THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, January 23, 2010
PEOPLE WARNER's former flagship declared Dr. David Ho had beaten AIDS fourteen years ago, which, as you might expect with the hacks, was at least fourteen years too soon.
The ASSPress may not give you all the news you need to know...
Guadalajara withdraws Youth Olympics bid
...but thankfully it gives you all the news you don't.
Guadalajara withdraws Youth Olympics bid
...but thankfully it gives you all the news you don't.
On my usual sojourn down South Street I discovered dismaying news: The Pearl Art store was closing -- it has closed by now -- and I don't know where I'll get my fix of its pungent smell, its arty smell, its paint-and-canvas-and-wood smell, the sort of smell that conjured hardware stores. It appears alas the whole Pearl chain is closing, leaving a Web site behind. Indeed the place was a True Value or Ace shop and it will be a mighty thing to fill -- three stories. Walgreen's occupies one floor of the three-level Tower Records and gave up on a pharmacy. Next door to it three shops including a Foot Locker and a former Mickey D have been gone for a while. There are a few too many other signs of distress on the street. A high-end caterer shut down its grocery end; likewise gone are several jewelry stores, an electronics retailer, a video-game shop, and three of four Asian-owned handbag stores caught in a counterfeit-goods sting. Unlike at the beginning of this de -- ECONOMY the local merchants aren't filling the vacant storefronts with art anymore. The street is still bustling and it will come back because you can't buy ambiance on the Web, or strange cheap clothes and tattoos, but ambiance may not count for much when there's so much you can.
The public service unions have acquired disproportionate political influence, pouring millions in dues money (more than $100 million in 2008) into political campaigns to elect Democrats, the party of government. They pour millions more into ads opposing any reform in government spending, even in states on the brink of bankruptcy, and pushing for higher taxes instead.
But when our FRIENDS do it it's FREE SPEECH!!!!!
John, you should have quit while you were ahead.
But when our FRIENDS do it it's FREE SPEECH!!!!!
John, you should have quit while you were ahead.
So...Paul Har-VEH parroted the FBI when not parroting his sponsors.
Needless to say we are hardly astonished at this. A good bit of Har-VEH's act was faking verisimilitude reading commercials. He was also, let it be said, a PATRIOT. Besides news hacks of every stripe parrot somebody. Har-VEH parrots J. Edgar, Walter Duranty parrots Stalin, Thomas L. Friedman parrots the Chinese Politburo, real-estate writers parrot realtors, show-biz flacks parrot moguls -- the rare news hack isn't for sale sometime, and some hang out the for-sale sign more than others. Paul Har-VEH sold himself full-time.
Whether to charge terrorism suspects or hold and interrogate them is a judgment call. We originally supported the administration's decision in the Abdulmutallab case, assuming that it had been made after due consideration. But the decision to try Mr. Abdulmutallab turns out to have resulted not from a deliberative process but as a knee-jerk default to a crime-and-punishment model.
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
(Via WeeklyStandard.com)
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
(Via WeeklyStandard.com)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Has anyone noticed how con-SER-va-tives have gone KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! swooning over the Nine Fingers' ruling on campaign-finance reform? "A VICTORY FOR FREE SPEECH!!!!!" Yes -- if you can afford it. And that gives the whole show away: con-SER-va-tives are merely looking for an equivalent to big media, and they think they've found one in POLITICAL FAT-CATS. Unfortunately as the last decade of Congressional misrule has shown contempt for the people runs BOTH WAYS.
In some ways, it's an old story: Campaign promises are easier to deliver than government results.
It's an even older story: some people would like to see us dead.
It's an even older story: some people would like to see us dead.
Just days after losing their filibuster-proof Senate majority in a Massachusetts special election, Senate Democrats are searching for a way to defuse voter anger that remains sluggish and is recovering slowly from a recession that was as harsh as any in decades. [SIC!!!!!]
It didn't look too sluggish on Tuesday.
It didn't look too sluggish on Tuesday.
In admiring one of our old posts we came upon a link to DR. WIRETAP -- remember his wiretap? -- and he has no shortage of brilliant ideas despite his treachery:
Rep. McDermott Introduces Resolution Urging Senate to Amend Filibuster Rules
January 19, 2010
25 Members sign on as original co-sponsors to resolution that asks Senate to stop filibuster from preventing votes
WASHINGTON, DC— Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA) today introduced legislation that urges the Senate to amend its rules to ensure that use of the filibuster doesn’t prevent the Senate from voting on legislation or amendments. Rep. McDermott argued that the filibuster gives each individual Senator power far beyond what the framers of the Constitution intended. The resolution has already garnered 25 original co-sponsors and complements legislation that Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) has indicated he will soon introduce.
“The framers of our Constitution thought that the filibuster was such a critical part of our democracy that the word appears in the Constitution exactly zero times,” Rep. McDermott said. “The filibuster has created minority rule. It wasn’t the intent of the framers to give any one person or the minority party the power to bring the legislative process to a halt, which is exactly what the filibuster does. The filibuster gives each Senator the power to silence the will of the majority that voters have chosen through the electoral process.” [SIC!!!!!]
Why do I think Tom Harkin has some practice in avoiding the bathroom?
WASHINGTON, DC— Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA) today introduced legislation that urges the Senate to amend its rules to ensure that use of the filibuster doesn’t prevent the Senate from voting on legislation or amendments. Rep. McDermott argued that the filibuster gives each individual Senator power far beyond what the framers of the Constitution intended. The resolution has already garnered 25 original co-sponsors and complements legislation that Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) has indicated he will soon introduce.
“The framers of our Constitution thought that the filibuster was such a critical part of our democracy that the word appears in the Constitution exactly zero times,” Rep. McDermott said. “The filibuster has created minority rule. It wasn’t the intent of the framers to give any one person or the minority party the power to bring the legislative process to a halt, which is exactly what the filibuster does. The filibuster gives each Senator the power to silence the will of the majority that voters have chosen through the electoral process.” [SIC!!!!!]
Why do I think Tom Harkin has some practice in avoiding the bathroom?
The other day I slighted Erich Segal. Marty has run this tribute. When we do things for media we become cartoon characters. It's true Segal was a hack novelist who wrote a silly catch phrase that made him zillions. He was also a professor of the classics and "knew many languages". He was a brilliant man. He battled illness for many years. It says something of the media's overwhelming power and the vast love they've engendered that we judge a man by a catch phrase. Blogging means never having to say you're sorry. It shouldn't.
Much as I hate to mention the topic again I wonder what LEGENDARY WELCH would say to $52.6 MILLION. Very Littler Jeffy could have bought something with it. It could have paid for hundreds of scientists and engineers. It could have gone toward some improvements in GE BANCORP products that could have increased their ROI. Instead it went to a COMEDIAN and his lackeys. The once Goodthings people can't leave show-biz fast enough.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
MB2 says HALLELUJAH!!!!! No more limits on corporate campaign contributions! CORRUPTION RULES!
Okay, we stand slightly corrected, it says here corporations and union can't contribute directly to candidates; but in the real world what's the practical difference? The money goes to the candidates whether directly or not. CORRUPTION RULES!
Okay, we stand slightly corrected, it says here corporations and union can't contribute directly to candidates; but in the real world what's the practical difference? The money goes to the candidates whether directly or not. CORRUPTION RULES!
Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiii:
If our extremely rough math is correct this means maybe these two zillionaire mouths got an audience of 16 to 17 million on Tuesday, or just over five percent of the population -- and that's probably overstating it as a lot of people sleep at that time even in TV households...or use their sets as night lights. (That 18-49 number for Ladies' Man seems to prove it.) And let us not forget these clods have seen a sudden population explosion, and when the headache is gone Ladies' Man and Jut-Jaw will go back to being sleeping pills.
This is the most preposterous story in recent show-biz memory, but one only has to look at the principals to see how it got that way.
If our extremely rough math is correct this means maybe these two zillionaire mouths got an audience of 16 to 17 million on Tuesday, or just over five percent of the population -- and that's probably overstating it as a lot of people sleep at that time even in TV households...or use their sets as night lights. (That 18-49 number for Ladies' Man seems to prove it.) And let us not forget these clods have seen a sudden population explosion, and when the headache is gone Ladies' Man and Jut-Jaw will go back to being sleeping pills.
This is the most preposterous story in recent show-biz memory, but one only has to look at the principals to see how it got that way.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
My colleague Michael Newman likes to dispel the idea that there is a newspaper crisis by pointing out that—thanks to the Web—more people read more newspaper stories than ever before. The only crisis he recognizes is an advertising crisis. The immense audiences news sites on the Web attract would stagger newspaper publishers from earlier eras. Free readers aren't a problem! They're an asset! They're an opportunity!
Good luck to the New York Times Co. on policing its wall. But if I were Arthur O. Sulzberger Jr., I'd be spending more time improving Web advertising to capitalize on the 40 million unique users his corporation-wide sites reach each month.
For the first time ever I raise my first in the air for Grate.com and yell, "Hallelujah, brother!"
PINCH! IT WON'T WORK.
Good luck to the New York Times Co. on policing its wall. But if I were Arthur O. Sulzberger Jr., I'd be spending more time improving Web advertising to capitalize on the 40 million unique users his corporation-wide sites reach each month.
For the first time ever I raise my first in the air for Grate.com and yell, "Hallelujah, brother!"
PINCH! IT WON'T WORK.
Speaking of America's Flack Sheet, finally, after weeks of BS, someone notices the noticeable: the late-night plugfests' audiences have declined -- "mightily".
Thankfully the sugar-daddy advertisers haven't noticed -- and they never will.
Thankfully the sugar-daddy advertisers haven't noticed -- and they never will.
They're hugging themselves in McLean over this junk poll:
It's close, but a new Nielsen viewer survey shows that just over half (51 percent) of respondents enjoy the Super Bowl more for the ads than the game.
Strangely enough we've yet to see any of USAOKAY!!!!!'s sales pitches for the sales pitches, but it is just a matter of time before America's Flack Sheet does what only it can do: personally insult its readers. God knows that's its specialty.
It's close, but a new Nielsen viewer survey shows that just over half (51 percent) of respondents enjoy the Super Bowl more for the ads than the game.
Strangely enough we've yet to see any of USAOKAY!!!!!'s sales pitches for the sales pitches, but it is just a matter of time before America's Flack Sheet does what only it can do: personally insult its readers. God knows that's its specialty.
ARCHDaily!
This cost $47,500?
Not bad, considering. (See! We don't think ALL Modern architecture is junk.)
This cost $47,500?
Not bad, considering. (See! We don't think ALL Modern architecture is junk.)
Speaking of Yahoo!, what is more annoying than the spinners and sellers of the news biz saying SLIME's talent show is a "myth"?
I hate to rain on the parade but am I the only person slightly put off by the SAVIOR OF THE GOP's "modeling" past? And why is the thought starting to sidle into my head that despite his good sloganeering Scott may be a tiny little bit of an airhead?
What's behind Christian-Muslim fighting in Nigeria?
This is the sort of question that almost doesn't need an answer.
This is the sort of question that almost doesn't need an answer.
"We're not trying to do things just to get attention and sell subscriptions."
You work for SUMNER. MORON.
Also USAOKAY!!!!! insisted on running something like this. We know, we know, GanNETt's heading back to $90 -- but is it really worth driving your turnips insane?
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO GARY -- AND HIS ASSISTANT GARY!
You work for SUMNER. MORON.
Also USAOKAY!!!!! insisted on running something like this. We know, we know, GanNETt's heading back to $90 -- but is it really worth driving your turnips insane?
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO GARY -- AND HIS ASSISTANT GARY!
BULLETIN!
December housing starts fall 4%; 2009 starts drop 39% to record-low 554,000
DOW 40 -- forget it.
December housing starts fall 4%; 2009 starts drop 39% to record-low 554,000
DOW 40 -- forget it.
The good news:
Kaiser: First Drop For Real-Time TV Viewing Among Youth
The bad news: They're slaves to every other gadget.
Kaiser: First Drop For Real-Time TV Viewing Among Youth
The bad news: They're slaves to every other gadget.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A famous name eructs:
"There is only one guarantee - that if we don't pass something the notion of trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again is a real long shot," said Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., son of the late senator. "If you understand the legislative process, it's a lot easier to pass something and fix it later."
TRANSLATION: Let's pass this Yugo now -- we'll get the Rolls later!
Or better yet -- let's pass this splintered eggshell now and we'll get the chicken later!
"There is only one guarantee - that if we don't pass something the notion of trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again is a real long shot," said Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., son of the late senator. "If you understand the legislative process, it's a lot easier to pass something and fix it later."
TRANSLATION: Let's pass this Yugo now -- we'll get the Rolls later!
Or better yet -- let's pass this splintered eggshell now and we'll get the chicken later!
But please, no talk of this guy as president! We've already had too many tyros in office.
"My message to my clients? JUMP SHIP NOW!!!!!" said one Democratic operative who advises a number of targeted Members of Congress. "Obama can't help you." [True-believing overemphasis added]
Oh ye of little faith in -- God!
Oh ye of little faith in -- God!
Here's an argument for health-care reform -- the kind that isn't 2,000 pages and finger pointing.
And speaking of Make -- Me Laugh!:
President Barack Obama is likely to name a special commission to come up with a plan to curb the spiraling budget deficit under an agreement forged with top Capitol Hill Democrats.
President Barack Obama is likely to name a special commission to come up with a plan to curb the spiraling budget deficit under an agreement forged with top Capitol Hill Democrats.
As part of my continuing obsession with music downloads I've found a site (again, no links) with a fair sampling of the bad music that dominated game shows in the seventies, stuff like "Banjoman Meets Baretta" and "Deep (Blank)", and among its offerings are not one but two versions of the theme from the 1979 syndicated game show Make -- Me Laugh! (emphasis added), yes, the show that dared contestants not to laugh at such outstanding comic geniuses as "Bob Saget, Howie Mandel, Gallagher, Gary Mule Deer, Yakov Smirnoff, Bruce 'Babyman' Baum and Garry Shandling", but unfortunately not Jay Leno, who would have fit right in. I watched it often and never laughed ONCE. This was the show Bobby Van emceed only to die of brain cancer afterwards. I know there wasn't a connection but in a way there is. Make -- Me Laugh! and Bobby Van's terminal illness are a big reason why I think so highly of stand-up.
LIKE CLOCKWORK: IBM reports HIGHER EARNINGS!!!!! and the stock gets hit after hours.
And how much of the BULL MARKET rides on a gale of HOT AIR?
And how much of the BULL MARKET rides on a gale of HOT AIR?
The TRAGEDY afflicting the Bob Hope Classic -- no world top-35! No money top-10! No sponsor! -- says that, as with housing, as with retailing, there may be too many golf tournaments.
It used to be rookies never played the Bob Hope Classic because so many spots were taken by top players. This year, the tournament went 32 deep into the Nationwide/Q-school category to fill its field.
Another way of saying that once you get below a certain level golf is full of high-end amateurs.
It used to be rookies never played the Bob Hope Classic because so many spots were taken by top players. This year, the tournament went 32 deep into the Nationwide/Q-school category to fill its field.
Another way of saying that once you get below a certain level golf is full of high-end amateurs.
Erich Segal, the author of a very famous catch phrase, has died. RIP.
Monday, January 18, 2010
And as if we don't have evidence enough we're in a -- don't SAY that word! Say ECONOMY -- The Econowiz posits Michigan won't fully recover until 2025. "Gov." Granholm and others think it can come back with EDUCATIONHEALTHCARE. So we run programs to teach the unemployed in EDUCATIONHEALTHCARE. What if we can magically put everyone back to work? Where would they work? Oh, EDUCATIONHEALTHCARE. And who would PAY for it? Well, the Feds, and, uh...somebody. RENDELLISM is a circular argument, burying states and cities as it digs its circular path deeper.
This must pass for glamour in this glamour-starved age, but however cute America's Sister may be we'd still prefer America's Lover.
How many have noticed that G000,000,000,000,000,000GLE's prize possession YouTube has been VERY slow of late? When does competition kick in here?
We must wonder too if the Democratic senate candidate has been a victim of blahblahblah, but no one told her to mention Curt Schilling.
And in further blahblahblah, MICHAEL admits Red hasn't been very funny. But then many of his hack comrades say Jut-Jaw isn't funny. Can we just say the zillionaire talk-show midgets are more apt than not to be unfunny and leave it at that?
Blahblahblah:
Because of Jerry Jones' edifice complex, the city of Dallas will get a Super Bowl next season. The Cowboys just won't be in it. At least not until they learn to protect their quarterback, cover anyone named Rice and act like they cares [SIC!] about having the ball.
We all make mistakes; but we are more likely to make mistakes going blahblahblah, like too many of our print sentinels. And this mistake sticks out because sports hacks more than most go blahblahblah.
Because of Jerry Jones' edifice complex, the city of Dallas will get a Super Bowl next season. The Cowboys just won't be in it. At least not until they learn to protect their quarterback, cover anyone named Rice and act like they cares [SIC!] about having the ball.
We all make mistakes; but we are more likely to make mistakes going blahblahblah, like too many of our print sentinels. And this mistake sticks out because sports hacks more than most go blahblahblah.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Now here's an unimpeachable number: Despite some attempted last-minute heroics today the winners will have taken this latest NFL playoff round by a combined 116-34.
Exzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzciting!
Exzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzciting!
Speaking of idiots I've finally figured out why the hacks luuuUUUUUuuuhve the Golden Globs: They're show-biz awards the way news hacks would hand them out -- everyone wins.
And don't news hacks hand out these awards?
And don't news hacks hand out these awards?
'AVATAR' PASSES 'STAR WARS' WITH $491.8M IN US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Record-setting overemphasis added)
...and DAVID "NON" GERMAIN says "inflation" in the fifteenth graf, or three grafs after his weekly sound byte from PAUL DRECK.
Okay, this is "just" show biz. But if hacks can play around with trivial numbers what prevents them from playing with our budget-deficit numbers? Or business numbers? Or health-care numbers? Nothing, which is why the more hacks boast of BOX-OFFICE RECORDS!!!!!!!!!! the less we should trust any of their numbers.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO NON!
...and DAVID "NON" GERMAIN says "inflation" in the fifteenth graf, or three grafs after his weekly sound byte from PAUL DRECK.
Okay, this is "just" show biz. But if hacks can play around with trivial numbers what prevents them from playing with our budget-deficit numbers? Or business numbers? Or health-care numbers? Nothing, which is why the more hacks boast of BOX-OFFICE RECORDS!!!!!!!!!! the less we should trust any of their numbers.
A NEUHARTHISM OF THE MONTH AWARD TO NON!
If it's Sunday it must be Big Double-A-Scribble Time:
1. People keep saying the age of throwing money down the sports toilet is at an end. Why? CEOs still apply the scissors to the big bucks come Super Bowl time; Mickey D is busy building a fiscal bonfire in Vancouver; plenty of companies will still prove they can keep up with the CEO Joneses. Who is to say this isn't a cyclical thing? We doubt it otherwise for a sudden jolt in the economy would surely bring the ad prima-donnas back. It would be sensible if these morons whittled down the ad wastage in sport; but business is NOT sensible.
2. Or to put it another way, if WE weren't shelling out zillions for a sixty at the Bowl would people complain?
3. "We all know what 2009 brought to most people, and 2010 is still challenging. But as viewers and advertisers we attempt to be optimistic, and I think that can translate to a new schedule," said Jon Stimmel, senior VP-group client director for Publicis' MediaVest.
TRANSLATION: Besides, there are other things to waste our customers' hard-earned money on, and we intend to waste it.
4. Overall, Michael Niemira, director-research at the International Council of Shopping Centers, said he expects the vacancy rate could actually rise in the coming year. He said store closings are likely to moderate but store openings may be weaker, given that companies were faced with making those plans in the depths of the recession. The ICSC says 4,763 stores closed in 2009, much fewer than the roughly 6,913 closures in 2008 and on par with 2006 and 2007 closure rates.
TRANSLATION: Too many stores still chase too few customers.
5. And SUMNERs and their bean counters are spending even more time with focus groups, meaning their excretions will only get worse regardless of what cri-TICS say.
1. People keep saying the age of throwing money down the sports toilet is at an end. Why? CEOs still apply the scissors to the big bucks come Super Bowl time; Mickey D is busy building a fiscal bonfire in Vancouver; plenty of companies will still prove they can keep up with the CEO Joneses. Who is to say this isn't a cyclical thing? We doubt it otherwise for a sudden jolt in the economy would surely bring the ad prima-donnas back. It would be sensible if these morons whittled down the ad wastage in sport; but business is NOT sensible.
2. Or to put it another way, if WE weren't shelling out zillions for a sixty at the Bowl would people complain?
3. "We all know what 2009 brought to most people, and 2010 is still challenging. But as viewers and advertisers we attempt to be optimistic, and I think that can translate to a new schedule," said Jon Stimmel, senior VP-group client director for Publicis' MediaVest.
TRANSLATION: Besides, there are other things to waste our customers' hard-earned money on, and we intend to waste it.
4. Overall, Michael Niemira, director-research at the International Council of Shopping Centers, said he expects the vacancy rate could actually rise in the coming year. He said store closings are likely to moderate but store openings may be weaker, given that companies were faced with making those plans in the depths of the recession. The ICSC says 4,763 stores closed in 2009, much fewer than the roughly 6,913 closures in 2008 and on par with 2006 and 2007 closure rates.
TRANSLATION: Too many stores still chase too few customers.
5. And SUMNERs and their bean counters are spending even more time with focus groups, meaning their excretions will only get worse regardless of what cri-TICS say.
