Posted 10:53 PM by Gene

Americans Want Different Type of President Next Time, Poll Says

What does this mean? I read the story forwards, backwards, right-side-up, upside-down. What does this mean? The story doesn't give any idea what a different kind of president would be. We can guess what kind of president the HACKS would consider different, but the word Democrat is conspicuously missing. What does this mean?

Let us not downgrade the impact of thoroughly dense writing in turning people away from the news, and BloomyLite has more than its share.

Posted 10:05 PM by Gene

The woman who donated her face had killed herself.

TRANSLATION: For the next week we get to hear about ETHICS, ETHICS, ETHICS -- until we completely forget about it.

Posted 9:24 PM by Gene

Here's predicting the TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE of NEWSRAGS run cover movie ads tomorrow. It will be hard to know which is better; they're both masterworks and they'll both be PC. The only question is which rag will work harder to THWACK!!!!! its readers across the forehead. MR. MARK is second-to-none in this regard, but DICK "GUNS CAUSED COLUMBINE" CORLISS is no piker at sell...at publiciz...at WRITING. The excitement will be stoked to a fever pitch with more glorious news of our LOSS IN IRAQ, and more noble truthtelling of the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL of DUBYA. It will be a FIGHT TO THE FINISH, and we can only hope both RAGS will be MORTALLY WOUNDED with their READERS.

Posted 7:35 PM by Gene

The two combatants in the upcoming MICKEYMOUSE NIXON MEMORIAL COMPUTERIZED UNIVERSAL PROFESSIONAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP won by a combined score of 136 to 22. Sounds like the game'll be a real BARNBURNER.

I say Texas will win; it did a better job blowouting.

Posted 6:16 PM by Gene

A piece of junk like this underlines the total futility of charging people for news. People are acclimated to free news because so much of it is like the mutton THE MASTER once dined on: "[A]s bad as bad could be, ill fed, ill killed, ill kept, and ill dressed." We can see why Little Malcolm has to practically give his print rag away: you get what you pay for.

Posted 6:11 PM by Gene

Brad Pitt to adopt Angelina Jolie’s children

The NEXT new tiresome story of the month.

Of the week...of the day...of the hour....

Posted 6:03 PM by Gene

"Star Trek returns for a fourth season on NBC."

GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 2:03 PM by Gene

Who wants to own content?

YOU do, STERNO!

Posted 1:56 PM by Gene

MoveOn...

Er, um, uh...

Protests Cuts...

Um, uh, er...

in Tribune Co. Newsrooms

ERRRRRRR, UMMMMMMMM, UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

"I think it's terrific that people care enough about the paper to do whatever they can to make sure that it has the ability to keep doing great stuff," said Times Editor Dean Baquet.

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 11:16 AM by Gene

"Goodbye Georgie, the Elvis of soccer," read one banner held aloft in the crowd.

By which unwittingly apt words the crowd hoisted him off to the sounds of thousands and thousands of beers and ales being drained.

Posted 11:04 AM by Gene

Romy unearths more ENLIGHTENMENT from COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY:

Franklin Roosevelt put it this way in one of this country's darkest hours: "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."

In this dark hour for publishing, Roosevelt's dictum needs to become the new mantra of the newspaper business.

Richard J. Tofel was formerly the assistant publisher of the Wall Street Journal, and, earlier, an assistant managing editor of the Journal.

Columbia doesn't say WHICH Journal, so we'll hazard a guess what the news biz should try: if it's the LIBERAL Edition, it's more two-by-four-walloping and chest-beating and brain mushing over the evil of our war and capital punishment and how the abortion right should be absolute and how show-biz is the fount of all wisdom. If it's the CONSERVATIVE Edition, it's more two-by-four walloping and chest-beating and brain mushing over how greed is good and caveat emptor is better and how Dubya is our greatest president and Dick Cheney is the fount of all wisdom.

PLEASE guys, don't try ANYTHING. You've already tried ENOUGH.

Posted 10:26 AM by Gene

You mean Rahm Emanuel writes for THE PAPER OF RE-CORD as well as the WAPOST?

Posted 10:24 AM by Gene

GRADY! You're in the running for DAVID "LOGORRHEA" EDELSTEIN's job!

Has ever any "editor" intentionally sought out as many bad writers as Jake?

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

Yesterday we came across the HOLY GRAIL of COMEDY: "The Associated Press Statement of News Values and Principles", just issued Tuesday. Every word is mirth-provoking PR. We'll start (and end) with these: "[W]e abhor inaccuracies, carelessness, bias or distortions." Just this sentence we can dissect to nothingness. Inaccuracies and carelessness must be the norm for any outfit that disgorges OVER 20 MILLION WORDS A DAY, and though MOST of the inaccuracies are unintentional, not all are, they being the inevitable result of spin. And in processing OVER 20 MILLION WORDS A DAY how can any "news" organization possibly protect its readers from them? It can't. As for bias, well, we just saw the GREAT CONCERTED CAMPAIGNS of the 1,000 and the 2,000, campaigns impossible without thousands of hacks uniting in mindless conformity, threaded together by the connective tissue of their PRO-FES-SION, and the likes of Curley's apparatus. Distortions are the best of two worlds: they can result from spin and from bias, and therefore allow us to at least double our mischief. Any news organization that can claim it will control "inaccuracies, carelessness, bias or distortions" is engaged in hubris, or is lying. We will not say the latter; Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges, though united in their contempt for the public, at least mean well by it, and given they're very self-centered people we know they must at least TRY. So we'll just say hubris, which will come when you're among the anointed.

Perhaps Curley and his gang really do strive to be the best typists they can; but in modern America the line between striving and self-serving platitude is a fine one, and as noble institutions like Corporate America and the Insane Asylum on Capitol Hill prove, the line often does not exist.

Posted 9:46 AM by Gene

Another holy cockroach is exploded to perdition.

How do YOUR 72 virgins taste?

We did it, which I guess means a week of bad PR.

Posted 6:00 PM by Gene

REACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

An advertising company that gives most of its political donations to Republicans blocked the Democratic National Committee from putting up billboards criticizing GOP Rep. Jean Schmidt of Ohio.

Pinch chuckles from the serenity of His Heaven. He can do it BETTER.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

Speaking of Mr. Teachout:

Television can make you famous, but it can’t keep you famous. It’s more like an opiate—as soon as you stop taking your daily fix, you get all pale and clammy, and before long you vanish in a puff of near-transparent smoke. So far as I know, there’s never been a TV star, no matter how big, who stayed famous for very long once he or she went off the air. (Remember Daniel J. Travanti? I sure hope he had a good financial adviser.) If you’re in it for the long haul, you’ve got to make films or records. Otherwise, you’ll end your days as the answer to a trivia question, remembered only by a soft core of fast-graying fans who knew you when.

Terry has just consigned several generations to oblivion -- and justly so. (And he writes of Harry Reasoner, the once-celebrated commentator.)

Posted 5:31 PM by Gene

Rog gets EXCITED over the UNIVERSAL PREMIERE of THE NEW OPRAH SHOW:

Besides Oprah (no Steadman as far as we could tell), her pal Gayle King, Quincy Jones, Cathie Black and Ellen Levine — the big shots from Hearst Publishing, purveyors of O Magazine — we had no less than New York Sen. Chuck Schumer, Stevie Wonder, Anita Baker, Sidney Poitier, Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Isaac Hayes, Bebe Winans, Jamie Foxx, Donald and Melania Trump, Katey Sagal, Phylicia Allen and Debbie Allen, Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens, Spike Lee and wife Tonya, Anna Deveare Smith, Al Sharpton, Ashanti and her mom Tina, Lynn Whitfield, Nick Ashford & Valerie Simpson, Naomi Campbell, Suzanne dePasse, Grace Hightower DeNiro, Mike Nichols and so on. And so on and so on. And so on and so on and so on.

Any party with the DONALD and Sen. Red Light is one we'd rather avoid. (Not to mention Pee-Wee, Spike, Rev, a vocalist whose singing technique reminds one of Deep Throat [we won't say who], the greatest stage and film direc-TOR of all TIME and a former publisher of USAOKAY!!!!!) Ditto with LEGENDARY DAVIS, still patting Himself on the back after His company's ROOTKIT TRIUMPH. (Oh wait. He works for BERTELSMANN!!!!!)

P. S.

I can't say enough nasty things about the music, which consists of generic gospel, scrubbed-up blues and fake-fur jazz, all somewhat less memorable than the score to a made-for-TV movie. The lyrics are cloyingly faux-naïf, though I'll be kind and cite only this stanza from the finale: "It take a grain of love/To make a mighty tree/Even the smallest voice/Can make a harmony." Why does it not surprise me that one of the show's songwriters is best known for having penned the theme to "Friends"?

Sounds like something Rog and his party pals WOULD like, doesn't it.

Posted 5:24 PM by Gene

Fieger: I'm a victim, not a criminal

Donating to JOHN EDWARDS you could be BOTH.

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

There is no reason G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE can't quadruple in value, as I've predicted it would (if for no better reason than QUALCOMM did it) -- and there's no good reason it couldn't crash when it misses estimates by a penny.

Posted 4:58 PM by Gene

"NO RED STATES HERE!!!!!"

Nor ANYWHERE in the hermetically-sealed world of some liberals.

"I hold sacred my oath to decide every case fairly and impartially and according to law."

When RED STATES!!!!! are looking.

Posted 4:52 PM by Gene

News hacks have learned to be sanctimonious in one word. I think that's why that 1,000 business rankled me, and especially coming on the heels of the 2,000 business; these same infernal scribblers stand foursquare for unlimited abortions. We have reason enough, however, not to trust hacks with numbers -- especially in any topic that may contain the acronym ABC.

Posted 1:16 PM by Gene

Compromising national security? Slick did it with Uncle Bernie Schwartz, the Duke did it with his favorite home buyer. Isn't that what BRIBES are all about?

I see the writers at USA OKAY!!!!! are spelling it "anti-ques" too.

Posted 12:26 PM by Gene

BRIAN ROBBERBARON MADE $33.5 MILLION IN 2004!

I've got an idea, Concast subscribers: withhold his salary!

Posted 11:19 AM by Gene

We wonder if this business of THE CONSPIRACY chasing down CHRISSSSSTIANS wasn't based on a fluke. It was one thing when His Holiness Mel issued His SLASHER MOVIE -- it was NEW! and DIFFERENT! and ARAMAIC! People WANTED to be BLUDGEONED -- but only for a SECOND. Nearly every Jesus shtick since has fallen flat on its shekels; we suspect the CGI LEWIS story won't be an overflowing bank vault for ESPNCORP for the same reason. But show-biz is right to feel guilty; it flourished in no small measure as a refuge from religious persecution -- and it's been trashing religious sensibilities for decades. Perhaps the believing audience is just returning the favor.

By the way, we like that new name for an old pope: John Pail II. That bucket's got a hole in it.

Posted 11:12 AM by Gene

Happily John Luik, who is apparently the John Lott of videogames, falls into the same trap as the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL Sens. Rodham and Lieberman: he attempts to quantify something that can't be quantified. Indeed we are surprised that in typical glibertarian fashion he doesn't credit videogames for the reduction in crime. Those who object to videogames could more profitably do so on moral and aesthetic grounds, pointing to our cultural past. Instead they resort to number inventions, creating an enormous bright Day-Glo target for equal and opposite preeners and demagogues.

Posted 11:08 AM by Gene

Beavis and Butt-head are BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Posted 10:58 AM by Gene

Am I the only person who finds the electronic gassing of tens of millions of teens UNINTERESTING?

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

The greatest public-relations exec of the twentieth century, AL NEUHARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!, has just donated his PAPIERS to the LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, meaning eager researchers can now learn exactly how he turned SUPER BOWL ADS into a NATIONAL MANIA.

Posted 10:02 AM by Gene

The Jack Benny-Fred Allen feud had one advantage over the Derb-Andy S. feud: it was funny.

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

Internet shareholder proxies are a good idea. Why not internet voting too?

Posted 6:53 AM by Gene

SHUCKS, John UPdike did NOT win the Tom Wolfe Ironic Memorial Bad Sex in Literature Award.

Better luck next time!

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL: Noo Yawk's police commissioner is cracking down on FIRST-AMENDMENT DEFENDERS -- er, beggars at the hell hole called Pennsylvania Station, and the response is IMMEDIATE:

"I don't know what's going on this week," said Darryl Haynes, 40, who is homeless. "It's like President Bush is in town."

The FOURTH REICH is ON! SIEG HEIL!

Posted 6:36 AM by Gene

Eulogy to a DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOP! man:

Later that year, I went to my first Costello concert. Midway through the show, Costello sat down at an electric piano and began playing a series of cheesy cocktail-jazz chords. "I'd like to sing a Billy Joel song for you now," he said dryly, as laughter rippled through the audience. "It's called 'Just the Way You Are.' " When I returned home that night, all the Joel albums got stuck away in the back of a closet.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh-WAH!

Posted 6:14 PM by Gene

If COWS are going to give us GLOBAL WARMING, the LEAST science can do is make it SMELL BETTER.

Posted 5:54 PM by Gene

RENDELLPHIA gets further RENDELLIZED as an INNSTEETOOT uv HYER EHDYUKAYSHUN signs the producer of GETTYSBURG to be a new "media-arts" poobah or whatever, leading thousands of students to ever-more-creative types of underemployment.

Posted 5:46 PM by Gene

ROMY (sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) finds THE TRUTH AGAIN:

Christmas Sends Washington Times On a Search For That Slippery PC Crowd

We agree it was a complete waste of time. All they had to do was turn north up I-95 to COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY.

Posted 5:42 PM by Gene

When Dubya first ran for president some of us dreaded him fearing he'd be a marshmallow president, softened to nothing by social issues. Now, with Iraq up in the air, we may get a marshmallow president anyway, and when we can least afford it.

Yes, occasionally even the forces of DOW 36,000 can be right.

Posted 5:21 PM by Gene

Time Warner cable firm to serve most of L.A.

Well, it's that or the city falling into the ocean.

Posted 5:17 PM by Gene

And elsewhere in ADAGE:

“When the captain runs past you screaming ‘The ship’s not sinking, the ship’s not sinking,’ you know it’s time to find a lifeboat.”

And it's especially bad when the water's draining from the tub.

Posted 5:15 PM by Gene

We must count it as a kind of progress that the AUTO BUSINESS will burn no more money on TV in 2006 than this year, but that's only because THE CLUNKER BROTHERS don't have as much money to burn.

Posted 5:02 PM by Gene

We wonder if the news biz is destined to be stupider no matter how many staffers papers have. This is hardly a time for high literature, regardless of how many writers win awards these days. Still the truth tellers did not help their own cause by insisting they run the biz THEIR WAY -- to the total exclusion of the public for which they nominally worked. They sowed the wind and reaped a whirlwind.

Posted 11:36 AM by Gene

FREE REPUBLIC comes to POYNTER.ORG: ROMY finds five men "responsible for the IRAQ DEBACLE", and one of them is..."Kingsley Guy, Sun-Sentinel editorial page gatekeeper"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rom, don't you think you read too many ALTERNARAG.COMS?

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

The latest episode of Mme. Trailer Trash reminds us of THE MASTER's line, "Were it not for imagination a man would be as happy in arms of a chambermaid as of a duchess."

She does NOT remind us of a duchess.

Posted 11:04 AM by Gene

"They don't want to see the film treated in such a manner that it'd be inappropriately pigeonholed," said Stanley Mattson, president of the C.S. Lewis Foundation in Redlands, Calif.

"There are powerful themes that resonate with the whole Judeo-Christian tradition, but it's a book with universal appeal," Mr. Mattson said.

Cultural elites attach disgrace to anything judged "Christian," he said.

"It's synonymous to 'reactionary,' 'knee-jerk' and 'fundamentalist,'?" Mr. Mattson said. "The problem now is that when Christians do great work, they hide their Christianity out of a sense of embarrassment to avoid the inappropriate stereotype."

Hmmm, this wouldn't be this year's pseudo-religious version of AUDREY'S MONSTER, d'ya think?

Posted 11:00 AM by Gene

Disgraced Congressman Keeps Pension

Why can't we all join the club?

(Sorry for the NEWSMAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Posted 10:57 AM by Gene

RESPECTED MURTHA says the ARMY'S FIGHT SONG is "BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A DIME?"!!!!!

Let's see SPEAKER PELOSI gives 'em more money.

Posted 10:54 AM by Gene

Murdoch Pregnant

THE LORD GOD GIVES BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 10:50 AM by Gene

OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooh, the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL PENTAGON is paying MILLIONS to PLANT STORIES in IRAQ'S NEWSPAPERS -- DECEPTIVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what? PAT KINGSLEY writes AMERICA'S ENTERTAINMENT PAGES, and nobody accepts payment -- until LATER. The only difference is OUR GUYS WILL NEVER GET CAUGHT.

Posted 6:57 AM by Gene

U.N. Asks Record $4.7 Billion for 2006 Aid

Where can that money go?

Posted 6:55 AM by Gene

I believe that a precipitous withdrawal of American forces in Iraq could lead to disaster, spawning a civil war, fostering a haven for terrorists and damaging our nation's security and credibility.

A DEMOCRAT said that????? Heaven forfend!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 6:44 AM by Gene

If we ever get the guts to launch our site honoring Neuharthism-Award winners one feature we will inaugurate is a contest for Ad-Blurbist of the Year. We suspect half the finalists would be alumni of Stale.com. David "Logorrhea" Edelstein would be one solely on the strength of the WILD praise of his new boss Adam, and so would somebody named Siegel, who writes TV blurbs for TNR Online, who thinks he's tickling words into giggles of pleasure but instead tortures them into annoying howls of pain. Trib and USAOKAY!!!!! would fill out the balance. But given how so many periodicals and Web sites look at the space among the ads as merely something to fill every last one would have a finalist.

Posted 6:36 AM by Gene

On a page that inflicted us with an annoying audio ad an auditoner for Robert "Over the" Hilburn's throne insists lots of "contemporary" tunes are eligible as "standards", which as the careers of Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart attest means today's Johnny- and Janey-One-Notes can't sing the old ones.

Posted 6:33 AM by Gene

We need a hack to tell us Oprah "has no sense of humor whatsoever"?

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

The only question in this idiotic flap is whether a conglomeration of yarn, leather hide, stitches, Delaware River-bottom mud and dust is worth as much as, say a Gilbert Stuart portrait of Washington. 2005 says the answer is yes.

Posted 6:25 AM by Gene

Now we know why MICKEYMOUSE NIXON wrote that tribute to some inferior he worked with; he wants to terrorize people again.

And he needn't worry for subordinates; he'll find enough among the many show-biz writers at Trib who are getting buyouts.

Posted 10:02 PM by Gene

The "Third Disney leader" has died, prompting the company's founder MICKEYMOUSE NIXON to write a tribute -- and possibly the story.

Will we EVER be rid of Him? Or is He plotting His comeback?

Posted 9:24 PM by Gene

Stunning: GE BANCORP NETWORK is having trouble selling the ad space for its GAMES!

We would like to think corporate hubris has reached a point of no returns, but somebody looking to waste his company's money for six weeks of vanity and morale sapping will come to Little Jeffy's rescue, as somebody always does.

MEANTIME:



Those are mighty expensive doughnuts you've baked, Jeffy!

Posted 9:17 PM by Gene

There is a simple solution for The Osama Channel: Air more hostage videos, air more carefully choreographed bombings, air more special reports on the evil of Jews -- and while you're at it, stock up on lots of respectable big-name stooges for your English-language propaganda ministry.

But given that what the Daily Mirror knows and doesn't know about the document -- its reporters have never actually seen a copy....

The nice thing about the new news order is that it allows all sorts of news hacks with all sorts of axes to engage in all kinds of grinding.

Posted 6:12 PM by Gene

I've got to stop linking to other bloggers. Do that and you're not your own.

Posted 6:09 PM by Gene

1. Karl Rove IS president. It can't be that fellow on the dais. 2. I'd like to hear SAM LITTLE throw a self-serving TANTRUM over THIS.

Posted 5:44 PM by Gene

Oh SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER, I'd SHUT UP if I were you. Mr. Around-the-Bend "works" for Citizens Hearst. Maybe the paper's smaller but the voice is just as loud. And does it matter anymore that's he's not a Tribbie? I thought the WEB conquered everything else?

And Congresspoop, your verbal breaking of wind is the moral equivalent of Duke's grabbing of CASH.

Posted 5:40 PM by Gene

For those who want to cheer Martin from the perspectives of fighting for consumers or fighting against big media, remember: You are dancing with the devil who wants to censor your speech. Danger, danger, Will.

Oooooooooooooooh, I'm SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARED, STERNO!

Posted 5:33 PM by Gene

The video-game biz' version of JACK'S SECRET-RECIPE ALPHABET SOUP is full of BOTULISM TOO.

Who'da thunk?

Slashdot's dweebs should stick to GETTING A LIFE!!!!!

Assuming they haven't been drugged and blinded from all those videogames trying to FIND one.

Posted 5:25 PM by Gene

CONGRESSWOMAN BABS SAYS SURRENDER!

How do you say permanent minority leader?

Posted 5:23 PM by Gene

Which is worst: the man who gives a bribe, the man who takes it, or the man who excuses it?

Posted 5:08 PM by Gene

OH oh, Judge Scalito owns ExxonMobil stock -- that he inherited!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Let's see: a PC feminist movie that bombed at the box office; a movie that's causing a stink in ASIA; a PC take on gayness; a PC movie about the Munich, er shootings -- yes, I think maybe it would be better if all these Oscar® contenders had no publicity at all!

Posted 5:00 PM by Gene

So Seussical is a hit with bus-and-truck companies and amateurs. In the nineteenth century there were no doubt dozens of extremely popular plays performed in hundreds of venues that will -- that could never be performed again. We've noted before The Black Crook was one of the greatest musical hits of all time. The Black What? Posterity's wheels will slowly grind properties like this into dust -- more easily because there's nothing to them but dust.

Since the word "license" appears twenty times in this story we gather this is a rewrite of a press release, or done under very close supervision. A NEUHARTHISM OF THE WEEK award to Ken!

Posted 2:16 PM by Gene

A team of French surgeons has won the race to perform the world's face transplant, giving a partially new face to a woman who was attacked by a dog.

Good news for celebrities, criminals and terrorists.

Posted 1:56 PM by Gene

"Our constitutional system relies heavily on the judiciary to restrain itself," Alito said in a 64-page response to a Senate Judiciary Committee questionnaire.

"To do this, judges must engage in a continual process of self-questioning about the way in which they are performing the responsibilities of their offices," he continued.

Now if only others of our SUPERIORS would engage in continual self-questioning -- but they're our SUPERIORS so they don't need to.

Posted 1:51 PM by Gene

Well, they got rid of the red crescent at the 9/11 memorial in Pennsylvania, which means instead of being banal and offensive it'll just be banal.

Posted 12:46 PM by Gene

Yahoo's IMPROVED IT:

• Researchers convert chicken fat to fuel
• Julia Roberts tops highest-paid actresses list

Yep, I see why Yahoo's the future!

Posted 12:08 PM by Gene

One of those WEIRD juxtapositions that could ONLY happen on the WEB -- or on Yahoo!'s front page:

• Brushing, flossing may be key to cardio health
• Julia Roberts tops highest-paid actresses list

Posted 12:04 PM by Gene

And another thank-you to E & P:

Here's one way to write a wrong: People caught urinating in public in Fond du Lac, Wisc., are now being sentenced to compose letters of apology that are published in the local newspaper with their names attached.

We suspect most of them can't write.

Posted 11:52 AM by Gene

Excellent news: Robert "Over the" Hilburn, the guy who's been glazing eyes over for a hundred years with his pop-cult toadying, is taking a buyout from Trib!

Now if they know what they're doing at the LALATimes, they'll get somebody WORSE! (IF that's possible.)

Posted 11:06 AM by Gene

Shucks, Sen. O'Specter gives up on his T. O'O. probe.

Now he'll have to wait till January to go o'play with himself.

Posted 9:52 AM by Gene

ROCK 'N' ROLL -- PART TWO!!!!!

And three and four and five and....

The 11-year-old girl's family has demanded $5,000 in compensation from Glitter, according to police and Glitter's attorney, Le Thanh Kinh.

$5,000 when you could have the RIGHTS?

Posted 9:34 AM by Gene

"[It] did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze."

Yep, I think John UPdike will win the Tom Wolfe Ironic Memorial Bad Sex in Literature Award before he wins the NOBEL PRIZE.

Posted 9:26 AM by Gene

How predictable: the internationally-acclaimed architect of our internationally-acclaimed Rendelltorium is being sued because of internationally-acclaimed overruns.

It hasn't even brought in the maids, janitors and bellhops needed for the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY.

Posted 9:20 AM by Gene

Here is the point I've made -- we can pass a million ethics laws but it won't prevent Congresspoops from fleecing us because they have no inner moral mechanism, especially with all the tax money at their command. I'm sorry, I say public life is more corrupt now than in the Gilded Age.

Of course, there's a problem for some con-SER-va-tives:

Had Cunningham waded more circumspectly into the cesspool, he might have come up as clean as his colleagues with his yacht and commode.

TRANSLATION: He could have gotten away with it -- if he'd been SMARTER.

Posted 9:17 AM by Gene

I know, it's those EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL fundamentalists, but who can blame them for being upset with people for wanting to eradicate the word Christmas -- especially as these are the exact same public officials who'll lie down and die when Muslims complain of anything?

Posted 8:25 AM by Gene

And speaking of LORD KOPPEL, it's official: Nightlight's become just another news show!

And all the news hacks feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH! KLUMPH!

UB! Time to sign THE EDWARD R. MURROW OF COMEDY!!!!!

Posted 6:47 AM by Gene

You may think the Branson East audience is smart, Mike, but look at it this way: even the moviegoing S&M crowd didn't want to pay $10 to see the greatest thing in Branson East history. Meantime theatergoers trample over one another to get fleeced by fourth-rate shows with $350 seats. I think for once the moviegoing crowd is showing some brains.

Posted 6:43 AM by Gene

We know the hacks hope the GOP's corruption binge leads their party to win, but lest we forget: Republicans took power because of forty years of Democratic corruption. When the Democrats retake power they'll merely retake the corruption. No, party affiliation is irrelevant when there's so much big money to be made.

Posted 6:32 AM by Gene

Maybe this is why G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE went kerflooey yesterday -- it's hired a movie man to its board of directors!

Go for it! MAKE MOVIES! Shave some points from your stock price!

Posted 6:27 AM by Gene

An open-minded man: LORD KOPPEL negotiated to be on THE OSAMA CHANNEL!

Maybe he heard Dave Marash will be there.

“But remember: Qatar is sitting on the third-largest reserve of natural gas.”

It would seem that way.

Posted 8:09 PM by Gene

When will people realize the Wall Street Journals may be America's most dishonest papers, the Liberal Edition for its heavy-duty lobbying even as it denies its bias, the Con-SER-va-tive Edition for its flip-flopping and Tarzan yelling and greed mongering?

Posted 6:50 PM by Gene

New Letter Shows C.S. Lewis 'Absolutely Opposed' Film Version of 'Narnia'

Who cares? We're MARKETING!

Posted 6:46 PM by Gene

So Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges' French-owned pollsters are in bed with the French government.

Who'd have thought?

Posted 6:36 PM by Gene

NBC's lead in evening news wars increases

The makers of denture adhesives and incontinence aids salute you, Brian.

Posted 5:12 PM by Gene

CURLEY'S (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) STOOGES declare CLEMENCY on a DEATH-ROW INMATE because he would have been NO. 1,000!!!!!

MARK EDWARDS WARNER's RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!

Posted 4:31 PM by Gene

The TRIFECTA for ADAGE: HP's abandoning CARLY because HER celebrity marketing lowers sales.

Why are we not surprised?

Posted 4:20 PM by Gene

Another surprise, surprise: The Gap is abandoning CELEBRITY MARKETING because it LOWERS SALES.

Does it ever occur to anybody that even some stupid teens may not like show-biz?

“Relying on celebrity spokespersons should be the course of last resort, said Robert Passikoff, the president of Brand Keys, a New York market-research company.

They allegedly paid Sarah Jessica Horseyface $38 million over three years. Wouldn't it have gotten more publicity to hold a money-burning ceremony?

“They’ve lost their cool and don’t stand for anything anymore,” said Wendy Liebmann, president of WSL Strategic Retail. Mr. Passikoff added: “The Gap is now a category placeholder....”

That might describe everybody in retailing these days.

Posted 4:14 PM by Gene

IDIOT:

Jack Valenti, longtime head of the Motion Picture Association of America who announced his retirement in July, suggested the TV industry’s ratings system, which he helped develop, had gotten too complicated, making it difficult to understand.

But wasn't that the point of YOUR system, DR. EVIL -- to CONFUSE PEOPLE?

OR:

“My impression is the cable industry is compliant in promoting sexually explicit content and pornography in the home,” said Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Ark. “What you are doing may be legal, but it may not be best for the country and it may not be right.”

Posted 1:47 PM by Gene

Film critic Ebert's life is worthy of a screenplay, says writer

Hasn't someone already done Plan 9 from Outer Space?

Okay, we'll take YOUR WORD for it; Rog is a "GOOD GUY." But why can't he be a GOOD WRITER?

“How do you work for a company that makes movies and be on their payroll and be a critic and a journalist? How do you write about and criticize that company’s movies? And that of its competitors? How can you say for sure whether you would have said something the same way?”

With NEWS HACKS, ANYTHING'S possible.

Posted 1:41 PM by Gene

Google slips amid analyst skepticism

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Google shares "are likely to be increasingly sentiment driven; Google is starting to attract more negative publicity as it has become incredibly dominant online and has started to encroach on other companies' businesses," Fine wrote.



TRANSLATION: That 800-pound gorilla ain't warm and fuzzy anymore.

Posted 1:31 PM by Gene

"I would guess that if the opposition and division at home go on a lot longer and get a lot deeper it might have some effect, but, Senator, my Marines are motivated by their devotion to each other and the cause, not by political debates."

That is EXACTLY as it should be.

Posted 1:25 PM by Gene

A la carte has two sides to it: we don't pay for what we don't want, and what we pay for, we pay more for. It will only make sense as more TV migrates to the Web, a sobering thought.

I would bet Trib exaggerates this debate here as the company's in TV in a big way, thought. You cannot trust news hacks because of their constant synergy.

Posted 1:22 PM by Gene

What a timely article: here I am, feeling rotten, and taking today off, when lots of businesses and employees discourage it. Yes, share that cold or flu or bug with your fellow workers. It's the manly thing to do.

Posted 5:52 PM by Gene

That Stanford University will release four Sherlock Holmes stories on .pdf files only reminds us of the supremely efficient job Trent Lott and other corporate bribe takers did of putting a big fat alligator-infested moat around so much intellectual property.

Posted 5:47 PM by Gene

Sigh, another manufactured crisis:

Teens Turning to Cigars

How about HEROIN?

Posted 5:38 PM by Gene

It is not enough for the hacks to render a topic like the Thanksgiving shopping rush extremely annoying, no, they must present five different conflicting sets of statistics and sixteen conflicting sound bytes -- or else make it POLITICAL.

And how many thousands of times must we read stories about the real-world cost of the gifts in "The Twelve Days of Christmas"?

I HATE NEWS HACKS!

Posted 5:26 PM by Gene

We will concede shopping malls may not be so anti-social in nations like China and India that are already very crowded. Does that make them better here?

Posted 5:09 PM by Gene

Which is worse: an exaggerating fundraiser or a glibertarian scribbler looking for a show-biz power job?

I don't have a clue. I know one thing: at times like these Little Malcolm's empire assumes a smell that crosses an industrial accident and a corrupt politican.

Posted 3:52 PM by Gene

More BRILLIANT THINKING at THE CORNER:

FREEDOM AND THE BLOGOSPHERE [Kathryn Jean Lopez]
"Weblogs are one weapon that even the Islamic Republic cannot beat."
Posted at 12:51 PM

Duhhhh, you don't suppose some Islamists might not be blogging, do you?

Posted 3:20 PM by Gene

A new news-biz excuse: THE "TOTAL AUDIENCE METRIC"!

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!

Posted 1:52 PM by Gene

The DUKE pleads GUILTY.

How many more CONVICTIONS and GUILTY PLEAS where THAT came from?

And this guy runs (ran) "the House Intelligence subcommittee on terrorism and human intelligence." Smart thinking, DUKE!

P. S. Are Curley's (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!) Stooges trying to update the dictionary with a new spelling -- "anti-ques"?

P. P. S. Well, at least he's taking it like a man. But if he hadn't taken the bribes he wouldn't have had to take it like a man.

Posted 11:32 AM by Gene

A friend of Romy's gets BREAKING-NEWS MAD:

Anyway, most people now say they get their "news" from the Internet and TV.

That's why everyone is so smart and so well-informed about the world around them.

If there were no stodgy newspapers to set the agenda with boring stuff like government, world news, politics and finance, TV news would be free to give viewers what they want - more weather, cute animal videos, traffic accidents, house fires and "special reports" on the dangers (or promise) of cosmetic surgery.

The dilemma: While people get their news from the Internet, the Internet gets its news from newspapers.

Without newspapers, who provides the content?

Bloggers!

Blogs are an excellent source of "news," much of it overheard and passed along by the blogger's girl friend. If she's sick, the blogger can make something up. No editors or accountability gum up the works.

When you tire of the "news" (in a minute or two), you are just a mouse click away from porn.

Newspapers can't touch that.

1. If your employer and its friends had charged for news most likely you'd have been overwhelmed by free Web news anyway. We may add, Stu, that the Internet is not entirely responsible for weasel words, slants, plagiarisms, and other such heroics that have led newspapers to resort to creative counting and Lucky Bucks.

2. Why are you in such a wad about TV news? Newspaper chains own TV stations. KnightRidder owned TV stations. The Daly Nooz was once run by THE AMBASSADOR, the founder of TV Guide and Dick Clark, and the godfather of IF IT BLEEDS, IT LEADS. Seems to me your biz has had a lot of RESPONSIBILITY for it.

3. Happily the news biz has its own accountability through -- what? Shareholder revolts?

Posted 11:14 AM by Gene

General Motors is not inherently an evil company by any stretch. It's just a big, poorly managed mess of a corporation that has been held captive by its own management, who have passed it from one generation of bungling yes-men to the next for so long, that no amount of internally generated reform or restructuring can fix anything.

Is it just that outfit?

Posted 11:12 AM by Gene

MORE GENIUS IN BRANSON EAST: HAROLD ARLEN'S WRITING A MUSICAL!

He died in 1986.

Posted 10:19 AM by Gene

HUGO turns DOCTORS into BABY SITTERS!

When do the hacks fawn over this Fidel?

Posted 10:08 AM by Gene

Whoopee, the DR. EVILS of gaming have now made access by kids to unsuitable games very very very easy instead of very very very very easy.

Posted 8:56 AM by Gene

Surprise: Federal aid to cities doesn't work.

I know, Eddie -- let's give aid to RESTAURANTS -- and build more SLOT PARLORS!

Posted 8:13 AM by Gene

Hmmm:

News websites have come to resemble evening newspapers

And what happened to evening newspapers?

Posted 6:50 AM by Gene

FBI agent Richard B. Marx spent a year atop 1.8 million tons of debris from the World Trade Center towers, searching for September 11 evidence at the Fresh Kills Landfill in Staten Island, N.Y.

For his devotion to the grungy job, he earned the gratitude of victims' families, the respect of his peers, a nomination as the federal employee of the year -- and a 10-day suspension and letter of reprimand from his superiors. The reprimand bars him from a major part of his job -- collecting evidence for use in court.

With the FUMBLERS, BUMBLERS and INCOMPETENTS, no good deed goes unpunished.

Posted 6:46 AM by Gene

Here in RENDELLPHIA:

About 82 percent of this year's murder victims were black, according to police statistics, and the majority were young men under 30.

Hey but you know they don't live in CENTER CITY with all the hip people and all the hot places like all the hundreds of new restaurants a city needs to grow itself into the 21ST-CENTURY ECONOMY!

Posted 6:29 AM by Gene

Mr. Mark must be having second thoughts today -- as in...

WHY THE @#$%&* DIDN'T WE PUT THE @#$%&* PLUG FOR THAT @#$%&* MOVIE ON THE @#$%&* COVER????? WHO THE @#$%&* TALKED ME INTO @#$%&* PUTTING THAT @#$%&* ANOREXIA STORY THERE WHEN WE @#$%&* COULD HAVE SOLD SOME @#$%&* COPIES??????????

OR:

[I]t's a sure bet that by the time these films open, you'll already be sick of them.

Posted 6:28 AM by Gene

W deaf to bad news on Iraq, says mag

New Yorker reporter Seymour Hersh....

Six of one....

Posted 8:12 PM by Gene

Mark Warner, who's fast becoming the John Edwards of 2008 (we soon may also have to punctuate with exclamation points) has a vineyard, so Useless News calls him Thomas Jefferson.

Hey, it also calls him a moderate, so there.

Posted 7:53 PM by Gene

The bad news: Toyota's about to surpass the Senior Clunker Brother worldwide.

The good news: its recalls are going up.

The weird news: its market cap's only 1.5 times G000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000GLE's.

Posted 5:06 PM by Gene

Free Republic POST OF THE DAY:

In college we used to tease Bruuuuuuuuuuuce fans by playing his LPs at 45 rpm. They'd always come up and say "hey, isn't that the Boss? Why are you playing him at the wrong speed?" We'd respond, "two reasons: first, you can understand the lyrics better, second, the songs get over quicker".

We learned that some people just don't have a sense of humor. Which made it all the more amusing.

Posted 3:38 PM by Gene

Here's another story that should bring out the exclamation points (and it's from CURLEY'S [Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!] STOOGES, who can be VERY good at exclamation points):

Early winter brings chaos to Europe (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Does it take much these days to bring chaos to Europe?

Posted 3:21 PM by Gene

And we'll agree with SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGING HUGH on one thing: 3,568 WORDS on SHIRLEY MacLAINE is TOO MUCH.

Posted 3:10 PM by Gene

I figured out why these HOLIDAY SPENDING!!!!!!!!!! stories are so exasperating: the hacks are trying to turn retailing into the MOVIE BIZ!!!!!!!!!!, complete with EXCLAMATION-POINT INSIDER QUOTES!!!!!!!!!!, and the only thing missing is PAUL DRECK!!!!!!!!!!

OR:

HEAVY PURCHASES OF DIGITAL CAMERAS, TOYS, CLOTHES AND MORE IGNITED THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON OVER THE WEEKEND AND BOLSTERED PROJECTIONS FOR IT TO BE THE BEST IN FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, that was TWO YEARS AGO.

Posted 3:00 PM by Gene

Speaking of "entertainment", what are BRUCE WILLIS'S PRO-IRAQ WAR FILM!!!!! and the flood of 9/11 releases sure to have in common? They'll all be too political (or PC) to be good.

Posted 1:30 PM by Gene

This story says two things: 1. When in doubt, quote the mental quacks. 2. Do we really expect kids to talk to their parents?

Posted 11:18 AM by Gene

Ramsey "Jark" Clark arrives in Iraq, leading us to wonder how many degrees of separation there are between Saddam and Democrats.

Posted 10:47 AM by Gene

Mark Steyn doesn't quite get it right. The BADNESS of today's entertainment is more than just poorly run popcorn restaurants or Whoopi fulminating, and I suspect Mark knows it. I do not want to repeat myself re all the factors that have led us to this golden age: some commercial, some governmental, some active interferences of the Devil like his invention of DR. EVIL; nor do I wish to repeat myself that the industry has the financial and psychological wherewithal that it doesn't have to make anything decent. This is why discussions cultural are always dead ends; how can we change something that can't be changed, even though we KNOW it needs changing?

P. S. All the 1939 GENIUS could not get the BEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOO to rise.

Posted 10:41 AM by Gene

The leader of Iraq's most powerful political party has called on the United States to let Iraqi fighters take a more aggressive role against insurgents, saying his country will only be able to defeat the insurgency when the United States lets Iraqis get tough.

You kidding? Us wimps?

Posted 10:30 AM by Gene

And thankfully Mr. Mark hasn't abandoned his notion that a news hack's purpose is to TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO -- to INFORM AMERICANS TRUTHFULLY. According to him Iraq-War vets are BUSTING DOWN THE DOORS TO RUN FOR HOUSE SEATS AS DEMOCRATS!!!!! Leaving aside this was written by Senior Editor Rahm Emanuel, to follow every nook and cranny of this story probably requires five days, and ultimately it's just one guy's spin against another's.

Posted 10:19 AM by Gene

Meantime the TWXSTERS run a piece on how we can get out of Iraq, with this choice tidbit at the end:

Strategically, however, any U.S. withdrawal would have to be conducted "from a position of strength," says Bruce Hoffman, a terrorism expert at Rand. Al-Qaeda has always believed Americans lack patience and stamina when "the going gets rough," Hoffman says. "If the U.S. is seen as being stampeded out of the violence in Iraq, that will only be waving a red flag at the terrorists."

Who is to say, for all the setbacks the holy cockroaches have endured, that their approach isn't still a shrewd one? That a nation whose hacks scream at the mere sight of blood from any new battlefield casualty, a nation that produces St. Cindy and other such JOOOOOOO haters, a nation that cannot stop producing [C]RAPPERS and GET-A-LIFE!RS and PC academics and Enronning PC businessmen, a nation full of whiners and moaners, a nation that searches out the first hole in the ground at the slightest threat of disaster real or imagined, who is to say the holy cockroaches don't have the right idea?

Posted 10:16 AM by Gene

We don't know what Mr. Mark is up to. With the biggest movie of the year and our leading press agent plugging it, you'd think we'd put it on the cover, in a WAPOST-GE BANCORP JOINT VENTURE "EXCLUSIVE" yet! But no! Something about -- ANOREXIA! (Well, at least we can't spin THAT one.) We would like to think MAYBE Mr. Mark is getting wise, that he realizes an increasing number of his readers resent having him thwack them on the head with the Hollywood two-by-four, but this is exceedingly unlikely with the man who greenlighted the TOILET BOWL CAPER, and besides, you're not SUPERIOR to your readers for NOTHING.