THE NEWS HACK'S CREED:
I know more than you.
I make lots more money than you.
I'm smarter than you.
I'm sexier than you.
I appear on TV all the time.
I work ten minutes a day.
I rule the universe.
I'm going to live forever.
You are an idiot.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 2:
A lie isn't a lie when it tells THE TRUTH.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 3:
I've come to realize that the looseness of the journalistic life, the seeming laxity of the newsroom, is an illusion. Yes, there's informality and there's humor, but beneath the surface lies something deadly serious. It is a code. Sometimes the code is not even written down, but it is deeply believed in. And, when violated, it is enforced with tribal ferocity.
--JOHN "OMERTA" CARROLL.
THE NEWS HACK'S CREED, No. 4:
News isn't news when we don't report it.
PERMALINKS:
THE NEWS HACKS' DICTIONARY
THE EUGENE DAVID GLOSSARY
AMERICA'S MOST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY WEB SITE!
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Saturday, February 13, 2010
Oh goody! Maybe a strike next year for the National Belligerence Association!
Well Dave, you can always import SCABS from China!
Well Dave, you can always import SCABS from China!
The more I think of what that buffoon Thompson of Mickey D said the angrier I get. We have mentioned Berlin and Munich, but let us not forget the anti-Semite AVERY BRANDAGE; the East German hermaphrodites; the show of bad sportsmanship parading as moral courage in the raised fists on the Mexico City podium; the finish of the '72 men's basketball final; the champion Carl Lewis; the champion Ben Johnson; the champion Marion Jones; Tonya and Nancy at Lillehammer; the media posse convicting Richard Jewell of the Olympic Park bombing in Atlanta; the NHL players trashing the dorms at Nagano; the figure-skating fiasco at Salt Lake. Nor should we forget also the champions who became asses to the world, like Mark Spitz and Bruce Jenner. Nor should we forget the very costly "herd of white elephants" these proud festivals have left behind in practically every city starting with Montréal, reaching an Olympic-flaming apotheosis in Beijing -- and marching to London and beyond. You would think a businessman might realize that. Of course not; he runs MICKEY D -- the closest thing corporate America has to a self-sustaining government employment agency. If this blithering idiot Thompson wants to liken his company to THE GAMES, the more the merrier.
How many months left on YOUR vacation, Don?
How many months left on YOUR vacation, Don?
Speaking of minarets, the other night there was an attempt at a riot at UC Irvine, which only conservative Web sites, Israeli Web sites and Jewish bloggers seem to have mentioned (but note LALA did report it, much to its credit), which shows when the Islamists take over they will have had much help from supine media.
Speaking of anarchists, there was a big...party of young Facebook zealots at an abandoned London mansion -- oh heck, let's call it what it was: a riot -- and the Evening Standard's tale has a somehow appropriate ending:
The house was bought for £10 million and if registered to a limited company based in Jersey. The owner is rumoured to be a Middle Eastern businessman.
The house was bought for £10 million and if registered to a limited company based in Jersey. The owner is rumoured to be a Middle Eastern businessman.
We see also a small bunch of anarchists have gotten their face time. This should worry THE LORDS OF LAUSANNE because it officially means to the cranks of the sidewalk THE GAMES are now indistinguishable from, say, the WORLD BANK, but then both are indistinguishable in so many ways anyhow.
The other day MICHAEL had to write about this new fad which, as he sometimes can, made us instantly tired. Today one of his writers came up with this one -- and by contrast it so pungently elucidates the Web and its meretricious trends we had to post it in full:
Chatroulette: Next Big Thing or Next Dumb Thing?
Here's who you meet in vid chat—over and over
(Newser) – Chatroulette is getting “next big thing” buzz all over the Internet, with many swearing that the site, which lets you video chat with random people all over the world, is a total revolution. And it is—“for about six and a half minutes,” writes Josh Kurp on Nerve. Then you realize that it’s just another chat service and you’ll meet the same kinds of people over and over. Kurp breaks them down for you:
● Masturbators: There are a lot of them, happy to have a new way to expose themselves.
● Dorm Room Bros: Tend to type “ur a faggot” rather than “hello.”
● Ads: Hey look, your “webcam” is showing me a picture of a floating cat—and a link to your website.
● People in Costumes: We get it, you’re weird. Next.
● Bored People: In the end, most chatters are just trying to kill time.
● Strippers: They really think those abs are worth sharing.
● Actual Girls: So rare, they deserve their own category.
We know that feeling.
Chatroulette: Next Big Thing or Next Dumb Thing?
Here's who you meet in vid chat—over and over
(Newser) – Chatroulette is getting “next big thing” buzz all over the Internet, with many swearing that the site, which lets you video chat with random people all over the world, is a total revolution. And it is—“for about six and a half minutes,” writes Josh Kurp on Nerve. Then you realize that it’s just another chat service and you’ll meet the same kinds of people over and over. Kurp breaks them down for you:
● Masturbators: There are a lot of them, happy to have a new way to expose themselves.
● Dorm Room Bros: Tend to type “ur a faggot” rather than “hello.”
● Ads: Hey look, your “webcam” is showing me a picture of a floating cat—and a link to your website.
● People in Costumes: We get it, you’re weird. Next.
● Bored People: In the end, most chatters are just trying to kill time.
● Strippers: They really think those abs are worth sharing.
● Actual Girls: So rare, they deserve their own category.
We know that feeling.
On Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, it’s worth reflecting that, as great as Ronald Reagan was, he followed in the footsteps of the greatest Republican communicator. That title belongs to the party’s first president. In reading Lincoln’s speeches, one can easily imagine how he would have responded to President Obama: powerfully, directly, clearly. Lincoln was exceptionally good at talking straightforwardly and forcibly to the American people. He was incredibly well-reasoned, folksy yet elevated, poetic yet plain-spoken. The key to victory for the GOP is putting forth and honing articulate, likable candidates with the capacity to emulate — in their own way, in their own vein — something of Lincoln’s outstanding rhetorical example.
Like SARAH!!!!!
OR:
Eighty-seven years ago some guys in Philly had this really neat idea of starting a new country.
Whatever happened to HIM?
Like SARAH!!!!!
OR:
Eighty-seven years ago some guys in Philly had this really neat idea of starting a new country.
Whatever happened to HIM?
“Doctors and dentists investing in oil wells was sign of top in 1980s [sic],” the bank said last week in a note to clients. “Rappers the sign this cycle?”
A fool and his money -- thankfully there are no fools in show-biz, as you can tell from their egos.
(Via Seeking Alpha)
A fool and his money -- thankfully there are no fools in show-biz, as you can tell from their egos.
(Via Seeking Alpha)
We voted Dubya out of office, so what did we get? An executive-ordering Democratic Dubya!
(Via SUPERADAM!!!!!, whose interns are supremely happy their Nixon's finally the one!)
(Via SUPERADAM!!!!!, whose interns are supremely happy their Nixon's finally the one!)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Berlin and Munich demonstrated for all time THE GAMES have nothing to do with reality. This dreadful accident will not change that. You don't survive for 114 years without avoiding reality.
A rise in VAT is looming whichever party wins the general election, as Labour and the Conservatives draw up plans to balance Britain’s books.
Alistair Darling and George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, are both considering raising VAT to as high as 20 per cent — the European average — from the current rate of 17.5 per cent, The Times has learnt.
Six of one....
Alistair Darling and George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, are both considering raising VAT to as high as 20 per cent — the European average — from the current rate of 17.5 per cent, The Times has learnt.
Six of one....
Zuckerman Is Said to Be Weighing Bid for the Senate
Just what New York needs -- two honorary leaders.
(Via The Corner)
Just what New York needs -- two honorary leaders.
(Via The Corner)
NINCOMPOOP:
As McDonald’s president and chief operating officer Donald Thompson put it in a Bloomberg TV interview, “The goals, visions and values of the Olympic games are aligned with McDonalds.”
Indeed: Put out a mediocre product, be PC about it, and beat 'em over the head with MARKETING.
As McDonald’s president and chief operating officer Donald Thompson put it in a Bloomberg TV interview, “The goals, visions and values of the Olympic games are aligned with McDonalds.”
Indeed: Put out a mediocre product, be PC about it, and beat 'em over the head with MARKETING.
Today I encountered four complete wastes of time on the Web.
1. WASHINGTON - At a time of deepening political disaffection and intensified distress about the economy, President Obama enjoys an edge over Republicans in the battle for public support, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll.
While the president is showing signs of vulnerability on his handling of the economy — a majority of respondents say he has yet to offer a clear plan for creating jobs — Americans blame former President George W. Bush, Wall Street and Congress much more than they do Mr. Obama for the nation’s economic problems and the budget deficit, the poll found.
They credit Mr. Obama more than Republicans with making an effort at bipartisanship, and they back the White House’s policies on a variety of disputed issues, including allowing gay men and lesbians to serve openly in the military and repealing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.
You can almost hear the authors rubbing their hands. So why did several con-SER-va-tive bloggers emphasize His Omnipotence's low numbers? Perhaps because there are so many ways to SPIN public opinion polls. A better idea would be a simple neutral two- or three-graf summary followed by the numbers themselves. Let the readers use their own heads. But The Paper of Re-CORD doesn't think its readers have them, an argument that PINCHDOM can't go pay fast enough.
2. SLIME had a teaser on His Times site:
Brace yourself for the silliest fortnight imaginable: the 2010 Winter Olympics
And so we read and read until we got to the twenty-third of twenty-four grafs:
Of course they’re silly. They wouldn’t be sports if they weren’t silly. Silliness is an essential part of sport. If sport wasn’t silly, it would be real life, and that’s the last thing we want.
SLIME's hacks set up an expectation of satire. THE GAMES are surely overflowing with the stuff of satire, and self-parody. Instead one of His typists merely restates the obvious, and does so after he and his editors thoroughly mislead us. SLIMEDOM can't go pay fast enough.
3. Listicles are bad enough -- but some typist has come up with one better: a story about a listicle. Listicles are the eenie-meenie-minie-moe of news hackery, assigning arbitrary values to dubious subjects. That this list comes from The Econowiz does not surprise us; in more than a few ways it's a high-end version of FORBESLIST. What's more listicles have a strong PR component, reason enough to avoid them. And yes, this too is about THE GAMES, so the PR here SMELLS.
4. GRATE.COM specializes in the written equivalent of shooting the bull that's full of bull. Its round-robins of revuers are annoying because they slobber over with what they think is acidic candor. So here's another one trying to convince us nineties girl-rock was one of those BETTER-THAN-EVER!!!!! pop-culture trends. What makes it especially irritating is that AHTSJournal linked to it like this:
Whatever Happened To Riot Grrrls? In the '90s, "[it] was acceptable to be angry and sexy, and in pop culture there were finally a bunch of role models: Courtney Love, Liz Phair, and Kathleen Hanna, to name just a few. Sadly, that potent combination of female rage and sex appeal has slipped out of the mainstream." Is sexy anger in rock ripe for a comeback?
Now we know from the excerpt this will be stink-up-the-gym BAD, and it also tries to sell the notion of a "sexy" Courtney Love -- although we suppose Typhoid Mary had her lovers too. But such is its strong whiff of BS even this briefest fragment of two-left-footed writing forces the reader to hold his nose.
How much time must we waste consuming the news equivalent of zero?
1. WASHINGTON - At a time of deepening political disaffection and intensified distress about the economy, President Obama enjoys an edge over Republicans in the battle for public support, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll.
While the president is showing signs of vulnerability on his handling of the economy — a majority of respondents say he has yet to offer a clear plan for creating jobs — Americans blame former President George W. Bush, Wall Street and Congress much more than they do Mr. Obama for the nation’s economic problems and the budget deficit, the poll found.
They credit Mr. Obama more than Republicans with making an effort at bipartisanship, and they back the White House’s policies on a variety of disputed issues, including allowing gay men and lesbians to serve openly in the military and repealing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.
You can almost hear the authors rubbing their hands. So why did several con-SER-va-tive bloggers emphasize His Omnipotence's low numbers? Perhaps because there are so many ways to SPIN public opinion polls. A better idea would be a simple neutral two- or three-graf summary followed by the numbers themselves. Let the readers use their own heads. But The Paper of Re-CORD doesn't think its readers have them, an argument that PINCHDOM can't go pay fast enough.
2. SLIME had a teaser on His Times site:
Brace yourself for the silliest fortnight imaginable: the 2010 Winter Olympics
And so we read and read until we got to the twenty-third of twenty-four grafs:
Of course they’re silly. They wouldn’t be sports if they weren’t silly. Silliness is an essential part of sport. If sport wasn’t silly, it would be real life, and that’s the last thing we want.
SLIME's hacks set up an expectation of satire. THE GAMES are surely overflowing with the stuff of satire, and self-parody. Instead one of His typists merely restates the obvious, and does so after he and his editors thoroughly mislead us. SLIMEDOM can't go pay fast enough.
3. Listicles are bad enough -- but some typist has come up with one better: a story about a listicle. Listicles are the eenie-meenie-minie-moe of news hackery, assigning arbitrary values to dubious subjects. That this list comes from The Econowiz does not surprise us; in more than a few ways it's a high-end version of FORBESLIST. What's more listicles have a strong PR component, reason enough to avoid them. And yes, this too is about THE GAMES, so the PR here SMELLS.
4. GRATE.COM specializes in the written equivalent of shooting the bull that's full of bull. Its round-robins of revuers are annoying because they slobber over with what they think is acidic candor. So here's another one trying to convince us nineties girl-rock was one of those BETTER-THAN-EVER!!!!! pop-culture trends. What makes it especially irritating is that AHTSJournal linked to it like this:
Whatever Happened To Riot Grrrls? In the '90s, "[it] was acceptable to be angry and sexy, and in pop culture there were finally a bunch of role models: Courtney Love, Liz Phair, and Kathleen Hanna, to name just a few. Sadly, that potent combination of female rage and sex appeal has slipped out of the mainstream." Is sexy anger in rock ripe for a comeback?
Now we know from the excerpt this will be stink-up-the-gym BAD, and it also tries to sell the notion of a "sexy" Courtney Love -- although we suppose Typhoid Mary had her lovers too. But such is its strong whiff of BS even this briefest fragment of two-left-footed writing forces the reader to hold his nose.
How much time must we waste consuming the news equivalent of zero?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
That's cute, Little Malcolm -- but haven't we rebuilt something...backwards here?
And on the home page too?
TRANSLATION: The American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers has found a new means of financing junk television -- indiscriminate product placements -- and Brian's column is the first in another infinite series of MEA CULPAS that turn the MadMen into a bunch of incontinent alcoholics, desperately hooked on the juice, forever swearing they'll give it up, only these clowns know full well they don't ever have to be sober.
ARCHDaily!
Turkey built a museum for the Brown Dirt Cowboy!
That five-sided maze got ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPED!
Turkey built a museum for the Brown Dirt Cowboy!
That five-sided maze got ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPED!
Here MB2 had one of the jolliest days of his life and now a couple of pols want to make him write yet another tiresome column. We said before the con-SER-va-tives shouting hallelujah over the Nine Fingers' Citizens United ruling merely looked to equalize BIGMEDIA. Its opponents have their own ossified interests. One thing's clear: When any partisan left or right vows to protect free speech, censorship of his enemies is the first thing on his mind.
Looking at these images never gets any easier.
No, unless you're an extremely hard-core believer of...never mind.
No, unless you're an extremely hard-core believer of...never mind.
I can't count the number of times that I have picked up the newspaper at a time of crisis and found whole swaths of the front page given over either to the already known result of some other dull game or to the moral or criminal depredations of some overpaid steroid swallower. Listen: the paper has a whole separate section devoted to people who want to degrade the act of reading by staring enthusiastically at the outcomes of sporting events that occurred the previous day. These avid consumers also have tons of dedicated channels and publications that are lovingly contoured to their special needs. All I ask is that they keep out of the grown-up parts of the paper.
Alas, do that Chris, and a paper like USAOKAY!!!!! would have to furlough people permanently.
Alas, do that Chris, and a paper like USAOKAY!!!!! would have to furlough people permanently.
Speaking of USAOKAY!!!!!, the news hacks are undertaking a concerted effort to connect with an iPhone-crazed audience -- exactly what they should NOT be doing. This may explain the sudden puzzling grief spasm over the probable suicide of a British fashion designer I'd never heard of, nor we'll wager have most people -- but his clothes were reportedly HIP!, and iPhone and Twitter and Facebook addicts are reportedly HIP!, which is why certain dead starlets became posthumously HIP!, which means thank GOD we have an excuse for not covering IRAN.
The formerly favorite rag of hotel chains is forcing its employees to take a one-week furlough, which does not address where advertisers will come from when there's less good reason for papers, nor where readers will come from if you keep treating them as infants.
(Via the usual Romy via Seeking Alpha)
(Via the usual Romy via Seeking Alpha)
Iran’s show of force quashes protest attempts
‘It means they won and we lost,’ opposition supporter says
Fortunately the world will show its moral support through the ritual throwing of wet noodles.
NBC's Ali Arouzi reported that he and the handful of other accredited reporters in Iran were bused into the official rally in Freedom Square, penned into a certain section, barred from talking to even the government supporters and then bused out of the area. He said they were told that they were absolutely prohibited from going out independently to film activities on the streets of Tehran.
TRANSLATION: We may never again have legitimate news coverage from Nukemanland.
P. S. at 1:42 p. m.
PM warns Iran of fresh sanctions
Here comes another bowl! Duck!
Which comes first: The British doing something meaningful or Gordon and his employer BP striking a deal?
‘It means they won and we lost,’ opposition supporter says
Fortunately the world will show its moral support through the ritual throwing of wet noodles.
NBC's Ali Arouzi reported that he and the handful of other accredited reporters in Iran were bused into the official rally in Freedom Square, penned into a certain section, barred from talking to even the government supporters and then bused out of the area. He said they were told that they were absolutely prohibited from going out independently to film activities on the streets of Tehran.
TRANSLATION: We may never again have legitimate news coverage from Nukemanland.
P. S. at 1:42 p. m.
PM warns Iran of fresh sanctions
Here comes another bowl! Duck!
Which comes first: The British doing something meaningful or Gordon and his employer BP striking a deal?
U.S. snowboarder Nate Baumgartner said he was shocked to see people playing golf on a bright green course as he flew into Vancouver the other day, and denizens have been about in light jackets or sweatshirts.
GE's bid was $900 million more than the next closest bidder, Rupert Murdoch's Fox network. "They bid a lot higher for these games than they needed to," said Dominic Caristi, a professor at Ball State University's Digital Policy Institute.
TRANSLATION: They'll pull it out. People with permanent undeserved luck always manage.
GE's bid was $900 million more than the next closest bidder, Rupert Murdoch's Fox network. "They bid a lot higher for these games than they needed to," said Dominic Caristi, a professor at Ball State University's Digital Policy Institute.
TRANSLATION: They'll pull it out. People with permanent undeserved luck always manage.
We are also irritated to learn the biggest names at the GE BANCORP GAMES already earn huge sums, meaning 1. They're hardly pure as the driven -- snow, 2. What is the point of cheering them on as it only means more millions? and 3. The idiot CEOs will NOT keep their wallets closed despite the lessons of TGSM -- and there was a lesson in some now forgotten goose-egg skier at the last GE BANCORP production, though CEOs be mentally disabled.
In Yahoo!, compiled for three-year-olds, and even they should be insulted (and we say compiled instead of edited as the latter implies human intervention, although God knows what sort of humans work for Yahoo!), we learn a certain teenage "singing" sensation also can't act (although the Yahoo!ligans won't come out and say it, the usual with show-biz ads), and we crib from the TWXSTERS to say yes, there may be global warming despite two big East Coast snowstorms in five days.
What was the name of that old radio show? Oh yes -- IT PAYS TO BE IGNORANT!
What was the name of that old radio show? Oh yes -- IT PAYS TO BE IGNORANT!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Yahoo!'s run two stories today that further convince me that sports saps our sense and our sanity. First off, this pin-up skier was manufactured, and for that we may feel less than charitable toward her predicament; but when GE BANCORP (and its successor BRIAN ROBBER) and PEOPLE WARNER place the weight of so much marketing on her legs cynicism is unavoidable. As for that "chump" ARF-ARF, the best thing is to think all sportsmen oafs, and be glad for the exception, and hope that isn't manufactured either.
ARCHDaily!
House on stilts!
A new HQ for the League of Nations in Sweden -- we hope?
Okay starchitects -- what's with the heart of ice on Valentine's Day?
Spain may be broke but it still has enough money for ugly starchitecture!
A crushed beehive!
House on stilts!
A new HQ for the League of Nations in Sweden -- we hope?
Okay starchitects -- what's with the heart of ice on Valentine's Day?
Spain may be broke but it still has enough money for ugly starchitecture!
A crushed beehive!
Here's another anecdotal story. Folks have every right to hate BIGBANKDOM but most won't change banks when inertia kicks in, and there's little evidence of a revolt. Also there may not be all that much difference among banks anyway; they're all pretty much impersonal and chained to technology, and they're all capable of dumb things. (The banks seized by the FDIC are more George Bailey than John Thain.) Still, a symbolic move couldn't hurt much, and if people really paid attention to where their money goes it might be a good thing.
His strategy involves making fewer but more ambitious movies, cutting back on sweetheart producer deals and at long last integrating its corporate sibling DC Comics more tightly into the movie division. [Emphasis added]
TRANSLATION: The high TWXSTER Jeff Robinov (whose name SUPERNIKKI!!!!! once spelled Robinoff in a URL) is turning the already fictitious "Warner Bros." into DC COMICS PICTURES. We've used the name before and will use the name hence.
By the way, PINCHSTERS, we really won't miss such press releases when you go behind that wall. Hint hint?
P. S. An imperfect attempt at satire using Paint.net.
Not only do I think the Burj Khalifa will fall victim to the desert, it is now obvious it has fallen victim to rushrush building and corner cutting.
(Via MICHAEL!!!!!, whose site is often slow and compounds the annoyance with defective links -- I had to copy and paste to make the link work)
(Via MICHAEL!!!!!, whose site is often slow and compounds the annoyance with defective links -- I had to copy and paste to make the link work)
Speaking of skeptical one must always remind himself when news hacks start -- or even stop -- a phenomenon keep your wallet holstered. For years the hacks said FacebookMySpaceTwitter was worth umpteen gazillions. The blithering cretins at Zeitgeist insisted Second Life could have a membership of 1.5 BILLION. Now a few of these same hacks use anecdotal evidence to proclaim people are running away from the social sites in droves. Plainly too many are addicted to ever go cold turkey but it's still oblivious to some that the more time you spend before a computer, a higher price you may pay.
I and thousands of my fellow workers stayed home today for a blizzard. Right now it's raining. Even if it's a freezing rain it's still rain. Perhaps it will blizzard later (The Weather Channel and AccuWeather and NOAA insist on it) but such events tell me when it comes to global warming it's best to believe nobody.
P. S. at 11:33 a. m. NOW it's snowing -- lightly.
P. P. S. at 12:08 p. m. Well -- it's SNOWING now. I can barely make out nearby buildings. I guess it wasn't a farce after all.
P. S. at 11:33 a. m. NOW it's snowing -- lightly.
P. P. S. at 12:08 p. m. Well -- it's SNOWING now. I can barely make out nearby buildings. I guess it wasn't a farce after all.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Honda Warns Toyota Troubles Could Spread Through Industry
Honda expands airbag recall on 2001 and 2002 vehicles
They aren't kidding.
Honda expands airbag recall on 2001 and 2002 vehicles
They aren't kidding.
Don't you get the feeling the LORDS OF LAUSANNE are so busy cutting deals with the sponsors and VERY LITTLER JEFFY and shaking down taxpayers that the athletes must come last? In Beijing it was smog. How fitting Vancouver may have trouble with its climate. Skiers? What skiers? We got a big payout from MICKEY D's and COKE!
The latest snapshot of how University of California students spend their time suggests sleep and socializing were far more important than classes and studying to the average undergraduate there. But that was two years ago, before institutions and families plunged into economic turmoil, and things may have changed.
Somehow we are very strongly tempted to say, we doubt it.
Somehow we are very strongly tempted to say, we doubt it.
The bloom may be coming off the TV advertising rose. According to a joint Association of National Advertisers and Forrester Research survey of more than 100 national advertisers, 62 percent of respondents think TV ads have become less effective in the past two years. The main culprit cited by respondents was clutter....
...caused by so many advertisers piling on to TV because IT'S SO EFFECTIVE!!!!!
And of course the chief...EXECUTIVE of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers must bloviate:
"As the overall marketing landscape is in the midst of a massive shift, so is the iconic medium of television," said Bob Liodice, president and CEO of the ANA. "The standard methods of delivery and measurement need to adapt to what marketers today need: more specificity, greater effectiveness, and more detailed measurement. ROI is one of the most crucial aspects of marketing today, and the processes behind TV must be held to the same scrutiny as marketers."
TRANSLATION: MORE spending for MORE junk TV from MORE sugar daddies!
...caused by so many advertisers piling on to TV because IT'S SO EFFECTIVE!!!!!
And of course the chief...EXECUTIVE of the American Society of Willfully Ignorant Advertisers must bloviate:
"As the overall marketing landscape is in the midst of a massive shift, so is the iconic medium of television," said Bob Liodice, president and CEO of the ANA. "The standard methods of delivery and measurement need to adapt to what marketers today need: more specificity, greater effectiveness, and more detailed measurement. ROI is one of the most crucial aspects of marketing today, and the processes behind TV must be held to the same scrutiny as marketers."
TRANSLATION: MORE spending for MORE junk TV from MORE sugar daddies!
NBC will use the Olympics starting Friday to heavily promote Jay's March 1st return to The Tonight Show. In the meantime, the Leno Show set will get a makeover, and I've heard that a desk was picked for the host's return before the ink was even dry on his latest contract. There's also a mean-spirited rumor being emailed that NBC has packed the first week Leno is back with an audience consisting mainly of paid extras from Central Casting who will cheer and laugh extra wildly. Ouch!
Hey SUPERNIKKI!!!!!, have you ever thought of guest-emceeing The Tonight Show?
You deserve it -- after all the TWXSTERS ARE making a TV show out of you.
Hey SUPERNIKKI!!!!!, have you ever thought of guest-emceeing The Tonight Show?
You deserve it -- after all the TWXSTERS ARE making a TV show out of you.
Monday, February 08, 2010
This I hope is my LAST mention of THE CURE FOR CANCER until the NEXT one, but dammit the Crainiacs had to subject us to ANOTHER MEA CULPA, ANOTHER PHONY APOLOGY, asking us our forgiveness for how rotten advertising is, how unimaginative its "creatives", how under their vast tutelage THE CURE is getting "smaller", while their subscribers keep donating our contributions to the NFL, SUMNER, SLIME, VERY LITTLER JEFFY and UB IGER -- and soon BRIAN ROBBER.
I HATE TWO-FACES!
I HATE TWO-FACES!
Walking around Rittenhouse Square yesterday looking for snowmen (they'd all gone into hiding) I couldn't help notice all the handwritten signs on the lampposts offering a $3,000 reward for a missing ring. Good as lost, I thought. Today I learn somebody found it and returned it to its rightful owner and didn't take the $3,000. There are a few good souls and happy endings in this world.
Rep. John Murtha, one of Congress's leading disbursers of pork, unindicted ABSCAM co-conspirator, and a man nonpareil in saluting his own immortality through public works like his heavily-traveled airport, has died. RIP.
Needless to say the ASSPRESS salutes the man whose real name was once "RESPECTED X. MARINE" for his PRINCIPLED, NOBLE, HONORABLE OPPOSITION to an UNJUST WAR -- so long as we don't have to mention THAT AIRPORT.
And PETE is even more helpful: nine grafs on Respected's courage and wit, and we save the minor parts for the end. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD (POLITICAL FLUNKY DIVISION) TO PETE!
Needless to say the ASSPRESS salutes the man whose real name was once "RESPECTED X. MARINE" for his PRINCIPLED, NOBLE, HONORABLE OPPOSITION to an UNJUST WAR -- so long as we don't have to mention THAT AIRPORT.
And PETE is even more helpful: nine grafs on Respected's courage and wit, and we save the minor parts for the end. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK AWARD (POLITICAL FLUNKY DIVISION) TO PETE!
UP TWO PERCENT?!?!? I guess Nielsen couldn't lie that much.
SPECIAL P. R. UPDATE AT 1:54 P. M.
SUPER BOWL MOST WATCH TV SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!! [SIC!!!!!!!!!!]
And of course by now we've gotten five different numbers. One thing I know: David "300" Bauder is feeling good, and he was in a great hurry to smile to the world -- and you can be sure he wouldn't know the difference between "watch" and "watched", or his fat fanny and a hole in the ground. Why the hacks should feel good about the press releases they spout is beyond me. If they want to feel good they should work for their sources (as they already do de facto) -- or RETIRE.
P. S. THIS IDIOTIC TYPO HAS GONE OUT THROUGH THE WHOLE ASSPRESS SYSTEM -- a moment of great pride for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!), no doubt. (Although CURLEY seems in a big hurry to correct it, unlike with stories that might be more important.)
And so nobody thinks we made it up:
MORONS.
SPECIAL P. R. UPDATE AT 1:54 P. M.
SUPER BOWL MOST WATCH TV SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!! [SIC!!!!!!!!!!]
And of course by now we've gotten five different numbers. One thing I know: David "300" Bauder is feeling good, and he was in a great hurry to smile to the world -- and you can be sure he wouldn't know the difference between "watch" and "watched", or his fat fanny and a hole in the ground. Why the hacks should feel good about the press releases they spout is beyond me. If they want to feel good they should work for their sources (as they already do de facto) -- or RETIRE.
P. S. THIS IDIOTIC TYPO HAS GONE OUT THROUGH THE WHOLE ASSPRESS SYSTEM -- a moment of great pride for CURLEY (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!), no doubt. (Although CURLEY seems in a big hurry to correct it, unlike with stories that might be more important.)
And so nobody thinks we made it up:
MORONS.
Every news hack's favorite "conservative" -- BURPS:
Members of this new miniwave of moderate Republicans support national defense, are eager to cut other federal spending and are hostile to Democratic attempts to reregulate the economy. But these newcomers also understand that the health care status quo is unsustainable. They seek a middle way on abortion and gay rights. They want to protect the environment. And they eschew the inflammatory rhetoric of the tea parties and town halls.
In his very clever manner Dave doesn't suggest how to fix health care, what the middle way on abortion or gay rights is, how we should protect the environment, and what kind of rhetoric would replace PILLHEAD's. We do know Dave's become a favorite with the hacks because he says things they want to hear, which ultimately confirm conservatives as NAZIS -- and why he's up there on the list of pundits we do not choose to read.
We wonder: Is Dave about to strike a punditing deal with PEOPLE WARNER? Not very nice of him to abandon JonBoy that way.
Members of this new miniwave of moderate Republicans support national defense, are eager to cut other federal spending and are hostile to Democratic attempts to reregulate the economy. But these newcomers also understand that the health care status quo is unsustainable. They seek a middle way on abortion and gay rights. They want to protect the environment. And they eschew the inflammatory rhetoric of the tea parties and town halls.
In his very clever manner Dave doesn't suggest how to fix health care, what the middle way on abortion or gay rights is, how we should protect the environment, and what kind of rhetoric would replace PILLHEAD's. We do know Dave's become a favorite with the hacks because he says things they want to hear, which ultimately confirm conservatives as NAZIS -- and why he's up there on the list of pundits we do not choose to read.
We wonder: Is Dave about to strike a punditing deal with PEOPLE WARNER? Not very nice of him to abandon JonBoy that way.
Speaking of boondoggles:
[I]t all begins with the rights fees. Irwin Gotlieb, the chief executive of GroupM, which does about $80 billion annually in billings, has pronounced sports rights fees “totally out of control.” Jon Swallen, senior VP of research at TNS Media Intelligence, suggests that we may be in a “sports rights bubble.”
PUMP IT UP!
The economy, according to Andy Donchin, executive VP and chief investment officer at media agency Carat, is giving marketers pause. And it may also temper the next round of bidding.
Now I know this is fake: Andy's one of the guys with his hands on the pump!
Kath & Kim, My Own Worst Enemy and Heroes received copious promotional consideration during the Beijing Games. Of the three programs, two are no longer on the air and the third is experiencing its least-watched season ever.
PUMP IT UP SOME MORE!
Winter Olympics viewers, according to one rival network executive, “aren't your traditional network television viewers, and they're not your traditional NBC viewers. Your promos are generally the same kind of promos you would use when you're talking to your audience. A lot of these viewers who tune in to these big events are inundated with network promos. And they go, 'Well, that's why I don't watch network television.'”
YOU PUMPED IT TOO MUCH!!!!!
[I]t all begins with the rights fees. Irwin Gotlieb, the chief executive of GroupM, which does about $80 billion annually in billings, has pronounced sports rights fees “totally out of control.” Jon Swallen, senior VP of research at TNS Media Intelligence, suggests that we may be in a “sports rights bubble.”
PUMP IT UP!
The economy, according to Andy Donchin, executive VP and chief investment officer at media agency Carat, is giving marketers pause. And it may also temper the next round of bidding.
Now I know this is fake: Andy's one of the guys with his hands on the pump!
Kath & Kim, My Own Worst Enemy and Heroes received copious promotional consideration during the Beijing Games. Of the three programs, two are no longer on the air and the third is experiencing its least-watched season ever.
PUMP IT UP SOME MORE!
Winter Olympics viewers, according to one rival network executive, “aren't your traditional network television viewers, and they're not your traditional NBC viewers. Your promos are generally the same kind of promos you would use when you're talking to your audience. A lot of these viewers who tune in to these big events are inundated with network promos. And they go, 'Well, that's why I don't watch network television.'”
YOU PUMPED IT TOO MUCH!!!!!
Vice-President Alexander P. Throttlebottom extends his permanent vacation in Vancouver!
He can gaffe to his heart's delight!
He can gaffe to his heart's delight!
January 2:
Who wants to bet the desert heat and the desert winds ultimately render much of the building unusable -- especially if it's unoccupied for long?
Perhaps this closure of the lookout of the Burj Khalifa is temporary, but who can say nature isn't starting to conquer this monument of hubris?
Who wants to bet the desert heat and the desert winds ultimately render much of the building unusable -- especially if it's unoccupied for long?
Perhaps this closure of the lookout of the Burj Khalifa is temporary, but who can say nature isn't starting to conquer this monument of hubris?
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Their hopes for a "CLASSIC" (newshackery for the CEO screaming, "I WAS AT THE SUPER BOWL AND YOU WEREN'T!!!!!") dashed, the typists will try to make up for it with plenteous rubbish insisting that Nawlans is BACK, but again we mention NOMOTOWN, and it will take more than one win in one silly overexposed festival of high-mucky-mucks to bring that city back.
Jake, another partisan effete snob, ruins the effect of his last graf by saying in the preceding one how mature His Omnipotence and Ah-NULT are (needless to say Jake thinks Ah-NULT's a REPUBLICAN), but I'm willing to sacrifice if it means saving our nation from the brink. So I'm convinced are many others. But our superiors aren't -- and they include NEWS HACKS, which is why Jake can speak of our potential for permanent decline. He also ruins the effect by linking to Jim "MURROW" Fallow.
One last question before THE SECOND COMING: When do the cretins in McLEAN start running a permanent annual series about its IMPACT ON THE ECONOMY? About how many pizzas and beers it moves? How many HDTVs fly off the shelves? How many of the sponsors' stocks it sends to the stratosphere? Count on USAOKAY!!!!! to inquire as it wouldn't for anything else, and unearth suitably inflated numbers -- all the better to rend our sanity again with the ADMETER!!!!!
And Molly could help!
And Molly could help!
And if it's CURE-FOR-CANCER SUNDAY it must be Big Double-A-Scribble time:
1. Why should anyone trust his friends for product recommendations? Friends are likely to be as ill-informed as you -- especially if they get their recommendations from the same three sources. Finding basic product information can be a chore even on the Web, not merely for the conflicting advice but for absolutely certitude people shout it out with. Such is certainly the case with iPods. I've been lured by a bargain for a Sony MP3 player on Newegg and looked it up, only to find some people worship iPods and some desecrate them. There seems no reliable thought-out middle ground -- all the more reason not to trust mere friends.
2. It would be apt for The Puzzle Palace of Mountain View to finance the CURE; it would demonstrate for all time it's just ANOTHER BIGMEDIA COMPANY.
1. Why should anyone trust his friends for product recommendations? Friends are likely to be as ill-informed as you -- especially if they get their recommendations from the same three sources. Finding basic product information can be a chore even on the Web, not merely for the conflicting advice but for absolutely certitude people shout it out with. Such is certainly the case with iPods. I've been lured by a bargain for a Sony MP3 player on Newegg and looked it up, only to find some people worship iPods and some desecrate them. There seems no reliable thought-out middle ground -- all the more reason not to trust mere friends.
2. It would be apt for The Puzzle Palace of Mountain View to finance the CURE; it would demonstrate for all time it's just ANOTHER BIGMEDIA COMPANY.
Speaking of the CURE, what happens if the ratings go up as much as they did for the playoffs -- say 20 percent? That means an audience of about 120 million. I know how the job-hunting show-biz and advertising hacks will react -- with the $10 BILLION gag; there'll be nearly as much dancing on the desks as there was in the Washington bureaus with His Omnipotence. Someone should ask tough questions of Nielsen. Why this sudden boost? No one will ask. People have stopped questioning TV ratings the way they did back when decent shows got canceled with audiences of 30 million. I am convinced A. C. is tweaking the numbers in part as a patriotic gesture -- much as the BOND-RATING FIRMS tweaked their triple-A's on toxic securities. That Nielsen didn't move zillions for fraud does not lessen the fraud.
And let us not forget that even as the NFL cures cancer most of the world is sound asleep to the discovery.
And let us not forget that even as the NFL cures cancer most of the world is sound asleep to the discovery.
Today I took a glum walk down a mostly deserted South Street; the snow and the CURE took care of the people. At my gloomiest out of nowhere marched a contingent of twenty musicians out of the Mummers parade playing an unreasonable facsimile of Dixieland and my spirit perked up and I wanted to yell "Happy New Year!" Then I sagged as they tootled away. Returning for home I found the musicians walking the other way and playing even more raucously than before. There is a case for such musical effusions -- not the solo street ones, which come from beggars with another name, but these sudden demonstrations of happiness, toward whom only the surliest could object.
MORONS: The maniacs who turned the Gospel of Lucas into an inescapable poison are mad that He doesn't listen to them, who are even more Godly than their God, so they made a "movie" comprised of YouTube tantrums; and now one of their flacks spins it into a valentine, which in a way it is -- a valentine for sadomasochism.
(Via the usual AHTSJournal, which sometimes shows its own very strong -- mentally-challenged streak)
(Via the usual AHTSJournal, which sometimes shows its own very strong -- mentally-challenged streak)
Geaux Who [John J. Miller]
Here's confirmation that The Who will play the greatest conservative rock song during their halftime show:
I guess he was low on his quota in inspiring banshee screams. John, why couldn't you have been out doing something productive, like shoveling snow?
Here's confirmation that The Who will play the greatest conservative rock song during their halftime show:
I guess he was low on his quota in inspiring banshee screams. John, why couldn't you have been out doing something productive, like shoveling snow?
Eighteen months after ONE OF THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS IN HISTORY:
In the year after the Olympics, the iconic 91,000-seat Bird’s Nest hosted a Jackie Chan concert, an Italian soccer match, an opera and a presentation of Chinese singing standards. But the local soccer team declined a deal to make it their home field, and the only tenants now are tourists who pay $7 to visit the souvenir shop.
By most accounts, the vendors hawking trinkets outside the stadium outnumber the foreigners who go there to gawk.
Outsiders may find this wasteful. After all, Atlanta’s Olympic stadium became a baseball park, and Calgary’s Saddledome a civic fixture.
Then again, the Olympics seem to bring out profligacy in even buttoned-down governments. Consider Athens, where 21 of the 22 stadiums erected for the 2004 Olympics were reported last year to be unoccupied. The $14.4 billion cost of that party is being cited by some as a source of Greece’s potentially destabilizing fiscal troubles. [Emphasis added]
GEE THANKS, LORDS OF LAUSANNE -- AND VERY VERY LITTLER JEFFY!
If you build it, the feeling is, they will come. Eventually, in a nation this large, someone will fill the convention center and the water park. And if not, well, build it anyway. Building creates jobs, and feeds prestige, and pumps up the GDP. Here in the nation that is too big to fail, as long as the bad loans don’t overwhelm the good, the waste is tolerable.
“That, to me, is the essence of the Chinese strategy,” Eswar Prasad, a Cornell University professor and a former head of the International Monetary Fund’s China division, said in a recent telephone interview. “Just keep the machine going fast enough.”
So what if the machine's a broken-down rattletrap with counterfeit replacement parts?
In the year after the Olympics, the iconic 91,000-seat Bird’s Nest hosted a Jackie Chan concert, an Italian soccer match, an opera and a presentation of Chinese singing standards. But the local soccer team declined a deal to make it their home field, and the only tenants now are tourists who pay $7 to visit the souvenir shop.
By most accounts, the vendors hawking trinkets outside the stadium outnumber the foreigners who go there to gawk.
Outsiders may find this wasteful. After all, Atlanta’s Olympic stadium became a baseball park, and Calgary’s Saddledome a civic fixture.
Then again, the Olympics seem to bring out profligacy in even buttoned-down governments. Consider Athens, where 21 of the 22 stadiums erected for the 2004 Olympics were reported last year to be unoccupied. The $14.4 billion cost of that party is being cited by some as a source of Greece’s potentially destabilizing fiscal troubles. [Emphasis added]
GEE THANKS, LORDS OF LAUSANNE -- AND VERY VERY LITTLER JEFFY!
If you build it, the feeling is, they will come. Eventually, in a nation this large, someone will fill the convention center and the water park. And if not, well, build it anyway. Building creates jobs, and feeds prestige, and pumps up the GDP. Here in the nation that is too big to fail, as long as the bad loans don’t overwhelm the good, the waste is tolerable.
“That, to me, is the essence of the Chinese strategy,” Eswar Prasad, a Cornell University professor and a former head of the International Monetary Fund’s China division, said in a recent telephone interview. “Just keep the machine going fast enough.”
So what if the machine's a broken-down rattletrap with counterfeit replacement parts?