Eugene David ...The One-Minute Pundit |
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Saturday, December 15, 2007
And why do millions consent to give a weekly tithe to PEOPLE WARNER? When does THE CONSPIRACY finally suffer the hugely-deserved losses of the recorded-SOUND trade?
The truly exasperating thing about the steroids debacle is to hear hundreds, nay thousands of sports hacks moaning, "We should have said something." LIKE HELL. It is exasperating also to have to explain something beyond expression, but sports are a wholly owned subsidiary of BIGMEDIA, as are the ratings and circulations they inspire. To accuse the sports teams that make YOU AND YOUR BOSSES the big money of cheating is the veritable equivalent of whistle-blowing, with all the penalties and scorn attached thereto. It is likely even had these jerks spoken up few would have believed them as they would be merely seen to be dangling bait at the awards dispensers; that they scorn themselves now is proof they were on top of the story after the fact, when they were good enough boys not even to entertain notions of trickery. It is blights like these that cause us to cast a murderous scowl at the news biz, and to insist it can't bankrupt itself fast enough.
The TWXSTERS get excited because one of NR's leading scribblers believes Gov. Hucklechuckle would be the Howard Dean of Republicans, forgetting a lot of his colleagues built his boomlet thinking him the "real deal."
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! TRANSLATION: BUGMEISTER and ST. WARREN THREW money at Africa, thinking if they THREW money at Africa they could live forever. Didn't these immortals realize the possibilities for bungling and mischief in all the money they THREW at Africa? If these are the greatest geniuses in the history of mankind why did they have to THROW their brilliant money at Africa? And what undeserving overexposed imbecile will be the NEXT recipient of the TWXSTERS' obsolete idiot publicity stunt? Friday, December 14, 2007
Some viewers also might wonder at peculiar phenomena in this post-apocalyptic world: All utilities work perfectly, which might come as a shock to New Yorkers who experience problems with water, gas or electricity when a full work force mans those departments. While Robert's race through empty streets is visually thrilling, what's his hurry? And how did he single-handedly build a state-of-the-art lab in his basement?
Sounds like the pre-Millionaires' Strike CONSPIRACY down in its state-of-the-art lab in the basement making another TENTPOLE. And further from the world of supermen: But the purpose of the shadow U.S. delegation here — spiritually led by Gore and including the likes of Sen. John Kerry, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and dozens of officials from California (Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger had planned to attend, but budget negotiations kept him at home).... Shucks, I guess having to govern will do that to you. And once again we may ask if the world really needs newsrags, even if they're neatly wrapped up on the Web like a Christmas present. (Via MediaBistro)
Honorary President Bloomy vows to SAVE THE WORLD from GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!
Bloomberg, 65, a billionaire who has stirred speculation of an independent presidential run, dismissed a reporter's question on whether he would be Gore's running mate if the former vice president again sought the White House. "I'm not a candidate and I'm too old to work for someone else," he deadpanned. And too rich. But the thought of America's first coup is certainly tempting.
GREAT! The Fantasy and Profanity League is suing THE CONSPIRACY & CO. for not bargaining in good faith!
STRIKE! STRIKE LONG! STRIKE LONG AND HARD! STRIKE UNTIL YOU'VE WORN OUT THE SPROCKET HOLES! P. S. How many very, very, VERY nice things did BOB THOMAS have to say to get a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Thursday, December 13, 2007
When Prof. Gelernter hangs his head over "instant sex", and his publisher boasts of His -- prowess in His properties, I think we know who WINS.
Peter, I must confess that when we were considering the merits of Fred Thompson, Abe Lincoln didn't come up.
And I must confess when we are considering any of the bright lights running for the White House Abe Lincoln won't come up -- but expect some to try, as they have with Obama's Boy, or Mike Huckleberry.
To us, that one of HILLARY's factotums has quit because he said something stupid is of little import, but today, because tens of thousands of overpaid hacks engage in every speculation on every meaningless behavior of every candidate, we can expect this to torture us for weeks.
If sports scandals have no effect on attendance, it is because the increasingly upper-class masses who attend the games wear them as they would Tiffany diamonds. And who is to say they have no effect? TV ratings for every big sport save football have gone substantially down in the last decade. Perhaps the scandals have had nothing to do with it; but who can say that they don't count with everything else that's gone bad in sport? The moral slobs who prop their feet up on the well-appointed furnishings in their luxury boxes may not care -- after all, a few of their numbers finance the games and their snobbery with OUR money -- but those lower down the scale, who can only afford sports through television, may think otherwise.
In about fifteen minutes the SENATOR will issue his REPORT. We will see the head-shakings and hear the gasps from coast to coast, as we already have, but believe me -- not ONE PLAYER in the list will be a surprise. Why? With ZELIG leading the sport, and sports being all about WINNING, and the expectation of morals among sportsmen being as low as it is, and most athuhletes having less of an IQ than one-half your typical doctoral candidate in the sciences, why wouldn't one of the knotty-pine-stick gang go for the gold?
And in reading today that THE GOLFING MACHINE is moving VASTLY AHEAD of his peers, we may ask, is anyone immune?
It's back to green again. I can blog with impunity.
I don't know what's happened; when I click on my own blog I get a warning from McAfee SiteAdvisor. I'm hoping it's just a glitch; when I click onto SiteAdvisor from oogle it lists me as good. I will post no more until I resolve it -- and given how many hits I've been getting maybe it's just as well.
The NEW CW: The Os-CARS® are good, really GOOD, REALLY REALLY GOOD for the industry because they spawn all sorts of IMPORTANT WUHK, SERIOUS WUHK, CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED -- WUHK.
How could we have dreamed we'd actually think well of DICK "SELF-ABUSE" CORLISS for once?!? (Via the usual AHTSJournal) Wednesday, December 12, 2007
EXCELLENT:
In a radical departure from the traditional movie business model, Paramount Digital Entertainment and MTV New Media are co-producing "Jackass 2.5," a sequel to its two-time boxoffice hit that will skip multiplexes entirely. Yes, EXCELLENT idea, SUMNER -- now maybe you ought to distribute more and more of your...MOVIES on the Web; in fact, why not bypass the popcorn restaurants and distribute ALL of them that way? Then they wouldn't have the audience they don't deserve.
Another gift of the Dilbertgods:
Might the isolating, sedentary, indoor computer culture explain, for example, why the disorder appears to be surging in young adults? Today's 20-somethings have a 1-in-4 lifetime risk of experiencing depression's hallmark black mood, joylessness, fatigue, and suicidal thoughts compared with the 1-in-10 risk of their grandparents' generation. Americans are 10 times as likely to have depression today as they were 60 years ago, a development that is not merely a result of increased awareness and diagnosis. This is at the heart of what we've become: of our decrepit politics, our stupid culture, the unlifting ennui that engulfs so many of us. Isn't this age wonderful?
BUGMEISTER DOES IT AGAIN -- with a new service pack for Office 2007...and not a moment too soon:
In an English version of Word 2007, you enable Hebrew as an editing language. When you open the Font dialog box, the font that appears in the Preview box is the Arabic font instead of the Hebrew font. MARTY PERETZ!!!!! (Via InformationWeek)
"Global credit crunch"? It's not just a few suckers paying too much?
How long can our government continue doing favors for the Wall Street Casino?
And from the site of the rag that just endorsed Mitt:
Much has been made of Chuck Norris endorsing Mike Huckabee, though I’m not sure why. Norris has spent his entire career convincing the public he can’t determine whether or not a screenplay is any good, let alone a policy document. OOOH, that's an insult!
OOOH, Code Pink is ANGRY -- and it may campaign against DEMOCRATS!
"We are disgusted with all of them," Ms. Benjamin said of the Democrat-led Congress. "We were in Congress today saying, 'Close Gitmo,' and I changed my sign to say, 'Close Congress.' " But it may also back Oprah's Boy, so it can't be that angry. Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Poor GE Bancorp. Nobody likes it. Little Jeffy's only doubled its earnings and it's still selling for the same lousy $35 or so it's been selling at for years. We will not guess how much of those doubled earnings came from the sort of tricks so beloved of LEGENDARY WELCH, but for a company that big to break free of its rut its sales would have to break the bounds of financial gravity, DOW 36,000 style. Besides an elephant can eat only so much grass and get only so much bigger. And GE Bancorp, like other companies its size, is a big, rich FAT elephant.
Dubya hires DOW 36,000 to a Foggy Bottom post -- in PR -- which we would have shrugged off (especially given who "reported" it) except TNRO points with glee to his great literary achievement DOW 36,000!!!!!
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!!
Facing a 400-lb gorilla
Anderson Cooper explores the plight of Congo gorillas and gets a little too close. [Home-page blurb] Please! Any distance from Anderson is a little too close.
Many French lawmakers boycott Libyan leader Gadhafi’s visit
TRANSLATION: Many French lawmakers have more guts than DUBYA.
Richard "Self-Abuse" Corliss asks a startling question:
Do Film Critics Know Anything? YOU have to ask THAT question? (Via ArtsJournal)
What is in Houston? Construction regulations? Forcing CHEAP CHANNEL to take down billboards? We'll have to call it the PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF HOUSTON!
What would Sam say?
A mysterious Venezuelan air force flight came under attack from vigilantes when it touched down last week at an airfield in northern Bolivia amid fears that the transport plane was delivering weapons.
Suspicions were only deepened when officials confirmed that a Venezuelan banking official on board the flight had been carrying a briefcase stuffed with $160,000 in cash. The airfield, at Riberalta, is located near a Bolivian uranium-mining area, adding to long-standing suspicions that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is trying to purchase uranium from his Latin American neighbor for transshipment to Iran. Ho-hum, we can ignore this story -- because it appears in a MOONIE RAG.
"Wow!" Dick Cohen likens the O twins to "Leonardo and Michelangelo!!!!!" (Happy overemphasis added)
We knew hacks think we're living in a golden age but this is ridiculous. Monday, December 10, 2007
How many people will stop reading a blogger when he says something really stupid? When the Paper of Re-CORD gets caught with a Jayson, or TNR with its fool Pvt., they can slough them off institutionally as bad apples; they have eons' of rep. But when a B. S. DEFENDER defends B. S. or a SAM LITTLE spots a SAM attack or a HUGH!!!!! calls himself a little guy, he can't excuse his stupidity on lax oversight; no, a blogger is his rep, and he has only himself to blame. But blame themselves they almost never will; somehow being a SUPERDUPERMEGAGIGABLOGGER instantly affords him enormous insight and a defense from critics. And bloggers -- the megalomaniacs among them especially -- should be held, we think, to a higher standard than news hacks not only because of their Tarzanian chest pounding but because one suspects they make even more mistakes than the hacks, who at least have editors.
There's another way of viewing the opening ratings for The Resurrection of Drunken Slob: as the morning wore on the listeners wore off.
This from R&R -- which doesn't assign stories URLs!
It's a sign of the home-loan crisis' uneven impact: light in some areas, heavy in others – often those populated by minorities or the lower-middle class.
Somewhere, con-SER-va-tives are smiling.
In more BRILLIANT marketing news, SUMNER's opening a "CBS" restaurant!
Be careful who writes those menus -- especially if the news crew goes on strike...or DAN BLATHER WINS. By the way, SUM, will all the waitresses dress like HOT LESBIANS? Any MEAT PIES on the menu? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!! (Via IWantMedia)
Apple Forecasts: Not Just Hype
No, we've gone WAY beyond those fairy tales. The question is is Wall Street's running on fumes or sniffing them?
OH-oh, somebody's accusing SUMNER and the TWXSTERS of BAIT-AND-SWITCH for selling THE GREATEST MOVIE MUSICAL OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!! (Terry Teachout) as -- gadzooks -- a SLASHER MOVIE!
And when the unaccompanied under-17s find out it's a slasher movie written by HERR DOKTOR SONDHEIM.... P. S. It's going down on HSX -- as is JOE WIL -- CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR! (Via ShowBizData)
And in other news of HUGE financial institutions:
Middle- and higher-income families, including those making $180,000, will get significantly more financial aid from Harvard University next school year under a new initiative unveiled today. 1. Did this mutual fund just hike its dividend? 2. If Republicans did this they'd call it sucking up to the -- middle-class.
Here’s a surprising fact: Almost a third of the students at Muhlenberg College, a Lutheran institution in Allentown, Pa., are Jewish.
I'm not surprised -- we're talking two non-religions.
Given that Mr. Dogfighter and Mr. Press Baron were, shall we say, first offenders their sentences are nonetheless stiff enough to assure that celebrity is no longer a mitigating factor in crime.
AP NEWS ALERT!!!!!
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) -- A law enforcement official says the deadly rampages at a megachurch and a missionary training school were believed to have been carried out by the same person - Matthew Murray, a 24-yeare [SIC] -old suburban Denver man who "hated Christians." Gosh, I'd have thought he'd have loved them myself.
Editing VF "is like running the Metropolitan Opera in a way"
Yes -- with every staffer a PRIMA DONNA or a FAT LADY.
WaMu slashes dividend, plans to raise $2.5 bln
Company ends subprime mortgage lending; to lay off more than 3,000 UBS to take further $10 billion subprime write-down Swiss group to post quarterly loss; gets $11.5 billion capital injection Bank of America Corp. said Monday that it's shutting a $12 billion a money-market fund of sorts and halting cash withdrawals after losses from complex investments tied to the mortgage crisis. DOW 25,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Abby at Slashdot:
An anonymous reader writes "I am downright embarrassed by the quality of my code. It is buggy, slow, fragile, and a nightmare to maintain. Do you feel the same way? If so, then what is holding you back from realizing your full potential? More importantly, what if anything are you planning to do about it? I enjoy programming and have from a young age (cut my teeth on BASIC on an Apple IIe). I have worked for companies large and small in a variety of languages and platforms. Sadly the one constant in my career is that I am assigned to projects that drift, seemingly aimlessly, from inception to a point where the client runs out of funding. Have any developers here successfully lobbied their company to stop or cut back on 'cowboy coding' and adopt best practices? Has anyone convinced their superiors that the customer isn't always right and saying no once in awhile is the best course of action?"Oh, the dreary life of Dilberts, typing away at their buggy code.
Two more proofs the Web is an increasing waste of time and a glorified excuse for crass publicity. (First link via the inevitable Romy)
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I came across The Hotline's Blogometer (more on how when the time comes) and I am discouraged. If you aren't a BIG-NAME BLOGGER you're done for. It's as if whoever compiles this has a direct link to Jeff Greenfield. I know what MR. MELLERDRAMMER and SAM LITTLE and MS. TRAVERS and KOS will say from a thousand miles and a bad modem off. I really think the time has come for new voices -- which discourages me because I'll have been at this for FIVE YEARS next month to no effect. And I have yet to bother sending my stuff to ARIANNA!!!!! for fear I'll be ignored or get a form e-mail. I'm tired of being the punchline for my own joke of a blog. I just wish somebody out there would say a kind word for me -- although it's tough when your words echo in a vacuum.
I've gotten four hits today too, which isn't exactly a pat on my back.
I think the time has come for THE CONSPIRACY to stop trying to turn Nicole Kidman into a star.
The slump continues!
Let us multiply Oakland by a hundred, and ask ourselves, why must we abandon whole generations to die in the streets?
Because, for one thing, our cities are quarantines. And for another, because news hacks who who put the fear of God into you documenting the horrendous "gangsta" life can also belch from their behinds about the GENIUS of [C]RAP.
Speaking of our Nincompoop-in-Chief, we have a BRILLIANT opening line for his first half-a-million oration:
Hello, I'm George W. Bush and I'm running for ex-president. That'll keel 'em over! And if that isn't enough how about this one: Laura suggested I deliver the same speech over and over -- that way my dyslexia doesn't act up. Which is precisely what he'll do -- becoming in riches what JIMMAH is in GREATNESS.
Lately there's been a big showy debate in the typing world whether it needs reviewers. Judging from this musical "essay" we say no -- and Tim Page is a decent writer, which makes it hurt a little. He says Mr. 9/11 Was a Work of Art scribbled -- "composed" "masterpieces." Okay, Timmy, hum one. Now of course you'd say this is unfair because Mr. 9/11 Was a Work of Art wrote works of extraordinarily dizzying complexity and blahblahblah. But a work without what the pop-"music" types call a hook is unlikely to survive. It needn't be as obvious as Beethoven's Fifth and those first four notes -- it just has to work as an organic whole. We think of Haydn's set of twenty-four minuets, which languished in complete obscurity before Antal Dorati played them -- and the first alone is the equal of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, to say the least. Mr. 9/11, however, wrote noise, evanescent noise, self-indulgent noise, in-with-the-in-crowd noise; and that the eulogy contains phrases like "Munchkin babble" mutely admits to it -- and issues a further reason why we do NOT need reviewers, who too often write the truth unintentionally.
Con-SER-va-tives can gas about FREE EN-TER-PRISE and the GENIUS of the MARKETPLACE, but this story reminds us of why we do not entirely trust Amazon.com. Put items in your Cart and leave them there and their prices go up and down, up and down for no good reason. Sometimes they go sharply up; occasionally (less so in our experience) they go sharply down. Obviously retailers need leeway in pricing but the way they do it puts us in mind of the Incredible Shrinking Hershey Bar yore, and it's one reason ordinary people must grab hold of their wallets ever more tightly.
John Miller is plainly an intelligent man. He also puts the "snipes" on GE BANCORP NETWORK's air. And he's also a reason why TV will not fully recover from the Millionaires' Strike. The boob screen's in a fix: it does more and more to alienate its viewers, and to grab hold of the attention of what few are left while reserving its inalienable right to alienate viewers it must increasingly act as a circus clown -- or a flasher. This inevitably chases more viewers away, forcing the marketing types to do more SNIPING, forcing the...it's a vicious circle it can't escape, and one of its own making.
When GEN. TITANIC referred to TV as plumbing he was clearly being complimentary. Likening it to an outhouse, though, would be another kind of compliment. P. S. John Miller is also a politician: MediaWorks: For the last two years, CBS has perpetrated a range of promotional stunts, including ads on stickers for food you get at the deli, and on supermarket freezer doors, to gin up interest in its new fall season. What's your view on these gambits -- gimmick or viable promotional tool? Mr. Miller: Here's the on-the-record answer: We're all looking for innovative ways to market our products to the American consumer. We try to reach them wherever and whatever way they can be, and sometimes we're successful and sometimes we're not. And here's the off-the-record answer: they're BLITHERING IDIOTS, like many of your comrades at GE BANCORP NETWORK. We would guess Mr. Miller probably only watches TV when he's in the office -- for which we do not blame him.
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