Posted 9:01 PM by Gene

It's only taken several thousand dead Muslims to get Muslims to protest suicide bombings.

Better late than never. But why so late?

Hey CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES: Think we could do a daily story on how many Muslims are dead thanks to terrorism -- or do only OUR SOLDIERS (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) COUNT?

Posted 8:03 PM by Gene

Tom Reese, who works at Tulane University and has researched contemporary architecture, said the architects were "selling dreams" when they urged city leaders to embrace planning concepts like "smart growth," "green architecture" and mixed-use developments.

"There is so little discussion about the economic realities of this region," he said. "If you don't know that, you can't begin to create any kind of solution."

Realities like -- CORRUPTION.

Posted 7:57 PM by Gene

Hmm, how far will THE FRANCES' MEGAMARKETING MACHINE, filled to the BRIM with CONTENTED CEOs showing off their SOUTHERN ACCENTS (until they learn RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! forbade them, so now they whine like their usual Walter Mittys again), go to confront an instance of DRUNK DRIVING OFF THE TRACK?

If we know The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers, we'll say not very.

And this is the guy named BUSCH who's driving for MILLER LITE.

Posted 7:46 PM by Gene

Proof the movie biz makes its -- product for NEWS HACKS: ST. WARREN's holy scribbler spends 2,112 WORDS huzzahing that an actress known for light roles is getting "deeper and darker", the sort of SELF-CONGRATULATORY BUNCOMBE we associate with words like GRIM. This constant serious biz is like forcing MM to play Cinderella without a fairy godmother. We're tired of THE CONSPIRACY excreting unpleasant things for the accountants and the hacks, and we will never hold our breaths awaiting an entertaining movie -- or a movie for the PEOPLE.

A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD TO BILL BOOTH! Any relation to the deep, dark J. Wilkes?

Posted 1:31 PM by Gene

You Can't Shut Anyone Up Anymore: I just caught Mick and Bob Wright for 25 seconds on bloggingheads.tv, and he's right. I wonder if talking heads on the Web have a future. Writing a column or blog you should think before you write; CROSSFIRING is speaking before you think. It further reminds me of Fred Allen's line about television allowing you to invite people into your house you otherwise wouldn't; I have little interest in what Mick looks like or how he sounds, or in his old TNR friends. Really, a few of these people SHOULD shut up, even if they won't.

Posted 12:23 PM by Gene

Bush Touts New Prescription Drug Benefit

Ka-CHING!

Posted 11:13 AM by Gene

Gee! I wish I had CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES plugging MY obsessive blog!

Posted 11:06 AM by Gene

Hey great news for the oil biz! It's made our electric bills higher!

And this is from PRNEWSWIRE!

Now Dow 36,000, Larry "Greed is Good" Kudlow, there must be a silver lining in this -- from which you can make a ton of gold.

Posted 11:00 AM by Gene

"My suspicion is that a lot of parents that are doing this for preschoolers, unless there is some other reason like a doctor expressing concern, are simply overanxious and putting their energy into something that is maybe not effective, except at enhancing the revenue of certain companies," Deak said.

The modern history of education!

P. S. Guess who's profiting from all this necessary spending! The W--------- P--- C------.

Posted 9:04 PM by Gene

And elsewhere in Stale.com: We'll readily believe the Lord God Pinch is a Force unto Himself; but when a story ends like this:

Disclosure: Slate is owned by the Washington Post Co., which had a decades-long business affair with the New York Times Co. in Paris and shared custody of the Post Co.'s International Herald Tribune until 2002, when the Sulzbergers ousted the Grahams somewhat unamicably and took full control of the IHT.

-- forgive us for seeing the glinty reflection of a gleaming axe from behind the author's back.

Posted 8:55 PM by Gene

I'm sure many of these streaming university lectures are quite worthwhile, but someone tell me: Where do people find the TIME?

Or the inclination?

Posted 6:27 PM by Gene

We wonder why The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers wouldn't evince more interest in country music; it's a neat way of faking populism, and besides it'll get us GREAT SEATS AT NASCAR!!!!! (Forgetting that RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! got the Frances to delink from it.) Unfortunately a 37-percent market share for [C]RAP (which includes a lot of those icky mewling urban ballads, but that's pretty much what it is) indicates that most other music went to heaven a long time ago.

By the way, Little Malcolm -- is anything more CRINGEMAKING than your PANASONIC TOUGHBOOK VIDEO ADS?

Posted 5:34 PM by Gene

Useless News is excited over Denny's blog, even though he hasn't updated it in over a week, possibly because of more pressing things to do.

What, we don't know.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH: ESPN has it both ways: By simulating a press conference, and then having its om-BUDS-man whip it with a wet noodle for simulating a press conference. BIGMEDIA is ALL STRATEGEM.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Deaths Bring U.S. Toll in Iraq to 2,061

Do I hear the hacks going YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!?

I guess this is a new tactic, to use body counts in the heds. If only someone could respond with a body count of the number of people news hacks killed with their P-Ulitzer-winning end of the Vietnam War.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

Andy S. and Jonah get into a food fight over torture, and for our mental health's sake we can avoid this one too.

Posted 3:04 PM by Gene

And still MORE thrilling news from the world of HIGH-TECH:

Robber hits banks while talking on cellphone

Why is it HIGH-TECH can add the taste of humor to situations that AREN'T FUNNY?

Posted 2:46 PM by Gene

Theater pulls 50 Cent film after shooting

WHAT? This is GREAT publicity. Right, SUMNER?

Posted 2:42 PM by Gene

More thrilling news from the WEB:

Tot Allegedly Offered For Sex
A Martinez woman is accused of offering her 4-year-old child for prostitution on Craigslist. [Front-page squib]

Posted 2:37 PM by Gene

The portrayal of global warming in Fox’s piece is both fair and accurate.

TRANSLATION: Who cares about fairness? If I were a conservative I'd hate it. As it is, I love it.

I spent a summer in a tent in Africa with Roger Ailes in 1973 making a wildlife film. He is charming, affable, very smart, and very, very funny. Although we both believe that each other’s politics are misguided....

TRANSLATION: I'm charming, affable, very smart and very, very funny too -- and we both deserve to go to hell.

Posted 1:57 PM by Gene

GOP Stayed Home in Calif. Vote

TRANSLATION: The alarm clock wasn't on.

Posted 1:44 PM by Gene

A NEWSPAPER FIRES A POLITICAL CARTOONIST FOR PLAGIARISM?

PERISH THE THOUGHT!

Posted 1:29 PM by Gene

President Bush's administration has threatened to sue Southern Illinois University, alleging its fellowship programs for minority and female students violate federal civil rights laws by discriminating against whites, men and others.

THERE GOES THE NAZI, er, HARD RIGHT AGAIN!

Thankfully the news hacks will have this stopped by next Monday.

Posted 1:26 PM by Gene

“The questions you hear most frequently are, in no particular order, ‘What’s your overall strategy,’ ‘Will you stop at $2 billion in investments’ and ‘How much money can you make from the Internet?’”

GOOD QUESTIONS, RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 1:22 PM by Gene

Shucks, a leader of the courageous, er, REBELLION in Iraq has died.

I guess someone else will have to get the support of the hacks now.

Posted 1:17 PM by Gene

Joe Con is coming to our local Barnes and Noble verbatorium to sell a book, and if I had the guts I'd ask this question:

Leaving aside considerations of sex and political enthusiasms, what's the difference between you and Ann Coulter?

Now a stinky Beltway type who's been on the air a million times would know how to thoroughly avoid a straight answer, so I'd follow up:

What I mean is, Ann Coulter sieg-heils the right, you sieg-heil the left. What's the difference?

But there IS no difference, except that Joe Con's better. NEXT QUESTION?

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

These are the traditionally dorky mascots the EMPIRE OF WAL-MART will be using for the GE BANCORP GAMES, so CEOs on their four-month-long vacations can e-mail stupid pictures back to HQ and scream, "I'M AT THE GAMES AND YOU'RE NOT!"

We're sure others can come up with better mascots, but they might not be so tourist-friendly.

Posted 11:33 AM by Gene

"With kids and guns, there's no accidents."

Likewise with fists.

So much for the notion it's just a game.

Posted 10:36 AM by Gene

An as-yet-unknown NFL owner prepares to grab LALA by the ankles.

Posted 10:28 AM by Gene

Another big company embraces "blogging":

In some respects, employee blogging is reminiscent of traditional employee testimonial advertising -- after all, if pilots and flight attendants can extol the virtues of Southwest Airlines in ads, why shouldn’t IBM’s own experts open blog discussions with consumers?

“What [Vice Chairman] Bob Lutz is doing with the General Motors blog [fastlane/gmblogs.com] is not much different than what Lee Iacocca did in the '80s,” Mr. Blackshaw said. “It’s all about being genuine and relevant and conversational with consumers.”

The problem, however, can sometimes be the tenor of the conversation and whether employees running amok on the Internet fits with a well-crafted, traditional marketing strategy.

“If employees are given appropriate guidelines, it can certainly be right on strategy,” said Jonathan Paisner, brand director at CoreBrand. “The broadcast model of a centralized voice saying this is our one voice out to the world isn’t realistic anymore.”

So now we'll have 200,000 individuals speaking in one voice. Makes sense to me.

And there's a problem with blogging: 20,000,000 bloggers and three or four voices.

P. S. Obviously the author never went to gmblogs.com or she'd have seen the site has two blogs with the same contents, and it's had all of four entries the last month. This is important?

Posted 10:17 AM by Gene

There is something annoying about "growing dissension" stories. Part of it is the politicking for such heroes as "Rep. Sherwood L. Boehlert (R-N.Y.), a leading moderate", who may not seem such a moderate to regular viewers of C-SPAN. Part of it is hacks trying to enter the legislative process. Part of it is tempest-in-a-teapot or mountain-out-of-a-molehill syndrome. Part of it is we've seen these stories a billion times before and haven't the faintest clue where the truth is. Part of it is the notion these stories are 100% spin. Certainly I had something like this in mind the other day when I said the hacks pay too much mind to stories of loud noise and little import.

Posted 9:57 AM by Gene

The $515 million spent on television spots, including elections and political issue ads, blew past the $300 million in 2003, the last "off year" election season, according to TNS Media Intelligence/CMAG.

Meaning we can expect more pious fraudulence from hacks thundering over the corrupting influence of money, coupled with more pious prayers for more of that money to roll in and finance their SALARIES.

Posted 9:47 AM by Gene

Jordanians, especially those who survived the explosions, are struggling to deal with the sheer evil of what happened. [Home-page squib]

EVIL makes THE PAPER OF RE-CORD?!?!? We thought that was judgmental.

Posted 9:41 AM by Gene

To show-biz and real-estate add tourism to the list of press beats meant solely to sell. We've never taken tourist pieces seriously -- they always seem to be written by a certain upper-class expert for a certain upper-class expert -- but this one especially could have been typed in someone's sleep, and probably was. The thing about these traveling salesmen is that in this case they never venture beyond our downtown; we can assure these scribblers there's nothing happening in the nine-tenths of the town that's still mostly ghetto, nor will be, thanks to our heroic former mayor. In short, this is another piece of scrap paper written with blinders on.

Posted 6:16 PM by Gene

Oops, I guess the holy cockroaches have learned their PR can go TOO FAR.

Posted 6:11 PM by Gene

PROFILES IN COURAGE:

House GOP Leaders Scuttle Budget-Cut Vote

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

ROMY HAS to find another ALTERNARAG (peeeeeeeeeeeeee-U!) in which someone who's Mary Mapes's neighbor (and has "surprisingly decent" ones who voted for -- BUSH) calmly intones about BLATHERGATE:

THE ANONYMOUS HATERS AND EXTREMISTS ON THE INTERNET ARE THE KU KLUX KLAN OF TODAY!!!!! THEY ARE THE VILE ENEMIES OF FUNDAMENTAL DECENCY!!!!!!!!!!

No, neighbor, if we're going to cite historical personages involved with FIRE, let's liken our HEROIC NEIGHBOR MARY to JOAN D'ARC -- who was burned at the stake with FAKE MEMOS.

Posted 5:59 PM by Gene

Now the same HACK FACTORY that wanted T. O. out has someone opine maybe it was NOT SO GOOD AN IDEA.

PuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhLEASE! WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR HALF-A-MIND?

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

You mean TOM "PHRASEMAKER" WOLFE turned NASCAR into a ZILLION-DOLLAR ANNOYANCE and CEO FANTASY?

The Frances should give him a piece of the profits.

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

SOME OSTRICHES IN SOUTHEAST MICHIGAN BURY THEIR HEADS DEEPER:

The city of Detroit took a hit -- again.

But this time, someone accepted responsibility.

Joe and Gavin Maloof, owners of the NBA's Sacramento Kings, purchased full-page ads in both Detroit newspapers to apologize to the Pistons and residents of Detroit for portraying the city in a negative light before Tuesday's basketball game in Sacramento, Calif.

Before the game, game operations director Leland Patton compiled a video montage that ran on the scoreboard at ARCO Arena that included images of abandoned and dilapidated buildings.

The Maloofs had not seen the montage before it ran.

We too, wish the surfeit of AAAAAAAAAAATTITUUUUUUUUUUDE in our lives would go away, and we confess to having a little of it ourselves, though we might not want it; that said, what IS DEEEEEEETROIT but a melange of abandoned and dilapidated buildings, along with a shrinking auto biz? The ostriches may want to unstick their heads from terra firma and look around, and see if they can IMPROVE things, instead of WHINING.

Posted 5:19 PM by Gene

It is depressing to think the generation that fought The Great War is all but gone. Fortunately in this Webified high-definition age we need know nothing about history; if we were a fly and could buzz from PARIS's one ear and out the other we wouldn't find a single factoid from history, assuming we'd find something. But any generation that thinks it can ignore it has another think coming. Woodrow Wilson had hubris enough to think this the last war. A generation later people thought we could stay out of other people's wars. World War I and especially its aftermath teach that ignoring history is the greatest mistake.

Posted 5:11 PM by Gene

McCain urges changes to Iraq strategy

When I saw this I thought, OH-oh, BOOBS McKEATING's playing to the PEANUT GALLERY again -- and this time for REAL. Instead he suggests tweaking our involvement in spots, and selling it a little better. While we don't have much respect for him at least he hasn't ENTIRELY lost his senses -- yet.

Posted 3:24 PM by Gene

Hmmm, this is interesting:

Blacks and Hispanics who traditionally vote Democratic strongly backed the state's gay marriage ban at the ballot box this week, sometimes outpolling Republicans, analysts said Wednesday.

REACTIONARIES WANT TO DESTROY THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY!!!!!

Any melo, ANDY?

Posted 3:22 PM by Gene

Proof that my hits are accidental: According to eXTreMe TRacKinG (or however) nine of my last ten search engine hits have come from variations of "don imus nudist camp."

I guess I'll take my hits however I get them, but this is ridiculous.

Posted 3:13 PM by Gene

The free market triumphs -- in LITERAHTEEYURE:

The secondary market for novels by deposed government staffers with an interest in bestiality appears to have peaked. Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s confirmed yesterday that it will reprint I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s 1996 novel, The Apprentice, with a paperback run of 25,000 copies. Books will ship Nov. 18 and will be in stores just in time for the gift-giving season.

The publisher said that the move was prompted by high consumer demand as well as the by recent media attention the book has received—most notably in a Nov. 7 “Talk of the Town” piece in the New Yorker that quoted a section in which a caged bear copulates with a ten-year-old girl. The newly printed Apprentice will carry its original cover and will make no reference to the Libby’s legal situation.

You don't suppose somebody, er, planted that, do you?

Meantime people who've tried to sell the book at Shakespeare First Folio prices aren't giving up:

While it seems unlikely that demand will increase in the wake of the reprint announcement, some sellers remain bullish. An independent bookseller, who had been offering a signed galley edition for $2,400 on Amazon, expressed optimism about finding a buyer, reprinted copies notwithstanding. In an email message sent Wednesday, the bookseller, who asked to remain anonymous, told The Book Standard, “I don't think that a new printing will have any impact on my own copy, except perhaps to heighten interest even further because my copy is unique.” The email continued, “I am somewhat ambivalent about selling it because I am a book and political history buff myself, and I wouldn't mind keeping it, even if it eventually drops significantly in value.” As late as Sunday morning, the seller had been able to find copies of the used book for under $20, according to the email.

Sounds to us as though SCOOTER should be found GUILTY of writing ANOTHER BAD BOOK.

Posted 1:33 PM by Gene

The lobbyist Jack Abramoff asked for $9 million in 2003 from the president of a West African nation to arrange a meeting with President Bush and directed his fees to a Maryland company now under federal scrutiny, according to newly disclosed documents.

Is that all, JACK? SNIDELY WHIPLASH would NOT be proud of you.

Posted 1:25 PM by Gene

We HACKS celebrate the [C]RAP culture as the greatest thing in human history and we have the GUTS to say it may be CRIMINAL?

Hey HACKS! Put on the [C]RAP, turn up the VOLUME and GO DEAF.

Posted 12:29 PM by Gene

Rabbi Gellman, I'm all for "speak[ing] out in a sensitive, not hysterical, non-judgemental, but loving and firm way about how God wants our kids to use their bodies." But you forget one thing: you don't run America, I don't run America, the parents don't run America, our schools and houses of worship don't run America. RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and SUMNER and KING RICHARD and UB IGER run America, and They can teach children whatever They please without fear of retribution from the public OR God -- especially given that They ARE Gods.

Posted 11:04 AM by Gene

How apt: a bad Republican governor from Hollywood followed by a bad Democratic governor from Hollywood.

I don't think either man's headed for a postage stamp anytime soon, except maybe in a banana republic.

Posted 10:43 AM by Gene

Technology, ONWARD AND UPWARD:

Boeing Jet Breaks Nonstop-Flight Record

John Madden would LOVE that.

For the woman who wants to stay both warm and environmentally conscious this winter -- and isn't bothered by extra bulk under her shirt -- a lingerie maker unveiled a thick bra that can be heated in a microwave.

How many women want to wear a muffler there?

Posted 8:28 AM by Gene

To think it's been thirty years since the Great Lakes shipping calamity that inspired Gordon Lightfoot to write his whiny, nasally, sing-songy, EXTREMELY ANNOYING DITTY, of which he was the MASTER.

We salute you, the crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Who would ever have thought yours would become a SING-ALONG DISASTER -- or a WRECK TO SHOP BY?

Posted 8:18 AM by Gene

CBS SEES A $5 BILLION BROADCAST-TV VOD MARKET

Does ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN still work at VIACON?

Posted 8:10 AM by Gene

The Palis must be torn: four high Palestinian officials were killed in the MARTYRDOM OPERATION; yet under other circumstances, with DIFFERENT, er, PEOPLE, this would be a TREMENDOUS VICTORY for the -- CAUSE.

How do you feel NOW as the victims of your own malignant pranks?

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

TRANSLATION: As they prepare for their ten-week vacations in Italy, America's consumer-products CEOs look for an excuse for all that rest by hunting down a Mary Lou Retton of the ice.

GOOD LUCK! Pffh-hh-hh!

Posted 6:31 AM by Gene

Being the network of the most intelligent audience in history isn't what it used to be.

Can we doubt HBO is just another tool NEWS HACKS use to flaunt themselves and to whack us readers with a two-by-four?

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

We may wonder of the chaos when "intelligent" vehicles malfunction -- and if the history of BILL'S BUGDOM is any prelude, they will.

And for all the oooh and aaah stories like these are supposed to inspire they only make me blue, as such devices further hasten the day we surrender all independence to machines, and become a worthless appendage thereof. And if the human race malfunctions now, think of then.

Posted 6:21 AM by Gene

WHY WORDS MEAN NOTHING: "Strong condemnations" are no substitute for action, and if the French experience is typical of what is to follow it means the world is willing to speak platitudes and tolerate hooliganism, or worse, mass murder.

This is especially true of the League of Nations, where more than a few of the members smiled contentedly last night, though not for public consumption.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Looks like G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE is playing its MIND GAMES on me again: FIVE POSTS in the last half-hour -- and ONE HIT.

Oh well, THE PATH TO PERMANENT WEALTH lost $10.75 a share today, but it'll be at $1000 by January. Just a slight pause.

Posted 5:27 PM by Gene

Howard "CW" Fineman (we should say "VERY CW") has an idea the Dems will try to play BOOBS McKEATING off against other Republicans, which sounds EXTREMELY PLAUSIBLE -- and PROFITABLE: anything to get flattered by scribblers like HOWARD "CW" FINEMAN.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

Okay Lord God Pinch, we'll put OUR spin on it: an alleged 135,000 paying customers (whom You've had eight weeks to hector) out of 21.6 million unique visitors in September is 0.625 PERCENT of your ONLINE AUDIENCE.

Give Yourself a pat, LORD GOD PINCH!

Posted 5:10 PM by Gene

To be sung to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn":

Judy Miller left the Times and I don't care....

It's a few too many syllables, but it'll fit -- like the news that's fit to print.

Posted 5:05 PM by Gene

I think we can hear the excuse from the Arab world now: these were hotels where WESTERNERS were staying.

AND WHERE NO ARABS WORKED.

P. S. at 5:41 p. m. Evidently most of the victims were JORDANIANS, which makes this less likely -- slightly.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

More OUTSTANDING NEWS from the WORLD of LITERAHTEEYURE:

Guinness World Records: L. Ron Hubbard Is the Most Translated Author

Posted 3:31 PM by Gene

Hey maybe our RENDELLS can do something with this: the TEMPLE OWLS have made the TOP, er BOTTOM of ESPN's BOTTOM 10.

I wonder what COZ would say. Are there enough jokes in a day?

Posted 2:42 PM by Gene

Figures: Refco was named for its founder,

Ray E. Friedman, who had been convicted more than a decade earlier of selling substandard chickens to Army troops during the Korean War. Friedman served two years in federal prison for that offense.

It further figures: he was pardoned by LBJ because his stepson was a military "liaison to the White House."

And Ms. Rodham was Refco's most famous customer.

A decent piece from USAOKAY!!!!!, for once.

Posted 2:31 PM by Gene

Another martyrdom operation, in Jordan -- and with luck and collaboration, the Osama Channel was there before the bombs blew up.

Posted 2:20 PM by Gene

Larry "Grasso" Kudlow knows what we got to do to answer yesterday's election CATASTROPHE -- let's get foursquare behind LEE RAYMOND!

Posted 2:11 PM by Gene

We know how senators and other such like to posture over TV content, but can't we at least agree that when practically the whole Congress is an industry's enemy that we've reached "critical mass"?

Posted 2:08 PM by Gene

Amtrak has fired its president, which suggests not that it needs new management but that it may be beyond management.

Posted 2:03 PM by Gene

From a Poynter.org blog -- and no, NOT Romy:

I just loved this story on NPR's "Morning Edition." It is reported by a high school senior who tells us that when schools ban junk food from the cafeteria, black-market candy bars are sometimes sold in school halls and classrooms. Listen to the story here. It was created by Youth Radio, which is a great place to hear what is on the minds of young people.

Nuf said.

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

We know how people must have their TV, but we would like to think the networks' iPod scheme could do to the medium what TimesReject has done to op-eds, creating obscure cliques for programs of practically no value. We can no more see the TV frauds repulsing their sugar daddies than we can see the masses paying for the dreck they once consumed for free, but if the iPod can wean the masses from their TV addiction, we're all for it.

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

Perhaps the Web has stopped the profusion of UFO tales, but we fear all sorts of other science fiction have taken their place.

Posted 11:52 AM by Gene

We think New York did the right thing in upping its subway security after that scare, but we'd also agree our homeland security boys should count to ten before overreacting.

Posted 10:52 AM by Gene

Indonesia: Terror leader believed killed

How do your 72 VIRGINS taste?

Posted 10:42 AM by Gene

STERNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRENT GOT TOYOTA TO PULL ITS ADS FROM NIP/TUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET OUT THAT SHOTGUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 10:38 AM by Gene

Which is worse: Republicans defending greed, or Democrats preening over it?

Posted 10:32 AM by Gene

Why we will NOT miss the WALL STREET JOURNALS when their latest FREE SHTICK ENDS:

Democrats retained New Jersey and Virginia governorships, deepening Republican ANGST over the toll of Bush's problems. [Home-page blurb]

Unfortunately the CONSERVATIVE EDITION doesn't have a take saying wait until 2006 off-year election Mike blahblahblah, but we could guess.

RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUY THE JOURNALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P. S. I wonder if this stunt will be so successful this time around. Since most people don't want to pay for the news, and since most people have lived this long without the JOURNALS, why bother even surfing?

Posted 6:52 AM by Gene

The Terminator got terminated.

We should have foreseen that Ah-NULT would ultimately fail in office not because the job was over his head, but because people would quickly tire of him as he got there the easy way, on the wings of Hollywood and the unanswered prayers of RUSH.

Posted 6:48 AM by Gene

Corporate CEOs can falsify, exaggerate and withhold information from investors without necessarily breaking the law, according to a ruling yesterday by a federal judge in Camden.

CEOs have been doing it for decades. Why criminalize it now?

Posted 6:41 AM by Gene

State of Emergency Beins in France

This will happen when you're CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES and you sleepwalk your way through the news.

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

Another unintended eulogy from the press:

WILL the acclaimed revival of "Sweeney Todd" end Stephen Sondheim's decade-long slump at the box office?

For theater insiders, the financial history of a Sondheim show is all too familiar and depressing.

The critics rave (always about the score, if not always the production), Sondheim fanatics race to the box office — and mainstream theatergoers stay away in droves.

The last Sondheim show to make a profit on Broadway was the 1996 revival of "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum."

To find a new Sondheim show that made money on Broadway, you have to reach all the way back to "A Little Night Music" in 1973.

"Forum" and "Night Music" duly noted, every other Sondheim show since 1973 — among them, "Merrily We Roll Along," "Sunday in the Park With George" and "Passion" — were financial disappointments on Broadway.

The 1979 original, Tony-winning production of "Sweeney Todd" returned only 50 percent of its $1.5 million investment on Broadway, says its producer, Marty Richards.

A Sondheim show "rarely becomes a marriage between the critics and the audience," says a theater investor.

But it most certainly is a marriage of ad-blurbists and ad-blurbists, and Sondheimaniacs and Sondheimaniacs, and ad blurbists and Sondheimaniacs -- and with all that onanism going on is it a wonder normal people say no?

Posted 6:30 AM by Gene

We will no longer call him Honorary Mayor Mike, although we will never be able to shake the notion he is the perfect dilettante.

Posted 5:50 PM by Gene

Rick "FOB" Kaplan BLOVIATES:

"This could be the kiss of death, but for me they have almost a Tracy and Hepburn relationship...."

Somehow I think Tracy and Hepburn were easier on the eyes -- and the NERVES.

Though Ms. Chung said a working title she suggested, "Not Necessarily the Truth," had been rejected by "the suits"....

Why? It might have had the virtue of being true.

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

Whether it concerns a zillionaire motormouth "apologizing" after the fact or an ac-TOR being very publicly "fired", don't NEWS HACKS have BETTER ways of wasting our time?

Posted 5:36 PM by Gene

WENATCHEE, Wash. -- One plucky cat is waiting to go home. But no one knows where home is.

The cat is resting up at an animal shelter in Washington state after leaping from a pickup, scampering through traffic, plunging 70 feet into the chilly Columbia River and swimming 600 feet to shore.

Officials at the Wenatchee Valley Humane Society officials said the cat ate ravenously after the ordeal.

Now, they're trying to figure out whose cat it is. The gray, long-hair calico has no collar.

Witnesses said the cat came off a pickup truck that was driving across a bridge. It managed to dash through traffic, and humane officials found it cowering in the center of the bridge. Before they could catch it, it leaped over the railing.

They watched the kitty hit the water below, go under, surface, then swim like mad. A man in a kayak helped guide it to shore.

The time has come to stop thinking of animals as dumber than humans.

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

There is a certain kind of female activist who must bare her breasts, and one wishes she wouldn't, if only to help cure visual pollution.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

“No one’s going to say that cola is dangerous.”

Why not? People have said it of everything else.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

When the British press can refer to Camilla as "Frump Tower" it makes us wish our press were a little cheekier, and not so ROSIE'S-NEPHEW POMPOUS.

There'll always be an England.

Posted 2:46 PM by Gene

News outlets need to explain how stories are put together

Did you ever hear of sausage?

Posted 1:53 PM by Gene

IT'S COMING [Jonah Goldberg]
I don't if it will be in real life or in the Onion or on a late night comedy show, but we're going to start hearing about the need to make cars that don't burn easily any day now. You heard it here first.
Posted at 01:36 PM

Alright, JoNUH!

Posted 1:13 PM by Gene

From the EXPERTS at NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

John McCain: I Have Anger Issues

BOOBS McKEATING, always remember: just do an interview with a fawning hack and you'll ALWAYS FEEL BETTER.

Posted 12:13 PM by Gene

Defending Nascar Nextel Cup champion Kurt Busch will be the driver of the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge following this season's retirement of racing legend Rusty Wallace.

This being THE SUPERDUPERMEGAMARKETING MACHINE you wonder if they've thought of the NAME.

Posted 11:58 AM by Gene

Toll Brothers Cuts 2006 Deliveries View

TRANSLATION: LESS TICKY-TACKY!

America's farmland breathes a (TEMPORARY) sigh of relief.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR...DOW 36,000!

Posted 10:56 AM by Gene

Meantime the CABLE CONSPIRACY invests in more ZEROES and ONES, and all some would-be TURNIPS can see are DOLLAR SIGNS in front.

You really think selling the same hash in 500 different varieties will work, ROBERTSBARONS?

Posted 10:51 AM by Gene

Jonah celebrates the return (however fleeting, we hope) of LARRY KING's "column":

But it had everything we missed from his old column: a string of bland non-sequiters of little to know redeeming value.

Here is an excerpt exactly as it appears (i.e. the elipses are his):

You "no", Jonah, Larry may have been good at "non-sequiters" but you're better for SPELING -- which is sort of an anagram of "ELIPSES", but maybe not.

You cannot make up banality like this.

Or SPELINGS!

Posted 10:48 AM by Gene

Everyone is excited about VOD, but how much can the networks make on properties that can be recorded -- and whose ads can be negated -- on any TiVo?

Posted 9:30 AM by Gene

The Securities and Exchange Commission suspended a speculative frenzy in the shares of little-known Cameron International yesterday, after the stock's price went from 5 cents to more than $90 in one day.

THE NEXT G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE!!!!!

Posted 9:25 AM by Gene

G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE -- "STUMBLES"?

That would make the first UPWARD FALL in HISTORY.

Posted 9:10 AM by Gene

"This is an industry, it's a business. We exist to make money. We exist to put commercials on the air. The programming that is put on between those commercials is simply the bait we put in the mousetrap."

That's a long way from WIRES AND LIGHTS, Lord Koppel.

"If it is true that David Letterman can draw a lot more viewers than 'Nightline' and Ted Koppel, if you can make an extra $30 million or $50 million a year, I absolutely understand they not only have the right but the fiduciary obligation to do that. I just don't think they did it the best way in terms of the handling of it. We were among the last to learn about it. You just don't do that to people who have worked hard for you for a long time."

Still smarting from that, Your Lordship?

"I do think Charlie Gibson would make an absolutely splendid anchor," he says. But noting the rise of "GMA" under Gibson and Diane Sawyer, he says, "Those morning shows are moneymaking machines. Changing such a successful equation could cost you tens of millions of dollars."

If these guys talked of news with the same zeal they talk of money this poor blogger wouldn't call them NEWS HACKS.

Then again, maybe the problem is they DO talk of news with ZEAL.

And here, in a nutshell, is the tragedy of Lord Koppel: he was a GREAT reporter -- and then he became a legend in his own mind.

Posted 9:00 AM by Gene

It seemed for a moment in this morning's editorial that The New York Times was about to come out for impeaching the president, especially in light of recent polls.

Clever, Greg -- cle-VER! Now how do we impeach THE NEWS BIZ?

Posted 8:55 AM by Gene

Oh, NO -- the former UNITED ARTISTS wants to make MOVIES AGAIN!

Give the man in the lion suit a MERCY KILLING!

Posted 8:40 AM by Gene

The Iraqi National Museum, the reason the WAR was an UNMITIGATED CATASTROPHE, is BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!

We can understand hacks wanting to follow up stories, but why are they the stories THEY want to follow up on?

Posted 11:28 PM by Gene

Already the hacks have come up with copious excuses for people flicking away their wonderful print product: newspapers are becoming "supplemental reading"; we have more readers than ever on the Web; we're not selling discounted papers; we're not giving the product away in hotels; DO-NOT-CALL LISTS; we hiked the newsstand price by a quarter; we changed the design; the dog ate my homework. While we would not deny more people are getting these oafs' idle word associations electronically than ever before, a Web surfer is not SPENDING A HALF HOUR THUMBING THROUGH STORIES AND ADS, OR CLIPPING COUPONS, OR CIRCLING WANT ADS. We would also note that the Web has presumably not caused ONE PAPER to INCREASE its staffing; that ever smaller papers must inevitably mean ever skimpier Web sites; and that we are in TOTAL DENIAL is evidenced by the fact that NOT ONE OF THE IDIOTS CITED HERE BLAMES THE PRODUCT OR EXPRESSES THE SLIGHTEST DESIRE TO IMPROVE IT.

And it surely has NOTHING to do with KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! TYPING LIKE THIS. One excuse we surprisingly didn't hear is that a newspaper can offer a more "unique", "localized" product and therefore beats the impersonal Internet. HOW CAN THAT BE SO WHEN MOST HACKS THINK ALIKE?

Posted 11:19 PM by Gene

I think the best way to annoy the living bejesus out of surfers is to be a leading Web site and run the same damned ad all day.

Posted 11:18 PM by Gene

News hacks think they can dam the flow of readers out of their rags by introducing manga, which shows once and for all they're not serious.

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

What would happen if Google were named ExxonMobil -- and ExxonMobil were named Google?

Would there really be a difference?

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

I've just added my blog to truthlaidbear.com, which I hope will someday help my traffic, but I am currently an "insignificant microbe," and expect to remain so for awhile.

Posted 5:45 PM by Gene

"I assume it's one of the Islamist organisations that have been proscribed (by the federal government)," Mr Stary told ABC Radio National.

We assume so too.

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

I hate when $120-BILLION-MARKET-CAP G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE acts up; I've posted six times in the last half hour and have gotten ONE HIT. WHY?

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

R. Kelly Hits Jay-Z With New Lawsuit

I'm all for no-talents getting into permanent legal trouble.

Posted 5:28 PM by Gene

Prince Charles, Camilla Wrap Up U.S. Tour

To the thunderous sound of who cares.

Posted 5:22 PM by Gene

At Saturday night's ball at the JW Marriott's Camelback Inn, Rich Dozer, president of the Diamondbacks, talked about Sen. John McCain's popularity. "He has rock-star status," Rich told the 400 partygoers who were there to raise funds for United Cerebral Palsy's Laura Dozer Center (named for Rich and Karie Dozer's daughter.)

Rub it in, Rich. That's exactly what we want as our next president: a mediacentric megalomaniac who forever compromises while wearing his "ethics" on a sleeve. Rub it in, RICH!

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

A bunch of researchers gives ammunition for some ninnies' demand for an R rating for smoking, and SAMMY GLICKMAN realizes the untenable position he's in:

"We and others in our industry should do our best to eliminate gratuitous on-screen portrayals of smoking, particularly in movies that children see," Glickman says. "I don't like to be in a position to dictate what a storyteller can or cannot say."

We won't comment on that dictate biz -- THE CONSPIRACY does it every day -- but this must count as progress, however microscopic; DR. EVIL would have carted out the First Amendment hook, line and sinker, and swung his victims by the hooks through their mouths.

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

The Least Fuel-Efficient Cars

...are the cars Little Malcolm and his readers are most likely to own.

Posted 4:59 PM by Gene

Given talk radio's screwlooses we can only wonder that more haven't indulged in crime.

Posted 2:21 PM by Gene

Astonishing: this is the first to our knowledge anyone has blamed the French riots on an economic system with 25-hour work weeks and free everything, and suitably high unemployment.

Goodbye welfare state, goodbye Islamism.

Posted 1:49 PM by Gene

STERNO! Better keep your shotgun ready at the door: the Senate's going to hold hearings on extending indecency regulations to cable.

STERNO'S fans can expect to see words like JIHADISTS and PRUDES marched out again like the last gathering of the GAR.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

And as if to further prove their negative worth, hacks have a way of flinging numbers that have no meaning. Fantasy movie grosses are just the start: today it's a League of Nations appendage's flackery that bird flu will cost $20 quadrillion, or whatever the number is. Numbers like these don't lead people to action, they lead them to baseless fear, or worse, to drowsiness.

Posted 1:36 PM by Gene

Remember Arthur Kent and Ashleigh Banfield? They got a ton of ink, then vanished.

That's one reason NEWS HACKS increasingly exercise me -- they devote growing amounts of their reporting to topics of ultimately NO CONSEQUENCE.

And I don't CARE, HOWIE HAIRSHIRT, how many brilliant "sports columnists, movie critics, restaurant critics, book critics and business sections" you have.

Posted 1:29 PM by Gene

Something called the Swedish Academy of something or other has given what it calls an award to a defunct rock group for the sole purpose of getting its name before the public.

The Nobels, the P-Ulitzers and the Oscars® are reason enough to award awards with a one-way trip to the garbage dump.

Posted 12:29 PM by Gene

And to prove one-sided endorsements not just a liberal thing, today THE NEW YORK POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makes five endorsements -- all REPUBLICANS.

SIX OF ONE....

Posted 12:19 PM by Gene

Crude prices fall to lowest level since July 21

Didn't we have an energy crisis last month?

Posted 12:14 PM by Gene

TRANSLATION: THE CONSPIRACY molests children as usual.

Posted 12:05 PM by Gene

And speaking of role models, why is the tale of those two -- CHEERLEADERS sordid and dull at once?

Posted 12:03 PM by Gene

Abercrombie & Fitch hasn't stopped being stupid.

In fairness though, it's been a long time we've seen a story about it -- and especially one that used the word HIP.

You go girls!

Posted 11:59 AM by Gene

Pete Rose Jr., the son of the legendary baseball star, is facing drug trafficking charges, CNN has learned.

Why are we not surprised?

Posted 11:40 AM by Gene

Figures: LORD KOPPEL OF ESPNCORP will end his career in a PRE-TAPED hugfest with THE FLYING KEYBOARD.

They really should have brought Her Holiness the Lord Goddess Oprah on as well but that would have been too much of a good thing. (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!)

Posted 10:34 AM by Gene

The San Francisco Chronicle: DOWN 16.5 PERCENT DAILY and 13.5 PERCENT SUNDAY!

The LALATIMES: DOWN 6.5 PERCENT DAILY!

The Orlando Sentinel: DOWN 11 PERCENT DAILY!

REMEMBER: IT'S THE DO-NOT-CALL LAW!

Posted 9:48 AM by Gene

GAWKER, the greatest thing since the integrated circuit, fixes a junk poll!

I wonder if NICK DORKEN would have needed to fix a poll if he were sure of himself.

Posted 7:11 AM by Gene

France's biggest Muslim fundamentalist organization, the Union for Islamic Organizations of France, issued a fatwa, or religious decree. It forbade all those "who seek divine grace from taking part in any action that blindly strikes private or public property or can harm others."

I'm sure that will prove extremely helpful for obvious reasons, and especially as the hacks insist it isn't Muslim youth rioting, it's AFRICANS.

Posted 6:56 AM by Gene

Morale, and Profits, Down At the Times

Let me guess: it's all JUDY MILLER's fault. Honest HOWIE HAIRSHIRT, aren't YOU as tired of writing about it as we are of reading about it?

Posted 6:53 AM by Gene

Apparently the latest juke-box musical has been saved by the fact that it's an impersonation. I've said before Broadway's become a kind of Branson with attitude; now someone needs to do a Grand Ole Opry musical to make it complete.

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

Okay, for ONCE we will not refer to OUR GUVNOR SARCASTICALLY. One should not have been so emotional in predicting a decades-long strike, but I guess lots of us around here had a bad week.

Posted 8:56 PM by Gene

WALTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPYWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WINCHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is proof news hacks don't have to be bought; the hole in his head is fully paid for.

And after doing his good deeds for producers he turns to Free Republic and makes a sound like Pee-Wee Herman in his playhouse.

Posted 8:17 PM by Gene

News hacks may think they can salvage their profits by going an even bigger way onto the Web. But it's already enervatingly profuse with dull writing, and no technology can improve it, as this involved piece of CW junk proves; all manner of slideshows and videos and fancy graphics and Shockwave and Flash won't make pablum go down any easier. Watch out: Dull writing could drive surfers away just as well as print customers.

And why is so much of the blandest, softest, sellingest, most CW typing done by WOMEN?

Posted 7:50 PM by Gene

The prince and the Duchess of Cornwall were watched by several perching turkey vultures — and a large pack of journalists....

No no NO, THIS is TOO EASY.

Posted 5:57 PM by Gene

We'll put it better: In football, the difference between "genius" and stupidity is a yard marker.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

You shouldn'ta done it, Jonah -- we have reason enough to despise blogs of both demagogueries. TRANSLATION: Most big-name bloggers aren't worth reading.

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

When do we become so indifferent to child murders as to merit the wrath of God?

Posted 4:18 PM by Gene

FRESH from the FREEP:

Myspace - A Jihadist tool to get the kid next door?

Doesn't that mean our SAINTED HERO RUPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! consorts with TERRORISTS?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He launched FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS!

Posted 3:56 PM by Gene

What can be more tiresome than a disgruntled director -- except, of course, a disgruntled football player?

Posted 3:48 PM by Gene

I'd venture no guess as to how the people rolled back our state legislayteeyure's idiotic pay raise except that perhaps legislators have become the front men for our societal dysfunction and the fox-guarding-the-chicken-coop contentedness of our superiors, and though many public figures deserve to be yelled at even more than legislators we can never ignore an orating incompetent fattening his wallet.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

From some sage advice on how to make BIG MONEY in INVESTING:

12. Get Investment Tips From TV -- The Wall Street guru of the hour is on TV hyperventilating about who-knows-what. Call your broker immediately and tell him you want to load up on whatever the wise man is flogging. Remember: It doesn't have to be a stock, and you can be a contrarian at random. If others buy gold, hoard lead.

Hmmm, I wonder who he could mean?

Posted 1:34 PM by Gene

T. O.'s a FIGHTIN' MAN!

Yep, he's truly the CLASS ACT of the NFL.

Update at 8:48 P. M. It gets better!

A team source told Mortensen that Douglas, whose post with the Eagles he re-titled "bad-ass-ador," entered the team's training room Wednesday and announced "I know there are people in here faking injuries." The comment apparently led to the scrum between Owens and Douglas.

Yep -- a CLASS ACT. And it gets even better!

"There's an accumulation of events culminating with a series of things last week, including the very public interview that he did," Banner said. "I think there's a long list of things, some of which you know about and some of which aren't public."

Whatever they are, we sure can't wait to hear them. And T. O., don't let the fans -- er, the DOOR hit you on the way out!

One question, though: why are the sports hacks fulminating over the kind of ATTITUDE the TV AD-BLURB COPYWRITERS ARE ORGASMICALLY CELEBRATING? Sounds like the right hand doesn't know what the left hand's doing but it's hard to tell with a biz with four million hands. I don't think THIS sort of truth telling has anything to do with the bottom falling out of our circ, do you? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Posted 1:27 PM by Gene

I Googled "'bill frist' weak" and got 222,000 links; then I Googled "'howard dean' weak" and got 553,000 links.

Go figure.

P. S. "'george bush' weak" gets 1,680,000 links.

Posted 12:50 PM by Gene

We know we shouldn't make too much of the BEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOO numbers (they're down again for the weekend year-to-year), but we wonder whether the slow leaking of air from the whole MEDIA BIZ doesn't reflect a growing dissatisfaction with the product. We fear it may well be, as the PAUL DRECKs and other apologists say, just a matter of timing or the fluke of luck, or maybe people are staring too much at their computers, and the time must come (unfortunately) when audiences will finally shrink to an unthinking indissoluble hard-core crowd that wouldn't abandon media whatever its dross, but all sorts of media are losing their audiences: newspapers are down, recorded -- SOUND is down, movies are down. (Only TV appears to be holding steady, and that's because it's our national night light.) We suspect if people liked the product they might willingly spend a little more money on it, but we want to believe people are smarter than media types.

Posted 11:34 AM by Gene

Sen. John McCain, potential 2008 presidential candidate, is walking a political tightrope.

Haven't people heard of Jesus?

Posted 9:06 AM by Gene

"To those responsible for the violence, I want to say: Be serious ... If you want to live in a fairer, more fraternal society, this is not how to go about it."

TRANSLATION: Can't we all just -- get along?

Posted 8:43 AM by Gene

But still we MUST hand it to Mr. Mark for coming up with this fine home-page hed:

• Jennifer Aniston: 7 Things I’d Rather Talk About

Me too.

Posted 8:37 AM by Gene

Indeed it would appear the hacks at PEOPLE NEWSMAGAZINE are taking that cover story on AMBITION (subscription, happily, required) seriously, as witness THIS home-page squib:

Boondocks: Funny to the 'N'th Power

Let's see, what network is airing THAT? Jeez KING RICHARD, I haven't the FOGGIEST IDEA. What's this about the feds looking into your CIRCULATION PRACTICES?

Posted 8:31 AM by Gene

I am beginning to lose faith that Mr. Mark can continue to be THE force for CW that we all want him to be. Somehow draping your rag with a photo montage will not summon visions of the great magazine covers we celebrated just a few weeks ago. Who cares about the first boomers turning 60? Mr. Mark is only what, 40? He has three decades to continue to inflict himself on us. He couldn't even come up with a good movie squib this week. Of course the only question is who gets to plug the CGI fests at the end of the year. That gets the editorial juices flowing -- as writing a decent rag does NOT.