blogger has said before, people will not remember Kos anymore than they'll remember THE BLOGGERS OF THE MILLENNIUM and their FONTS.

Posted 9:15 AM by Gene

Oklahoma City Bomber Nichols Says a 3rd Man Took Part in Plot

This isn't the third man WE had in mind.

Bad news: Dana "Surfer Dude" Rohrabacher may conduct hearings. TRANSLATION: The Arabs are OUT.

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

In a more useful link from ArtsJournal.com, one of the world's leading conductors writes (and finances) an "opera," with predictable results:

[Lorin] Maazel has merely provided a soundtrack to the story. The vocal lines are characterless and his score adds nothing to the uncertain dramatic trajectory or to the work's rather top-heavy structure (the first act lasts 100 minutes, the second less than 50), with music that is a lexicon of the most obvious borrowings.

The appearance of a children's chorus provokes writing that might have been left over from Lionel Bart's Oliver!; the love scenes veer between Puccini-like verismo and the works of Richard Rodgers.

Rising tension is signalled by menacing Hammer-horror ostinatos, and moments of heavy-handed satire that evoke the spirit of 1920s Kurt Weill.

And when O'Brien tells Winston that he must learn to love Big Brother he does so to a tune that really would be more appropriate for selling ice cream than as the climax of a supposedly serious opera.

With all these borrowings Mr. Maazel should bring it to America -- where he'd be acclaimed a GENIUS!

Posted 9:04 AM by Gene

A couple of tub-thumping partisan millionaire pollsters get paid by big business to run a slanted poll. This is news?

We'll be watching you and your employers' stratagem, BOYS.

Posted 8:46 AM by Gene

KIRK KERKORIAN is out to SAVE? DESTROY? BUY? GM?????

Posted 8:21 AM by Gene

We would pay little attention to this story of how the Loews theater chain, in response to an Illinois legislator's complaints, will now list actual starting times for movies in its ads, but the Trib took the time to list two organizations behind the move -- Captive Motion Picture Audience of America (note the initials: CMPAA) and didntialreadypayforthismovie.com, which was kind enough to list some of its favorite movie sponsors, a list we will trumpet in BOLDFACE:

THE U. S. ARMY!

FANDANGO.COM!

TOYOTA MOTOR!

DAIMLER'S CHRYSLER DIVISION!

COCA-COLA!

UNILEVER!

SONY!

VOLKSWAGEN!

FORD'S VOLVO DIVISION!

ESPN!

USA FREEDOM CORPS!

GE BANCORP ENTERTAINMENT!

We'll stop here -- these are enough -- but only to say, these are ALL proud members of THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF WILLFULLY IGNORANT ADVERTISERS, and will do anything and everything in their power to alienate potential customers.

P. S. We must paste IN FULL this letter to the CMPAA -- a classic example of HOW DILBERTS THINK:

-----Original Message-----
From: Kurt Hall
Sent: Monday, May 19, 2003 8:06 AM
To: 'information@captiveaudience.org'
Cc: Lauren Leff
Subject: FW: Letter to Jason Thompson - captiveaudience.org

Dear Mr. Thompson,

Dick Westerling forwarded your recent email to me. I oversee Regal CineMedia, the media subsidiary of Regal Entertainment Group (REG) and I'm glad you took the time to write to us about your recent experience at our Hillsboro theatre.

It is clear that you and others have had a less than satisfying experience viewing pre-feature advertising over the years. As you know, the pre-show program in theatres has for many years been dominated by static slide advertising, which is primarily local in nature with somewhat low production quality, and a selection of national advertisements that were produced for television. All of us here at Regal Entertainment agree that the pre-feature slide and rolling stock television advertising that is traditionally shown in theatres across the country is in need of improvement from a quality, as well as an entertainment standpoint. In fact, that is one of the reasons why we have invested so heavily in a new digital technology network and higher-quality digital projection equipment for our theatres nationwide.

The technology we are in the process of installing reaching about 80% of REG's screens nationwide improves the sight and sound of our pre-show presentation, delivering a significant improvement from the pre-feature advertising that is typically shown in most theatres. Since the spring of 2002, we have been updating our theatres with this new technology and one of the benefits is our improved pre-show program, which we've named The 2wenty. As you experienced, The 2wenty is a combination of short-form, original entertainment segments, interspersed with high quality national advertising, which in most cases is made for the cinema.

The pre-show is designed to begin approximately 20 minutes before the advertised show time and is currently available in 20 markets in over 200 theatres reaching approximately 2,500 screens, including our theatres in the Portland metropolitan area. The 2wenty ends at about advertised show time and is followed by the movie studios' previews and feature film presentation. Currently our technical team is installing new digital technology across the U.S. in one theatre every day, six days a week, converting approximately 60 screens per week.

Just as is the case with films, the key to our success, is the creativity and entertainment value of the presentation. Our main focus is to create a more entertaining pre show program for our early arriving patrons. To that end, we are working very closely with our content partners, advertisers and agencies to significantly improve the quality of what is shown in theatres prior to the trailers and feature presentation. In effect, we are creating a new "canvas" for the creative community to paint on.

As our patrons begin to understand The 2wenty segments will change each month, with certain content and ads changing more frequently, we are hopeful our new pre-show will be something that patrons plan to arrive early to view, if they so desire. We are continually conducting independent surveys through third party researchers to get feedback from our patrons on how The 2wenty is being received and we are using that information to improve the program as we move forward.

In addition to distributing The 2wenty, Regal's new digital network also allows for the programming of alternative events in movie theatres. In recent months, Regal has multicast live concert events with artists such as Korn, Tom Petty and Grammy Award-winning rock band Third Day to multiple theatre locations across the country. A live, simulcast of a college football game was also distributed last fall in High Definition to fans at select theatres, as well as the red carpet premiere event for the recent Jennifer Lopez movie, "Maid in Manhattan." Most recently, a live, national "virtual classroom" event for 3,300 students and educators with Academy Award-winning director James Cameron and actor Bill Paxton was recently held in 13 theatre locations across the country, including two locations in the Portland area, to discuss the filmmaker's new underwater 3D IMAX adventure, "Ghosts of the Abyss."

The most influencing factor in switching to this new format has been the advances in digital technology that are changing and will continue to change the entertainment industry. We have been undergoing this transformation since early 2002 and at this point, we have plans in place to continuing installing new digital technology in Regal Entertainment Group theatres throughout first quarter of 2004, ultimately reaching over 400 locations and approximately 5,000 screens.

Regal is committed to improving the entertainment value in our theatres and I hope you will come early to view upcoming installments of The 2wenty. I am confident you will continue to see an enhancement over what is typically seen on most theatre screens. Please feel free to continue to let us know what you think or give us suggestions on how we might improve. Like any new technology or business paradigm, our digital pre show presentation will continue to evolve over time. As such, any feedback you could give us would be helpful.

Sincerely,
Kurt Hall

I SAY IT'S ADVERTISING, AND I SAY THE HELL WITH IT.

Posted 8:13 AM by Gene

Every once in a while I GUESS the WaPosties have to run one of THESE because after all once upon a time we did call evangelicals easily bullied or stupid or sieg heil or whatever we called them, but we can be sure, deep in the hearts of ST. WARREN'S CHERUBIM, fundamentalist Christians are STILL Nazis.

Three days later Frank Rich, an often acute, broadly knowledgeable and witty cultural observer....

Acute? How about obtuse?

Posted 6:37 AM by Gene

The Cute Little Pink Paper giggles, but the Olin Foundation was all too well aware of O'Sullivan's First Law: "All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing."

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

We all want this low-grade war to be over (and last time I saw, the BUTTMAN INSTITUTE didn't support it, which is probably why they asked you for a quote), but again, we want to know what NEWS HACKS propose. That we cut and run? Of course, if that will elect a DEMOCRAT PRESIDENT. When not dreaming of the next napalm girl you seem to know everything, HACKS. What do we do? Put on your empty thinking caps!

We'd be better off consulting the EDWARD R. MURROWS OF COMEDY.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

When do we hacks take the exceptionally annoying story of the runaway bride and turn it PC to suit our demagoguery?

Posted 6:23 AM by Gene

Great. TWO EDWARD R. MURROWS OF COMEDY.

Maybe STERNO was right: VIACON ought to turn its Network News unit over to Comedy Central and be done with it. SUMNER seems always to think in terms of comedy anyway.

UPDATE!!!!!

The project is the first developed under Comedy's first-look agreement with Jon Stewart's Busboy Productions, Inc. and will be produced by Busboy in association with Spartina Productions, Inc. Stewart, Ben Karlin and Colbert will serve as executive producers.

VIACON'S LAUNCHING A SECOND NEWS DIVISION!!!!!

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

Though this hack tries to make it sound otherwise Montreal seems to be doing quite well without professional sports -- a situation every last municipal RENDELL is incapable of conceiving, being addicted to backscratching and MONEY WASTING.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

New U.S. military base closings "will be tsunamis in the communities they hit," the chairman of the commission that will help decide which facilities survive said Tuesday as his panel met for the first time.

This is a stupid thing to say -- first given that no base closure ever killed 200,000, nor did any tsunami save any money. Closing bases may be a misguided way of pinching pennies, but with OSSIFIED KLEAGLE and THE GREAT ALASKAN PIG peeking from behind every gold-plated Congressionally-inspired edifice, what's the choice?

Posted 5:04 PM by Gene

Another teeny tiny musical opens on what is technically Broadway, and while THE PAPER OF RE-CORD blesses it even its writer (not the first-stringer Mr. Brantley, please note) says it "occasionally suggests a Saturday morning television cartoon set to music by Stephen Sondheim" (sorry to bring him up TWICE today), which makes us wonder how much closer to the truth Howard Kissel's Daily Nooz pan is. What with character names like "Leaf Coneybear [and] Logainne Schwartzandgruben­ierre (her last name is drawn from her two gay fathers)," we fear it is quite close.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

These loudmouths of the failed wedding are going to be in OUR family for quite some time.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

I'm puzzled why a TOENAIL.COM typist would accuse THE BOSS of BS since that's precisely what made TOENAIL.COM great.

Let's sum it up in a few words: Bruce is the HERR DOKTOR SONDHEIM of POP, he can't sing, and he was KNIGHTED by LORD KOPPEL of ESPNDOM. NUF SED.

Posted 4:55 PM by Gene

I like the First Lady -- she's an attractive, decent woman, and she has what used to be called "spunk" -- but I really wish the thousands of handlers of public figures wouldn't try to "humanize" them, especially by insisting they tell bad jokes. It's fakery that got us to believing every public figure is a fraud, and more fakery, however well-meaning, will not change that.

Posted 2:29 PM by Gene

What you guys need is WALTER P. CHRYSLER. HE knew what to do:



Unfortunately all we have is Chuck Schumer, Gov. George "D." Pataki, and New York's Honorary Mayor.

Posted 10:10 AM by Gene

GE BANCORP? would engage in SHADY ACCOUNTING?? to "SMOOTH" EARNINGS?!?!?!?!?

SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8:57 AM by Gene

Surprise: JACK'S ALPHABET SOUP IS BAD FOR YOU -- and WORSE FOR KIDS.

Now back to the usual indifference.

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

Here we were about to make guesswork fun of Robert "Over the" Hilburn for dancing in the aisles (or so we suppose; we don't subscribe to the LALATimes, nor would we) and out comes Orson Scott Card, the "SPEC-U-LA-TIVE" FICTIONIST and biiiiiiiiig fan of WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!! The Jesus Slasher Movie, speculating in LALA that maybe Star Trek wasn't so hot. Okay, perhaps our youthful reminiscences are colored with nostalgia, and he makes a good point -- and then he ruins it with this typically SPEC-U-LA-TIVE-FICTIONIST typing:

Now we finally have first-rate science fiction film and television that are every bit as good as anything going on in print.

In other words, I'm a genius, and finally we have genius to match my genius. Problem is, Or-SON, all we have in the movies is sci-fi and horror, and that's thanks in no small way to the GET-A-LIFE types your speculative crew's infantile fantasies have inspired. Besides, isn't "first-rate science fiction film and television" an oxymoron anyway?

And no, it's NOT a character from PHILIP K. DICK.

Posted 6:40 AM by Gene

And speaking of holier-than-thou ethics and morals, two Mississippi congressmen also received the benefit of a certain CREDIT CARD, but they don't count because they're DEMOCRATS.

If we could judge Congress by its own fake standards there'd be no Congress left -- which would be fine with us.

And I wouldn't gloat, con-SER-va-tives; your boy SNIDELY is no better than TWO MISSISSIPPI CONGRESSMEN.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

More bull on the ethics front:

Congress has come a long way from the days when Sen. Daniel Webster penned an 1833 letter reminding banking interests that his "annual retainer" was due and important banking legislation was coming up in the US Senate. Today, he'd be swiftly expelled and prosecuted.

Oh yeah? He'd know better, and his clients would know better -- as witness the first sentence in the next graf:

But even as standards [i.e., pieces of paper saying that's a no-no] have risen, so has the volume of dollars flowing through the capital.

Congress may seem more ethical on the surface, but with all those campaign contributions floating around it's less so. But Congresspoops and the hacks think that by presenting a surface compliance with "ethical" standards they can continue with their old shaft-the-public routine, and they're right.

Posted 5:41 PM by Gene

Judging from some of the latest contents it may be time to subscribe to The American Enterprise again.

Posted 5:32 PM by Gene

I wish I'd known of this earlier: Another blogger learns the hard truth -- the Professor is a GLIBERTARIAN.

Could it be the cancer curers of blogging are not as universally admired as they always say they are?

Thank you, RANESH PONNURU, for linking, and if we mattered you might be happy WE got your name right.

P. S. Ace of Spades might want to learn how to spell "disingenuous" more than once.

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

And in what passes for savvy from SUMNER and THE MOONER:

TV Land is paying tribute to "Everybody Loves Raymond" by airing programming so annoying during the sitcom's CBS finale that viewers can't help but want to change the channel.

The cable channel, devoted to airing reruns of classic series, will show a room filled with 210 guys named Raymond when the show's final episode airs May 16.

They'll each wear a T-shirt with the title of one of the show's episodes and stand, one by one, to introduce themselves and the episode title have on [SIC].

This is such a scintillating stunt the flack lost track of his words. Oh well, we've completely lost track of TV.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

More upcoming (!!!!!) GENIUS in the movie biz:

Richard Kelly and Cherry Road Films are smelling what The Rock is cooking. The wrestling thespian (a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson) will star with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Seann [SIC] William Scott in the upcoming sci-fi thriller Southland Tales, with Kelly adapting from a series of 100-page graphic novels, which he will also pen, about the apocalyptic state of Los Angeles on July 4, 2008. The novels will be released over the six-month period leading up to the film release, which will cover the final three chapters of the series. Other cast members include Janeane Garofalo, Jason Lee, Amy Poehler and Kevin Smith. Bo Hyde, Sean McKittrick and Kendall Morgan will produce, and Moby and Trent Reznor will compose the music for the film.

The graphic-novel-adaptation trend continues with Revolution Studios’ Zoom, to be adapted by Tim Allen (who will also star), Adam Rifkin, David Berenbaum and Matt Carroll from Jason Lethcoe’s Zoom’s Academy for the Super Gifted. Courteney Cox will join Allen in the Peter Hewitt–directed story of a program for superheroes. Suzanne and Jennifer Todd will produce, and Neil Machlis, Trevor Engelson and Nick Osborne will serve as executive producers for the project, which begins production in July and will be released next year by Columbia.

Platinum Studios joins the comic mix with another story of the deteriorating modern world, Dead of Night, which scribes Joshua Oppenheimer and Tom Donnelly will adapt from the Italian comic- and graphic-novel series Dylan Dog. First set up in December ’04, the story follows an ex-cop who must fight off the supernatural beings—vampires, werewolves and other odd creatures—that only he and a select few human beings can see. Aaron Severson, Jay Burns and Platinum’s Scott Mitchell Rosenberg will produce the project, which was purchased for mid-seven-figures. Ervin Rustemagic will executive produce....

Wouldn't it be better if our culture just ran of a cliff? Or is that what it's doing?

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

Jilted Ga. Groom Still Wants to Marry His Runaway Bride

You're entitled, guy, but I think maybe the bride-elect was sending you a -- message?

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

Most people who blather about freedom of speech have not coached in the NBA.

We might add Mark Cuban is climbing on our oh-shut-up list. Shut up, Mark.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

It is somehow apt that a company that cannot go a day without slanting the news should lose the records of 600,000 of its employees.

And how does a company lose data on 600,000 employees? Did somebody take a nap?

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

We can look at it this way: the good Lord and medicine gave him nearly twenty fine years of life, where the alternative was zero.

Posted 11:48 AM by Gene

But -- it COULDN'T FAIL! It's -- TOO BIG to FAIL! This is GE BANCORP!! GE BANCORP NEVER FAILS!!!

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

Boy, ROMY's busy today! But at least with this link he reminds us of what NIKKI (whom we must confess we view as another show-biz bigmouth) wrote several months back:

[Former ESPNCORP flack John] Dreyer made it clear that [Wall Street Journals show-biz press agent Bruce] Orwall, [leading TWXSTER organization man and toady John] Huey, Larry King, Lou Dobbs, Bloomberg and Barron's were potentially Disney’s most easily controlled media outlets.

OR:

"Michael, your stock has staged a comeback in recent months. What do you plan to do to keep the momentum going?"

"Mike, gotta question, what's your favorite cartoon character?"

I made up these lines and I KNOW AS MUCH AS NIKKI FINKE!

Posted 11:30 AM by Gene

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooh, THE PAPER OF RE-CORD sics THREE HACKS on a REPUBLICAN for -- ALLEGING BIAS!

GOD!!!!! AMERICA NEEDS YOU -- MORE THAN EVER!!!!! (We mean BILL MOYERS. SORRY, PINCH. SORRY, ST. WARREN.)

(P. S. In my original post I mentioned that GOD! was retired. He unretired Himself. That was some short retirement, GOD!!)

Posted 9:50 AM by Gene

"The last three weeks have been the darkest yet most enlightening of my professional life."

TRANSLATION: DUCK!! ANOTHER FLYING KEYBOARD!!!!!

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

GOD may have his harps, but his superior ST. WARREN has THE UKULELE!

OR:

Warren Buffett says he doesn't want to compromise probes but has $1 billion insurance deal in works. [Home page tease]

Nicely put!

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

And bonus points for ROMY for linking to this WALL STREET JOURNALS PIECE about the CRISIS in CIRCULATION.

And we ALL know what the problem is, Romy -- it's all those YOUNG PEOPLE who aren't reading -- and

THE DO-NOT-CALL LAW!!!!!

That the JOURNALS LIBERAL EDITION blames the DO-NOT-CALL LAW too means we'll be hearing from the JOURNALS CONSERVATIVE EDITION, no doubt.

Posted 9:39 AM by Gene

We now turn to ROMY -- who gets his bobblehead shaking vigorously as THE CONSCIENCE OF THE NEWS INDUSTRY calls IRAQ VIETNAM -- AGAIN!

We'd suggest you try decaf, ROMY, but we suspect you're onto something STRONGER.

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

And had we seen this yesterday we would have awarded Mr. CHRISSSSSSSSSSTIAN! a NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TOO! Aw heck, it SELLS, we'll give it to him ANYWAY!

Who says you can't teach an old GOD new tricks? PINCH knows you can really UP the circulation by SPINNING AND SELLING! However loudly we HECTOR our readers about DUBYA we can REALLY beat them over the head PITCHING THESE HOT NEW MOVIES!!!!!

Posted 9:31 AM by Gene

Sex sells - and so does USAOKAY!!!!!

And Mike has it both ways here -- he can sell, AND he can be PC about it! A special FEMINIST NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO YOU, MIKE!

Posted 6:06 PM by Gene

And in connection to that, a quote from James Hammerstein, a son of Oscar II, in Meryl Secrest's altogether-too-blah bio of Richard Rodgers (sorry to bring up that name again):

"Infidelity is taken casually in a business like ours, where there are so many exceptionally interesting people of both sexes and you're working at a level where you know intimate things about people you are never going to see again after the six weeks are up."

Can anyone say with a straight face there are "exceptionally interesting people" in show-biz anymore?

Posted 5:56 PM by Gene

Stefan Kanfer has written a fine article about vaudeville for City Journal, which sums up, on this tenth consecutive down weekend for the B.O., why today's entertainment stinks: there is simply no place for it to practice and get better. A very pungent insight comes early on:

The word “vaudeville” derives from the French vau-de-vire, referring to the Valley of the Vire in Normandy, where itinerant singers amused the crowds with double entendre–packed songs. The tradition soon crossed the pond and by the mid-nineteenth century had become even trashier. Coarse buffoons and loose women formed the customary fare. In Huckleberry Finn, those two wandering frauds, the King and the Duke, offer a typical act, the Royal Nonesuch. In big type, the handbill warns customers: women and children not admitted. “There,” says the Duke, admiring his handiwork. “If that line don’t fetch them, I don’t know Arkansaw!” The routine, Huck reports, features the King “a-prancing out on all fours, naked; and he was painted all over, ring-streaked-and-striped, all sorts of colors, as splendid as a rainbow. . . . Well, it would have made a cow laugh to see the shines that old idiot cut.”

Such travesties placed vaudeville performers at the bottom tier of show business, at a time when even legitimate theater folk drew suspicion. “Respectable” hotels and restaurants barred vaudevillians. The rooming houses and cafeterias that did admit them were always on the wrong side of the tracks. Even in more relaxed New York City, reformers began closing in during the last two decades of the nineteenth century.

And then came an unexpected moral turnaround, as profound as the change in Victorian society from loose to upright. The King-and-Duke sort of vaudeville received the thorough laundering it needed in 1881, when Tony Pastor, owner of a 14th Street New York music hall, made the calculation that Walt Disney repeated some 50 years later: a theater that excluded women and children curtailed its income by at least 67 percent.

But could the old vaudevillians have EVER foreseen that IDIOTS like DR. EVIL and MOVIE AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS could make losing two-thirds of your audience into a VIRTUE?

You MUST read this article. It will make you even more angry at living in this age.

(And a thank you to Arts and Letters Daily for the link; I must go back there regularly, something I haven't done lately.)

Posted 2:27 PM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLEBLOGGER! WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME TO GET ANY HITS?????

Posted 1:21 PM by Gene

Perhaps it is a good sign that now some of THE OSAMA CHANNEL'S STRINGERS are being brought to justice.

Posted 11:46 AM by Gene

PINCH wants a 55-MPH SPEED LIMIT!

Just one problem:



If (assuming this graph is to be believed) introducing a speed limit is so effective why did gas cosumption go up after a national speed limit was introduced -- and why did it fail to go up after it was lifted?

We know why PINCH wants a SPEED LIMIT: LIMOUSINES would be EXEMPT.

Posted 10:21 AM by Gene

I think we can agree, UNDERSAINT OF ST. WARREN, that the markets are a CASINO, but doesn't HIS HOLINESS'S $100,000 shares and HUGE PR DEPARTMENT help lure them in?

Posted 10:14 AM by Gene

It's nice to know we're having not much better luck getting intelligence translators in Arabic -- and that maybe we're giving shady characters GOVERNMENT WORK in the process.

Posted 10:05 AM by Gene

We must assume when a RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hack professes to be SHOCKED!!!!!!!!!!, she isn't.

Posted 9:56 AM by Gene

In Praise of Bush's Honesty (Honest)

You, founder of TOENAIL.COM? You, scourge of the SCREAMING PUNDIT SHOWS? HONEST?!?!?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Posted 9:45 AM by Gene

Some scribbler named Tourette or Turtle or Tootle (or whatever his name is) becomes SOCIOLOGIST and EXAMINES why there are so many HORROR MOVIES, quoting an EGGHEAD and being SUITABLY EUPHEMISTIC and WINNING A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD!

WHY IN GOD'S NAME MUST NEWS HACKS THINK?????

Posted 9:44 AM by Gene

Big Blue finally gets out of PCs. What do we call its successor? BIG RED?

Posted 9:40 AM by Gene

John, you should know part of the FUN in consuming the news is to learn the rest of the story on your OWN, without help from million-dollar scribblers. If the hacks don't want to disclose their ideological or business conflicts of interest, it's their prerogative. It inspires CURIOSITY.

Posted 9:33 AM by Gene

WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN -- but then as I've said before, the TWXSTERS have made this site as useless as possible by making it graphically uninteresting and very uninviting for surfing, and by putting a great big NO on the cover stories. We smirk at BLUNDER.COM, but Mr. Mark's site has the boys in the Double-Tower of Babble beaten black and blue. Happily it sounds as though DICK "GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" CORLISS has typed the usual compendium of adjectives and instant cliches, so there's no need to read it anyway, even if we could.

These IMBECILES have spies. Honest, they're more concerned about cheap one-upmanship than about putting out a good rag, which they haven't in years, if ever.

Posted 9:24 AM by Gene

RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE, MUTINY MUTINY MUTINY: It's been WEEKS since Mr. Mark has given us a COVER STORY that he can be proud of: that is, a cover story his readers can LAUGH AT. Part of it, of course, is the CURSE of HISTORY; who knew Pope John Paul was so POPULAR? But part of it has been Mr. Mark just hasn't had the TIME to rub our noses in his superiority. Maybe he's buried some right-thinking PC inside this feature about China -- or maybe our WICKED COMPETITORS on COLUMBUS CIRCLE beat him to it. (We now know he'll go full bore at Christmas and Easter, anyway.) But unless ST. WARREN is thinking of moving His operations to ASIA we don't see the point of it. We all know China's an SOB among nations, so what else is there to say?

Starting NEXT WEEK, however, we're sure it'll be the BLUNDER rag we've come to know and love, with features about the INFINITE PARADE OF MOVIE MASTERPIECES coming up -- and the INFINITE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL OF REPUBLICANS!